Dear Diary …

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Dear Diary,

I know the importance of SELF CARE so why do I continue to fail myself ?

I awoke at 1am with a shocker headache and a nauseated tummy. Something that could have been prevented and reminds me that I may be smart but not always so clever. And I’m so very sorry ❤

So, up I got for a big guzzle of water and washed down 2 paracetamol. Sat on the loo and had a good clean out (thanks to Mam’s homemade pea and ham soup). Poured myself a cup of tea and started to write …

My choices have been questionable 🤔

On Father’s Day I binged out on sugar, reflective of my need for comfort.

It’s a day when I’m reminded that my family isn’t the way I imagined it to be. Choices that continue to impact upon my cubs and at times I struggle with that. It was a day I missed them and the man I love because I was surrounded by couples and families. And even though it was MY family, it made me think and feel things that lingered beneath the surface.

Awaiting to be expressed.

I choose not to process and fully FEEL the feels as they flowed. And the following day I didn’t pay attention to my own body’s need to rest during the day or drink water and eat while at the hospital with our parents. Instead, I was wrapped up in conversations and discussions. Then later in the evening I choose to drink 2 glasses of wine with dinner.

I acknowledge that it was a choice to self medicate overwhelming thoughts, instead of processing and once again fully FEELING the feels. I also acknowledge that my body has less tolerance for sugar and alcohol.

Hence, why I woke feeling so shitful !!!

Why did I choose to avoid myself ?
Why did I choose to punish my body ?

A limiting belief .. “Im not as important”

Hmmmmm 🤔

Do I believe this as truth ?

Fuck NO !!!

How often do we say this to ourselves ?

I see so many other Women expressing this belief often. Especially during challenging times. But that doesn’t mean its right. I continue to witness my own Mother and Friend choosing to think about others before themselves, even during their cancer and chemo ordeals. And in all honesty it makes me frustrated as fuck.

Why do they prioritize others ?
Why do they avoid themselves ?

Mam and I have had afew deep and meaningful conversations about this. Because it’s something I continue to challenge in myself.

What if there’s a better way ?

I believe that during challenging times it’s our responsibility to take better care of ourselves. DEMAND it if we must because WE deserve the kind of love and concern we give so freely to others. So that we can be of better support to others. And I strongly believe that until we choose to dive IN and explore ourselves. We will continue to believe our bullshit. Those self limiting thoughts that deepen our wounds.

What are the Mother/Father wounds ?

Its NOT about pointing fingers and blaming our parents for what they did wrong. It’s about how our individual experiences have been influenced by collective thinking. It’s historical, it’s cultural and it continues to shape our personal experiences.

Like any wound it either festers or heals

The state of our wounds shape the kind of Woman/Man we are, influences the quality of our Mother – Daughter/Son and our Father – Son/Daughter relationships. Determines how we experience intimate love with our partners and ourselves. And ultimately influences our health and well being.

Therefore, exploring our wounds has the potential to reprogram any limiting beliefs and HEAL some of our deepest heart hurts, that are preventing our ability to SELF LOVE ❤

Imagine living a life deeply CONNECTED to yourself and Nature. FREE to flow with the wonderful energy of Universe.

I believe that’s how we create magic 😊

As I write, my head still hurts, my tummy feels upset and I’m farting like a trooper. But it feels more like a purging of toxins. And so I welcome the process, SURRENDER to the experience and meditate on the RELEASE ❤

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