I AM a warrior of love and light ❤

Each of our journeys in love are unique, but if I’m honest, I’m often a little green eyed when I see others living in love together. In truth, sometimes I’m envious of the marriage that my beloved parents and my sister’s have. Because although love for my (ex) husband is forever, our marriage was never destined to be.

Why is my experience different ?

Just as I’ve rebelled against the systems, my intimate relationships have and still  continue to challenge me. Truth is, not all of us live a life of love with the one we love and not all of us will fall in love with only one person in this lifetime. Some of us are destined to grow in love differently.

We are the warriors of love and light ❤

Although our battles don’t involve any bloodshed, our hearts continually bleed open. Love flows easily into our lives on purpose. Serving to teach us how to love as a whole being. Deepening our heart connections and loving without attachment. Teaching us how to rise above our fears, let go, release and fully SURRENDER to life.

Something that continues to challenge me.

How do you release someone you love ?

Because its natural to want to hold on tight, especially when life flows in such a way that our flows are leading us in different directions.

But these are the biggest opportunities to fully flow with life

Because life IS love ❤

Of course, the lessons prove to be invaluable and new insights serve the warrior well, but why the fuck must it hurt so fucking much ?

Sometimes my mind thinks that my heart can’t take much more. But my heart knows that each time she breaks, she opens and each time she aches, she grows. The heart of a warrior knows that the heart is her greatest weapon. And like a muscle, she continues to stretch herself to the limits.

This is why it takes great courage to love such a woman because she cannot, nor will not promise you an ordinary life of love. But that’s why the love you share with her is extraordinary.

I wonder if the warrior of love and light is destined to forever wander in life ?

Because whenever I begin to see the possibility of a future with the one I love, life calls me in another direction.

But I wonder, what does a future with a woman like me look like ?

A question I sit with 🤔

Mindful interaction ❤

Words is all I have to offer right now, but they flow from my open heart. So I hope they fall upon you gently as you read.

I’ve been through some mighty challenging emotional storms while here in the UK. But the biggest is happening right now. Afew weeks ago our family was hit with the devastating news, that both of our beloved parents now have what the Doctors say is “incurable” cancer. News that’s knocked the wind out of each and everyone of us.

As I flow through my own personal storm, I’m so very grateful for the presence of the man I love. He neither tries to rescue me nor fears the storm, which is exactly what I need, even when it’s not always what I want. During the chaos of the storm, my shadow stuff shows up. Self sabotage that tries to push away that what I fear to loose. Yet, he not only stays, he waits. He not only holds me, he lets me go.

The last few weeks have tested us all, as our greatest fears and deepest wounds begin to manifest into our reality. Its a storm that still rages, but we sail in the same ship (so to speak). Each one of us with special skills that play an important role in the challenges that lie ahead of us.

Imagine, a crew aboard a mighty ship, sailing through a great storm … that’s my family.

Being here, I feel helpless, as if watching my family far out at sea, fighting for their lives. A desperation that screams deep within me because I can’t reach them and I can’t save them. Unable to do anything other than watch from a distance and pray.

It’s a feeling that keeps bringing me to my knees into a state of sweet surrender. A place that opens me up to a rush of energy that keeps lifting me back up. Building an inner strength that fills the warrior of love with light.

Yes, that is who I AM

I AM a warrior of love and I work with the light. I dive willingly into the depths of darkness and dance with the shadows of the mind, because I can see the flickers of light within it and YOU.

I have faith in my family and respect the purpose of this storm of all storms. I call upon Universe and completely trust in the process. Because when a “cure” isn’t available, then we are invited to dig deeper into each of our personal resources and support the HEALING.

Mindful interaction ❤

We ALL experience the suffocating symptoms of depression at some stage of our lives. Some poor souls suffer from a constant state of depression.

So … how the fuck do we flow with symptoms of depression ? ? ?

When it shows up in my life …

I take deep breaths ALOT !!!!!

Breathing into my emotions and allowing them to flow, without trying to deny how I truly FEEL

I journal ALOT !!!!!

Observing my mind chatter, without becoming consumed by the fears or dwelling in the hurts

I trust the process for what it IS …

A natural response to a challenging situation

Change isn’t always easy
Growth isnt always comfortable
Healing isn’t always pleasant

I focus on what I CAN DO instead of holding onto frustrations about what I cannot change

I can choose to nurture myself
I can choose to nourish myself
I can choose to express myself
I can choose to NOT push myself to DO
I can choose to encourage myself to BE
I can choose to LOVE myself
I can choose to seek support

Reminding myself about life’s blessings helps me to appreciate what IS good in my life. A gratitude journal is a great idea because the more grateful we are, the better we feel about ALL of life’s experiences, even our challenges.

I’m always grateful for the opportunity to better understand myself. Because I believe that symptoms of depression and the experience of grief, guides me inwards on purpose.

To shine light on my darkness

But why do our thoughts torture us ?

I believe its because there’s something to be found in the darkness of our minds. I don’t believe everything I think but I know that my irrational thoughts guide me deeper into the source of my suffering. Supporting my desire to OPEN and my need to HEAL

Mindful interaction ❤

My 3am writing about “shadow” turned into a spontaneous wild woman meditation, which started with a song that compelled me to re-close the curtains and light the candles.

Oh how I LOVE when spirit leads 😊

I needed to dance, so I selected the music that I was guided towards. The first piece was “Peruquois – I am She”

My body moved slowly to the beat and with the words “I am OPEN to receive … I surrender” I felt the Goddess energy stir and rise within me. Goosy bump feel goods vibrated through, from the top of my head down to the tips of my toes. Universe was flowing through me.

“Anilagh – Medicine Chant” was next.

A beat that stirred something primal within me. To anyone watching, I must have looked like a mad woman who was completely out of control.

Because the WILD woman, is fierce …

She is FREE !!!

The wild woman moved my body with a different kind of rhythm. She doesn’t hold back. Every muscle and bone was thrust into action. Movement that woke up every cell in my tired body.

Liberating me from myself

My gaze softened and my body opened up more and more and more. Music that guided my head back, so I could look upon the heavens. Movements that flung my arms open again and again and again. As my chest expanded and my back arched, I felt the stretch happening from a place deep within me.

Oh how wonderful it felt to BREAK FREE

When the music stopped, my body was still buzzing. Although every part of me was awoken, a sense of calmness relaxed me into a deep sleep. The kind of meditation that heals the soul.

Mindful interaction ❤

There are several discomforts and challenges in my life at the moment

Its a struggle to stay centered, balanced and focused because my mind keeps racing with thoughts and my heart is heavy with emotions.

The flow is sometimes like a raging current

Tensions and inner conflict are making me feel uneasy

A battle between the OLD and the NEW

The way I understand, function and experience myself in the world is forever changing. So, I want to write about my experiences with a little more honesty.

  The more truths I confront, masks I drop, darkness I shine light on, shadows I embrace, polarities I balance, wounds I expose and fears I rise above, the more I appreciate how important these experiences are in our process of healing.

Ive filled yet another journal with my thoughts and feelings (note to self: buy another journal). But I often struggle to express myself fully in my blog, which Ive identified as being my resistance to talk openly about my experiences. Acknowledging that the reason I hold back is because my experiences involve other people, so I’m respecting their privacy. But how can I write openly about my experiences if I keep omitting parts of the story ?

Hmmmmmm … she ponders

Ive been reminding myself that my thoughts and feelings around others are rooted heavily in love and my intentions is to support healing and growth. My instincts are telling me that …

NOW is the time for Breaking the Habitz to BREAK FREE !!!

Daring to write my blog entries in the same format as I journal my thoughts and feelings puts me into a state of panic. But as a writer, I want my words to be dripping in more soulful substance (note to self: DON’T buy a journal, BLOG it)

Oh heck !!!

I’m already squirming in my chair … are YOU ?

But I acknowledge that the challenges I confront, make for some juicy journaling. And my writing continues to guide me well through my own life, so I would like to share that process a little more openly with you all.

What will I write about first ?

It makes sense to write about whats causing me the most discomfort NOW, which is the anxiety I’m feeling in my heart … watch this space

Mindful interaction ❤

Today, I took myself to Blenheim Palace because I wanted to see the rose gardens and I needed to spend some time with the mighty oaks. I needed to be held by something bigger, stronger and wiser than myself.

I wandered a while, hugged a few trees, followed a trail of white feathers to the rose gardens, smelled the roses and found myself a nice quiet spot to sit.

My uncertainty leaves me feeling weary, so I lay down. Focusing on my breath, I drifted in and out of sleep, sobbing into the grass.

Connecting my heart with Mumma Earth

  After a little while, I sat up and started to write in my journal. As the words flowed onto the paper, the tears continued to flow from my heart.

As a family, our whole world has been shaken up

Our hearts are breaking  for each other

Two ducks waddled over and sat down beside me. I appreciated the company because I was feeling so very alone in my grief. I kept writing and sobbing, but they stayed. One made herself comfortable beside me on the right and the other nestled down behind my back. They closed their eyes and rested beside me. I felt blessed to have them near because their presence offered me a sense of comfort.

When the words eventually stopped flowing and the tears ran dry, I laid myself back down and rested with them. Neither of them stirred as I fidgeted around, making myself comfortable. They were so close, I could reach out and touch their beautiful feathers.

I woke suddenly with a thought … “Jemima Puddle Duck”

Our beloved Grandma (Ma), Mams mother, Violet had a Jemima Puddle Duck on her kitchen window sill. And for years she searched the Sunday markets for a male companion to sit with her, whom she found a week before she fell to the kitchen floor from a massive heart attack.

I asked the ducks “is this you Ma and Da” .. to which they both opened their eyes

The little brown duck gave a little quack, got up and started to waddle off. The bigger duck, looked at me, then followed his mate.

My heart burst open and I cried tears of gratitude

The ducks came to deliver a special message of LOVE

I know the message they gifted me will touch the heart of all my family and friends and I hope it inspires you all to OPEN up to the magic of Nature, Spirit and Universe.

Mindful interaction ❤

Change, its in the air again …

Tension rises within me
A conflict between what is and what is becoming
No longer standing at the crossroads
My internal compass guides the way forward
Note to self …. BREATHE !!!

My heart feels anxious
Unsure about the road ahead
Uncertain about whats yet to come
Unsettled about how it will come to pass
Note to self …. BREATHE !!!

My mind is quiet
Accepting the lack of control
Surrendering to the flow
Fully present in the moments
Note to self …. BREATHE !!!

Waiting for answers
Wondering about solutions
Hoping for the best
Preparing ourselves for the worst
Note to self …. BREATHE !!!

Old patterns are falling away
New energies are emerging
Consciously releasing what no longer serves me
Understanding the manifestations
Note to self …. BREATHE !!!

Universe has heard our prayers
But its difficult to accept the gift which as been delivered
Even harder to appreciate the beauty of the healing experience
So she falls into the abyss and trusts the process of change
Note to self …. BREATHE !!!

Mindful interaction ❤

During our greatest challenges there’s an opportunity to move from fear to LOVE ❤

As a family we always HOPE for the best, while preparing for the worst. We FEEL the blows and together we ride the waves of the storm. No matter where we are on the globe we know love knows no bounds.

Truth is, nothing can be healed until it arises into consciousness and manifests itself into reality.

If its happening, its here.

So stand up to the fear and acknowledge the worst case scenario. Say it out loud and give it a voice SCREAM if you must, cry your fucking heart out, curse the heavens, just EXPRESS whatever arises within YOU ….. then exhale

BREATHE deeply and consciously into your heart space. Allow the thoughts and feelings to flow without attaching to them …. observe

LISTEN to what your soul wants

and DO it !!!

For me time in NATURE reconnects me to my truth and reminds me of the bigger picture.

LIGHT shines brightest in the dark
MAGIC is always within and around us
LOVE will set us free

Mindful interaction ❤

My hearts breaking and it hurts to breathe
I desperately need more support
I need to know why the fuck this is happening ?
So I take a walk through the Nature Reserve
I notice the little things
The trees help me to breathe easier
I find a quiet spot to sit and contemplate
Listen to the birds sing and the bees hum
Watch the butterflys and the bunnys at play
Feel the cool air on my cheek
Smell the sweet scent of wild flowers
Curl up onto my side and drift off to sleep
(my kinda meditation)
Roll over onto my tummy
My heart beats against the soft earth
Soothing my heart
I stand and look down
See several empty snail shells on the ground
Snails have been popping up alot lately
Note to self: google spiritual message later
Take afew more steps
See 2 small fuzzy white angel feathers
Take afew more steps
See another lone golden wish clock
I feel the magic in the air
Carry on walking
A young priest passes by with his dog
A word pops into my mind … FAITH
I still don’t have all the answers
But my heart feels calmer and it softens
Fear fades with each exhale
And LOVE begins to fill my lungs
Faith makes all things possible
It’s a belief in that what we can’t see

Mindful interaction ❤

How the fuck do we actually DO this ?

Is it even possible to stay positive while we’re in the midst of a negative experience ?

YES because like everything else, its a CHOICE that we make

But its far from easy because during our most challenging times we are usually confronting some of our biggest fears and sitting with our deepest despairs. During our negative experiences all of our defense mechanisms and coping styles will kick into gear.

Old habits die hard, but its important to challenge them

Notice …

What am I thinking and doing ?
How do I feel and what am I avoiding to feel ?

These are the times when I have lit up the cigarette to ease my anxieties

Drank the whiskey to numb my overwhelming emotions

Scoffed the food to soothe and comfort myself

Fell into the arms of someone I love or into bed with someone I dont

I’m far from perfect and still DO some of those things during my most challenging moments, but the more mindful I become of myself, the less self destructive my habits are.

During our greatest challenges we will often DO anything but sit with the reality of what’s happening within US. We seek comfort and/or divert our attention elsewhere to soften the blow.

Yup, its hard enough to be completely present, let alone to stay fucking positive

Learning how to be fully present and maintaining our positivity during a negative experience is a mindful process. Its a habit Ive been trying to cultivate and I’m not always successful. During my biggest challenges I often fail in my attempts to be positive.

I dont like how I instantly jump and react to the worst possible case scenario whenever I’m delivered bad news. And it frustrates me how I’m fully aware when I’m avoiding myself because if I know better then I should be DOING it better. But I’m learning how to be a little more gentle with myself when I dont think, feel or behave positively.

This is the time I practice ultimate SELF LOVE ❤

How do I maintain a positive attitude during my emotional storms ?

I do my very best to keep it real because if it looks, smells and feels like shit, …

then IT IS SHIT !!!

Sometimes the most positive thing that we can DO is to fully accept the negative aspects of the situation, which comes down to how we THINK about the negative experience.

I understand and appreciate that any unexpected change that’s thrust upon us during a crisis, has the power to shatter our hearts into pieces and break us OPEN to something NEW. Breaking us OPEN to FEEL and to HEAL something WITHIN us.

These are the times when we are walking through FEAR

Its important to note that the purpose of fear is to sharpen our senses and energize us during times of great stress. Facing our fear is dealing with negative thoughts and emotions as they flow. These are the times when we must TRUST that each step we take into our fear strengthens us and helps us to confront whatever lies ahead with courage and confidence. And the more willing we are to stare fear in the face, the more FAITH  and LOVE within ourselves grows. Allowing the next steps of healing and growth to be a little easier.

I strongly believe that maintaining a “positive” attitude is essential, but if we don’t fully privilege the “negative” then we experience a false positive, which is self destructive.

So PLEASE dont ask me to stay positive or to be strong when I need to fall down, break open and fully FEEL the experience as it flows. In those moments I am supposed to be feeling raw and vulnerable.

Ask yourself WHY do you want me to be positive and strong ?

And you may find that its about YOUR discomfort with the situation

HOW the fuck do we positively experience a negative experience ?

By changing the way we “think” about our “negative” experiences

Its true what they say …

” When we cannot control something then we are forced to change how we think about it”

When my heart breaks open and I’m shattered, its because the world as I know it is changing. I’m in the midst of chaos and I’m struggling to make sense of it.

During my biggest challenges I AM the storm

And just like Nature, my moods are wild and unpredictable. My mind is either racing with a multitude of thoughts or a complete blank. I lack the ability to give a fuck about those who are watching from the safety of the shore. You are either in the boat with me or offering something of value that I need.

And what I need in MY storm may differ to what YOU may need

What do I need ?

I dont need your advice … unless I ask for it

I need you to trust that I can survive this
I need you to allow and encourage me to FEEL whatever flows
I need you to believe that something far bigger than you or I is at work
If I forget, I need you to remind me about the purpose of the storm
I need your love, your hope and your prayers

During crisis, its ESSENTIAL to maintain a positive attitude but its equally important to allow ALL thoughts and emotions to flow.

Our thoughts will be conflicting and we will feel uncomfortable. But accepting the storm is how we navigate more mindfully through it. And in time we may even begin to celebrate the storms

During YOUR storm allow the grief, the confusion, the fear, the anger and whatever the fuck else arises to flow freely.

Live it FULLY !!!

OBSERVE your thoughts and process the experience
Don’t believe every single thought that you think

FEEL every good, bad and ugly emotion that flows
TRUST the process and hold onto HOPE with every ounce of FAITH that you have

Stand up to your fears and say YES I see you

Ask yourself …
What am I most afraid of ? ? ?

Voice it … say it … SCREAM it !!!

I am afraid to fully feel this
I am afraid of loosing you
I am afraid to fully live this experience

Then notice how the fear begins to fade and welcome the RELEASE

SURRENDER and TRUST that Universe is SUPPORTING you

My note to self during surrender is …

Stay OPEN hearted and FEEL it because that’s how we HEAL it

Inhale and exhale DEEPLY because our BREATH helps us to stay fully PRESENT

NOTICE where the energy is FLOWING or blocked

Rise above the fear and embody the LOVE

Mindful interaction ❤