This mornings contemplations …

I dragged Mam out of bed to watch this sunrise (11th Aug 2017) and she loved every minute of it. We talked alot that morning but there was so much left unsaid. She had been diagnosed 8 weeks previous and we lost her 12 weeks later. Memories like this are so very precious because there’ll never be another opportunity to share these kinda wonderfuls together again. Not in the flesh and not in this lifetime anyways. This is a truth that still hurts my heart to acknowledge and is challenging to accept.

We have loadsa photos of Mam but I wish I had taken more videos. Because when those waves of grief wash over me, I miss seeing her physical form so damn much it physically hurts. Watching a video like this or hearing her voice offers my inner child a sense of comfort.

I often wonder why it’s easier to accept some deaths and not others? I wonder if I’ll ever be truly ready and able to fully let go of my attachments? I wonder why I’m struggling to let go and flow with this reality so damn much?

Being a woman who drifts between worlds and dips her toes in different dimensional realities, I  need to clarify reality to ensure I’m not living in a fantasy and following an illusion of truth.

The reality IS …

My Mam has died
My Dad is dying
My relationship status is single once again
My cubs are moving in different directions
My job no longer brings me joy
My life direction is uncertain

No fucking wonder I feel the way I do !!!

To be honest I don’t think I’ve fully come to terms with Mam’s death yet. In truth, it all still feels like a bad dream because we’re still living the same nightmare with Dad. This is another truth that hurts to acknowledge and is challenging to accept. This nightmare began back in October 2016, when Dad was first diagnosed. It’s been a journey full of so many tensions, conflicts, struggles and challenges.

Although we go through this as a family, our experiences aren’t the same. We see, feel, seek and need different things because we have our own soul purpose on the journey in this life time and we are ALL the hero of our own story.

Truth is, no matter how prepared we “think” we are, nothing can really prepare us for watching someone we love die. Because every person, relationship and experience is different.

Although my spirit has awoken to deeper truths, sometimes I wonder if I’m yet to fully awaken from this nightmare? As we adjust to our new “normal” that’s forever changing, I cant help but wonder how am I gonna feel when all this is over? I wonder what life will be like when our parents no longer exist in this world?

In all honesty it kinda feels like Mam hasn’t really gone, it’s like she’s in another room and I’m just waiting for her to walk through the door. Maybe that’s because I believe that she is waiting for Dad? Perhaps its because I don’t believe death is the end? Maybe its because I can still feel her energy even though I can no longer see her body? Perhaps my faith helps me to feel connected to her spirit? Maybe I’m just holding onto whatever the fuck I can?

In truth, I’m just doing my best to get through each day with as much honesty and love as I can. Sometimes its a struggle to get out of bed or off the chair. Sometimes the darkness is too heavy and its a battle to fight my way out. And other times I have a sense of knowing in my heart that makes me feel like I AM the love and light navigating the way through this nightmare

These are the energetic shifts between 3rd and 5th dimensional realities. This is the shift from fear based thinking that limits me, into heart space where divine love guides my choices ❤

It was Father’s Day in the UK afew weeks ago and I had mixed emotions about the lovely posts that friends and family were sharing. It got me thinking about how society declares these kind of days as important, but wonder if those same Dads are being celebrated every other day?

Although I’ve always appreciated my parents, Ioss has a way of deepening our appreciations.

Words can’t express how much love, respect and admiration my sisters and I have for our Dad. He’s one of the most loving, honest, loyal, humble and devoted men I have ever met

We are so very blessed to call him our Dad ❤

Dad has always been a proud hard working man. Often doing without himself, so we could have whatever we needed or wanted. If Mam and his 3 girls were happy then so was he. His happiness was and really IS that simple because all he needs is to make sure that we all feel loved, safe, secure and supported.

These are the things my sisters and I are honoured and privelaged to give to Dad ❤

Mam and Dad were the story tellers. Creating magical stories to ease our fears, which still offer us comfort. Now my sisters and I share our stories, which eases Dads fear and gives him a sense of comfort about what’s to come.

There’s so much I admire about my family ❤

LOVE and LAUGHTER is the biggest because no matter how fucking horrible life can be, we always manage to find the funny side of life. Last night was a fine example. Dad was doing his best to keep it together while face timing his brother in the UK. I had a really bad gut and farted. Dad can’t tolerate smells of any kind these days, so he started to dyreach. I sprayed air freshener thinking it would help, but it only made matters worse. I grabbed the laptop from Dad, Kerry grabbed the bowl and Dad was doing his best not to upchuck. Aunty Pat wanders back into the lounge room and Uncle Barry says “Our Tracey just farted and made our Kev sick” she replies “she’s such a lady” 🤣

We laughed so hard and when Dad’s tummy settled he looked at his brother with tears in his eyes, smiled and said “you gotta laugh”

And that pretty much sums things up ❤

I won’t lie, our days are challenging because there’s nothing wonderful about watching someone you love slowly fading away before your eyes. Its the kind of pain that breaks your heart open over and over and over again.

So each and every day we remind ourselves that Dad’s comfort is what matters most and we find and share the love, light and humour whenever possible. My sisters and I can’t change nor control any of this shitty situation. All we can do is keep our hearts open and be fully present for Dad, each other and ourselves.

Truth be told no matter how weak and frail Dad feels, to us he is still the strong, dependable man he’s always been. There’s a softness to his heart, that’s the source of a far greater strength and courage. He really IS our hero 😊

We love you Dad ❤

Forever and Always
To the moon and beyond the stars 🌟
   
Let this be a reminder for YOU to hug your Dad a little tighter and let him know EVERY DAY how much you love and cherish him  ❤

I’m laying in a warm bubble bath, feeling the cool breeze blowing in the window, listening to the rain and I’m grateful for simple pleasures that bring me a sense of inner happiness ❤

However last night was a different story …

My sisters and I take turns having respite, so I was indulging in afew nights at the van. I woke from a nightmare that felt too real at 1am. So I drove back Yam because I needed to see Dad. It was a relief to kiss his warm forehead when I found him asleep, but I still sobbed in my bed.

There are so many thoughts & feelings raging through my body. Observing without attaching to them can be a mighty challenge at times.

Sometimes maintaining flow is a struggle
Sometimes confronting our fear is scary
Sometimes being still with our pain is hard
Sometimes our loudest screams are silent

Truth is,

I don’t always feel strong
My thoughts aren’t always positive
I don’t always feel sunshiney
My emotions aren’t always comfortable

But each and every day I wake up to a new day and I do my very best to honour the moments, with as much honesty, grace and love as I can.

………. and breathe ❤

There’s always been many a heated debate about abortion, but America’s proposal of an anti-abortion law has social media in a frenzy.

As a woman and as a Mother with a Daughter, it’s a topic that concerns me. And having experienced an abortion at 18 years old, and having suffered the emotional consequences, its a conversation that matters to me.

Having worked through my own feelings of regret, guilt, shame, grief and loss, I don’t choose a side. As a woman of contradiction I choose life, but also respect a woman’s right to CHOOSE whatever is right for her.

I ask YOU …

Are YOU pro LIFE (or) pro CHOICE ?
If you choose LIFE, then ask yourself …
Are YOU pro PEACE (or) pro WAR ?
If you choose PEACE, then ask yourself …
Are YOU at peace with your choice ?

Choosing to have an abortion is NOT a simple YES or NO answer. I can guarantee you that most women agonize over the decision to abort a pregnancy. Yes, there are those who mindlessly use abortion as a form of birth control, which is why expanding upon sexual education is so VERY important. I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it again and again.

It’s time to dump the SHAME around SEX

Instead of judging one another, let’s talk more openly about WHY men and women are having sex in the first place. Let’s talk more honestly about how we want to experience intimacy. Let’s talk more openly about how masturbation improves our relationship with ourselves. And for fucksakes let’s be willing to talk more honestly with each other about what our wants and needs are in relationship.

Is it such a radical theory, to suggest that as more men and women become more mindful of themselves and each other, then less people would need to be in the position of chosing abortion ?

Truth is, if a woman decides that an abortion is right for her, then she’ll do whatever it takes to DO it, so making it illegal puts her in danger.

In my opinion taking away a woman’s choice is taking a monumental step back into oppression.

YES, women are STILL being oppressed

Women are STILL being raped
Women are STILL being abused
Women are STILL being manipulated
Women are STILL being disrespected

This is not fiction, but TRUTHS !!!

Just because it’s not happening in YOUR world doesn’t mean it’s not happening in anothers. As Western women we have more rights and privileges.

But lets not forget why …

If it wasn’t for the battles fought in the past, then we wouldn’t have the “sense” of freedom we have today. However, our battles continue because we are STILL being manipulated by men in power with influence. Heck, in truth we’re being manipulated in relationships with wounded men. And as wounded women, we are giving our power away in the name of love.

I’m not interested in debating who is right or wrong because everyone’s experience is valid. In truth, if we dive deep enough into ourselves, we will find that we are ALL healing from historical and cultural patriarchal influences.

But let it be known …

That NO man has the right to guide our mind, body or worth. NO man has the right to tell us what’s right for us and NO man has the fucking right to abuse and disrespect our bodies …. EVER !!!

As men and women …

We ALL need to take full responsibility for our choices. We ALL benefit from being open minded enough to challenge our belief systems, change our thinking and expand upon our consciousness. And we ALL experience more love when we open up our hearts to fully FEEL life.

This is my understanding of HEALING ❤

So, I ask again …

Are YOU pro LIFE (or) pro CHOICE ?

I decided to get up early because I needed to stroll on one of my favourite beaches and witness the sunrise. I love this quiet little spot, which is why I took you here for your last sunrise. Memories of our walk together made me smile and cry because I felt your presence.

I sat amongst the rocks and gazed upon the water as the sun rose. Watching the swallows darting to and fro. I listened to one of my favourite songs. The one that opens up my heart and connects me with spirit. Tears fell as I felt life in all its beautiful glory and tragedy flowing through me. A feeling that made me smile and cry because I felt your presence.

As I walked back to the car, a man stepped onto the beach with his dog. The tall, dark and handsome type that captures any womans attention. His warm smile and good morning greeting made me blush. As I walked back to the car, I smiled because I felt your presence.

On the drive home a song played “Save all your kisses for me” and a memory came to mind. I seen you on the dance floor with your parents at our farewell party. The 3 of you embracing, dancing, singing, smiling and crying. A song that was sang by the Brotherhood of Man at the Eurovision Song Contest in 1976, when I was 3 years old. A beautiful message for your 3 daughters today on Mother’s Day …

The power of 3 😊

Whenever I witness the beauty, I find hope 🌞

Forever and Always

I LOVE YOU ❤

This week I’ve been struggling …

Most of the time I flow with what IS because my FAITH is strong, but the flow is easily disrupted. It only takes a little something to throw me off balance and into overwhelm.

Truth is, we are living our saddest chapter ever and NOTHING can change that hard truth.

No matter how positive we try to think
No matter how much we’re grateful for
No matter how many blessings we have

Our beloved Dad is still dying from cancer 💔

I apologize if my words hurt your heart.
I understand if you prefer to look away.
I even understand your need to avoid me.

Truth be told, my words hurt MY heart. I want to look away and at times I avoid myself.

Being in the hospice with Dad triggered some painful memories from the past. Because as we confront Dad’s end of life, we relive Mam’s.

It’s hard to be fully present in the NOW …

When we don’t want to be where we are
When we don’t want to see what we see
When we don’t want to feel how we feel

At times, it’s challenging to find the positives and it’s even harder to stay fucking strong !!!

Whenever my thoughts stray into the past, I ride the waves of grief, while trying my hardest to remain fully present in the moments. But how can the moments bring me peace when it feels like we are reliving the past ?

Whenever my thoughts wander off into the future, I experience waves of anxiety because of my fears and uncertainties. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever truly find peace of mind ?

My mind and body need deep-rest (usually known and experienced as depression). I am so very very tired. I want to stay in bed, sleep, switch off and loose myself in Netflex stories, go to the van and create a santuary to retreat to, be wrapped up in someones loving arms or loose myself in the blissful pleasures of sex.

Truth be told, I want to do ANYTHING but get up and confront the harsh realities of what IS.

I wonder …

WHY does the past bury itself so deeply inside of our hearts and minds ? And why the fuck don’t our fears just fuck the fuck off ?

Perhaps its because when we’re going through our most challenging times, we do whatever we can to get through it. And sometimes the only way we can get through it, is to NOT think about it, NOT process it and definitly NOT feel it. Maybe its because we’ve buried our truths ?

Truth is, if you’re like me, then you are learning how to SURRENDER and BE fully present when the moments are the most challenging.

I wonder …

HOW can we BE more present ?

Well, lets start by NOT telling each other to stay fucking strong when we’re struggling and be positive during the worst times of our lives.

LETS KEEP IT REAL !!!

I need your listening ears to hear my fears. Because I need to process and express any conflicting thoughts and feelings causing me inner tension, discomfort and distress.

YES, this will trigger YOUR inner conflicts ❤

I need a hug when I feel weak because I don’t always feel strong. Being held when I’m feeling overwhelmed makes me feel supported as I regain the strength I need to keep going.

YES, this will trigger YOUR vulnerability ❤

I need to BE and FEEL whatever flows without pretending that everything’s OK because my truth makes you uncomfortable. I need to be completely honest, otherwise I put on a mask for your comfort and that hurts me even more.

YES, this will trigger YOUR truth ❤

I need to be supported and encouraged to FEEL my experience without fear of being judged, misunderstood, criticized, rejected or abandoned by those who matter most to me.

YES, this will trigger YOUR woundings ❤

And sometimes, as much as I don’t want to be, sometimes I need to be alone in my most challenging moments. To live it, to process, to fully FEEL it and to break through my barriers.

So, this FULL MOON I ask myself …

What has surfaced to be seen ?
What am I holding onto ?
What is no longer serving me ?
What am I ready to release ?

No matter what our struggle is …

NOW is the time to RELEASE ourselves from mindless suffering, by OPENING up our hearts and minds to NEW possibilities. And allowing Universal energies to flow through us, so we can become the BEST version of ourselves.

Our lives are the NEW stories we need to read

Blessed BE to you ALL ❤

YES … I’m a tad excited … can ya tell ? 🤣

NO … we’re not having this for dinner 🤣

I’ve been eating clean for 7 days …

Breakfast – porridge with water & milk
Lunch – salads + protein (tuna, egg or bacon)
Dinner – veges + protein (meat, fish or chicken)

I’ve increased my water intake and only drinking tea (mostly dandelion root)

I weighed myself this morning and have lost 4.8kg. Being the visual person I am, I’m holding 3kg of potatoes and 1kg of carrots.

WOW … Imagine that much excess fluid and fat has been released from my body and I can honestly say, it hasn’t been difficult to do.

My sugar withdrawal only lasted one day and because I temporarily cut out sugar and carbs completely, I haven’t been tortured by cravings.
My appetite has reduced, my energy levels and motivation have increased and I feel GOOD !!!

It’s Easter Sunday tomorrow and Dad’s bought a stash of chocolate for our annual egg dump. I’m not sure if I’m gonna indulge because I know once I put sugar back into my body, I’ll begin to crave again. So, while I’m seeing such positive results I may keep going as I am 😊

PS … I’m not sharing to brag !!!

My intention is to inspire ❤

A Sunday morning mind orgasm for ya …

We are not the thoughts that we think
We are not the emotions that we feel

Our thoughts and emotions serve to navigate us on the journey of our human experience.

We are a pure energy
We are immortal
We are part of Nature
We are part of Universe
We are as ONE with the Source
We are in essence, the magic 🌟

Our greatest challenge in this life time is to find the core of who we are. Uncovering the truth of our coexistence so we can live in harmony.

YES, we are the change we seek in this world.

We are peeling away what we’ve been told and rediscovering what we know. We are breaking free from our minds and trusting in the truth of our hearts. We are being guided home to heal.

What if I told you that ” Every woman that heals herself, helps to heal all women that came before her and all those to come after her ”

What if I told you that all relationships trigger us because they serve to guide us deeper into our truth, so we can balance our energies.

Would you walk through this world with more intention ? ? ? Would you live your life with more deliberation ? ? ? Would you open up to life and love with complete abandonment ? ? ?

To believe in the magic, is to believe in yourself

Life, is all about the journey ❤

It was a FULL MOON last night and it fell on Equinox. I fell asleep feeling completely drained. My energy was at ground zero. Then I awoke feeling somewhat reflective. So I wrote …

As an awakening conscious woman, I’m often misunderstood. Truth is, how can you know who I am and what I want, when my own understanding of self is forever changing and expanding?

I no longer align with out dated beliefs about the happily ever after fairytale kinda love. The Damzel in distress is no longer waiting for her knight in shining armour to rescue her. Our stories are changing. We are exploring our distress.

What does a conscious woman want ?
What does an awakened woman need ?

She wants you to drop the defences and needs you to be fully PRESENT with her in the moment, even when the moment is messy. The woman who loves YOU wants you to get out of your head, step into your heart and share your truth with her.

She doesn’t want to avoid your shadow !!!

She wants to bring all doubt, fear, insecurity, grief, anxiety and wounds to the surface to be seen. She wants to see ALL of you and she needs you to see ALL of her. So that the energy of love can be fully expressed through you.

She wants you to OPEN up your heart

She doesn’t need a relationship to feel loved, nor does she need a man to complete her. She SELF loves and balances her own energies to feel whole. And she wants to be in relationship with a man who does this too.

She believes that love isn’t something to be found, but an expression of SELF

A conscious woman won’t need you but if she CHOOSES to walk through life with you, then you will experience the magic with her.

… and NEW stories will be written ❤

As most of you know, Dad’s been in hospital with multiple spinal fractures, getting his pain under control. So, we’re riding a rollercoaster of emotions because it’s another reminder of a harsh reality, we would rather not confront.

No matter what, Dad continues to face what comes with immense courage. And my sisters continue to be the amazing women they are. Supporting Dad and keeping me up to date.

As for me, I continue to feel torn between the life I’m trying to create in the UK, and my need to be with my family in Australia during times like this. An inner tension that created conflict and an abrupt ending to our relationship

Something I’ve been reflecting over …

Maybe I walked away too quickly?
Perhaps he let me go too easily?

But although our similarities compliment us and our differences challenge us, being in a relationship has been far from easy. Truth is, our relationship began during the worst time of my life and life doesn’t seem to be getting any easier.

Maybe that’s why I walked away too quickly?
Perhaps that’s why he let me go so easily?

Fortunately I was between contracts, so I headed north, seeking the support I needed to just BE the mighty mess I was. To allow myself to break down and fully FEEL what was rising.

The last 5 days have been turbulant !!!

But as I navigated through my inner world (my deeper most thoughts & feelings) during a NEW Moon when Mercury is in Retrograde …

I noticed something …

My inner Bridget isn’t dwelling in the usual soundtrack, “All by my self” feeling forsaken. Instead, she’s becoming better aquainted with her wounded self. The part of me that needs healing by my own love and compassion.

Hmmmmmmm 🤔

Is this the break through I needed?
Is this the healing I wanted?

I’m back on contract, in a much better mindset but still riding the waves. Focusing on the job, honouring what rises and preparing for my trip back to my family in Australia.

If you’re also navigating through turbulent times, then please don’t give up on love.

TRUST the process

…. and may the force be with YOU ❤