As Mothers I’m sure we’ve all asked ourselves this question at some stage, if not frequently. Therefore our self doubting can often become a habit. I’ve been parenting now for 20 years and I can honestly say that those doubts have not reduced because the more I learn, the more there is to learn … its like the NEVER ENDING story (gasp)

The part we play as Mothers may change over the years as the needs of our children change, but the unconditional love remains ALWAYS and FOREVER. Its the adjustments to those changing needs that are often our biggest challenge, especially as we confront our own personal challenges.

Over the years Motherhood has taken me on a wild and wonderful ride but DIVORCE and HORMONES (my teenagers and my own) have certainly been the wildest. And I’m not sure we can EVER really be fully prepared for those kinds of challenges, but its because of those challenges and conflicts that Motherhood now holds a much deeper meaning for me.

The choices I’ve made over the years have taught me valuable lessons, but those lessons often came at a cost. At times I have failed my children and many times I still feel like a failure. I’ve taken lots of guilt trips, played many a blame game and I continue to have doubts and uncertainties as a Mother ¿¿¿¿ … But I think THATS what makes us a good Mother, because our need to BE better motivates us to DO better.

There is NO right or wrong way of being a good Mother. We just love our children and do the very best we can, learning along the way. I open my mouth and my Mother often comes out, her words `I’m learning how to be a Mother just as you are learning how to be an adult`, are often spoken to my cubs as they grow and mature. I always appreciate that kind of honesty from my Mam and her wise words continue to support and guide me on my own journey as a Mother.

Having good support systems in place is ESSENTIAL no matter who we are or what we are doing, but the support and understanding of other Mothers benefits us all. So appreciate the experience and wisdom of your own Mother, seek out Sisterhood support and know that you are NEVER alone in your struggles.

Being a Mother to my 3 young adults has been and continues to be my biggest challenge but also my biggest joy in life. Teaching me so much about love, life and myself. Hindsight being a wonderful thing (wink) … but when we know better we hopefully DO better.

ENJOY the journey because Motherhood is the best ride of LOVE we will EVER decide to take !!

 

SELF LOVE … is a regard for your own well being and happiness. It influences the partner we choose, the relationships we have and how we cope with problems. Its a state of appreciation for ourselves and it grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth.

HOW can we learn to self love ?

BE MINDFUL … about your thoughts, feelings, wants, needs and expectations. The more self aware we are the more we can avoid those self harming behaviours that turn into bad habits.

ACT ON WHAT YOU NEED INSTEAD OF WHAT YOU WANT … love yourself enough to turn away from something that feels good but pulls you back. Love yourself enough to stay strong and centered to what moves you forward. The more self aware we are the more we can avoid automatic behavior patterns that keep us stuck in the past and impede self love.

PRACTICE SELF CARE … take better care of your own basic needs by nourishing yourself daily. Focusing on nutrition, exercise, sleep, intimacy and social interactions. The more self aware we are the better choices we make.

SET BOUNDARIES … know your limits and say NO to anything that may cause you physical, emotional or spiritual harm. Its not only OK to prioritize your own needs, its ESSENTIAL. The more self aware we are the more we avoid situations that bring us unnecessary conflict and discomfort.

PROTECT YOURSELF … rid yourself of ´frenemies´, those friends who take pleasure in your pain and loss rather than your happiness and success. The more self aware we are the better friendship choices we make.

FORGIVE YOURSELF …when we take personal responsibility for our actions we can often punish ourselves. But we must accept our humanness and understand that there are no failures when we learn and grow from our mistakes, and there are no mistakes when we realize that we are given choices to learn and grown from. The more self aware we are the more gentle we become with ourselves.

LIVE INTENTIONALLY … when our intention is to live a meaningful and healthy life then our decisions will support this intention. The more self aware we are the more we move through life with a sense of purpose.

Cultivate the habit of self love and become all you can be !!!

  

A few days on the internet dating playground and it soon became obvious that my game had changed …

After 7 months of celibacy and a broken heart, I thought I just needed to get back out there and have a good time. I thought I needed to satisfy my sexual desires to liberate myself as a woman, instead of feeling like a wounded animal. I thought to move on I needed to let go of the man I love and move forward with a man I want … NOTE TO SELF – Don’t believe everything you think !!!

I like to think of the brain as a complex computer system with its excitable neurons transmitting action potential through the cells of our body, not so different to the electricity that feeds our computers. During my heartbreak there was more feeling than thinking going on, so old programs wired into my brain´s hard drive automatically starting to run previous thoughts that drove and motivated my behavior in the past. However, those belief systems were now out dated, no longer serving me …

SO … time to reboot the system and update the new software.

My heart is much stronger than I had ever imagined because I now have the courage to sit in the depths of my hurting heart and privilege the experience as much as I do my joys. My ego is in no need of rubbing because I know my own worth, it was this knowing that motivated me to walk away from the man I love.

I’m no longer interested in engaging in meaningless superficial chat with men only interested in connecting for a quick fix or escape because my life has depth I no longer wish to escape. I have no interest in rubbing egos with anyone else because my heart now leads the way. I stand in my truth and acknowledge that although my body desires and craves the touch of a man, I want to share this experience with someone I truly connect with …

“A man who does not play games for he holds all others as equal to himself. A man who is open and honest in speaking his truth for he knows to hide his voice is to veil his purpose. A man who has no shame for the love in his heart for he knows to feel is sacred. A man who owns his mistakes and his past, but is not a prisoner to its chain.“

Does this man exist ?   …. not on a dating site (insert wink)

WELCOME … to the world of online dating. A place where the players play, the chasers chase, the lovers love, the cheaters cheat, the talkers talk and the watchers watch.

The internet has become a habit for most of us, so its no surprise that online dating has become so popular. Being someone who loves human behavior I find this world to be quite fascinating and I must admit that I do enjoy playing my part in it. But that’s what online dating has always been for me, a playground of sorts. Although I’m always open to love and I do seek genuine connections, its not a place I go looking for love. Its a place I’ve gone in the past to find myself and to identify what I like and don’t like in a man, a place to seek different experiences with people I would usually never had crossed paths with, a place for wonderful new adventures with like minded people, a place for fun and good times. So its no surprise that when I’m ready to be back in the game, that I find myself back on the playground (insert cheeky smile).

We live in a time of technology and so dating has become more like social networking. We browse the web to find the right site, we browse the profiles to find the right look, we browse the chats to find the right connection. But is it really any different to enjoying a night out at the pub ? … apart from being able to move through the process of elimination at lightening speed and disconnect from the jerks instead of being harassed by unwanted sexual advances all night … Oh yes, online dating does have its perks.

After a break up are we broken hearted or is our ego just bruised ?… because lets be brutally honest, when someone decides that you’re just not worth fighting for anymore, our ego feels it as much as our hearts do. So lets face it, multiple men seeking our attention does rub ones ego … So while we heal our broken hearts by pouring self love back in, what better place to rub ones shattered ego than on an online dating site ?

But please proceed with CAUTION !!!!

… because not ALL people are who they claim to be

… not ALL people will comfortably express their truth, exposing only parts of themselves

… and the biggest mistake people make is having unrealistic expectations about the playground

SO, take Sister Disgrace´s advice …

• be YOURSELF by being honest and open about who you are
• be aware of your NEEDS and be honest and open about what you want
• be PREPARED by understanding how the games are played on the playground
• be PRESENT and just enjoy connecting and meeting new people
• and let the FUN begin !!!!

Lets talk SEX and LOVE …because lets face it we all need and want it in some shape or form … in reference to the previous posts about food and unmet needs it turns out I didn’t need a sandwich but I did need to shave (insert mischievous wink)

Well … the professional helper did state that she was going to get personal about her habits and so here comes Sister Disgrace at her best. After her recent heartbreak she has spent the last week in the throws of her misery and despair, grieving the loss of her love AGAIN .. yes folks this woman has already been through the heartbreak twice before with the same man …

Fool me once … shame on you

Fool me twice … shame on me

Fool me thrice … you’re a dick and I’m the fool

Having been here before, I asked myself ´how long do I sit around in woe is me and continue to make myself miserable´ ? … or do I decide to just pick myself back up and carry on living ? .. say enough is ENOUGH because TOO many tears have already been cried and TOO much suffering has already been endured ? … Lets opt for LIVING shall we because its much more productive, not to mention satisfying … but HOW does one pick themselves back up after their hearts have been broken ?

Well … that will depend on the person but for me its about focusing on my own needs … and after 6 months of abstaining from sex because of my love for a man living at the other side of the world … lets start by LOVING myself and fulfilling my need for SEX (insert wink and smile)

Ahh yes the old habit of casual sex rears its delightful head … I’m sure the moral police are pointing their fingers and shaking their heads in disgust, as they continue reading in great anticipation about what might be disclosed next … those who believe that sex should be between 2 people who love each other are absolutely right. Granted that’s preferable even in my disgraceful world BUT being single doesn’t automatically make us nuns (insert snigger)

Sex is one of our very basic needs and yet its disregarded and pushed aside all TOO often. I’ve seen this part of a human experience denied and ignored in Aged Care, as if we turn a certain age and the need for sex just turns off … BULL SHIT !!! … I’ve personally experienced the shame put onto those of us who have healthy sexual appetites, who choose to fulfill that need instead of denying ourselves just because we are not in a loving relationship.

So long as sex is between 2 consensual adults then what’s the problem ? … is there a problem with having a healthy sex life when we are old or if we are single ?

MORE to follow …

I’ve been moving through some very uncomfortable emotions lately, relating to matters of the heart, so eating habits shall be today’s hot topic discussion. Our food habits are one of the most challenging to change because we can’t live without food and we are surrounded by food ALWAYS .. it’s not like a smoking habit because we can’t avoid it, it’s not like a booze habit because we have to buy it, and it’s not like a sex habit because we can’t live without it.

Comfort eating has been one of my hardest habits to change, but after years of exploration at least I understand it a little more … WHY do we over eat, emotional eat and binge eat ??? … I found a great resource while tapping comfort eating into GOOGLE search …“Growing human(kind)ness” blog by Karly Randolph Pitmans, who after experiencing eating disorders and addictions herself, created a supportive space to help others … check it out !!!

In regards to the habit formation of over eating, emotional eating and binge eating, we eat to fullfill a NEED. So to understand WHY we do it, we first need to identify the need that drives the habit itself. Karly breaks it down beautifully and highlights the main reasons WHY we abuse food …

• Fight / Flight … eating to cope with increased energy caused by anxiety, stress, tension, fear or panic
• Comfort … eating to soothe and nurture an unmet need or feeling
• Numbing … eating to cope with excessive emotions
• Self Attack … eating to punish ourselves

So … the first step in changing our bad eating habits is to understand why we are heading for the fridge in the first place and identify what it is we ACTUALLY need ?

TO shave or NOT to shave ??? … that’s a question I’m asking myself today, so lets start with that habit shall we ???

Who was the first woman to say to herself ” I think I will shave all the hair off my vagina” .. or was her lover fed up of getting pubes stuck in his teeth ? …Today, I decide NOT to shave because I just can’t be bothered, besides the weather’s cooler so I can just wear long pants. In all honesty having furry legs doesn’t really worry me all that much these days (must be the inner wild woman begging to be unleashed) .. UNLESS I’m sexually active, then I want to shave because I don’t really feel my best sexy self with hairy legs. And being the disgraceful sister I am, I adore oral sex and its SO much better with a smooth mons pubis and labia majora .. But WHY else do we shave ?

• is it by personal choice ?
• is it to please our lover ?
• is it to avoid grossing people out ?
• is it a cultural habit ?

If we believe that shaving our body hair is only one or some of the above then WAKEY WAKEY !! .. its not until we start to explore a habit do we realise who much more is involved than just deciding to do it. Our motivation to shave will depend on the person, but most often it’s either to feel or be perceived in a certain way by others ..

• before we have a hot date … we shave !!
• before we go for our gyno appointments … we shave !!
• before we leave the house wearing shorts … we shave !!

I pose the questions … WHY isn’t leg hair considered to be attractive ? WHY doesnt pubic hair appeal to some people ? WHY do we gasp in disgust when we see a ‘hairy’ woman ?

We are living in a time when young girls want to start removing the pubescent bodily hair as soon as it comes through. The transition from child to womanhood neither being experienced fully nor embraced, but denied … WHY ? .. Bodily hair is very much frowned upon … WHY ?

If we take a long hard deep look at our topic of hot debate we will find consumerism has a HUGE part to play, therefore is largely drive by the almighty dollar … Surprise !! Surprise !! .. There’s big bucks in selling products that shave this, pluck that, wax this and laser that. Positions have been created for our very own professional pluckers !! … We are surrounded by media advertisements that tell us that bare is beautiful. I’m yet to see a supermodel walking down the cat walk with her publes strategically positioned to highlight the latest bikini fashions.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying .. “Ladies, unleash your inner feral” .. unless YOU choose to. But I am drawing attention to how many of our everyday personal habits, such as shaving, have most certainly become a cultural habit.

Hmmmmm … so that habit of others influences our own personal habits (tilts her head to the side in contemplation)

Let me leave you with an image to ponder over … an image that raises some very interesting questions. My automatic response to this was how it gave me a great visual representation of how I see woman. She’s stepping further away from her womanhood by removing some of what makes her woman, as if stepping back into a position of vulnerability. And I see man stepping into his manhood and displaying it proudly all over his face for the world to see …

Hmmmmmmmmm (she ponders)

Why is the professional helper willing to talk about some of her own personal habits?

Because I strongly believe in WALKING the TALK.  When you work in a profession that involves exploring the behaviour of others and supporting them through challenges and change, then its paramount to be aware of your own experiences of  self, challenge and change. When we don’t have adequate self awareness and don’t function from an actively conscious personal space, then we can easily fall into the role of hypocrite.

Imagine if you will …

A woman recieving counselling support through her messy divorce, by a counsellor creating the conflicts in her own divorce.  A man recieving support for his alcohol addiction from a psychologist who needs to drink every night. A young girl seeking support for her promiscuity by a guidance officer who engages in casual sex.

It’s been said that we gravitate towards those who reflect and mirror back to us important insights about ourselves that assist us on our own personal growth.

IF we believe this concept to be true, then imagine HOW it would impact on our sessions and interactions with others. Every experience with another person would take on a whole new meaning. Each and every connection becoming a new and wonderful learning opportunity. We would begin to experience the world in a new way.

Personally, I believe this statement to be true and therefore believe that our helping roles are also helping us in some way. Ive experienced how my own self awareness has improved my interactions with others, which is why I think it’s time to rethink HOW we help ? and question WHY we help ? So we can privelage the human experience to its full potential.

When we position ourselves as the ‘professional’ then we tend to follow those professional guidelines of casting our own experiences aside, so we can focus on the needs of the client … but can we do this ???

HOW can we put part of ourselves aside and still be completely present ???

WHAT if we viewed the client as the professional ???

HOW can we maintain our professionalism and be more personal in our interactions ???

Having worked in a helping role for 15 years, I’ve both been and seen professionals with the best of intentions, who are either driven by egos or working through their own challenges. Does this impact upon the helping role ??? … you betcha it does !!!

HABITS … our life is driven by them, but how often do we actually explore them ??? … I decided to change some of my ‘bad’ habits, but turns out I have more than I first thought … Hence the creation of this blog … ‘Breaking the Habit’ … and our leading lady, sister Disgrace (nods head in nun like gesture)

Here, we will explore the habit formation of some of our every day habits and some of the common ´bad´ habit favourites: nail biting, smoking, drug taking, binge drinking, comfort eating and procrastionation. We will explore things like thought processes, communication styles, relational patterns, addictions and we will even dare to dive into those taboo juicy topics of casual sex, mastrubation and fetishes …

How wonderfully disgraceful !!!

This is a space where truth and humour will be used …

• to ponder and reflect upon the experience of being human
• to explore how we move through life
• to be more mindful in our interactions