Our understanding of something will generally relate to how we DEFINE it, because our definitions attach meaning that helps us to make sense of something

 How we define something will influence how we THINK about it …

… and how we think about it will impact on how we EXPERIENCE it

After my recent conversations about the conflict and challenges I’ve been experiencing in my life, I decided to look a little deeper into the possibility that my feelings of being stuck could be related to my own resistance

So, I slipped into my Dora the Explorer shoes and explored my own definitions …

As I looked at some of my own understandings and experiences, I realized that perhaps it was my expectations that were causing some resistance and keeping me stuck ?

 Expectations are like our fears, we ALL have them, but they often lie just beneath the surface, influencing our automatic responses. If we mindlessly move through our days, we are often oblivious to the impact they are having on our everyday choices and experiences. So, lets look at our expectations …

Have you ever attended a show and been disappointed by the performance ?

Have you ever been rejected for a job you were sure you would get ?

Have you ever hoped for more and received less ?

Have you ever had a plan of action that failed ?

Have you ever imagined a future with someone you loved but lost them ?

Have you ever fallen in love but had to let them go ?

It’s a natural response to be disappointed or hurt when things don’t go to plan … but is it a realistic expectation to move through life without having any expectations ?

We may avoid disappointment and hurt if we don’t expect anything … but can we achieve great things without raising the level of our expectations ?

Not everyone will live up to our expectations … but if we don’t expect to be treated with respect will we be respected ?

How can we achieve our wildest dreams if we don’t expect them to come true ?

I can see how our expectations can prevent us from accepting and appreciating WHAT IS … but it’s not so easy to accept the unexpected or be prepared to accept those things that hurt or disappoint us

“Grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change. COURAGE to change the things I can. WISDOM to know the difference” (Serenity pray)

We are not always going to get it right. Ultimately, we are going to suffer consequences of any choice we make. Our expectations will change as we do. Change and growth is therefore an ongoing learning process

As a woman I have very high expectations of myself and I’m my own biggest critic, but I’m learning how to become my own best friend and biggest supporter, instead of beating myself up with the critic stick whenever things go wrong or change direction … it’s a process

As a single woman I’ve often compared my experiences of love to those who appear to be in satisfying relationships, with an expectation that true love lasts forever, but I’m learning that not everyone grows in love together … it’s a process

As a divorced mother I often allow myself to be influenced by how others understand and experience motherhood, instead of trusting the flow of my own change and growth. I’ve carried my mothers guilt as a form of self punishment for not living up to mine or others expectations, which is a mighty heavy burden to carry, but I’m learning how to be more gentle with myself as I change and grow … it’s a process

As a nurse with a dream of improving lived experiences and empowering the elderly in Nursing Homes, I continue to confront obstacles and challenges that cause me discomfort, but I’m learning how to become part of the solution instead of being consumed by the problem … it’s a process

Everything happens for a reason …

… even our disappointments, failures, rejections, heart breaks and losses ALL serve a very important purpose in our life experience and our souls quest for growth

WHAT IF our lives don’t turn out the way we had hoped because life has MORE to teach and offer us ?

 I believe our plans constantly change because WE DO

and so the journey of LOVE continues …

Do you ever feel like a duck treading water ?

Those times when we are confronting many or major challenges, when life is changing and times are stressful, when we feel completely overwhelmed. When we appear to have our shit together on the surface, yet people are totally oblivious to us paddling like fuck trying to keep our heads above the water

WHAT IF we stopped paddling ? …

… 1 of 3 things could happen and ALL depend upon OUR choice of action

we could TENSE up, sink to the bottom and DROWN

we could RESIST, splash around frantically and continue to STRUGGLE

or we could RELAX, float on our backs and ENJOY THE RIDE

Hmmmm … when it comes to my own experiences of fear, hurt, depression, anxiety, loss, rejection or failure it’s not so easy to RELAX into the thoughts and feelings that often accompany such experiences, hence my STRUGGLE

 Apparently, we privilege our experience of NOW by being more AWARE, whether it be of our feelings, our thoughts or our surroundings …

… but WHAT IF our experience of NOW is shitty and uncomfortable ?

It’s easy to flow and relax into positive experiences, while having the ability to think positive thoughts and being able to flow with positive feelings. But the real challenge is learning how to flow and relax into negative experiences WITHOUT tension, resistance, avoidance or denial …

It’s during times of discomfort that our HABITUAL RESPONSES will often surface. Our defense mechanisms and coping strategies reflected in our choice of action …

 WHAT DO WE DO ? … We light the cigarette, pour the drink, eat too much, don’t eat at all, pull back from people, seek out people, hide in our beds, become more social, sleep too much, don’t sleep at all, bite our nails, run, walk, write, read, draw, have sex, masturbate, blame others, blame ourselves, put things into perspective by comparing our experience with others …

We generally will DO whatever we can to shift the discomfort and feel better. But when we shift our discomfort without understanding it, it will only resurface with more intensity during another challenge or conflict

 Even with this understanding I’ve still been feeling stuck, blocked, restless and completely fucking FRUSTRATED !!!

? ? ? WHY ? ? ?

Hmmmm (she ponders) … is THIS my problem ?

I can relate to the quote being a woman who is striving to LIVE the life she IMAGINES. A woman constantly moving towards accomplishing her goals, while juggling multiple roles and responsibilities. A woman who BELIEVES that she deserves to LIVE her dreams, regardless of the obstacles

RESISTANCE is something I feel, so WHERE is coming from ?

I believe … ACCEPTING that our past experiences and future hopes impact upon our experience of NOW is the first step to CHANGING any discomforts or conflicts

I think … DENYING this truth only prevents us from understanding what influences our experience and therefore keeps us stuck in our discomforts or conflicts

Over the years I’ve been learning how to observe my thoughts and be more mindful of my thinking, in attempts to identify any beliefs that no longer align with my wants and needs. I’ve been focusing my attention on my own habits and behaviour in attempts to make better choices. I’ve been allowing my feelings to flow as I stand in and express my truth. I strive to keep myself open to change by focusing my time and energy on healing any hurts, that may be preventing me from moving forward

BUT I still feel stuck … WHY ? ? ?

I used to think that once we became comfortable sitting with our discomforts that something would change. But I found that the more I sat with my discomforts the more comfortable I became sitting with them. This kind of thinking didn’t remove my discomforts, it only increased my ability to be able to BE PRESENT with them

I now ask HOW do I move through and LET GO of my discomforts and conflicts

Something I love about women, is their willingness to SHARE their wisdom and SUPPORT others on their journey. A dear friend held space for me to help me explore some relationship challenges and conflicts. During our discussion I became aware of how the appraisal of my feelings were still reinforcing the belief that my feelings were wrong, not valid or justified. We also identified that I unconsciously attached to some feelings as a form of self punishment (insert gasp)

With this sudden new awareness now popping into my consciousness, it automatically CHANGES my experience as I become more mindful of my thoughts and more aware of my feelings, that may influence my behaviour. Of course this raises MORE discomfort as I begin to process and feel my way through this new realization. My dream state reflected a shift in consciousness, which I always find very exciting and extremely interesting …

My dream was about my teeth crumbling and falling out, followed by my jaw coming away from my face. I recall not feeling pain nor fear, but I was shocked and didn’t understand what was happening …

According to dream analysis a broken jaw reflects a sense of loosing a grip on life, reassessing plans because things aren’t going to plan. What I found VERY interesting was how the dream analyst spoke about how the chosen path taken for career growth suffers primarily due to poor economy, but that this must happen for my own mental and spiritual growth … WTF ? … serious goosey bump moment reading those words. Teeth falling out reflects state of anxiety during radical change, feelings of helplessness and a lack of control over life circumstance and experiences of loss. My dreams raised important questions …

Will I continue to maintain my direction long term, will I make small adjustments or will I take a totally different path ?

How willing or able am I to tolerate the discomfort and tension of the situation I’m in ?

What do I need TO DO to better align with my life and priorities ?

Reminding myself to be patient and compassionate with my changing self is something I need more support with. Learning how to truly love myself for ALL of who I have been, am and will be is sometimes no easy quest and can be quite the adventure …

I am a work in progress … and that is OK

With new realizations and insights I am able to consciously make different CHOICES, which then create opportunities for different experiences

A mind-blowing concept to grasp isn’t it … that WE are in complete control over our experiences, that WE have the ability to create any reality we can imagine, that WE only need identify our resistance to change, that WE just need to make a different choice to have a different experience, that WE are our only limitation

Are YOU open to receive what you want ?

I wrote this in my “CONNECTION” blog a few months ago … 

“To fully appreciate our connection with others we must first honestly identify our own wants and needs … because the more honest we are with ourselves the more we attract with energies that better satisfy our needs, better fulfill our wants and better serve our growth …The universe will connect us with those who are attracted to our energies and we will be attracted to others in the same way … some will connect to our body because they are attracted to how we look … some will connect to our mind because they are attracted to how we think … some will connect to our heart because they are attracted to how we love … some will connect to our soul because they are attracted to who we are … and some will connect to us on ALL levels because they are attracted to YOU for ALL of who you are”

… and I find myself pondering over CONNECTION again

WHAT IF … my feelings of unrest is related to my connection with myself and my experiences of love then being a reflection of that sense of connection ?

As I reflected over my previous intimate connections with men a pattern emerged …

WHO I was attracted to and WHY, which influenced HOW I experienced LOVE

 I learned a long time ago after lots of frustrations and many disappointments, that my happiness is not dependant upon anyone other than myself … Experience has taught me that conflicts within a relationship most certainly reflect our own internal conflicts … So, I created an image to clarify the different levels of love to help make sense of my connection to self and others and identify any experiences of internal conflict or disconnection …

My first “falling into love” experience was with my husband to be when I was 18 years old. I was physically attracted to him, so we connected intially on a sexual level. But he also made me feel safe and secure during a time when I was lost, due to emigration to Australia with my family that literally turned my world upside down and inside out. My love for him deepened over time as we raised our family together, but the more I started to find myself, the more we seemed to drift apart. I started to feel like my need for change and growth was being compromised and so our 11 year marriage eventually ended. Parenthood keeps us connected and its a love I’ve never fallen out of, it’s just changed …

Adjusting to those changes involve ALOT of ongoing self-reflection

After my divorce I was single for about 7 years and although I met many wonderful men and experienced love, I wasnt willing to fall into love with anything less than extraordinary … I wanted more than a sense of safety and I needed to feel more than the twitching in my loins

My second “falling into love” experience was unexpected, not to mention complicated. He was an old friend, in an unhappy marriage who lived at the other side of the world. The distance meant that we connected on an emotional level and my heart was awoken, but it was a long and winding road with far TOO many bumps. We disconnected and reconnected a few times over 7 years because of our unwillingness to let go. Eventually I walked away and am still moving through the process of letting go after a recent reconnection and yet another bumpy ride. TOO many complications and the recognition that he could never really love me in the way I deserved to be loved. A tragic tale of love, about two people destined to connect and awaken but who were never meant to be together. A love I havent yet fallen out of, but it’s changing …

Finding the lesson and healing my hurts is still an ongoing process … HOW do you let go of a love that never was yours to begin with … HOW do you gain closure from a relationship that never was ?

 My third “falling into love” experience was during a disconnection with my 2nd love, with a man who stimulated my mind. We connected on an intellectual level and I was attracted to how he expressed himself through the written word. He was a beautiful man with a childlike wonder, who helped me to see the world through a different lens, which opened up new and wonderful perspectives. An intriguing man with an unfortunate past that created walls and barriers, which I was unable to break through. I started to feel like my need for intimacy was being compromised and so our 18 month relationship eventually ended because I needed MORE than companionship

My fourth “falling into love” experience was a recent intense and brief encounter, during a time of healing. I was attracted to his energy and our chemistry was something I’ve never experienced before. It was a connection that shifted lots of emotion around during a time of intense heart hurt. But recent conflict has forced me to confront myself before I loose myself. I am a woman without inbetweens. I am either ALL in or not at all

I used to believe that true love was about meeting our soul mates and living happily ever after … but then LIFE happened and my experiences have certainly changed my beliefs about love. I now believe that WE are our own true love and that our life lessons are our soul mates. I believe that we are destined to connect with those who teach us something about ourselves because its our lesson to learn. I believe nothing lasts forever when our intention is to learn and grow. I believe that we connect with others to awaken or let go of something. I believe that finding the reasons for our connections, attractions, loves and losses is challenging because it forces us to confront ourself

 How do YOU think, feel, connect and love YOURSELF ?

WHAT IF our progressive spiritual growth depends upon our love connections ? ? ?

WHAT IF we opened ourselves up to love instead of closing our hearts in fear ? ? ?

WHAT IF we believed that what we need is what we deserve ? ? ?

WHAT IF we are destined to connect with many souls in our life time ? ? ?

If I had listened to others who cared for me, those who wanted to guide me in other directions to avoid hurts, instead of trusting my own instincts, then I certainly wouldn’t be the person I am today. I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I have learned. I wouldn’t have the insights I can now see. I wouldn’t have the depth of understanding I now understand. I wouldn’t have the questions I now ask

I AM a woman who seeks experiences and so I will always be attracted to those connections that make me feel, think or see something I never have before …

I AM a woman who will compromise my wants for those I love but not if it means compromising what I need … because I am learning to trust, believe and LOVE myself enough to let go of anything that no longer serves my growth

I AM a woman falling into love with HERSELF

Today .. I’m feeling a little emotional as I physically LET GO of some emotional attachments to the past. I’ll be honest, I wasnt expecting to feel this way … I mean who cries over a book-case and a dismantled bed for fooksakes ? ? ?

Someone who appreciates the sentimental value of our belongings

Someone who remembers buying them with her husband as they began their life together and became a family

Someone who believes that our energies are transferred into those things we love

Someone who has many memories attached to them

I sat at my sisters place the other day. Her daughter in the chair fiddling with her phone, pretending not to be listening to what we were yakking on about. Her son in his bedroom chatting to my son about computer games. Her dogs sitting at the back door waiting patiently for their evening meal. Her cat prowling around the house being mischievous. Her husband busying himself in the back yard …

… and my heart ached a little

Dont get me wrong, I have no regrets about my life choices … but letting go of those final pieces of furniture, reminded me of how we can sometimes become attached to how we think our lives should be, instead of embracing ALL of what our life could be

I’ve been consciously moving through my own process of healing. Letting go of all the hurts and disappointments that keep pulling me back from living the life I want. And the more I do … the more I want to let go and free fall into life

When we focus our attention on our own thinking, feeling, being and doing … we begin to realize how our own thoughts, emotions, beliefs and behaviours influence our experiences … we begin to understand how we are holding ourselves back … and we begin to experience a sense of freedom when we LET GO

I imagine a life with less attachments and more connections

I imagine a life with less excuses not to and more reasons TO DO

I imagine a life with less baggage that holds me back and more freedom to let me go

I imagine a life with less unstimulating routines and more wonderful adventures

I imagine a life with less stress and more excitement

I imagine a life with less fear and more LOVE

CHANGE was something that made me feel uncomfortable … but WHY ? ? ?

Because I grew up in the UK where nothing much changed, so I felt very protected and safe surrounded by familiarity and security. My first BIG change happened when I was 17 years old, when I emigrated to Australia with my family. It was a shock to the system and wasnt experienced as a positive, because I struggled to find my way and lost myself in the process of change

Hence, my fear of change …

When we choose to live a more conscious life then one thing is for certain, change will be consistent. I can honestly say that I no longer fear change … I CRAVE it !!!

Seeking truths, finding answers and coming to new understandings is all about asking the right questions, and being the curious woman I am, I LOVE questions … So, I get very excited when people ask me those important and meaningful questions that make me STOP and REFLECT

“What is LOVE to you” ? …

 … was the question my Mam asked me during a recent conversation we were having about my love life

Being a woman who has loved many I sometimes struggle to understand who, why, when and how I love the men in my life … My automatic response was, “it varies and has multiple levels”, which only caused even more confusion (insert giggle)

So, I pondered and gave the question some more thought, because even though I have an inner knowing about my feelings and experiences around love, it wasnt so easy to explain

LOVE … means many different things to many different people, and it’s a feeling that’s often difficult to describe and explain … so this is my attempt of explaining what love means to me

For me, the love I have for my children is the DEEPEST and TRUEST love I’ve ever experienced … it’s a love and connection that remains strong, regardless of time and space … Theres something kind of wonderful about making, carrying and raising a child … But, however prepared we may think we are, nothing quite compares us for this journey … Like many of us, I tend to learn most from the experiences as they unfold … Motherhood definitely continues to be my biggest teacher and lesson of unconditional love

 For me, the love I feel for my family remains CONSTANT and CONSISTENT, regardless of challenges and conflicts … Although our life experiences often result in uncomfortable changes, there’s always been a sense of acceptance and respect for our differences and who we are as individuals … The love of family provides me with a strong sense of connection, comfort and security and continues to be my biggest teacher and lesson on attachment

For me, the love I feel for my friends also remains CONSTANT, but challenges and conflicts often CHANGES our connection … Some friendships fade, while others strengthen and deepen … Over the years my circle of friendship continues to change as we do, but when a strong connection is formed, it’s usually a forever kind of bond … Friendship continues to be my biggest teacher and lesson in diversity

My experience of romantic love has been and continues to be FOREVER CHANGING, based on my own growth and therefore dependant upon my own wants, needs and expectations … I’ve been doing ALOT of reflecting upon my previous heart connections as I focus on understanding myself and healing heart hurts … My romantic and intimate connections continues to be my biggest teacher and lesson in self-love

Why do we fall in love ?

Understanding why our hearts connect with someone is the key that unlocks deeper understandings into ourselves, and why we therefore choose a certain relationship

… which leads me to SELF LOVE

I used to believe that I didn’t fall in love easily, which isn’t true … I actually fall in love often and love LOTS of things about life … because for me, love isn’t just about the feelings between a man and a woman … love is whatever is in my heart …

… and I hold ALOT of love for MANY different things in my heart

I hold the love for my nearest and dearest … and fall in love with them more with each passing year … because the more experiences we share together, the more depth and substance it gives our connection

I hold the love for my passions and interests … because they are what give my life meaning and provides me with a sense of purpose

I hold love for people … for all those who are brave enough to be themselves, in a world trying to make them something else … for all those who pay it forward … for all those suffering and for all those aspiring

I hold love for the magic and wonderful wildness of nature and animals … every time I’m confronted with something beautiful … and each time I’m reminded that I’m guided and supported by the universe … I fall in love with life that little bit more

  BUT … I’ve always been my biggest critic and therefore havent really loved myself in the way I truly deserve … my understanding of self-love has and continues to change ALL of my experiences … which at times can be confronting, challenging and uncomfortable … because to love ourselves more, we must be willing to LET GO of everything that holds us back from doing so (people, things, beliefs etc.)

 LOVE is true when its unconditional

LOVE feels secure when its constant and consistent

Challenges and conflicts changes our LOVE connections

LOVE is forever changing depending upon wants, needs and expectations

I’ve been trying to finish a blog entry based on a question I was asked recently …

“What is love to you” ? …

… but my self reflection stirred up some very uncomfortable thoughts and opened up my heart to some very intense emotions, when I suddenly found myself confronted with several challenging situations all at once (a hurting child, financial stress, work conflict and heart challenges) … and like any bad habit, several of the buggers rose their ugly heads at once, in attempts to “help me cope” (hmmmm)

How do you cope during unexpected challenges and conflicts ?

Are you aware of your automatic coping mechanisms during times of stress ?

Do you reflect over your habits and behaviours ?

 I have a habit of thinking TOO much (insert wink) … and so I’ve given ALOT of thought to those questions

When I feel anxious or worried I chew on my fingers and bite my nails

When I feel stressed or overwhelmed I reach for booze, cigarettes and sex

When I feel depressed or emotional I comfort eat

When I feel alone or have low self-esteem I seek out male attention

Ofcourse, I also engage in more positive coping behaviours, but this blog is about the uncomfortable truth about how I’ve leaned on bad habits to cope with challenging life experiences … the habits I’ve been consciously working on changing over the past 10 years … and the very same habits that ALWAYS surface during challenges or conflicts

SO … Whats changed ? ? ?

My biggest accomplishment is that I’ve finally successfully kicked the smoking habit (HURRAY for me) … but I still “think” about it during times of stress and have reached for it during emotional break down mode, but it no longer provides me with the same sense of comfort or relief … It now makes me feel physically ill, which triggers off an entirely different reaction, making it much easier to STOP the behaviour before it becomes a habit

I still chew on my fingers, especially when I watch scary movies, which suggests there’s a strong relationship to fear … but when it comes to stress, I now recognise that when I start to nibble I need to self-care … and when I mindfully manage my stress better, I automatically don’t engage in the behaviour … the condition of my fingers has become a GREAT visual indicator of how well I’m coping

I very rarely drink to escape or avoid my reality anymore, because I’m actively working on creating the life I want to live … However, I still indulge in a few glasses of wine to help me relax … but I’m mindful of when and why I over indulge … so if I ever find myself reaching for the booze during times of stress, I usually end up talking myself out of it because of my self-awareness … but there are times when I tell myself … “Screw you” … and over indulge during my moments of misery anyways … because I am a human BEING who ever she is, based on whatever she is thinking

WHY damn it WHY ? … comfort eating is STILL my most challenging habit to beat … because temptation is EVERYWHERE … and so how well I do depends greatly upon my state of mind … some days I get it right and other days I don’t

It wasnt all that long ago that my heart was broken … and making a conscious decision to keep my hurting heart open to experiences, instead of pining over a love lost, I went back onto the online dating site

Ofcourse, this was also about fulfilling my intimacy needs as well as my need to still feel desired, wanted and worthy of love … but I’ve tired of the endless interest from those seeking sex … and I find myself fleeing from those seeking love

Its become apparent that its neither sex nor love I’m looking for

My ego obviously no longer drives me because I no longer seek attention … my heart wants and needs CONNECTION

Perhaps … that’s because my focus is loving myself more ?

” the art of pleasing, is the art of deception ” (Luc de Clapiers)

Seems like an odd statement to make …

How can pleasing others be considered deceiving ?

Making people happy is a good thing … right ?

I think its fair to say that we all prefer to please rather than to disappoint, but before we go any further, ask yourself …

WHAT MOTIVATES YOU to please others ?

Is people pleasing a true act of selflessness ?

Or can it also be a selfish act ?

And when does pleasing others become a problem ?

I can already feel the people pleasers squirming in seats, clenching jaws and frowning brows (insert giggle)

I giggle because I know it all too well …

I AM a recovering people pleaser !!!

and as my beliefs & behaviour changes … I confront a variety of new and different challenges

How did my people pleasing behaviour begin ?

I was raised to believe that putting others before myself was a selfless act of kindness… so whenever I considered myself first, I thought I was being too selfish and felt bad about myself

I was raised to believe that as a woman and mother my needs should come secondary to the needs of others … so whenever I considered my own needs first, I thought I was being too selfish and felt bad about myself

I was raised to believe that helping and supporting others is what made me a good person … so whenever I didn’t offer the kind of help and support someone wanted, then I thought I wasn’t being helpful and felt bad about myself

Feeling BAD about myself prevents me from truly LOVING myself …

So, something HAD to change !!!

My previous beliefs made it extremely difficult to say NO to people and speak my truth in the past, and whenever I did say NO and speak my truth, I experienced feelings of guilt and shame

So, HOW do we stop feeling guilty ?

I often refer to our minds as being like a computer, and just as our computers require software upgrades, so do our minds …

Some of our beliefs become OUT DATED !!!

But, HOW do we know when its time to upgrade ?

If our thoughts create our reality, then its our beliefs that shape our thoughts, which influence our emotions, that impact on our energy flow, which creates our experience …

Therefore, our experience of tension and conflict is our first indicator

So, acknowledging the emotion, to determine the thought, will identify the belief that prevents our energy flow …

WHAT IS cognitive dissonance ?

Its when a CORE BELIEF is challenged … when new evidence suggests that the belief we hold is no longer our truth, it creates feelings of extreme discomfort … and to relieve the discomfort we will often rationalize, ignore and even deny anything that rejects the truth of our core belief

A complicated process … perhaps ?

But none the less, its an ESSENTIAL aspect of our change and growth

As I began to take more personal responsibility for my own experiences and become more consciously aware of my own habits and behaviours, the more I continue to question my own thoughts and beliefs …

Saying NO, considering my own needs first, dropping the guilt trips and blame games, confronting conflicting truths with intentions to understand, voicing my opinion with more confidence, living my truth without the need to justify my actions and changing the way I think about how I help and support others, isn’t always easy …

it has and does bring me great discomforts as my experiences change

Because the more authentic I become the less people I please

FACT: being authentic means we ARE going to displease others

FACT: our truth WILL challenge others

FACT: to love ourselves we MUST look at our people pleasing habits

I believe people pleasing becomes a problem when we choose to please others out of fear of being disliked or rejected

I believe people pleasing becomes a bad habit when we do it to avoid criticism and conflict

I believe people pleasing becomes unhealthy when we believe other people are more important than ourselves

Accepting that some people do not and will not like me isn’t something I’m comfortable with, but I’m learning to not take it personally

Accepting that some people must leave my life isn’t something I do easily, but I’m learning to let go of what was so life can become ALL it can be

Accepting that my choices will be disapproved by those who matter most in my life causes me discomfort, but I’m learning to trust my own heart and walk my own path with more confidence

Accepting that other peoples happiness isn’t my responsibility is sometimes challenging, but I’m learning to maintain healthier boundaries

Maintaining healthy boundaries is important for ALL of our relationships and interactions with others and ourselves … because when we start living an authentic life our giving comes from a place of love and not from a sense of duty or responsibility

Acknowledging how we allow others to manipulate us and how we deceive ourselves is important for ALL of our relationships and interactions with others and ourselves … because when we stand in our truths we encourage others to do the same, which cultivates more self love and less unhealthy attachments and dependencies

Can you say NO without guilt ?

Has your NO been respected in the past ?

Does your NO hold power ?

Are your boundaries respected ?

Are your opinions valued ?

Is your body respected ?

Are your feelings validated ?

When we focus on pleasing others, we fail to please ourselves …

Take back the POWER to LOVE yourself

I read a wonderful blog about “Taking back your NO”, by Lisa Vallejos, that inspired me to write about our people pleasing habits … the blog is an emotional story about holding space, sharing experience, healing hurt and supporting truths … well worth a read, so click on the link …

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/07/taking-back-your-no/

We live in a world where SEX sells but MASTURBATION shames … something I can’t quite wrap my head around … because masturbation is a common behaviour and a popular habit enjoyed by many, regardless of age or relationship status … yet it’s something that many people are not all that comfortable talking about

I was raised in a loving home by loving parents, but whenever the topic of masturbation or sex came up (usually initiated by yours truly) then tensions in the room certainly increased, and it STILL causes discomforts whenever the topic is raised … heavens forbid if I can bring up the topic of conversation around my 3 children (now aged 18, 19 , 20) … and who wants to imagine older people in nursing homes with any form of sexual need

Hmmmmm … sex is considered to be a basic human need, essential for the survival of our species and pleasure is something we ALL seek … so WHY does it cause so much embarrassment and discomfort and WHY don’t we talk more openly and honestly about it ? … Our teenagers are most likely surfing the net for sexual content to satisfy their curiosities and wonderings … because its just TOO darn uncomfortable to talk about … and not ALL old people have been raised under the strict restrictions of Catholic guilt and shame … many acknowledge and identify with their sexual needs … but they are often shamed and guilted into silence and submission by those who find the topic uncomfortable

As professional helpers can you see the importance of understanding WHY we may prefer to avoid this subject ? … understanding our own attitudes and beliefs is imperative to ensure that we don’t deny the needs of others, based on our own discomforts

 I’ve had many honest and open conversations with people, including the elderly about sex, masturbation, libido and intimacy … conversations that not too many people are willing to engage in, let alone initiate

WHY do people masturbate ? ? ?

HELLO !!! … because it feels good of course … it relieves tensions, supports relaxation, improves mood, helps us to become more familiar with our own bodies, increases sexual pleasure and it can improve relationships

Is it shameful to touch yourself ?

Do you feel guilty for giving yourself sexual pleasure ?

Do you feel uncomfortable talking about masturbation ?

Answers to those questions will give some insight into your own beliefs and attitudes towards sex and masturbation, which will influence your own thoughts, feelings and therefore experiences

But I pose another question …How can we truly love ourselves if we feel negatively about satisfying our own intimacy needs ?

Yes … I AM a masturbating, sexually active woman … who has experienced feelings of shame and guilt

Anyone else ? ? ? … then lets see a show of hands (insert wink)

My experiences of masturbation have been somewhat interesting to say the least, memories that would make me blush with embarrassment whenever my parents brought up funny stories at family gatherings (insert snigger) … I was the kid with ALOT of questions and far TOO many curiosities and wonderings … accidentally stumbling across a place that gave me a tingly sensation at a very young age

Yes, I was that kid rocking back and forth happily in the shopping trolley and on her chair during class and assembly, getting all tingly … at primary school for fooksakes (insert gasp) hahaha … Oh yes, many an embarrassing moment for my parents … so I soon learned that it was NOT something to be done in public, and so I secretly indulged in my tinglings in private, feeling like I was doing something very naughty … which was where the feelings of shame and guilt began

I refer to them as “tinglings” because I never experienced the intensity of a true orgasm until I was 19 years old … which will probably surprise those who know me well, considering I was a child hood rocker (insert snigger n snort)

Have you ever experienced an intensely emotional or energetic shift during love-making ?

Have you ever sobbed during an orgasm ?

Have you ever avoided or denied yourself sexual intimacy to gain a sense of control ?

Have you ever engaged in casual sex to either gain or lose control ?

Have you ever completely let go of all inhibitions and allowed yourself complete sexual liberation ?

Yup … the child with ALOT of questions and TOO many curiosities and wonderings grew up to be a woman with ALOT more questions and many MORE curiosities and wonderings (insert smile)

For me, masturbation now holds a much deeper meaning without the subconscious experiences of shame and guilt attached to it … the energy around self love has shifted and my experiences are changing … masturbation and sex have both become a source of healing as I choose to keep my heart open to new and different experiences

The theory of how the universe was created with the bursting of atoms suddenly takes on a whole new meaning … having recently experienced an orgasm so profoundly intense that I felt it literally changing the cellular structure of my mind … like a burst of light to my conscience and a shot of love delivered directly to the centre of my heart … I held my eyes tightly closed because I was so completely overwhelmed with what was occurring inside of my body … WOWZERS !!!

Then as the orgasm subsided the tears flowed from a place so deep that I had an unnerving drowning sensation … as if I was breathing under water … I laid there for a few moments, alone, with a feeling of complete surrender … and was compelled to LOOK at myself because I felt “different”… so I stood in front of the mirror naked and gazed into my eyes

I seen a softness and vulnerability … I SEEN myself for the person I truly am, instead of being distracted by the imperfections of my body … I witnessed my soul … and as tears ran down my face and love filled my heart I said the words out loud …

I LOVE YOU

It was probably the most profound heart healing Ive had to date

There is no shame in loving yourself

 I used to believe that vulnerability reflected a sense of weakness, fragility, delicacy, powerlessness, incompetence, incapability and inadequacy ..

… but HOW did I come to hold this belief ? ? ?

As a child I was raised to believe that the world was not a safe place for the vulnerable

As a young woman I was taught that I needed to show strength in order to protect myself

As a mother I nurture, protect and defend my children during their vulnerable years

As a woman I’ve experienced hurt when I’ve exposed my vulnerabilities to men I trusted

As a nurse I’ve seen how the aged experience vulnerability ..

So … no surprise WHY it’s a state of being that I’ve tried my best to avoid

But I’m starting to think and feel a little differently about vulnerability. Although I still find it to be an uncomfortable place to sit, especially when I express parts of myself that I’ve usually kept hidden .. its a place I want to sit or stand more often

How DISGRACEFULLY wonderful (wink) hahahaha … Something I love most about myself is how my external experiences often reflect my internal processes … just as my personal experiences often reflect my professional developments … because there’s an openness and honesty about how and why I do what I do

TO BE vulnerable is to be able to stand in and express our truth

TO BE vulnerable is to have the courage to expose who we really are

TO BE vulnerable is being susceptible to harm, hurt, attack, judgment and criticism

TO BE vulnerable takes courage .. but to gain courage we must first be willing to be vulnerable ..

Brene Brown has a lot to say about vulnerability in her book, “Daring Greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent and lead” … I havent read it yet myself, but its on my list of TO DOs

Sitting with our vulnerabilities can be a wonderful source of healing, but its company can be a little uncomfortable and unsettling. I think its fair to say that we tend to feel most vulnerable during times of loss, when our hearts have been broken. Our hurts often causing us to close up, shut down or turn off, to protect ourselves …

… but what if we did the opposite ? ? ?

What IF … when our hearts have been broken wide open we kept them open ?

What if we flowed with the experience and used it as a rich source of healing & growth ?

What if we privileged our heart breaks the same as we do our heart joys ?

What if we felt safe enough to allow ourselves to feel & flow through the hurt ?

What if we shared our deepest thoughts and feelings with others ?

The less fearful I feel about sitting with and exposing my vulnerabilities, the more my thoughts and feelings change about matters of the heart … I now believe that the purpose of our heartaches are not to hurt us, but to remind us about our ability to love … I now believe that our hearts break when we become attached to an expected outcome, that conflicts with our own and someone elses needs and wants … I now believe that the purpose of heart-break is not to disappoint or punish us, but to break our hearts open and teach us about the importance of self-love … I still believe that our biggest motivator is love, but we tend to focus that love towards others instead of ourselves … I still believe that learning to love without attachment is a difficult concept to grasp, but appreciate how it can better serve us … I still believe that although our happiness can be influenced by another, it should never be dependant upon someone other than yourself

VULNERABILITY … is about standing up and being seen