Why am I angry about not staying angry ?

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I don’t particularly like feeling angry because it usually reflects a sense of not being in control.

A struggle that makes me feel uncomfortable because it reflects a resistance to the flow.

But our emotions communicate so much without words. Anger is a valid emotion that shouldn’t be surpressed, so don’t deny it. There is no shame in feeling any emotion that rises because ALL of our emotions serve a purpose. Anger can be and is a powerful energy that can motivate us forward towards change. 

What makes YOU angry ?

Even if its yourself asking the question, be prepared to be angry about being asked why you are angry. Because anger doesnt like to be questioned, it wants to be in control.

My anger falls as quickly as it rises, which in itself makes me fucking angry. Because I fall into those underlying feelings that bring me back into my truth, where I feel most vulnerable

Fuck it !!!

Dare I share what was making me angry ?

Initially, NO !!!

So, I took pen to paper and wrote about it. To better understand why anger arose, why it fell so quickly and why I was angry about that.

Why was I angry about not being angry ?

Because right now I feel somewhat like the defeated warrior. Life has broken me to the core of my being and I’m bleeding from my open wounds. Dramatic perhaps, but none the less it’s how I feel. Because the world as I knew it was shattered and it’s changed everything.

And I’m not glad about it, I’m fucking angry !!!

Why did cancer come to both of our parents ?
Why did Universe rip Mam from our lives ?
Why did I trust my heart while it was broken ?
Why do my lessons in love have to be so hard ?

Why ? Why ? Why ? Why ?

Questions that are not to be understood, only accepted. But how do I accept what I don’t yet understand ? The seeker in me often struggles to surrender to what IS when I don’t understand

So, I wrote about how I am dealing with the current situation I am in. Acknowledging any emotions, I haven’t fully processed. And sure enough my fear is feeding my feelings of frustration and insecurity. Instead of standing in my power, I am feeling utterly powerless.

Feeling angry about not being able to hold onto my anger, is reflective of my inability to control the situation, which ofcourse I can’t.

Life is unfolding and that IS the journey ❀

Dear Wild Woman …

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Dear Wild Woman
At times your roar won’t rumble
But please don’t be silenced
Know what it is that YOU do or don’t want
Speak your truth even if your voice trembles
Walk your path even if your legs shake
Don’t be afraid to trust your heart
And I beg of you, follow your instincts
Allow your feelings to guide you home
And return to the centre of your being
Where the Source of all Creation flows
And connect with Nature and Universe
YES not everyone will like it
YES you will be judged
YES people will fall away from your life
DO it anyway !!!
Never doubt yourself
Trust the process of change
Accept life as it unfolds 
Acknowledge the hurts and fears as they rise
Seek support and stay open
Feel your way through the pain
Breathe !!!
You are shedding another layer of yourself
You are becoming more conscious
You are discovering something wonderful
After death comes rebirth
So focus on your healing
Believe in yourself
And be ready to receive your hearts desire ❀

If we BELIEVE do we see (or) do we SEE if we believe ?

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Feeling overwhelmed, I decided that I needed a break away from study, work and motherly responsibilities. I was in dire need of some ME time. So I booked myself into a place called “Heaven in the Hills”. I usually took myself away to the mountains to reconnect, but this time I felt like a little romance and a lota sex. Although not in a relationship, I had friends with benefits, who satisfied my wants and fullfilled my needs.

So a weekend of lustful love was planned with (lets call him Felix). He had to work, so I gave him the details. Felix planned to join me later and I arrived early. Booking myself in for a massage from the lady in the main house, who offered a variety of healings and relaxation therapies. I’d seen her before and swore she had magic flowing through her hands. Intuitively, knowing exactly where the tension was in my body and using the right amount of pressure to relieve it.

Yup, it was heavenly alrighty !!!

At the end of the massage, I was laying on my back, in a state of blissful relaxation, when she positioned herself to do some reiki. I felt the warm buzz of energy as soon as her hands rested on my head. An energy that flowed in a way I’d never experienced before. Waves of emotion vibrated through my body. I felt my heart chakra open up and was overcome by an overwhelming sense of sadness. I was mindful of my thoughts, “Don’t make a fool of yourself, DON’T cry” !!!

But I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. I cried and cried and cried, then felt the energy moving from my heart, up towards my head. Pressure began to build in my head but her hands seemed to absorb it. The whole time, she kept her hands resting on my head, until my entire body relaxed again. I lost track of time and drifted off into a deep sleep.

When I woke, I felt strange, as if I had arrived on a new planet. I thought to myself “WOW, that was amazing.” My body felt relaxed but heavy when I got off the table. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought “Geeez, you look bloody rough.”

The woman was waiting for me outside the room, with a cool drink of water and a smile. When I told her how embarrassed I was for crying, she explained to me that it was the release my body needed.

She suggested I go take a bath, drink plenty of water and sleep. Inviting me to come along to the group sound meditation the next day. I said I’d think about it, but I was looking forward to being ravished. I was there to indulge in lotsa sex, not hang out with a bunch of people listening to a gong. So I pottered back to the cabin, ran myself a bath and opted for a glass of whiskey instead of water. But it wasn’t long before I could barely keep my eyes open. So I dried myself off and decided to take a nap.

When I woke it was dark outside because I had napped for 3 hours. I checked my phone to see if there was a message from Felix, but there was no connection. I figured he must have worked later than expected and was opting to join me the next day. Because there’s no way he could find this place in the dark. So I got the log fire going, made myself a bite to eat, poured another whiskey and settled down with a book before sleeping.

The next morning, I felt a little heavy in the head, so I poured a big glass of fruit juice and ate a hearty breakfast. Feeling a flow of creative inspiration, I grabbed my journal and started writing. Afew hours later, I wondered if Felix had been trying to reach me. So I got dressed and walked up to the main house, hoping there would be phone reception there.

Nope, no phone reception, but I wondered if he would call the office if he couldn’t reach me. So I rang the doorbell and asked if anyone had rang asking for directions. No one had, so now I was starting to feel a little annoyed. He had been known to let me down before, so I was starting to feel abit disappointed.

Walking back to my cabin, I noticed a large gong in the corner of the therapy room and lotsa cushions on the floor. The note on the door said it started in an hour, so I thought what the heck, why not.

There was eight of us and we were told to make ourselves comfortable on the floor with the cushions. I had no idea what to expect because I’d never been to a group meditation or heard a gong of this size before. So, I found myself a quiet corner to lay down and I waited for guidance. She told us to close our eyes, focus on our breath and to allow the sounds to take us wherever they carried us.

In the beginning I felt abit awkward being the newbie. Totally out of my comfort zone and a little anxious about fully letting go. But the sounds from the gong were divine, so it didn’t take long for the mind chatter to stop.

As I slipped deeper into a state of relaxation, I began to feel like I was somewhere else. The rhythmic sounds of the gong carried me away.Β  I was suddenly running through a forest at great speed. I could feel the branches of trees against my body, as I rushed past them. I felt the exhilaration of the wind on my face and when I looked down, I didn’t see my feet.

I was a Tiger !!!

My heart beated to the vibrations from the gong and I felt like every cell in my body was excited. I was transfixed by the sounds from the gong. The faster I ran the more my breath increased. I was panting heavily, but as she changed the rhythm on the gong, my experience began to change. My heart rate slowed down and I was in my own body again. My mind was trying to understand what the fuck had just happened, but I couldn’t open my eyes. I kept focusing on the sounds from the gong and my breath. Allowing myself to fall deeper and deeper into relaxation. The tone of the gong changed again and I was suddenly running ontop of a mountain top. I wondered what was I ?

I was an Eagle !!!

Fearful of heights, my mind wanted to stop me from falling, but I wasn’t in my body. I was the eagle. I watched my feet as I ran for the edge of the mountain and gasped as the wind took my breath away. “Fuck me, I’m flying.” I thought to myself. As I soared above the clouds and over the mountain ranges. My chest expanded as my lungs inhaled the air and I felt alive. The rhythm of the gong eventually changed and I was once again in my body. But it wasn’t over yet. She changed the rhythm once more and the deeper tones took me into an unfamiliar place. I wondered where was I and what was I ?

I was in the ocean as a Whale !!!

Fearful of drowning, my mind wanted to throw me out of the meditation. For a few moments I was floating around in the dark depths, but panic soon threw me back into my body.

“WOW that was fanfookintastic” !!!!

The gong was still vibrating and everyone else was still in relaxation, but I layed there with my eyes open, eager to share my experience.

I didn’t walk back to the cabin, I floated. I still hadn’t heard from Felix but I no longer gave a fuck. I had just experienced something that left me feeling in a prolonged state of climax. I ran the bath, undressed, submerged my naked flesh into the warm water and made love to myself. I had several intense orgasms that night, no whiskey and a restful sleep.

When I woke I felt amazing and I was starving, so I cooked up a big breakfast and poured myself a cup of tea. As I sat at the dining table, I gazed upon the garden. Noticing how the crimson sunrise was shimmering light inbetween the trees, through fairy ferns and upon fallen leaves. I was in total awe of the beauty.

I noticed the bugs buzzing to and fro and tiny winged creatures that danced with the light. “But what was that I just seen” ? I blinked and looked again. Something the size of my index finger was playfully dancing with the tiny winged creatures that danced with the light. My eyes widened and my heart fluttered because I’ve always believed in fairies, but this was the very first time I’d ever seen one.

She had noticed me too and was equally curious about me. Slowly approaching the window, we gazed upon each other. She had long brown limbs and although she wasn’t wearing clothes, her body was covered in what looked like leaves. As she got closer, her head tilted to the side and I leaned in to get a closer look. Her small round face was so very small and delicate, the size of my smallest finger nail, but she was captivating.

I blinked and she was gone !!!

Rubbing my eyes, I wondered what had just happened ? Had I caught a glimpse into another dimension ? Was I face to face with a magical creature ? Had I connected with a Nature Spirit ? Did I really just see a fairy ?

Excited to tell my family but reluctant to share my story with others, who may believe me crazy. I realize now that it was the beginning of a wonderful relationship with the Nature of spirit.

You may wonder what happened to Felix. Well, he told me that he had tried to reach me without success. Apparently his car played up and he lost the directions, but I was doubtful. So I thanked Universe for intervening with my plans and began to open up to the magic 🌟

Let the healing begin

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Falling in love is easy
Living in love is challenging
Growing together in love is rare
Forever the hopeful kinda gal
I trust that the one for me is on his way
But for now its me, myself and I time (AGAIN)
Yes …
My heart feels the sadness of loss
My mind keeps replaying the what ifs
I feel the sting of rejection
I feel the wound of abandonment
But I realize that my conflictions in love
And the way my relationship ended
Intensifies my grief
The loss of my beloved Mother
Sits at the core of my hurt
Some days my thoughts drive me crazy
Some days my heart ache is unbearable
But each day I have a choice
Most days I choose to focus on the healing
Consciously aware of myself
I observe the thoughts that flow
I feel the emotions that rise and fall
Other days
I fall into the depths of my despair
Knowing no one can save me from this
On those difficult days I remind myself
That this is important work for my soul
That our healing matters to this world
Sometimes all I can DO is breathe
Either overwhelmed
Messy thoughts and heavy emotions
Or empty and numb
Each day is different and that’s OK
If you are choosing to heal your wounds
Trust the process
Don’t give up on yourself
Because YOU are worthy of love ❀

Soul work requires the vulnerability of truth

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In the heaviness of her grief, she spoke the truth that surfaced from within the dark depths of her broken heart. Knowing it was the only way she could live an authentic life.

More aware of her seasons, reasons and lifetimes, she either opened up to or pushed people away. Knowing in time, it would determine who was meant to stay or be released from her life.

No matter how much pain it caused her to keep an open heart and mind, she refused to give into her fears. Knowing that her greatest adventure was awaiting on the path she couldn’t yet see.

She has the heart of a warrior

Generous with her love and forgiving of heart, but she’s no longer the fool in love. While her heart is hurting, she protects what’s sacred to her. Knowing that not everyone serves her growth or healing.

She feels the devastating discomforts of heartache, but refuses to be the victim and fall into the abyss of her pain. Knowing that it’s her own choices that liberates her from suffering.

As she continues to navigate through the dark night of her soul, she walks with grace. Guided by the energies of Universe that flow. Knowing that this is the path she was destined to walk.

Releasing herself from the old story, she lets go of the men causing the conflict within her heart. Knowing neither of them were the beloved, who could dive into the depths and surrender to love.

In her solitude she is becoming more soulful in her purpose. She falls, but each time she rises stronger than before. And she knows that the love she is yearning for is seeking her too.

She continues to feel her way through the dark night of her soul

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The road ahead resembled the chaos in her mind and the confusions in her heart. When she looked ahead, all she could see was a Spaghetti Junction.

Unable to make sense of the muddle, she stood still. Trusting that Universe would eventually show her the way.

She waited.

Three paths soon emerged before her …

A road from the past
A road of the present
A road towards the future

Each road offering a different experience, depending upon the choice she made.

Having noticed the not so subtle reminders of harsh lessons from the past, she decided that it was time to leave the past behind her, where it belonged. She let go of the what ifs and if onlys. Releasing herself from the fantasy and confronted the reality of what was.

Open and wounded, she dared to offer him her broken and bruised heart. But she had pushed him into the arms of another woman. So he was now torn between the two paths that had emerged before him.

Regretful of her choices, she now suffered the consequences of her conflictions. Rejected and vulnerable, she could only accept her fate.

To walk the path towards her future, alone. Unsure if their paths are destined to ever merge again, she surrenders to the will of Universe. Trusting that all is as it should be and continues to feel her way through the dark night of her soul.

Dark Moon is taking me deeper

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Why does it still take me by surprise whenever I resonate with what’s happening with the stars?

Isn’t this flowing with Universe ?

Feelings of unworthiness has been heavy in my heart and doubt has been walking by my side. Ofcourse, I’d rather be in better company but whether I like it or not, here they are.

So it’s better to acknowledge their presence and ask what they have to say. I often have these kinds of conversations with myself, but this morning my sister connected with me at the right time. And there were words shared between us, that offered me deeper insight.

She offered the voice of reason in the midst of my chaos. Because doubt has a way of triggering our greatest fears and deepest hurts. Its a place where the mind is stimulated into overdrive and our wounds release emotion.

So it’s far from rational 😜

Dark moons bring to the surface whatever wants to be released. Something that needs to change because it no longer serves our greater good. It can be related to a situation, a person, a habit, a pattern or a belief that limits us.

This month, I’ve been dragged deeper into the dark and shown some of my deeper wounds.

Truth is, I ended my relationship because I told myself that he deserved to be loved better than I was able to love him at this time. But did that mean I was unworthy of love ?

As doubt nagged in my ear this morning, I had thoughts of regret, unleashing my emotions. I felt a sense of panic and had a strong desire to act. But instead of acting out, I sat with myself.

As I observed the thoughts flowing through and allowed emotion to rise and fall, the energy shifted and I recognized what I was avoiding.

Myself !!!

What is my worth ?
How do I measure my value ?
Who is responsible for loving me ?

In my minds eye, I see my inner child laying in the fetal position. The part of me that reaches out for external validation, comfort, support, nurturing and love from others. A part of me that’s so very afraid to be alone in this world.

Is this the inner child missing her Mother ?

Is it the feeling centre of ALL my grief ?

Is this the source of Collective Mother wound ?

Is this where the healing begins ?

Note to self: I AM responsible for the energy I bring. All is as it should be, trust the process, keep your heart open and allow life to unfold.

I’m lost inside of myself

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Whenever my body, mind and heart are in conflict, like they are now. I feel CONFUSED.

So I listen to what my gut instincts are saying, but there’s so much noise going on inside me.

I can’t determine who’s saying what ? ? ? ?

My body wants to feel the warmth of touch
My mind wants to protect me from hurt
My heart wants to open me up to love

And my guts are feeling nauseous !!!

In my confused state, I can neither trust my thoughts or feelings. So, I retreat to my bed and sleep. Falling deeper into my inner world.

Lost inside of myself !!!

Please, I beg. Give me clearer answers so I can move in the right direction. But the questions persist and the answers are not yet known.

There is no escape from my confusion.

Its an unknown space of uncertainty, where I feel the most uncomfortable. My unconscious mind screams the loudest, as truths wriggle and squirm inside of me like a serpent.

The liberation of my consciousness !!!

A shift in perception and a change of heart that promises the clarity of mind and direction.

Trust the process and ……… breathe ❀

How do you still feel the love when a relationship ends?

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I’m learning that when relationships end, its often difficult to gain closure, heal and move on with an open heart thats willing to love again. Because we are often blind to the other persons truth, which offers an incomplete story.

Hence why I often contemplate over my own experiences of love and loss.

I was feeling a little more anxious about arriving in the UK because I was confronting the end of my relationship. Before leaving Australia I was forced to be brutally honest with myself. After a tough 7 months, it was time to do what’s right for me. Truth be told, my heart hasn’t been fully committed to the man who was loving me. So, I had been completely honest with him before returning to the UK.

He knew I still loved another man but my grief keeps pulling me back into solitude. To focus on the relationship I have with myself and this new world I now find myself in. My heart’s so very confused and conflicted. I feel unable to love him in the way he deserves. And if we’re both being totally honest with each other, he wants to settle with someone in the South and I want to put some roots down in the North.

Such conversations are always best shared face to face, but I wanted him to know how I was truly feeling before he picked me up. So he could make the choice to see me or not.

We were both preparing our hearts for closure. But I certainly wasn’t expecting the curve ball he threw me on our drive from the airport. I was shocked to hear that he was dating again so soon. And wondered, how could he move on so quickly? It was news that gave rise to a multitude of feelings, to an already weary me from travel and emotional goodbyes.

Although a little relieved that he is moving on, I was hurt that he didn’t wait until I had returned to the UK. I was angry that he didn’t give me the same respect I had given him. I was jealous of the new woman now in his life. And I was so very disappointed about loosing the possibility of maintaining a friendship.

In all fairness, it was to be expected when I had been pushing him away. But I truly believed that his silence was about giving me some time & space, to clarify my confusions. Deep down, I had hoped he would fight harder for me and our relationship. So, yes, my heart hurts but my ego is also a little bruised.

As you can imagine it was an intense 24 hours together. Because both of us still love one another, but it seems that the depth of our love isn’t strong enough to hold our relationship together. And there is no one to blame for that.

I certainly don’t blame him for his choices and totally understand his actions. And I take full responsibility for the part I have played. I have broken his heart and nothing about that feels good for either one of us.

In all honesty, I don’t believe that we can avoid the pain of a hurting heart. Because having witnessed one of the greatest love stories reach a bitter end. I’ve learned that love and loss are just equal sides of the same coin.

As I watched my parents hold onto each other during their greatest fear, with such selfless love and devotion. It was a vision that both broke and warmed my heart to see. And an experience that forced me to reflect upon my own intimate relationships.

When it comes to love, I walk a very different path to my parents and sisters. It seems I haven’t really walked a parallel path with the men I’ve loved. A truth that hit me hard when the man loving me, said that our time together had been the best times of his life.

I wondered how could this be so, when it was in fact the worst time of my life ? 

Although I was glad to hear that he was leaving the relationship more confident within himself. I couldn’t help but feel a little annoyed because I’m feeling so very insecure in myself.

But I strongly believe that our relationships offer valuable lessons in love. So I’m always grateful for the reflection (in-to-me-see). And I’m always grateful for the love that is shared.

Although I consider myself blessed to have experienced love with many wonderful men over my 44 years of life, I often wonder …

Am I destined to grow in love, alone ?

And so the journey continues ❀

Sitting on the beach last night, alone with my sorrow and insecurities, I felt HELD ❀ Perhaps it was the warm presence of spirit ?

Sometimes I wish I had the gift of sight. The ability to SEE who sits and walks with me. Oh Mam, how I long to look up and see your face.

Although we shared, there’s still so much left unsaid between us. I miss our conversations about life and love. I’m struggling to shake the regrets from my mind, that continue to torture me. What if you’re the only one who can release me from my suffering ? Will this cold dark of night ever leave my side ? Will I ever feel the warmth of the sun on my heart again ?

Yesterday, I felt the familiar sting of loss and rejection, that triggered my fears and brought a sense of chaos in my mind. Shared truths that created distance and space for other feelings to arise from the depths of my being. Like a wounded child, I sought comfort from my Mam

Hold me πŸ’”

” It’s good to also be aware that Virgo transits can cause us to be more critical than usual – of ourselves & others. So be mindful of how you share your observations, feedback & suggestions with others. ”

I often fail in my interactions because I’m not mindful enough. I wish I’d read Tanishka’s moon wisdoms yesterday. Maybe it would have given me a broader perspective into my feelings and a deeper understanding into my thoughts. Perhaps my conversations would have been more loving and less critical. Maybe I could have avoided the sting of rejection and loss that brought rise to my deeper wounds.

But what if those mindless interactions take us to where we need to go ? To bring our deeper truths from the darkest parts of our hearts πŸ’”