I’m learning that when relationships end, its often difficult to gain closure, heal and move on with an open heart thats willing to love again. Because we are often blind to the other persons truth, which offers an incomplete story.
Hence why I often contemplate over my own experiences of love and loss.
I was feeling a little more anxious about arriving in the UK because I was confronting the end of my relationship. Before leaving Australia I was forced to be brutally honest with myself. After a tough 7 months, it was time to do what’s right for me. Truth be told, my heart hasn’t been fully committed to the man who was loving me. So, I had been completely honest with him before returning to the UK.
He knew I still loved another man but my grief keeps pulling me back into solitude. To focus on the relationship I have with myself and this new world I now find myself in. My heart’s so very confused and conflicted. I feel unable to love him in the way he deserves. And if we’re both being totally honest with each other, he wants to settle with someone in the South and I want to put some roots down in the North.
Such conversations are always best shared face to face, but I wanted him to know how I was truly feeling before he picked me up. So he could make the choice to see me or not.
We were both preparing our hearts for closure. But I certainly wasn’t expecting the curve ball he threw me on our drive from the airport. I was shocked to hear that he was dating again so soon. And wondered, how could he move on so quickly? It was news that gave rise to a multitude of feelings, to an already weary me from travel and emotional goodbyes.
Although a little relieved that he is moving on, I was hurt that he didn’t wait until I had returned to the UK. I was angry that he didn’t give me the same respect I had given him. I was jealous of the new woman now in his life. And I was so very disappointed about loosing the possibility of maintaining a friendship.
In all fairness, it was to be expected when I had been pushing him away. But I truly believed that his silence was about giving me some time & space, to clarify my confusions. Deep down, I had hoped he would fight harder for me and our relationship. So, yes, my heart hurts but my ego is also a little bruised.
As you can imagine it was an intense 24 hours together. Because both of us still love one another, but it seems that the depth of our love isn’t strong enough to hold our relationship together. And there is no one to blame for that.
I certainly don’t blame him for his choices and totally understand his actions. And I take full responsibility for the part I have played. I have broken his heart and nothing about that feels good for either one of us.
In all honesty, I don’t believe that we can avoid the pain of a hurting heart. Because having witnessed one of the greatest love stories reach a bitter end. I’ve learned that love and loss are just equal sides of the same coin.
As I watched my parents hold onto each other during their greatest fear, with such selfless love and devotion. It was a vision that both broke and warmed my heart to see. And an experience that forced me to reflect upon my own intimate relationships.
When it comes to love, I walk a very different path to my parents and sisters. It seems I haven’t really walked a parallel path with the men I’ve loved. A truth that hit me hard when the man loving me, said that our time together had been the best times of his life.
I wondered how could this be so, when it was in fact the worst time of my life ?
Although I was glad to hear that he was leaving the relationship more confident within himself. I couldn’t help but feel a little annoyed because I’m feeling so very insecure in myself.
But I strongly believe that our relationships offer valuable lessons in love. So I’m always grateful for the reflection (in-to-me-see). And I’m always grateful for the love that is shared.
Although I consider myself blessed to have experienced love with many wonderful men over my 44 years of life, I often wonder …
Am I destined to grow in love, alone ?
And so the journey continues ❤