This time last year we were living a nightmare. Updates were challenging to write because our parents didn’t want us to share the brutal truth with you all. Something that caused me great discomfort. Some read between the lines, knowing what wasn’t being said, while others were oblivious to our daily struggle. The brutal truth was, the cancer Mam had was aggressive and we all knew it from the get go, Mam included, but our parents choose to focus on the fight.

A fight that brought me tension and conflict, which is why I’m sharing.

There’s a system in place in emergency, which contributed to Mam’s pain cisis. The Palliative team warned us about this, but Mam refused to transition into Dove after her hip operation. Refusing to confront the brutal truth, that we had already reached the end of life too damn soon. A truth no one was ready to accept.

In hindsight, if we had transitioned to Dove after the hip op before going home, Mam could have presented to Dove for prompt treatment when she became symptomatic after the chemo. But instead we were forced to go to emergency, where we had to follow “procedure”

It was a pain crisis that still hurts to think about. NOTHING can compare you for seeing your Mam crying out in extreme pain, seeing your Dads heart break when Doctors tell him the fight is over, seeing your sisters trying to hold it together as their hearts break and hearing your Mam pleading “please dont give up on me” when you’re all fighting harder than ever to keep her alive for as long as you can 💔

It was a day, that’s been etched into the fabric of my heart 💔 I had a vision of that hospital scene weeks after Mam’s diagnosis, during a meditation in the UK. It was a vision that literally brought me down to my knees. As I wept into the carpet of my client’s front room, I felt overwhelming grief and rage, even tho Mam was still alive. I told myself it was only my mind taking me to my fear, but I knew intuition was guiding me.

In reflection, as I stood around the hospital bed observing my family, it felt like I was having an out of body experience. I felt everything yet nothing. I remember hugging Mam and saying “its time to stop fighting but you still have control over how you want to die” words that felt so very wrong to say, but the words needed to be spoken. We could no longer deny the brutality of our truth. Treatments were NOT giving Mam more time like we had hoped, they were bringing her life to an end quicker 💔

The only way I could cope was to focus on what Mams last wishes were. To die at home, surrounded by family and friends, with NO pain. So, a transition into Dove was essential, but no one was ready to confront that reality.

My sister and I listened to our guts, knowing if we didnt get out of the hospital system, then Mam’s death would be very different to her last wishes. None of us wanted Mam to go to Dove because it was taking that next step. The step into a different reality, where we were no longer holding onto hope for a miracle, but we were accepting death 💔

The first night in Dove has also been etched into the fabric of my heart, because it was the night I felt the burden of my family’s fear 💔

A burden I carried because I felt responsible. The transition into Dove happened much quicker than my family was ready for. When we told Palliative, they had a bed and ambulance transfer arranged within hours. In any other circumstance we would be grateful for prompt service, but I suppose it all depends on the destination.

Mam is only here so we can get her home

Is what I told myself as I walked away from my parents that night. After kissing them both goodnight, reassuring them that tomorrow they would be in a much nicer room. That they only had to be in the small shared room, with the dying man for one night. That its only because we’ve admitted at 9pm and tomorrow they’ll have their own room. That it was only for afew days to get pain sorted, so we can get home.

Mam is only here so we can get her home

Is what I told my sister as I comforted her in the hallway. She was pacing back and forth, demanding that we take Mam back to the hospital. Distressed about leaving Mam in a place that felt like death.

Mam is only there so we can get her home

Is what I told myself as I lay in my bed that night, alone in the dark, with my thoughts and a heavy broken heart, thudding in my chest.

That night we all faced the brutal reality of what was … that Mam was dying 💔

The mountain was calling me ❤

I wandered up Ngungun to indulge in some solitude and meditation. I love climbing in the rain because not many others go then, so it’s an opportunity to be alone with the mountain.

The energy is warm and inviting when it rains, which is when I usually hear her calling me.

Today, there was no hurry to reach the top. So I stopped to hug some of my old friends. My old mate, Twist always enjoys an embrace. I was instinctively drawn to two other trees. To place my forehead against their trunks (my 3rd eye).

As strange as it may sound to some, one tree just wanted to say hello and the other had something to share. The instant my forehead connected with his trunk, I felt my 3rd eye open

If you’ve never hugged a tree before, then I invite you to wrap your arms around the soft trunk of a tree. Press your chest against him/her and feel the exchange of energy. If you linger long enough your heart beats will connect. You see, ALL living things share the same heartbeat of Nature. Because we are ALL connected to the same Source of Creation 💚

At the top of the mountain, I was alone with the flow of my thoughts and feelings. I leaned back against the rock and soon laid down upon her.

As the wind blew around me and the rain kissed my skin, I allowed my thoughts and feelings to rise and fall, until there was a silence that spoke to me. Unspoken words that communicated with my inner knowing. I was overwhelmed by the immense beauty of life.

A strong sense of spirit caused my heart to cry tears of joy. I drifted between worlds for afew moments. There was no worries of slipping on the wet surface, because I pretty much floated back down the mountain in a state of bliss.

Then I drove my soggy butt to my sisters to pick up my son. Drove him home, hugged all 3 of my cubs and headed back Yam to Dad.

As I share this with you, I smile 😊 because facebook tagged Mam in one of my pictures. I knew she was with me because I felt her ❤

This morning Keza and I put on our rainbow socks, to walk for Mental Health.

My interest in Mental Health goes beyond my profession. I’ve personally suffered from Depression, Panic Attacks and Anxiety. I’ve been diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder, but not because I had it. To get the rebate I needed for additional support, I had to tick boxes.

Hmmmmm she ponders 🤔

As a woman of extremes, I could tick afew Bipolar boxes. Being a woman with a wild imagination who drifts between worlds, I could tick afew Schizophrenia boxes. Being a woman who dives in deep to explore herself, I could tick a few Personality Disorder boxes. Being a woman in tune with the flow of Nature and Universe, I most certainly would have been burnt at the stake years ago, along with all the other “hysterical women and witches.”

Fortunately we are living in different times and I refuse to be labelled and confined by boxes !!!

Truth is, we ALL have a mind and at times it can malfunction. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again and again, our mind is like a computer.

But we are so much more than what we think and how we feel. I believe we are beings of love and light, having a human experience, here to realize our true potential. A perception that’s helping me to break free from the limitations of my mind, and experience life more fully.

Sure, some of you may “think” I’m crazy, and I’m learning how to be OK with that.

I talk honestly and openly about my thoughts and feelings about my concerns, conflicts and challenges because I believe it matters. And I share my own processes because I hope it helps others to explore their own limitations.

Mental health matters 💜

Sometimes I wonder …

Why am I so damn curious ???

Why do I articulate my thoughts so honestly?
Why do I express my emotions so openly?
Why do I voice my concerns so unreservedly?
Why do I talk about my challenges so publicly?
Why do I reveal my wounds so unashamedly?
Why do I proclaim my desires so overtly?
Why do I expose my fears so explicitly?
Why do I want to share my words so truthfully?

Over the years, I’ve asked my parents what kind of child I was, curious to know who was I before the world told me who I should be?

As a child I was curious about everything and asked alot of questions. My personality was overt and open. I shared my thoughts and expressed my emotions without fear. Some of my “shameless” behaviours challenged those around me. I demanded attention and loved an audience. I thrived from new experiences and needed to share anything I learned with those around me. I was a little miss bossy boots with a whole lota attitude and confidence. I had a vivid imagination and loved to listen to stories that were full of magic and wonderment.

Kinda sounds like the woman I’m becoming. So what happened to her ???

She was taught stuff by people who knew stuff. She learned who she should be and what she should do. She seen and heard stuff that fed her fears and experienced hurtful stuff that broke her.

Once upon a time, I used to believe my TOO muchness was wrong, but now I know better. I’m unlearning what I was taught and reconnecting with my truth.

It’s not easy to be who we really are, in a world where we’re told who we should be and what we should be doing. It’s not easy showing up in a patriarchal world as a fearless and shameless woman. But for someone like me, its so much harder not being who I really am.

Some of us are here to bleed and burn while others witness. In the days of old, we were the witches being burned at the stake. Our crime was being who we really were, which was WOMAN. Today, we are the free thinkers, the truth seekers and the writers. The bridge between worlds, here to show up and be seen. Shining a light in the dark 🌟

What is or has been YOUR darkest time?

Instead of journalling, I’m blogging an inner process. Sharing some thoughts and feelings about my darkest time.

When we loose someone we love, we miss them. We move through the painful process of grief, learning how to live with our special someone in spirit. We miss their physical presence so much it causes us physical discomfort, and at times pain.

As I flow with loss, I sometimes feel stuck in my suffering. It’s true what they say, we fight to hold on and to let go.

Who am I holding onto?

My Mam 💔

When Mam died my heart broke and my mind haunted me with memories of her unexpected diagnosis, rapid decline and end of life process. I struggled to let go of what was, at times its hard to fully feel the reality of what is and facing a future without her is upsetting.

Although I believe that death isn’t the end and Mam is with us in spirit. I’m still processing what happened, grieving the loss of her, trying to accept what was, coming to terms with what is and learning how to live without her.

Challenges are aplenty !!!

Staying in my parents home, where Mam is everywhere yet nowhere, challenges me. Caring for Dad when I’m alone, challenges me. The changes to our family structure and functioning, challenges me. Going back to a caring role in Nursing Homes, challenges me. Being seperated from the man I love,  challenges me. Having my life in the UK on hold, challenges me. Waiting for something I don’t want to happen, challenges me.

Mam’s death has changed EVERYTHING

As I flow with loss, I sense a part of me still holds on, struggling to let her go.

So, I meditate …

Which part of me is holding onto you?

I have a vision in my minds eye of my inner child. She’s sitting on the floor with her chin resting upon her knees.

She’s lost and afraid.

My inner child is the most vulnerable part of myself, who believes that she needs her Mother to survive in this world. So, I give her a voice, allow her to speak, I listen and write …

“My first home on this planet was inside of your belly. You nourished and nurtured me until I was born. As a child you kept me safe from harm. As a young girl you guided me. As I matured you gave me unconditional love and support, through all of my life’s challenges. And now you’ve abandoned me, left me alone when I need you the most. I’m forced to face my greatest challenge without your guidance, and I’m going through my greatest loss without your support, because YOU are the one I have lost.”

I dove a little deeper …

What am I still holding onto?

My Mam was ALWAYS there for me, even when I didn’t want her to be. She was my biggest critic and my greatest supporter. She helped me to believe in myself and my dreams. It took me years to finally grow my wings and venture off into the world alone. Following my heart and trusting the journey, just as I had been called to do. And for what ?

I’m angry with Universe !!!

Wasn’t it enough to surrender to the call?
Wasn’t it enough to leave the life I knew?
Wasn’t it enough to explore possibilities?
Wasn’t it enough to limit Dad’s life?

Why did you take Mam away from us?

Nothing is the same anymore
Everything is different
Nothing is certain
Everything is possible

And I’m afraid of what else is possible !!!

I’m afraid of staying and loosing myself
I’m afraid to go and loosing my Dad

Acknowledging the fear loosens the power it has over me. Releasing myself from the limitations of my mind, enables me to FEEL the truth in my hurting heart

I cry and feel the RELEASE

Confronting the reality of what is feels a little lighter and there’s a SHIFT.

“We don’t become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious” (Carl Jung)

Darkness isn’t something to be feared.

It’s the absence of love and light, where we feel the most afraid. Unknown aspects of consciousness, where our fears feed.

We become enlightened by fully comprehending a situation, which is why I consciously choose to do the inner work. Exploring my beliefs, thoughts, emotions, energy flow and triggers.

This is MY healing process ❤

We have the capacity to change our life with a simple shift in perspective.

What’s changing in my life?

My happiness is no longer dependant upon who I’m with or where I am. I am happiest when I’m living and expressing MY truth. I feel the love in ALL of my emotions and experiences because I am living my true soul purpose 🌟

We enlighten ourselves by …

🌟 Accepting there is no escape from ourself (drugs, sex, alcohol, food)

🌟 Consciously reducing our attachment to material comforts and relationship dependancies

🌟 BEING the love we seek from others

🌟 FEELING life as it unfolds because this is our journey to learn and grow from

🌟 BELIEVING in our dreams and creating our life how we want it to be

I’m grateful to those who trigger me because it guides me to unhealed parts of myself. I openly express myself because that’s what love does. I share my process, to guide others inwards, towards the source of their own healing ❤

Come dip your toes in the depth of my mind 😊

These are the 7 stages of spiritual alchemy, which is the process I keep trusting. I dive in and do the inner work because its how I give depth to my stories. Challenging experiences become opportunities to hone my craft of writing because I know the alchemy of words.

1) CALCINATION

The breaking down parts of self, to explore what’s beneath our ego, self doubt, pride, self sabotage, stubbornness and arrogance etc.

2) DISSOLUTION

Once we acknowledge the + and – aspects of self, we free ourselves from a false sense of self. We realize how our inability to take full responsibility for our flaws and faults, tensions and conflicts have effected us and others.

3) SEPARATION

We become more aware of what we’re doing  (avoidance patterns, habits and behviours). We become more authentic, honestly experiencing our anger, frustrations and disappointments of self and other … This is our shadow work.

4) CONJUNCTION

All of our unconscious thoughts and feelings come to the surface. From the darkness into the light of our awareness. We begin to truly accept ALL parts of our authentic self.

5) FERMENTATION

The process of rebirth as parts of our old personality decomposes and we begin to experience moments of a more refined self. This is the dark night of our soul, when symptoms of depression can be experienced. A deep rest as we dive IN to acknowledge our inner changes. We let go of aspects of self that no longer serve the way we now see the world.

6) DISTILLATION

We integrate our spiritual realizations into our lives. The more we practice the process of death and rebirth in the present moment without reverting back into old habits, we begin to experience profound transformation.

7) COAGULATION

We free ourselves from the confines of our mind and allow our consciousness (our soul) to connect with spirit. A connection between opposites (life/death, (+)/(-), heaven/hell, light/dark), where existance becomes self aware. The physical Universe is no longer seperate from mind or spirit, but a reflection of it.

Alchemy’s greatest achievement is to create an interrelationship between mind and matter.

An Alchemist is the bridge between worlds

Alchemy is science of the heart ❤

This week’s been a rollercoaster ride 😜

Dad’s doing GOOD 👍😊 but I’ve been struggling with myself because I confronted afew challenges, that triggered my fear.

So, what has been coming up for me ?

• Reliving Mam’s end of life process
• Afraid of loosing Dad
• Long distance relationship challenges
• Unexpected breast lump
• Nursing Home frustrations resurfaced
• Feeling unwell with cold & flu symptoms

So, I choose to explore the limitations that were keeping me stuck in the struggle. Seeking the opportunity to learn and grow from my challenges. This weekend I worked through Kyle Cease’s “The Limitation Game: Interactive,” which was created from a 2 day workshop.

The aim: to release ourselves from the old stories based on our limiting beliefs, that pull us back into our head (thoughts), preventing us from fully living & creating from heart (feeling)

Approximately 12 hours of video footage, guided meditations and lotsa self reflection, which has been intense and INSIGHTFUL 💡

… and FUN 👍😁

It’s amazing what SHIFTS when we choose to dive IN during our challenging circumstances.

Staying open hearted and communicating from that space changes EVERYTHING ❤

There’s something rising within me 🌟

Sometimes the struggle is very real
Sometimes we fail and loose the battle
Sometimes we stress and burn out
Sometimes we fall apart and break open
Sometimes we are forced to REST

We are human BEINGS who can and will experience ALL of this …

BE completely honest with yourself
BE gentle with yourself & others
Take time out for YOU
Pay attention to your thoughts
Express yourself
Release your emotions
Be mindful about what you’re doing
Nourish and rest your mind, body & soul
Do something creative
Meditate more often
Get outside in Nature … she heals ❤
Seek out support
Maintain healthy boundaries
Trust your heart
Follow your passion
Live YOUR truth
Say NO !!! without apology
Say YES !!! without fear
Learn new skills to cope with change
See challenges as opportunities to grow
Share your experiences with others
Help others to get unstuck
Support each others healing

How do YOU seek balance ?

Growth is like birthing …

We can either resist what IS by fighting to hold onto something/one that wants to be released, which creates more suffering (or) we can surrender to what IS, let go, breathe into the pain and OPEN up our hearts like a lotus flower

Truth is, nothing that anyone does or doesn’t do is just about you. We’re all overcoming our fears, battling our demons, balancing our polarities and healing our wounds, so we can truly love ourselves and each other.

So, I let that thought open up my heart to feel compassion and forgive those who hurt me

Because that is what LOVE would do ❤

Today, my party tit (aka my left breast) has been poked, prodded and pressed …

Last week, I was told a change in density was found in my left breast from the mammogram. So further investigatation is routine procedure.

My sister joined me at the Breast Clinic for moral support, because I was feeling a tad anxious (thanks sis ❤). As usual we found plenty to giggle about though. Choosing which gown to wear was highly amusing. Exposing too much cleavage in one and afraid to lift my arms in another. When set free from a bra, my boobs tend to have a mind of their own 🤣

An ultrasound found x2 8mm cysts and a 7mm lump. So they drained the cysts and took a biopsy of the lump. A titanium clip has been placed in my breast, as a marker incase any surgerys needed in the future. I go back to the clinic on Thursday for the biopsy results.

Worst case scenario it’s cancer and they’ll book me in for surgery to remove it. Best case scenario it’s benign and annual mammograms will monitor it. So, as usual, I’m preparing myself for the worst, while hoping for the best.

Having gone through what we did with Mam and going what we’re going through with Dad, its easy to dismiss my own experience as being a minor hiccup. After all, the lumps only the size of a pea and its not life threatening.

However, I’d be lying to myself if I said, that the possibility of cancer being present in my body doesn’t bother me, however small it is.

My breast feels bloody sore from all the needle poking, ultrasound prodding and mammogram  pressing. But glad I listened to my instinct to ask for a mammogram and grateful they’ve found it early 🙏