“She is the type of woman who needs alone time. She feels deep, she thinks even deeper. Her alone time allows her to figure out her mood, where her energy is and how to take each step in life.” (Sylvester McNutt)
This is the type of woman I am, but despite all the blissful solitude posts, alone time isn’t always easy. Because there is less distraction, I can’t avoid myself and sometimes I don’t want to BE alone with myself. I’ve been diving in deep for many years, but those dives can take me to some pretty dark places. I was alone in a dark place last night and I made the experience worse by drinking whiskey.
The conscious woman is mindful of her choices, but she doesn’t always choose well, or perhaps her choices are a little more conscious than she realizes?
It wasn’t just one thing that tipped me over the edge last night, it was (3) experiences. And I’m learning to appreciate that it’s no coincidence that the power of (3) keeps showing up in my life.
First, I had a doctor’s appointment with our GP for a referral to a breast clinic. Dr Di has been our family doctor since we emigrated to Australia in 1991, so seeing her triggered me. Not only the cancer journey with our beloved parents, but she is also a link to my wounded 17 year old self. The parts of me I’ve been consciously bringing back in, to feel and heal so I can BEcome whole again.
Second, my sisters and I went to the solicitors to sign the last of the paperwork. Although all (3) of us agree that not keeping Yam is the right thing for us to do, it doesn’t make it any easier to let it go. Yam is the home our beloved parents built on the foundations they choose for our life in Australia. It’s the place we have all gathered together to make the memories we now cherish. A home that holds so much history for the Fletcher family. It’s the (3rd) significant loss we’ve been preparing ourselves for, but in all honesty, we can never really prepare ourselves for how we’re gonna feel.
Third, we started to take the final step in laying a difficult chapter to rest, which is putting our parent’s ashes together in the cemetery. Although my sisters and I go through the motions together, we ride our own waves of grief alone.
Last night I felt groundless and I spiralled into the depths of my despair. I was drowning in the stormy sea of loss, while being tossed around by the waves of uncertainty. Truth is, its difficult to stay fully present in the moments when we are letting go of the past, and surrendering to an unknown future. For me, I visualize it as being completely alone in a boat on calm open waters. I’m holding a lamp, but its dark and foggy so I can only see a few metres in front of me. I’ve lost sight of the shore and have no idea what lies ahead of me. So, all I can do is stay calm, drift and trust I’m heading in the right direction.
Those are the times I fear being alone the most, because when I’m lost in the dark I struggle to see the light and need to dig deep to feel the love that I am. These are the times I desperately want to be found and need to be rescued, but often find myself alone. Staying fully present with this kinda solitude is challenging because it demands faith in what cannot be seen. This is when fear can and does distort my thought process, which is why I can relate to those with mental illness who have taken their own lives. Although it’s my own personal experience, its in this place I also feel deeply connected to those living souls who are lost in the dark, consumed by fear.
I understand this as the collective unconsciousness
The global pandemic has triggered many souls to reassess their life choices. To dive in to explore their inner realms and experience the dark night of their soul, which is why there is so much more fear to be felt. Alas, not everyone can see beyond the health crisis and political chaos because not everyone needs to. We each have an important role to play during these uncertain times of change.
As I consciously dive in deeper to myself and connect with the collective, I know there is purpose. Although I trust the process (even when I don’t always understand it), its not always easy to sit amongst the shadows. It’s not all about love and light for a light worker, we are invited to explore the darker realms to shine a light on our shadow. These are the battles I must fight alone and although I know spirit is always guiding me, I’m still afraid the darkness will consume me.
In all honesty, I feel a little uncomfortable sharing my truth because not everyone will understand my process or my journey.
In (3) weeks I return the Jucy camper van, so I’m contemplating my next move.
Although Heaven is a wonderful place to BE in solitude, my gypsy soul is feeling restless and I need to wander. I acknowledge that I don’t want to settle in a community of women because my mind, body and spirit desires more. I want to share my life with a man I can grow with. I want to explore and have experiences with someone. I want to find the place that feels right for us to lay our foundations. I want to create the kinda memories our family and friends will cherish long after I’m gone. And I want to do the work that feels right for me to do. So I’m taking the steps towards fulfilling my heart’s desire.