What was, is no more


I woke feeling a little out of sorts this morning. Melancholy has decended upon me. Perhaps the storm blew it in from the west? My heart feels like a tight ball in my chest. I came Yam yesterday, with intentions to clean. But the storm left me feeling a little uneasy, so I settled into bed early last night. Sleep was restless and my dreams were busy, because Yam doesn’t feel like it once did. I kinda feel like a swatter in a place I once knew.

Conflicting feelings.

A sense of comfort, yet a deep sadness keeps sweeping over me. I feel safe and secure within these walls, yet I’ve never felt more alone and unsure of the world, as I do now.

Maybe I shouldn’t have returned?
Perhaps I shouldn’t stay overnight?
Maybe I shouldn’t be here alone?

But here I am.

With truths that need to be known.
Thoughts that need to be observed.
Feelings that need to be felt.
And tears that need to be cried.

I stand at the window, and feel like a ghost. Trapped between realities.
Looking out onto the world, but not ready to fully engage in it. Part of me desires to disconnect and fall away from society and it’s expectations. To reject the systems I struggle with and live a simpler life.

I can understand how functioning members of society, can suddenly find themselves living on the streets. I can understand how the choice to be homeless, can be stronger than the need to belong. I can understand how the desire for freedom, can lead us to places we never imagined going.

I’ve been drifting through life,
but for what purpose?

I was there, but I wasn’t.
I’m here, but I’m not.

Like me,
Yam isn’t the home it once was.
Now it’s just a house,
full of empty rooms and bare walls.
A house of memories,
that haunt me.

In my minds eye,

I see Dad coming home from work.
I see Mam pottering in the garden.
I see Dad doing his crosswords.
I see Mam on the computer.
I see Dad drinking his cuppa coffee.
I see Mam making dinner.
I see them cuddling on the sofa.
I see them smiling at me.

I can see them both clearly,
but they’re not here.
Not in the way I want them to be.
The only comfort I have,
is they’re together in spirit.

But what was, is no more.

My heart breaks,
the tears flow,
and I cry.

For everything I once had.
For everything I have lost.
For everything that’ll never be.

I cry until the tightness in my chest eventually softens. I cry until I have no more thoughts to think, no more feelings to feel and no more tears to cry.

But I’m surfing because thoughts and feelings, they come in waves.

I’m grateful for the release and the energy that’s now reflowing through my heart chakra, but I feel a little weary. So excuse me, as I rest awhile.

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