She sat in the garden, tears rolling down her cheeks, as she thought about how fucked up her life was. Since the death of her Mother, it felt like life was beginning to slowly suffocate her. She needed to run and hide, but to where ?
Since leaving her job in the UK and putting a hold on her plans, she had moved back into her parents home, in Australia. First, to help her sisters care for their dying Mother, then to offer support to their grieving Father. But recent tensions suggested that she was starting to bring more grief than support, which made her feel like a 44 year old burden. She hadn’t worked for the past 6 months, struggling to keep her bank balance out of the negative. Challenged with feelings of failure. Lost and uncertain about her future direction. She had no money, no home to call her own, not emotionally ready to return to live in care work in the UK, unable to support her kids in the way she should and unable to give the man she was loving what he truly deserved.
She was at her rockiest bottom EVER !!!
Consequence of her own choices made during the worst time of her life. Frustrated about feeling the weight of those choices, literally. Having regained the weight she had managed to lose when life didn’t feel so damn hard.
“Let life touch you and write,” she recognized the whisper as spirit. But all she felt like doing was finding a hole and hiding in it. She didn’t want to feel the discomfort of her conflictions. She couldn’t even make sense of it, let alone write about it. She desperately wanted to hybernate through this cold dark Winter of her soul, and wake up when the Summer sun returned to warm her troubled heart once again.
Truth was, there was nothing sunny about Miss Sunshine. Because she still couldn’t see past those stormy skies, that still lingered from the living nightmare they had just been through. She didn’t want to dwell in her misery, but she was still trying to come to terms with what had unfolded over the last year.
First, her Father’s cancer diagnosis in October, followed by his critical condition and time in ICU. Then her Mother’s cancer diagnosis in June, followed by her rapid decline and death in November. Haunted by images of her parents holding onto each other. A love so strong that it both warmed and broke her heart. Tortured by the final months of her Mother’s life “Why was life being so fucking cruel?” she pleaded.
She lowered her head and sobbed. Then the same crazy idea that had popped into her head, the day after her Mother’s funeral, came to mind again. But this time she didn’t talk herself out of it. She picked up the phone and messaged her ex husband. “Can I spend some time on your property.” And he replied “Yes.”
Within a few days she had gathered up some supplies and was on her way. A little apprehensive because it had been over 10 years since she was last there. And even then it was only for a brief visit. She knew it was an over grown 20 acres in the middle of nowhere, no electricity, limited phone reception and no water source in the heat of Summer. She knew it would be hot as fook during the day, black as dark at night and there would be all kinds of creatures, great and small.
Her ex told her that the caravan was infested with rats, so she took rat baits, bug bombs and some disinfectant. With plans to sleep in a tent unless the caravan was free of creatures. Family and friends seemed to gain great satisfaction in reminding her about the snakes and spiders she’d likely encounter. And her own fears were starting to surface. So, she began to mentally prepare herself, by expecting the worst, while hoping for the best. A state of being she had become all too familiar with, since her parent’s cancer diagnosis.
She set up camp at the top of the property, in a clearing, amongst the trees. She smiled, when she noticed how the clearing was a perfect fairy circle. The tent was positioned to the back and a tarp shade was tied to the trees on the right. Setting up the kitchen space underneath it. As she organized herself and unpacked her belongings, a white feather fell from her bag. A friend had picked it up the previous week and gave it to her, knowing how symbolic it was. She had shared how she had seen a large white cloud feather in the sky, three times since her Mother’s death. She smiled, knowing that it was her Mothers way of saying she was with her. Something that continued to offer a sense of comfort as she moved through her grief, adjusting to the loss and learning how to live without her.
During the day she lost herself in the beauty of Nature. Surrounded by a variety of butterflies that made her gasp everytime another splash of colour fluttered into her sight. The orange and black Monarch, the blue Tiger, the orange Lacewing and the Orchard Swallowtail. And a variety of other butterflies and moths that she was unable to identify, but fascinated every time a new splash of colour fluttered by.
Excitement tickled her whenever she heard and caught a glimpse of another bird. The Kookaburra, the black Cockatoo, the black and red Fairy Wren, the King Parrot and the Crow were the frequent fly bys.
The ghost gums stood out amongst the other native trees. Their smooth, sturdy trunks, branches that reached high and leaves that cascaded down, offering shade from the sweltering sun. The crickets sang in chorus, day and night. A variety of insects scampered across the gum leaves that covered the ground. The flys and wasps buzzed annoyingly around her head. And dusk and dawn brought the Wallaby and Kangaroo out to graze.
She pottered around the property wearing nothing but a smile. Enjoying how the sun warmed every inch of her skin. Cleansed by the rain showers that randomly fell from the sky. She was thriving in her sense of solitude.
Then darkness would fall and her fears would begin to crawl out of the corners of her mind. Nature didn’t feel so friendly as she lay alone in the tent at night. The trees became dark shadows that loomed overhead, threatening to clutch her from the safety of her bed. As the wind blew and the night came alive with nocturnal creatures, she was startled by every noise going bump in the night. No matter how many times she told herself that she was safe, she fell asleep feeling anxious and afraid. “What is my fear trying to teach me?” she wondered.
Over the next few days she mindfully observed and processed her thoughts. Compassionately releasing any emotions that surfaced. She cried openly and wrote freely, until she began to feel a little more at ease within herself. She hung sheets, serongs and fairy lights inside of the tent, which made her feel a little more safe and comfortable throughout the night. And to her delight she slowly began to feel something shift within her.
Day by day her senses were coming alive and energy was beginning to flow more freely through her. Bringing her to a heightened state of arousal, which was something she hadn’t felt since returning to Australia. Her sexual fire was beginning to reawaken, passion was arising and she was reconnecting with her inner wild woman.
Arwhooooo !!! … she roared.
As she took an evening stroll up the path, she noticed a white horse in the distance. For a moment she thought she caught a glimpse of a golden horn shimmering in the dappled light of dusk. And as the orange and black polka dotted moth flew past, she swore she seen it do a somersault and wave. She blinked, “I must have had a little too much sun”, she thought to herself.
That night, the moon was going to be at her fullest and a rare super, blue, blood full moon was promised. So she was gathering up some wild flowers to put with her crystals. Excited about the energy that was building, she noticed how the air was filling with an intensity that was a little unnerving. As the moon appeared over the horizon, she seen the storm clouds were building in the West. “Well, this is going to ruin any hopes of seeing the eclipse,” she thought to herself, as she huffed, hurrying back to the property.
It wasnt long before the storm was upon her. The sky turned black and a fierce gust of wind almost knocked her off her feet. A huge roar of thunder clashed and a bolt of lightning was a little too close for comfort. Her heart was suddenly struck with an overwhelming state of panic. “Mam, please don’t leave me,” she shouted out loud, as she began to run.
When she reached the tent, a large King Parrot flew down from the gum tree. He sat on the tarp and walked down the rope until they were eye to eye. She recalled how her Mother loved seeing the King Parrots in her garden. She cried, knowing it was a message from spirit. True to her word, her Mother was forever and always with her. And with another crash of thunder, he flew away and she scrambled into the tent.
But as the storm intensified, so did her fears. Images of every horrid horror movie she had ever watched, haunted her. Psycho killers, werewolves, ghostly ghoules, demons, wicked witches, zombies and creatures hungry to devour her flesh, were all fighting for a space in her head. And her warrior heart was no match for her overactive imagination.
All she could do was lay back and observe, as her fears persistently consumed her thoughts.
“Inhale LOVE, exhale FEAR,” she whimpered.
She was alone with her fears and there was no escape. No one to reach out to and no where to run. Forced to ride out the storm and face whatever her fear wanted her to see. She was terrified !!!
Then she reached the peak of her fear. Her heart racing so hard and fast that she feared she may have a heart attack, right there and then in the tent. Over the thumping of her heart, she heard a whisper. “Step outside.”
Fear tried desperately to hold her back in the safety of the tent. Flashing images of the Monsters awaiting to hurt her, but something was guiding her towards the zip. Conscious, but not controlled by her fear, she unzipped the tent and stepped outside. She walked into the storm, too afraid to open her eyes, focusing only on her breath. She stood outside of the tent, her legs trembling with every crash of thunder. The heavy rain falling onto her cold, clammy skin. And with each breath, a calmness slowly began to envelope her.
She tentatively opened her eyes and looked up. The clouds parted and the Moon shone down in all her majestic glory. Casting a beautiful white light down upon her. The trees hummed as they danced and swayed in the breeze, and the air was soon filled with the buzz of fairies, who wore bells around their ankles. A shimmer of gold glistened as a white unicorn appeared from the shadows. And beside him stood a beautiful angel with large rainbow wings.
…. then she awoke !!!
Rubbing her eyes as the sun shone through the opened, unzipped tent door.
Was it all just a dream ?
Tracey Marie Fletcher's Breaking the Habitz Blog 