Dear Diary,

Yesterday was a rough day …

Today, I reflect 🤔

Whilst grieving the loss of someone we love, life already feels hard. Throw in unexpected challenges and life can become all TOO hard !!!

These are the times when we can easily loose our grip, fall into the darkness of our minds, drown in the abyss of our emotions and loose ourselves in a state of suffering.

Yesterday, I struggled to get out of bed because my mind was consumed by dark thoughts and my open heart gave rise to some very uncomfortable feelings.

I was hurt, disappointed and fucking angry !!!

I was angry with others, myself and Universe

And I felt like an epic FAILURE 😔

It took me all day to drag my weary ass out of bed and it was an effort to get dressed.

Somewhere Ive been several times before …

ROCK BOTTOM !!!

To be honest, I needed to flee but I was a little afraid of my own company because some of my thoughts scared me. I didn’t want to burden my grieving family and I was far too emotional to drive too far … I felt alone and lost 😓

But I reached out to a friend, who welcomed me with open arms, mind and heart. A woman who helped me to process my messy thoughts and held space for the rise and fall of emotion.

Thankyou … I LOVE YOU ❤

Today, I still have a heavy heart but my mind was clear enough to take steps out of the pit.

I focused on ONE of my challenges …

I’m taking a little pressure off myself by signing on the dole and made an appointment to see the Doctor, to request afew months to grieve.

To be honest I’m not emotionally ready to jump back into my work. End of life care is full of too many triggers. And I’m not emotionally ready to look for work in another direction.

Admitting that is hard, but neccessry.

Tonight, I sat on the beach with my sister. Indulging in the beauty of sunset. Sharing our inner most thoughts and feelings.

Thankyou … I LOVE YOU ❤

Life feels all TOO hard right now.
As hard as it is to say,
Mam has died 💔
I have no job,
nor the energy to work.
Apart from my clothing,
I own nothing.
I wonder,
How far $300 in my bank account will take me?
Although blessed with a loving family,
grateful for supportive friends.
Lucky to be loved by many,
I feel so very alone.
A hurting, conflicted heart,
so very unsure of my direction.
My daughter needs her Mother,
but I myself, feel so very very lost.
A whisper tells me, it’ll be OK,
that the path will unfold.
But right now,
it feels like the sky is falling in 😔

Regaining my fitness is a real struggle and its hurting my feet. In all honesty I’d rather stay in bed BUT I know the fresh air and exercise is good for Dad and I.

As we walk, we talk

Processing the last few months is neccessary because it’s difficult to fully FEEL something that’s difficult to believe has just happened.

Truth is, as a family we were already coming to terms with Dad’s diagnosis and treatment.

So Mam’s diagnosis was another shock and the following 4 months, a living nightmare that confronted us all with our greatest fear 😔

How do you move forward from that ?

One day at a time 💔

Saying goodbye to Mam is tough on us all, but its toughest on Dad. Although Mam died Friday 3rd November. The funeral was on Friday 10th. She was cremated Monday 13th and we collect her ashes today Wednesday 15th.

So its been a loooong goodbye for Dad.

Although I acknowledge Mam’s death and grieve the loss of my beloved Mother, in my heart I don’t believe that she’s gone. Because I still feel her energy around us and I hear her whisper in the wind.

I believe …

Spirit becomes one with Nature

So I decided to have a wander on the beach the other day, after dropping my daughter off at work. To have a conversation with Mam, who nudged me to take Dad out for some fresh air.

As we drove towards the beach Dad shared how Mam always found a park, even on the busiest days. The carpark was full, but as we drove around the corner, a car pulled out for us.

We smiled, knowing Mam was with us.

Dad and I walked for hours. We talked about the past, the present and the future. When we reached the headland I looked up and asked Dad what he could see in the sky ?

A white feather ❤

A sign from spirit in the sky ☺

What if …

Death is the beginning of a wonderful conversation with Universe ?

Dear Mam,

You were there for my very first breath and I consider it an honour to have been there for your final breath.

I recall a conversation we had on the beach, on one of our sunrise walks. You told me that you weren’t afraid of dying, but you weren’t ready to leave us. You wanted to prove those Doctors wrong and show us another way. But most of all you wanted others to believe in miracles.

Although it wasn’t the miracle we had hoped for, Universe did sprinkle a little magic into our lives. Our wish for a peaceful death was granted, and for that I’m ever so GRATEFUL.

Truth is, we couldn’t have achieved your wish to die at home, without the help of a loving and supportive Community.

Unbeknowns to us at the time, you guided us through a process that very few are privelaged to experience.

Because how we experience death, has changed so much over the years. It’s become a clinical or lonely process.

As a culture, we’ve lost so many of our traditional customs and rituals along the way. And this was something that you helped us, as a family, to explore.

Caring for your end of life at home was the hardest thing I’ve EVER done. It was full of so many concerns, conflicts and challenges. But it was also the greatest gift I’ve ever been given. And for that I’ll be eternally GRATEFUL.

Sharing this experience as a family has strengthened our love. And I’m ever so GRATEFUL for my beloved FAMILY ❤

I’m so very thankful for the support and guidance from the Palliative Care team. They made caring for you at home possible, to which I’m GRATEFUL.

The love and support we received from ALL of our family and friends gave us comfort during our most challenging days, for which I’m GRATEFUL.

The consistant support of some very special people has and continues to give us strength during our most difficult days, for which I’m GRATEFUL.

And I feel its important to mention that the presence and loving energy of Uncle Steve, James, Liz, Harry and Fiona on your final day was a blessing that enabled us to better support both you and Dad through your transition. And for that my sisters and I will be eternally GRATEFUL.

We have so much to be grateful for ❤

I’m telling you what happened as if you were unawares, but something tells me that you knew so much more than us.

But I’m gonna share with you anyways.

I noticed how spirit started to connect with us afew days before your passing. Different birds began to show up in the garden and their behaviours captured my attention. First, it was the Kookaburra. He came when the going started to get REALLY tough. I watched him sitting ever so patiently, as a wee wiggy wag tail harassed him persistently. I believe he came with “healing energy” and his message was to stay open to spirit, to stand strong as a family and to no doubt remind me to lighten the fuck up.

Three beautiful black Cockatoos showed up next. I heard them calling and seen them sitting in the tree just outside of your bedroom window. I believe they came with “Liberating energy” and their message was that of emotional freedom and the sharing of spiritual truths.

Hence why I feel compelled to share my words, perhaps?

The fearless Butcher bird interacted with us the day before your passing. I’m not certain what message he brought? But his boldness made me feel a strong sense of connection with spirit, which may be the message in itself.

And then a bird flew into your bedroom window the morning of your passing, which is a sign of Death approaching.

Reflecting over the messages our feathered friends brought us, makes me smile ☺ Because you’ve always believed feathers to be gifts from spirit, a belief that we as a family share. For many years you’ve collected feathers on your path. A collection you planned to create something wonderful with.

A sense of sadness overcomes me because you never had the time to do this. Perhaps you’ll guide us to create something beautiful for you?

The day before your passing we gathered all the Grandchildren together. To say their final farwells to you, their beloved Grammy. I hope that you felt a whole lota love, laughter and life around you that day, as you slept. Because this was the Wake we had spoken about you being a part of, the week before.

The Grandchildren left that night but your big brother and 3 of your closest friends stayed with us. We took turns to sit by your side while others slept.

I believe that there was so much more meaning and purpose to the experience than any of us realized at the time.

Truth is, your death was beautiful ❤

It was the morning of Friday 3rd November. Your breathing changed and we knew your transition was close.

So we all gathered around the bed inwhich you layed. I held your hand and played some of your favourite songs on my phone. “Life in a Northern town” by the Dream Academy and “What a Wonderful World” by Lois Armstrong.  

When I asked my sisters what to play next, they said “you know which one sis”. I did, but I admit that I was reluctant to play it because when Dad played it for you the week before, our hearts broke 💔

The song was “There goes my everything” by Englebert Humperdink.

As the song played, our hearts broke open and our tears flowed. You took your final breaths listening to that song, knowing how much you were loved. Your spirit left your body peacefully at 6am

Since you crossed over to the Other side, reality still doesn’t feel real. I already miss your physical presence so much it hurts, but I still feel your energy.

I wonder, was it you who flickered my fairy lights as I layed in my bed?

I wonder, was it you who created the beautiful giant white feather in the sky?

I wonder, was it you who left the soap sud heart at my feet in the shower?

Although I grieve the loss of you, my heart knows that death isn’t the end.

I love you forever and always ❤

Yesterday, a wave of panic rushed over me as I stood in the kitchen. Out of no where came a sudden rush of heat. And as my hands shook and my body trembled, memories of my first panic attack resurfaced.

I was 27 years old, in the UK attending my very first funeral, saying goodbye to my beloved Granda. I recall sitting in the crowd, feeling suffocated by my emotions. Sweating as my heart raced faster and faster, I couldn’t breathe and it felt like I was going to faint.

I needed air !!!

So I stood up and headed for the door, but as I reached for the handle someone stopped me … it was you

You wrapped your arms around my trembling shoulders. I told you that I desperately wanted to flee but you insisted that I stay.

We stood at the door as the final song played and the curtains were drawn. You held onto me, as my heart felt the loss and my tears began to flow. I was a little angry with you for not letting me go, yet comforted by your love.

Today, we started preparations for your funeral and waves of emotion roll over me, as I feel the heaviness of my grief. The ache in my heart is a constant reminder that you’re missing from us.

How can I get through this without you?

Although I sense your spirit energy and am grateful for the signs. I long to look into your eyes, to hear your voice, to smell the familiar scent of home and to feel the warmth of your loving embrace

I miss your physical presence 💔

Tonight, I notice how my anxious heart now beats much slower. Although I breathe a little easier knowing you’re no longer in pain, my heart aches. It aches because I grieve the loss of your beautiful body. The womb that gave me life, eyes that looked deep into my soul, lips that smiled whenever you seen me, ears that listened to my worries and fears, hands that held mine, arms that hugged me tightly, feet that walked beside me, a mind that challenged me and a HEART that ALWAYS loved me 💔

But as the tears flow freely from my heart, I know that you’re so much more than the body I miss so very much. Because I sense your spirit close. A beautiful energy radiating so much love and light, that makes me feel safe, supported and loved. I look forward to falling into my dreams and drifting between worlds ❤

I wandered to the toilet for my usual morning piddle, pausing at my parents bedroom door.

Peering inside I see an empty hospital bed and and our beloved Father curled up in the single bed, alone and my heart hurts 💔

I come back to bed and open up facebook to read the many beautiful messages and posts that you all openly share with us. About our beloved Mother and I see how much she has touched all of your hearts.

I feel a sense of pride because she’s my Mam.

But then I feel a little uncomfortable when I notice how jealousy and envy begin to rise within me. Because I think about how far and wide her spirit will soar. I fear that I won’t be able to feel her close and I feel a little angry.

As my mind ticks with a multitude of irrational thoughts that trigger emotion to flow. My heart reminds me to not dwell in the depths of my mind, nor get lost in the darkness of my fears.

To heal we must FEEL and RELEASE !!!

So I don’t linger in my thoughts nor my feelings

I ride the waves of my grief

Truth is,

Although she loved you all, we were the centre of her Universe and family was her everything.

I notice how my mind replays memories and moments that keep taking me back in time. There isn’t one memory that doesn’t involve YOU in some way. For almost 44 years you have been at the very heart of who I am.

And I wonder

How can I move forward without you ?

Although life just keeps on moving as it did
before, nothing about this day feels the same without you. Our world has been shattered into pieces and it’ll never to be the same again.

I miss you 💔

Anticipatory grief …

If you’ve never heard of that before, than google and have an insightful read. Because it explains how the grieving process isn’t something that happens when someone we love dies.

As a family, our grieving began the very first day that our beloved Father was diagnosed with cancer. We grieved the loss of the hopes and plans that our parents had for his retirement.

Each of us responded to that grief in our own unique ways, neither way right nor wrong. Then we were hit with the devastating diagnosis of our beloved Mother. Something that hit our already hurting hearts with an almighty blow.

Mam’s experience has been different to Dad’s from the get go. Forcing my sisters and I to confront the harsh reality of this situation far too soon. Forever conflicted between hoping for the best, while preparing ourselves for the worst.

A grieving process that brings us closer

I keep seeing our family as a structure, each playing a vital role in how we function together as a whole.

Our beloved Mother, the HEART ❤
Our beloved Father, the MIND
My sisters and I, the BONES

(Back bone, funny bone, wish bone)

During this time, the heart of our family is breaking OPEN as a whole. But I see it as something that serves a far greater purpose than breaking our hearts. I don’t believe that loss is only to make us suffer. I believe that heart breaks are the growing pains of our soul.

A belief that continues to navigate me through the darkest storm of our lives. Because no matter who we are, where we come from or what our relationship is like, the loss of our beloved Mother is something that we ALL feel.

But I also believe that Death isn’t the end.

A belief I share with my family, and it’s something that also guides us through these darkest of times.

For me, this is another life experience to learn and grow from. Something that unlocks hidden aspects of my heart, mind and soul. Providing me with deeper understandings about myself and the influence I have on others.

But don’t be fooled because there are many times when I feel overwhelmed by my conflicts and concerns. Times when my mind and heart are at war with each other, striving to find a sense of balance.

Truth is, it’s difficult to stay focused on the bigger picture when our hearts are breaking open. Because our thoughts are irrational and our emotions intense.

But I’m learning how to trust in the challenging process of change.

Truth is, no matter how much we want things to stay the same. The ebb and flow of life will continue as Nature intended. So during our most darkest of days, I hope that my family and I continue to express love from our open hearts and allow our lights to shine.

Because at the heart of our grief there is nothing but LOVE ❤

Mindful interaction ❤

I’m sitting in the lounge room with my parents, writing as they sleep ❤

Listening to the humming sound as the oxygen concentrator pumps air into Mam’s lungs and the wheeze that she exhales as she sleeps. Looking at Dad curled up on the couch, asleep.

My younger sister’s in the spare room cuddled up with her hubby and I’m awake. Because I chuffed of to bed much earlier in the night. For some much needed sleep and rest catch up.

Mam’s been sleeping for both England and Australia lately, but last night she had some broken sleep. Pushing her body a little too far and she suffered for it. A woman who once walked for miles and miles, now struggles to walk afew metres.

Its distressing to see her suffer 💔

But as she sleeps peacefully beside me, I smile as I think about the warrior woman she is. A fighting spirit that still shines through. And I reflect over those little things that she said and did during the few hours of wakefulness.

Like shaking her head at me being a silly bugger. Grabbing her phone, fumbling with the camera to take a photo of me wearing cheezles on my fingers like rings. Ever so cheekily demanding a massage and sharing whatever pops into her mind without a social filter ☺

We had a big day of visitors yesterday and it brought many a smile to her dial. But it also takes alot of energy for her to present her best self to you all. That’s why we ask that people be mindful of their visits, for all of our sakes.

As a family, we ride a roller coaster of emotions that can become overwhelming.

It’s wonderful to have her home ❤

We’re blessed with the love and support of family, friends and community services. But none of that stops the fear from surfacing and the sadness in our hearts from hurting. However, it does ease some of our anxieties and for that we are ever so grateful ❤

The nurse in me sees things that the daughter doesn’t want to see, which can cause me alot of inner conflict. Some of those words I shared with you yesterday.

As a woman who chooses to be open, it feels right to share parts of my inner most experiences with you. But I’m a litte more mindful about my sharings these days.

Because these are trying times for us all. So I want my words to touch your hearts gently, as I express my truth with as much honesty as I can.

Mindful interaction ❤