I had a sudden and unexpected experience this morning, that significantly shifted the focus of my writing.

A bird flew into the window and dropped down dead.

Birds often fly into windows because they either don’t see the glass and are flying towards what they see through the window (or) they fly towards their own reflection because they think its another bird. However, many cultures consider this to be an omen, and whether it’s a positive or negative message will depend upon the beliefs of those interpreting it.

Whatever our beliefs are, it’s telling us to take NOTICE !!!

I receive many messages from Nature, so I’ve learned the importance of noticing what I was doing, thinking and feeling at the time of the interaction. Many believe that birds are God’s messengers, providing a bridge between the spiritual and physical world. Having had some divine experiences with birds, I agree, which is why I consider the spiritual significance. I appreciate that these experiences are a form of communication with Universe, which I understand to BE the Source of ALL Creation (whatever form it may take or label we give it). As a Nature Loving Witchy Wild Woman, I’m open and receptive to Nature, which is why spirit communicates with me in that way.

Although I usually instinctively know what the message is, my objective mind still tends to seek validation. Whenever I investigate the spiritual significance of my interaction, my knowing is always confirmed, and the message is gratefully received. The more confirmation I receive, the stronger my FAITH grows and the easier it is for me to TRUST the unknown.

The shift from FEAR to LOVE …

… is a multidimensional and ongoing experience for me.

Those are the kinda messages I have always shared, but the call to share is getting even stronger. Its WHY I’m here, alone during these uncertain and challenging times of change. Focusing my time and energy on creating the NEW. Diving IN and staying OPEN to receive the messages that many of us need to hear …

Myself included.

After sharing Facebook memories of Easter with my family, I was upset and had been crying because I was feeling the loss of our parents from our lives. As I stood outside under the SUN I felt a strong sense of spirit, which motivated me to write about how the SUN and MOON influences my mind, body and spirit.

As I was laying outside on the day bed, I thought to myself,

“ How beautiful this place is ”

The morning sun was shining through the trees onto the ferns, the birds and insects were doing their thing and I was feeling blessed to be feeling like I am a part of it all. I was only a paragraph into my writing when I looked up and seen the bird flying straight for the window. I could only watch in horror as he flew towards what he thought were the trees. His head hit the window and with a loud bang he fell down to the floor, dead.

I was DEVASTED …

When I saw his lifeless body on the ground my heart opened, and I cried as if I had just lost someone I loved. I felt an overwhelming connection to this beautiful creature and felt the shock and sorrow of his sudden death. I noticed how it triggered memories of loss, which only intensified my grief.

For a moment I wanted someone else to deal with it. For a moment I wanted to call the owner and ask her to bring a shovel. For a moment I wanted a man to bury him. For a moment I didn’t want to be alone. For a moment I didn’t want to BE where I was, which was with the sudden shock of an unexpected death.

Then that moment past …

I cried as I swaddled him in a piece of material that I ripped from a sarong. I cried as I dug a shallow grave with the bread knife (improvisation). I cried as I felt a strong connection to Goddess when my hands were in the dirt and I cried when I buried his little body under a tree.

I wondered …

How could I possibly feel grief for this little creature?

How can I feel sorrow when I don’t have an emotional attachment to him?

A voice whispered …

You feel it because you FEEL a connection to him

And that’s the moment I knew what the COLLECTIVE message was …

Unexpected disruption and change bring a sense of fear to our lives, which is intensified by the presence of death. We fear loss in any shape or form and struggle to accept it as being an important part of life. When we allow fear to take control of our mind, we miss the opportunity to stay fully present with our hearts and …

… BE the LOVE

I’m learning when we FEEL life as it really IS, we consciously and mindfully allow sorrow to flow as freely through our BEing as joy, but it requires OPENNESS. 

An OPEN heart will feel the pain of grief, but not suffer when it doesn’t hold onto the sorrow. An OPEN mind will see beyond the veil of ego, allowing the (3)rd eye to SEE the beauty of loss. Enabling us to feel the LOVE even when we’re in the presence of death.

I cried tears of GRATITUDE

Understanding WHY fear had made its presence known over the last few days. Understanding WHY Universe has placed me here, alone during this time. Understanding WHY the message was delivered today (the day before New Moon in Taurus, which happens to be Dad’s star sign). Understanding WHY I’ve felt drawn to and am attracting conversations with ex partners. Understanding WHY I see how both our personal and the collective wounds have and DO influence our choices and experiences. Understanding my own challenges in relationship with other. Acknowledging how my own wounds and fears have held me back from growing together in LOVE.

YES, I agree with superstition that a bird flying into the window IS an omen

YES, I do believe I’m experiencing a metaphysical death and positive change

YES, I’m ready to RELEASE myself from the stress, struggle and suffering

YES, I will lean into this months New Moon with less fear

After writing this, I PAUSED for a while …

Standing on the deck gazing out into the forest of trees, watching the Autumn leaves gently falling onto the ground. Acknowledging that I’m in the right hemisphere at the right time because this is my time to RELEASE and let go of what no longer serves my highest good. Thinking to myself how very grateful I am to be supported to fully privilege and honour this experience.

In that moment a beautiful BIG butterfly danced around me and I cried

The energy of our BE-loved Mother (Nature) and Father (Universe) flows through every single one of us ALWAYS and FOREVER

Blessed BE ❤️

 

The other day …
My mind was challenging me
Thoughts drifted in/out most of the day
An experience I decided to sit with
Rather than distract myself from
My thoughts were like visitors
Popping in and out all day long
Some energised me
While others drained me
I felt weary
Why didn’t I switch off ?
Why didn’t I tune in ?
Because I was choosing
To NOTICE …
How my thoughts drifted
Into either story and/or emotion
And how that influenced my energy
WHY ???
I didn’t really know
I just knew I was struggling with myself
So I leaned into it
To NOTICE …
The thoughts drifting in
Towards the stories attached
And how they made me feel
To NOTICE …
The memories replaying
And emotions rising
To NOTICE …
How a thought turns into a story
How we decide to follow it (or) not
How we feel when we do (or) don’t
Yesterday I flowed with this experience
And by the end of the day
I was energetically worn out
EMPTY
I noticed my craving for male company
And instead of denying this truth
I acknowledged my wantings and neediness
FRUSTRATED
My wants and needs weren’t satisfied
Forced to accept that I am alone
And how that made me feel
ALONE
I went to bed with an OLD familiar story
Experiencing the loneliness of solitude
Truth is we ALL have days like that
And there will be others
Because like you
I don’t always make the right choices
Sometimes my inner demons get hungry
And I feed them
Sometimes external influences
Penetrate into my energy field
And I don’t have the energy to fight them
Even the Warriors of Light
Are challenged with their own minds
Perhaps that’s WHY I choose to NOTICE ?
So I could SHARE with you today
That we ALL need to discover our power
TO CHOOSE 💗

Getting outside with the trees when the Sun rises, to stretch my body. Its a delicious feeling, to lean into a stretch and feel it OPENING your body. I’m not flexible so I know I need to do this daily (known for years just haven’t listened).

I also set my daily intentions of LOVE 💚

I woke after a vivid dream about Mam this morning. We were at John St in our home town, but our situation was the same as it is now.

The house was full of family and she came to visit us. She said she was here all the time and would never leave us alone (almost sounds stalkerish hey) 🤣 Mam hugged the kids and said she missed being in the flesh, which is why her spirit had taken form. In the dream we all left Mam at the house after awhile, cos we had “life” stuff to do. In the dream I was aware that part of myself was thinking.

WTF ??? you’re leaving her ? ya daft buggers !!!

A little time later I returned to find Mam still in physical form, asleep on a single bed that was in the lounge room. She woke when I opened the door and said she didn’t want to go back to being a spirit. She wanted to stay. I told her that I wanted her to stay too because although I could feel her spiritual presence, I couldn’t see or hug her when she was in spirit form.

We were interupted because visitors dropped in, who were shocked to see Mam in the flesh. Then I woke up to the sound of my metal chimes tinkling in the wind outside the cabin.

I smiled 😊

When our loved ones are in spirit we accept visits in any which way they come. We love it when they show up in our lives in some way.

Is a dream only a dream ???

Alhough I believe the essence of her BEing is spirit, which is an energy that never dies. I still miss Mam’s physical form so damn much. So much so, I’ve actually held her ashes in my hands just to feel a sense of her physical form.

My thoughts began to wander …

I thought about the reality of what is and how it still feels somewhat surreal. Memories of her end of life flashed through my mind (as they do sometimes). There’s still so much emotion attached to these memories, so the tears flow.

Sometimes I cry into my pillow, other times I talk out loud to her. To say anything that needs to be said and feel anything that needs to be felt. It usually leads to something I’m holding onto, that needs to be seen, processed, felt and released. This morning it took me to one of my regrets, which still pops up now and then.

I notice that although I cry openly, my heart doesn’t hurt like it used to. I know it’s not numb because I feel so intensely. So, I keep trusting the process. Understanding and accepting that this is how I must flow through life now …

Staying OPEN to it ALL 💗

Its hard not to think about loss during this time.

The religious aspects of Easter is all about death, sacrifice and rebirth. Many of us are in isolation, separated from our families and friends. We’re all going through a global crisis that’s changing our world, which also involves death, sacrifice and rebirth. Life’s in a constant state of change (as are we). Whether we like it or not we will all loose someone we think we can’t live without. Life will never be the same again, but we will keep on living without them.

Every ending is a NEW beginning 🌟

I write and share my thoughts and feelings to shine a light on my inner world. It helps me to process, feel and release what I hold onto.

Not everyone gives a fuck … and that’s OK

Those who want to read it … will read it
Those who need to see it … will see it

From me and Mam with LOVE 💗

I woke this morning thinking about my relationship with
LIFE and LOVE
How its an IN-haling and EX-haling process
Breathing IN life and breathing OUT love
Going IN to understand myself
Then reaching OUT to connect with others
A dance between solitude and sharing
Meditation and conversation
My thoughts drifted towards relationship with other
Thinking about what I learn from the masculine
What the last (3) intimate connections have taught me
How and why they ended
Recognizing when it felt right to part ways
Knowing what was right for them, not just me
Although I still feel myself holding on
I’m learning how to let go with a little less resistance
To flow with a little more grace
More conscious of myself
Recognizing the reason, season and lifetime
The need that attracted us to each other
The experiences we shared together
My openness to love
But my inability to settle
What falling in love means to me?
When and why I’ve fallen
My resistance to falling and a desire to rise
How it reflects my heart committing to the relationship
My need to grow together
A desire for a divine experience and sacred union
And what that reflects within me
Although I contemplate, reflect and journal about my relationships
And openly discuss my experiences within my circle of trust
I don’t share the details of my intimate challenges
Or my relationship struggles in the same way I used to
I’m honouring the relationship
Privilege the experience
And respecting the man
Grateful for the lessons in LOVE
My focus is on how the relationship served us
Rather than the wrong doings of the man
I take full responsibility for my experience and situation
Exploring the reflections, wounds and imbalance more consciously
Masculine and Feminine
Leaning into the tensions with more intention
And dissolving the conflicts
My mind seeks meaning and my heart seeks forgiveness
Because that’s what LOVE does
As I’m writing this
I hear a tapping on the window
It’s one of the cherub wrens fluttering around outside
Singing his sweet angelic song
I get up to open the curtain and smile
I’m not sleeping as much as I have been
My soul no longer feels tired
The more I focus on BEing rather than DOing
I notice how I wake feeling more rested
Even after only a few hours’ sleep
Although these are challenging and uncertain times
I’m not feeding my fear, so I don’t feel anxious
Wondering, but not worrying
My heart feels calmer and my mind is clearer
I realize that I’m no longer healing, but rebuilding
NOW is the time to focus my time and energy on creating the NEW
I ask myself …
What are my BIGGEST dreams?
What have I imagined?
What do I believe in?
What can I DO?
What am I creating?
My motto…
Dream it, Imagine it, Action it, Create it, Live it
Self-improvement tools are flowing my way
Opportunities to invest in myself are more affordable
Solitude feels a little less lonely
Isolation seems a little more purposeful
As I type, I look around and pay attention to my environment
The comfortable bed I’m sitting in
The view of the trees from my window
The sounds of the rain and birds
The smell of the damp earth
I enjoy being alone in Nature so much more than I ever have before
Solitude has become something I need
And Nature something I am
Gratitude overwhelms
And I feel contentment
I wonder,
How is it possible to feel this way during these times?
Why am I feeling at peace when the world is in chaos?
I know the answer
Because I’ve already felt the separation from loved ones
And found the deeper connection
We’ve already been through hell and back many times over
Already confronted and lived our worst nightmare
Our world has already been torn apart and shattered
We’ve already been broken and have lost so much
And I’ve LET GO of so much more
Surrendering over and over and over again
Until ripped bare of my defences
Naked and vulnerable
Open and bleeding
LOVE
I can stay focused on what matters most
Because I’ve learned the hard lessons
My mind drifts towards the collective conscience
And I feel the need to meditate with deeper intention
To deeply IN-hale life and EX-hale love
To breathe the fear deeper into my lungs
To where the virus dwells
A physical manifestation of the grief
I feel grounded with a deep connection to Gaia
The ancestral mother of ALL life
The primal Mother Earth goddess
My crown chakra is open to the Divine
I feel the spirit of our beloved Mother
And a connection to the collective Mother wound
On each breath I’m told to focus
Inhale LIFE and exhale LOVE
Breathe IN fear and breathe OUT the pain
Breathe IN pain and breathe OUT the suffering
Breathe IN suffering and breathe OUT the life
Breathe IN life and breathe OUT the love
Until the energy is transformed
From FEAR to LOVE
My BE-loveds
Alchemy isn’t magic
It’s science
YOU are the Magick

Although staying informed, I haven’t been turning on the news, doing research or actively engaging in debates and discussions. When the pandemic began to impact upon my own life, I needed to pull back and BE alone with my thoughts and feelings. To sit with and understand my own fears and concerns, without being influenced by external fear.

My sisters and I are so much more honest with ourselves and each other about what we think and how we feel. The death of our beloved parents has only strengthened our love and connection to each other. Although we love each other dearly and enjoy one another’s company, neither of us were keen on going into lock down together. All (3) of us live very different lifestyles with different priorities. Mine is to focus my energy on the new direction I need to move towards. To honour my healing and writing process. To appreciate the opportunity for growth and transformation during these challenging times of change. To prioritize my relationship with spirit and strengthen my connection to the divine, and to do that I need solitude in a place that feels safe.

So, that’s what brought me here to Heaven in the Hills, which is a place I have a little history with. Back in 2009 I was a single mum of (3) teens, working as a nurse in Aged Care and studying full time at university. I would come here to reconnect and recharge my batteries whenever I needed the additional support to self-care. This is the place I began to expand upon my objective mind and re-open to Other Worldly possibilities. I say re-open because as a child our parents told stories of such worlds, so I always felt that connection. My time here was always relaxing and rejuvenating, but I also had a few interesting experiences: A reike massage that introduced me to the release of suppressed emotion (not always pleasant). An intense gong meditation that took me on a wild visual ride through the jungle as a Tiger, above the valleys as an Eagle and in the ocean as a Whale (intense). And it was here I had my first up close encounter with a Nature spirit (the out of this world kinda crazy).

So, when it popped up in our Airnb search, I couldn’t believe my eyes (but the price was way out of my budget). Fortunately, I listened to my sister, who prompted me to message her anyway. To ask if she could drop the price (which she kindly did do). The last time I was here was back in 2011 and after catching up with the owner, she hasn’t been here herself for 8 years. She had rented the property as a retreat to someone working with addictions, and only returned last year to clean up the place because it’s up for sale. It still amazes me how the web of fate is weaved through our lives, bringing us towards the experiences and people meant for us. When I realized that self-isolation was on the cards, I never imagined I would be here again, but here I am.

When I left Chenrezig I was ready to take the next step into the unknown, but I never imagined I would be stepping into a global pandemic. I’ve already shared my thoughts and feelings about my first reaction to COVID-19 in my previous blog, but I want to expand upon my resistance. I’ll be honest, I didn’t react from a place of love because although I didn’t feel afraid, my fear had been activated. That’s why it’s taken me a few weeks to connect with the collective experience. First, I needed to dive in to acknowledge, process, express and rise above my own fear. Otherwise I disown my personal experience, by externally projecting the darkness instead of illuminating the fear within myself.

So, what does that actually mean?

It meant getting honest with myself, by shining a light on my own behaviour. To observe the thoughts that energized my emotions, influencing my choices. It meant taking back my power when I don’t feel in control. A realization that gives me those soulful goosybumps, as I recall my reike session not long after Dad and Christie’s death. Validating my need to work around my solar plexus, because my work will involve supporting the personal empowerment of others, which validated my pull towards Uluru, which is Gaia’s solar plexus.

Flowing with Universal energies is how the Full Moon illuminates our truth.

So, what surfaced for me this Full Moon in Libra?

Well, on the lead up to the Full Moon I noticed an increase in my craving for other, which led to some shady behaviours. I noticed how my habitual pattern to reach out and/or attract male attention is a resistance to go deeper into the discomforts. So, I leaned into the resistance with a little more curiosity. Noticing whenever I was confronted with another rule that served to restrict me, I felt the tension. Although I understand the need for infection control guidelines to protect our vulnerable, I’m reactive to the rules.

So, I asked myself …

Why do I feel like I’m stepping back in time?

Why do I feel like my civil rights are being taken away from me?

Why do I feel angry, defensive and afraid?

Why do I feel the need to rebel?

Why do I feel the need to fight for my freedom?

I needed to acknowledge how experiences from the past was triggering my deepest fear. History was pulling on my attention because I needed to look at what I was the most afraid of. I needed to see how and why wars were fought. To feel the painful devastation of mass destruction, that is happening on a global scale in the here and NOW.

We have every reason to be afraid !!!

A friend sent me a video of a news report this morning. It talked about how China is benefiting from this pandemic and the suspicions about their plans for world domination. It triggered the unsettled feeling I’ve had in my guts since the news of COVID-19. The fear that if we don’t stay focused on creating the NEW, we will suffer the consequences of political control and manipulation.

I began researching what scientists say coronavirus is and the source of its creation, and continued to look back on historical tensions between China and America. While writing about COVID-19 and the political directions, I was interrupted and wrote …

NOW isn’t the time to separate in blame, panic or fear, but to inform ourselves and protect each other. Respecting infection control guidelines to protect the vulnerable but exposing the healthy for immunity. Don’t fear it. Have faith in your healthy body’s ability to heal itself. Our gaze should be on the government, but NOT to blame. To understand their agendas because like it or not, they don’t just think of the people.

It can be argued that this was just my own mind changing course (as it does), or was it divine intervention? Regardless if it was my higher self or an angel whispering in my ear, it redirected my focus in the direction of LOVE.

As a light worker, I surrender to the call to serve my highest good and the Greater good of ALL, which means choosing LOVE. Surrendering to the call to serve the light means choosing love, but not without acknowledging the fear (personal and collective). I stay in the light to serve love during dark times, not by being Little Miss Sunshine, but by being true to myself. The truth is I can’t see what lies ahead of us during these times of uncertainty. I just know I need to keep trusting the call to BE the LOVE and share the LIGHT.

I share my thoughts, feelings and process because I hope it offers insights into how our fear, resistance, tensions and conflicts creates our shadow, that manifests the darkness (internal and external).

A Universal truth is …

Life is about change and we suffer when we resist this truth. Like Nature, we are created to flow through our seasons, transition through our cycles, heal our wounds, grow from our losses, transform and evolve. That is the meaning of life, but the truth we attach to it will depend upon our individual stories, that are either motivated by love or fear. These are the polarities we must learn how to integrate within ourselves, otherwise we unconsciously keep reacting from a place of craving for the positive and aversion for the negative.

It’s only then, from this integrated place that we will begin to fully flow and live the reality of our truth (good and bad). Although I’ve come to this realization, I’m trying to show how I still feel the resistance and confront the choice to either react from fear of love. Every day and in every moment, we are given a choice to either stand in the light and choose love (or) withdraw into our shadow and react from fear. I serve my highest good by continually asking myself …

What would love do?

And I allow those answers to guide me.

By sharing my own resistance, I hope this helps to shine a little light on your own fear responses. These are challenging times, but it’s also an opportunity for the kinda change that usually takes decades. So, lets not waste it.

During times of uncertainty, I frequently ask myself and am now asking YOU

How are you feeling?
What are you thinking?

These are uncertain times for us all, which is why I’m sharing my thoughts and feelings. As I dive a little deeper, I’m being a little more honest and open about how I reacted to news of COVID 19 and the current restrictions.

When I first heard the breaking news, I felt the niggling sensation of doubt, which tickled my curiosity. I wondered, why this and why now? Wonderings that wanted to know the truth behind the source of its creation and who would be benefiting the most from this global pandemic. My mind gravitated towards the political agendas, which triggered my fear because I felt like my newfound sense of freedom was under threat. As the days unfolded, I began to feel the bitter sting of resentment because once again life feels unfair. It seems every time I finally get a grip on reality as it IS and whenever I adjust to another major life change, life delivers yet another curve ball to remind me.

“Change is inevitable. Growth is intentional”. (Glenda Cloud).

Hmmmmm … why do such insights still piss me off ???

I spent the last 2 months in Chenrezig, contemplating why I felt stuck. By confronting the source of my agitation I came face to face with my resistance, and gained deeper insight into the nature of my own mind.

But what do I mean by that ???

Well, I already know I struggle with heat and humidity because my body temperature has always ran hot and I’m perimenopausal, which is why it didn’t really make sense to find myself working in a hot kitchen, during the hottest time of year in Queensland, in the humidity of the mountains (or) perhaps it made perfect sense. I was in a constant state of physical discomfort, which is what activated my agitated state of mind and then attracted the “Tormentors” (aka March flies). The longer I sat with my discomfort, the deeper I explored my agitation, the more I talked about my irritation, the more I understood my frustration. I noticed how I was becoming impatient with grief and therefore resisting the need to sit with my pain and suffering.

“It isn’t impermanence that makes us suffer, its wanting things to be permanent when they are not” (Nhat Hanh).

I sat with the full intensity of my insecurities and uncertainties and accepted the heart-breaking reality of what IS. Acknowledging that my life has never been about security or settling. Accepting that my gypsy soul needs to wander as part of my healing process and soul purpose. So. I left Chenrezig feeling a little more certain of my direction, only to find myself stepping back into society during a time of even GREATER uncertainty. After going through my own personal apocalyptic experience, I now find myself in a global Armageddon.

What the actual FUCK ???

I felt a mixture of frustration and concern when the government started to tell us to stay home to reduce the spread of infection. My home is in the form of a rented camper van because my bohemian spirit wants to wander, but I’m being told to not wander. After battling with myself for a few days, I thought, it’s OK I can camp in National Parks and still have the adventure and experiences I need to have, but then that option was taken away too. Having trained as a nurse, I know the importance of preventing the spread of infection to protect the vulnerable, but my inner rebel also reacts to being told what she can and can’t do from authority figures. Although I agree with the necessary restrictions, I still feel oppressed and uneasy about the unforeseeable future that lies ahead of us.

That’s when I noticed how my thoughts were consumed with what I couldn’t or didn’t want to do. So, I began to lean into the tension without resisting what was arising, by observing how I was reacting to what I was thinking.

Questions arose and I’m going to share my answers …

Why am I struggling?
Because life has thrown me yet another curve ball

What am I holding onto?
My sense of freedom

Why do I feel like I’m living someone else’s life?
Because I don’t feel in control

Who is making me feel like a burden or an intruder?
Myself, because I’m not living my own life on my own terms in my own way

How do I really feel about life not going to plan or as hoped AGAIN?
PISSED OFF !!!

What am I most afraid of?
Being controlled and manipulated by the forces I seek liberation from

More questions arose …

What if the collective unconsciousness is manifesting for a reason?
How can this challenging experience serve our healing and growth?
Have I learned anything of value that I can now share with others?

Hmmmmm … one would hope I’ve learned something

Over the last (3) years my family and I frequently put ourselves in lock down to protect our parents from infection, to prioritise their end of life care and to privilege our need to mourn. So, isolation and solitude aren’t anything new for us, but I thought those times were behind us. My sisters and I went through things that challenged us to dig deeper, which meant different things for each of us. For me, it meant digging deeper into the roots of my foundation, to explore my sense of security. My life has been full of detours, roadblocks, U-turns and roundabouts, so I understand the meaning of impermanence, but I now find myself in groundlessness. Although safe in my sisters home, I feel a strong desire to retreat deeper into Nature, so I’m feeling a little confused.

Why would I want to leave the safety?
What is calling me deeper into Nature?
How can I heed the call without putting others at risk?

Thoughts and emotions continue to flow through me, while my energetic body feels kinda suspended. Hovering above shaky ground in a state of levitation. As if an upward force is counteracting the pull of gravity, so I neither fall nor fly. Instead of falling apart, breaking open or running away I’m being called to focus on how I can remain balanced and fully present in the moments.

When our parents were diagnosed with incurable cancer within 8 months of each other, I struggled with reality because what I had feared most had manifested. Sometimes it felt like I was living in an alternate reality, as if we were actors playing a part in a story that someone else was writing. Sometimes it felt like I was having an out of body experience. My mind would switch off, my heart would close for repair and/or my soul would temporarily step out for a break. Staying completely present in some moments wasn’t always easy for me to do, which is what contributed to my experiences of PTSD. I believe traumatic memories resurfaced because I hadn’t fully processed, felt and released them.

Why am I sharing something from my past ???

Because once again I’m struggling with reality and know I’m not alone.

Although I wasn’t officially diagnosed with PTSD, I recognized the symptoms. No, I didn’t google it, I’ve actively studied (undergraduate degree in psychology and post graduate degree in counselling), and worked with mental health in Aged Care for 20 years.  But instead of going to the Doctor for a mental health referral, I trusted my own inner guidance. Asking myself what I needed, listening to my inner Medicine Woman, who led me towards the experiences and support I needed: Spending more time in Nature to reconnect. Seeking solitude to read through Mam’s journals and dive deeper into the depths of my own psyche. Using energetic therapies such as crystals, reiki and kinesiology, to clear blockages and align my energetic BEing of rainbow light. Seeking refuge in a Buddhist Institute of Learning, to better understand the nature of my own mind and reading books on the topics that interested me. Experiences that helped me to expand upon my understanding of grief and PTSD.

Cancer, death, grief and loss have guided me deeper and deeper on the road less travelled. A path I keep trusting even when I don’t always understand it. During times of chaos I focus on integrating psychological growth and spiritual attunement, to access intuitive guidance because its how I expand my consciousness. I do this because I no longer believe a crisis is a problem to be solved, but our greatest opportunity for healing and growth. A psycho spiritual approach “engages the mind, body and spirit, moving beyond problematic life patterns and overcoming traumatic life experiences.” Expanding upon traditional theories, by accessing our higher consciousness through things like meditation, self-awareness, mindfulness and creative expression, which is why I keep trusting my inner guidance.

I refer back to my initial reaction to the COVID 19

Who can benefit the most from this global pandemic ???

And realize there is more to gain than loose from this challenging experience.

According to the star gazers this is a revolutionary time of spiritual awakening. Whatever the source of this virus was, it has created the conditions for change. Nature is healing and Universal energies are flowing. Although fate is written in the stars, our destiny depends upon the choices we make. We can choose to react from fear (or) love. We’ve already witnessed both the fear and love in action, so you know what I’m talking about.

So, I ask YOU …

Are you willing to dig deeper into your truth so you can BE the love we need? Are you open to accept the possibility that this pandemic is NOT the crisis we think it is, but an opportunity for healing and growth? Are you doing what needs to be done to benefit future generations? Are you willing to peel back the layers of your identity and discover the truth of your BEing?

I invite you to notice your response to those questions and explore any discomfort and/or resistance that arises within you.

As I learn more about my own mental health challenges, I’m able to share my own struggles with an ever-changing reality with a little more clarity. Sharing how my search for inner peace has led me towards accepting that pain and suffering cannot be eliminated, but must be felt in its entirety so it can be alchemized into the pure love it is.

Instead of resisting the tensions, conflicts, chaos and necessary changes that come with a crisis, lets learn how to relax into this global challenge. Focusing on the opportunity for healing and growth as the collective conscience we are. Because whether we like it or not, we are ALL in this together and we each have an important role to play.

What is my role?
What are my responsibilities?

The answer to those questions will vary depending on who we are

I’m finally grasping Einsteins theory of reality being an illusion because our version of reality depends upon how we perceive it, which usually has nothing to do with the actual truth. To see the truth of reality as it IS we must be willing to let go of any conclusions we have come to and fully surrender to the impermanence of life, which is scary. We are afraid to do this because it means letting go when we innately feel the need to hold on. It’s breaking the habits of a life time (sometimes several).

This is the road less travelled, that I and many others continue to walk. We are the social misfits who challenge what IS because we see and feel how the collective wounds impact upon our individual experiences. We are the wounded healers who are guided IN to heal our own wounds, so we can help others to BE the change our world needs.

I’m not sharing my thoughts and feelings to convince you what I believe is true, because my beliefs are informed by the experiences I have. Therefore, my beliefs also change and that is the point of my sharings.

“When we resist change its called suffering, but when we can completely let go and not struggle against it, when we can embrace the groundlessness of our situation and relax into its dynamic quality, that is called enlightenment.” (Pema Chodron).

Having already experienced the tensions between my inner masculine & feminine, and the conflicts that arise from my shadow (which is the suppressed parts of myself). I’m learning the importance of integrating our dualities.

“Wholeness isn’t achieved by cutting off a portion of ones being,
but by integration of the contraries.” (Carl Jung).

I’m learning how to navigate my inner world with a little more insight. So, I notice how often my conditioned mind, distorted thought patterns, coping strategies, defense mechanisms and habitual behaviours limit me. Although I’ve experienced a spiritual awakening, I noticed how my struggle with conflicting truths intensified after the death of our beloved Father and the unexpected death of a beloved soul sister … and I wondered WHY ?

Apparently, there are (7) stages of spiritual awakening.

1. Unhappiness and emptiness
2. Perception shifts
3. Seeking answers and meaning
4. Finding answers and experiencing breakthroughs
5. Disillusionment and feeling lost
6. Deeper inner work
7. Integration, expansion and JOY

I recognize that after Mams death, I was moving through stages (3) and (4). After Dads death, I was stuck in stage (5), which is WHY I came to Chenrezig to do the deeper inner work. Whether I believe I am a spiritual BEing having a human experience (or) a human BEing having a spiritual experience, I wasn’t feeling a wholeness in my BEing. I was experiencing myself as two separate parts, which created tension that was restricting my energy flow. Although my higher self has awoken to deeper truths, my habitual humanness still struggles to let go of dysfunctional thought patterns, unhealthy behavioural cycles and limited beliefs … and I wondered WHY ?

Before coming to Chenrezig I acknowledged, that although it was only a small step in the right direction, it somehow felt like I was taking a giant leap into my Faith. I suppose it made sense, considering I also acknowledged the need for more spiritual support. I came to Chenrezig because I was struggling with myself: I wasn’t where I wanted to be, I wasn’t doing what I wanted to do, and I wasn’t sure how to get to where I wanted to go. Like many others, I came seeking refuge, but didn’t really understand what that meant to me. I just knew that the help I needed was yet to be found.

I reflected over my grief process and wondered WHY I felt stuck ?

Grief isn’t just the sadness we feel because of what we have lost, it also guides us through our own process of change. Grief isn’t just a mourning experience, its also a transition and a NEW beginning for us. Everyone’s grief process is unique, so this is a little insight into mine. I felt the pain of my heart breaking the moment I was told of Mams diagnosis, which propelled me into a state of grief before we actually lost her. My experience of anticipatory grief took me on a very lonely journey. Throughout the dying process and after her death, my heart kept breaking open to deeper truths about love. Although I began to connect with her spirit a few days before her death, I still experienced the tensions in my heart. Tensions that guided me to certain places and people in the UK, that were instrumental to my healing, but my experience has been different with Dad.

When Dad was first diagnosed, I felt the tension in my head because I had a mental response, instead of an emotional reaction. I was conflicted between going ahead with my plans to move to the UK (or) to put my plans on hold. Throughout the dying process and after his death, I continued to experience the tension in my head. Some people believe its because I haven’t been able to fully feel the pain of my loss, but I disagree. I still feel the waves of sadness in my heart, but I know it wasn’t my heart that needed to break open.

I knew the persistent tension in my head was a resistance in my mind, but I couldn’t see what it was and I didn’t know how to shift it. So, I booked in for a reike session for some additional energetic support. During that session I didn’t tell her why I was there because I prefer people to be guided by spirit. Being intuitive, she picked up on the tension in my head, mentioned the need to energize my solar plexus and was overwhelmed by the openness of my heart chakra. She said she had never seen one like it before because it was crystallized … and I knew why.

I’ve come to my own realizations, but I’m not ready to share my story in its entirety just yet. I’ve already shared my thoughts about family as a system. How I see the Mother as being the heart and the Father as being the head. So it makes perfect sense to me, that the loss of our beloved Mother broke my heart open to deeper truths about love, and the loss of our beloved Father is opening my mind to deeper truths about life. As crazy as it may sound to some, I believe more than ever that our loss and healing is a collective experience. A belief that continues to guide me on the spiritual path I’m called to walk, and the process I keep trusting, even when I don’t always understand it.

My mind is still too agitated to be at peace, but I have found the teachings I need to achieve it. Buddhist teachings are heavily rooted in psychology and philosophy, which is what sets it a part from religion. It encourages us to know the nature of our own mind, helping us to recognize how an agitated mind creates suffering, which can then manifest into dis-orders and dis-ease. It was so validating to hear the Monk say this during a teaching, because I’ve been saying it for years. Buddhism is more interested in our current state of BEing, than what our faith based beliefs are, which is what appeals most to me. According to the Buddhist, an enlightened mind is fully present in the moment. Able to see the truth of reality as it really is without grasping, avoiding or attaching. If we are willing to be completely honest with ourselves, we will notice how often we mindlessly drift though our days on auto pilot, grasping, avoiding and attaching.

In hindsight, I wish I had studied Buddhism much earlier in life. Maybe I would have cared for our parents end of life with less anxiety? Perhaps I would have processed my grief with less trauma? But what if I had to experience the struggles to better understand my own suffering? Maybe this is all part of the healing process? Perhaps the experience is teaching me the skills I will need on the path? Maybe its guiding me towards my destiny?

I’ve been living and working at Chenrezig for 2 months and am so very grateful for the experience. The community not only opened its arms and embraced me, but the people have offered love, compassion and kindness, as they supported me though some very challenging times. I’ve met so many beautiful souls with open hearts and minds, learned some valuable lessons in the most unexpected ways, experienced a new way of BEing, which has opened up the path to so many more possibilities. I feel myself coming into alignment, as I integrate my spirit and dance with life once again. So, as I prepare myself to leave in a few days, I take the next steps with a stronger sense of faith in the journey.

I’ve been reflecting over why I keep reliving the same difficult memories that trigger uncomfortable emotions. Wondering why I keep finding myself confronting the same thoughts and feelings over and over again? I know grief comes in ebbs and flows, but I wonder why are some waves rougher than others?

I recall a conversation I had with a young man, who had been a little quieter than usual for a few days. While we were talking he shared the reason why he hadn’t been his usual self. It had been the anniversary of his Mum and Grandmothers death. He said “my soul was sleeping.”

His words stayed with me because they felt significant.

While chopping vegetables in the kitchen a few days later, my mind kept drifting away in reflection. To be honest I didn’t really want to be there because I felt tired and drained, from all the mental processing and emotional releasing the day before. Yet my mind was STILL active, as I thought about the images and memories that had overwhelmed me so much.

My greatest struggle is an inner conflict between two parts of myself …

BEing a human who experiences suffering
And a spiritual BEing who IS the love and light

How the fuck do I align these parts of myself ?

Which is WHY I’m here, in a Buddhist retreat seeking refuge.

Its not easy to BE fully present during the tragedies of loss, which is why some of us then struggle with the process of grief. My experience of PTSD keeps inviting me to relive the trauma because there’s a need to complete the process. To acknowledge how I really thought about the situation, allowing the emotions to rise and fall without suppressing them, until the energy eventually shifts.

Only then, will I be able to experience the RELEASE

I’ve already done this again and again and again, which is why I get so frustrated when things resurface. I know I’m a little harder on myself because I’ve studied and worked with grief and loss for 20 years. I understand that grief isn’t a process that begins when we loose our loved ones. The anticipation of our loss began the day Dad was diagnosed with incurable cancer (October 2016), so part of me is OVER IT already because I’ve been processing grief for over 3 years.

“When you’re ready to quit, you’re closer than you think”

My struggle the other day had been triggered by Granda’s anniversary and some conversations. It was the images of loved ones on death beds and in coffins that triggered my memories, which then brought rise to the wave of emotions. Its never easy to look upon unpleasant images, relive painful memories and feel uncomfortable emotions, even in reflection.

Its difficult to remain fully PRESENT with those experiences.

I wondered …

Why do we struggle to BE fully present in the moments?
Why do we not share what we truly think?
Why do we suppress our emotions?
Why do we shut ourselves off from an experience?
Why do we over react in other situations?

I acknowledge …

Some experiences automatically trigger out defense and coping mechanisms, which prevents us from being fully present in the moments. As I reflected over the images that trigger those reactions in me. I realize how part of my BEing was absent during those times. The times I had to think like a nurse and not feel like a daughter, which suppressed the full flow of my emotions. The times I wanted to break down, but had to keep going. The times when life felt surreal, as if I was having an out of body experience.

Sometimes our mind shuts down
Sometimes our heart closes
Sometimes our soul sleeps

I wondered …

Are the memories inviting me to BE fully present with them? To bring my mind, body and spirit in alignment, to experience the trauma as a whole BEing? 

Hmmmmmmm (she ponders)

Did you notice the flow of my writing in the previous blog ?

How I began writing about Granda, but then my thoughts wandered towards my need for intimacy, which is a great example of how we struggle to remain present with our pain. So, I reflected over my cravings yesterday …

My craving for intimacy was my need to be seen
My craving to be held was my need to feel comforted
My craving to fuck was my need to relieve tension
My craving to drink whiskey was my need to dull the mental anguish
My craving for chocolate was my need for feel good endorphins

Hmmmmmmm (she ponders)

Suffering is the experience of mental, physical or emotional pain, which none of us can prevent from happening because of the impermanence of life. We not only suffer the consequence of some of our own choices, but witnessing the pain and suffering of others can and does trigger our own suppressed pain. The root cause of our suffering is the struggle to rid ourselves of the discomfort, which we have been conditioned to do. By either suppressing our pain, putting our struggles into “perspective” by comparing them to others worse off, or seeking to satisfy our desires. All of which only creates perpetual cravings.

For example: a drug addict isn’t addicted to the drug, they use the drug to manage the pain and reduce their experience of suffering. But we don’t have to be a drug addict to engage in unhealthy behaviours that use substance to manage pain.

These are the cycles we need to break and the habits we need to change, if we want to change our relationship with grief and loss.

Today has been an illuminating kinda day …

Its no coincidence that the last 3 days have challenged me, which has been on the lead up to this months FULL MOON in Lilith, that meets Venus and Chiron. I have a strong connection with Lilith energy, that often conflicts with my inner Aphrodite. Chiron is known in astrology as “the Wounded Healer,”effecting all aspects of wellness (our physical health, mental health, emotions, spirituality).”

After my revelations I walked back to the vollie house in the rain. I found myself a nice soft spot on the grass to meditate, and sat in the rain for a while. As the rain fell upon me, I felt cleansed and renewed.

Don’t forget to put out your crystals 🌖🌕🌔

 

 

I woke early this morning, after a restless nights sleep. Granda was on my mind because its his birthday today (7th Feb). We were fortunate to grow up with all of our Grandparents and I loved them all equally, but I had a special bond with my Granda. Sadly, he was diagnosed with liver cancer and died the day before his birthday (6th Feb) in the year 2000. Although its been 20 years since he died, it triggered memories I didn’t want to see. So, I got dressed and headed out. As I walked up the hill, I stopped to take a photo of the water cascading down the hill over the rocks. I thought about how much I wanted to share the beauty with my Mam, knowing how much she would appreciate it, which triggered other memories. I didn’t want to look back, but it felt like the past was walking right behind me and I was struggling to stay ahead of it.

My body may have been sitting in the Big Love Cafe, but I was back in the UK, reliving the moments. I recalled seeing Granda’s birthday cards, that my Aunt and Uncle had brought back from the hospital. There were splodges on the card I had sent him and I wondered if they were his tears. An image that still breaks my heart to think about. Although my parents and I went back to the UK, we never got the opportunity to say goodbye because he died a few days before we arrived. I wanted so badly to see his smiling face and hug him one more time, but instead I seen his lifeless corpse in a coffin.

And that’s when I began to unravel …

Visions of Mam, Dad and Christie on their death beds. Memories of our parents final weeks, days, hours and moments. There was no escaping the past because it was right there swimming around in my mind, as if I was watching it on a TV screen. I tried to fight back the tears, but the fluid just oozed from my nose instead. The only place I could find privacy was in the toilet, so I shut myself in and silently cried as the images relentlessly persisted. There was too much going on in my head and heart to be able to put on a mask and go on shift. So, I returned to the Cafe with blood shot eyes, to tell the cook that I couldn’t be there today. The look of genuine concern on his and my fellow vollies faces told me that I must have looked as bad as I was feeling.

I decided to go to the Garden of Enlightenment because it was raining and knew it would be quiet. When I got there I took off my soggy shoes and socks because I needed to feel grounded and tried to meditate, but felt too tired to focus my mind. So, I picked up the phone and called my sister. I tried to tell her how I was feeling, but I couldn’t get the words out because I was choking on my tears, so I hung up.

I recalled my conversation with the Nun yesterday, who commented again about the complexity of my grief and I was cranky. Why the fuck does she keep reminding me how fucking traumatic it was? Why the fuck does she want me to remember how fucking hard it was? She keeps talking about getting under my words and I know she means the pain I’m still sitting on. Well, here it is. The images I keep trying so hard to push out of my mind keep returning to be seen. I know its because emotions are still attached to them, but I’ve already felt these feelings before. So why do they keep coming back to be felt? Will I ever be able to watch the story unfold and not feel the sorrow? Am I gonna be haunted by these memories forever? How can I heal from something that keeps replaying in my mind? Who the fuck holds the remote control to my thoughts?

When the flow of thought and emotion finally calmed, I called my sister back and we talked for over an hour. While we were talking I noticed the face of a whale in the tree in front of me. His kind eyes and gentle smile was comforting.

“Whales are associated with compassion and solitude. Knowledge of both life and death. When the whale enters your life, it may be time to closely examine where you are, the actions and emotions that have brought you to this point, and what you can do to alleviate existing drama and unrest and find peace.”

Well, that’s part of the reason why I’m here !!!

After our conversation I wandered back to the vollie house, which was busy. So, I had a long hot shower, then locked myself in the bedroom. I cried and slept most of the day because I wanted to feel the closeness of another human being. I wanted to be held and touched, but I was alone.

Why do I keep finding myself alone in these moments of vulnerability?
Why don’t I have someone to hold me and tell me everything will be OK?

When I finally had the house to myself, I opened up the door to let some fresh air in, lit the incense, put on some shamanic music and picked up my drum. I wanted to rip off my clothes, stand out in the rain and howl at the heavens, as I felt a primal rush of energy flowing through me. Although I crave the tenderness of love, I wanted to fuck and be fucked. Urges I haven’t and cant fully satisfy, so they continue to be suppressed. I’m abstaining from many things, mindful masturbation included, which is having an impact on me. On days like today the path to so called “enlightenment” is a fucking struggle.