The fast has ended but I sense that its only the beginning. I broke my fast eating 2 scrambled eggs at 9am this morning, after an intense night.
I really wanted to test my limits and make it longer than 60 hours, but I did achieve my goal. Last night I was propelled deeper into myself, sat with fear until it literally spat me out and today I feel a little less heavy in the guts, more clearer of mind and a little more open hearted to the flow of LOVE ❤
So what happened, you may wonder ?
Well, I went to bed hungry, but not for food. My sexual appetite was partially satisfied by an orgasm, but I noticed how my primal urge only satisfied my basic need of relieving tension.
My soul needed more !!!
And as usual my heart guided me deeper, but it was an intense experience that left me feeling overwhelmed.
I received a message from a concerned friend, advising me not to fast. Her words triggered my fear and I noticed my heart rate increasing, which then brought an old friend out to play.
Anxiety tends to get abit overly excited when my heart races. My attempts to reassure my body that I wasn’t starving her was unsuccessful. My mind had activated the message that I was doing something crazy stupid and I needed to be STOPPED right now !!!
So I had the choice to either relieve my anxiety by eating something (or) to feel anxious. So I accepted the presence of anxiety and meditated. I focused on my breath, reaffirming that I was nourishing my body with love and that my intention was to open and heal.
I acknowledged a pattern ….
Of allowing someone elses opinion to cause me to doubt my own choices. A realization of how my own feelings of shame and guilt are often attached to the belief of what’s thought to be right, not neccessarily what FEELS right for me.
For a moment, I thought that was what anxiety was here to show me. But a fear was feeding anxiety and it soon felt like I was flowing into a panic attack. My heart was racing so fast, it felt like I would go into heart failure. Fucking typical I thought to myself, go and drop down dead now that you finally feel like you’re making some frigging progress in life !!!
In a state of panic, I became suddenly aware of my life force. The fear of confronting my own death propelled me deep into my grief, as I wondered, is this how Mam felt ? As my tears flowed, a small part of me wanted to get closer to death. An awareness that I was reaching out to Mam, which made me feel a sense of despair because I couldn’t see her.
Thoughts began to rush into my mind. You cant die because you’re at work, on duty ya fool !!! Think about your kids, your sisters and your Dad. You’re over reacting, calm the fuck down ….. BREATHE !!!
I drifted over to sleep and woke afew hours later. Feeling fine until I stood up. My heart began to race again and I felt weak and whoozy. So I decided to be gentle with myself and stop fasting today. Acknowledging that I need to feel safe to proceed any longer.
Today, as I clarify my own needs, conversations have been a little more honest and open.
Will I be fasting again ?
You betcha I will ❤