Opening up to the fall


The bravest thing we can ever do … is to love again

I had plenty of reasons why I shouldn’t meet him, but I decided to focus on the reasons why I should. I was new in town and wanted to make new friends. Since arriving in the UK I had met some wonderful women, but was lacking male energy around me. I enjoy being in the company of men, so decided to hop onto POF and check out the local lads. But this time I wasn’t looking for a lover, I was hoping for a friendship.

He was new to the online dating scene and I had been back on the site for only a week, already feeling quite frustrated by the whole thing. We were both just looking for some company without any expectations, so it sounded like the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

On our 1st date (that wasn’t a date) there was an instant connection

We decided to meet at the Redlion pub in the center of Oxford. We both turned up half hour early, but neither of us were aware. Because while I sat in a booth indoors, he was waiting for me outside in the beer garden. I wandered up to the bar to see if he had arrived and noticed him straight away. He was sitting outside looking at his phone, typing a text to me. As he looked up and smiled, I instantly had a good feeling about him, so hugged him hello.

Being in his company felt “right” and our conversation flowed easily. He didn’t say much (when I eventually stopped for breath) but his eyes spoke to me. He wore glasses that magnified his baby blues and framed the windows of his soul beautifully. He kept smiling at me. I wondered what he was thinking and how he was feeling about meeting someone for the first time from an online dating site.

So, I asked him …

He told me that he was comfortable in my presence and that he was glad we had decided to meet as friends. Maybe that’s why we both felt so comfortable? because there wasn’t any pressure of hoping for a romantic spark or if we were attracted to each other. It was just two people sitting down, getting to know each other and it was wonderful.

Several times throughout our conversation I thought to myself “WTF are you telling him that for, ya fool” but I just kept on sharing my stories. We took a walk to another pub down the road, in search of food for my hungry belly and we shared a bowl of nachos (which were terrible). Neither of us like hot and spicy foods, so I dared us to eat one of the jalapenos for a laugh.

I liked how he enjoyed being silly and it was nice having fun together. As we hugged goodbye, I smiled as I wandered home because I knew that we had connected on purpose. I felt my heart opening up to him the moment we met, but it was OK because it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship … no pressure.

On our 2nd date there was something flowing between us

We met at the Victoria pub in Jericho. He was waiting for me outside and I noticed how his eyes lit up when he seen me. I liked how he walked over to meet me instead of waiting for me to arrive. We hugged hello and he took my hand in his for the first time. “Oh heck”, I thought to myself. “Don’t ya think that this is a little bit TOO friendly.”

He told me that his car had broken down just outside the park and ride, but he was more concerned about being late for our date. In that moment I felt important in his life and my heart opened a little more. As we chit chatted over dinner, his gaze made me feel a little uneasy because his attraction to me was obvious. But I wasn’t completely sure if I was ready for romance. My heart was still healing, I was focused on my work and so very uncertain about my direction in the future. So I tried my very best not to openly flirt with him, but my heart kept asking, “why are you holding back?”

My mind replied, “The fear of falling ya fool.”

But what was I afraid of ?

I was afraid of making the wrong choice
I was afraid of rushing into love
I was afraid of avoiding myself
I was afraid of hurting him
I was afraid of being hurt

As we stood outside saying goodbye, I knew he wanted to kiss me, but I avoided his lips. I needed to be certain about what I wanted. Did I want his friendship ? or did I want to explore a relationship with him ? I needed more time to gain some clarity because I wasn’t expecting to feel something more than friendship.

It was dusk when I strolled home from our date. Listening to the church bells ringing in the distance, I smiled. “Universe sure does work in mysterious ways”, I thought to myself.

On our 3rd date there was romance in the air

He took me to a place called Christmas Common because he knew I loved the forest and wanted to see the blue bells. I packed a picnic and he brought me pink roses and irises. I suggested he bring some chocolate along and when he asked “what type,” I said surprise me. So he brought me a Kinda Surprise, which made me smile.

I giggled at the look on his face when I took my tights off, so I could get some sun on my legs while we sat on the blanket. But was delighted how he honorably turned his back as I struggled to put them back on again. I liked how we were laughing a lot together. My heart just kept on opening up to him, but in truth, my mind was having a little dicky fit. So I hit the MUTE button and enjoyed the wonderful day as it flowed.

We strolled through the woods and got lost. Our stroll turned into a 3.5 hour hike, but we both embraced our unexpected adventure. We eventually found our way back to the car and went to the Victorian Arms pub, which was a lovely place by the river that I found a few weeks prior. The pub and gardens were packed with people but we found a table outside to watch the sunset. As the wind picked up and I got cold, he suggested I sit beside him (“Oh heck”, I thought to myself). He wrapped his arm around me to keep me warm and I felt myself melting into him. I knew he was holding back his desire to kiss me, so I leaned in and our lips touched for the very first time.

The perfect first kiss

So, why did I pull away and look for my mobile phone?

I needed to hit PAUSE because my mind was racing with a multitude of thoughts and I needed to breathe. Although it felt right, my mind was struggling.

On our 4th date the feelings were flowing between us

He took me to the University Arboretum just outside of Oxford because he knew I’d love the grounds. I giggled how he ever so awkwardly hugged his first tree, but loved how he was open to the new experience. We walked holding hands, stopping on every seat that we passed, just so we could kiss and cuddle. It started to rain, which aroused the senses and made me feel all warm inside as the energy flowed between us.

Later that day, he took me to a beautiful spot by the river and we sat on a seat under the willow tree, watching the sun setting. He surprised me with an Easter gift, a Cadbury cream egg box set (my favourite) and a Lindt bunny. My heart burst open when he told me that he got it for the little gold “Tinker” bell. My mind was giving me the silent treatment, so I welcomed the quiet thoughts and just indulged in the feelings.

On our 5th date my head and heart were in conference

I took him to the University Park down the road because I wanted to share the beauty with him. As we lay on the grass, wrapped up in each other, I could sense the desire in his body stirring, but his touch was ever so gentle and respectful. Once again, I felt myself melting into his arms and I felt my body begin to open up to him. I thought to myself how not so long ago, I had sat in this very same spot, longing to be sharing it with someone special. And here I was, in his arms. WOW !!!

“How did this even happen” ? … I wondered

Although my heart was feeling the love, I held myself back from saying the words … but why ?

My fear was getting louder and my mind had a lot to say. It needed to remind me to take it slow and not rush, to make sure I knew what I was doing and why I was doing it. Telling me what a wonderful man he was, so make sure I knew for certain. Reminding me about how painful my heart breaks had been. Asking me if I really wanted to go there again? Asking if he was right for me and if I was right for him?

My heart wondered why the heck my brain had to ask so many damn questions?

Just OPEN up to the love and STOP thinking TOO much !!!

I noticed that there were no thoughts in my mind about whether I was worthy of his love or if he was worthy of mine, which made me smile. Truth is, he was a man of action, not words. It was his actions that kept showing me how he truly felt about me. I knew he wanted to love me.

On our 6th date passion started to heat things up

We met at the red post box around the corner and I took him to Port Meadow Nature Reserve. Feelings were flowing between us and our bodies wanted so desperately to touch, leading towards some heavy petting on the grass, which captured the interest of a dog walking his owner. We were giggling like a couple of high school kids, which only heated up the energy between us even more. When I moaned with pleasure, he later questioned if I had faked an orgasm and I thought to myself “WTF” ? because it took me by complete surprise, but demanding the kind of honesty that I appreciated.

Truth is, sex is never far from my mind, but my heart needed a soulful connection. So I had promised myself that I would make better choices in love. As a woman who had fallen deeply in love with herself, I was going to wait and only share my body with the right man at the right time, no ifs or buts !!!

I wondered, “Is this the right man and is this the right time?”

I appreciated how he was happy to flow at my speed, without any pressure. I was grateful that he was respecting my feelings, even though I knew he was hopeful for more. It was his patience and understanding that began to ease my mind.

On our 7th date I knew I was screwed before we even made love

We drove and drove and drove, trying to find the perfect place to be together somewhere beautiful and private in Nature. He kept looking at me with his soulful smiling eyes, saying so much without words. But how I so wanted to know what he was thinking and I wondered if he could read my mind. He suddenly pulled the car over because he couldn’t wait any longer to kiss me and I thought to myself …

“Oh fuck, I’m screwed” !!!

That was it, in that moment I knew

I was in love ❤

As we drove around in search of the perfect place to park, we came off the main road and took a side road towards a little village, which we circled twice because we took the wrong turn. Turning left for the third time, we kept on driving for over half hour, getting lost in wonderful surroundings. Only to find ourselves right back in the very same village again. WTF ? It was like something out of an Alfred Hitchcock episode. But when we turned right we noticed something we didn’t see coming into the village. A road veering off into a beautiful green meadow. The perfect place to park.

I felt Universe having a little fun and guiding us that day.

As my body fully opened up to him and his vulnerable heart fully opened up to me, my mind accepted what my heart already knew. There was so much more to this connection than just two people looking for company.

Since that day, I held back my true feelings because I wanted to be completely certain. I wanted to make sure that my feelings were about more than sex.

Truth is …

Opening up to love, is opening up to the possibility of falling in love

But I don’t want to FALL in love again

I want love to OPEN me up so that we can both RISE from it

I want to share the kinda love that awakens the parts of our soul that still sleeps

I want to be with someone who isn’t afraid to grow in love

Truth is …

Neither of us can guarantee the future, we can only fully embrace our today and flow into our tomorrow’s . I can’t promise him forever but I know that our togetherness is some kinda wonderful. I know that my heart wants to share love with him and I know that my soul recognizes him.

So, I waited until we were in Paris, the city of love and light, to say without reservation and complete certainty …

I love YOU

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