Dear Diary,

I’m no stranger to the dying process, having worked in Aged Care for 17 years. I’ve cared for so many people during their final stages of life.

So, why does it feel so hard to care for you, our beloved Mother ?

Death continues to teach me so many valuable lessons about life, as I overcome some of my darkest fears.

So, why does it feel so hard to rise above the fear and step into love ?

I can honestly say that I consider it a privelage, to be in the presence of spirit. As the energy of a being, reunites with the Source of all Creation. My sisters and I are so very grateful to experience the cycle of life. Here by your side, the woman who’s womb we birthed from.

So, shouldn’t I consider it a blessing to be a part of this beautiful process ?

Hmmmmm, I wonder …

Why doesn’t it feel the way I had hoped?
Why is there so much resistance?
Why the fuck do I struggle to flow?

Because you are my beloved Mother ❤

Truth is,

In those few hours of wakefulness its easier to convince ourselves that you might bounce back from this ordeal. That this is just another obstacle for you to overcome. And maybe, just maybe, you will prove them all wrong.

But the nurse in me keeps seeing things that the daughter doesn’t want to see.

Everyday we see how the fight gets harder and harder for you. Everyday we see you getting weaker and weaker. And as your deep sleeps get longer and longer. We see it for what it really is.

Our Mother, slowly slipping away from us. And try as we might, there’s absolutely nothing we can do to stop it.

We feel helpless !!!

The Doctors never promised a cure, but their treatments offered you more time. But as the beastly cancer continues to feed, I fear that time is closing in on us all too quickly, and I’m scared.

So I focus my attention on your request to be pain free, comfortable, cared for at home and to die with dignity.

Truth is,

We all want so desperatly to wake up from this nightmare and get off the rollercoaster ride of emotions. But we stay fully present, by your side. Riding these turbulant waves with you.

During this storm of all storms 💔

And just when we think that we’re getting a handle on things, yet another challenge is presented that we must confront and we loose our grip.

But as a family, we’ve been compared to a flock of geese. When one falters the others takes over, giving the one lagging some much needed rest and support.

I love that most about our family ❤

Although we sometimes challenge one another, there’s no judgment. We love, accept, respect and cherish each other. But that doesn’t stop our own individual challenges, nor should it.

As nurse/carer and daughter, I struggle

Conflicted between what I hope for and the reality of what is. Torn between what’s expected from me and what I’m capable of achieving. Tormenting myself with feelings of failure whenever I think I’m letting you all down.

Truth is,

Accepting what is, is hard enough. But preparing myself and others for what’s yet to come, has ripped hope from the hearts of those I love most. Something that causes my heart great distress.

I’m trying so very hard to stay strong, so that you feel safe and secure, but at times, I struggle. So I dig deep and pray to the heavens above for the strength and support I need to get through this.

We all do !!!

Because caring for your end of life at home isn’t easy. Our hearts are in a constant state of anxiety.

Why don’t I feel calm ?
Why can’t I find peace ?

Fears demand to be confronted. Forcing me out of my mind and leading me into the heart, where I feel this experience most intensely.

This isn’t how I want it to be !!!

I know I must release myself from my fears and surrender to the flow, yet I hold on. Afraid that you’re slipping away from this world all too soon.

Although I believe that death isn’t the end, but a transition of energy to be embraced. I’m not ready to let you go. I don’t want to give up the fight. I want to hold onto your physical form, tightly.

But as your struggle intensifies, I notice how I seem to gain more comfort when your body is resting peacefully in sleep. Something that causes me great conflict, because it reflects a sense of comfort with you resting in peace.

How can I be at peace with that ?

I explore my fears a little further and realize that I’m afraid that your death won’t be the peaceful transition I hope it will be. And I’m afraid I won’t feel you close when your spirit is released into the cosmos. I’m challenged by the need to surrender to this dance with death.

A whisper …

“A body is not me. I am not limited by this body. I am life without boundaries.
I have never been born and I have never died. Since before time, I have been free. Birth and death are only doors
through which we pass, sacred thresholds on our journey. Birth and death are a game of hide-and-seek. So laugh with me, hold my hand, let us say good-bye, say good-bye, to meet again soon. We meet today. We will meet again tomorrow. We will meet at the source every moment. We meet each other in all forms of life ”
(Thich Nhat Hanh)

A conversation with Universe ❤

I remind myself,

That the reason why I believe that there’s so much more to life. Is because death has opened up my eyes to things that life could never show me.

For what is it to die, but to stand naked in the wind, melt into the sun, fall upon the stars and become as one with the light.

So, I hold onto my faith.

I trust that it’s the love we feel for one another, that gives us the strength we need to get through this. And I hope and pray that you will find peace. So that death can kiss you gently.

Our beloved Mother ❤