This mornings contemplations …
I dragged Mam out of bed to watch this sunrise (11th Aug 2017) and she loved every minute of it. We talked alot that morning but there was so much left unsaid. She had been diagnosed 8 weeks previous and we lost her 12 weeks later. Memories like this are so very precious because there’ll never be another opportunity to share these kinda wonderfuls together again. Not in the flesh and not in this lifetime anyways. This is a truth that still hurts my heart to acknowledge and is challenging to accept.
We have loadsa photos of Mam but I wish I had taken more videos. Because when those waves of grief wash over me, I miss seeing her physical form so damn much it physically hurts. Watching a video like this or hearing her voice offers my inner child a sense of comfort.
I often wonder why it’s easier to accept some deaths and not others? I wonder if I’ll ever be truly ready and able to fully let go of my attachments? I wonder why I’m struggling to let go and flow with this reality so damn much?
Being a woman who drifts between worlds and dips her toes in different dimensional realities, I need to clarify reality to ensure I’m not living in a fantasy and following an illusion of truth.
The reality IS …
My Mam has died
My Dad is dying
My relationship status is single once again
My cubs are moving in different directions
My job no longer brings me joy
My life direction is uncertain
No fucking wonder I feel the way I do !!!
To be honest I don’t think I’ve fully come to terms with Mam’s death yet. In truth, it all still feels like a bad dream because we’re still living the same nightmare with Dad. This is another truth that hurts to acknowledge and is challenging to accept. This nightmare began back in October 2016, when Dad was first diagnosed. It’s been a journey full of so many tensions, conflicts, struggles and challenges.
Although we go through this as a family, our experiences aren’t the same. We see, feel, seek and need different things because we have our own soul purpose on the journey in this life time and we are ALL the hero of our own story.
Truth is, no matter how prepared we “think” we are, nothing can really prepare us for watching someone we love die. Because every person, relationship and experience is different.
Although my spirit has awoken to deeper truths, sometimes I wonder if I’m yet to fully awaken from this nightmare? As we adjust to our new “normal” that’s forever changing, I cant help but wonder how am I gonna feel when all this is over? I wonder what life will be like when our parents no longer exist in this world?
In all honesty it kinda feels like Mam hasn’t really gone, it’s like she’s in another room and I’m just waiting for her to walk through the door. Maybe that’s because I believe that she is waiting for Dad? Perhaps its because I don’t believe death is the end? Maybe its because I can still feel her energy even though I can no longer see her body? Perhaps my faith helps me to feel connected to her spirit? Maybe I’m just holding onto whatever the fuck I can?
In truth, I’m just doing my best to get through each day with as much honesty and love as I can. Sometimes its a struggle to get out of bed or off the chair. Sometimes the darkness is too heavy and its a battle to fight my way out. And other times I have a sense of knowing in my heart that makes me feel like I AM the love and light navigating the way through this nightmare
These are the energetic shifts between 3rd and 5th dimensional realities. This is the shift from fear based thinking that limits me, into heart space where divine love guides my choices ❤