Feeling a tad chuffed with myself for finally getting my ass into a size 18 jean. But instead of showing off with a flattering photo, I decided to keep it real. Because my marshmallow tummy still needs my oh so sexy bridget with handles knickers to give me less rolls. Instead of several, I have one mega muffin top. And when I sit down, I fear the button may pop off and someone could loose an eye.

Jokes aside, my weight gain and loss is never just about what I put into my mouth. It’s also about why I’m eating and how I’m feeling when I’m eating it. As a comfort eater, I either eat my emotions and suppress them (or) shovel in the food in attempts to soothe my woeful self.

Ain’t nothing healthy about that !!!

My eating habits have been changing over the years, but challenges are my biggest setbacks. As creatures of habit, we often fall back into unhealthier habits during stressful times. I’m learning how to be a little gentler with myself, but I still get annoyed when I go backwards. 

I refuse to jump on the scales because it only feeds my misery. But I guesstimate I gained around 10kg during those challenging months. Additional weight I couldn’t really afford to gain because I already had so much to loose. And before Mam’s diagnosis, I was loosing it and feeling so much better for it. Hence why I felt so shitful as the weight began to creep back on again.

My focus is how I’m feeling more than what I weigh. Mind you, I am looking forward to the day I jump onto the scales and see a number that makes me smile, instead of cringe.

YES, my body is soft and squishy, but I feel less ashamed of my body these days. I’m inspired by those who share their truth and I want to inspire others to do the same. I’ve always been able to see the beauty in others, and I’m finally beginning to see my own beautiful truth.

YES, the weight has been slowly coming off, but as it does, so do the emotions attached. And I notice how the more I release, the lighter I feel within myself. And the better I feel, the more self loving my choices are. It’s not really rocket science, but it’s so easy to get stuck.

Hence why I’m sharing this with you.

FAILURE and REJECTION hurts like a bitch !!! Truth is, none of us like change when it feels like it’s being forced upon us. Especially when it means loosing something/someone we love.

But WHAT IF we believed that things like fear, failure, rejection and pain were navigators sent to guide us ?

How would it change YOUR experience ?

Would you hold on a little less ?
Would you dive in a little more ?
Would you release your grip ?
Would you let go and flow ?

The only constant thing in life IS change

Accepting that is how I’m learning to trust the process of change. Becoming more aware of any thoughts attached to limiting beliefs, is how I’m learning to flow with a little more ease.

My greatest challenge when life is changing direction, is learning how to TRUST the process, stay OPEN to love, let go and FLOW with life ❤

The previous blog I wrote about wearing an incontinence pad, was supposed to be a confronting piece of writing. It was my intention to challenge attitudes about incontinence on purpose.

This blog will hopefully shed a little more light onto why I decided to DO and share something, that was considered by some, to be so gross and shocking.

You see, I’m all about having new experiences, to expand my perspective and deepen my understandings. Because I believe, although we can have compassion for others, we can only truly understand something if we have experienced it for ourselves.

Incontinence is a HUGE challenge for so many people. Most of my clients suffer from incontince. I have family members and friends who are incontinent. And as a Mother of 3, I have lost control over my own bladder. Yet this is a problem that most people don’t really want to talk about, because it’s “embarassing.”

Hence WHY I’m writing about it !!!

I strongly believe that the BIGGEST challenge of all, is the negative attitudes about incontinence, which in turn, is having a HUGE impact on the indivuals experience of incontinence.

On my very brief experiment, I noticed the reactions to what I shared. And it got me thinking about those people who suffer from incontinence, who need to wear pads on a daily basis. It got me wondering more about how it feels to urinate in a pad, especially while in the company of others or out in public. And it got me thinking about how many incontinent people are retreating from life and isolating themselves.

It’s my experiences and wonderings that usually motivate me to DO something. My menstral cycle was intense this month. The fasting and full moon brought my flow on earlier than expected. Hence why I wasn’t prepared and had no tampons in my bag. But I’m learning that going with the flow, is about recognizing the opportunities to do something different. Hence why I decided to wear my client’s incontinence pads for my menstral cycle this month.

But why the fuck would I want to ?

Well, over my 18 years of working with the elderly, I’ve had many conversations about the challenges of incontinence, but my understanding is still limited. So, I decided to open myself up, to fully experience the EMOTIONS of incontience and allow it to teach me.

YES, with a little apprehension, I did piddle in the pad and was VERY surprised by my own reaction.

The first emotion to flow was HORROR !!!

My collegue was in the other room with my client. And as the warm gush of urine began to flow, I was horrified to be feeling like I was pissing my pants. I instinctively felt around my crotch because it felt like the urine was leaking from the pad and flowing down my leg. Oh my gawd, what am I gonna do if I piss on the floor and my collegue walks through? I thought.

The next emotion to flow was DISGUST !!!

When my bladder was empty, I was left feeling relieved, yet disgusted with myself. You dirty bitch, you’ve just pissed your pants, I thought.

This emotion was soon followed by SHAME !!!

So, what did this experience teach me ?

First of all it taught me to appreciate my own continence and ability to use the toilet, which I am grateful for. It gave me deeper insight into how my confused client’s feel, which helps me to better understand and then respond to any behaviours that may arise.

It also reaffirms how our “negative” thoughts and emotions can either flow (or) be held onto.

Imagine, how many experiences we’ve had throughout our own life, that has brought feelings of shame. Take a moment to think about how often YOU may have unconsciously inflicted shame onto others. And I hope it helps you, as it does me. To become a little more aware of your own attitudes and are a little more mindful in your interactions with others.

Fortunately, my period stopped yesterday because I had a date with Dave. Although he embraces my kinda weird and wonderful. I did have conflicting thoughts and feelings about rocking up wearing a pull up pad 🤣

Woke up this morning to my menstral flow and NO tampons in any of my bags. No problem I thought to myself, there’s plenty of pads in the house 💡

Wandered through to tend to my client’s care needs, who was a little embarassed about having had a poo. So, I showed her what I was wearing and she chuckled.

I told her about how I believe all carers and nurses should wear an incontinence pad, so they can understand how their client’s feel. I’d be the kinda teacher to push boundaries. Insisting my students wear a pad in class and piddle in it. That kinda learning experience would give us so much more compassion for others.

Then I chuckled as I recall how my sisters and I were planning to have a pad party. As you can appreciate times were tough during Mam’s end of life. So when the incontinence pads came into the house, it was our attempts to use humour to lighten the mood. Mam never did use them, opting for a catheter instead.

After Mam died my sisters and I were still gonna have a pad party. We laughed so hard talking about how we’d all wear one and have a few drinks. Then wait to see who piddled in it first. The thought of a boozy night of fun was enough to lift our spirits. The silly things we do to make ourselves feel a little better hey.

Its what I love most about my family ❤

We never did get around to having the pad party, but I’m sure this little story will bring a smile to my sister’s faces. And when they show it to Dad, he’ll shake his head, smile and think to himself, how shameless his daughter is.

So, I’m gonna literally flow with this and wear incontinence pads during my entire cycle. I’ve been meaning to buy some of those menstral knickers. Because I know it’s much healthier for our body, to allow our blood to freely flow, instead of plugging it with tampons.

I’m gonna literally let it flow and then write about it, cos that’s how I like to roll. BUT will I piddle in it ?

Watch this space 😊

The fast has ended but I sense that its only the beginning. I broke my fast eating 2 scrambled eggs at 9am this morning, after an intense night.

I really wanted to test my limits and make it longer than 60 hours, but I did achieve my goal. Last night I was propelled deeper into myself, sat with fear until it literally spat me out and today I feel a little less heavy in the guts, more clearer of mind and a little more open hearted to the flow of LOVE ❤

So what happened, you may wonder ?

Well, I went to bed hungry, but not for food. My sexual appetite was partially satisfied by an orgasm, but I noticed how my primal urge only satisfied my basic need of relieving tension.

My soul needed more !!!

And as usual my heart guided me deeper, but it was an intense experience that left me feeling overwhelmed.

I received a message from a concerned friend, advising me not to fast. Her words triggered my fear and I noticed my heart rate increasing, which then brought an old friend out to play.

Anxiety tends to get abit overly excited when my heart races. My attempts to reassure my body that I wasn’t starving her was unsuccessful. My mind had activated the message that I was doing something crazy stupid and I needed to be STOPPED right now !!!

So I had the choice to either relieve my anxiety by eating something (or) to feel anxious. So I accepted the presence of anxiety and meditated. I focused on my breath, reaffirming that I was nourishing my body with love and that my intention was to open and heal.

I acknowledged a pattern ….

Of allowing someone elses opinion to cause me to doubt my own choices. A realization of how my own feelings of shame and guilt are often attached to the belief of what’s thought to be right, not neccessarily what FEELS right for me.

For a moment, I thought that was what anxiety was here to show me. But a fear was feeding anxiety and it soon felt like I was flowing into a panic attack. My heart was racing so fast, it felt like I would go into heart failure. Fucking typical I thought to myself, go and drop down dead now that you finally feel like you’re making some frigging progress in life !!!

In a state of panic, I became suddenly aware of my life force. The fear of confronting my own death propelled me deep into my grief, as I wondered, is this how Mam felt ? As my tears flowed, a small part of me wanted to get closer to death. An awareness that I was reaching out to Mam, which made me feel a sense of despair because I couldn’t see her.

Thoughts began to rush into my mind. You cant die because you’re at work, on duty ya fool !!! Think about your kids, your sisters and your Dad. You’re over reacting, calm the fuck down ….. BREATHE !!!

I drifted over to sleep and woke afew hours later. Feeling fine until I stood up. My heart began to race again and I felt weak and whoozy. So I decided to be gentle with myself and stop fasting today. Acknowledging that I need to feel safe to proceed any longer.

Today, as I clarify my own needs, conversations have been a little more honest and open.

Will I be fasting again ?

You betcha I will ❤

Day 2 of fasting and you may be wondering WHY am I fasting ?

Because although I embrace my curves, this big belly has to GO !!! Not even Bridget can hold it in and I don’t wanna look and feel pregnant 😜

Fasting is a great way to detox and cleanse the digestive system and activate a sluggish metabolism. So, I figure it’ll do me some good.

According to the star gazers, this FULL MOON is transformational energy. So, it’s also a good time for releasing what no longer serves us.

After alot of soul searching, I acknowledge the emotions I’m holding onto and I’m ready to RELEASE them with LOVE this FULL MOON 🌚

The grief, anger, shame, guilt and the fear

As a comfort eater, I appreciate how I can sometimes eat my emotions, which is why fasting is a good way to focus my full attention on my feelings.

So, that’s why I’m fasting and to be honest, I kinda like the idea of turning my body into a fat burning machine, and I’m keen to explore the effects of spiritually focusing my mind.

Today, I haven’t really felt hungry, which is still surprising me. My stomach has been a little vocal but my mind isn’t telling me to eat yet, which is another surprise. I’m feeling a little tired and my mind’s a bit sluggish, so I flowed through my day a little slower than usual.

This afternoon I became aware of an “empty” feeling, but there isn’t any particular emotions attached to it. Because my intention is to cleanse, clear and release, I’m wondering if it reflects creating some space to RECEIVE ?

So long as its not more body fat 🤣

Frustration suggests that something NEEDS to change. So, I get excited when Lilith energy starts to stir, because I experience her as the energy I need to shift something within me.

We feel this energy in our root chakra, which is at the base of our spine. This is the element of fire, so no wonder my sexual appetite has been increasing. It’s an energy that feels warm to hot, depending upon what we’re passionate about and what we’re willing to burn for.

Although this base chakra grounds us, it’s also considered to be the RED button for kundalini.

According to Carl Jung, “Kundalini in psychological terms, is that which makes you go on the greatest adventures.”

Mindful masturbation is how I’ve consciously activated my kundalini, with intentions to raise the energy up towards the crown chakra. But I’m not here to talk about that today. Last night I was pondering over our fear of both the dark and the light. Contemplating about how and why I have given my power to shine away.

It makes sense to be afraid of the dark, but why are we so afraid to shine TOO brightly ?

Are we afraid of being seen ?
Are we afraid of being different ?
Are we afraid of being judged ?

I’ve noticed how my love, light, positivity and optimism has challenged people, just as much as my fear, wounds and darkness does.

I wonder, WHY ?

So, I take more notice of my own behaviours.

I have noticed my own reactions to others who are shining brightly and succeeding in life. And I can sway on either side of the pendulum.

Sometimes I am INSPIRED and other times I want to look away. Whenever I’m feeling frustrated and struggling with my own life, seeing others happy and succeeding can make me feel like I’m failing or missing out.

I know how my reactions to others, depends upon how I’m thinking and feeling, which is why I explore myself so deeply. Because I want to BE and DO better for YOU aswell as for ME ❤

I’ve noticed how the discomforts of others can make me feel uncomfortable. My light dimming a little as I step back and withdraw into myself. And I’ve noticed how censorship and silence triggers my doubt, shame and guilt.

I hear myself say …

How dare you say something so bold !!!
How dare you do something so different !!!
How dare you dream so big !!!
How dare you want for that !!!
How dare you shine so brightly !!!

Hmmmmmm 🤔

Most of the judgement actually comes from myself because I am my biggest critic. So, why am I afraid of shining TOO brightly ?

Because the people pleaser is conscious about what people expect of her and she’s mindful of how her light will make other people feel.

Note, how I use third person …

Because although I acknowledge the presence of people pleaser, I no longer resonate with this part of my psyche. Yes, she still has something to say, but she holds less power over me.

Lilith reminds us to take back our power 🌟

Paris, the city of love ❤ and light 🌟

Mind blowing to think about what’s happened in a space of 1 year. I recall standing in the Notre Dam, where hope and faith was an overwhelming energy that brought me to tears. A feeling that everything was gonna be OK, which is why I couldn’t understand why life then suddenly turned to complete and utter shit !!!

Literally, hours after leaving Paris, I had a call from my sister letting me know that Dad had been rushed to hospital (we almost lost him). Then within hours, another phone call from my other sister letting me know Mam had been rushed to hospital (we almost lost her too).

My faith was tested BIG time !!!

I felt totally helpless at the other side of the world and I was terrified I’d never see either of my parents again. I screamed at the heavens, cursed, begged and prayed to Universe.

They both pulled through, but it was only the beginning of our living nightmare. We lost our Mam and as time unfolded, my relationship came to an end too.

So what the fuck was that feeling I had, that everything was gonna be OK, when it obviously was far from OK ?

I remind myself that I believe loss is the greatest test of our faith. Therefore it’s during these times that life challenges us to walk the talk.

I believe in LOVE ❤ and LIGHT 🌟

Yes, the shit got real and nothing about it was easy, it was a living nightmare afterall. But during the worst time of my life, the love still flowed and the light shone in the darkness.

I’m so very proud of my family because we really are a special bunch of fruits and nuts. Because even in our grief, we choose to believe and share the magic. We know that Mam wouldn’t want it any other way because she believed in the magic. She blessed us with a special something that lives on in our hearts. The tears flow as I write this because she continues to touch my life. Even in spirit she reaches us.

Throughout our lives, Mam has shared many stories about her experiences with spirit. But even though my sisters and I BELIEVE, we’ve always felt a little afraid of the other side. So, our fear has been a barrier, as can our grief be.

But I’m less afraid knowing Mam is there.

Since Mam’s death, I continue to dive deeper into myself, with intentions to OPEN and flow with whatever shows up. In doing so, I notice how I’m feeling life more than thinking about it.

As I let life touch me, I’m experiencing myself differently. It’s not always pleasant or easy, but there’s an honesty about it. I noticed this change during the ending of my relationship.

My relationship was brief in comparison to some, but it was intense. We went through the best and worst of times. The breakup triggered both of our fears and hurts. And it got the usual messy, confusing and bumpy, but I have to say it was the most honest and loving breakup I’ve ever experienced.

An experience that reaffirmed my belief, that when we open to love, it flows ❤

Perhaps being open to the flow of love, is why we both found ourselves connecting with someone else so soon ? Maybe by being completely open and honest about our needs, we attracted what we needed ?

What if it really is that simple ?

Even though we have lost our beloved Mother to cancer and my relationship ended. I still feel Mam’s love and spirit energy flowing. I’m grateful for the love lessons from my previous relationship. And I’ve been blessed with another soulful click and special love connection.

So, maybe everything really is gonna be OK ?

Life continues to be one hell of a ride !!

One minute its a great adventure full of wonderfuls and the next I’m feeling challenged, tested and pushed to my limits. The last few days have been rough, so yesterday I reflected and today I write. It’s a long read but only those interested will read it anyways. Hence why I decided to blog and share it …

I’ve had that restless feeling and a strong pull back to the UK for many years. It’s a calling that’s been difficult to ignore, yet I resisted it for years.

I kept saying to myself …

I can’t leave my family to chase my dreams. I can’t take my kids with me unless I can support us all. I can’t abandon my kids because I’m their Mum. I can’t miss precious time with my loved ones. I can’t have the kinda life I imagine unless I let go of so much. I can’t let go of those things. I can’t risk loosing everything I hold most dear. I can’t put my own needs first. I can’t be selfish. I can’t do it on my own because I’m not strong enough. I can’t do it now because now isn’t the right time. I can’t do it unless I have enough money to do it. I can’t do it until my kids are properly settled. I can’t do it now that Dad is sick. I can’t leave my family during the challenges that are ahead of us.

Truth is, we can always find plenty of reasons why we can’t do something. But most of our can’ts are usually attached to fear. Therefore my greatest challenge is learning how to make choices from a place of LOVE ❤

For several years now, life keeps challenging me to SURRENDER. To let go of whatever’s holding me back, to trust in the process of change and to BELIEVE in myself and my wildest dreams.

Sounds easy enough …. right ?

NO !!!

“One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go”
( Mareez Reyes )

The process of letting go is an ongoing battle within myself. I notice that whenever I’m resisting the flow, I experience an inner conflict that causes tensions, until I’m finally ready for the sweet RELEASE of letting go.

In 2016, I surrendered to the call to create more freedom in my life. Over the year, I prepared myself for the change. Lots of conversations were had with my family and friends, I applied for a job as a contracted live in carer, I gave away everything that I owned, I moved out of my flat and I took a giant leap of faith. I went to the UK with only my final pay check in the bank and hoped that it would all work out OK, which it did.

I was in a long term contract, doing the kind of work I’ve imagined doing for years. I was valued and gaining a deeper sense of satisfaction from my work. I was inspired to write and felt closer to my wildest dreams. Money flowed easier and I was able to give and gift without the usual financial pressures. I fell in love and I was living an adventerous life full of new experiences and challenges, that I was thriving from.

But then life hit us with an unexpected curve ball and my heart was broken open yet AGAIN, but this time the world as I knew it was totally shattered !!!

Dad’s cancer diagnosis and challenges were hard enough, but Mam’s diagnosis and death continues to challenge me. In my grief I lost all sense of my own direction in life. When I was back in Australia with my family, the pull back to the UK was still strong, but my fear and doubts were getting louder.

I was saying to myself …

I can’t do it now Mam has died. I can’t leave Dad while he’s grieving and still on his own cancer journey. I can’t leave my kids because I shouldn’t leave them. I can’t leave my sisters with the responsibility of supporting Dad without me. I can’t still pursue my dreams during this nightmare. I can’t follow my heart while its broken. I can’t trust my choices while I’m grieving. I can’t have the life I imagine because I don’t deserve to have it. I can’t achieve my stupid dreams.

My internal tensions and conflict soon manifested externally, which threw me into a state of frustration. I had a strong urge to RUN !!! So, I ran away to my ex hubby’s vacant bloke of land, seeking solitude. I needed time and space in Nature to connect with Universe and hear the whisperings of my own soul. It was there, I challenged my can’ts and confronted the fears feeding my demons and poking my wounds. When I returned, I had conversations with family and friends. Contemplated my options and made the choice to take a deep breath and leap into the unknown yet AGAIN !!!

The first few weeks back in the UK were a total shit storm. In all honesty, if Universe hadn’t blessed me with the support that I needed and if I didn’t have the inner strength that I have, I could have easily made some very bad choices in my state of despair, and not be here to share with you today. In reflection, this is a frightening thought, but the ugly truth none the less.

This is MY healing and the journey back to my authentic self, which isn’t always rainbows and sunshine.

Since November 2016, I haven’t had my own place. I’ve been drifting through life with a very different sense of purpose. To stay OPEN and SURRENDER to the flow of service for the greater good.

I don’t always know why and sometimes, nothing about my life seems my own, yet I’ve never felt more like myself, which is just another example of a beautiful complex contradiction, that is ME.

I love my work here in the UK and the opportunities it provides, but the challenges can’t always be openly shared. For me, that’s the most challenging aspect of the job. Come to think of it, most of my challenges aren’t openly shared as they flow, because I’m mindful of other people. Hence why, at times I can feel quite alone when I’m feeling the most challenged.

Over the last few days, triggers have reminded me about the reality of what IS. Challenges and conversations brought lingering fears and hurts to the surface. And waves of despair brought me to tears on several occasions.

Overwhelmed by emotions …

SADNESS because I miss having my Mam to talk to. ANGER because as some are ready and want to die, others are taken far too soon. CONCERN because Dad’s cancer is active. FEAR of what’s to come. DOUBT in myself and my choices. GUILT because I’m not with my family. SHAME because I’m not always who I want to be. PANIC because I don’t always know what’s going to happen next.

I was hit with the sudden realizion that going with the flow, means there is no real certainty about the future. An acknowledgment that the deeper I dive, the darker it can get. Sometimes, I feel like I’m wading in the depths of the unknown and I’m afraid of what’s yet to come or what might never happen. I’m often smacked in the face with my fear like that. Other times fear sneaks up on me or lurks in the shadows of my mind.

Some deep inner work is in progress.

You see, I don’t just slay my demons when they show up, I dissect them to find out what fears they’ve been feeding on. Because I don’t want those fuckers coming back to torment me. I now understand that my darker side isn’t to be banished, but acknowledged. I believe my shadow is the unknown aspects of my consciousness, that wants to be known. So I’m learning how to embrace the darkness, by shining my own light on it.

Dont wait for the light at the end of the tunnel, walk down it and light up the bloody thing yourself. Because WE truly are the light 🌟 and love ❤ we seek

I read these words yesterday …

“Leaving convention to take up the quest for greater meaning, taking the leap ‘leaving the old paradigm of work’ that being working for money (prostitution) rather than doing what they love (sacred service)” (Tanishka).

This, and a conversation I had with my sister reminded me, that I am here to do what my soul needs to do and that’s all I really need to know.

Since being back here in the UK, synchronicites are a plenty and opportunities have been presenting themselves. That in itself reassures me that I’m on the right track.

I also understand that my life is an accumulation of my choices. Therefore my choices determine my direction. So, I’ll just keep being the love ❤ and share my kinda magic with the world 🌟

Something to tickle the funny bone, but in all seriousness. Do you take the time to make love with yourself (or) are you relying on your partner to satisfy your desires ? Do you enjoy loving your own body (or) do you feel shame or sadness when you pleasure yourself ?

Has orgasm ever brought you to tears ?
Is orgasm out of your reach ?
Do you orgasm too quickly
Have you ever wondered why ?

I love these kinda questions because I support SELF LOVE on all levels, but I haven’t talked about mindful masturbation in a while.

In all honesty, it was the last thing on my mind during our family ordeal. There was either little interest or opportunity to mindfully focus on pleasure, which consequently had a dramatic impact upon my usually active libido.

Something I struggled with at times because as strange as it may sound to some, I grieved the loss of my sex drive. But, ironically, it was during the drought, I learned to distinguish the difference between sexual and sacred energy.

Mindful masturbation is all about the intention behind the practice. Like sex, we are either indulging with intent to relieve our tensions (or) we are opening up to experience the love ❤

I often fiddle with purpose 🤣🤣🤣

Masturbating mindfully focuses my attention on the energy flow within my body.

During orgasm I notice where energy flows and circulates, which helps me to identify any chakras that are blocked. I notice how energy vibrates, pulsates and flows throughout my body. I notice when I’m in a self loving space, my body opens and the energy flows freely through all my chakra centres.

It’s only then, I experience kundalini energy.

“According to Tantra, kundalini energy rests like a coiled serpent at the base of the spine. When this dormant energy flows freely upward through the seven chakras and leads to an expanded state of consciousness, it’s known as a kundalini awakening”

It’s my understanding, that this is the sacred energy that taps into the divine flow, enabling us to co-create our kinda magic with Universe.

And THAT’S what I want to experience 🌟