This week I’ve been struggling …
Most of the time I flow with what IS because my FAITH is strong, but the flow is easily disrupted. It only takes a little something to throw me off balance and into overwhelm.
Truth is, we are living our saddest chapter ever and NOTHING can change that hard truth.
No matter how positive we try to think
No matter how much we’re grateful for
No matter how many blessings we have
Our beloved Dad is still dying from cancer 💔
I apologize if my words hurt your heart.
I understand if you prefer to look away.
I even understand your need to avoid me.
Truth be told, my words hurt MY heart. I want to look away and at times I avoid myself.
Being in the hospice with Dad triggered some painful memories from the past. Because as we confront Dad’s end of life, we relive Mam’s.
It’s hard to be fully present in the NOW …
When we don’t want to be where we are
When we don’t want to see what we see
When we don’t want to feel how we feel
At times, it’s challenging to find the positives and it’s even harder to stay fucking strong !!!
Whenever my thoughts stray into the past, I ride the waves of grief, while trying my hardest to remain fully present in the moments. But how can the moments bring me peace when it feels like we are reliving the past ?
Whenever my thoughts wander off into the future, I experience waves of anxiety because of my fears and uncertainties. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever truly find peace of mind ?
My mind and body need deep-rest (usually known and experienced as depression). I am so very very tired. I want to stay in bed, sleep, switch off and loose myself in Netflex stories, go to the van and create a santuary to retreat to, be wrapped up in someones loving arms or loose myself in the blissful pleasures of sex.
Truth be told, I want to do ANYTHING but get up and confront the harsh realities of what IS.
I wonder …
WHY does the past bury itself so deeply inside of our hearts and minds ? And why the fuck don’t our fears just fuck the fuck off ?
Perhaps its because when we’re going through our most challenging times, we do whatever we can to get through it. And sometimes the only way we can get through it, is to NOT think about it, NOT process it and definitly NOT feel it. Maybe its because we’ve buried our truths ?
Truth is, if you’re like me, then you are learning how to SURRENDER and BE fully present when the moments are the most challenging.
I wonder …
HOW can we BE more present ?
Well, lets start by NOT telling each other to stay fucking strong when we’re struggling and be positive during the worst times of our lives.
LETS KEEP IT REAL !!!
I need your listening ears to hear my fears. Because I need to process and express any conflicting thoughts and feelings causing me inner tension, discomfort and distress.
YES, this will trigger YOUR inner conflicts ❤
I need a hug when I feel weak because I don’t always feel strong. Being held when I’m feeling overwhelmed makes me feel supported as I regain the strength I need to keep going.
YES, this will trigger YOUR vulnerability ❤
I need to BE and FEEL whatever flows without pretending that everything’s OK because my truth makes you uncomfortable. I need to be completely honest, otherwise I put on a mask for your comfort and that hurts me even more.
YES, this will trigger YOUR truth ❤
I need to be supported and encouraged to FEEL my experience without fear of being judged, misunderstood, criticized, rejected or abandoned by those who matter most to me.
YES, this will trigger YOUR woundings ❤
And sometimes, as much as I don’t want to be, sometimes I need to be alone in my most challenging moments. To live it, to process, to fully FEEL it and to break through my barriers.
So, this FULL MOON I ask myself …
What has surfaced to be seen ?
What am I holding onto ?
What is no longer serving me ?
What am I ready to release ?
No matter what our struggle is …
NOW is the time to RELEASE ourselves from mindless suffering, by OPENING up our hearts and minds to NEW possibilities. And allowing Universal energies to flow through us, so we can become the BEST version of ourselves.
Our lives are the NEW stories we need to read
Blessed BE to you ALL ❤