Life continues to be one hell of a ride !!
One minute its a great adventure full of wonderfuls and the next I’m feeling challenged, tested and pushed to my limits. The last few days have been rough, so yesterday I reflected and today I write. It’s a long read but only those interested will read it anyways. Hence why I decided to blog and share it …
I’ve had that restless feeling and a strong pull back to the UK for many years. It’s a calling that’s been difficult to ignore, yet I resisted it for years.
I kept saying to myself …
I can’t leave my family to chase my dreams. I can’t take my kids with me unless I can support us all. I can’t abandon my kids because I’m their Mum. I can’t miss precious time with my loved ones. I can’t have the kinda life I imagine unless I let go of so much. I can’t let go of those things. I can’t risk loosing everything I hold most dear. I can’t put my own needs first. I can’t be selfish. I can’t do it on my own because I’m not strong enough. I can’t do it now because now isn’t the right time. I can’t do it unless I have enough money to do it. I can’t do it until my kids are properly settled. I can’t do it now that Dad is sick. I can’t leave my family during the challenges that are ahead of us.
Truth is, we can always find plenty of reasons why we can’t do something. But most of our can’ts are usually attached to fear. Therefore my greatest challenge is learning how to make choices from a place of LOVE ❤
For several years now, life keeps challenging me to SURRENDER. To let go of whatever’s holding me back, to trust in the process of change and to BELIEVE in myself and my wildest dreams.
Sounds easy enough …. right ?
“One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go”
( Mareez Reyes )
The process of letting go is an ongoing battle within myself. I notice that whenever I’m resisting the flow, I experience an inner conflict that causes tensions, until I’m finally ready for the sweet RELEASE of letting go.
In 2016, I surrendered to the call to create more freedom in my life. Over the year, I prepared myself for the change. Lots of conversations were had with my family and friends, I applied for a job as a contracted live in carer, I gave away everything that I owned, I moved out of my flat and I took a giant leap of faith. I went to the UK with only my final pay check in the bank and hoped that it would all work out OK, which it did.
I was in a long term contract, doing the kind of work I’ve imagined doing for years. I was valued and gaining a deeper sense of satisfaction from my work. I was inspired to write and felt closer to my wildest dreams. Money flowed easier and I was able to give and gift without the usual financial pressures. I fell in love and I was living an adventerous life full of new experiences and challenges, that I was thriving from.
But then life hit us with an unexpected curve ball and my heart was broken open yet AGAIN, but this time the world as I knew it was totally shattered !!!
Dad’s cancer diagnosis and challenges were hard enough, but Mam’s diagnosis and death continues to challenge me. In my grief I lost all sense of my own direction in life. When I was back in Australia with my family, the pull back to the UK was still strong, but my fear and doubts were getting louder.
I was saying to myself …
I can’t do it now Mam has died. I can’t leave Dad while he’s grieving and still on his own cancer journey. I can’t leave my kids because I shouldn’t leave them. I can’t leave my sisters with the responsibility of supporting Dad without me. I can’t still pursue my dreams during this nightmare. I can’t follow my heart while its broken. I can’t trust my choices while I’m grieving. I can’t have the life I imagine because I don’t deserve to have it. I can’t achieve my stupid dreams.
My internal tensions and conflict soon manifested externally, which threw me into a state of frustration. I had a strong urge to RUN !!! So, I ran away to my ex hubby’s vacant bloke of land, seeking solitude. I needed time and space in Nature to connect with Universe and hear the whisperings of my own soul. It was there, I challenged my can’ts and confronted the fears feeding my demons and poking my wounds. When I returned, I had conversations with family and friends. Contemplated my options and made the choice to take a deep breath and leap into the unknown yet AGAIN !!!
The first few weeks back in the UK were a total shit storm. In all honesty, if Universe hadn’t blessed me with the support that I needed and if I didn’t have the inner strength that I have, I could have easily made some very bad choices in my state of despair, and not be here to share with you today. In reflection, this is a frightening thought, but the ugly truth none the less.
This is MY healing and the journey back to my authentic self, which isn’t always rainbows and sunshine.
Since November 2016, I haven’t had my own place. I’ve been drifting through life with a very different sense of purpose. To stay OPEN and SURRENDER to the flow of service for the greater good.
I don’t always know why and sometimes, nothing about my life seems my own, yet I’ve never felt more like myself, which is just another example of a beautiful complex contradiction, that is ME.
I love my work here in the UK and the opportunities it provides, but the challenges can’t always be openly shared. For me, that’s the most challenging aspect of the job. Come to think of it, most of my challenges aren’t openly shared as they flow, because I’m mindful of other people. Hence why, at times I can feel quite alone when I’m feeling the most challenged.
Over the last few days, triggers have reminded me about the reality of what IS. Challenges and conversations brought lingering fears and hurts to the surface. And waves of despair brought me to tears on several occasions.
Overwhelmed by emotions …
SADNESS because I miss having my Mam to talk to. ANGER because as some are ready and want to die, others are taken far too soon. CONCERN because Dad’s cancer is active. FEAR of what’s to come. DOUBT in myself and my choices. GUILT because I’m not with my family. SHAME because I’m not always who I want to be. PANIC because I don’t always know what’s going to happen next.
I was hit with the sudden realizion that going with the flow, means there is no real certainty about the future. An acknowledgment that the deeper I dive, the darker it can get. Sometimes, I feel like I’m wading in the depths of the unknown and I’m afraid of what’s yet to come or what might never happen. I’m often smacked in the face with my fear like that. Other times fear sneaks up on me or lurks in the shadows of my mind.
Some deep inner work is in progress.
You see, I don’t just slay my demons when they show up, I dissect them to find out what fears they’ve been feeding on. Because I don’t want those fuckers coming back to torment me. I now understand that my darker side isn’t to be banished, but acknowledged. I believe my shadow is the unknown aspects of my consciousness, that wants to be known. So I’m learning how to embrace the darkness, by shining my own light on it.
Dont wait for the light at the end of the tunnel, walk down it and light up the bloody thing yourself. Because WE truly are the light 🌟 and love ❤ we seek
I read these words yesterday …
“Leaving convention to take up the quest for greater meaning, taking the leap ‘leaving the old paradigm of work’ that being working for money (prostitution) rather than doing what they love (sacred service)” (Tanishka).
This, and a conversation I had with my sister reminded me, that I am here to do what my soul needs to do and that’s all I really need to know.
Since being back here in the UK, synchronicites are a plenty and opportunities have been presenting themselves. That in itself reassures me that I’m on the right track.
I also understand that my life is an accumulation of my choices. Therefore my choices determine my direction. So, I’ll just keep being the love ❤ and share my kinda magic with the world 🌟
4 thoughts on “Sharing some of my self reflection”
Im glad your positiveness came through at the end of that read- xx Ive jeust read part of your book , not the blog!
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The truth isn’t always positive … and that’s OK ❤
Tracy, please could you send me your address? Bestest wishes, Hetti ot. Henriettaashby@hotmail.com
This is Hetti, OT.
Could you send me your address?
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