During times of uncertainty, I frequently ask myself and am now asking YOU

How are you feeling?
What are you thinking?

These are uncertain times for us all, which is why I’m sharing my thoughts and feelings. As I dive a little deeper, I’m being a little more honest and open about how I reacted to news of COVID 19 and the current restrictions.

When I first heard the breaking news, I felt the niggling sensation of doubt, which tickled my curiosity. I wondered, why this and why now? Wonderings that wanted to know the truth behind the source of its creation and who would be benefiting the most from this global pandemic. My mind gravitated towards the political agendas, which triggered my fear because I felt like my newfound sense of freedom was under threat. As the days unfolded, I began to feel the bitter sting of resentment because once again life feels unfair. It seems every time I finally get a grip on reality as it IS and whenever I adjust to another major life change, life delivers yet another curve ball to remind me.

“Change is inevitable. Growth is intentional”. (Glenda Cloud).

Hmmmmm … why do such insights still piss me off ???

I spent the last 2 months in Chenrezig, contemplating why I felt stuck. By confronting the source of my agitation I came face to face with my resistance, and gained deeper insight into the nature of my own mind.

But what do I mean by that ???

Well, I already know I struggle with heat and humidity because my body temperature has always ran hot and I’m perimenopausal, which is why it didn’t really make sense to find myself working in a hot kitchen, during the hottest time of year in Queensland, in the humidity of the mountains (or) perhaps it made perfect sense. I was in a constant state of physical discomfort, which is what activated my agitated state of mind and then attracted the “Tormentors” (aka March flies). The longer I sat with my discomfort, the deeper I explored my agitation, the more I talked about my irritation, the more I understood my frustration. I noticed how I was becoming impatient with grief and therefore resisting the need to sit with my pain and suffering.

“It isn’t impermanence that makes us suffer, its wanting things to be permanent when they are not” (Nhat Hanh).

I sat with the full intensity of my insecurities and uncertainties and accepted the heart-breaking reality of what IS. Acknowledging that my life has never been about security or settling. Accepting that my gypsy soul needs to wander as part of my healing process and soul purpose. So. I left Chenrezig feeling a little more certain of my direction, only to find myself stepping back into society during a time of even GREATER uncertainty. After going through my own personal apocalyptic experience, I now find myself in a global Armageddon.

What the actual FUCK ???

I felt a mixture of frustration and concern when the government started to tell us to stay home to reduce the spread of infection. My home is in the form of a rented camper van because my bohemian spirit wants to wander, but I’m being told to not wander. After battling with myself for a few days, I thought, it’s OK I can camp in National Parks and still have the adventure and experiences I need to have, but then that option was taken away too. Having trained as a nurse, I know the importance of preventing the spread of infection to protect the vulnerable, but my inner rebel also reacts to being told what she can and can’t do from authority figures. Although I agree with the necessary restrictions, I still feel oppressed and uneasy about the unforeseeable future that lies ahead of us.

That’s when I noticed how my thoughts were consumed with what I couldn’t or didn’t want to do. So, I began to lean into the tension without resisting what was arising, by observing how I was reacting to what I was thinking.

Questions arose and I’m going to share my answers …

Why am I struggling?
Because life has thrown me yet another curve ball

What am I holding onto?
My sense of freedom

Why do I feel like I’m living someone else’s life?
Because I don’t feel in control

Who is making me feel like a burden or an intruder?
Myself, because I’m not living my own life on my own terms in my own way

How do I really feel about life not going to plan or as hoped AGAIN?
PISSED OFF !!!

What am I most afraid of?
Being controlled and manipulated by the forces I seek liberation from

More questions arose …

What if the collective unconsciousness is manifesting for a reason?
How can this challenging experience serve our healing and growth?
Have I learned anything of value that I can now share with others?

Hmmmmm … one would hope I’ve learned something

Over the last (3) years my family and I frequently put ourselves in lock down to protect our parents from infection, to prioritise their end of life care and to privilege our need to mourn. So, isolation and solitude aren’t anything new for us, but I thought those times were behind us. My sisters and I went through things that challenged us to dig deeper, which meant different things for each of us. For me, it meant digging deeper into the roots of my foundation, to explore my sense of security. My life has been full of detours, roadblocks, U-turns and roundabouts, so I understand the meaning of impermanence, but I now find myself in groundlessness. Although safe in my sisters home, I feel a strong desire to retreat deeper into Nature, so I’m feeling a little confused.

Why would I want to leave the safety?
What is calling me deeper into Nature?
How can I heed the call without putting others at risk?

Thoughts and emotions continue to flow through me, while my energetic body feels kinda suspended. Hovering above shaky ground in a state of levitation. As if an upward force is counteracting the pull of gravity, so I neither fall nor fly. Instead of falling apart, breaking open or running away I’m being called to focus on how I can remain balanced and fully present in the moments.

When our parents were diagnosed with incurable cancer within 8 months of each other, I struggled with reality because what I had feared most had manifested. Sometimes it felt like I was living in an alternate reality, as if we were actors playing a part in a story that someone else was writing. Sometimes it felt like I was having an out of body experience. My mind would switch off, my heart would close for repair and/or my soul would temporarily step out for a break. Staying completely present in some moments wasn’t always easy for me to do, which is what contributed to my experiences of PTSD. I believe traumatic memories resurfaced because I hadn’t fully processed, felt and released them.

Why am I sharing something from my past ???

Because once again I’m struggling with reality and know I’m not alone.

Although I wasn’t officially diagnosed with PTSD, I recognized the symptoms. No, I didn’t google it, I’ve actively studied (undergraduate degree in psychology and post graduate degree in counselling), and worked with mental health in Aged Care for 20 years.  But instead of going to the Doctor for a mental health referral, I trusted my own inner guidance. Asking myself what I needed, listening to my inner Medicine Woman, who led me towards the experiences and support I needed: Spending more time in Nature to reconnect. Seeking solitude to read through Mam’s journals and dive deeper into the depths of my own psyche. Using energetic therapies such as crystals, reiki and kinesiology, to clear blockages and align my energetic BEing of rainbow light. Seeking refuge in a Buddhist Institute of Learning, to better understand the nature of my own mind and reading books on the topics that interested me. Experiences that helped me to expand upon my understanding of grief and PTSD.

Cancer, death, grief and loss have guided me deeper and deeper on the road less travelled. A path I keep trusting even when I don’t always understand it. During times of chaos I focus on integrating psychological growth and spiritual attunement, to access intuitive guidance because its how I expand my consciousness. I do this because I no longer believe a crisis is a problem to be solved, but our greatest opportunity for healing and growth. A psycho spiritual approach “engages the mind, body and spirit, moving beyond problematic life patterns and overcoming traumatic life experiences.” Expanding upon traditional theories, by accessing our higher consciousness through things like meditation, self-awareness, mindfulness and creative expression, which is why I keep trusting my inner guidance.

I refer back to my initial reaction to the COVID 19

Who can benefit the most from this global pandemic ???

And realize there is more to gain than loose from this challenging experience.

According to the star gazers this is a revolutionary time of spiritual awakening. Whatever the source of this virus was, it has created the conditions for change. Nature is healing and Universal energies are flowing. Although fate is written in the stars, our destiny depends upon the choices we make. We can choose to react from fear (or) love. We’ve already witnessed both the fear and love in action, so you know what I’m talking about.

So, I ask YOU …

Are you willing to dig deeper into your truth so you can BE the love we need? Are you open to accept the possibility that this pandemic is NOT the crisis we think it is, but an opportunity for healing and growth? Are you doing what needs to be done to benefit future generations? Are you willing to peel back the layers of your identity and discover the truth of your BEing?

I invite you to notice your response to those questions and explore any discomfort and/or resistance that arises within you.

As I learn more about my own mental health challenges, I’m able to share my own struggles with an ever-changing reality with a little more clarity. Sharing how my search for inner peace has led me towards accepting that pain and suffering cannot be eliminated, but must be felt in its entirety so it can be alchemized into the pure love it is.

Instead of resisting the tensions, conflicts, chaos and necessary changes that come with a crisis, lets learn how to relax into this global challenge. Focusing on the opportunity for healing and growth as the collective conscience we are. Because whether we like it or not, we are ALL in this together and we each have an important role to play.

What is my role?
What are my responsibilities?

The answer to those questions will vary depending on who we are

I’m finally grasping Einsteins theory of reality being an illusion because our version of reality depends upon how we perceive it, which usually has nothing to do with the actual truth. To see the truth of reality as it IS we must be willing to let go of any conclusions we have come to and fully surrender to the impermanence of life, which is scary. We are afraid to do this because it means letting go when we innately feel the need to hold on. It’s breaking the habits of a life time (sometimes several).

This is the road less travelled, that I and many others continue to walk. We are the social misfits who challenge what IS because we see and feel how the collective wounds impact upon our individual experiences. We are the wounded healers who are guided IN to heal our own wounds, so we can help others to BE the change our world needs.

I’m not sharing my thoughts and feelings to convince you what I believe is true, because my beliefs are informed by the experiences I have. Therefore, my beliefs also change and that is the point of my sharings.

“When we resist change its called suffering, but when we can completely let go and not struggle against it, when we can embrace the groundlessness of our situation and relax into its dynamic quality, that is called enlightenment.” (Pema Chodron).

Having already experienced the tensions between my inner masculine & feminine, and the conflicts that arise from my shadow (which is the suppressed parts of myself). I’m learning the importance of integrating our dualities.

“Wholeness isn’t achieved by cutting off a portion of ones being,
but by integration of the contraries.” (Carl Jung).

I’m learning how to navigate my inner world with a little more insight. So, I notice how often my conditioned mind, distorted thought patterns, coping strategies, defense mechanisms and habitual behaviours limit me. Although I’ve experienced a spiritual awakening, I noticed how my struggle with conflicting truths intensified after the death of our beloved Father and the unexpected death of a beloved soul sister … and I wondered WHY ?

Apparently, there are (7) stages of spiritual awakening.

1. Unhappiness and emptiness
2. Perception shifts
3. Seeking answers and meaning
4. Finding answers and experiencing breakthroughs
5. Disillusionment and feeling lost
6. Deeper inner work
7. Integration, expansion and JOY

I recognize that after Mams death, I was moving through stages (3) and (4). After Dads death, I was stuck in stage (5), which is WHY I came to Chenrezig to do the deeper inner work. Whether I believe I am a spiritual BEing having a human experience (or) a human BEing having a spiritual experience, I wasn’t feeling a wholeness in my BEing. I was experiencing myself as two separate parts, which created tension that was restricting my energy flow. Although my higher self has awoken to deeper truths, my habitual humanness still struggles to let go of dysfunctional thought patterns, unhealthy behavioural cycles and limited beliefs … and I wondered WHY ?

Before coming to Chenrezig I acknowledged, that although it was only a small step in the right direction, it somehow felt like I was taking a giant leap into my Faith. I suppose it made sense, considering I also acknowledged the need for more spiritual support. I came to Chenrezig because I was struggling with myself: I wasn’t where I wanted to be, I wasn’t doing what I wanted to do, and I wasn’t sure how to get to where I wanted to go. Like many others, I came seeking refuge, but didn’t really understand what that meant to me. I just knew that the help I needed was yet to be found.

I reflected over my grief process and wondered WHY I felt stuck ?

Grief isn’t just the sadness we feel because of what we have lost, it also guides us through our own process of change. Grief isn’t just a mourning experience, its also a transition and a NEW beginning for us. Everyone’s grief process is unique, so this is a little insight into mine. I felt the pain of my heart breaking the moment I was told of Mams diagnosis, which propelled me into a state of grief before we actually lost her. My experience of anticipatory grief took me on a very lonely journey. Throughout the dying process and after her death, my heart kept breaking open to deeper truths about love. Although I began to connect with her spirit a few days before her death, I still experienced the tensions in my heart. Tensions that guided me to certain places and people in the UK, that were instrumental to my healing, but my experience has been different with Dad.

When Dad was first diagnosed, I felt the tension in my head because I had a mental response, instead of an emotional reaction. I was conflicted between going ahead with my plans to move to the UK (or) to put my plans on hold. Throughout the dying process and after his death, I continued to experience the tension in my head. Some people believe its because I haven’t been able to fully feel the pain of my loss, but I disagree. I still feel the waves of sadness in my heart, but I know it wasn’t my heart that needed to break open.

I knew the persistent tension in my head was a resistance in my mind, but I couldn’t see what it was and I didn’t know how to shift it. So, I booked in for a reike session for some additional energetic support. During that session I didn’t tell her why I was there because I prefer people to be guided by spirit. Being intuitive, she picked up on the tension in my head, mentioned the need to energize my solar plexus and was overwhelmed by the openness of my heart chakra. She said she had never seen one like it before because it was crystallized … and I knew why.

I’ve come to my own realizations, but I’m not ready to share my story in its entirety just yet. I’ve already shared my thoughts about family as a system. How I see the Mother as being the heart and the Father as being the head. So it makes perfect sense to me, that the loss of our beloved Mother broke my heart open to deeper truths about love, and the loss of our beloved Father is opening my mind to deeper truths about life. As crazy as it may sound to some, I believe more than ever that our loss and healing is a collective experience. A belief that continues to guide me on the spiritual path I’m called to walk, and the process I keep trusting, even when I don’t always understand it.

My mind is still too agitated to be at peace, but I have found the teachings I need to achieve it. Buddhist teachings are heavily rooted in psychology and philosophy, which is what sets it a part from religion. It encourages us to know the nature of our own mind, helping us to recognize how an agitated mind creates suffering, which can then manifest into dis-orders and dis-ease. It was so validating to hear the Monk say this during a teaching, because I’ve been saying it for years. Buddhism is more interested in our current state of BEing, than what our faith based beliefs are, which is what appeals most to me. According to the Buddhist, an enlightened mind is fully present in the moment. Able to see the truth of reality as it really is without grasping, avoiding or attaching. If we are willing to be completely honest with ourselves, we will notice how often we mindlessly drift though our days on auto pilot, grasping, avoiding and attaching.

In hindsight, I wish I had studied Buddhism much earlier in life. Maybe I would have cared for our parents end of life with less anxiety? Perhaps I would have processed my grief with less trauma? But what if I had to experience the struggles to better understand my own suffering? Maybe this is all part of the healing process? Perhaps the experience is teaching me the skills I will need on the path? Maybe its guiding me towards my destiny?

I’ve been living and working at Chenrezig for 2 months and am so very grateful for the experience. The community not only opened its arms and embraced me, but the people have offered love, compassion and kindness, as they supported me though some very challenging times. I’ve met so many beautiful souls with open hearts and minds, learned some valuable lessons in the most unexpected ways, experienced a new way of BEing, which has opened up the path to so many more possibilities. I feel myself coming into alignment, as I integrate my spirit and dance with life once again. So, as I prepare myself to leave in a few days, I take the next steps with a stronger sense of faith in the journey.

I’ve been reflecting over why I keep reliving the same difficult memories that trigger uncomfortable emotions. Wondering why I keep finding myself confronting the same thoughts and feelings over and over again? I know grief comes in ebbs and flows, but I wonder why are some waves rougher than others?

I recall a conversation I had with a young man, who had been a little quieter than usual for a few days. While we were talking he shared the reason why he hadn’t been his usual self. It had been the anniversary of his Mum and Grandmothers death. He said “my soul was sleeping.”

His words stayed with me because they felt significant.

While chopping vegetables in the kitchen a few days later, my mind kept drifting away in reflection. To be honest I didn’t really want to be there because I felt tired and drained, from all the mental processing and emotional releasing the day before. Yet my mind was STILL active, as I thought about the images and memories that had overwhelmed me so much.

My greatest struggle is an inner conflict between two parts of myself …

BEing a human who experiences suffering
And a spiritual BEing who IS the love and light

How the fuck do I align these parts of myself ?

Which is WHY I’m here, in a Buddhist retreat seeking refuge.

Its not easy to BE fully present during the tragedies of loss, which is why some of us then struggle with the process of grief. My experience of PTSD keeps inviting me to relive the trauma because there’s a need to complete the process. To acknowledge how I really thought about the situation, allowing the emotions to rise and fall without suppressing them, until the energy eventually shifts.

Only then, will I be able to experience the RELEASE

I’ve already done this again and again and again, which is why I get so frustrated when things resurface. I know I’m a little harder on myself because I’ve studied and worked with grief and loss for 20 years. I understand that grief isn’t a process that begins when we loose our loved ones. The anticipation of our loss began the day Dad was diagnosed with incurable cancer (October 2016), so part of me is OVER IT already because I’ve been processing grief for over 3 years.

“When you’re ready to quit, you’re closer than you think”

My struggle the other day had been triggered by Granda’s anniversary and some conversations. It was the images of loved ones on death beds and in coffins that triggered my memories, which then brought rise to the wave of emotions. Its never easy to look upon unpleasant images, relive painful memories and feel uncomfortable emotions, even in reflection.

Its difficult to remain fully PRESENT with those experiences.

I wondered …

Why do we struggle to BE fully present in the moments?
Why do we not share what we truly think?
Why do we suppress our emotions?
Why do we shut ourselves off from an experience?
Why do we over react in other situations?

I acknowledge …

Some experiences automatically trigger out defense and coping mechanisms, which prevents us from being fully present in the moments. As I reflected over the images that trigger those reactions in me. I realize how part of my BEing was absent during those times. The times I had to think like a nurse and not feel like a daughter, which suppressed the full flow of my emotions. The times I wanted to break down, but had to keep going. The times when life felt surreal, as if I was having an out of body experience.

Sometimes our mind shuts down
Sometimes our heart closes
Sometimes our soul sleeps

I wondered …

Are the memories inviting me to BE fully present with them? To bring my mind, body and spirit in alignment, to experience the trauma as a whole BEing? 

Hmmmmmmm (she ponders)

Did you notice the flow of my writing in the previous blog ?

How I began writing about Granda, but then my thoughts wandered towards my need for intimacy, which is a great example of how we struggle to remain present with our pain. So, I reflected over my cravings yesterday …

My craving for intimacy was my need to be seen
My craving to be held was my need to feel comforted
My craving to fuck was my need to relieve tension
My craving to drink whiskey was my need to dull the mental anguish
My craving for chocolate was my need for feel good endorphins

Hmmmmmmm (she ponders)

Suffering is the experience of mental, physical or emotional pain, which none of us can prevent from happening because of the impermanence of life. We not only suffer the consequence of some of our own choices, but witnessing the pain and suffering of others can and does trigger our own suppressed pain. The root cause of our suffering is the struggle to rid ourselves of the discomfort, which we have been conditioned to do. By either suppressing our pain, putting our struggles into “perspective” by comparing them to others worse off, or seeking to satisfy our desires. All of which only creates perpetual cravings.

For example: a drug addict isn’t addicted to the drug, they use the drug to manage the pain and reduce their experience of suffering. But we don’t have to be a drug addict to engage in unhealthy behaviours that use substance to manage pain.

These are the cycles we need to break and the habits we need to change, if we want to change our relationship with grief and loss.

Today has been an illuminating kinda day …

Its no coincidence that the last 3 days have challenged me, which has been on the lead up to this months FULL MOON in Lilith, that meets Venus and Chiron. I have a strong connection with Lilith energy, that often conflicts with my inner Aphrodite. Chiron is known in astrology as “the Wounded Healer,”effecting all aspects of wellness (our physical health, mental health, emotions, spirituality).”

After my revelations I walked back to the vollie house in the rain. I found myself a nice soft spot on the grass to meditate, and sat in the rain for a while. As the rain fell upon me, I felt cleansed and renewed.

Don’t forget to put out your crystals 🌖🌕🌔

I woke early this morning, after a restless nights sleep. Granda was on my mind because its his birthday today (7th Feb). We were fortunate to grow up with all of our Grandparents and I loved them all equally, but I had a special bond with my Granda. Sadly, he was diagnosed with liver cancer and died the day before his birthday (6th Feb) in the year 2000. Although its been 20 years since he died, it triggered memories I didn’t want to see. So, I got dressed and headed out. As I walked up the hill, I stopped to take a photo of the water cascading down the hill over the rocks. I thought about how much I wanted to share the beauty with my Mam, knowing how much she would appreciate it, which triggered other memories. I didn’t want to look back, but it felt like the past was walking right behind me and I was struggling to stay ahead of it.

My body may have been sitting in the Big Love Cafe, but I was back in the UK, reliving the moments. I recalled seeing Granda’s birthday cards, that my Aunt and Uncle had brought back from the hospital. There were splodges on the card I had sent him and I wondered if they were his tears. An image that still breaks my heart to think about. Although my parents and I went back to the UK, we never got the opportunity to say goodbye because he died a few days before we arrived. I wanted so badly to see his smiling face and hug him one more time, but instead I seen his lifeless corpse in a coffin.

And that’s when I began to unravel …

Visions of Mam, Dad and Christie on their death beds. Memories of our parents final weeks, days, hours and moments. There was no escaping the past because it was right there swimming around in my mind, as if I was watching it on a TV screen. I tried to fight back the tears, but the fluid just oozed from my nose instead. The only place I could find privacy was in the toilet, so I shut myself in and silently cried as the images relentlessly persisted. There was too much going on in my head and heart to be able to put on a mask and go on shift. So, I returned to the Cafe with blood shot eyes, to tell the cook that I couldn’t be there today. The look of genuine concern on his and my fellow vollies faces told me that I must have looked as bad as I was feeling.

I decided to go to the Garden of Enlightenment because it was raining and knew it would be quiet. When I got there I took off my soggy shoes and socks because I needed to feel grounded and tried to meditate, but felt too tired to focus my mind. So, I picked up the phone and called my sister. I tried to tell her how I was feeling, but I couldn’t get the words out because I was choking on my tears, so I hung up.

I recalled my conversation with the Nun yesterday, who commented again about the complexity of my grief and I was cranky. Why the fuck does she keep reminding me how fucking traumatic it was? Why the fuck does she want me to remember how fucking hard it was? She keeps talking about getting under my words and I know she means the pain I’m still sitting on. Well, here it is. The images I keep trying so hard to push out of my mind keep returning to be seen. I know its because emotions are still attached to them, but I’ve already felt these feelings before. So why do they keep coming back to be felt? Will I ever be able to watch the story unfold and not feel the sorrow? Am I gonna be haunted by these memories forever? How can I heal from something that keeps replaying in my mind? Who the fuck holds the remote control to my thoughts?

When the flow of thought and emotion finally calmed, I called my sister back and we talked for over an hour. While we were talking I noticed the face of a whale in the tree in front of me. His kind eyes and gentle smile was comforting.

“Whales are associated with compassion and solitude. Knowledge of both life and death. When the whale enters your life, it may be time to closely examine where you are, the actions and emotions that have brought you to this point, and what you can do to alleviate existing drama and unrest and find peace.”

Well, that’s part of the reason why I’m here !!!

After our conversation I wandered back to the vollie house, which was busy. So, I had a long hot shower, then locked myself in the bedroom. I cried and slept most of the day because I wanted to feel the closeness of another human being. I wanted to be held and touched, but I was alone.

Why do I keep finding myself alone in these moments of vulnerability?
Why don’t I have someone to hold me and tell me everything will be OK?

When I finally had the house to myself, I opened up the door to let some fresh air in, lit the incense, put on some shamanic music and picked up my drum. I wanted to rip off my clothes, stand out in the rain and howl at the heavens, as I felt a primal rush of energy flowing through me. Although I crave the tenderness of love, I wanted to fuck and be fucked. Urges I haven’t and cant fully satisfy, so they continue to be suppressed. I’m abstaining from many things, mindful masturbation included, which is having an impact on me. On days like today the path to so called “enlightenment” is a fucking struggle.

I woke thinking about CHOICES this morning …

Our lives are made up of an accumulation of choices and consequences, that create the experiences we have. If we aren’t happy with our lives, then all we need to do is make a different choice, but sometimes we get stuck in an unpleasant experience because of the way we think about it. We feel powerless to change our circumstances and begin to suffer the consequences of our choices, which is an experience in itself.

EVERY experience is an opportunity to learn and grow from …

We make choices every day and in every moment. Many of those choices become habitual. We decide when to wake up, what to wear, what to do, where to go, who to spend our time with and how to live our lives. These choices are subtler, but they can and DO have a huge impact upon our life experiences. Other choices are the kinda life changing choices that have the ability to totally alter our experiences. Every choice has its own set of consequences and some can be difficult lessons to learn, but if our lives are an accumulation of choices and consequences, then we can begin to experiment with our life choices.

As I reflect upon my life, I begin to have a deeper sense of appreciation for my struggles. Because without my struggles, I wouldn’t have learned any of the lessons I have learned. My struggles have often reflected a resistance to change, which has been connected to an inner conflict. I notice the struggle when Im rejecting a different reality thats trying to manifest itself, which can create suffering if I keep resisting the change.

I suppose thats why I woke thinking about CHOICES.

I recall a conversation I had with Mam while walking on the beach. She was concerned about a choice I was making in love because she was worried about the consequences of those choices. Although LOVE motivated both of our choices, we were both becoming a little agitated with one another, which happened a lot with us. Mam wanted to protect me from “mistakes” which she understood as being “bad choices” but I believed my heart was guiding me towards the experiences I needed to have. Mam didn’t want me to suffer the consequences of my choices, but I believed if I didn’t follow my heart, then I wasn’t living my truth. We talked about our need to protect our children from hurt and how that can impact upon their growth. As Mothers, we think its our duty and responsibility to guide our children (whatever age they are) into the direction we “think” is best for them, but I challenged that belief because I understand the need to protect is attached to our need to reduce our own suffering. Because when our kids are happy, then we are … right?

Many of my inner conflicts have been attached to the challenges I’ve had with my family. As a child I constantly challenged those I loved with my curiosity and open nature, and I’ve never grown out of it. If anything, my struggles have deepened my curiosities and made me even more open. Granted, not everyone appreciates or celebrates that, but it’s my curious nature that motivates me to explore and live life to the fullest, and it’s my openness to experience that attracts the many gifts and blessings I receive.

When my choices are guided by my curiosity and openness to NEW experiences, I begin to experience the magic, but to have these experiences I have to be willing to let go of the OLD. To release myself from the limitations of my mind and the struggles that create my suffering. Each choice generates a different set of consequences and manifests a different experience. If we are mindfully aware, we will soon come to realize and learn to appreciate, that our choices will generally reflect the lesson life is teaching us.

I made the choice to come here, to work and live in the Buddhist Retreat because it was time to take a step back into life, but I wasn’t sure which direction to go in. After loosing our parents, I felt lost and alone in life because they were always my safe place to fall during the major transitions in my life. Although friends offered sanctuary and support, I needed to have a sense of SELF, but aspects of who I was died when I lost my parents.

If I no longer have a Mother and Father, then am I no longer a Daughter?

I’ve often described the death of our parents as being an Apocalyptic experience, because when Mam was dying the ground beneath me shattered, and when Dad was dying the sky fell down upon me. The whole experience has been an unveiling of lessons and truths, which could only occur when my world fell apart. In truth, it was my fixed identify that was crumbling, which is cause for celebration, but first I had to grieve the loss of who I once was. Like ALL transitions and transformations we only suffer if we resist the change that is naturally occurring. Truth is, NOTHING stays the same and EVERYTHING changes moment to moment. To flow with life is to accept this truth and allow ourselves to BE fully present in those moments, however uncomfortable.

Like a tree, our seeds of intentions are nourished and nurtured by our thoughts.

Although conditions may hinder its growth, the nature of an acorn is to become the mighty oak it was intended to BE. So, as a conscious BEing we have the ability to make conscious choices instead of allowing our habitual thoughts take control.

I love and appreciate the warmth of the sun,

but after hot n humid days, its wonderful to feel the cool n crisp air.

I’ve been watching the rain falling all afternoon.

There was no sun setting at dusk.

Instead the clouds hovered above the trees and the fog drifted in,

The cicadas played their noisy tune and the frogs joined in the chorus.

I love how the forest comes alive when it rains.

The trees look, sound, smell and feel different.

I sense their enjoyment as the water falls upon their leaves,

and down their trunks.

I can hear their contented sighs as the water quenches their thirst.

I feel grounded,

Connected to Nature, to Universe and to Source energy.

As I inhale the Earths scent, I feel nothing but love filling up my lungs.

My thoughts begin to flow …

Im thinking about where I am and where Ive been

About all the wonderful places Ive seen and stayed.

A realization …

We dont need to own something to be able to experience and enjoy it.

Im thinking about the experiences Ive had and am having.

A realization …

The journey is full of so many important lessons.

I have nothing, yet I have everything I need-

A realization …

Sometimes taking a giant leap of faith.

only requires us to take a small step in the right direction.

My heart feels a strong sense of gratitude.

For the path Im walking and the life Im living.

I feel a sense of freedom I haven’t felt before.

A realization that Ive finally broken FREE from a materialistic world.

Experiencing life without the pressure and stress of money

And everything is OK 

Im having a completely NEW experience with people I’ve never met before,

yet I feel safe, secure and supported.

My mind feels clearer and my spirit feels lighter.

Every day I get a little more enthusiastic about the day ahead of me,

and I feel my passion for life returning with even more fire.

I feel liberated from my doubts and fears.

Excited about the adventures that await me.

Whatever they may be.

There is NO settling for me,

because I wasn’t created to live inside the zones of comfort.

Im made from star dust, wishes and magical things.

A BEing of love and light here to create a life that feels good on the inside.

And thats the kinda magic Im here to share with YOU 🌟

Nature is constantly communicating with us, but we can often miss the messages. Although Im open to spirit and pay attention, I usually need 3 up close and personal interactions before I can fully appreciate it as being a message from spirit. Instead of seeing this as being a “slow to learn” thing, I understand that my relationship with Self, Nature, Spirit and Universe is a process that continues to improve, grow and strengthen with the effort I put into it.

The more receptive I am, the more fluid those communications will BEome.

I’ve been here since the 12th, but the horsefly didn’t fly into my awareness until the 27th, which was the day I had my first 1:1 with the Nun (its also the day of my birth). It had been persistently annoying me all day, which was agitating me because its a NO KILL zone here. The last thing I wanted to do was swat the bugger, but I also didn’t want to be bitten because they give a nasty sting. At one point she landed on the Nun, who patiently blew her away and she flew out of the window. I, on the other hand was trying my best to patiently swipe her away, but the more she persisted, the less patient I was becoming.

There was no interaction with the horsefly on the 28th because it was my rostered day off and I stayed indoors, having a pajama day. The 29th was yesterday and it was an odd kinda day. I was still feeling out of sorts, so I decided to go along to the morning Dharma Practice. I’ve been to a few of the evening sessions, but had yet to experience the morning one. There were 5 Nuns, but it was a Monk who led the morning session. As I listened and read the words they were chanting, I was overwhelmed with feelings of compassion that brought me to tears. I thought to myself, how wonderful that these people gather together with such devotion and loving intentions for the well-BEing of others.

As I looked around, my eyes were drawn to the Chenrezig statue directly ahead of me, that symbolizes compassion. She holds a turquoise jewel inbetween her hands, that are positioned infront of her heart. It captured my attention because the gem was glowing from the light bouncing from it. The Monk began to talk about how our suffering is connected to karma from our past lives. How our suffering allows us to purify karma and have a better rebirth. I began to have flashbacks of the suffering I had seen and began to feel upset. As memories flowed, so did the tears and I had to leave the session.

I couldn’t escape the images in my mind or the emotions that accompanied them.

Memories that were linked to conversations, concerns and conflicts I had with my Mam about her experiences of pain were surfacing to be seen, that triggered other memories. The suffering we witnessed Mam and Dad endure, and how it impacted upon my sisters and I. Recognition of the struggles, as my family, friends and I heal from our losses.

I was rejecting what the Monk was saying because I refused to believe that good people needed to suffer so much. The thought of it was hurting my heart and I couldn’t stop the tears. I wanted to scream and shout NO, you’re wrong !!!

My shift started in 10 minutes, so I locked myself in the toilet and cried. The last thing I wanted to do was go to work, but the cafe was closed and I was rostered on for a deep clean shift. So, I looked at it as a “cleansing” opportunity. I didn’t wait for instruction and decided I needed to focus on cleaning the main dining area, where people gather. I began with the windows because it was symbolic of allowing more light IN, then I swept and mopped the floors. Making a point of moving things aside and pulling things out, to reach any dirt hiding in dark corners. One of the vollies commented on how much work I was doing compared to others, so I explained how it was my need to cleanse today.

During the shift I was invited to a yoga session, so I went along after my shift. I struggled with some of the poses because my body isn’t very flexible, especially in my hip area. Although I struggled, it felt good to focus on breath and move my body into postures that facilitate connection and energy flow.

On the walk home the horsefly flew into my awareness again. I was walking back to the house trying to arrange a call with someone. She kept attacking my head in a manic frenzy, coming so close that it felt like she was gonna buzz right on into my ears. I tried to calmly swipe her away and asked her not to attack or bite me, but she persisted. I would usually wait for her to land, then swat her before she bit, but I didn’t want to kill her. So I ran up the path waving my hands and bag around like a mad woman trying to escape the voices in her head.

I knew she came with a message, but what was it?

This morning, I was sitting on the front deck getting ready to write in my journal, when she flew back into my awareness with the same aggressive persistence. One of the vollies heard me talking to her and was watching me getting annoyed. I was forced to come back inside, so she prompted me to look up the symbolism of a horsefly, so I did …

“Horse Fly teaches lesson of development in all areas. It’s the journey not the destinations that are important here. She helps ground oneself in nature by helping contemplate the earth, ground and mud will help. There is balance of emotions and the spiritual along with physical and mental. She demonstrates properties of spiritual healing and enlightenment with knowledge. She shows how to see with an earthly purity. She guides to opening up energy within the body to allow emotional – physical healing to take place. Meditating on the colors green and gold will aid in the connection to Horse Fly’s messages. She teaches balance in truthfulness, which may sting and bite but they are truths nonetheless. Horse Flies can show how a group of 1 or 2 will aid in your journey. She shows attraction to shiny objects, emphasis on metallics and gems will help connect with her medicine. Horse Fly will demonstrate adaptability while layers of the self are uncovered for much new and exciting potential. She shows change is coming.”

Other links talk about how the fly is a persistent presence that symbolizes a need to stay focused on our goals, regardless of how it may annoy others or seem selfish. Others mention about holding ourselves back from achieving our goals.

OK, I “think” I understand the message …

The horsefly showed up the day I met the nun (27^th), then while trying to talk to someone (29^th) and today when I began to write (30^th). The significance of the number 27 and the 3 interactions suggests spiritual significance. I already acknowledge that its the journey that matters most and that change is coming, but what am I missing? Why is the horsefly being so aggressive and persistent? What does she come to teach me? Is it patience and compassion? Is it to feel gratitude for ALL of my experiences, even being tormented? Is the message connected to those 2 people? Will they help or hinder me on my journey? Am I still holding myself back in some way?

Lets hope that spirit is satisfied I’ve received the message because I really dont fancy being bitten or stung by the horsefly.

I’ve stepped into my 3^rd week working at the Buddhist retreat, so I’m reflecting over some of the experiences I’ve had this week …

As the new becomes more familiar the nerves lift, and I begin to relax into my new roles and routines. There’s so much to love about BEing here, but sometimes it’s hard to put my days into words because it’s an experience that’s difficult to define. So, my words feel somewhat inadequate to describe what’s occurring, which is why I’ve been sharing more photos than words I suppose.

Yesterday I was rostered on in housekeeping, so we were cleaning one of the monks homes. Its up the back of the property, so its a bit of a hike up there, but well worth it for the view. When we arrived, there were several large cockatoos on his bird feeder and in the tree in-front of the house, which was wonderful to witness. He offered us a blessing, which was 3 seeds to swallow that had been blessed by the Dali Lama. Although Im not a religious person, I definitely have an appreciation for divine energy, so I digested them with immense gratitude.

Today is my rostered day off, which is welcomed after 4 early mornings and busy days. Its 10am and I’m still in my PJs with no intentions of getting dressed soon. The nag champa incense is burning, a relaxing melody is playing, it’s raining outside and I’m still reflecting over a conversation I had with a nun yesterday. I requested a meeting with someone who could help me with grief and loss, so we met in the Café after my shift. It was interesting that she chose to sit where I had captured the orbs a few days previously.

I didn’t seek counselling when our parents were diagnosed or when they died. I’m so familiar with the “theory and practice” of grief and loss, so I trusted my own insights and felt supported by my family and friends, but now I seek spiritual support, which is why I’m here having the conversations I need to have.

I shared my story and struggles with the nun and she confirmed what I myself know. That it expands beyond the grief and loss process because of the multiple sudden losses and how it all unfolded and impacted upon me. That I’m dealing with PTSD because of the trauma and unresolved inner conflicts involved in those experiences, which is why I was struggling with my work.

Recognizing how I innately express myself through words, she said, “I wonder how long it will take us to get under the words?“ which triggered my defenses because it felt like she was suggesting I wasn’t “feeling” my way through this experience, which I openly expressed to her.  She explained how I have sat on somethings which is why those things have been surfacing, which is true. Although I did process and feel my way as best I could, there were times we had to prioritize the practical aspects of Mam and Dads end of life care or focus our attention on aspects of our own lives. That the conflicts in my head are connected to being stuck in the complex grief process and unresolved inner conflicts. She suggested an exercise to help me express and explore the intuitive side of my brain. To think about those I have lost and draw a picture, first with my right hand and then with my left hand. To gain a less intellectual understanding and help me explore those things I may be still be sitting on, which could help me to get underneath the words.

I wasn’t in the right mindset to do it last night because my mind was far too agitated and I wasn’t in the mood for meditation. I’m not sure what I had expected to hear, but I suppose I wanted to hear something that would unstick me. Instead, she validated and confirmed the process and offered to help me get under the words, if I was ready to go there. She gave me almost 3 hours of her time yesterday, which I was ever so grateful for and she will check in on me on Sunday to arrange another catch up. We spoke about lots of other things and I asked a few questions about her own journey, which she shared.

After our conversation I asked if I could hug her because I wanted to express my love and gratitude. Then I called my sister because I needed to talk to someone close to me, but I didn’t really say what was in my heart because it was hurting too much. Truth is, all of us are struggling with loosing Mam and Dad because we all have such a strong connection with them. We were their world and they were such a huge part of ours. I notice how my biggest triggers are around Mam, so my tears are mostly for the loss of her. I still don’t feel like I’ve fully grieved for her yet, which is why I’m struggling to fully process and feel the loss of Dad and Christie, but I’m feeling the weight of those losses too. The inner conflicts are preventing me from experiencing inner peace, which creates an agitated mind. The agitations are caused by traumatic memories, conversations we didn’t have, a future we were robbed of and unresolved inner conflicts.

Sometimes it feels like a cycle I cannot escape …

I came back to the house and fell asleep but woke a few hours later in tears and couldn’t stop them from flowing. So, I got up, made a cup of tea and started reading a book I was given. It’s another introduction to Buddhism book. “An explanation of the Buddhist way of life,” which is a little easier to read, digest and understand than the other I just read.

I still feel emotional this morning and I’m so very tired, so I’m glad its my rostered day off. I plan on meditating and doing the left- and right-hand drawing, but as a writer, I needed to write down my thoughts about the changes occuring. There are the obvious external changes that others are seeing because I’m settling in, eating healthier, sleeping better and being more active, but there are those subtler shifts occurring within me that are less obvious to others. These are the changes I find difficult to put into words right now because although they are subtle, they are having a big impact.

Although I’m still struggling with an agitated mind, I feel a renewed sense of enthusiasm about what I’m doing and the direction I’m heading, which is a welcomed shift within myself. I suppose it helps knowing I’m where I need to BE, doing what I need to DO and I’m surrounded by those who practice and teach the skills I need to achieve peace of mind.

I’m not here to devote myself to the Buddhist faith because I’m far too heathen by nature. As a wild woman, I seek the freedom to explore various experiences, so I don’t align with any one faith-based belief. I don’t want or need to confine myself to a certain set of beliefs, but I DO seek liberation from mental suffering, which is why I am here. I’m still wrapping my head around the teachings and practices, but the more I read the better I understand my own journey.

According to Buddhist faith “SAMSARA is a conditioned, illusory and cyclic existence. It is characterized by deep-rooted ignorance, which manifests as seeing the world as a plurality of sensory objects that are separate from oneself. NIRVANA is attained when dualistic thinking is transcended, and the mind is freed from all karmic conditioning.” Samsara is an agitated mind that creates our suffering. The Buddhist trains in higher wisdom, concentration and moral discipline, which is motivated by something they call “renunciation.” This is a state of mind that looks in 2 directions. Towards suffering (birth, ageing, sickness, death) and its causes and towards LIBERATION. We are either seeking liberation from our own suffering, or it expands beyond our sense of self. Seeking to rid others from the suffering of samsara.

I’m not afraid to dive into my own sense of suffering to FEEL and better understand it, but its my strong sense of compassion for the suffering of others that continues to motivate me to seek deeper understandings. I still feel called to serve the Greater Good, which is why I feel a stronger sense of the collective. I know my experiences are changing because my direction is.

Trust the process and embrace the journey ❤️

I’m reflecting over my first week in Chenrezig …

Although I’m journaling every day, I’m only sharing random blogs because I’m being more mindful of my time and going online less often. I’m here to find inner peace (peace of mind specifically), but Im here as part of the work exchange program. So, its not the same as being on retreat. We work 5 days a week for 6.5 hours on a rotation of kitchen prep shifts, housekeeping shifts, supper shifts and breakfast shifts. So, they are busy days and theres a lot of new routines and roles to learn, which can become overwhelming. But everyone has been welcoming, friendly, kind and supportive, which helps with the settling in process.

My first shift didn’t start off the best because they didn’t have my larger than large size work top. I tried on one of the “large” sizes, thinking maybe with the right kinda pants it wouldn’t be so bad, but I was wrong. I wandered out to show one of the vollies “how not to wear a work top,” and the look on her face was priceless. On the smaller size ladies they are a lovely fit, but they weren’t accommodating for my broad shoulders and big bust. It looked more like a crop top on me, so I was a vision to behold. It was kinda funny, but I must admit, at the time I struggled to find the funny side. I rummaged a while and was relieved to find a 2XL on the rack, but even that was a narrow cut, snug fit and the fabric was heavy, so I felt even hotter and uncomfortable. BUT I focused on the positive, there was “a” top that fit me, even if it was uncomfortable as fuck (note to self: STOP swearing) and I focused on the shift, which was busy but everyone works great as a team and I had fun, even though it was humid and I sweated buckets. But I figured, with all this exercise and healthy eating then its only gonna get better, right? WRONG … well, not before it got worse anyways.

I came onto the 2^nd shift to find no 2XL top on the rack, so I was forced to approach the cook and tell him why I was wearing my own shirt. I didn’t make a fuss and he was totally cool with it, but I was embarrassed and a little annoyed to be confronted with the situation. And deeper within the hidden parts of myself, I was dealing with feelings of shame. Before going on shift, I felt so out of sorts that I hid in the toilet cubicle and cried.

I observed the inner dialogue …

“Why arent you embracing your Goddessly goodness?

“Geeeeeezus, pull yourself together woman!!”

“If I can’t fit into any of the tops, then it means I don’t fit in here either”

“My body is too big and I’m ashamed to be the size I am”

“I feel so fat and ugly”

“I don’t want to look or feel this way”

Hmmmmm, I wonder, why do we bully ourselves in this way?

Not the kinda self-talk that reflects the Goddess I claim and strive to BE that’s for sure, but it did cut through the bullshit and got to the heart of how I was truly feeling about my body, which only made me feel worse, because I really DO want to love the skin I’m in. But, instead of getting swallowed up by my own self-pity, I approached the supervisor and explained my dilemma, who was more than cool with me buying my own shirts. So, after a few SOS text messages, my daughter picked me up after my shift. Took me to the shops to pick up some work shirts, and I’ve felt much more comfortable on shift since. (Thanks Jods, I love you).

I did learn something from the experience though …

Claiming to embrace all shapes and sizes means nothing if we don’t cater for them ALL. So, I’m gonna leave my “bigger” tops here when I leave, so the next larger than large person can feel like they fit and belong here too.

Around mid-week the real struggles began, which I wasn’t all that impressed about, nor was I expecting. I mean, Im here to find inner peace, so I wasn’t expecting to feel MORE struggles. Challenges YES, but not struggles. But, I of all people should have known better because inner peace isn’t gonna just happen because Im in a peaceful place. No, this is the place I need to be because it will help to bring the inner conflicts to the surface, so I can release them. Then and only then will I find peace of mind.

Anyhoo, as the rain continued to fall, the humidity began to rise, and I became more and more agitated in my skin. Although the rain is a welcomed relief and very much needed everywhere in Australia, my body struggles to work in humidity. I work up a mighty sweat before I even begin a shift because it’s a 10 to 15 minute walk up a hill and steps. Then I get all hot and sweaty when Im working in the heat and humidity, and feel self-conscious when I get called out the front to serve customers. And let’s face it, there’s nothing appealing about someone sweating all over your ginger cake, or dripping sweat into your lentil curry. Fortunately, I have a sense of humour and am open about my struggles, so I switch the fans on to help lower my body temp and ask a colleague to help me out on the front desk, if I’m feeling like a hot sweaty anxious mess.

The Buddhist faith encourages us to be honest about where we are NOW, which is what I like. I already do my best to own where I am with a little more honesty and a little less shame, but its wonderful to be in a living and working environment that supports and encourages it. Truth is, I’m out of my comfort zone here because everything around me is NEW. I’ve never lived in a communal setting like this before, I’ve never eaten a full vegetarian diet before and its been 30 years since I’ve worked in hospitality. Although all this newness excites, inspires and motivates me, it also makes me feel a little nervous and anxious.

The main struggle I have isn’t with what Im doing though, its with myself because sometimes (not all the time) I don’t like how I look, feel or think, which is largely motivated by my greatest struggle of all, which is grief. Traumatic experiences and conflicting stories that continue to replay in my mind, triggering a sense of loss, preventing me from living the life I want to live and love. I have no desire to deny this truth because it is mine, but I am taking the necessary steps to change it. Because I believe grief is a process, but we can and DO get stuck when things keep triggering old stories, that keep replaying in our minds. This is the cycle I want to break because I dont want to suffer from grief, I want to learn and grow from it.

The first week was mostly filled with work and the rest of the weeks will be too, but fortunately Im enjoying the work and meeting plenty of interesting people with interesting stories. When I asked one of the young lads where he was from the other day, and he said “the stars” I smiled because I love it when I cross paths with souls from other planets. The more I chat and get to know my fellow vollies, the more I realize how I’m not alone with my struggles and challenges. We are all realizing how similar we are, regardless of our individual differences. I really do love the process of getting to know new people and how it creates a deeper sense of connection between us.

So, what am I learning in these first few weeks?

I’m learning how to DO some things I haven’t done before and relearning other things I did many moons ago. Im going along to a barrister course tomorrow, to learn how to make coffee, which Im really looking forward to, but I have those niggly nerves too. I really do enjoy learning new skills though and I love working with people. So, the more confident I get within the new roles and new routines, the more Im gonna enjoy being out front in amongst the customers. I just need to be a little more patient with myself, as I adjust to the new roles and routines and find my own natural flow and rhythms. Im also learning how to BE more present and even more honest in my interactions. The more aware I am of my struggles and conflicts, the more openly Im talking about them and the less they control my BEing, which then allows for more inner peace.

Inbetween shifts I’m going along to whatever I can fit into my day. There’s a daily Dharma practice up in the Gompa twice a day, but I’ve only managed to go along to one so far. To be honest, Id rather dance naked under the moon and hug a tree than sit in a place of worship, but I’m here to learn more about the Buddhist faith, so I’m open to experiences. Then I went along to a meditation before a shift, but found it agitated me more than centered me. The first stage was a focus on breath technique, which I liked, but then he proceeded to do a teaching. I was intrigued by my reaction because it felt like he was penetrating my consciousness, which I didn’t really like. I was mindful of the psychology behind it, so it triggered me. I suppose that’s the purpose of the teachings, but whether its a priest preaching on his pulpit or a monk teaching on his mat, it triggers feelings of religious manipulations.

Maybe I’m being too defensive?

Perhaps I need to keep my mind more open?

Maybe I’m just a little more aware of the process?

Anyhoo, I am looking forward to having more 1:1 conversations with the monks and nuns. As I recall the first chat I had with a nun, I smile to myself. I arrived early to the Dharma practice, so she invited me in to have a look around. I asked why she was walking around the room, thinking it was part of a ritual. She lifted her gown from her hand to show me her iphone watch. She was trying to complete those darn circles that my sisters do. I couldn’t help but chuckle because it wasn’t what I had expected. Im looking forward to joining her at one of the mantra scrolling work shops she invited me along to.

After sharing part of my story and some of my struggles with the Work Exchange Coordinator over lunch the other day, she said if I ever wanted to talk to any of the monks and nuns, she could arrange it for me, so I said “YES please.” She suggested spending some time with one of the older nuns, who is around 80 yrs old because her teachings are around death and loss. “Yup, she’s the one for me.”

Although I’ve worked in Aged Care for 20 years and studied intensely to better understand grief and loss, my struggles with our parents end of life and their death reflect a need to expand beyond my limited spiritual practice, hence why I’m here I suppose. I also recognize a need to release myself from the old limited beliefs around grief and loss, which is also why I’m here. There are many reasons why I’m here to be honest, which is why I’m so grateful to be here.

Ive been waking early and I notice that Im more excited and enthusiastic about the days ahead. Although the days are humid and uncomfortable to work in, its a truly beautiful place to BE. And the scattered sun showers and afternoon thunder storms are divine. I literally feel the energy building within my body as the humidity increases, I sweat buckets and then I experience a wonderful release and cleansing, as the cool rain begins to fall from the sky. The other day a vollie and I stood barefoot in our togs and cleansed our mind, body and spirits under the stormy sky, surrounded by trees and felt the rain, which was lush. Those are the kinda moments and interactions my soul loves the most.

There are LOTS of bugs here and not all of them are overly friendly. The mozzies LOVE me, so they like to nibble on any exposed flesh they can find. They can drive me bonkers, but its a “no kill zone” here, so I do my best NOT to swat the annoying little buggers. Then theres the ants: Tiny ants, little ants, black ants, green ants, flying ants and the angry ants. I kinda like the feisty little angry ants because they’ve got attitude. They actually set themselves at you and I can hear Mams voice saying “put em up” in her silly voice, so it makes me chuckle. Mind you, apparently they give a nasty bite, so I have no plans on getting too close. So, I had a quiet little freak out when I noticed one crawling on my arm this morning, on my walk to work. I brushed him off and apologized for the fall and thanked my lucky stars he didnt take a bite of me.

This morning on my walk to work, the King Parrot came into my awareness, both the male and female, which made me think about my parents. A thought that triggered those painful feelings of loss, and I cried. Then I thought about the “gap” thats been left behind and how that makes me feel my loss all the more. Then I thought about how we often seek to fill that gap with something else. Then I wondered, what would happen if I just meditated on the gap and allowed myself to BE in the emptiness, which brought me back to something I had read this morning at breakfast …

“The transcendental knowing that perceives the nature of emptiness.”

There’s no TV or Wi-Fi in the house and I dont have a smart phone, so Im wandering up to the Big Love Cafe to upload my blogs. I don’t really watch TV, but I do watch Netflix and can (and do) get lost in a series, so I was wasting far too much of my time in the van watching a screen. So, Im grateful for the technological limitations (backward mobile phone included), because it encourages me to be more active in what Im here for.

I had the house to myself for most of the avo and evening yesterday, so I picked up one of the books on the shelf. “Entering the Stream: An introduction to The Buddha and his teachings.” The first chapter told the story of how Buddha became to BE. I noticed how the thoughts began to flow. Judgement about the story, but resonations with his journey: His struggle with disease and death. His call to leave his family and his home, becoming a homeless wanderer in search of truth. His call to walk the road less travelled, which is a spiritual path that seeks to release us from our sufferings. Although I resonate with the journey and align with the values, I know nothing of the Buddhist teachings.

So, I opened my mind and kept reading …

Buddha teaches “4 TRUTHS”

• Life is characterized by Duhkha, which is the state of suffering
• Craving and aversion is the cause of our suffering
• Suffering can cease because its cause can end
• The Eight-fold path of meditation

THE EIGHT FOLD PATH …

• Right understanding
• Right thought
• Right speech

• Right action
• Right livelihood
• Right effort

• Right mindfulness
• Right concentration

This path begins at the bottom because enlightenment isn’t attained by merely sitting under the shade of a tree in contemplation. Buddhist teachings are REALISTIC about where we are NOW. So, we must take the necessary steps to gain wisdom. “Those practicing Dharma are working towards the ultimate goal of liberation from all suffering” WOW !!! My motivation for coming here has been complex, but at the heart of it, is my need for a deeper sense of inner peace. As I read through the teachings, I get goosy bumps. Its a little clearer as to why I needed to BE here. I’m aware that the root cause of our suffering lies within our minds, but multiple losses triggered a struggle within me. Stronger cravings for what I liked and stronger aversions to what I disliked. Struggles that created chaos and conflict within my mind, that I couldn’t release myself from. I knew I needed spiritual support, so the Chenrezig made sense.

Here, I can still BE of service, while remaining true to myself. The work exchange program provides me with an opportunity to give back to the community, while learning skills that support my need for change. I’m provided with comfy accommodation and nourishing food. Im surrounded by like-minded people, a library thats full of knowledge and some of those who teach that knowledge live here. So I have all the support I need to attain my goal for inner peace. I don’t think these people are my tribe per say, but we do align with the same values that motivate our need to release suffering. I do seek mentor-ship, support and guidance, and I want to learn how to deepen my meditation.

So, this is the place to BE.

As I continued to read though the chapters in the book, I realized that my mind has been in conflict between conditioning and liberation. The OLD stories that limit us and the NEW story that serves to liberate us. Thats why I’ve been diving deeper into myself, to shine a light on my shadow. To unlock deeper truths from my mind. According to the Buddhists, “The mind spends most of its time lost in fantasy and illusions. Reliving pleasant and unpleasant events from the past and anticipating the future with eagerness and fear.” While lost in wanting and lacking, we become unaware of what’s happening now and lose touch with the reality of what IS.

“To release ourselves from suffering, we must be conscious of it and become better acquainted with it.” I acknowledge that my need to isolate myself to the van, was a need to explore my struggle with grief and get to the core of our suffering. I’ve never wanted to avoid my struggle because I know the root cause of suffering lies beneath it. “Diverting our attention from the cravings and aversions that cause suffering “deals” with it effectively at the conscious level, but suppresses the negativity and doesn’t get to the root cause of our problem.” The root cause of our suffering is our conditioned mind, which I understand as being our limited beliefs. When the roots of our conditioned mind are removed, then we are freed of the tension to seek (crave) or deny (aversion) and can finally live in PEACE. To remove the roots of our conditioning, we need to dive IN to the depths of our minds, to deal with where our suffering began. We must do the work and be willing to see things as they really are.

WOW !!!

This is the work I’ve actively been doing, but I went as far as I could alone. During the Full Moon eclipse, my inner conflicts created tensions that physically manifested in my head. I wonder, am I getting closer to the root cause of my suffering? Is peace within my grasp?

I believe there are many keys that unlock a variety of gates within our minds. My heart opened the first gate of consciousness because experiences of love and loss triggered a deeper sense of self, then it was the significance of (3). Now, I seek to focus my mind and develop the ability to consciously direct and control my mental processes. To expand beyond the observer and rise above my thoughts. “Experiencing directly the reality of oneself and working systematically to remove the conditioning that gives rise to suffering.”

Those practicing Dharma are working towards the ultimate goal of liberation from all suffering. To DO this I need to put effort into contemplation, by removing myself from the world (which is the mental state that agitates me) to master the art of meditation.

According to the Buddhists, meditation is how we focus our attention on breath, to keep us present in the moment. It teaches us how to allow the thoughts and feelings to rise and fall without attaching to them. To focus on sensation and become aware of the point where the process of reaction begins. To observe without liking or disliking, so it won’t develop into a craving or aversion. This is the PEACE of mind I seek, so I’m gonna keep reading and learn how to BE 😊