While in the tub, I browsed through some of my email folders, searching for something. I came across an email in my “HOLD” folder from Mam
She sent us all the first few chapters from the book she was writing, asking for feedback. I put it aside to read later … and forgot about it.
The waves of emotion flowing through me in that moment, was not grief
… but regret ☹
My sister and I had talked about this not long after Mam’s death. We felt bad for not reading it when she shared it with us. I guess we thought there was plenty of time to read it.
I cried as I opened the PDF, realizing that I can’t give her the feedback she had wanted. Sobbing when I read the opening paragraphs ….
” When we are born our lives are an empty book, its up to us to fill the pages. From our first memory to every event contributing to each chapter of our life. Bringing forth precious memories to be treasured, passed on to future generations. In this book I would like to share some of my memories, which in turn will hopefully ignite memories of your own. Memories play such an important part of our lives from development, education and confidence, helping us solve problems along the way. Join me on this journey called life ”
And then this ….
” A Happy Ending depends on when you finish the story ! Yet maybe its when you realize that the story has just begun ! ”
I cry because Mam is in most of my memories in some way. I cry because I can’t make any more memories with her. I cry because her story ended far too fucking soon. I cry because I miss her story telling so much. I cry because she worked so damn hard on her book of memories for us. I cry because her words are now so very precious. I cry because I never appreciated that enough while she was alive.
I kept reading through the tears.
In chapter one she writes about her first life changing experience, at aged 5. A story we’ve heard many times before because Mam shared her memories with us often. A realization that all the people in the first chapter are no longer with us. Ma, Da, Uncle Bryan and now Mam 💔
A realization that reminds me how my own life seems to be moving so much faster. A thought pops into my mind “what if I run out of time” ?
………… breathe Tracey !!!!
Truth is, YES, I do have some regrets. But I live my life to the fullest because I would rather be learning lessons from the things I did do, than having regrets about the things I didn’t do.
So, I’m going to read some more of Mams chapters and I’ll probably cry some more.