There was a time when I thought that finding my soul mate would make me feel whole and complete, because I held the belief that our soul mates were our other half … but WHY did I hold this belief ? ? ?

Because growing up I heard people introduce their partners by saying things like … “this is my other half” … or say things in jest like … “I’m his better half” … I’ve lived in a society that promotes the romance and unrealistic expectations of relationships … and as human beings we are often hard wired to connect, attach and depend upon other people … hence MY belief.

But this belief and thinking reflects that we are less than, that we are not whole. It confines us and holds us back from being all that we can be. So, is it any wonder why we then attract other halves ? … Is it really a surprise why we then connect with those who don’t feel worthy of love ? … Does it really shock us then that our partners seem to be emotionally unavailable ?

After my own experiences and reflections on love I now think very differently about soul mates. I now think that soul mates are MIRRORS that REFLECT our souls. I think they are people who AWAKEN us, providing us with an opportunity to look deeper into ourselves. And I think that we can find such reflections within ALL of our relationships, connections and interactions. A pretty huge shift in thinking that created a NEW belief.

I NOW believe that our soul is attracted to what needs to be discovered within ourselves. An awareness of any subconscious blockages to our own flow and expression of love and light. An experience that exposes our deepest truths … which are our wounds, hurts, fears and scars in need of healing.

In reflection I can now appreciate how my previous relationships reflected how I was feeling about myself, as I found myself confronted with my deepest hurts, fears and insecurities. I’m slowly learning the art of gratitude for those not so wonderful experiences and reflections, but it’s certainly NOT an easy habit to maintain … WHY ? … Because whenever we find ourselves confronted with an ugly truth or a dark shadow that’s been lurking in the depths of our subconscious, we automatically click into survival auto pilot mode … we FIGHT, FLIGHT or FREEZE !!!

When we FIGHT we become defensive, we may feel angry or frustrated, we engage in conflict and we aim to win and conquer those who threaten us …

When we FLIGHT we become anxious, we may feel hurt or upset, we avoid conflict and we aim to escape, run and hide from those who threaten us …

When we FREEZE we become numb, we may feel fearful or overwhelmed, we shut down and we close off to avoid how we think and feel about what threatens us …

So … WHY is it important to become more aware of our automatic responses ? … because that’s often where and how our BAD HABITS are formed. Being more mindful in our interactions we can begin to practice with different responses. So instead of jumping to our defenses in FIGHT MODE and engaging in behaviours that increase conflict, we can focus more on conflict resolution by learning how to communicate our thoughts, feelings, needs, wants and expectations more effectively. Instead of feeding our anxieties in FLIGHT MODE and avoiding conflict by engaging in self destructive behaviours, we can learn how to sit more comfortably with our discomforts. And instead of avoiding ourselves in FREEZE MODE by building up walls to protect ourselves, we can learn how to face our fears with more courage and confidence.

I strongly believe that when we start to take complete responsibility for our own experiences, we start to focus our attention on our own healing and then become more proactive in our own growth.

“Healing ourselves is the ultimate environmental activism, it’s a political act” (Ben Ralston)

So… WHY do others deny or reject our truths ? .. and WHY do I sometimes feel challenged by someone elses truth ? .. in my experience those who have challenged or rejected my instincts have done so because it challenged their own truth .. and my reactions to someone elses truth are generally prompts and insights into my own triggers that need to be acknowledged and healed.

I think its fair to say that we ALL struggle with taking complete responsibility at times. Even those who live a mindful well balanced life require the necessary time and space to be able to respond, instead of react to challenges and conflicts in life. Why do you think the Dali Lama allocates so much of his time to his spiritual practice … to make sure he’s got a grip and has his shit together (wink)

Taking complete responsibility for our own lives IS a habit well worth cultivating … and it will determine whether we have a good life or an AMAZING life !!!

For TOO many years I allowed the opinions of others to influence my experiences because I didn’t completely trust nor believe in myself … so I sought support and followed advice instead of holding myself in the space of discomfort and listening to my own sense of knowing … it then made perfect sense why I was unable to take complete responsibility for my own experiences … SO WHAT CHANGED ? ? ?

MY THINKING !!! … I started to challenge my thoughts and question my beliefs

Before the deconstruction process my mind resembled a fully functional and organized computer system, which helped to make sense of my world. My mind automatically responded to stimulus because of past experiences and understandings, so most of the time I didn’t even need to consciously think … TOO EASY !!!

BUT … the more new experiences I confronted and the more curiosities I had, the more my mind malfunctioned … I would experience OVER THINKING without actually reaching any conclusions or the entire system would SHUT DOWN … I was desperately trying to make sense of my world because what I thought and believed to be true, suddenly did not match my new sense of reality … and so the deconstruction process of my mind began … and it looked something like this …

But for those of us who are technologically challenged … then it probably looked more like that !!!

Oh yes !!! … what a mighty fine mess I found myself in (wink) … I had boxes upon boxes of crap to rummage through … I came across memories on top of old dusty shelves … I stumbled over files and folders filled with feelings … I sorted through experiences from times gone by … I was overwhelmed by STUFF and thought to myself  WTF now ? ? ?

WELL … I then proceeded to organize my shit … and it was BRUTAL !!!

I realized how much I was hanging onto and I learned that many of my thoughts and beliefs were out dated … so my mind went through a spring cleaning … what I love most about our experiences, is how our internal processes often manifest themselves externally … because the more my mind started to declutter, so did my living space

SO … if you struggle with a cluttered mind and are resistant to challenge your thinking or are reluctant to start the deconstruction process … then why not start by sorting through the accumulated crap around the house ? ? ?  … I am learning that the more we take personal responsibility for ALL of our experiences … YES, even the negative and crappy moments inflicted by the behavior of others … then ironically the more control we have over our own lives …

Be CONSTRUCTIVE in your thinking … instead of allowing your thoughts to DESTROY you !!!

As Mothers I’m sure we’ve all asked ourselves this question at some stage, if not frequently. Therefore our self doubting can often become a habit. I’ve been parenting now for 20 years and I can honestly say that those doubts have not reduced because the more I learn, the more there is to learn … its like the NEVER ENDING story (gasp)

The part we play as Mothers may change over the years as the needs of our children change, but the unconditional love remains ALWAYS and FOREVER. Its the adjustments to those changing needs that are often our biggest challenge, especially as we confront our own personal challenges.

Over the years Motherhood has taken me on a wild and wonderful ride but DIVORCE and HORMONES (my teenagers and my own) have certainly been the wildest. And I’m not sure we can EVER really be fully prepared for those kinds of challenges, but its because of those challenges and conflicts that Motherhood now holds a much deeper meaning for me.

The choices I’ve made over the years have taught me valuable lessons, but those lessons often came at a cost. At times I have failed my children and many times I still feel like a failure. I’ve taken lots of guilt trips, played many a blame game and I continue to have doubts and uncertainties as a Mother ¿¿¿¿ … But I think THATS what makes us a good Mother, because our need to BE better motivates us to DO better.

There is NO right or wrong way of being a good Mother. We just love our children and do the very best we can, learning along the way. I open my mouth and my Mother often comes out, her words `I’m learning how to be a Mother just as you are learning how to be an adult`, are often spoken to my cubs as they grow and mature. I always appreciate that kind of honesty from my Mam and her wise words continue to support and guide me on my own journey as a Mother.

Having good support systems in place is ESSENTIAL no matter who we are or what we are doing, but the support and understanding of other Mothers benefits us all. So appreciate the experience and wisdom of your own Mother, seek out Sisterhood support and know that you are NEVER alone in your struggles.

Being a Mother to my 3 young adults has been and continues to be my biggest challenge but also my biggest joy in life. Teaching me so much about love, life and myself. Hindsight being a wonderful thing (wink) … but when we know better we hopefully DO better.

ENJOY the journey because Motherhood is the best ride of LOVE we will EVER decide to take !!

SELF LOVE … is a regard for your own well being and happiness. It influences the partner we choose, the relationships we have and how we cope with problems. Its a state of appreciation for ourselves and it grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth.

HOW can we learn to self love ?

BE MINDFUL … about your thoughts, feelings, wants, needs and expectations. The more self aware we are the more we can avoid those self harming behaviours that turn into bad habits.

ACT ON WHAT YOU NEED INSTEAD OF WHAT YOU WANT … love yourself enough to turn away from something that feels good but pulls you back. Love yourself enough to stay strong and centered to what moves you forward. The more self aware we are the more we can avoid automatic behavior patterns that keep us stuck in the past and impede self love.

PRACTICE SELF CARE … take better care of your own basic needs by nourishing yourself daily. Focusing on nutrition, exercise, sleep, intimacy and social interactions. The more self aware we are the better choices we make.

SET BOUNDARIES … know your limits and say NO to anything that may cause you physical, emotional or spiritual harm. Its not only OK to prioritize your own needs, its ESSENTIAL. The more self aware we are the more we avoid situations that bring us unnecessary conflict and discomfort.

PROTECT YOURSELF … rid yourself of ´frenemies´, those friends who take pleasure in your pain and loss rather than your happiness and success. The more self aware we are the better friendship choices we make.

FORGIVE YOURSELF …when we take personal responsibility for our actions we can often punish ourselves. But we must accept our humanness and understand that there are no failures when we learn and grow from our mistakes, and there are no mistakes when we realize that we are given choices to learn and grown from. The more self aware we are the more gentle we become with ourselves.

LIVE INTENTIONALLY … when our intention is to live a meaningful and healthy life then our decisions will support this intention. The more self aware we are the more we move through life with a sense of purpose.

Cultivate the habit of self love and become all you can be !!!

A few days on the internet dating playground and it soon became obvious that my game had changed …

After 7 months of celibacy and a broken heart, I thought I just needed to get back out there and have a good time. I thought I needed to satisfy my sexual desires to liberate myself as a woman, instead of feeling like a wounded animal. I thought to move on I needed to let go of the man I love and move forward with a man I want … NOTE TO SELF – Don’t believe everything you think !!!

I like to think of the brain as a complex computer system with its excitable neurons transmitting action potential through the cells of our body, not so different to the electricity that feeds our computers. During my heartbreak there was more feeling than thinking going on, so old programs wired into my brain´s hard drive automatically starting to run previous thoughts that drove and motivated my behavior in the past. However, those belief systems were now out dated, no longer serving me …

SO … time to reboot the system and update the new software.

My heart is much stronger than I had ever imagined because I now have the courage to sit in the depths of my hurting heart and privilege the experience as much as I do my joys. My ego is in no need of rubbing because I know my own worth, it was this knowing that motivated me to walk away from the man I love.

I’m no longer interested in engaging in meaningless superficial chat with men only interested in connecting for a quick fix or escape because my life has depth I no longer wish to escape. I have no interest in rubbing egos with anyone else because my heart now leads the way. I stand in my truth and acknowledge that although my body desires and craves the touch of a man, I want to share this experience with someone I truly connect with …

“A man who does not play games for he holds all others as equal to himself. A man who is open and honest in speaking his truth for he knows to hide his voice is to veil his purpose. A man who has no shame for the love in his heart for he knows to feel is sacred. A man who owns his mistakes and his past, but is not a prisoner to its chain.“

Does this man exist ?   …. not on a dating site (insert wink)

WELCOME … to the world of online dating. A place where the players play, the chasers chase, the lovers love, the cheaters cheat, the talkers talk and the watchers watch.

The internet has become a habit for most of us, so its no surprise that online dating has become so popular. Being someone who loves human behavior I find this world to be quite fascinating and I must admit that I do enjoy playing my part in it. But that’s what online dating has always been for me, a playground of sorts. Although I’m always open to love and I do seek genuine connections, its not a place I go looking for love. Its a place I’ve gone in the past to find myself and to identify what I like and don’t like in a man, a place to seek different experiences with people I would usually never had crossed paths with, a place for wonderful new adventures with like minded people, a place for fun and good times. So its no surprise that when I’m ready to be back in the game, that I find myself back on the playground (insert cheeky smile).

We live in a time of technology and so dating has become more like social networking. We browse the web to find the right site, we browse the profiles to find the right look, we browse the chats to find the right connection. But is it really any different to enjoying a night out at the pub ? … apart from being able to move through the process of elimination at lightening speed and disconnect from the jerks instead of being harassed by unwanted sexual advances all night … Oh yes, online dating does have its perks.

After a break up are we broken hearted or is our ego just bruised ?… because lets be brutally honest, when someone decides that you’re just not worth fighting for anymore, our ego feels it as much as our hearts do. So lets face it, multiple men seeking our attention does rub ones ego … So while we heal our broken hearts by pouring self love back in, what better place to rub ones shattered ego than on an online dating site ?

But please proceed with CAUTION !!!!

… because not ALL people are who they claim to be

… not ALL people will comfortably express their truth, exposing only parts of themselves

… and the biggest mistake people make is having unrealistic expectations about the playground

SO, take Sister Disgrace´s advice …

• be YOURSELF by being honest and open about who you are
• be aware of your NEEDS and be honest and open about what you want
• be PREPARED by understanding how the games are played on the playground
• be PRESENT and just enjoy connecting and meeting new people
• and let the FUN begin !!!!

Lets talk SEX and LOVE …because lets face it we all need and want it in some shape or form … in reference to the previous posts about food and unmet needs it turns out I didn’t need a sandwich but I did need to shave (insert mischievous wink)

Well … the professional helper did state that she was going to get personal about her habits and so here comes Sister Disgrace at her best. After her recent heartbreak she has spent the last week in the throws of her misery and despair, grieving the loss of her love AGAIN .. yes folks this woman has already been through the heartbreak twice before with the same man …

Fool me once … shame on you

Fool me twice … shame on me

Fool me thrice … you’re a dick and I’m the fool

Having been here before, I asked myself ´how long do I sit around in woe is me and continue to make myself miserable´ ? … or do I decide to just pick myself back up and carry on living ? .. say enough is ENOUGH because TOO many tears have already been cried and TOO much suffering has already been endured ? … Lets opt for LIVING shall we because its much more productive, not to mention satisfying … but HOW does one pick themselves back up after their hearts have been broken ?

Well … that will depend on the person but for me its about focusing on my own needs … and after 6 months of abstaining from sex because of my love for a man living at the other side of the world … lets start by LOVING myself and fulfilling my need for SEX (insert wink and smile)

Ahh yes the old habit of casual sex rears its delightful head … I’m sure the moral police are pointing their fingers and shaking their heads in disgust, as they continue reading in great anticipation about what might be disclosed next … those who believe that sex should be between 2 people who love each other are absolutely right. Granted that’s preferable even in my disgraceful world BUT being single doesn’t automatically make us nuns (insert snigger)

Sex is one of our very basic needs and yet its disregarded and pushed aside all TOO often. I’ve seen this part of a human experience denied and ignored in Aged Care, as if we turn a certain age and the need for sex just turns off … BULL SHIT !!! … I’ve personally experienced the shame put onto those of us who have healthy sexual appetites, who choose to fulfill that need instead of denying ourselves just because we are not in a loving relationship.

So long as sex is between 2 consensual adults then what’s the problem ? … is there a problem with having a healthy sex life when we are old or if we are single ?

MORE to follow …

I’ve been moving through some very uncomfortable emotions lately, relating to matters of the heart, so eating habits shall be today’s hot topic discussion. Our food habits are one of the most challenging to change because we can’t live without food and we are surrounded by food ALWAYS .. it’s not like a smoking habit because we can’t avoid it, it’s not like a booze habit because we have to buy it, and it’s not like a sex habit because we can’t live without it.

Comfort eating has been one of my hardest habits to change, but after years of exploration at least I understand it a little more … WHY do we over eat, emotional eat and binge eat ??? … I found a great resource while tapping comfort eating into GOOGLE search …“Growing human(kind)ness” blog by Karly Randolph Pitmans, who after experiencing eating disorders and addictions herself, created a supportive space to help others … check it out !!!

In regards to the habit formation of over eating, emotional eating and binge eating, we eat to fullfill a NEED. So to understand WHY we do it, we first need to identify the need that drives the habit itself. Karly breaks it down beautifully and highlights the main reasons WHY we abuse food …

• Fight / Flight … eating to cope with increased energy caused by anxiety, stress, tension, fear or panic
• Comfort … eating to soothe and nurture an unmet need or feeling
• Numbing … eating to cope with excessive emotions
• Self Attack … eating to punish ourselves

So … the first step in changing our bad eating habits is to understand why we are heading for the fridge in the first place and identify what it is we ACTUALLY need ?