I wrote this poem while trying desperately to remain friends with my husband during our 2 year separation, which was 10 years ago. We both struggled because he was still in love with me and although I had fallen out of love with him, I still loved him very much. So boundaries were very important to maintain and almost impossible to enforce during those first 2 years. It was a very bumpy road that taught me much, but it was a road that could have been smoother if I knew then what I know now.

Hindsight, is a wonderful thing ☺

You see, I was the one who wanted the marriage to end and so feelings of guilt that hurt my heart, consumed me for many years. I broke his heart, I tore our family apart and I selfishly wanted more from my life. Lacking awareness of self, the guilt festered inside of me like an infection, unconsciously influencing my future choices in love. Although I was open to love, deep in my core, I never truly believed myself worthy of receiving it.

However, we are unable to change our limiting beliefs, until we first become aware them. Like many others, instead of taking personal responsibility for my own experiences, I continued to project onto my ex hubby, blaming him for not being the man or the Father I wanted him to be. But denying aspects of myself, while attributing them onto him, only reflected how I myself, wasn’t the woman or Mother I wanted to be.

When I finally came to this realization, many years later, I experienced even more guilt and heart hurt. Those deeper understandings and thoughts took time to process, which then unleashed deeper emotions that liberated me when finally released.

These are the inner battles people speak of, those times when we have a choice. To either sit in the darkness and determine what our demons are feeding off (or) indulge in behaviours that avoid confronting the truth of who we are.

For years, I escaped myself with sex, drugs and rock and roll (so to speak)

So, I ask YOU …

Why do you fear sitting alone with yourself, when the truth will set you free ?

My journey inwards exposes some of those deeper heart wounds, such as this that I sought forgiveness for. But my own heart healing was only possible after several heart breaks, broke me open.

I sincerely thank those men who broke my heart open to love, for without the love that we shared, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today.

Letting go, with love

Searching for answers, its become clearer to see,
Our life together starts to slip away from me.
Try as I might to hold onto the past,
Its time for our love to be released, at last.

No longer can I have my heart open wide,
For the ache is unbearable when you come to my side.
I know in my heart we are not meant to be,
So it hurts to the core when you insist on loving me.

Fear in my heart brings a flow of tears from my eyes,
For the rules have now changed and its time for goodbyes.
Difficult to let go of a love so strong,
But we dont need to hold on to feel like we belong.

Friendship is what I need from you now,
Based on respect, if we can manage it, somehow.
I cherish you always and will be forever in your life,
Just not as a lover, confidant or wife.

A safe distance is needed between you and I,
To ensure I no longer have any more tears to cry.
Happiness for your future, is what I long to feel,
Yet emotions run deep and seem part of the deal.

So, in my heart you will always and forever remain,
But I need to bring some sunshine out of this pain.
For our children please never be too far away,
Because in their lives I want you always to stay.

Reaching deep inside I see a light burning bright,
Something more for me is well within sight.
I thank you for all that you have ever given me,
But its time to let you go, so I can become all I can be.

Mindfulinteraction ❤

I wrote the guts of this poem 10 years ago, but decided to breathe new life into it.

When I first wrote it, I was sitting in a motel room, alone, feeling very lost and unsure of my future. Separated from my husband of 11 years, I was focusing on creating a new life for my 3 kids and I. So when an opportunity for an Enrolled Nursing scholarship presented itself through work, I took it.

All the trainee nurses were placed in the hospitals for work experience, all except two of us. We were placed in Mental Health, which I was thrilled about. Because I had already decided that it was my focus of interest.

It was a very challenging 2 weeks because my colleague and I sat in on multiple Group Therapy sessions with clients, that stirred up all kinds of stuff. During the day I was the student, learning the process. But when alone in my motel room, I was the woman dealing with her emotional shit. We joked about getting about 5 years worth of therapy, which is exactly how it felt by the end of our 2 weeks. When it was over, I was left feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted !!!

The ironic thing was, while I stayed down there, I woke every morning to a heavy fog on the horizon. And in some strange way I felt a sense of connection with Nature. I didn’t understand it, but the feeling brought me some comfort during those nights alone, in the dark.

There is absolutely no denying that my path has been guided and that destiny plays an important part in my direction. My desire to learn more about the lived experience in Residential Aged Care has taken me off the recommended educational pathway. And in the great words of Robert Frost …

” I took the road less traveled by, and that’s made all the difference”

Fog on the horizon

Like a whirlwind she lost all sense of direction,
as memories and questions continued to race through her mind,
seeking clarity and demanding answers.

Who ? .. What ? .. Where ? .. When ? .. Why ? .. How ?

Questions that kept getting louder and louder,
insistent upon a response,
until she couldn’t take it any more.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!

She screamed,
falling down onto the ground,
gasping for breath.

She desperately wanted to make sense of the chaos and turmoil,
and understand the purpose it served,
because she needed to find meaning in the mess.

But uncertainty overwhelmed her
when answers didn’t come,
so she surrendered to the flow of emotion.

Tears of frustration flowed,
and her hurting heart pulsated to the rhythm of fear,
as shadows lurked in the corners of her mind.

Each night, she danced in the darkness,
welcoming her descent into the abyss of solitude,
in the hopes of seeking absolution in the silence.

But each morning, fog lay heavy on the horizon,
unable to see what was ahead of her,
she braced herself for yet another day.

She opened up the door to a future unknown,
with hope in her heart,
and she just kept on walking.

Mindfulinteraction ❤

What do YOU value ?

What is most important to YOU ?

I’ve been giving this some more thought lately 🤔

Because our values determine how we choose to live our lives. Serving to guide our choices and direction. As my own direction continues to change, I’m mindful about checking in with myself. To make sure that my decisions honor my values, which are the core of my truth.

Browsing online, I found the following resource on values, that’s worth checking out if you’re interested.

https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTED_85.htm

Following the steps, I asked myself the questions.

Some of which I share with you …

Identify the times when you were happiest

Find examples from both your career and personal life. This will ensure some balance in your answers.

• What were you doing?
• Were you with other people? Who?
• What other factors contributed to your happiness?

Hmmmmm … she ponders 🤔

My happiness has been dependent upon many things in the past. And my attachment to such things has been the cause of my suffering. Hence the desire to focus more attention on my inner self. Because the more personal responsibility I take for my own happiness and well being, the more consistent it is in my life.

In my career, I’m happiest when I feel supported and valued. I also need to feel like I’m being of service and making a positive difference to the lives of others, within my role. Alas, there’s little support for those of us who wander off the recommended educational pathway in the Residential Aged Care system. Hence my decision to change direction and seek out other alternatives, that better align with my values.

In my personal life, I can recall many times when Ive felt truly happy, but I’m happiest when I feel love flowing freely both ways. A sense of connection with the ones I love, is very important to me. Hence why my life time connections continue to deepen, while my seasons and reasons are starting to flow in and out of my life with a little more ease.

Identify the times when you were most proud

Use examples from your career and personal life.

• Why were you proud?
• Did other people share your pride? Who?
• What other factors contributed to your feelings of pride?

In my career, I feel a sense of pride when I successfully achieve my goals. But my proudest moment was while sitting with my colleagues, in our cap and gowns, listening to an inspirational speech during our Graduation ceremony. Having pushed through 5 very challenging years, I felt immense pride, and knew in my heart that we were going to make a positive difference in this world.

In my personal life, I feel a sense of pride when I overcome obstacles and grow from my challenges. But my proudest moments are when I see my children growing from their own challenges. During those times I feel my heart burst with pride. The same sense of pride flows, as I watch my fellow Goddesses rise and shine. A feeling that continues to guide me towards the kind of work I visualize doing in my future.

Identify the times when you were most fulfilled and satisfied

Again, use both work and personal examples.

• What need or desire was fulfilled?
• How and why did the experience give your life meaning?
• What other factors contributed to your feelings of fulfillment?

This is an interesting one to ponder over because like happiness, my sense of fulfillment and satisfaction is becoming more consistent, rather than being dependent upon successful achievement of something in particular. Perhaps that’s because my need and desire to stand in and express my truth has become more important ? Therefore, my life itself is becoming a meaningful experience, which brings a sense of fulfillment in the every day.

Determine your top values, based on your experiences of happiness, pride, and fulfillment

Some of the values that guide me through life are …

Love .. Honesty .. Openness .. Understanding .. Support .. Faith .. Hope .. Vision .. Growth .. Self-actualization .. Service .. Exploration

Although Ive always known what I value most, life experiences have changed me. My heart breaks have taught me valuable lessons in love. And as my children grow and mature, their needs change, which changes my role as a Mother. Ultimately, these changes have been the BIGGEST and most challenging of all. Taking me on a journey inwards, closer to my own truth as a woman.

Over the last few years, I’ve been culling and letting go of my stuff, both material and emotional. As I consciously let go, Ive noticed how my values were changing in order of priority, based on what I considered to be most important. All those things I’ve been holding onto, have slowly fallen away. But, not without a fight.

“One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether its guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and fight to let go”

As Ive opened up and dived into the depths of my mind and heart, its been an internal battle that’s challenged the very woman I am. Making way for the woman I am becoming. The woman who shines a light on the darkness. Inviting you to dive into the depths of who you are, so you can heal heart hurts and overcome fears that hold you back. Guiding others to take the journey inwards, towards creating the changes they desire to see in their own lives.

Bringing me to this moment in time …

A single woman, following the call of my heart, carrying what little belongings I have on my back, traveling alone to the other side of the world, towards a future that’s yet to unfold.

Am I afraid ? … Absofookinlootly !!!

The truth is, although I acknowledge that the immense love I feel for my family, has held me back from living the life I imagine in the past. It wasn’t just my sense of responsibility and duty, it was also my own fear.

It may sound strange to some, that I refer to the love of my family holding me back. Considering I come from a loving and supportive family, whom I cherish. But its important to note, that both love and fear can either oppress or liberate.

I speak about my own experience of love, so its about ME and how my own fear of loss, rejection, abandonment and failure have caused me to attach and hold onto people, places, situations and beliefs that have limited and confined me.

The biggest change within my own heart and mind is that neither love nor fear is holding me back, because both serve to guide me.

Although I’m well aware of the changes within my mind, its difficult to describe the feeling in my heart at the moment, because its something new, yet its also familiar 🤔

Something I’m still exploring

“Identifying and understanding your values is a challenging and important exercise. Your personal values are a central part of who you are – and who you want to be. By becoming more aware of these important factors in your life, you can use them as a guide to make the best choice in any situation”. (Mindtools)

Mindfulinteraction ❤

As a thinker, my thoughts have usually led the way forward. But the more I learn about my mind, the more mindful I’m becoming in my use of it.

Our mind is an accumulation of past experiences. So, allowing it to guide us, is like giving our memories control over our future. Therefore, the quality of our lives will depend greatly upon the kind of experiences that we have had.

For me, understanding that our mind is like a computer, helps me to become more mindful in my interactions.

Basically …

The CONSCIOUS mind is only a small part of our mind (10%). It’s the keyboard and screen, where information is gathered from our lived experiences. It’s where the “known” data from our inner self and outer world is typed into the system, which is then communicated via our thought, speech and writing etc.

The SUBCONSCIOUS mind is the RAM (Random Access Memory data storage), where our recent memories are stored. This part of our mind communicates between our conscious and unconcious mind. Its where our reoccurring thoughts, behavioural patterns, habits and feelings are made sense of.

The UNCONSCIOUS mind is the hard drive, where ALL of our memories are stored. Its where we communicate and make sense of our world through our feelings, sensations, imagination and dreams. It’s focus is keeping us safe, by ensuring our survival.

However, the biggest battles for survival often occur within our very own minds. It’s where we experience the destructive power and influence of our own fear based thoughts. It’s important to note that our biggest blockages to creating the life we imagine is our thinking.

Now, there’s an empowering thought to hold onto. Because the more personal responsibility we take, the more ability we have to CHANGE our experience ☺

Ultimately, whether we believe that we are a soul having a human experience (or) if we are human beings having a soulful experience. We are steering the vessel in which we inhabit. Therefore, understanding how our mind works is pivotal, in our ability of becoming skilled Captains of our own ship.

Please understand that our fear based thinking, has just as much purpose as any other thought we have. So trying to avoid or eliminate them, can be just as self destructive. Our fear based thinking stems from previous experiences we’ve had, and it simply serves to protect us from any future harm.

For me, this understanding helps me to gaze a little more gently upon those thoughts as they arise, which then helps me to expose the true source of my fear.

“To love, is to risk not being loved in return. To hope, is to risk pain. To try, is to risk failure. But risk must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life. Is to risk nothing” (Leo Buscaglia)

Afterall, we all want those wonderful feel good experiences of love and success, but how many of us can honestly say that we want to experience the pain of loss or the suffering of failure ?

Hmmmmmmm … she ponders 🤔

During my own experiences, I’ve sat with that very question and have dug deep, while sitting in the dark depths of my despair. Striving to gain insight into the source of my own fears and hurts. And I’ve discovered some wonderful gems lurking in the depths.

As a thinker, I’m learning the value of feeling my way into my thoughts.

I’m also learning …

That trusting our heart is how we open ourselves up to love. Our open heart, exposes and heals our deepest wounds. So we are able to open up our minds to experience even more love.

As our unconscious mind becomes more and more conscious, we flow with our emotions and sensations, which helps us to feel our experiences.

The more we open, feel and flow in life, the more we activate our imaginations, which taps into the magic awaiting to be unlocked from our hearts and minds.

And this is how we begin creating the life we imagine and turning our dreams into reality.

Mindful interaction ❤

She wants more,
and she knows she is deserving of it.
But honoring her truth,
isn’t always easy.

We are often told that falling in love is mostly fire and passion in the beginning, but then we must learn to live in the realities of love … IF we want more then we are being unrealistic.

We are often told to get our heads out of the clouds and face reality, to stuff our essence into boxes and dim our light … IF we want more then we are being crazy dreamers.

We are often told to be grateful for what we have, selling ourselves short and settling for an OK version of life … IF we want more then we are being ungrateful.

We are often told to compromise our needs for the good of others, loosing sight of ourselves until we die a slow and agonizing death of compromise … IF we want more then we are being selfish.

My darlings,
Understand that we all walk different paths.
Seeking different experiences,
to awaken our individual truths.

There is no right or wrong direction,
its a choice.
Of which way we choose to walk.

The woman who wants more,
and believes that she is deserving of having it.
Is the wild woman,
and she NEEDS more …

She needs a love that fans the flames of passion,
because her insatiable hungry for love,
will change your world.

She needs to have a variety of experiences,
because the magic that awakens inside of her,
will change your world.

She needs to continue to learn new knowledge,
because her thirst for life,
will change your world.

She needs to seek truth,
because connecting with the essence of who we are,
will change your world.

Knowing who she is,
and what she wants is how she determines her needs.
Understanding her needs is how she gains clarity,
and the clearer she becomes,
the more Universe responds to her desires.

But such a woman needs to walk alone at times,
as she struggles with her own heart.
Lovers may come,
but lovers will go.
Because her heart can only remain true,
to those who touch her ever expanding heart.
Only those willing to break open to love,
will hold her attention.

She may walk alone,
but she loves deeply.
So each heart break opens her up to more truths,
that are hidden in the depths of her beating heart.

For if she isn’t loved in the way she knows she deserves,
she will struggle to stay.
Because the wild woman isn’t made to settle for less than,
she will walk away.

But each time she walks away from someone she loves,
she must learn how to crawl, walk and dance all over again.
And this is how she becomes ALL she can be.
She falls, she burns and she rises from the ashes,
more open and loving than before.

The woman who wants more,
and knows she is deserving of having it,
honors her truth.
She is present,
and she thrives in love and life,
regardless of whether she lives in love or walks alone.

Let us BE such women
Let us raise such women
Let us support such women

Mindful interaction ❤

To love and to be loved,
is why I am are here.

But when it comes to love,
there are no absolutes.
For my truth differs from yours,
depending on our relationship with love.

My truth is …

I want to be someones absolute truth,
and love with a sense of abandonment.
But I have no desire of becoming someones absolute,
for to abandon ourselves in love,
is the greatest tragedy of all.

One of the hardest lessons I have learned.

I have falling into love many times over,
and suffered the break of an opening heart.
And after abandoning myself in love,
have been left alone to clean up my internal bleeding.

Now,
I am a little older and hopefully a little wiser,
and choose to love myself with complete abandonment.

My focus,
is to rise above my fears and heal my hurts.

Ironically,
the more attachments I consciously cut,
the deeper my connection to self, other, Nature and Universe becomes.
And the more love flows in and out of my heart.

Truth is,
when we begin to love ourselves,
our relationships with everyone else changes.

Seasons … Reasons … Life times

With love and understanding,
my life time relationships strengthen and deepen.

Trusting that every relationship serves a purpose,
helps me to find the reason,
which deepens my feelings of love.

Accepting the loss of a relationship,
enables me to flow,
with my own seasonal changes and life transitions.

And I continue to grow in love,
regardless of my relationship status.

Mindful interaction ❤

 

Whether you believe that peace on Earth is a realistic goal to achieve or an unattainable dream … YOU are right

Whether you believe that sacred union with your beloved is within reach or an unrealistic fantasy … YOU are right

Whether you believe magic exists as an energy flowing within and around us or is make believe … YOU are right

Whatever we BELIEVE is truth, we LIVE and experience that truth as our reality.

Ive been reflecting as my own reality begins to go through some very big changes, and thought I’d share the process as I’m experiencing it for myself. In the hope that it may offer some insight, to those of you who seek to create change in your own lives.

How do we change our reality ?

Dream it .. Imagine it .. Believe it .. Action it .. Create it .. Live it

I keep repeating this mantra because I believe it breaks down the stages we move through really well. It helps me to identify where I’m stuck and why the energy isn’t flowing. I often check in with myself and ask …

Is this my own dream I am creating ?

Can I imagine what this new reality would look and feel like ?

Do I believe in my ability to create this reality ? Do I believe I am worthy of this reality ?

What am I doing to help the dream come to life ?

Our answers then serve to guide us

If we seek to change our experience and create a different reality, then we must actively work on removing any blocks, that may be preventing the flow of energy between ourselves and Universe. Because we need this energy to help us create the change.

How do we flow with Universe ?

Well, there are those who will try and convince us that we only need to BE love and ever present, while gazing up at the stars and manifesting with the moon. While others tell us to live a more conscious life with open heart and mind, while offering limited guidance into how the actual fuck we do it.

Its not enough to just stand in the light with intentions of being forever loving. That kind of thinking only serves to avoid the truth of who we really are. Which is a beautiful combination of complex contradictions.

For our spiritual growth to be sustainable, we need to maintain a solid foundation of self. Otherwise its all just airy fairy fleeting talk, which only leads to more wounding of self and others.

Its time to get REAL !!!

By challenging and changing our thinking, ridding ourselves of any limiting beliefs. Allowing our emotions to rise and flow without restriction. Accepting our shadow self and integrating our polarities. Healing our heart hurts and overcoming our fears.

Yes, spiritual growth takes ALOT of work and its work that no one else can see, which can become very disheartening at times. Especially when you’re not yet seeing the results you want. Especially when you’re sitting in the midst of chaos. Especially when you feel and look like complete shit. Especially when you’re loosing, hurting, failing, breaking and struggling in life.

My darling, keep on pushing through because YOU are worth it, is what I often say to myself during those times.

Alas, diving into ourselves is time consuming and standing in our truth isn’t always so easy to do. Because we often avoid and deny aspects of ourselves, when its difficult to confront the truth of who we really are.

However, if we don’t actively stand in and express our truth, then it can bubble up under the surface. Causing all kinds of internal confusions and challenges, that spill over into all other areas of our lives. Causing all kinds of external conflicts and catastrophes. Until eventually change is forced upon us.

And we acknowledge the truth as it really is, which is an essential part of our journey towards self love, following our passion, living our purpose and ultimately creating the life we imagine.

Striving towards peace on Earth, soul connections, divine union with our beloved and living a life of magic requires growth. So trusting that this process has divine purpose is how I’m learning to flow with a little more ease, especially during times of uncertainty.

Because its during our uncertainties that we begin to experience our biggest resistance, which can cause more tension and conflict and hurt more than the actual growing pains themselves.

Yes, growth is painful.

As we drop the masks, knock down the walls and rip off the band aids, we find the wounds festering beneath the surface.

The healing begins …

As we observe and process our conflicting thoughts, our minds OPEN and we begin to experience more tensions and conflicts within ourselves and our relationships.

As we allow and flow with our emotions  our hearts OPEN and we begin to feel our way through the experiences.

We need to prepare ourselves for the truth that it WILL get hard, we WILL want to seek escape from ourselves, we WILL seek out love from others and we WILL want to quit

In our solitudinal bliss we WILL also experience our deepest and darkest depths of despair

This is all part of the change process and if we resist this state of being, then we remain stuck, we experience stress and we suffer, which I believe is the primary cause of dis-EASE.

So, when I begin to feel tensions, conflicts, resistance, avoidance, stuckness and stress I start checking in with myself, by asking …

What am I thinking ?

What am I feeling ?

What am I doing ?

What am I avoiding ?

What am I imagining ?

I strongly believe that its not enough to want and wish for change. We must be willing to do the work and I’m learning the importance of asking the right questions. So I ask YOU …

Are you living the life you imagine ?

or

Is life an ongoing struggle for you ?

If you want to create a different reality, then I challenge you to accept complete responsibility for your experience. I invite you to seek support and dive deeper into yourself. Explore your deepest thoughts and feelings. Connect with your inner self, others, Nature and Universe. I encourage you to stand in and express your truth, however beautiful or ugly it is. And I suggest that you fall in love with yourself.

Dare to BE the change that our world seeks

Mindful interaction ❤

As a child, I would watch and listen to the grownups as they came back and forth from the battlefield. Back then I only caught glimpses and glances of the kind of destruction that you caused. I seen people falling into the arms of loved ones weeping. I heard conversations between friends and felt tension in the air, with little understanding of who you were.

As a woman, Ive stood on the side lines and got a little closer to you. I’ve seen how you devour the minds and flesh of those you inhabit. Have watched people go to war each and every day, as they fight to overcome the grasp you have on their lives. Ive sat in silent prayer with the brave souls who refuse to let go of hope and offered comfort and support to those who accept their fate, as you take their life force from them.

As a daughter, I stand before you on the frontline, as my Father prepares to fight his battle. With a desire to better understand the enemy who stands before us. I want to know who you are. For like us, you are energy with both strength and weakness. If fear empowers you and love can heal, I wonder, is our mission to defeat you in vein ?

As a healer, I sit with you and seek to better understand your intentions, your motivations and your purpose. I cant help but wonder if our internal battle serves to unite the forces within ourselves ? We fear you, yet you are a part of who we are. It makes no sense that we provoke you, then wonder why your strength and power grows. I find myself wondering, is cancer here to serve our greater good ? What if YOU are our greatest insight into healing love ?

Mindful interaction ❤

Ambivalence ” is the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone”

NOW is a great time to talk about this !!!

Firstly, because of my own inner conflict about choosing to follow my heart and achieve my dreams, during a time when my heart also feels pulled to stay here and support my family.

Secondly, because of the political hoo haa happening in America at the moment, that has many of us freaking the fuck out.

When CHANGE comes, it can look a lot like CHAOS

So … I thought it was a good time to dive into ambivalence

Although our mind is a beautiful complex creation, we can break it down to two parts. Our conscious mind, which is the known aspects of our psyche and our unconscious mind, which are all the hidden parts of our psyche. Most of the studies we are privileged to are based on research conducted on the measurable aspects and objective truths of our conscious mind.

But what lies deep within our unconscious mind ?

Each mind holds different information, based on the lived experiences of that individual. But those of us who believe in past lives, believe that our life force, our soul, has lived more than once. So, imagine the memories and insights into who we are that await to be discovered.

I cant recall ever hearing the word “ambivalence” before I learned about it during our psychology degree. And if I had heard the word, I had no understanding what it meant. My learning is a little like that though, until I experience something for myself, then I can lack interest and understanding.

I recall my first “conscious” experience with ambivalence being something that caused me immense discomfort. I wanted to keep studying my degree full time but it was beginning to impact negatively on my family.

I felt VERY conflicted.

Educating myself was important for ALL of our futures, but the immediate needs of my children were also important.

I thought to myself, if I knuckled down and did the hard work now, while the kids were under 16 years old, I was gaining government support, so I could afford to drop a few shifts at work. But, if I dropped out of uni, I wasn’t convinced that I would ever have the financial support to do it in the future.

What ever choice I made, I felt screwed !!!

But it soon became a case of …

Right or Wrong it was NOW or never.

But as a single mum, studying full time, working part time and striving for a social and romantic life, was having a negative impact on my ability to be a “good mum.” Yup, always have been the kinda woman who wants it ALL.

During those times of trying to DO it all, I often struggled with the basics, like sitting down to a home cooked meal as a family and my parenting wasn’t always consistent. I would often bend the rules a little, so I could finish an essay or grab some sleep. Then get upset and wonder why I was having more and more tension and conflict with my young teenagers, which was soon followed by overwhelming feelings of GUILT

Those were very tough times for us all, but we learned a lot during that experience. For me, some of those lessons are still unfolding. Because the more I failed and fucked up as a woman and a mother, the more I continue to learn and grow … the irony.

I must add, I say that about myself lovingly and with a sense of pride. Because my fuck ups and failings reflect my willingness to get out there, have a go, take risks and rise up to the challenges. Something I love and respect most about myself ❤

My understanding of ambivalence has deepened and changed somewhat since then though. I now see this inner conflict as being a compass, that supports our adaptation during change.

The truth is, ambivalence is a natural state of mind that makes its present known during times of uncertainty. When we reach a cross roads in life and are confronted with more than one option.

It implies the existence of 2 conflicting forces within us …

Right – Wrong

Love – Hate

Light – Shadow

Negative – Positive

Strength – Weakness

Its unrealistic to believe that we can have light without dark. One cannot exist with out the other. So, it makes sense that finding the balance within us is about seeking harmony between both polarities and ALL aspects of our psyche.

I think its fair to say that the majority of our internal conflicts often happen unconsciously, without our awareness. However, it certainly does influence our thoughts, emotions, behaviour and experiences. Its often difficult to see both sides clearly, when our sight is clouded by our beliefs, emotion, wants, needs and desires. Therefore, our understanding and insight into our internal conflicts, is often seen later, in reflection.

Unless we make a conscious choice to better understand this aspect of our psyche. This is why self awareness and mindfulness is so very important for those of us who strive to expand our knowledge of self.

  I now see ambivalence holding a very important purpose, which automatically reduces my sense of discomfort. It serves as a mediator of sorts. Our ambivalence increases our awareness, by diving deeper into our consciousness. It helps to open up to more possibilities, instead of being trapped in our minds with conflicted thoughts and closing our hearts to conflicting emotions. Our ambivalence helps us to open up our minds to both conflicting sides of self, which hopefully leads to a deeper and higher understanding of self and others.

To our own inner wisdom

Having this insight and understanding does not stop the internal tensions and conflicts from occurring. Neither does it lesson the mental anguish or emotional discomfort. But it does help us to better understand what is happening within our minds and hearts, which then helps us to make better choices …

One would hope so anyways 😜

Something I am learning is …

Sometimes, it doesn’t matter how much we weigh up the pros and cons, because the conflict can remain no matter how long or deeply we look at it. Sometimes, we just need to JUMP in for a closer look, because its the only way to determine what we truly want and need. And sometimes, we will make the wrong choice … and that’s OK.

Because we never lose, we either win or we LEARN

Mindful interaction ❤

Opened up my emails this morning to find the official letter, confirming the training with my new prospective employer. The flight to Perth is already booked, my flight to the UK will be booked this week and my British passport is all set to go. Its ALL happening and I’ll be completely honest with you …

I’ve been quietly freaking the fuck out.

But … why ?

I asked for this, I want this and I need this …

So … why am I feeling so overwhelmed ?

Shouldn’t I be jumping for joy ?

All things considered, its hardly surprising I’m a tad overwhelmed. My life is changing direction right in the midst of a family crisis.

Seriously shitty timing !!!

The changes happening in my outer world are most certainly the result of the inner work I’m doing. Old limiting beliefs are beginning to fade away, as my mind opens up to new possibilities and my heart opens up to more love.

“When you really believe that you are worthy of the best, that you deserve the best and that there is enough of the best for you to have plenty, there will be no need for you to hold onto what you have. Allow yourself to imagine what your life would be like if your hands and heart were to receive something better than what you’re holding onto now.”

This has been the BIGGEST and most influential change. For years Ive been telling myself to never settle for less, to expect the best because I deserve the best … and now I finally BELIEVE it.

I acknowledge, the biggest influence to NOT change my life, is my family

At first, Dads cancer diagnosis put my plans on hold, but when we received the best case scenario, I decided I needed to go ahead with my plans. Because obviously there’s never going to be a good time to do this and the reality is, my plans could be on hold for even more years to come, which would cause me even more tension and conflict.

Whether its right or wrong I want to travel the world and experience new ways of being and doing. I want to have the financial freedom to live between the UK and Australia. I want to love and to be loved passionately. I want to have wild and wonderful adventures. I want to live a life full of inspiration and creativity. I want to be an active participant in creating positive change. I want to inspire and motivate people with my writing. I want to share the magic of manifesting our wildest dreams into reality.

My heart and soul yearns for those things.

Truth is there will ALWAYS be reasons why I should stay, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that staying is the right thing for me to do.

A realization that was soon followed with a sudden sense of urgency to …

DO it NOW !!!

“Maybe you dont have to push yourself forward. Maybe you just have to stop holding yourself back.” (Iyanla Vanzant)

The deeper I dive into myself, the less I can avoid or escape the truth that still lingers in the depths of my heart …

The fear of confronting the missing parts of myself

I’m not entirely certain what that means yet ?

All I know is that Ive been pulled back to the UK for many years for a variety of different reasons, but those reasons all come back to the same thing. A part of my heart still remains in the UK.

Nothing is certain, which means ANYTHING is possible.

But after years and years of dreaming, imagining, talking and planning, my dream is becoming a reality. I finally feel ready to let go of the life I had planned and am opening up to the life that awaits me. However, the timing might be right for me, but its far from being perfect timing. Dad begins his cancer treatment soon, Mam awaits confirmation for her bladder surgery and all 3 of my children dont seem to be in any great hurry to move forward.

Arghhhh !!!!

As my new life begins to open up in front of me, apprehension increases. And no matter how much and how often my nearest and dearest reassure me that everything will be OK, I still battle with my own demons, that have conditioned me to fear the unknown.

Oh YES, I hear the voices, reminding me that I’m a fool for believing that I can have it all. But in the silence, I also hear a distant whisper, reminding me that I already have it all, and more. I only need OPEN myself up to receive it.

“Dont hold together what must fall apart. The familiar life crumbles so the new life can begin.” (Bryant McGill)

It makes perfect sense, after years of experiencing struggle, tension and conflict, that it can feel a little unnerving when things finally begin to flow, especially when the flow begins to pick up speed. As our reality begins to change, our doubts and worry begin to surface and panic can set it, which triggers off our old way of thinking. Our mind senses all those wonderful physiological changes happening in our body, relaying the message that we need to retreat back into the safety of our comfort zones.

We “think” we are experiencing anxiety …

But, WHAT IF we reprogram our minds and interrupt the message ?

What if we replaced the word anxiety with EXCITEMENT ?

Would our experience change ?

You betcha sexy cotton socks it does !!!

A simple flick of a switch in our minds can change our entire experience, alter our reality and shape our future. We can either increase or decrease the energy around creating our dreams. And it all depends on what we are thinking, how we are feeling and what we are doing

So, HOW do we achieve our BIGGEST and WILDEST dreams ?

Well, I see it like this …

First, we dare to DREAM what seems like the impossible dream. Then we allow our minds to IMAGINE what that dream would look and feel like in reality. Because the more we can see and feel our dreams happening in our waking world, the more we BELIEVE in our ability to CREATE it. But we must also take ACTION and do what it takes to bring life to our dreams.

We must be open to LIVE the dream.

And this my friends, is the hardest part of all …

because Universe will challenge us …

To release ourselves from what is, so that we can create something new. To let go of any unhealthy attachments that hold us back. To accept the sacrifices we need to make, however harsh and unfair they may seem to be. To go deeper within and work on our inner self. To take complete responsibility for our lives and to remove any blockages that may prevent the flow.

“Your dreams remain dreams until you choose to breathe life into them and make them real.”

Dream it .. Imagine it .. Believe it .. Action it .. Create it .. Live it

Mindful interaction ❤