The road ahead resembled the chaos in her mind and the confusions in her heart. When she looked ahead, all she could see was a Spaghetti Junction.

Unable to make sense of the muddle, she stood still. Trusting that Universe would eventually show her the way.

She waited.

Three paths soon emerged before her …

A road from the past
A road of the present
A road towards the future

Each road offering a different experience, depending upon the choice she made.

Having noticed the not so subtle reminders of harsh lessons from the past, she decided that it was time to leave the past behind her, where it belonged. She let go of the what ifs and if onlys. Releasing herself from the fantasy and confronted the reality of what was.

Open and wounded, she dared to offer him her broken and bruised heart. But she had pushed him into the arms of another woman. So he was now torn between the two paths that had emerged before him.

Regretful of her choices, she now suffered the consequences of her conflictions. Rejected and vulnerable, she could only accept her fate.

To walk the path towards her future, alone. Unsure if their paths are destined to ever merge again, she surrenders to the will of Universe. Trusting that all is as it should be and continues to feel her way through the dark night of her soul.

Why does it still take me by surprise whenever I resonate with what’s happening with the stars?

Isn’t this flowing with Universe ?

Feelings of unworthiness has been heavy in my heart and doubt has been walking by my side. Ofcourse, I’d rather be in better company but whether I like it or not, here they are.

So it’s better to acknowledge their presence and ask what they have to say. I often have these kinds of conversations with myself, but this morning my sister connected with me at the right time. And there were words shared between us, that offered me deeper insight.

She offered the voice of reason in the midst of my chaos. Because doubt has a way of triggering our greatest fears and deepest hurts. Its a place where the mind is stimulated into overdrive and our wounds release emotion.

So it’s far from rational 😜

Dark moons bring to the surface whatever wants to be released. Something that needs to change because it no longer serves our greater good. It can be related to a situation, a person, a habit, a pattern or a belief that limits us.

This month, I’ve been dragged deeper into the dark and shown some of my deeper wounds.

Truth is, I ended my relationship because I told myself that he deserved to be loved better than I was able to love him at this time. But did that mean I was unworthy of love ?

As doubt nagged in my ear this morning, I had thoughts of regret, unleashing my emotions. I felt a sense of panic and had a strong desire to act. But instead of acting out, I sat with myself.

As I observed the thoughts flowing through and allowed emotion to rise and fall, the energy shifted and I recognized what I was avoiding.

Myself !!!

What is my worth ?
How do I measure my value ?
Who is responsible for loving me ?

In my minds eye, I see my inner child laying in the fetal position. The part of me that reaches out for external validation, comfort, support, nurturing and love from others. A part of me that’s so very afraid to be alone in this world.

Is this the inner child missing her Mother ?

Is it the feeling centre of ALL my grief ?

Is this the source of Collective Mother wound ?

Is this where the healing begins ?

Note to self: I AM responsible for the energy I bring. All is as it should be, trust the process, keep your heart open and allow life to unfold.

Whenever my body, mind and heart are in conflict, like they are now. I feel CONFUSED.

So I listen to what my gut instincts are saying, but there’s so much noise going on inside me.

I can’t determine who’s saying what ? ? ? ?

My body wants to feel the warmth of touch
My mind wants to protect me from hurt
My heart wants to open me up to love

And my guts are feeling nauseous !!!

In my confused state, I can neither trust my thoughts or feelings. So, I retreat to my bed and sleep. Falling deeper into my inner world.

Lost inside of myself !!!

Please, I beg. Give me clearer answers so I can move in the right direction. But the questions persist and the answers are not yet known.

There is no escape from my confusion.

Its an unknown space of uncertainty, where I feel the most uncomfortable. My unconscious mind screams the loudest, as truths wriggle and squirm inside of me like a serpent.

The liberation of my consciousness !!!

A shift in perception and a change of heart that promises the clarity of mind and direction.

Trust the process and ……… breathe ❤

I’m learning that when relationships end, its often difficult to gain closure, heal and move on with an open heart thats willing to love again. Because we are often blind to the other persons truth, which offers an incomplete story.

Hence why I often contemplate over my own experiences of love and loss.

I was feeling a little more anxious about arriving in the UK because I was confronting the end of my relationship. Before leaving Australia I was forced to be brutally honest with myself. After a tough 7 months, it was time to do what’s right for me. Truth be told, my heart hasn’t been fully committed to the man who was loving me. So, I had been completely honest with him before returning to the UK.

He knew I still loved another man but my grief keeps pulling me back into solitude. To focus on the relationship I have with myself and this new world I now find myself in. My heart’s so very confused and conflicted. I feel unable to love him in the way he deserves. And if we’re both being totally honest with each other, he wants to settle with someone in the South and I want to put some roots down in the North.

Such conversations are always best shared face to face, but I wanted him to know how I was truly feeling before he picked me up. So he could make the choice to see me or not.

We were both preparing our hearts for closure. But I certainly wasn’t expecting the curve ball he threw me on our drive from the airport. I was shocked to hear that he was dating again so soon. And wondered, how could he move on so quickly? It was news that gave rise to a multitude of feelings, to an already weary me from travel and emotional goodbyes.

Although a little relieved that he is moving on, I was hurt that he didn’t wait until I had returned to the UK. I was angry that he didn’t give me the same respect I had given him. I was jealous of the new woman now in his life. And I was so very disappointed about loosing the possibility of maintaining a friendship.

In all fairness, it was to be expected when I had been pushing him away. But I truly believed that his silence was about giving me some time & space, to clarify my confusions. Deep down, I had hoped he would fight harder for me and our relationship. So, yes, my heart hurts but my ego is also a little bruised.

As you can imagine it was an intense 24 hours together. Because both of us still love one another, but it seems that the depth of our love isn’t strong enough to hold our relationship together. And there is no one to blame for that.

I certainly don’t blame him for his choices and totally understand his actions. And I take full responsibility for the part I have played. I have broken his heart and nothing about that feels good for either one of us.

In all honesty, I don’t believe that we can avoid the pain of a hurting heart. Because having witnessed one of the greatest love stories reach a bitter end. I’ve learned that love and loss are just equal sides of the same coin.

As I watched my parents hold onto each other during their greatest fear, with such selfless love and devotion. It was a vision that both broke and warmed my heart to see. And an experience that forced me to reflect upon my own intimate relationships.

When it comes to love, I walk a very different path to my parents and sisters. It seems I haven’t really walked a parallel path with the men I’ve loved. A truth that hit me hard when the man loving me, said that our time together had been the best times of his life.

I wondered how could this be so, when it was in fact the worst time of my life ? 

Although I was glad to hear that he was leaving the relationship more confident within himself. I couldn’t help but feel a little annoyed because I’m feeling so very insecure in myself.

But I strongly believe that our relationships offer valuable lessons in love. So I’m always grateful for the reflection (in-to-me-see). And I’m always grateful for the love that is shared.

Although I consider myself blessed to have experienced love with many wonderful men over my 44 years of life, I often wonder …

Am I destined to grow in love, alone ?

And so the journey continues ❤

Sitting on the beach last night, alone with my sorrow and insecurities, I felt HELD ❤ Perhaps it was the warm presence of spirit ?

Sometimes I wish I had the gift of sight. The ability to SEE who sits and walks with me. Oh Mam, how I long to look up and see your face.

Although we shared, there’s still so much left unsaid between us. I miss our conversations about life and love. I’m struggling to shake the regrets from my mind, that continue to torture me. What if you’re the only one who can release me from my suffering ? Will this cold dark of night ever leave my side ? Will I ever feel the warmth of the sun on my heart again ?

Yesterday, I felt the familiar sting of loss and rejection, that triggered my fears and brought a sense of chaos in my mind. Shared truths that created distance and space for other feelings to arise from the depths of my being. Like a wounded child, I sought comfort from my Mam

Hold me 💔

” It’s good to also be aware that Virgo transits can cause us to be more critical than usual – of ourselves & others. So be mindful of how you share your observations, feedback & suggestions with others. ”

I often fail in my interactions because I’m not mindful enough. I wish I’d read Tanishka’s moon wisdoms yesterday. Maybe it would have given me a broader perspective into my feelings and a deeper understanding into my thoughts. Perhaps my conversations would have been more loving and less critical. Maybe I could have avoided the sting of rejection and loss that brought rise to my deeper wounds.

But what if those mindless interactions take us to where we need to go ? To bring our deeper truths from the darkest parts of our hearts 💔