Valentines DAY (or) Single Awareness DAY

Hmmmmmm … she ponders 🤔

As I scroll through the newsfeeds, I realize that it’s a day that reflects how we truly think, feel and experience intimate LOVE ❤

Some are all loved up with their “other halves,”
while others are wishing they weren’t alone.

Some are hoping for more from their partners,
while others are waiting for love to find them.

Some are burning in the passions of new love,
while others are growing in deeper connections.

Like many of you, I’ve experienced this day both in and out of relationship. So its another day that brought alot of reflection for me …

So I thought I’d share 😊

I BELIEVE …

When we choose to flow with love EVERY DAY then Valentines day becomes just another day to share the love, whether we’re in or out of relationship with another ❤

But I haven’t always “believed” this

There was a time when I was the other half in relationship. A woman who felt incomplete without the presence of a man she loved. Creating unhealthy attachments & dependencies, that intensified my feelings of grief & loss when a relationship came to an end.

There was a time when I was the single woman seeking or avoiding male company. A woman who felt alone in her own company, which increased my feelings of loneliness and a sense of longing to share my life with another.

There was a time when my relationship lacked the romance and passion I desired. A woman who yearned for a lover to fan my innner flame, which increased my feelings of frustration as I struggled to settle for less than in relationship.

ALL experiences rich in lessons of SELF LOVE ❤

Today, as a much wiser 43 year old woman, I feel open to the love that flows from WITHIN myself, which is making all the difference to how I think, feel and experience this day and every other day that follows because I’ve finally fallen in love with ME 😀

Mindful interaction ❤

Universe has a way of bringing us to our own attention, and sometimes its with an almighty BANG !!!

My fall on slippery rock the other day winded me and literally shook my very foundation. Two more falls on the same walk certainly captured my attention.

The second fall was on slippery mud, inbetween soft grassy mounds. So I managed to cushion my fall as I slid onto my ass. But the third fall brought me down onto my knees.

Hmmmmmmm … she wondered 🤔

Mother Nature then blew up a storm the next day, prompting me to stay indoors.

Alone, sore and sorry, I didn’t leave the cottage all day. And with no comfort foods, booze or meds to soothe myself, I was forced to literally SIT IN the full discomforts of my body.

Ouchee !!!

The damage is muscular and the pain radiates across my lower back, which connects to my sacrum chakra.

“The sacrum is the center of feeling, emotion, pleasure, sensuality, intimacy, and connection”

OK I’m listening !!!

“The energy of this chakra allows you to let go, to move, and to feel change and transformation occurring within your body. Allowing you to experience this moment as it is, in its fullness”

OK, you have my full attention !!!

“The main challenge for this chakra is social conditioning. When our feelings are not valued and our passionate reactions are frowned upon. We are learning to “control” instead of flow, which disconnects us from our bodies, feelings and deeper truths.

I’ll be fucked !!!

My body IS communicating with me and Universe IS guiding me through the freaking process. But geeez you could be a little less brutal about it 😦

So, now what ?

Well, it tells me that just as a broken heart serves to break us open to love.

Our physical pains and discomforts serve to bring us closer to our deeper truths.

For me, it reinforces how we ditch the fear and relearn how to flow with love of the Universal kind

Now …

Instead of holding onto the pain and suffering, I choose to focus my attention on opening up and BALANCING my sacral chakra, which (in theory) will increase the energy flow that will support the cellular repair required for healing.

Instead of avoiding myself, blaming others for my own emotional experience (or) seeking out others to help balance my inner state of being, I choose wholeness by nurturing my own mind, body and soul.

And instead of pushing myself and causing more injury, I choose to privilege the experience and be gentle with myself.

HOW do we do this ?

In a variety of different ways but for me …

Although I was in pain last night, instinctively I swayed my hips as I danced around the lounge room (with the occasional ow). But DANCING and movement is a great way to open up this and any other energy center.

Although I craved the presence of another and did reach out in an effort to “connect”, I also indulged in mindful masturbation because it helps me to relax, open up, releases tensions and increases energy flow.

And there’s nothing quite like blowing your own god damn mind !!!

Of course you dont have to make love with yourself …. but why not ?

After all the sacral chakra is ALL about our sensual pleasure

This energy center also influences the flow of our creativity and our emotional state of mind, which suggests that our experiences are influenced by so much more than just our thoughts. For many, changing the way we think seems to be almost impossible. So for some, focusing on how our energy flows may just be the way to achieve change.

However YOU choose to OPEN up and BALANCE your energy

Just do whatever feels most right for YOU 😊

I can honestly say that each time I expose a deeper truth, I fall a little more in love with ME, which is making all the difference for YOU

Mindfulinteraction ❤

BRACE YOURSELF … a rant is coming 😜 hahaha

Decided it was time to jump on my pedistal and share some thoughts and feelings around all this political hoo haa that we’re seeing in our newsfeeds. I strongly believe that discussions are a great way to improve our understandings. But I’m seeing more people trying to convince others to change their thinking to suit theirs, instead of ALL of us taking a long hard look at our own thinking.

Lets start by asking ourselves …

What is YOUR vision for your country ?
What is YOUR hope for our world ?
What do YOU want our political leaders to do for US the people? and HOW do you believe that it can be successfully achieved ?

PLEASE keep in mind that Trump states that he is in power for the people. So the protestors are the people. They may hold different opinions but their voices and concerns matter too.

There’s no denying that we live in a society that’s been fighting for equal rights for MANY decades and YES we are making progress. But our recent confrontation with the male chauvinistic behaviour of the now leader of America has triggered many of us

WHY ?

Because we give a damn !!!

Have you ever asked yourself WHY did America only have Trump and Hilary to choose from?

Have you ever questioned WHY there’s been so much drama and show biz on the political arena?

Accusations about Trumps abuse of women, may be false, but his negative attitude towards women (among other things ) has been blatantly obvious and that’s why people are standing UP and shouting OUT.

Saying ENOUGH !!!

We are no longer buying into the political BULLSHIT of mainstream OR conspiracy media because many of us believe its NOT the way forward. Those women ( and men ) roaring are choosing not to feed their fears.

We focus on HEALING the heart of our world ❤

Diving into our own heads and hearts, instead of watching and following “news”, then claiming to be all knowing and informed. We are taking full responsibility for the bullshit we keep telling ourselves based on social conditioning.

Paving the way forward and creating something NEW for ourselves, our children and OUR WORLD

A VISION …

Of a world where WE the people are OPEN to love and respect everyone regardless of opinions, beliefs, religion, sexuality, culture and status.

A world where both men and women are loving and respectful to each other and themselves.

A world where money and power is NOT the driving force and main motivator.

A world where we refuse to buy into the media and political hype and drama that only creates more fear frenzys, warped sense of reality and deeper woundings of self and others💔

Truth is NO ONE knows the truth behind all of this political bullshit, no matter how much research we do. In fact all the research is irrelevant if we ourselves havent experienced it first hand. Research is as biased as our opinions and perspectives are. Because we generally only see what we are looking for and only listen to what we want to hear.

I for one am NOT happy about having a business man with a bad attitude in such an influential leadership role. Because he now has the power to infuence the flock who mindlessly follow.

Lets not forget that we ALL have the right to express our concerns and a GOOD leader will LISTEN and seek solutions instead of all this show biz nonesence we keep seeing.

I may not be well educated in the political arena, but I consider myself to be an everyday working class citizen who, like YOU has valuable insights to share. Insights that are informed by an education and life experiences.

I for one want to have more conversations with those who are living different truths. Ive been having conversations with pilgrims and missionaries who have, and are wandering the world seeing first hand the experiences of refugees from those war torn countries.

Conversations that are opening my eyes to so much LOVE and human kindness. And I hope to travel the globe myself and SEE things as they are first hand with my own EYES.

Truth is its easier to sit in the comforts of our own safe homes, following the world through the media, refusing to see the bigger picture of how WE ourselves are part of the problem.

But …

When we acknowledge that ugly truth, then we begin to be part of the solution 😊

We should fear those who are feeding our fears and NOT those from other countries and cultures, who we “think” threaten our safety.

Because its the everyday people, striving for a better life, who are suffering all over the world, as a result of all this political manipulation and shitty public attitudes.

Attitudes that YOU yourself may also share.

YES !!!

I am WOMAN and hear me roar with rage in my heart because I give a fuck about the world my kids and future generations are growing up in.

And I know that YOU do too.

So I invite you to explore your own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, attitude and behaviour.

Lets work TOGETHER 😊

Mindfulinteraction ❤

I remember the first time I experienced the powerful energy of a Dark Goddess within myself. She demanded with such authority to STAY OPEN !!!

No matter how much it hurts …
No matter how afraid you are …

STAY OPEN !!!

she whispered,

        You are burning away the bullshit,
        you are peeling back the layers,
        you are shedding your skin,
        So, burn baby BURN,
        Let it hurt, let it bleed and RISE !!!

Whenever we feel the need to OPEN we are being blessed with the presence of Goddesses, such as Kali and Hecate, Lilith. Those powerful darker energies that help us to understand our shadow self.

Supporting us during our transformational shifts, guiding us back to our truest selves.

Lilith comes to support us in our quest for truth. Hecate comes to guide us through the shadow lands and Kali comes to support us in our shedding away of the old and is midwive during our rebirth.

Don’t fear their presence,
WELCOME the energies when you feel them near.

They say …

Break OPEN and FEEL the burn,
Allow the pain to bleed from the very depths of your aching heart. Remind yourself that your discomfort, your frustration, your pain, your uncertainty, your disappointment, your confusion and your suffering has nothing to do with anyone else and everything to do with YOU !!!

CLAIM it
It’s your GIFT

They reminds us …

That those who trigger an emotional response in us are our teachers. Souls who recognize our need to break open and seek our deepest truth.

LOVE ❤

So, dig deep and take back your power,
Reconnect with the magic flowing within you.

ALLOW it to transform you … and RISE 🤗

Mindfulinteraction ❤

I haven’t made a blog entry in a while, which is odd because I thought I would be blogging every day with all the experiences and changes that are happening in my world, which is the very reason why I haven’t of course.

There’s been less time to sit around and ponder over my writings because I’ve been far too busy indulging in new experiences, seeing new places, meeting new people and adjusting to a new life style.

But, yesterday I made time to reflect and decided to share my thoughts …

The decision to follow my heart and move over to the UK has been well over due, or perhaps its finally the right time 😊

Regardless of how right it feels, it’s been quite the emotional roller coaster, coming here only weeks after Dads cancer diagnosis and intensive care excitement. But as they say, there’s never going to be a good time for us to take those BIG life changing steps.

Truth is, we can always find reasons as to why we shouldn’t change our direction and follow the calling of our hearts. I’m certainly guilty of having done this for far too many years, but the scare we had with Dad only reinforced how precious love is and how short life can be.

So, instead of playing the role of dutiful, eldest daughter because that’s what I thought I “should do”, I decided it was time to follow my heart. So I had a conversation with my family, who all supported me to go ahead with my plans, which I’m extremely grateful for.

Thank YOU ❤

I fully appreciate how difficult it was for my family to let me go, because although I know in the depths of my heart that this is where I must be and what I need to do, I still found it extremely challenging to jump on a plane and fly over to the other side of the world away from my family. Its only been 6 weeks and although my days are full to the brim with everything new and exciting, there are times when I miss the familiar comforts of family so much, I sob.

Its true what they say … ” the root of suffering is attachment “

But having explored my attachments, Ive identified the beliefs that keep me holding on in fear and now have the ability to change how I think about my choices. After all, we can only change it when we first acknowledge it.

So, I asked myself …

Tracey, do you want to experience more FEAR or LOVE ?

Hmmmmmmm … she ponders 😊

By focusing on how my choice to follow my heart comes from a place of love, it changes my experience. And I believe it also has a more positive impact on those who matter most to me. Because love creates space for MORE love, just as fear creates space for MORE fear.

Even though the journey has been a little bumpy, especially over Christmas when Dad was rushed back into hospital with another infection and I was alone for those important days: Christmas eve, Christmas day, Boxing day and my birthday, with far too much time on my hands to think. I can say with complete confidence that I have no regrets.

Why ?

Because I no longer feel a sense of responsibility for the experiences of other people, no matter how much I love them. I now feel a stronger sense of respect for our individual experiences, with less need to protect either of us from ourselves. And most of all I am being true to myself and following the calling of my heart, which is making all the difference to my experience.

In the past, my desire for different experiences was all about my need to gain deeper insights and understandings. But the journey is becoming more and more about TRUST.

Trust in myself,
Trust in the process of change,
Trust in the energetic flow of Universe,
Trust in the transformational power of LOVE.

The more I trust myself, the more open I am to change, the more I connect with my surroundings, the more I flow with the delicious energy flowing from Universe and the more LOVE is experienced, which increases all those spine tingling synchronicities that are full of possibility to create new realities.

This is the stuff that’s tickling my molecules, arousing my neurons and making me all giddy with excitement 😊

Wonderful things are happening more and more in my life because I’m finally opening myself up to receive it. LOVE is in the drivers seat and fear has become the passenger, instead of the other way around and its making all the difference.

However, its not always rainbows and lollypops. Sometimes fear grabs a hold of the steering wheel and takes us on a bit of joy ride. Those times when I’m triggered by something that propels me into the darkness.

I believe this happens because we are being guided inwards, so we can peel away the bullshit that’s getting in the way of us living our truth. All those limiting beliefs, fear driven thoughts and hurting hearts that have become a barrier, preventing the flow of energy between Universe and ourselves.

We usually know when we are resisting change because we start to feel it pulling and tugging on us from the inside. I certainly feel the internal conflict between my head and heart that causes me discontent and dis-EASE. And this is when my ” bad habits ” tend to surface, pulling me back into a space of fear. To a place where our dreams are doubted.

We all have wild and wonderful dreams, but how many of us are living them ?

” The distance between our dreams and reality, is ACTION “

Having been a deep self-diver for many years now, I’m learning the value of peeling away those layers. But don’t get me wrong, it’s not always easy nor comfortable. However, I’m finding that the more willing I am to dive into the depths of who I am, the more comfortable I’m becoming with the discomforts.

Whenever I begin to feel some resistance, I want to find the blockage that’s keeping me stuck and preventing the flow of energy. Because I want to experience more of that yummy neurological tickling and heart expanding magic. In fact, it’s more uncomfortable when I don’t sit and flow with my discomforts.

Why ?

Because emotion is becoming neither good nor bad in my mind, so there’s less need to fear the feelings, which allows the emotion to flow much more freely through me. But just like we learn how to be observers of our own thoughts, we must also learn how to flow with our emotions with more ease.

Its a process of change …

Think about how many times men have been told to “toughen up”

Think about how many times women have been told to ” calm down “

Fuck that BULL SHIT !!!

I want to see MORE men opening up their hearts, flowing with their feelings

I want to see MORE women harnessing the rage of fire within their hearts

I want to see MORE people experiencing relationships so full of love and passion that their connection creates magic ❤

We live in a world where emotion has been misunderstood and suppressed for so long, that we are relearning how to BE true to ourselves, without feelings of guilt or shame. In the past we’ve been unconsciously feeding our fears and deepening our heart wounds. But thank fuck we are coming to NEW understandings

Acknowledging that our fears and hurts serve a very important purpose, guiding us towards the belief, the thought or the emotion that’s preventing energy flow and holding us back in a state of suffering.

As light and shadow aspects of our psyche become more balanced, there is less internal conflict and less dis-EASE inside of us, which in my mind means we may begin to experience less illness.

I believe that this has been the BIGGEST change in my life because I realize that I’m not avoiding myself as much as I used to. After all, it wasn’t so long ago I was indulging in numerous self-destructive behaviours, in attempts to avoid how I was truly feeling.

I smoked cigarettes to ease my feelings of anxiety,
I drank alcohol to ease my feelings of stress,
I had sex to ease my feelings of frustration,
I ate food to ease my feelings of sadness.

Basically, I wanted to ease the feelings instead of allowing them to flow. I now understand that my behaviours were guiding me towards my truth 😊

Exploring my ” bad habits ” has given me deeper insights into myself, which is helping me to make better choices. Mind you, I still went to bed with a jar of nutella the other night because I was feeling sad and frustrated. But instead of beating myself up about it, I now have a little giggle and ENJOY the moments 😊

Because life is forever teaching me and I am a beautiful work in progress

Mindful interaction ❤

Pro CHOICE  (or) Pro LIFE ?

I remember the first time I learned about the horror of an abortion. I recall how passionately against it I was as a young teenage girl in high school.

How the hell could anyone do such a murderous thing to an innocent life ?

Why would any woman decide to abort her baby when there are other options ?

It made absolutely no sense to me

Then LIFE happened …

I was excited about emigrating to Australia with my family, but life didn’t turn out better for me. For reasons unknown, I was destined to travel a long road of heart hurt and painful lessons.

  We grew up in a safe, secure and stable home, surrounded by lots of supportive family and friends. So I was neither prepared nor equipped to understand the path I found myself on. I reluctantly returned to high school, as a mature aged student, after numerous job applications had been denied, with feelings of resentment. Motivation and confidence to go out and achieve my dreams was replaced with feelings of frustration, which pushed me further towards a life that offered a false sense of satisfaction.

Friendships based on booze and drugs, as a young woman who needed to belong in a world she no longer understood, was a very bad combination. </em>

I was the pommy party girl who didn’t give a fuck,

Loosing all sense of myself, which led towards loosing something I once held precious… my virginity.

My first time wasn’t beautiful and it wasn’t special, but it was certainly unique.

It was a threesome that a “friend” instigated with a stranger, but what was supposed to be erotic and exciting became awkward and uncomfortable. I felt numb to the sensations, as if living out the fantasy of someone else. It was an experience that changed me and my life direction.

One moment a virgin … the next … pregnant

My parents tried desperately to offer me love, understanding and support, but the lack of belonging made me feel unsafe and insecure, even within my own family. So I shut down and retreated further and further into a world of self destruction.

The day of my abortion is a memory that will forever haunt me.

Even though my parents didn’t agree with my choice, my Mam stood by my side the entire time. Offering unconditional love and support, even though she knew that my choice was tearing me up inside. I knew she wanted to drag me out of the abortion clinic, hug me tight, tell me over and over again that everything would be alright, until I eventually believed it for myself, and there was a small part of me that wanted her to. But, I remained distant, trying to convince myself that it was my life and that I was doing the right thing … for me.

Lying on the operating table with my legs parted, I felt exposed and vulnerable. My heart was racing so fast that I thought I was having a heart attack and would die from a broken heart, right there on the table. Then I woke up in the recovery room, feeling empty, dirty, wounded and a pain so deep in my heart, that it hurt to breath. I felt completely alone in the world. Tears uncontrollably ran down my face and as I sobbed my womb contracted and my tummy pulsated in waves, causing me to vomit. When I eventually stood and took a step, warm blood flowed from where there was once a life growing. And with each step I reclined further and further inside of myself.

Withdrawing from those who loved me was the only way I got through each day. I couldn’t bare to talk about how I was truly feeling, for fear of what emotions I might unleash. Guilt and shame was something I lived with on a daily basis, which I would numb with more alcohol and drugs. Sex was used to try and fill the emptiness ,which of course only resulted in more feelings of guilt and shame.

I was on a path of self destruction, until I crossed paths with a man who fell in love with me. A man who made me feel like I was worthy of more than just a fuck. He was far from perfect and we had many a challenge over the years, but he loved me fiercely. He filled my hurting heart with love, my aching loins with children and my empty life with meaning. Alas, it was a marriage destined to fail, but it was a love that forever remains. Our paths separated when I was ready to take the long journey back home to myself.

A road that’s since been rich in lessons of SELF LOVE ❤

” There is no greater sin than a mother who chooses to kill her own baby “

When I dived deeper into myself to expose those hidden truths that influenced my choices in love, this is a belief that sat in the core of my heart wound.

Is this the reason why I believed myself unworthy of love ?

Could this be the root cause of the hurt that lingers in the depth of my heart ?

Was this the first heart break, opening me up to love ?

If I forgive myself will the wound heal ?

Those are the questions that ran through my mind when I first discovered this ugly truth … and then the FEELINGS came !!!

There is no greater pain than the guilt of a mother who allows herself to feel this truth. If she allows herself to acknowledge and accept the horror of her choice, she will feel a pain unlike any other she has ever known. For me, it was like sitting in the dark depths of hell, having my insides ripped open by the devil himself. But the wound did not heal, it bled open and festered for many years to come. Because I chose to carry the burden of my sorrow, unable to forgive myself. Inviting experiences into my life that continued to break my heart open …

OVER and OVER again,

until I awakened to a deeper truth.

That our life is made up of an accumulation of choices.

Choices that determine our experiences and shape our stories.

Stories of love and loss that we share with each other.

Sharing that has the power to heal our hurts and overcome our fears.

So we can begin to create new realities.

You may well ask, after my own personal experience with abortion, am I pro CHOICE or pro LIFE ?

I am pro CHOICE and will never condemn or judge another woman for her choices. But, I am also pro LIFE and believe that ALL life is precious, each soul serving an important purpose in this world. Even the soul of an aborted child comes to teach us valuable lessons in love and loss, which I am forever grateful.

Mindfulinteraction ❤

When we were little girls our parents said to us …

A promise we have made to you,
that will forever and always be true.
Fear itself, is more afraid of your ability,
to love and to believe in otherworldly possibility.
So, with the love of magic forever flowing through your veins,
trust your heart and never be fooled by your brains.
Whenever you’re in trouble, lonely or afraid,
just close your eyes and wait,
for the fairies to come to your aid.

They told us special stories,
and held us all so tight.
They made us feel safe,
each and every night.

They said, if nightmares come,
as they sometimes do.
Just close your eyes and listen,
to the sound of Tinkers shoes.

Down from your light, she will appear,
And grow ten times her size.
To stand and fight your fears,
While you hold tight our eyes.

So, whenever I feel afraid,
whenever I feel blue.
I still hold tight my eyes,
and listen for Tinkers shoes.

You see, I still believe in fairies,
I still believe it true.
This is why I share,
this special story with you

Mindfulinteraction ❤

Sometimes, shit happens !!!

But are you like me, and wonder WHY ?

Why must we go through the shit to learn and grow ?

And why the fuck does the worst shit always happen to good people ?

Yup, here I am just pondering over the purpose of shit

Wondering

WHY ?

And I’m thinking, that although our minds are truly remarkable creations, its our heart that is the KEY to creating the life we imagine.

I believe …

Our ability to break OPEN our hearts and FEEL unlocks our minds to other possibilities.

Unlocking the blockages
Allowing energy to flow
Freeing us from our minds
Expanding our consciousness

Our heart being the key that holds the power to create,

which guides us towards the magic

But, I pose the question …

Must our hearts break open ?

We can only speak from our own personal experience and learn from others who share their experiences with us. But it seems that a broken heart is either a dreadful tragedy or its rich in purpose, depending on how we think about it.

But our experience of loss seems to be essential in the process

Perhaps being the polarity of love, it brings balance ?

So, I pose the question …

Must we feel loss to truly value love ?

Hmmmmmm she ponders 🤔

It all comes down to this …

Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or you’re wiping up shit

Mindfulinteraction ❤

I wrote this poem while trying desperately to remain friends with my husband during our 2 year separation, which was 10 years ago. We both struggled because he was still in love with me and although I had fallen out of love with him, I still loved him very much. So boundaries were very important to maintain and almost impossible to enforce during those first 2 years. It was a very bumpy road that taught me much, but it was a road that could have been smoother if I knew then what I know now.

Hindsight, is a wonderful thing ☺

You see, I was the one who wanted the marriage to end and so feelings of guilt that hurt my heart, consumed me for many years. I broke his heart, I tore our family apart and I selfishly wanted more from my life. Lacking awareness of self, the guilt festered inside of me like an infection, unconsciously influencing my future choices in love. Although I was open to love, deep in my core, I never truly believed myself worthy of receiving it.

However, we are unable to change our limiting beliefs, until we first become aware them. Like many others, instead of taking personal responsibility for my own experiences, I continued to project onto my ex hubby, blaming him for not being the man or the Father I wanted him to be. But denying aspects of myself, while attributing them onto him, only reflected how I myself, wasn’t the woman or Mother I wanted to be.

When I finally came to this realization, many years later, I experienced even more guilt and heart hurt. Those deeper understandings and thoughts took time to process, which then unleashed deeper emotions that liberated me when finally released.

These are the inner battles people speak of, those times when we have a choice. To either sit in the darkness and determine what our demons are feeding off (or) indulge in behaviours that avoid confronting the truth of who we are.

For years, I escaped myself with sex, drugs and rock and roll (so to speak)

So, I ask YOU …

Why do you fear sitting alone with yourself, when the truth will set you free ?

My journey inwards exposes some of those deeper heart wounds, such as this that I sought forgiveness for. But my own heart healing was only possible after several heart breaks, broke me open.

I sincerely thank those men who broke my heart open to love, for without the love that we shared, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today.

Letting go, with love

Searching for answers, its become clearer to see,
Our life together starts to slip away from me.
Try as I might to hold onto the past,
Its time for our love to be released, at last.

No longer can I have my heart open wide,
For the ache is unbearable when you come to my side.
I know in my heart we are not meant to be,
So it hurts to the core when you insist on loving me.

Fear in my heart brings a flow of tears from my eyes,
For the rules have now changed and its time for goodbyes.
Difficult to let go of a love so strong,
But we dont need to hold on to feel like we belong.

Friendship is what I need from you now,
Based on respect, if we can manage it, somehow.
I cherish you always and will be forever in your life,
Just not as a lover, confidant or wife.

A safe distance is needed between you and I,
To ensure I no longer have any more tears to cry.
Happiness for your future, is what I long to feel,
Yet emotions run deep and seem part of the deal.

So, in my heart you will always and forever remain,
But I need to bring some sunshine out of this pain.
For our children please never be too far away,
Because in their lives I want you always to stay.

Reaching deep inside I see a light burning bright,
Something more for me is well within sight.
I thank you for all that you have ever given me,
But its time to let you go, so I can become all I can be.

Mindfulinteraction ❤

I wrote the guts of this poem 10 years ago, but decided to breathe new life into it.

When I first wrote it, I was sitting in a motel room, alone, feeling very lost and unsure of my future. Separated from my husband of 11 years, I was focusing on creating a new life for my 3 kids and I. So when an opportunity for an Enrolled Nursing scholarship presented itself through work, I took it.

All the trainee nurses were placed in the hospitals for work experience, all except two of us. We were placed in Mental Health, which I was thrilled about. Because I had already decided that it was my focus of interest.

It was a very challenging 2 weeks because my colleague and I sat in on multiple Group Therapy sessions with clients, that stirred up all kinds of stuff. During the day I was the student, learning the process. But when alone in my motel room, I was the woman dealing with her emotional shit. We joked about getting about 5 years worth of therapy, which is exactly how it felt by the end of our 2 weeks. When it was over, I was left feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted !!!

The ironic thing was, while I stayed down there, I woke every morning to a heavy fog on the horizon. And in some strange way I felt a sense of connection with Nature. I didn’t understand it, but the feeling brought me some comfort during those nights alone, in the dark.

There is absolutely no denying that my path has been guided and that destiny plays an important part in my direction. My desire to learn more about the lived experience in Residential Aged Care has taken me off the recommended educational pathway. And in the great words of Robert Frost …

” I took the road less traveled by, and that’s made all the difference”

Fog on the horizon

Like a whirlwind she lost all sense of direction,
as memories and questions continued to race through her mind,
seeking clarity and demanding answers.

Who ? .. What ? .. Where ? .. When ? .. Why ? .. How ?

Questions that kept getting louder and louder,
insistent upon a response,
until she couldn’t take it any more.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!

She screamed,
falling down onto the ground,
gasping for breath.

She desperately wanted to make sense of the chaos and turmoil,
and understand the purpose it served,
because she needed to find meaning in the mess.

But uncertainty overwhelmed her
when answers didn’t come,
so she surrendered to the flow of emotion.

Tears of frustration flowed,
and her hurting heart pulsated to the rhythm of fear,
as shadows lurked in the corners of her mind.

Each night, she danced in the darkness,
welcoming her descent into the abyss of solitude,
in the hopes of seeking absolution in the silence.

But each morning, fog lay heavy on the horizon,
unable to see what was ahead of her,
she braced herself for yet another day.

She opened up the door to a future unknown,
with hope in her heart,
and she just kept on walking.

Mindfulinteraction ❤