Part of the reason why I’m on a temporary time out from my nursing duties. The other being a need to re-balance my emotions 😜

But it both surprises and concerns me how many women don’t support self care

It surprises me how many visible eye rolls I receive

It concerns me that I sense silent judgements

From those who believe they themselves aren’t able to take a time out, if and when they need to because they have far too many responsibilities to maintain. From those who believe I’m being a little too precious or irresponsible for taking a time out whenever I feel physically unwell or emotionally unbalanced

 Hmmmmm she ponders

WHY are we judging instead of supporting each other to better self care ?

Those of you who know me best, know how I feel about bringing our best selves to our roles and relationships, especially within our caring and nursing roles

I believe this is important because how we feel impacts upon the quality of love and care we are able to give others ❤

As night nurses, we often don’t bring our best selves on shift because of sleep challenges. So even a minor physical sickness or emotional challenge can often be exaggerated when we aren’t well rested

I’m a woman who is well aware of her own limits but I often push past them as I strive for growth. So, I made a choice to push my limits when I came on a night shift not feeling 100% within myself. But it was a choice made out of a sense of obligation and duty. A choice I later regretted because it emptied my already low tank. A choice which then resulted in me snapping during a conflict of interest with my daughter the next day because I became off balance

I pose the question …

HOW can we be expected to respond effectively to challenges and conflicts when we aren’t effectively taking care of ourselves ?

WTF ? ? ?

I know the importance of this stuff, yet I still sometimes make choices based on what others expect of me

Hmmmm she ponders

YES, we are all free to make our own choices and ultimately we are also then responsible for the consequences of those choices. But when it comes to self care we are often influenced by our considerations for other people, especially those who matter most to us

So, if ever you find yourself conflicted between choosing self care or full filling the needs of someone else, I pose these following questions to you …

Am I choosing to prioritize myself or someone else ?

Why am I choosing to prioritize the needs of someone else before my own ?

How does this choice impact on my own experience ?

How does this choice impact on the other persons experience ?

Who am I ultimately responsible for ?

Am I empowering or dis-empowering myself ?

Am I empowering or dis-empowering the other person ?

There are many barriers that prevent us from being able to effectively self care. Questioning our own choices is the first step in identifying those barriers

WHY do I choose self care ?

I choose SELF care because I believe I’m a better ME when I think and feel better

I believe when I’m a better ME that I’m also a better mother, a better nurse, a better sister, a better daughter, a better friend and ultimately a better WOMAN

Lets be a little more mindful in our interactions

I lovingly challenge those of you who either openly or silently judge others for choosing self care

I challenge you to challenge your own beliefs and attitudes

I invite you to choose self care because it isn’t only beneficial for your own health and well being, it also benefits those who matter most to you because you begin to model how to better care, love and nurture yourself and others ❤

Its been a balancing act as I juggle life now, while healing from the past and planning for the future

Some major changes occurring both within and around me

Yesterday I reached my emotional limit and snapped under the pressure

Messy thoughts ran rampant and unsupervised through my mind. Raw emotions were unleashed during a state of panic. I was that whizzing needle on the compass, frantically trying to find its direction because my emotional balance was off center

I wasn’t coping and had an emotional breakdown

A temporary state of WTF ? ? ?

Although I DO trust and embrace this process, while in the midst of it we are unbalanced. So its far from being a comfortable experience

I reminded myself … “its just another storm”

But how I steer my ship during those storms is changing

All those defense mechanisms and coping styles have been brought to light. So they no longer hold the same power and control over my experiences

Old habits may die hard … but they DO die

No longer afraid of feeling the hurt of a broken heart … I open it willingly

No longer afraid of my emotions … I release them freely

No longer afraid of my darkness … I welcome it lovingly

Sometimes I have a firm grip on the wheel and steer right on through the lashing rain, gusty wind and unforgiving ocean. Other times I drop anchor and brave it out. Yesterday I fired a flare and my sisters paddled on out in their row boats

We talked about those changes within and around me and I began to feel a little more confident about the conflict, the challenge and the change

At home I had a few heart to heart conversations with myself and the rains began to ease, the wind dropped, the clouds parted and the ocean calmed

So … I slept

This morning I woke with a deeper understanding about the storm

I had a BREAKTHROUGH !!!

Another mask dropped, another wall removed, another layer of myself discovered

“Breakthroughs happen when limiting thoughts and behaviours are challenged” (Fabienne Fredrickson)

So, after an intense exploration of my inner Aphrodite, sacral chakra energy, I’m now ready to wrap up the experience and move onto the solar plexus

As are hearts break open to more love

Our minds expand to other perceptions and possibilities

We become more aware of ourselves

Mind, body and spirit

Our consciousness begins to stir from a deep sleep

We awaken …

There’s no more avoiding ourselves

Every experience becomes an opportunity …

To open our hearts and to expand our minds

To experiment and to explore

To learn and to grow

Instead of our messy, complicated minds guiding the way

We begin to fall more easily into our heart space of feeling

Trusting that the emotional release will bring us closer to our own truth

Conversations between our mind and body begin to lead us in other directions

Our connection to self deepens

We heal …

Life is a spiral path back to ourselves

WELCOME to the first blog on

Mindful Masturbation

Yes, I’m the kinda woman who opens up all those delicious conversations at a dinner party. The one who is keen, willing and more than able to dive on into the yummy goodness, because she knows how much it will enrich our lives.

Its no secret that I enjoy sex, but multiple disappointments and frustrations over the years have made me STOP and reflect upon the quality of relationship I have with myself, and how its been impacting upon my love and sex life.

It was time to be brutally honest with myself …

… and it stung !!!

I realized, that as a sexually liberated woman, my sex life kinda sucked. Although Ive had many wild and wonderful experiences, very few men have taken the time to stroke my sensual simulators and TURN my buttons ON. Therefore, although Ive experienced plenty of pleasure, Ive had very few mind blowing orgasms with my lovers.

Truth is, Ive faked orgasm to please my partners. Ive sacrificed my orgasms to protect the ego of men. And it took multiple heart hurts to finally understand how, as a liberated woman, I was STILL compromising my needs. Heck, if someone like myself is doing this unconsciously, imagine how many other women are faking their own god damn lives.

FUCK !!!

So, for the most part of this year Ive been abstaining from sex. Choosing to focus more intensely on the relationship I have with myself.

“Celibacy is the abstinence of sex, which is a form of self denial and self restrained usually for religious purposes”. So I’m definitely NOT celibate because I still masturbate. Orgasm is too damn delicious, to deny myself of that sublime pleasure.

However, my masturbation practice is changing with me.

 Although Ive been abstaining from sex, I can honestly say that I’ve been having the most pleasurable and at times even passionate sex Ive ever had in my life …

ALONE …  without a partner

WTF ?

WHY ?

HOW ?

Because the energy around the act of sexual pleasure is changing. It’s becoming more than a need to relieve and release tension. Its becoming more than a need for intimacy and touch from another. Its becoming more than an exchange of love between lovers.

Its becoming a spiritual experience …

and its ALL about ME !!!

Having dived into the depths of my mind, striving to better understand my thoughts. Having dived into the depths of my heart, striving to better understand my emotions. I now dive into the depths of my soul, striving to better understand the flow of my energy.

And the more mindful I become of myself, the more intensely I’m experiencing the energy between myself, Nature and Universe, which is having a HUGE impact upon all aspects of my life, including my masturbation practice. And I feel its something important to share with you because after all, aren’t we ALL seeking more pleasure and LOVE ?

So, I ask YOU …

How do YOU feel about self pleasure ?

What is your motivation for masturbation ?

What is your motivation for relationship with another ?

Lets be clear …

There are 2 motivators involved in our decision to either be in a relationship with someone and our choice for celibacy and/or abstinence

LOVE and FEAR

When we choose from a place of FEAR, then our hearts are closed. We are disconnected from ourselves and the Source of Creation. We either seek completion from another to feel a sense of balance and fulfillment (or) we allow the hurt of a heart break to hold us back from experiencing intimate love and sexual pleasure with self and another.

When we choose from a place of LOVE, then our hearts are open. We are connected to ourselves and the Source of Creation. Heart breaks are opening us up to experience more love because we are learning and growing from them. We allow ourselves to experience intimate love and sexual pleasure, regardless of our relationship status because we believe that we are worthy of it.

So many of my shitful experiences have been rich in lessons of SELF love

But I didn’t choose abstinence because I wanted to deny myself of love and pleasure, on the contrary. As a single woman I decided to temporarily abstain from men, dating and sex because I believe that I am worthy of experiencing the kind of intimate relationship I imagine. So, it was time to dive in deep, figure out the patterns, expose the wounds and determine why the fuck it wasn’t happening ?

My decision was based heavily in honor, value, respect and love for MYSELF  ❤

Has it been easy ?

FUCK NO !!!

I’m a single woman, with an open heart, at her sexual peak with a raging libido. So, ofcourse I’d rather be sharing the experience with someone.

The irony 😊 hahahaha

Hence why and how the art of mindful masturbation came about.

Ive already shared my thoughts, feelings, history and my first healing experience of masturbation. But if you haven’t already read it, then CLICK on the link if it interests you.

There is NO shame in loving thy self

As a self confessed masturbator, I have no shame in admitting I enjoy it. My sexuality is a large part of who I am, it always has been. However, my understanding and my experience of this part of myself is changing with me. And the more shame and guilt I ditch, the more open and willing I am to talk about it, which makes some people very uncomfortable.

But WHY ?

Because for many people, sexuality is a private experience, to be shared only between partners. I was raised in this way too, but its something I continue to challenge. After all, sex is a basic human need and pleasure is our God given right to embrace and enjoy.

So why shouldn’t we openly discuss it ?

Why aren’t we OPEN to experiencing more love and pleasure ?

From experience, I believe that our thoughts and feelings around love, sex and masturbation, can cause a whole range of inner conflicts and tensions, that can then causes problems within our intimate relationships. Granted, sex isn’t necessarily everyone’s priority in a relationship, but if sex isn’t an active part of a relationship, then intimacy and pleasure could be an issue. Because emotional intimacy and physical pleasure influence each other. So if those needs aren’t being actively discussed, then its no surprise that problems will eventually arise within the relationship.

For example, unhappy married women can become more emotionally detached and unhappy married men can become more sexually frustrated. Or vice versa. One of which will eventually lead to either a relationship break down or infidelity.

Is THIS the kind of relationship with self and others we want to experience ?

Its a no brainer really 🤔

Having personally experienced intimacy issues within my own relationships. Having had many conversations over the years with unhappy men and women, both in relationships and single. Having endured my own sexual frustrations. Having had a long and complicated history with a married man. I feel its important to share my own experiences with you, because it hopefully initiates conversations with yourself and/or your partner.

So, WTF am I talking about masturbation ?

Because whether we are single or in a relationship, masturbation is something most of us do (even if too embarrassed to admit it). Its considered to be good for our over all health and well being and it can also improve the quality of our relationships.

So I ask …

WHY aren’t we talking more openly about it ?

Truth is, masturbation has become a very important part of my healing process. Oh yes, sing it to me Barry, in your best soulful sexy voice … “Sexual healing”

… but HOW and WHY ?

As I actively work through exploring my chakra energy, I’m becoming more aware of how my own energy flows. My orgasms are helping me to identify where I’m experiencing any energy blockages, which is guiding me towards learning more about Tantra.

My first tantric experience was last year with my French lover, which then led to my first passionate masturbation experience, alone, during my recent explorations of Lilith energy. It was primal and it was intense, which took me by complete surprise. Something I’m keen to share with you all another time, so watch this space, if ya dare 😋 hahahahaha

Masturbation has always been an enjoyable experience (as it should be), but as it becomes more intense and purposeful, it also becomes more sensual and pleasurable. This excites me because the more I improve the intimate relationship with myself, the more I hope to improve the quality of my future intimate relationship.

Oh YES, I’m a woman who wants to experience the passion, the fireworks and the magic .

But as a single woman with a healthy libido, I’ve often felt challenged and conflicted. Because in the past my desire for intimacy has often lead me towards unsatisfying sex, which has left me feeling used, abused and empty. My lack of self love then guiding me towards men who were unable to love me in the way I deserved, so I was left feeling even more used, abused and empty. A viscous cycle that kept on repeating itself, breaking my heart open over and over again. Leaving me yearning for the love of another instead of loving myself 💔

Yup, I’m a slow learner, but although it was a very unhealthy cycle of behaviour, that’s been self destructive. Sometimes we need to destroy the person we once were, so we can become someone new.

Like most, my journey towards learning how to self love hasn’t been an easy one. But the experiences Ive had have been invaluable to my understanding of love, which I am forever grateful for.

Ive always refused to settle for less than extraordinary when it comes to love. So, why the fuck am I talking about masturbation if I want to attract a soulful partnership ?

Because I strongly believe that mindful masturbation has the ability to reduce societies hunger for pornographic pleasure, and increase the possibility of joining together with our partners in sacred union.

YES, I believe that the magic of mindful masturbation can lead to something extraordinary. And I am VERY keen to explore it further.

Mindful interaction ❤

I read this and reflected upon my own experiences of loss and thought to myself

The purpose of a loss IS to loose part of ourselves because the experience is supposed to CHANGE us

The purpose of a loss IS to loose our sense of security, trust and hope for the future because the experience is supposed to CHANGE our future ?

I believe …

That we cannot be OPEN to love and not also be OPEN to the experience of loss because they are both part of the same spectrum

Yet our experiences of both love and loss can cause us so many problems

So … WHY do we tell ourselves that love and loss is either good or bad ?

Its usually our past experiences that will influence how we think about it

Experience telling us to either expect a positive or a negative experience

But …

Experience also tells us that love isn’t always a good experience

Like falling in love with someone who betrays our hearts or experiencing emotional/physical unwellness as we grieve the loss of a loved one

Experience also tells us that loss isn’t always a bad experience

Like dumping the prick who betrayed us or experiencing emotional/physical wellness when we end a toxic relationship

Isn’t it then fair to say that its OUR thoughts and feelings about the experience of love and loss that makes all the difference to HOW we experience it ?

But …

WHAT IF … we made a conscious choice to CHANGE how we think about loss ?

WHAT IF … the more we learn how to accept and embrace our own shadow, the more we learn to understand and appreciate the darkness in others ?

WHAT IF … the more we understand that energy never dies, the more we accept that death isn’t really the end, only a new beginning ?

WHAT IF … we believe that love and loss was neither a positive nor a negative experience ?

WHAT IF …we believe that both experiences of love and loss was just an experience that brings us opportunities to learn and grow ?

Neither good nor bad ☺

WHAT IF … we accepted BOTH love and loss to flow more freely without attaching any negative or positive thoughts to the experience ?

Would we flow with whatever comes with a little more ease ?

Would we be more willing to OPEN our hearts if we no longer feared the hurt ?

Would we be more OPEN to feel the hurt if we no longer feared the pain ?

Would we learn to appreciate how the experience of loss changes and opens us ?

Is it possible that this change in our thinking could improve our grieving experience ?

Is it possible that this change in our thinking could reduce our experiences of mental health issues and substance abuse ?

Is it possible that this change in our thinking could improve our health and happiness ?

I believe so ❤

Standing back

Focusing on the good

Staying positive

Hoping for the best outcome

But a nagging sense of dread sits just beneath the surface

A feeling we acknowledge …

but refuse to say out loud for fear of breathing life into it

“Trust the vibes you get because energy doesn’t lie”

How do we stand back and be OK with our bad vibes and feelings of dread ?

We ADJUST our thinking

How do we not scream this fear out loud ?

We MUST be completely honest with ourselves

How do we stop ourselves from wanting to repetitively warn those we love ?

We TRUST the process

I believe …

Our need to share our worry and concern for others is more about our own fear

Our need to protect and defend others is more about our own hurt

Our need to influence the choices others make is more about our own self

I acknowledge such truths

Yet as a Mother, how do we separate our fear, hurt and self from our child ?

How do we stand back and watch as their hearts break open ?

How do we stand back and watch as they live out their nightmares ?

How do we stand back and watch as shadow takes them into the darkness ?

How do we stand back and watch as their inner demons dance with them ?

Motherly instinct wants to shield, shelter and save them from themselves

But we must stand back

Standing behind them ready to SIT with them if they fall

Yes … sit with NOT catch

Because when we catch we seek to break their fall

We must be willing to lay down with them in the darkness

To be OK with where ever it is that they are

To do nothing more than BE completely present to what is

To be nothing more than BE completely open to what flows

Allowing OUR emotions to flow more freely gives our child permission to FLOW

Resisting the need to fix, rescue or save gives our child permission to BE

Being honest and open gives our child permission to be more authentic

By standing in our own truth we give our child permission to stand in theirs

Our role as Mother begins to change …

We allow our children to make their own choices and follow their own paths

We allow our children to create their own experiences

We allow our children to bring light to their own darkness

We allow our children to learn and grow

But how do we allow it when sometimes we struggle to accept and embrace it ?

By reminding ourselves that although they will forever and always be our child

They are also growing men and women becoming ALL that they can BE

Responsible for their own choices and consequences

We learn how to take less responsibility for our children

I believe …

As we learn how to embrace our own fears and hurts as valuable opportunities of growth. We also learn how to embrace the fears and hurts of others

Is it easy ?

FUCK NO !!!

Sometimes it can feel like we are in the very depths of hell

As we struggle to overcome our own demons that are created by our own fears and dance with our own shadows that are created by our own hurts

But when we DO

Something beautiful begins to happen

We no longer run from the pain and suffering

We embrace it

The pain takes on new meaning

The suffering has new purpose

We transform our demons into allays and our shadows cast off more light

Being more consciously aware of our own negative behavioral patterns and unhealthy attachments, we are better able to look past our own suffering and start to see the bigger picture

Where we are ALL connected in both our LOVE and our SUFFERINGS

Yesterday …

My heart broke open as I watched my daughter say goodbye to her best friend

My heart ached as I reflected over the past 5 years

So many changes

So much loss

So many gains

Our pets become an important part of our lives, our learning and our growth

Like many, my daughter prefers the company of animals to people

Because animals never hurt or disappointed us like people do

So the death of our pets has always been a deeper sense of loss for her

Weve loved and lost many animals over the years, too many to mention

But this blog is about the connection my daughter has with her beloved dogs

First she lost her sister, Sasha

Our beautiful Husky who was part of our family for 16 years

Then the tragic loss of her best friend Saffron

Our fiercely protective companion we brought home from the dog shelter

and now Laska, her fur baby

A beautiful little soul who came to her when she needed her most

Taken away from her far too soon

None of us would have ever believed it would have ended in this way

None of us prepared for such a twisted plot change

None of us happy about the outcome

But I stand back and I watch

As my daughter sits in the eye of her storm

Confronted by both the very best and the very worst in others

And she rises

She rises above the drama by focusing on what matters most to her

As my daughter lives out the reality of her nightmare

Confronted by both the very best and the very worst within herself

She learns and she grows

As Mothers …

Sometimes we get it right

Other times we get it so very wrong

As Mothers …

We continue to learn and grow as our children do

As Mothers …

We stand back and we watch as our children become ALL they can BE ❤

At the moment I have very few words to speak out loud

Only …

My darling, I’m so very sorry for your loss

Unspoken words flow freely from my heart and fall down onto the keyboard

As once again, I bare witness to your broken heart

Mothers instinct wants to hold onto you ever so tightly and take away the hurt that rips you open

But I know I must stand back, hold space and allow you to feel it

To grow from it

So I hold you and my heart breaks open too

Our tears flow from somewhere deep

Yes, we’ve been here before

And each time its as hard as the last

What is the purpose of a dog ?

A dog comes into our lives and teaches us about unconditional love

They challenge us to be better

Offering us faithful companionship and trusted friendship

Wagging tails and slobbery kisses

Expecting nothing but our time and attention to the present moment

But what if our doggy selection holds a deeper purpose ?

What if a dogs soul is reincarnated and comes back to us ?

We recently spoke about how Laska reminded us of Saffron

Both of them having similar uncanny features and personalities

  Did Saffrons soul return to settle unfinished business ?

Its no secret that my choice to put Saffron to sleep still haunts me

Feelings of guilt still linger

Because as a protective mother I never gave you the option to be present

So here we are again …

In the veterinary surgery, but this time Laskas weak body lays on the table

And I’m so very very sorry that you must go through such pain again

Unable and unwilling to stay strong

My heart opens

Tears flow

And I bare witness to you …

My devoted daughter stroking your beloved little one ever so tenderly

Completely present as she takes her final breath

And I’m in awe of your courage and your strength

Time and time again you teach me so much about life and love

Over and over again I admire and respect the amazing woman you are becoming

As tragic and unfortunate as this is

In the depths of my heart I know the universe orchestrated something we sometimes struggle to understand

Both Saffron and Laska were brought to you because you needed them and they needed you

I believe that a soul is connected to yours

I trust that when the time is right the universe will bring you back together again

Today, we say farewell to her flesh

But know this …

Her spirit energy will forever and always be with you

You will hear it in the roar of the waves that lash up against the shore

You will see it in the twinkle of a star

You will feel it in the gentle breeze that blows soft kisses on your cheek

My darling, I love you so very very much ❤

 

This month the Goddesses worked through the chapter on Aphrodite, our inner beautiful muse. Tanishka led us through our experience with our own Aphrodite energy and then we gathered in circle to discuss it with each other

According to the stories carried down from history, Aphrodite was born from domestic conflict. Her Fathers castrated genitals were thrown out to sea, which produced a white foam that she arose from as a fully grown beautiful woman. The townsfolk married her off to Hephaestus (a humble blacksmith with a crippling disability), who was unable to satisfy Aphrodite’s appetites, so she had passionate affairs with other men

Eventually leaving Hephaestus, she had 2 children with Ares (the God of war). And later had a 3rd child with Hermes (the God of wisdom). The 3rd child was a hermaphrodite (with both male and female sexual organs), which is said to be symbolic of her healed and whole emotional state

Aphrodite is the Goddess of love, desire and pleasure. She is our inner beautiful muse who is driven by a strong need to heal any childhood wounds, though coupling with her opposite

We dont need to look far to see her presence within our world

  Fortunately we are learning how the Barbie dolls we buy for our little girls reinforces an unrealistic expectation of beauty and body image. We are also learning how the beauty and fashion industries have impacted negatively upon the self esteem and self worth of women

The main lesson of this energy is SELF LOVE ❤

Our inner beautiful muse teaches us how …

To appreciate our own unique beauty

To clarify romantic intentions and admit our flirtatiousness, to avoid hurt

How to free ourselves from destructive attachments with those unable to love us

To acknowledge we can only love another as much as we love ourselves

To not seek out prince charming who rescues us from our unhappiness

To own our inner victim and strengthen our ability to meet our own needs, instead of seeking out men to “rescue” us, which creates unwanted karma drama

To take steps to heal our deep emotional wounds

To practice compassion for self and others, regardless of imperfections

To tap into our senses to fully appreciate the experience of pleasure

She challenges us to experience transcendent love without needing the “other” to act as a catalyst, which avoids creating dependent relationships formed from unhealthy attachments

Aphrodite influences our SEXUAL and our CREATIVE energy

According to Tanishka this energy vibrates within our SACRAL CHAKRA, which is located in our pelvis. This is our inner child and pleasure center, where we experience our world through feelings and sensations

This energy is full of EMOTION because its our heart space of FEELING, which influences our creative abilities and our intimate relationships

Many of our challenges in this chakra is related to our social conditioning

Living in a Western culture, feelings are not valued as much as a rational mind. We have been taught to trust the logical process of thought more than our hearts

Our passion and emotional reactions are often frowned upon. We have been taught to not loose control and so we become more and more disconnected from our bodies and from our feelings. Instead of feeling our experiences fully as they happen, we learn destructive psychological self defense mechanisms

We avoid, deny, suppress, regress, act out, repress, dissociate, compartmentalize, displace, project, intellectualize, rationalize and compensate

Fortunately, as our inner wild woman AWAKENS (Lilith) she teaches us how to RECONNECT

Living in a Western culture we are surrounded by SEX because it SELLS !!!

Yet on the other hand we are also challenged with cultural shaming around sexual issues, which results in blocked or excessive energy in this area

As a highly sexual and creative woman I was VERY challenged by this chapter

I confront multiple lessons as my relationship with SELF changes

I continue to experience lots of conflicts and challenges within my intimate relationships, as I consciously focus on my own healing, change, personal development and spiritual growth

  The first time I attempted to work through this chapter, I resisted because I was still in the midst of a heavy heart hurt. I had ended a relationship with a man the previous year and during the healing process was unexpectedly reconnected with an old love (for a 3rd time). A man who came back into my life with the same complications, who ultimately broke my heart open again

During this heartbreak I choose a lover who kept my heart open, who was the catalyst for some deeper healing, to whom I’m very grateful for

But oh yes, my love life was in a bit of a mess !!!

Something that obviously needed to be addressed sooner rather than later

Sometimes I do wonder 😊 hahahaha

With far too many messy thoughts to process and far too many heavy emotions to release, I tentatively retreated and hit ….. PAUSE

So, I will be completely honest with you, I wasn’t really looking forward to getting back into this chapter because I knew it was going to be challenging

Our right to FEEL and our intimacy NEEDS will surface around this energy

Our biggest challenge being our experience of GUILT

Universe blessed me with several opportunities to fully explore and experience this energy, which all became a tad overwhelming, especially towards the end as I juggled other life challenges, transitions and changes

In typical Aphrodite style this energy kept rising as more thoughts became conscious, more patterns became obvious, more emotions were released and more energy was shifted, until it reached a very impressive climaxual conclusion

My perfect storm

The biggest learning for me was ….

Full ACCEPTANCE of emotion, is related to our ability to fully experience the HURT of heartbreak and ALLOW it to break us completely OPEN to love

Full RELEASE of the hurt, is related to our ability to fully overcome our FEAR of being abandoned by another

SELF LOVE then is our ability to release any hurts and overcome any fears that prevent us from FULLY loving ourselves

Sometimes we can love others so much that ultimately we abandon ourselves

Over the years Ive often loved and cared for others more than myself, especially within my role as mother, wife, lover and nurse. Often prioritizing the needs of others above my own. Even now, at times I still struggle with this internal conflict whenever I choose ME first. Each time I chose myself experiences of guilt and shame surface because I feel less than the person they want and/or need me to be

But each time I prioritize the needs of others over my own, I unconsciously say to myself that someone else matters more than I do

Choices that hurt and cause wounds on a personal, cultural and collective level

Granted while our children are young their needs often do come before our own and the needs of our partner are to be considered

BUT …

As our children grow and mature shouldn’t they learn how to become more responsible for their own needs ?

And wouldn’t our relationships flourish more if our partners didn’t rely and depend upon us to meet their needs ?

The process of healing involves acknowledging our wounds, releasing the emotion held in our bodies and then we can begin to experience that wonderful whirly, whizzing orange glow of energy as it flows more freely

Am I totally OPEN and HEALED from all my past choices in love ?

Am I LOVING myself enough ?

Am I completely OPEN to receive the kind of soulful love I seek ?

Only time will answer those question because when it comes to LOVE its all about our every day choices ❤

But I strongly believe that the more self loving we are, the more loving we become. Our service to others then comes from a more stable grounding, which will have many more positive and long term effects

Oh YES … I am enjoying learning more about how energy is blocked and released 😊

Heart shattered
Into pieces
She fell down … broken
Stay open, she begged

💔

Heart twisted
Mind crippled
She lay down … wounded
Stay open, she whispered

💔

Tempestuous emotions
Unrestrained thoughts
She kneeled … bewildered
Stay open, she cried

💔

Breath IN …
Breath OUT …
She stood … agaped
Stay open she screamed

💔

Awakened heart
Conscious mind
She opened … the LOVE poured IN
Stay present she said

❤

 

Walking home on a cold grey winters morning
Fairy faint raindrops sprinkling down over my head
Cool crisp wind blowing onto my cheeks
The smell of earthy damp goodness in the air
Walking through the door
Honey … you’re home
The welcomed relief of ripping off my clothes
And jumping into a hot steamy shower
Water cascading over my curvy cool softness
Pouring onto my tired shoulders
Warming and massaging my aching muscles
Allowing the water to flow and fondle my skin
Blissing out on the luxury of hot running water
Gently drying off my body with a soft towel
Then crawling in between the sheets
After fantasizing about sleep all night long
Cool pillow cushioning my tired heavy head
Melting into the softness that is bed
Sheets caressing my warm naked flesh
Orgasmic bliss without sexual touch
Oh yesssssssss baby !!!!!

The seduction of SLEEP 😊