I’ve never really given Mercury in retrograde much thought in the past because although I’m a self-confessed moon gazer, I’m far from being an avid astrology follower. But I’m beginning to wonder more and more about how the universal energies are able to have such a profound impact on our energy and experiences

Mercury in retrograde is here until January 25th. Its a time of confusion, delays and yes, MORE reflection. Its a time that will pull us back into our shadow self, where we tend to react more from our needs, hurts and triggers, with a focus on others more than ourselves. Therefore, it provides us with a valuable opportunity to become more consciously aware and hopefully step into our heart space where we can be more aligned with spirit

Sounds very much like finding our calm in the midst of the storm of change doesn’t it ?

Hmmmm … she ponders ?

With some recent positive energetic shifts and a change of direction I started to feel like I was finally healing my heart and getting my shit together …

Then BAM !!!! … it hit me like a freaking freight train. “Ding Ding” went the viber bell and there it was …

“the past knocking on my door”

I only have myself to blame because a little over a week ago I made a mindless wish to hear from him on my birthday, which I did …

WHY did I invite him back into my life ? Was I looking for closure or am I still hanging on ?

“Hi, how are you?” …………………. I paused and asked myself,

Does he really want an honest answer?
Do I really want to give him an honest answer?
Do I want him to know that I’m still healing the wounds?
Do I tell him that life for me is just fine and dandy?
Do I want him to know that he still has a hold on my heart?
Do I tell him that I’m doing OK?
Do I ignore it?
Do I wait a few days before responding?
Do I reply back at all?
Do I really want to reopen communication?
Do I block him?

I found myself in a sudden state of anxiety, unsure what the fuck I should DO?

So, I took a deep breath and got OUT of my head and dropped down INTO my heart

I answered truthfully, but it got a little messy because with the reopening of communication I also began to feel my heart tighten as emotions flowed through feelings of annoyance, frustration, anger, sadness and before I knew it I was crying …

Fuck you Mercury in freaking retrograde !!!

Is it really necessary to bring me back to this place to prove to myself that I do want to let go and move forwards? … Haven’t we already spent hours, days, weeks, months even years going over this same shit !!!

The following few days I was in a state of disarray and confusion. Although the contents of his messages were brief and even “nice”, I was conflicted. So, not wanting to repeat past mistakes by falling into old patterns, I shut down communication as quickly as possible

But then the darkness began to consume me. I spent the rest of the day and night in my bed, wrapped up in my sadness and suffering. My energy and motivation disappeared and I just wanted to sleep. I felt myself pulling back, seeking isolation, I didn’t want to process it, I didn’t want to talk about it, I didn’t want to express it, I didn’t want to feel it …

SHUT DOWN mode was activated

In the past this is the time I begin to experience a state of depression and fall into my old habits of coping; smoking, drinking, eating, sleeping, promiscuity

ANYTHING to numb the pain

ANYTHING to avoid confronting the truth about myself …

… and hence the HEALING and our long journeys BACK to ourselves

My wise mother, knowing me only too well came to my side to offer her love and support. During our conversations I realized that I’ve been moving forward with every memory, every tear and every hurt. Even my last email asking him to let me go, reflected a sense of blame for him holding me back and there was obviously fragments of hope left in my heart. I wasn’t accepting responsibility and I was still giving my heart away

So, what do you do when the past comes knocking?

Its obviously not as easy as making the choice to walk away, saying out loud that we want to let it go, writing down the words that come from our messy minds and hurting hearts and burning the notes with good intentions of moving the fuck on !!! … so WHAT else prevents us from leaving our pasts behind  ?

In the romanticized fantasy world that I often live in, I open the door, greet with a smile, we reminisce over wonderful times and then we either continue on our merry separate paths, wishing one another love, light and happiness OR he tells me that he can no longer live without me, that he loves me and wants to explore a life with me

Wakey fucking wakey Tracey !!!

The reality was … standing at the door was the same man, in the same situation, doing the same things, holding the same bunch of “if onlys”, the very same man I fell in love with

but WHY was he standing there? and WHAT did he want?

Perhaps he was holding onto the same old story I was ?

Sometimes we hang onto our seasons and reasons far longer than we should because our hearts hope for the lifetime … but the truth is WE are our lifetime and so our own hearts should matter most ♡

Sometimes we hold onto the hurt because when the love no longer connects us, our hurts do … but the truth is our hearts are holding onto false hopes that keep us locked in our own suffering and eternal damnation ♡

When love hurts our heart, then we are holding onto something or someone that isn’t meant for us … but the truth is WE sometimes struggle to accept this truth ♡

Letting go isn’t something we just DO, its a process we must go through … but the truth is our closure can only come once WE loosen our grip with fantasy and accept our reality

And with the simple acknowledgment that I was still holding onto OUR STORY, instead of accepting that we shared a wonderful chapter …

I reclaim my heart, my choice, my power and my life  ❤