I haven’t blogged in a while because I’ve been journaling my thoughts and feelings more than sharing them. Stan and I have been on the road together since 31^st July and every day feels like a wonderful adventure. Although there hasn’t been any obstacles, there’s been a few challenges along the way. As I adjust to the new lifestyle and we learn more about each other in relationship.

Many people have told me that I’m living the dream. So, I’ve been reflecting over what that means to me. Interestingly, a blog I wrote 4 years ago (Dare to manifest your dreams) popped up in my FB newsfeeds yesterday. I believe synchronicity is a conversation with spirit, so I pay attention to those divinely timed “coincidences.”

I’m unsure if these conversations are with my Higher Self, Spirit Guides, Universe, God/Goddess or the Source of ALL Creation itself (what ever that may be). But I don’t waste much energy wondering who’s communicating with me, I focus on the message.

So, what does it mean to live the dream?

I suppose it varies depending on who’s answering the question, but when reality feels surreal then life can feel kinda dreamy. When the world no longer makes sense to us, it can feel like the world is moving around us, while we are standing still. I’ve always lived in my own little world, but grief definitely alters our perception of reality. But what if living in this dream-like state is how we eventually wake up from the illusion of death?

Maybe that’s the spiritual awakening people refer to?

But that’s not what people mean when they tell me that I’m lucky to be living the dream. When people say those things, it usually reflects their desire to have more freedom and less responsibilities. Yup, that IS the kinda life I’m living, but releasing myself from a stressful lifestyle hasn’t been easy. I’ve worked damn hard, lost so much, let go of lots more and surrender daily to going with the flow and living moment to moment.

That’s probably why living the dream requires courage.

I’ve dived pretty deep into what my heart desires, to make sure my ego isn’t in the driving seat. Discovering a desire is usually connected to an unmet need.

A desire for more money is generally a need for more FREEDOM
A desire to find our soul mate is generally a need for more LOVE
A desire for to have a dream job is generally a need for more CREATIVITY
A desire for more adventures is generally a need for more INSPIRATION

I say “generally” because the desire will depend upon the person, but identifying the desire helped me to focus directly on what I wanted to experience, rather than the object I “thought” I needed to achieve it. This has been a game changer for me because it automatically opened up more opportunities and possibilities. I was guided to experiences that showed me how to experience more freedom without money, how to experience more love without a partner, how to experience more creativity without having a regular job and how to experience more inspiration in unexpected challenges.

Having the freedom to love, create and inspire is important to me.

For me living the dream isn’t about being successful (not anymore). It’s experiencing the things I’ve imagined and wanted to experience. It’s following my heart and doing the things I’ve been called to do. Its the dreams and visions becoming a part of my lived reality. I’ve had many dreams, callings and visions that continue to guide me forward on the road less travelled. On a spiritual path that keeps inviting me to stay out of the comfort zones. Challenging me to rise above my fears. Daring me to take another step deeper into the unknown. Demanding me to surrender completely to the journey without a known destination. Guiding me to share what I learn from the challenges I overcome and the wonderful experiences I have.

But as you know, life hasn’t always been so wonderful.

Although I’m living the dream, I still feel those waves of sadness when I reflect over the last few years. After going through the cancer journey with our parents, we’ve all gathered up the pieces of our broken world. Knowing there was no going back to what was, and I had no fucking idea what I was going to do, or where I was going to go next.

So, I focused on taking one day (sometimes one moment) at a time. Trusting I’d eventually figure it out. To be honest, I doubt we ever really figure it out. I’m still just going with the flow of what feels right for me. Following my heart and listening to my gut instincts. But as I flow with the winds of change, it feels like my spirit has been liberated.

I wonder …

Is this what a spiritual awakening feels like?
Is this how the butterfly feels when it leaves the cocoon?
Is this what it feels like to BE free from the limitations of our mind?
Is this what freedom feels like?
Is this how a soul feels when the last breath leaves a body?
Is this what death comes to teach us?

I’m still peeling away years and lifetimes of conditioning, at times falling deeper into the messiness of my emotions. Stripping myself bare of defences. No longer rejecting, denying, or avoiding the truth of who I am. Instead, I see, embrace and celebrate ALL of who I am. Knowing that healing demands us to call back those lost and fragmented parts of ourselves. So we can BE-come whole again.

Call me crazy, but I believe that may be the source of our healing.

When I found resistance was at the core of my agitations, I realized why I keep falling back into the limitations of my mind. Its hard for our rational minds to comprehend that our messy and often conflicting emotions might be right. Although our emotions aren’t always an accurate representation of our reality, they are an accurate manifestation of our truth in that moment, which is why I trust my feelings more than how I think about, or processing my experience.

But how do we allow our emotions to rise and fall without creating unnecessary suffering to ourselves or harm to others?

As a soulful woman whose work is connected to serving the Greater Good, this is one of my greatest challenges. I’m often triggered to feel deeper into my own pain, but I’m also triggered to feel the suppressed inner tensions and conflicts of others. I can’t always distinguish between the two, which is why I seek more solitude and less social interactions these days. The more open I am to accept my own shadow, the more sensitive I am to the shadowy behaviours of others. And there’s nothing like a global pandemic to trigger fear responses on an epic scale.

Switching off the TV and strengthening my connection to spirit is how I release myself from the fear. Not following the crowds has been the most liberating thing I’ve ever done and I highly recommend it. Some would say I’ve taken social distancing to the extreme, yet I can honestly say that I’ve never felt more deeply connected to life as I do now.

I’m definitely less attached to those things that once defined who I “thought” I was though. Realizing that those things were only my roles and responsibilities, based on what society and culture tells us what we “should” be doing and who we are “expected” to be.

But …

Who am I when I’m no longer someone’s wife, partner or lover?
Who am I when my children no longer need mothering?
Who am I when I can no longer work in a system I don’t believe in?
Who am I when I’m no longer the daughter caring for her parents?
Who am I when I no longer have a Mother?
Who am I when I no longer have a Father?
Who am I when life no longer has the same meaning and purpose as it once did?
Who am I when my job no longer aligns with the work I’m here to do?
Who am I when I’m not working towards a goal?
Who am I when I’m not trying to achieve something?
Who am I when I no longer fit into the systems or tick boxes?
Who am I when I’ve been ripped bare of all my roles and responsibilities?
Who am I when I’ve drifted so far away that I can’t find my way back?

I am …… ME 😊

And isn’t that enough?

My life has taken so many unexpected twists and turns, so change isn’t a new concept to me. Transformation is a little more challenging though, but what’s the difference? From my understanding, when something in our life changes, there’s usually other things that stay the same. For example: when I went through divorce, my family, friends, and work were the familiarity that provided me with a sense of security during that life change. Transformation involves EVERYTHING changing at once. For example: the cancer journey with our parents changed everything in my life.

When this kinda change sweeps through our life our sense of reality is turned upside down, and our sense of identity is turned inside out. Life as we knew it is changed forever and the only thing we do know, is that we’ll never be the same person again. We not only grieve the loss of our loved ones, but we mourn the life we once had and the person we once were.

Its true what they say: Every next level of your life will demand a different version of yourself. So, I’m doing my best to step into this next chapter of my life with a little more acceptance and a lot more courage to live those BIG dreams.