Dear Mam,

You were there for my very first breath and I consider it an honour to have been there for your final breath.

I recall a conversation we had on the beach, on one of our sunrise walks. You told me that you weren’t afraid of dying, but you weren’t ready to leave us. You wanted to prove those Doctors wrong and show us another way. But most of all you wanted others to believe in miracles.

Although it wasn’t the miracle we had hoped for, Universe did sprinkle a little magic into our lives. Our wish for a peaceful death was granted, and for that I’m ever so GRATEFUL.

Truth is, we couldn’t have achieved your wish to die at home, without the help of a loving and supportive Community.

Unbeknowns to us at the time, you guided us through a process that very few are privelaged to experience.

Because how we experience death, has changed so much over the years. It’s become a clinical or lonely process.

As a culture, we’ve lost so many of our traditional customs and rituals along the way. And this was something that you helped us, as a family, to explore.

Caring for your end of life at home was the hardest thing I’ve EVER done. It was full of so many concerns, conflicts and challenges. But it was also the greatest gift I’ve ever been given. And for that I’ll be eternally GRATEFUL.

Sharing this experience as a family has strengthened our love. And I’m ever so GRATEFUL for my beloved FAMILY ❤

I’m so very thankful for the support and guidance from the Palliative Care team. They made caring for you at home possible, to which I’m GRATEFUL.

The love and support we received from ALL of our family and friends gave us comfort during our most challenging days, for which I’m GRATEFUL.

The consistant support of some very special people has and continues to give us strength during our most difficult days, for which I’m GRATEFUL.

And I feel its important to mention that the presence and loving energy of Uncle Steve, James, Liz, Harry and Fiona on your final day was a blessing that enabled us to better support both you and Dad through your transition. And for that my sisters and I will be eternally GRATEFUL.

We have so much to be grateful for ❤

I’m telling you what happened as if you were unawares, but something tells me that you knew so much more than us.

But I’m gonna share with you anyways.

I noticed how spirit started to connect with us afew days before your passing. Different birds began to show up in the garden and their behaviours captured my attention. First, it was the Kookaburra. He came when the going started to get REALLY tough. I watched him sitting ever so patiently, as a wee wiggy wag tail harassed him persistently. I believe he came with “healing energy” and his message was to stay open to spirit, to stand strong as a family and to no doubt remind me to lighten the fuck up.

Three beautiful black Cockatoos showed up next. I heard them calling and seen them sitting in the tree just outside of your bedroom window. I believe they came with “Liberating energy” and their message was that of emotional freedom and the sharing of spiritual truths.

Hence why I feel compelled to share my words, perhaps?

The fearless Butcher bird interacted with us the day before your passing. I’m not certain what message he brought? But his boldness made me feel a strong sense of connection with spirit, which may be the message in itself.

And then a bird flew into your bedroom window the morning of your passing, which is a sign of Death approaching.

Reflecting over the messages our feathered friends brought us, makes me smile ☺ Because you’ve always believed feathers to be gifts from spirit, a belief that we as a family share. For many years you’ve collected feathers on your path. A collection you planned to create something wonderful with.

A sense of sadness overcomes me because you never had the time to do this. Perhaps you’ll guide us to create something beautiful for you?

The day before your passing we gathered all the Grandchildren together. To say their final farwells to you, their beloved Grammy. I hope that you felt a whole lota love, laughter and life around you that day, as you slept. Because this was the Wake we had spoken about you being a part of, the week before.

The Grandchildren left that night but your big brother and 3 of your closest friends stayed with us. We took turns to sit by your side while others slept.

I believe that there was so much more meaning and purpose to the experience than any of us realized at the time.

Truth is, your death was beautiful ❤

It was the morning of Friday 3rd November. Your breathing changed and we knew your transition was close.

So we all gathered around the bed inwhich you layed. I held your hand and played some of your favourite songs on my phone. “Life in a Northern town” by the Dream Academy and “What a Wonderful World” by Lois Armstrong.  

When I asked my sisters what to play next, they said “you know which one sis”. I did, but I admit that I was reluctant to play it because when Dad played it for you the week before, our hearts broke 💔

The song was “There goes my everything” by Englebert Humperdink.

As the song played, our hearts broke open and our tears flowed. You took your final breaths listening to that song, knowing how much you were loved. Your spirit left your body peacefully at 6am

Since you crossed over to the Other side, reality still doesn’t feel real. I already miss your physical presence so much it hurts, but I still feel your energy.

I wonder, was it you who flickered my fairy lights as I layed in my bed?

I wonder, was it you who created the beautiful giant white feather in the sky?

I wonder, was it you who left the soap sud heart at my feet in the shower?

Although I grieve the loss of you, my heart knows that death isn’t the end.

I love you forever and always ❤

Yesterday, a wave of panic rushed over me as I stood in the kitchen. Out of no where came a sudden rush of heat. And as my hands shook and my body trembled, memories of my first panic attack resurfaced.

I was 27 years old, in the UK attending my very first funeral, saying goodbye to my beloved Granda. I recall sitting in the crowd, feeling suffocated by my emotions. Sweating as my heart raced faster and faster, I couldn’t breathe and it felt like I was going to faint.

I needed air !!!

So I stood up and headed for the door, but as I reached for the handle someone stopped me … it was you

You wrapped your arms around my trembling shoulders. I told you that I desperately wanted to flee but you insisted that I stay.

We stood at the door as the final song played and the curtains were drawn. You held onto me, as my heart felt the loss and my tears began to flow. I was a little angry with you for not letting me go, yet comforted by your love.

Today, we started preparations for your funeral and waves of emotion roll over me, as I feel the heaviness of my grief. The ache in my heart is a constant reminder that you’re missing from us.

How can I get through this without you?

Although I sense your spirit energy and am grateful for the signs. I long to look into your eyes, to hear your voice, to smell the familiar scent of home and to feel the warmth of your loving embrace

I miss your physical presence 💔

Tonight, I notice how my anxious heart now beats much slower. Although I breathe a little easier knowing you’re no longer in pain, my heart aches. It aches because I grieve the loss of your beautiful body. The womb that gave me life, eyes that looked deep into my soul, lips that smiled whenever you seen me, ears that listened to my worries and fears, hands that held mine, arms that hugged me tightly, feet that walked beside me, a mind that challenged me and a HEART that ALWAYS loved me 💔

But as the tears flow freely from my heart, I know that you’re so much more than the body I miss so very much. Because I sense your spirit close. A beautiful energy radiating so much love and light, that makes me feel safe, supported and loved. I look forward to falling into my dreams and drifting between worlds ❤

I wandered to the toilet for my usual morning piddle, pausing at my parents bedroom door.

Peering inside I see an empty hospital bed and and our beloved Father curled up in the single bed, alone and my heart hurts 💔

I come back to bed and open up facebook to read the many beautiful messages and posts that you all openly share with us. About our beloved Mother and I see how much she has touched all of your hearts.

I feel a sense of pride because she’s my Mam.

But then I feel a little uncomfortable when I notice how jealousy and envy begin to rise within me. Because I think about how far and wide her spirit will soar. I fear that I won’t be able to feel her close and I feel a little angry.

As my mind ticks with a multitude of irrational thoughts that trigger emotion to flow. My heart reminds me to not dwell in the depths of my mind, nor get lost in the darkness of my fears.

To heal we must FEEL and RELEASE !!!

So I don’t linger in my thoughts nor my feelings

I ride the waves of my grief

Truth is,

Although she loved you all, we were the centre of her Universe and family was her everything.

I notice how my mind replays memories and moments that keep taking me back in time. There isn’t one memory that doesn’t involve YOU in some way. For almost 44 years you have been at the very heart of who I am.

And I wonder

How can I move forward without you ?

Although life just keeps on moving as it did
before, nothing about this day feels the same without you. Our world has been shattered into pieces and it’ll never to be the same again.

I miss you 💔

Anticipatory grief …

If you’ve never heard of that before, than google and have an insightful read. Because it explains how the grieving process isn’t something that happens when someone we love dies.

As a family, our grieving began the very first day that our beloved Father was diagnosed with cancer. We grieved the loss of the hopes and plans that our parents had for his retirement.

Each of us responded to that grief in our own unique ways, neither way right nor wrong. Then we were hit with the devastating diagnosis of our beloved Mother. Something that hit our already hurting hearts with an almighty blow.

Mam’s experience has been different to Dad’s from the get go. Forcing my sisters and I to confront the harsh reality of this situation far too soon. Forever conflicted between hoping for the best, while preparing ourselves for the worst.

A grieving process that brings us closer

I keep seeing our family as a structure, each playing a vital role in how we function together as a whole.

Our beloved Mother, the HEART ❤
Our beloved Father, the MIND
My sisters and I, the BONES

(Back bone, funny bone, wish bone)

During this time, the heart of our family is breaking OPEN as a whole. But I see it as something that serves a far greater purpose than breaking our hearts. I don’t believe that loss is only to make us suffer. I believe that heart breaks are the growing pains of our soul.

A belief that continues to navigate me through the darkest storm of our lives. Because no matter who we are, where we come from or what our relationship is like, the loss of our beloved Mother is something that we ALL feel.

But I also believe that Death isn’t the end.

A belief I share with my family, and it’s something that also guides us through these darkest of times.

For me, this is another life experience to learn and grow from. Something that unlocks hidden aspects of my heart, mind and soul. Providing me with deeper understandings about myself and the influence I have on others.

But don’t be fooled because there are many times when I feel overwhelmed by my conflicts and concerns. Times when my mind and heart are at war with each other, striving to find a sense of balance.

Truth is, it’s difficult to stay focused on the bigger picture when our hearts are breaking open. Because our thoughts are irrational and our emotions intense.

But I’m learning how to trust in the challenging process of change.

Truth is, no matter how much we want things to stay the same. The ebb and flow of life will continue as Nature intended. So during our most darkest of days, I hope that my family and I continue to express love from our open hearts and allow our lights to shine.

Because at the heart of our grief there is nothing but LOVE ❤

Mindful interaction ❤

I’m sitting in the lounge room with my parents, writing as they sleep ❤

Listening to the humming sound as the oxygen concentrator pumps air into Mam’s lungs and the wheeze that she exhales as she sleeps. Looking at Dad curled up on the couch, asleep.

My younger sister’s in the spare room cuddled up with her hubby and I’m awake. Because I chuffed of to bed much earlier in the night. For some much needed sleep and rest catch up.

Mam’s been sleeping for both England and Australia lately, but last night she had some broken sleep. Pushing her body a little too far and she suffered for it. A woman who once walked for miles and miles, now struggles to walk afew metres.

Its distressing to see her suffer 💔

But as she sleeps peacefully beside me, I smile as I think about the warrior woman she is. A fighting spirit that still shines through. And I reflect over those little things that she said and did during the few hours of wakefulness.

Like shaking her head at me being a silly bugger. Grabbing her phone, fumbling with the camera to take a photo of me wearing cheezles on my fingers like rings. Ever so cheekily demanding a massage and sharing whatever pops into her mind without a social filter ☺

We had a big day of visitors yesterday and it brought many a smile to her dial. But it also takes alot of energy for her to present her best self to you all. That’s why we ask that people be mindful of their visits, for all of our sakes.

As a family, we ride a roller coaster of emotions that can become overwhelming.

It’s wonderful to have her home ❤

We’re blessed with the love and support of family, friends and community services. But none of that stops the fear from surfacing and the sadness in our hearts from hurting. However, it does ease some of our anxieties and for that we are ever so grateful ❤

The nurse in me sees things that the daughter doesn’t want to see, which can cause me alot of inner conflict. Some of those words I shared with you yesterday.

As a woman who chooses to be open, it feels right to share parts of my inner most experiences with you. But I’m a litte more mindful about my sharings these days.

Because these are trying times for us all. So I want my words to touch your hearts gently, as I express my truth with as much honesty as I can.

Mindful interaction ❤

Dear Diary,

I’m no stranger to the dying process, having worked in Aged Care for 17 years. I’ve cared for so many people during their final stages of life.

So, why does it feel so hard to care for you, our beloved Mother ?

Death continues to teach me so many valuable lessons about life, as I overcome some of my darkest fears.

So, why does it feel so hard to rise above the fear and step into love ?

I can honestly say that I consider it a privelage, to be in the presence of spirit. As the energy of a being, reunites with the Source of all Creation. My sisters and I are so very grateful to experience the cycle of life. Here by your side, the woman who’s womb we birthed from.

So, shouldn’t I consider it a blessing to be a part of this beautiful process ?

Hmmmmm, I wonder …

Why doesn’t it feel the way I had hoped?
Why is there so much resistance?
Why the fuck do I struggle to flow?

Because you are my beloved Mother ❤

Truth is,

In those few hours of wakefulness its easier to convince ourselves that you might bounce back from this ordeal. That this is just another obstacle for you to overcome. And maybe, just maybe, you will prove them all wrong.

But the nurse in me keeps seeing things that the daughter doesn’t want to see.

Everyday we see how the fight gets harder and harder for you. Everyday we see you getting weaker and weaker. And as your deep sleeps get longer and longer. We see it for what it really is.

Our Mother, slowly slipping away from us. And try as we might, there’s absolutely nothing we can do to stop it.

We feel helpless !!!

The Doctors never promised a cure, but their treatments offered you more time. But as the beastly cancer continues to feed, I fear that time is closing in on us all too quickly, and I’m scared.

So I focus my attention on your request to be pain free, comfortable, cared for at home and to die with dignity.

Truth is,

We all want so desperatly to wake up from this nightmare and get off the rollercoaster ride of emotions. But we stay fully present, by your side. Riding these turbulant waves with you.

During this storm of all storms 💔

And just when we think that we’re getting a handle on things, yet another challenge is presented that we must confront and we loose our grip.

But as a family, we’ve been compared to a flock of geese. When one falters the others takes over, giving the one lagging some much needed rest and support.

I love that most about our family ❤

Although we sometimes challenge one another, there’s no judgment. We love, accept, respect and cherish each other. But that doesn’t stop our own individual challenges, nor should it.

As nurse/carer and daughter, I struggle

Conflicted between what I hope for and the reality of what is. Torn between what’s expected from me and what I’m capable of achieving. Tormenting myself with feelings of failure whenever I think I’m letting you all down.

Truth is,

Accepting what is, is hard enough. But preparing myself and others for what’s yet to come, has ripped hope from the hearts of those I love most. Something that causes my heart great distress.

I’m trying so very hard to stay strong, so that you feel safe and secure, but at times, I struggle. So I dig deep and pray to the heavens above for the strength and support I need to get through this.

We all do !!!

Because caring for your end of life at home isn’t easy. Our hearts are in a constant state of anxiety.

Why don’t I feel calm ?
Why can’t I find peace ?

Fears demand to be confronted. Forcing me out of my mind and leading me into the heart, where I feel this experience most intensely.

This isn’t how I want it to be !!!

I know I must release myself from my fears and surrender to the flow, yet I hold on. Afraid that you’re slipping away from this world all too soon.

Although I believe that death isn’t the end, but a transition of energy to be embraced. I’m not ready to let you go. I don’t want to give up the fight. I want to hold onto your physical form, tightly.

But as your struggle intensifies, I notice how I seem to gain more comfort when your body is resting peacefully in sleep. Something that causes me great conflict, because it reflects a sense of comfort with you resting in peace.

How can I be at peace with that ?

I explore my fears a little further and realize that I’m afraid that your death won’t be the peaceful transition I hope it will be. And I’m afraid I won’t feel you close when your spirit is released into the cosmos. I’m challenged by the need to surrender to this dance with death.

A whisper …

“A body is not me. I am not limited by this body. I am life without boundaries.
I have never been born and I have never died. Since before time, I have been free. Birth and death are only doors
through which we pass, sacred thresholds on our journey. Birth and death are a game of hide-and-seek. So laugh with me, hold my hand, let us say good-bye, say good-bye, to meet again soon. We meet today. We will meet again tomorrow. We will meet at the source every moment. We meet each other in all forms of life ”
(Thich Nhat Hanh)

A conversation with Universe ❤

I remind myself,

That the reason why I believe that there’s so much more to life. Is because death has opened up my eyes to things that life could never show me.

For what is it to die, but to stand naked in the wind, melt into the sun, fall upon the stars and become as one with the light.

So, I hold onto my faith.

I trust that it’s the love we feel for one another, that gives us the strength we need to get through this. And I hope and pray that you will find peace. So that death can kiss you gently.

Our beloved Mother ❤

Suffacated,
by my own thoughts and feelings.

A struggle to be in the presence of too many and to be asked to do too much.

My emotions flow as one with the rain
My energy moves as one with the wind

Turbulence

Noises that irritate
Things that annoy

One minute needing people close
The next challenged by their presence

Inner conflict that brings a state of unrest

Confusion
Aggitation
Frustration

I feel myself drifting between worlds

Fighting back the tiredness, that threatens to take me into the abyss.

Fear that wants to drag me back, into the darkness of my mind.

Tensions are rising
Anxieties are building
Challenges are intensifying

Triggers
Exposed nerves
Sensitivities

Feeling overwhelmed

I need to break free from myself
To walk amongst the silence
Seeking solitude
To reconnect with Source

So I can process my thoughts
And express the sadness in my heart

RELEASING what no longer serves me

Inhaling fresh air,
into my grieving lungs.
Filling them with love.

The mountain was calling a little louder today. Because I was feeling extra sensitive and felt the need to temporarily pull myself away from everyone. To process my conflicting thoughts and walk with overwhelming emotions. I needed to be in Nature and reconnect with Source.

My soul heeded the call and off I went.

As I wandered slowly but steadily up the track, I was overwhelmed by the beauty. Each time I climb this mountain my senses are tickled. But when I’m alone, it seems to speak to me. Tis why she calls to me most on these rainy days. Because not many people climb in the rain, so there’s less distraction and more opportunity for my energy to deeply connect with her.

The air was fresh and the rain drops were ever so cool. I’m definitly a woman who feels the rain, because I love how the rain falls upon my head and kisses my skin.

A mist with a haunting beauty danced inbetween the trees and I sensed the presence of spirit walking with me.

The fairy wrens flew across my path and the robin came into sight as I expressed gratitude for the connection.

The trees greeted me like old friends, some of which invited me to step closer. As I wrapped my arms around the trunk, in loving embrace. I felt the life force beating between us. Gently pressing my heart and brow against the tree, I asked my mind and heart to be cleared of any lingering negative energy.

As I carried on walking, I reflected over many of my past experiences.

My sisters and I have been talking about our childhood alot lately. Yesterday we talked about what we wanted to do when we grew up. I remembered, that as a young girl, I enjoyed playing with my imagination and wanted to be a teacher.

I suppose nothing much has changed because I still drift between worlds and often get lost in my wild imagination. Something that keeps opening me up to new experiences that stirs the writer.

But my understanding of teacher has changed. I now believe that I’m no wiser than any other. I can only live my life in the best way that I know how.

A whisper tells me …

“Be gentle with yourself” ❤

It’s OK to admit when we’re struggling.

I don’t believe that any of us should feel the need to prove that everythings going well all of the time.

Truth is,

We DO struggle with our challenges.

It’s the reason WHY it is a challenge.

I believe,

That strength isn’t pretending to be strong when we feel the most afraid. It’s having the courage to fully flow with our experience. To open up our hearts and sit with the rawness of our feelings.

Allowing emotion to rise and fall.

Sometimes we DON’T feel OK

Truth is,

It’s scary to confront our fears, it hurts to feel the agonizing grief of our losses and it’s painful when our hearts break.

And nothing about that feels OK

But I do believe,

That our greatest challenges are opportunities for transformation, which requires complete honesty.

Although its difficult to accept what is and SURRENDER to the flow. It’s essential to acknowledge that our tensions and struggles are a neccessary part of our souls growth.

Appreciating that my triggers and conflicts are rarely about the surface issue, and more about my own unhealed wounds. Guides me through those times when I struggle most with my challenges.

Truth is,

I’m not always OK and that’s OK

Mindful interaction ❤