Sometimes I struggle being alone

Sometimes my thoughts want to be heard
Sometimes my emotions need to be seen
Sometimes my body yearns to be held

Sometimes the night feels lonely

Sometimes my fears want to be shared
Sometimes my wounds need witnessed
Sometimes my pain yearns to be soothed

Sometimes loneliness lingers a little longer

Sometimes I want to cry a little louder
Sometimes I need to dig a little deeper
Sometimes I have to open a little wider

Sometimes being alone with myself is hard
Sometimes I don’t like how I think and feel
Sometimes my struggle is to self love ❤

Porridge, is my morning goodness 👍😁

I’ve been reflecting and thought I’d share …

During my first week back in Australia, I noticed myself falling back into some of my unhealthy habits. I was biting my nails, wanting to drink more booze, scoffing Dad’s chocolate stash, gobbling carbs and I wasn’t feeling good at all.

Sure, I was smiley, but my mind was far from clear and focused. My thoughts were messy, my emotions were draining my energy and I had very little motivation to get shit done.

The frustrating thing was, I knew exactly why I was doing those things. I knew why I was feeling so shit. And I even knew why it was so damn hard to stop myself from doing them.

My sugar addiction had a hold of me !!!

So, I decided to take control, make different choices and change my experience. My period was approaching, so I struggled with myself for afew days, but I’m so glad I persisted.

CHANGING OUR HABITS IS A PROCESS

Being aware of our habits is the only way we can change them. Hence why I pay attention to what I’m doing and why I’m doing it …

I notice how I bite my nails whenever I feel anxious. I notice the difference between: wanting a drink to relax, enjoying afew social drinks and using drink to escape when reality is challenging me. I notice how I comfort eat to self soothe and use food to avoid some of my uncomfortable thoughts and emotions.

As I make better food choices, I’m better able to focus my attention on the anxiety, the challege and the discomfort with a clear mind

I notice how I’m making other healthier choices

Meditating, sitting in the Sun, gazing up at the Moon, contemplating the Universe and the stars. Taking deeper breaths. Relaxing in the tub. Listening to music. Burning candles. Using my crystals. Wanting to walk and reconnect with myself and Nature. Acknowledging my challenges and openly talking and/or writing about the concerns, worrys and fears that feed my anxiety. Allowing my truth to surface and fully feeling the emotions as they rise and fall.

As I flow more openly and honestly with my thoughts and feelings, I feel much calmer within myself. I notice how I begin to enjoy my healthier food choices and I’m feeling good.

I used to say that food was my biggest demon because I struggled to loose weight, but as I better understand myself, there’s less struggle.

CHANGING OUR HABITS IS A PROCESS ❤

SYNCHRONICITY by definition is …
                         “A meaningful coincidence”
 
This morning when I woke at 7.20am, I decided to meditate. Since arriving, its the first morning there’s been no sunshine, its cloudy and rainy so didn’t go outdoors. I decided to move the table and meditate on Mam and Dad’s lounge room mat, which as you can see is a sacred geometric symbol. The precise time of FULL MOON was 7.58am … (1st synchronicity)

I quickly browsed through the music list on my phone, a Pisces Full Moon meditation I had saved instantly caught my eye. Full Moon is in Pisces now. The meditation guided me through a chakra clearing and talked about “the inner work” I reflected over, wrote about and shared with you yesterday … (2nd synchronicity)

I opened my eyes after the meditation and seen the word “Granda” on a handmade card, that one of the kids have made for Dad. I had an instant vision of my Granda and I felt the love as my heart chakra opened. My Granda died February 2000 and it was this loss that began my journey “home”. It was my first spiritual experience. A recognition that I’ve been “doing the work” for 18 years. And an acknowledgement of how much I’ve learned and have grown … (3rd synchronicity)

My Mam came into my mind and a sadness arose from within my heart. I cried as I felt both the love and the loss. Then an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the energy flowing. An emotional release, while my body is in full menstral flow, in the moments the MOON was at her fullest … (4rd synchronicity)

Synchronicity is …
         a conversation with Universe ❤

Its a FULL MOON ladies and gents 🌚

NOW is a good time to reflect upon our journey … What lessons have we learned from the PAST? … What are we most grateful for TODAY? … What are we hoping to achieve in the FUTURE?

NOW is the time to reflect over the questions we asked during the previous NEW MOON

What couldn’t we control or change?
What were we struggling to accept?
What were we holding onto?
What was causing us pain and suffering?

What did we want to release?
What did we want to let go of?
What did we want to heal?
What did we want to seed?

NOW is the time to reflect over what surfaced, and what was discovered from our descent into our inner self during and after NEW MOON

To acknowledge …

What triggered us?
What challenged us?
What felt uncomfortable?

NOW is the time to see those things for what they really are. Deeper insights into ourself and possible responses to the questions that we asked ourselves during the NEW MOON.

What if those things that trigger a “negative” reaction from us, reveal our buried pain and limitations that could be holding us back in fear? What if they surface to be released?

I believe this to be true …

A belief that enables me to take more responsibility for my own experiences and live more fully in the moments, no matter how uncomfortable. A belief that is changing how I experience myself in this world. A belief that creates more space for love and compassion for myself and others. A belief that helps me to rise above my challenges, release me from my fears and grow into the woman I want to be.

NOW is the time to ask ourselves …

Am I aware of a negative thought pattern?
Am I aware of a limited belief?
Am I aware of unexpressed emotions?
Am I aware of an unhealthy relationship?
Am I aware of an unhealthy habit or behaviour?

I believe being aware of these things are important because they have the ability to prevent the natural flow of our energy, which can then contribute to dis-ease in our body.

By definition “disease and disability are dynamic processes that begin before we realize we are affected,” which is why a preventative approach to our health is vital.

What if exploring our beliefs, thoughts, feelings and energy empowers us to make choices that contribute towards our healing and growth?

What if it’s how we create NEW realities?

NOW is the time to ask ourselves …

What did we seed during NEW MOON?
What do we want to manifest into reality?
What experiences do we want to have?
What do we want to co-create with Universe?
What is our hearts desire?

Ive been reflecting over the desires of my own heart and now have a deeper understanding.

For example …

My desire to manifest more money is about more than a want to reduce financial stress. Its about my need to create more opportunities and freedom, which guided me towards my need to CHANGE my relationship with money.

By changing the word money to FREEDOM, I realize that it’s possible to experience more freedom with or without money. By removing this limitation I can go even deeper by asking

What does freedom mean to me?
Why do I need to experience more of this?
What can I achieve with more freedom?
Who does my freedom serve?
How can I create more freedom in my life?

When I DO experience more freedom, I feel more joy. A state of being that increases my vibration and awakens my inner Shaman. This is my most authentic and ancient self. My inner wild and wise woman who is deeply connected to Nature. She flows with Universal energies and has the power to create, balance and heal.

“Awaken her and synchronize with the power to heal, to step into purpose and live as your most sacred self” (Melinda Rodriguez) ❤

As a Capricorn with Cancer rising, I’ve been struggling with myself. Life is already challenging enough with having lost our beloved Mother to cancer last year, still confronting our beloved Fathers cancer journey and being apart from the man I love. Maintaining a sense of balance is already a challenge, so unexpected challenges threw me right out of my messy Capricorn mind and into my Cancer emotions.

Into my feelings of OVERWHELM !!!

I don’t feel the need to share the details of my personal challenges because it involves others. But YES, it’s natural to experience tensions and conflicts with loved ones when we’re going through challenging times. Hence why communication is so very important.

My sisters and I are supporting our Dad, but we each have our own individual needs as women and individual responsibilities as Mothers. So, we’re also trying to support each other, so we can better support our Dad through this. That in itself can be challenging, which is why our unexpected challenges can throw us completely off balance.

Yesterday, I was hit with more unexpected bills, which triggered my money concerns and my daughter’s in physical pain, which triggered my Mumma fear. Triggers that had me REACTIVE instead of responsive …

Why ?

Because unexpected challenges during the approaching FULL MOON, threw me deep into my Capricorn and Cancer shadow. The parts of myself I would rather not see or share with others. The parts of me others don’t want to see and struggle to accept. The parts of myself I’m learning to see, share and LOVE for what they are ….

Ourpportunities to know ourselves better
Opportunities to balance our polarities
Opportunities to heal

Our inner tensions and conflicts impact on our ability to respond or react. So, the more aware we are of what we’re hiding or avoiding within ourselves (our shadow), the less we wound others with our reactions during challenges.

This is why diving in to me is important to YOU … in-to-me-see ❤

The last few days I’ve been reflecting over my tensions, conflicts, concerns and challenges. I notice how I wake feeling exhausted, no matter how much sleep I get. I also noticed myself falling back into some bad eating habits, which is why I promptly made some changes to my diet, to help increase energy levels and maintain the weight loss. But having already eaten too many carbs and sugars, my body went through the usual uncomfortable detox.

A thumbing headache that made it difficult to process my messy thoughts.

I refuse to fall back into the grasp of comfort eating during challenging times because Ive learned that what we eat influences how we think and feel.

However, I’m still learning how to stay fully present and respond to my challenges because like you, my growth is an ongoing work in progress ❤

I’ve always been fascinated by light orbs and rainbow rays, reflected from the Sun and Moon. But they offer us so much more than just light.

The Sun and Moon are energy 🌟

I’m in deep reflection so I thought I’d share some random thoughts, which are based on how my own experiences have and DO change how I think. We may not share the same beliefs and that’s OK because I’m sharing MY truth ❤

I believe …

We are so much more than our thoughts and feelings. We are beings of love and light and its our life force that connects us with Nature.

MIND, BODY AND SOUL !!!

Becoming an observer of my thoughts was the first step to living more fully in the present moments, however uncomfortable it may be.

The next was allowing my emotions to rise and fall, which is how I began to FEEL life instead of living through the limitations of my mind.

To flow with Universe I need to …

Free myself from the confines of my mind, by  focusing my intention on releasing myself from any emotional pain and suffering I may be holding onto from my past experiences. Letting go of attaching to expected outcomes, by accepting what IS and surrendering to what will be. Something I still struggle to do because it requires an ongoing commitment to growth.

THIS IS THE FREEDOM I SEEK

Regardless of being male or female, we each have an inner male and female aspect of self.

Life experiences can and do wound us, but our individual psychological, emotional, relational, social and spiritual wounds run far deeper than we realize. Our wounds are an accumulation of generational experiences that have impacted upon how we perceive and experience life.

The collective Mother and Father wounds are a result of patriarchal systems. These systems are beginning to crumble because we seek more balance both externally and internally.

THIS IS THE HEALING I SEEK

The Sun is a divine masculine energy that connects with our inner Father and the Moon is a divine feminine energy that connects with our inner Mother. When I consciously open myself up to this energy, I feel the shift. I process my thoughts and identify any limiting beliefs that are holding me back. I express any suppressed emotions that are attached to those thoughts. I release myself from unhealthy attachments of past experiences and/or future projections.

This is an ongoing process because our life experiences continue to challenge and change us. It’s how we expand our consciousness, heal our wounds, balance our energies, become the love we seek, realize our true potential for the greater good, transcend our fears, experience the magic and achieve our wildest dreams.

THIS IS HOW WE SHINE OUR LIGHTS 🌟

The more conscious I am in the moments, the more I feel connected to the Source of energy, which changes how I experience challenges. I observe my thoughts without attaching to them and allow my emotions to rise and fall without holding onto them.

LIVING MORE FULLY IN THE PRESENT

The more open I am to other possibilities, the more receptive I am to other dimensions of reality, which is when I notice more signs and synchronicity from Universe. This is when I dont feel the loss of Mam because I feel her spirit, which is our energy that never dies.

We are a force as one with Nature ❤

Our shadow is something we look at all the time, but very few will take the time to SEE it.

I thought this definition described the shadow simply, but it’s a complex thing to explore.

Most of us don’t want to acknowledge, let alone accept the parts of ourselves considered to be bad, dark or negative. And we certainly don’t want to show those parts to other people.

Unless you’re someone like me 😜

Sometimes I have dark and disturbing thoughts. Sometimes I’m glad people can’t read my mind. Sometimes I struggle with my shadow self.

But although my thoughts DO create my reality, I am not what I think. My brain, like a computer can be full of alot of shit I’ve done, seen and heard. Like a computer, our minds need to be cleaned, reprogrammed and rebooted.

I believe our shadow is an accumulation of the stuff we haven’t acknowledged and accepted. So, when it surfaces we either choose to deny it or we SEE it for what it is, which is a thought or feeling that hasn’t been allowed to fully flow.

Is it possible to balance our polarities and heal our wounds by just thinking positive thoughts ?

I don’t believe so …

Healing isn’t just an open your heart and feel it kinda thing. We must learn how to flow more honestly with ALL of our experiences.

Our healings matter !!!

So, let your heart guide you home towards your souls true purpose and TRUST the process 🌟

Ladies, we’ve all been here …. right ?

It all started with a little discomfort
A discomfort that soon turned into a twitch
Then the twitch became an itch
So I gave her a little scratch
But the scratch didn’t seem to satisfy her
So I rubbed her instead
Ohhhhhhh dear !!!!
Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea
I knew something was brewing
So, why did I ignore it?
Fuck !!!
This is the itch of ALL itches
Torn between needing to scratch
And wanting to play with her
But I’m neither home nor alone
I’m in the middle of my shift
Damn it !!!
Maybe it’ll help if I squeeze my thighs together?
Maybe it’ll stop if I sit on it?
Maybe distracting myself will help?
Maybe just a little touch?
Oh god !!!
Not sure I can take much more of this !!!
Before I know it I’m running to the bathroom
My knickers are around my ankles
And I’m rubbing my nether regions
Like my life depends on it
My fanny’s on fire and I’m burning for relief
Even a holy woman couldn’t deny THIS itch
Pleasure soon takes over
YES !!! YES !!! YES !!!
But …
Climax doesn’t satisfy THIS itch
The itch has now transformed into PAIN
My entire vulva is swollen and sore
I feel like I’ve just viciously abused myself
Attempts to sooth her with cool water helps
But then I need to pee
OMG !!!
It feels like I’m pissing razor blades

Ladies, DON’T scratch the itch !!!

I woke from a dream reflecting a shift within myself, so it’s a good time to reflect and share some of my thoughts on relationship …

Since my divorce, I’ve resisted needing men.

Why ?

Apart from seeking a sense of independence, I’ve also experienced many disappointments.

Men haven’t always been all that “dependable.”

I’ve experienced a sense of abandonment when I’ve needed the man I loved. Forced to fight many battles and confront the darkest forces of myself alone … on purpose.

Because ultimately, this is MY journey ❤

A journey full of ongoing lessons. Learning to accept that I choose to begin, stay in and have also contributed towards ending a relationship. Acknowledging how our individual challenges, not neccessarily a lack of love, has limited our ability to learn and grow in togetherness.

I don’t blame the men who have disappointed me, nor do I love them any less for hurting me. Because I can fully appreciate how we are ALL learning, healing and growing from every “good and bad” experience of love that we share.

Even our heart breaks are … on purpose 💔

An inner strength comes from confronting our deepest and darkest self alone, but we can also learn unhealthy habits. In attempts to protect ourselves from being disappointed or hurt, we can unconsciously respond from fear.

“To love is to risk loss, the price of loss is grief”

After a loss we either remain stuck in our suffering (or) numb ourselves from feeling anything at all (or) punish ourselves/others by denying love (or) seek love from others, depending on them to make us feel better (or) consciously flow in a state of love, allowing experiences of both love and loss to teach us.

Our choices will reflect what WE need to FEEL (or not feel). There is no right or wrong choice because our journey is unique to US.

Like love, I believe that grief has the capacity to guide us towards our inner most truth. I believe that grief has the power to liberate us from our greatest fears and heal our deepest wounds. I believe that loss can also be considered a gift.

Not everyone believes this … and that’s OK 😊

This post is about intimate LOVE but having lost people I love, I appreciate how we cannot fully love without also accepting loss. I’m learning that love isn’t something to hold onto and loss isn’t something to fear. Love and loss are equal sides of a polarity, neither one better or worse than the other because BOTH offer valuable experiences that serve our growth.

LIFE IS an accumulation of experiences that lead us to transitions and transformations 🌟

Which is why I pay closer attention …

I notice how I feel when my partner’s haven’t been emotionally available. I notice when and why I don’t feel safe and secure. I notice what triggers my fear and pokes my wounds. And I’m well aware of how I pull back or push people away when I’m struggling the most. Sometimes I “need” to pull back to clarify my own inner conflict, when not feeling secure within myself. And I push people away when not feeling a sense of safety in the relationship.

Becoming more aware of ourselves is the first step towards taking FULL responsibility for our own experiences. We can then distinguish our wants from our needs, communicate ourselves more openly and honestly, improve the quality of our relationships and create the kind of sustainable changes that LIFT us up towards a higher state of BEING and DOING 🌟

Truth is, I love openly and freely but my growth game is strong because my dreams are BIG, so I’m mindful of how and where my energy flows.

I want to RISE in love, not fall, which is probably why intimate relationship forces me to go deeper. But I totally appreciate and accept that not everyone wants to dive in so deeply 😜

Relationship wants and needs vary depending upon our own wants and needs, which is why holding others accountable for our hurts and responsible for our happiness, is not only a waste of our own time and energy, but its also detrimental to everyone’s growth and healing.

My resistence to “need” a man isn’t because I don’t need him, because I DO. My resistance either reflects tension within the relationship or it guides me towards an inner conflict ….

A fear that limits or a hurt that’s rewounding ?

This is how I maintain personal responsibility for my inner most thoughts and feelings. It’s how I balance my energy and feel a sense of wholeness regardless of my relationship status

This is my HEALING process ❤

July 8th 1972 was the day our parents wed. So today is their 46th Wedding Anniversary. They fell in love 50 years ago and no matter what, their love flows stronger than ever. So, today like every other day I celebrate the LOVE ❤

… but my heart weeps because we cannot celebrate the love, without also acknowledging our loss 💔 No matter how much we believe that you’re with us in spirit, my heart still feels the sorrow in our grieving hearts. Because we can’t see, hear, smell or touch you in the same way. You were the one who taught us about spirit, but learning how to live in a world without your physical presence, is proving to be more challenging to do because damn it, there’s so much of you to miss 😔

But my grief guides me deeper into myself, to the core of my wound. I visualize my inner child, alone in the world without her Mother, feeling lost and abandoned. A wound I was oblivious to in the past, but I can now see how it has bled over into all other relationships in my life. The cause of unhealthy attachments and codependent relationships. No longer able to deny my truth, I can only SURRENDER to it.

“It’s not the wound that teaches, it’s the healing”

Having suffered the sting of loss many times before, I understand and appreciate that LOSS teaches us things that love alone cannot teach. Loss guides us towards the core of our own suffering, to the wounds that causes our pain.

I believe the abandonment wound is collective. A sense of disconnection from Mother Earth and the Divine Source of Creation. And a lack of self love and wholeness within ourselves.

So, today, I celebrate the LOVE that still flows between our parents. A love that will forever and always flow through us. I also feel our LOSS but I surrender to the lesson. Celebrating the healing of our deeper collective wounds ❤

I know I think and behave differently to most, but I am no longer afraid to STAND in the vulnerability of my truth. I release any shame or guilt that threatens to dim my light. I am no longer afraid of the dark because the more darkness we make conscious, the brighter our lights shine, guiding the way for others 🌟

Happy Anniversary Mam and Dad. I love you both so very much, FOREVER and ALWAYS ❤