Fear,
it sits in my gut,
rumbling.

Its late at night,
and I lay on my bed.
Unable to sleep,
gazing upon the ceiling

A heavy feeling,
that tells me.
Something doesn’t feel right.

Doctors are planning.
Nurses are doing.
But in the silence there’s a sense,
that somethings coming.

A knowing that tells me to prepare.

But my heart holds onto hope,
and the grip tightens.
Causing an inner conflict,
that brings tension.

My thoughts are messy,
and my heart is racing.
So, I breath,
deeply.
To relax,

But my body tenses.
Bracing itself,
as the fear begins to move.,
up from my guts.
Slithering up my spine,
like a snake.

A darkness,
that spreads up the core of my being.
And a claw,
that reaches out to grip my heart. Squeezing.
Ripping it open.
As if my heart was a piece of fruit.

Releasing raw emotion.
And I FEEL,
the disabling pain of loss,
as I succumb to my grief.

I acknowledge the fear,
and allow the feelings to flow.
But its relentless,
and wants more.

The darkness shows me.

And I SEE,
flashes of images,

I’m in a hospital hallway,
my legs weaken,
and I’m falling.
Down to the ground,
onto my knees.
Crying unconsolable tears.

Then I see myself standing in a room,
surrounded by my family.
Feeling conflicted,
because I’m unable to comfort them all.
As each heart breaks open,
the pain in my heart intensifies.

A room full of broken hearts 💔

OMG !!!

I dont want to see any of this.
I need to see the healing.
PLEASE let me see the healing !!!

A whisper …
This IS the healing.

But my mind screams,
NO … not like this !!!

I barter,
I beg,
I plead,
I pray.

Do you hear me ?
Are you listening ?

I will continue to serve.
For the greater good,
I SURRENDER !!!

Haven’t I released ?
Haven’t I dared ?
Haven’t I trusted ?

I only hold onto my dreams.
So take all I have to give.
It’s yours,
for her life.
I surrender it all !!!

A whisper …
This IS the dream.

NO !!!
I scream,
THIS is the fucking nightmare !!!

A whisper …
It asks,
What lies at the core of your fear ?
What bleeds from your heart ?

I know its LOVE,
but this is TOO much.
My family deserves none of this !!!

A whisper …
The great dreams of dreamers,
are always transcended.
So rise above the fear.
Let your family’s love lead the way.
For its in the darkest of times,
that light shines the brightest.

Truth that resonates,
As reflections of my own healings,
run through my mind.
An understanding,
that we must feel to heal.

I breath,
deeply.
My heart beats.
Da dum da dum da dum da dum.

A sense of calmness sweeps over me.

I visualize fear,
no longer within me.
But as a dark figure,
that stands in the shadows.

And I notice,
the light radiating from my core.
Warmth,
and an overwhelming feeling of love.

The figure bows its head,
in respect.
Acknowledging defeat.

Overcoming my fear,
doesn’t feel like I thought it would.
Instead of standing victorious,
it humbles me.

A knowing that fear is not my enemy,
but an ally in the battle within myself.
Guiding me deeper into the darkness,
where I’m able to confront myself.

A whisper …
We close our eyes when we feel afraid,
but open them and you’ll see.

A sense of gratitude,
for what fear came to give me.
I bow my head,
in respect.

A gasp,
escapes me.
As I awaken.

Was this a dream ?

Mindful interaction ❤

Dear Diary,

I know the importance of SELF CARE so why do I continue to fail myself ?

I awoke at 1am with a shocker headache and a nauseated tummy. Something that could have been prevented and reminds me that I may be smart but not always so clever. And I’m so very sorry ❤

So, up I got for a big guzzle of water and washed down 2 paracetamol. Sat on the loo and had a good clean out (thanks to Mam’s homemade pea and ham soup). Poured myself a cup of tea and started to write …

My choices have been questionable 🤔

On Father’s Day I binged out on sugar, reflective of my need for comfort.

It’s a day when I’m reminded that my family isn’t the way I imagined it to be. Choices that continue to impact upon my cubs and at times I struggle with that. It was a day I missed them and the man I love because I was surrounded by couples and families. And even though it was MY family, it made me think and feel things that lingered beneath the surface.

Awaiting to be expressed.

I choose not to process and fully FEEL the feels as they flowed. And the following day I didn’t pay attention to my own body’s need to rest during the day or drink water and eat while at the hospital with our parents. Instead, I was wrapped up in conversations and discussions. Then later in the evening I choose to drink 2 glasses of wine with dinner.

I acknowledge that it was a choice to self medicate overwhelming thoughts, instead of processing and once again fully FEELING the feels. I also acknowledge that my body has less tolerance for sugar and alcohol.

Hence, why I woke feeling so shitful !!!

Why did I choose to avoid myself ?
Why did I choose to punish my body ?

A limiting belief .. “Im not as important”

Hmmmmm 🤔

Do I believe this as truth ?

Fuck NO !!!

How often do we say this to ourselves ?

I see so many other Women expressing this belief often. Especially during challenging times. But that doesn’t mean its right. I continue to witness my own Mother and Friend choosing to think about others before themselves, even during their cancer and chemo ordeals. And in all honesty it makes me frustrated as fuck.

Why do they prioritize others ?
Why do they avoid themselves ?

Mam and I have had afew deep and meaningful conversations about this. Because it’s something I continue to challenge in myself.

What if there’s a better way ?

I believe that during challenging times it’s our responsibility to take better care of ourselves. DEMAND it if we must because WE deserve the kind of love and concern we give so freely to others. So that we can be of better support to others. And I strongly believe that until we choose to dive IN and explore ourselves. We will continue to believe our bullshit. Those self limiting thoughts that deepen our wounds.

What are the Mother/Father wounds ?

Its NOT about pointing fingers and blaming our parents for what they did wrong. It’s about how our individual experiences have been influenced by collective thinking. It’s historical, it’s cultural and it continues to shape our personal experiences.

Like any wound it either festers or heals

The state of our wounds shape the kind of Woman/Man we are, influences the quality of our Mother – Daughter/Son and our Father – Son/Daughter relationships. Determines how we experience intimate love with our partners and ourselves. And ultimately influences our health and well being.

Therefore, exploring our wounds has the potential to reprogram any limiting beliefs and HEAL some of our deepest heart hurts, that are preventing our ability to SELF LOVE ❤

Imagine living a life deeply CONNECTED to yourself and Nature. FREE to flow with the wonderful energy of Universe.

I believe that’s how we create magic 😊

As I write, my head still hurts, my tummy feels upset and I’m farting like a trooper. But it feels more like a purging of toxins. And so I welcome the process, SURRENDER to the experience and meditate on the RELEASE ❤

I bought a new journal, made myself comfortable, picked up a pen and began to write a few paragraphs, before reminding myself that I was going to BLOG my thoughts and feelings as they flow, instead of journalling them.

But its proving to be a little more challenging to DO than I realized. Because journal writing is a very personal process. For me, like many, its how I explore, navigate and better understand my “inner world”.

The part of ourselves we don’t share so easily, for fear of judgement …

My journals are full of questions that I ask myself and ponder over, hopes and dreams I’m actively working towards, tensions and conflicts I explore, challenges and fears I acknowledge and strive to overcome, triggers I identify, problems I seek solutions to, wounds I’m healing and the thoughts and feelings about my every day experiences.

ALL of my writing helps me to clarify the many thoughts that run around in my head and any emotions I struggle to fully understand and express.

My inner tensions and conflict …

Thoughts and feelings that are NOT always positive, pleasant and at times may not make much sense.

Like you, some of my thoughts can be irrational, illogical, pessimistic and conflicting. Like you, some of my emotions can be uncomfortable, confusing and difficult to express. Like you, some of my experiences are a little more challenging to understand and explain. Like you, I sometimes wonder if others think and feel the same way I do.

Hence why I share my writing …

But if truth be told, I’m never completely certain that I want to share some of my inner most conflicts and tensions so openly with you. In all honesty, when I feel judged or misunderstood I retreat further into myself and don’t share.

I am a very open person but I’m always mindful of those involved in my life. So, I often procrastinate before sharing my words. But I believe that we all benefit most from sharing the real stuff.

Because our inner dialogue shapes our individual experiences and determines the quality of our relationships.

Mindful interaction ❤

It’s 3am and I’ve not long awoken from a dream that had me feeling a little out of sorts. So I decided to process and share with you (because it’s what I do)

Our mind keeps talking to us during sleep, especially when our wakeful life has any conflicts & challenges that we are actively trying to understand, process and resolve.

There’s plenty of those in my wakeful world at the moment ….. so I ponder 🤔

Studies have shown that during REM sleep the amygdala is active, which may explain why our dreams appear nightmarish. And a reason why our fears are often activated during our dream state. So I researched and analysed the dream I had.

FIRE was the main focus, which isn’t all that surprising because there’s been several bush fires around here lately. So this could just be my mind processing daily events. But it was the details of the fire that captured my attention …

I noticed, there were no feelings of fear at this point and recognized the fire was in a shop in our hometown.

I noticed, that the external walls of the building were already burned down, exposing the insides. I noticed, that I didn’t stop and stare like the others, Instead, I kept on walking towards my destination (which was to my parents).

I noticed, the firemen working hard to distinguish the fire, but it kept on igniting, causing gasps from the crowd as the fire relentlessly kept burning the contents of the shop. So may be there’s symbolic meaning here ?

TO DREAM OF FIRE : symbolizes destruction, passion, desire, illumination, purification, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. If you are not afraid of the fire, then its a symbol of your own internal fire and inner transformation. Something old is passing and something new is entering into your life. Your thoughts and views are changing …. I can resonate with that 100% and it may explain why the dream was in my hometown (the old me) ?

TO DREAM OF A BUILDING : “The upper floors may represent a higher level of awareness, accomplishment, understanding or consciousness. The main floor may symbolize the present, waking life and the basement may represent the unconscious and the shadow aspects of self. The type of building and/or what takes place in it may provide further insight” …. I always dream of buildings when ever any BIG change is underway, so this makes complete sense to me. The fire was ground level, which is symbolic of what’s happening in the present.

TO DREAM OF BURNING : indicates that you are experiencing some intense emotions. There’s something you can no longer avoid and ignore. Or, it may suggest that you need to take time off for yourself and relax. Perhaps you are feeling “burned out” …. I’m not avoiding reality, but have already acknowledged feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. Mostly because I want to be in several places to be of support to several people. However, I’m also moving through my own personal challenges, which contributes to the need to prioritize SELF CARE ❤

TO DREAM OF FIRE MEN : to see a firefighter in your dream represents your higher self. You are experiencing a period of cleansing and purification. The firefighter is the symbol of a true hero and of hope …. thats reassuring ☺

So far the dream sounds reflective of the changes that are happening in my life. But as I mentioned earlier, I was heading towards my parents.(whom in wakeful life have been diagnosed with incurable cancer). When I reached them I noticed that Mam was dressed in a blue nightshirt and Dad was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. Mam was eating chocolate and putting the chewed up pieces into her pocket. She was childlike in her behaviour and Dad was struggling to get her home safely.

I woke with feelings of fear because my rational mind acknowledged the behavioural change as being the cancer moving north. At this point my FEAR was activated and I felt the anxiety arise upon waking …

And this IS the change I speak of ☺

Because I don’t believe that such fears are premonitions into the future, nor do I necessarily believe everything I think. So I didn’t sit or dwell in this space long. Instead I processed the dream to better understandd what my unconscious mind wanted to communicate with me.

I believe that our fears surface so we can FREE ourselves from them. I believe confronting our fear reduces the power it has over us, which then enables us to RISE above them. I believe this is the CHOICE we all have in every situation.

We either choose fear (or) LOVE ❤

I believe that our suffering will depend upon which choice we make. And changing our experience is only a matter of making a different choice.

I then recall how the colour blue was prominent in my dream …

“BLUE represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. Perhaps you are expressing a desire to get away. The presence of this color in your dream may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future. You have clarity of mind.” Blue is also the colour of our throat chakra which governs communication. So to me, this dream reaffirms all those wonderful changes that are occurring on the inside of me.

It’s all just a matter of perspective ☺

Mindful interaction ❤

I’m a woman who loves freely and easily, but I fall in love with few. Over the years of heart ache and disappointments I’ve learned to rely on myself for a sense of security. Mostly, to avoid more disappointment and save my tender heart from more hurt. In truth, I find it challenging to fully open with a man. I will resist relying on him and struggle to need him.

Then he came along and changed everything.

During the most stormy times of my life he’s been an anchor. His consistent effort keeps showing me how much he values my love. I not only feel safe in his arms, my heart feels safe.

A feeling that continues to open me up to a deeper sense of intimacy. Depths I haven’t yet shared in relationship, so I can often feel a sense of discomfort and struggle to breathe.

During my emotional storms, I unconsciously push and pull. Yet he stands, nonreactive to the chaos. Loving me through the wild layers and waiting to hold me when I fall out of the storm.

I often retreat back into myself to explore the fear that rises or the wound that weeps. As I try to gain a sense of balance within myself, he gives me the time and space I need to do this.

The safer I feel, the more trust I have in him

As a strong independant woman, I’m not always an easy woman to love, but I’m a woman worth loving. Because when I feel safe enough to fully open up my heart, we can share an extraordinary love that has the capacity to create new realities and change our worlds.

The kinda sacred love with divine purpose ❤

The more I listen to my heart,

the more I hear the callings.

Callings that guide me home,

towards the core of who I am.

The more I listen to the whispers,

the more I understand.

Understand that home IS my heart,

that embodies a love for ALL.

The more I listen to Universe,

the more I trust.

Trust in something bigger,

than you or I.

 

I AM a warrior of love and light ❤

Each of our journeys in love are unique, but if I’m honest, I’m often a little green eyed when I see others living in love together. In truth, sometimes I’m envious of the marriage that my beloved parents and my sister’s have. Because although love for my (ex) husband is forever, our marriage was never destined to be.

Why is my experience different ?

Just as I’ve rebelled against the systems, my intimate relationships have and still  continue to challenge me. Truth is, not all of us live a life of love with the one we love and not all of us will fall in love with only one person in this lifetime. Some of us are destined to grow in love differently.

We are the warriors of love and light ❤

Although our battles don’t involve any bloodshed, our hearts continually bleed open. Love flows easily into our lives on purpose. Serving to teach us how to love as a whole being. Deepening our heart connections and loving without attachment. Teaching us how to rise above our fears, let go, release and fully SURRENDER to life.

Something that continues to challenge me.

How do you release someone you love ?

Because its natural to want to hold on tight, especially when life flows in such a way that our flows are leading us in different directions.

But these are the biggest opportunities to fully flow with life

Because life IS love ❤

Of course, the lessons prove to be invaluable and new insights serve the warrior well, but why the fuck must it hurt so fucking much ?

Sometimes my mind thinks that my heart can’t take much more. But my heart knows that each time she breaks, she opens and each time she aches, she grows. The heart of a warrior knows that the heart is her greatest weapon. And like a muscle, she continues to stretch herself to the limits.

This is why it takes great courage to love such a woman because she cannot, nor will not promise you an ordinary life of love. But that’s why the love you share with her is extraordinary.

I wonder if the warrior of love and light is destined to forever wander in life ?

Because whenever I begin to see the possibility of a future with the one I love, life calls me in another direction.

But I wonder, what does a future with a woman like me look like ?

A question I sit with 🤔

Mindful interaction ❤

Words is all I have to offer right now, but they flow from my open heart. So I hope they fall upon you gently as you read.

I’ve been through some mighty challenging emotional storms while here in the UK. But the biggest is happening right now. Afew weeks ago our family was hit with the devastating news, that both of our beloved parents now have what the Doctors say is “incurable” cancer. News that’s knocked the wind out of each and everyone of us.

As I flow through my own personal storm, I’m so very grateful for the presence of the man I love. He neither tries to rescue me nor fears the storm, which is exactly what I need, even when it’s not always what I want. During the chaos of the storm, my shadow stuff shows up. Self sabotage that tries to push away that what I fear to loose. Yet, he not only stays, he waits. He not only holds me, he lets me go.

The last few weeks have tested us all, as our greatest fears and deepest wounds begin to manifest into our reality. Its a storm that still rages, but we sail in the same ship (so to speak). Each one of us with special skills that play an important role in the challenges that lie ahead of us.

Imagine, a crew aboard a mighty ship, sailing through a great storm … that’s my family.

Being here, I feel helpless, as if watching my family far out at sea, fighting for their lives. A desperation that screams deep within me because I can’t reach them and I can’t save them. Unable to do anything other than watch from a distance and pray.

It’s a feeling that keeps bringing me to my knees into a state of sweet surrender. A place that opens me up to a rush of energy that keeps lifting me back up. Building an inner strength that fills the warrior of love with light.

Yes, that is who I AM

I AM a warrior of love and I work with the light. I dive willingly into the depths of darkness and dance with the shadows of the mind, because I can see the flickers of light within it and YOU.

I have faith in my family and respect the purpose of this storm of all storms. I call upon Universe and completely trust in the process. Because when a “cure” isn’t available, then we are invited to dig deeper into each of our personal resources and support the HEALING.

Mindful interaction ❤

We ALL experience the suffocating symptoms of depression at some stage of our lives. Some poor souls suffer from a constant state of depression.

So … how the fuck do we flow with symptoms of depression ? ? ?

When it shows up in my life …

I take deep breaths ALOT !!!!!

Breathing into my emotions and allowing them to flow, without trying to deny how I truly FEEL

I journal ALOT !!!!!

Observing my mind chatter, without becoming consumed by the fears or dwelling in the hurts

I trust the process for what it IS …

A natural response to a challenging situation

Change isn’t always easy
Growth isnt always comfortable
Healing isn’t always pleasant

I focus on what I CAN DO instead of holding onto frustrations about what I cannot change

I can choose to nurture myself
I can choose to nourish myself
I can choose to express myself
I can choose to NOT push myself to DO
I can choose to encourage myself to BE
I can choose to LOVE myself
I can choose to seek support

Reminding myself about life’s blessings helps me to appreciate what IS good in my life. A gratitude journal is a great idea because the more grateful we are, the better we feel about ALL of life’s experiences, even our challenges.

I’m always grateful for the opportunity to better understand myself. Because I believe that symptoms of depression and the experience of grief, guides me inwards on purpose.

To shine light on my darkness

But why do our thoughts torture us ?

I believe its because there’s something to be found in the darkness of our minds. I don’t believe everything I think but I know that my irrational thoughts guide me deeper into the source of my suffering. Supporting my desire to OPEN and my need to HEAL

Mindful interaction ❤

My 3am writing about “shadow” turned into a spontaneous wild woman meditation, which started with a song that compelled me to re-close the curtains and light the candles.

Oh how I LOVE when spirit leads 😊

I needed to dance, so I selected the music that I was guided towards. The first piece was “Peruquois – I am She”

My body moved slowly to the beat and with the words “I am OPEN to receive … I surrender” I felt the Goddess energy stir and rise within me. Goosy bump feel goods vibrated through, from the top of my head down to the tips of my toes. Universe was flowing through me.

“Anilagh – Medicine Chant” was next.

A beat that stirred something primal within me. To anyone watching, I must have looked like a mad woman who was completely out of control.

Because the WILD woman, is fierce …

She is FREE !!!

The wild woman moved my body with a different kind of rhythm. She doesn’t hold back. Every muscle and bone was thrust into action. Movement that woke up every cell in my tired body.

Liberating me from myself

My gaze softened and my body opened up more and more and more. Music that guided my head back, so I could look upon the heavens. Movements that flung my arms open again and again and again. As my chest expanded and my back arched, I felt the stretch happening from a place deep within me.

Oh how wonderful it felt to BREAK FREE

When the music stopped, my body was still buzzing. Although every part of me was awoken, a sense of calmness relaxed me into a deep sleep. The kind of meditation that heals the soul.

Mindful interaction ❤