Although I DO enjoy my work, I’ll be honest, I’ve been struggling to settle into this long contract and look forward to my time off. Yesterday I was struggling to be here and wanted to be elsewhere. But I was here, alone and forced to confront myself. I wrote about my challenges in my journal and don’t feel the need to share it. But I will say that I’m feeling the intense energy of this months NEW MOON 😜

Frustrations around not being where I want to be and uncertainty about the future, triggered some of my fears, poked at the sensitivities of my healing wounds and made me FEEL things.

Things that upset me
Things that hurt me
Things that I’m afraid of
Things that make me angry
Things that confuse me
Things that challenge me
Things that confront me
Things that are CHANGING me

I’m not always OK …Sometimes I’m a mess and I feel so very alone on my journey. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night and sometimes I need to howl at the moon …. and that’s OK !!!

For too long we’ve been silenced
Our truth has been hushed
We have hidden parts of ourselves
Shame and guilt eating us from the inside

Sit down
Shut up
Don’t make a fuss
Keep the peace
Be polite
Mind your manners
Think positive
Look for the good

NO !!!

It’s time to take FULL responsibility for our experiences. To OWN what we think and how we feel. To allow our tears to flow from the heart and our screams to bellow from the guts.

Don’t hide it
Don’t avoid it
Don’t fear it
And don’t you dare be ashamed of it !!!

FLOW with whatever rises for YOU because …

It’s how we shine light on our shadow.
It’s how we RELEASE what no longer serves us. It’s how we transcend the fear and RISE in love. It’s how we BALANCE our inner polarities
It’s how we HEAL ourselves ❤

On the journey there are times …

Times when we want to give up
Times when our hearts yearn for what and who’s missing from our lives
Times when we doubt ourselves
Times when our fears scream in the darkness
Times when we wonder if we’ll ever make it
Times when our uncertainties paralyze us
Times when we fall into the abyss of despair

But those are the times that keep moving us forward towards achieving our goals. Those are the times that strengthen our will and increase our determination. Those are the times when we communicate loudest with Universe. Those are the times when we hold the faith and keep BELIEVING in our dreams.

Embrace the journey ❤

I have no shame in admitting I enjoy both masturbation and sex. So, I'm always open to learn new skills and techniques to enhance pleasure. When this first popped up in my newsfeeds a couple of years ago. I had plans to explore it then, but was distracted by multiple other projects. So, when it popped up in my newsfeeds yesterday, I clicked, paid and started on the first technique last night.

What is it ?

It's a modern interactive learning tool, that teaches different masturbation techniques to enhance sexual pleasure for women. It's useful for both women and men, either single or in relationships. It's a great way to learn from the privacy of your own home …. and it's affordable !!!

£29 gives you information on 12 different masturbation techniques. You probably already use some of them, but the variations may offer a new and improved experience.

Each technique has a reading to describe it and 3 short videos from 3 different women, who share a variation on the same technique. The women then demonstrate it for you and their vagina is simulated, to give you the opportunity to virtually practice the technique. Then you try it out on yourself or together with your partner.

I like the way they've put this learning tool together. It's refreshing to see women openly talking about sexual pleasure. But for some, it may be a little confronting to look at and to virtually stimulate another woman's clitoras.

As a nurse I've lost count of how many genitalia I've seen, so it's just another learning tool. But as a women, I have and do fantasize. So the sexual component of this learning tool is arousing, so be prepared to feel stuff.

I believe we NEED more of this and less porn. Because this offers a much more realistic and loving approach to sex, which enhances pleasure, deepens intimacy and improves the quality of our relationships.

I'm sharing because I hope women want to explore their own bodies and learn how to increase their own pleasure without shame.

I'm sharing because I hope men want to learn and explore how to pleasure their lover, which ultimately increases pleasure for both.

I'm sharing because not everyone is comfortable talking about sex. So it's a non confrontational approach and it can be your own private journey to explore.

https://www.omgyes.com/login

You're welcome 😊 …. and ENJOY ❤

Sometimes I feel abit like a wild animal. A woman held captive by the limitations of her own mind for too long. So, the new found sense of freedom to explore and create can frighten me. As I step out of a familiar way of thinking, into the unknown parts of my consciousness.

What is freedom ?

For me, it’s breaking away from the old story, so I can flow towards creating a new one. It’s being totally unashamedly ME. It’s heeding the call to serve the greater good and realizing my fullest potential. It’s listening to the whisperings of sprit and my soul. It’s opening up my mind to different perspectives. It’s coming to deeper understandings and expanding my consciousness. It’s following my heart and staying open to love, even when it’s uncomfortable to do so. It’s being true to my own healing and growth. It’s sharing my kinda magic with the world. It’s creating new and wonderful realties. It’s trusting the process of change. It’s a journey I don’t always understand, but one I must take.

Truth is, when it comes to matters of the heart, I don’t always feel so bold and brave. There’s always a degree of fear and doubt whenever I walk the path, open up my heart and share my uglier, messier, conflicting and sometimes challenging truths. Yet, I do it anyways because I’m learning to trust the flow, as I drift a little more purposefully through life.

As I become more observant of my thoughts and more aware of my feelings as they flow. I notice how I’m often triggered into a state of fear, and how that then makes me feel and behave. Sometimes I don’t communicate my truth so well because like you, I’m an ongoing work in progress and forever learning about love and life.

My greatest challenge is flowing with my own truth, without falling into the despair of collective truth. This is the old story, that limits us and keeps us stuck in our grief and suffering because we focus on the loss. It’s a place where we “MISS” so more than the ones we love. It’s a state of mind that holds others and circumstance responsible for our own happiness. I believe this to be the source of our suffering and where we give our power to flow and create magic away.

As I flow a little more mindfully through my days, I acknowledge that in every moment, I have a choice to either feed my fears (or) shine my light and BE love. I accept that sometimes I choose fear because I need to go there. Appreciating thay my most challenging days have more to teach me than my good days.

Dad’s cancer diagnosis and the loss of Mam shattered my world and changed life as I once knew it. Living the life I am is changing how I experience myself in the world. How I think, percieve, feel and experience life is changing. As I release myself from the old story, a new one is guiding me. I’m learning to TRUST in love and life again and have more FAITH in Universe and the greater good.

As I sit in the garden with my client, reflecting over my life choices, my relationships and the conversations I have. I’m soaking up the sunshine, listening to the music playing, noticing my client’s light shining a little brighter every day and I’m reminded how our freedom to just BE who we are can influence others.

Mindful interaction ❤

Whatever it is thats holding you back LET that shit GO and fall into the abyss of the unknown. Embrace uncertainty for what it is, because when we SURRENDER to what IS happening and BECOME more present in the wonderfuls of NOW, we begin to truly LIVE in our moments. It’s in THAT space where anything and everything is possible 🌟 The MAGIC happens only when we leave our comfort zones. Our wildest dreams, greatest imaginations and deepest desires need SPACE to grow. Its TIME to walk away from the what was, the has been, the what ifs, the if onlys, the coulda, woulda, shoulda and the always will be. It’s TIME to step out and create YOUR own kinda magic …
          … What are YOU waiting for ?

YES !!! … No matter how much we improve our inner world, our brain is a thinking machine. So, thoughts pop up into our minds all the time.

I think of my brain as a computer …

Sometimes she needs rebooting
Sometimes she needs an anti virus
Sometimes she needs new software

But my brain, like the rest of my body isn’t who I am, its the vessel that my soul travels in.

Now the metaphysical theories are starting to make alot more sense to me.

If we imagine that our body is the ship and our soul is the captain navigating our journey. Then  it’s a little easier to understand and appreciate how our body communicates with us by physically manifesting “symptoms”.

If we attribute the “positive” or “negative” to our thoughts, then our experience will reflect that.

Our greatest challenge is learning how to become the observer of our mind …

Then we learn how to allow our thoughts to flow, without attaching to them. We learn to identify fear and love based thoughts. We learn to choose which thoughts limit us and which thoughts serve us. We learn to choose the kind of thinking that creates the reality we want.

It’s NOT about avoidance !!!

It’s seeing our bullshit for what it is
It’s being accountable for ourselves
It’s taking FULL responsibility for our experience
It’s diving IN and facing ourselves
It’s healing the wounds
It’s rising above our fears
It’s becoming more conscious.

It’s not rocket science, but creating magic does require some self awareness and mindfulness

Ohhh how I love learning the juicy stuff 😊

While in the tub, I browsed through some of my email folders, searching for something. I came across an email in my “HOLD” folder from Mam

She sent us all the first few chapters from the book she was writing, asking for feedback. I put it aside to read later … and forgot about it.

The waves of emotion flowing through me in that moment, was not grief

… but regret ☹

My sister and I had talked about this not long after Mam’s death. We felt bad for not reading it when she shared it with us. I guess we thought there was plenty of time to read it.

I cried as I opened the PDF, realizing that I can’t give her the feedback she had wanted. Sobbing when I read the opening paragraphs ….

”  When we are born our lives are an empty book, its up to us to fill the pages. From our first memory to every event contributing to each chapter of our life. Bringing forth precious memories to be treasured, passed on to future generations. In this book I would like to share some of my memories, which in turn will hopefully ignite memories of your own. Memories play such an important part of our lives from development, education and confidence, helping us solve problems along the way. Join me on this journey called life ”

And then this ….

” A Happy Ending depends on when you finish the story ! Yet maybe its when you realize that the story has just begun ! ”

I cry because Mam is in most of my memories in some way. I cry because I can’t make any more memories with her. I cry because her story ended far too fucking soon. I cry because I miss her story telling so much. I cry because she worked so damn hard on her book of memories for us. I cry because her words are now so very precious. I cry because I never appreciated that enough while she was alive.

I kept reading through the tears.

In chapter one she writes about her first life changing experience, at aged 5. A story we’ve heard many times before because Mam shared her memories with us often. A realization that all the people in the first chapter are no longer with us. Ma, Da, Uncle Bryan and now Mam 💔

A realization that reminds me how my own life seems to be moving so much faster. A thought pops into my mind “what if I run out of time” ?

………… breathe Tracey !!!!

Truth is, YES, I do have some regrets. But I live my life to the fullest because I would rather be learning lessons from the things I did do, than having regrets about the things I didn’t do.

So, I’m going to read some more of Mams chapters and I’ll probably cry some more.

Goodnight 🌟

Feeling a tad chuffed with myself for finally getting my ass into a size 18 jean. But instead of showing off with a flattering photo, I decided to keep it real. Because my marshmallow tummy still needs my oh so sexy bridget with handles knickers to give me less rolls. Instead of several, I have one mega muffin top. And when I sit down, I fear the button may pop off and someone could loose an eye.

Jokes aside, my weight gain and loss is never just about what I put into my mouth. It’s also about why I’m eating and how I’m feeling when I’m eating it. As a comfort eater, I either eat my emotions and suppress them (or) shovel in the food in attempts to soothe my woeful self.

Ain’t nothing healthy about that !!!

My eating habits have been changing over the years, but challenges are my biggest setbacks. As creatures of habit, we often fall back into unhealthier habits during stressful times. I’m learning how to be a little gentler with myself, but I still get annoyed when I go backwards. 

I refuse to jump on the scales because it only feeds my misery. But I guesstimate I gained around 10kg during those challenging months. Additional weight I couldn’t really afford to gain because I already had so much to loose. And before Mam’s diagnosis, I was loosing it and feeling so much better for it. Hence why I felt so shitful as the weight began to creep back on again.

My focus is how I’m feeling more than what I weigh. Mind you, I am looking forward to the day I jump onto the scales and see a number that makes me smile, instead of cringe.

YES, my body is soft and squishy, but I feel less ashamed of my body these days. I’m inspired by those who share their truth and I want to inspire others to do the same. I’ve always been able to see the beauty in others, and I’m finally beginning to see my own beautiful truth.

YES, the weight has been slowly coming off, but as it does, so do the emotions attached. And I notice how the more I release, the lighter I feel within myself. And the better I feel, the more self loving my choices are. It’s not really rocket science, but it’s so easy to get stuck.

Hence why I’m sharing this with you.

FAILURE and REJECTION hurts like a bitch !!! Truth is, none of us like change when it feels like it’s being forced upon us. Especially when it means loosing something/someone we love.

But WHAT IF we believed that things like fear, failure, rejection and pain were navigators sent to guide us ?

How would it change YOUR experience ?

Would you hold on a little less ?
Would you dive in a little more ?
Would you release your grip ?
Would you let go and flow ?

The only constant thing in life IS change

Accepting that is how I’m learning to trust the process of change. Becoming more aware of any thoughts attached to limiting beliefs, is how I’m learning to flow with a little more ease.

My greatest challenge when life is changing direction, is learning how to TRUST the process, stay OPEN to love, let go and FLOW with life ❤

The previous blog I wrote about wearing an incontinence pad, was supposed to be a confronting piece of writing. It was my intention to challenge attitudes about incontinence on purpose.

This blog will hopefully shed a little more light onto why I decided to DO and share something, that was considered by some, to be so gross and shocking.

You see, I’m all about having new experiences, to expand my perspective and deepen my understandings. Because I believe, although we can have compassion for others, we can only truly understand something if we have experienced it for ourselves.

Incontinence is a HUGE challenge for so many people. Most of my clients suffer from incontince. I have family members and friends who are incontinent. And as a Mother of 3, I have lost control over my own bladder. Yet this is a problem that most people don’t really want to talk about, because it’s “embarassing.”

Hence WHY I’m writing about it !!!

I strongly believe that the BIGGEST challenge of all, is the negative attitudes about incontinence, which in turn, is having a HUGE impact on the indivuals experience of incontinence.

On my very brief experiment, I noticed the reactions to what I shared. And it got me thinking about those people who suffer from incontinence, who need to wear pads on a daily basis. It got me wondering more about how it feels to urinate in a pad, especially while in the company of others or out in public. And it got me thinking about how many incontinent people are retreating from life and isolating themselves.

It’s my experiences and wonderings that usually motivate me to DO something. My menstral cycle was intense this month. The fasting and full moon brought my flow on earlier than expected. Hence why I wasn’t prepared and had no tampons in my bag. But I’m learning that going with the flow, is about recognizing the opportunities to do something different. Hence why I decided to wear my client’s incontinence pads for my menstral cycle this month.

But why the fuck would I want to ?

Well, over my 18 years of working with the elderly, I’ve had many conversations about the challenges of incontinence, but my understanding is still limited. So, I decided to open myself up, to fully experience the EMOTIONS of incontience and allow it to teach me.

YES, with a little apprehension, I did piddle in the pad and was VERY surprised by my own reaction.

The first emotion to flow was HORROR !!!

My collegue was in the other room with my client. And as the warm gush of urine began to flow, I was horrified to be feeling like I was pissing my pants. I instinctively felt around my crotch because it felt like the urine was leaking from the pad and flowing down my leg. Oh my gawd, what am I gonna do if I piss on the floor and my collegue walks through? I thought.

The next emotion to flow was DISGUST !!!

When my bladder was empty, I was left feeling relieved, yet disgusted with myself. You dirty bitch, you’ve just pissed your pants, I thought.

This emotion was soon followed by SHAME !!!

So, what did this experience teach me ?

First of all it taught me to appreciate my own continence and ability to use the toilet, which I am grateful for. It gave me deeper insight into how my confused client’s feel, which helps me to better understand and then respond to any behaviours that may arise.

It also reaffirms how our “negative” thoughts and emotions can either flow (or) be held onto.

Imagine, how many experiences we’ve had throughout our own life, that has brought feelings of shame. Take a moment to think about how often YOU may have unconsciously inflicted shame onto others. And I hope it helps you, as it does me. To become a little more aware of your own attitudes and are a little more mindful in your interactions with others.

Fortunately, my period stopped yesterday because I had a date with Dave. Although he embraces my kinda weird and wonderful. I did have conflicting thoughts and feelings about rocking up wearing a pull up pad 🤣