Whenever my body, mind and heart are in conflict, like they are now. I feel CONFUSED.

So I listen to what my gut instincts are saying, but there’s so much noise going on inside me.

I can’t determine who’s saying what ? ? ? ?

My body wants to feel the warmth of touch
My mind wants to protect me from hurt
My heart wants to open me up to love

And my guts are feeling nauseous !!!

In my confused state, I can neither trust my thoughts or feelings. So, I retreat to my bed and sleep. Falling deeper into my inner world.

Lost inside of myself !!!

Please, I beg. Give me clearer answers so I can move in the right direction. But the questions persist and the answers are not yet known.

There is no escape from my confusion.

Its an unknown space of uncertainty, where I feel the most uncomfortable. My unconscious mind screams the loudest, as truths wriggle and squirm inside of me like a serpent.

The liberation of my consciousness !!!

A shift in perception and a change of heart that promises the clarity of mind and direction.

Trust the process and ……… breathe ❤

I’m learning that when relationships end, its often difficult to gain closure, heal and move on with an open heart thats willing to love again. Because we are often blind to the other persons truth, which offers an incomplete story.

Hence why I often contemplate over my own experiences of love and loss.

I was feeling a little more anxious about arriving in the UK because I was confronting the end of my relationship. Before leaving Australia I was forced to be brutally honest with myself. After a tough 7 months, it was time to do what’s right for me. Truth be told, my heart hasn’t been fully committed to the man who was loving me. So, I had been completely honest with him before returning to the UK.

He knew I still loved another man but my grief keeps pulling me back into solitude. To focus on the relationship I have with myself and this new world I now find myself in. My heart’s so very confused and conflicted. I feel unable to love him in the way he deserves. And if we’re both being totally honest with each other, he wants to settle with someone in the South and I want to put some roots down in the North.

Such conversations are always best shared face to face, but I wanted him to know how I was truly feeling before he picked me up. So he could make the choice to see me or not.

We were both preparing our hearts for closure. But I certainly wasn’t expecting the curve ball he threw me on our drive from the airport. I was shocked to hear that he was dating again so soon. And wondered, how could he move on so quickly? It was news that gave rise to a multitude of feelings, to an already weary me from travel and emotional goodbyes.

Although a little relieved that he is moving on, I was hurt that he didn’t wait until I had returned to the UK. I was angry that he didn’t give me the same respect I had given him. I was jealous of the new woman now in his life. And I was so very disappointed about loosing the possibility of maintaining a friendship.

In all fairness, it was to be expected when I had been pushing him away. But I truly believed that his silence was about giving me some time & space, to clarify my confusions. Deep down, I had hoped he would fight harder for me and our relationship. So, yes, my heart hurts but my ego is also a little bruised.

As you can imagine it was an intense 24 hours together. Because both of us still love one another, but it seems that the depth of our love isn’t strong enough to hold our relationship together. And there is no one to blame for that.

I certainly don’t blame him for his choices and totally understand his actions. And I take full responsibility for the part I have played. I have broken his heart and nothing about that feels good for either one of us.

In all honesty, I don’t believe that we can avoid the pain of a hurting heart. Because having witnessed one of the greatest love stories reach a bitter end. I’ve learned that love and loss are just equal sides of the same coin.

As I watched my parents hold onto each other during their greatest fear, with such selfless love and devotion. It was a vision that both broke and warmed my heart to see. And an experience that forced me to reflect upon my own intimate relationships.

When it comes to love, I walk a very different path to my parents and sisters. It seems I haven’t really walked a parallel path with the men I’ve loved. A truth that hit me hard when the man loving me, said that our time together had been the best times of his life.

I wondered how could this be so, when it was in fact the worst time of my life ? 

Although I was glad to hear that he was leaving the relationship more confident within himself. I couldn’t help but feel a little annoyed because I’m feeling so very insecure in myself.

But I strongly believe that our relationships offer valuable lessons in love. So I’m always grateful for the reflection (in-to-me-see). And I’m always grateful for the love that is shared.

Although I consider myself blessed to have experienced love with many wonderful men over my 44 years of life, I often wonder …

Am I destined to grow in love, alone ?

And so the journey continues ❤

Sitting on the beach last night, alone with my sorrow and insecurities, I felt HELD ❤ Perhaps it was the warm presence of spirit ?

Sometimes I wish I had the gift of sight. The ability to SEE who sits and walks with me. Oh Mam, how I long to look up and see your face.

Although we shared, there’s still so much left unsaid between us. I miss our conversations about life and love. I’m struggling to shake the regrets from my mind, that continue to torture me. What if you’re the only one who can release me from my suffering ? Will this cold dark of night ever leave my side ? Will I ever feel the warmth of the sun on my heart again ?

Yesterday, I felt the familiar sting of loss and rejection, that triggered my fears and brought a sense of chaos in my mind. Shared truths that created distance and space for other feelings to arise from the depths of my being. Like a wounded child, I sought comfort from my Mam

Hold me 💔

” It’s good to also be aware that Virgo transits can cause us to be more critical than usual – of ourselves & others. So be mindful of how you share your observations, feedback & suggestions with others. ”

I often fail in my interactions because I’m not mindful enough. I wish I’d read Tanishka’s moon wisdoms yesterday. Maybe it would have given me a broader perspective into my feelings and a deeper understanding into my thoughts. Perhaps my conversations would have been more loving and less critical. Maybe I could have avoided the sting of rejection and loss that brought rise to my deeper wounds.

But what if those mindless interactions take us to where we need to go ? To bring our deeper truths from the darkest parts of our hearts 💔

The “Strong Woman”

I have tried to be her and I’m surrounded by many woman like her

BUT I REFUSE TO BE THIS WOMAN !!!

My resistance to accept her continues to create tension within me that I need to share. Because not only have I tried to be the “Strong Woman” but I notice how most people want me to be her. Repeatedly I have heard the phrase “Be Strong” and I’ll be honest with you, it started to really fucking piss me off.

People with the best of intentions are saying stuff that’s triggering this kind of woman into her feelings. For me it happened like this …

“Be strong for your Mam” as my sisters and I watched her dying before our very eyes. “Be strong for your Dad” when she died. Words that made my hurting heart scream !!!

After a conversation with a friend yesterday, I recognized how the anger rising in my belly was triggering my power centre. An inner conflict that was my catharsis for change.

We NEED tension and conflict for CHANGE to occur in our lives, so embrace it, its a gift ❤

Truth is, the strong woman isn’t being authentic because she’s faking it.

She’s faking the smiles for YOUR benefit. She’s surpressing her truth to make YOU feel more comfortable. She isn’t open to fully feel the flow of life because although she may be true to herself, she’s not bringing that truth to the interactions she has with others.

I REFUSE TO BE THIS WOMAN !!!

Truth is, I am NOT strong during those times when life is breaking my heart open.

I AM softened, sensitive and vulnerable

My strength comes from enduring the pain that demands to be felt. So please don’t tell me to be strong when I need to FEEL emotion as it arises because that hinders my healing.

I ASPIRE TO BE A WOMAN OF STRENGTH !!!

Because I strongly believe that our ability to sit with our vulnerabilities and share our uglier truths, is how we have more integrity and stay OPEN to living a more authentic life.

Keep it REAL and HEAL ❤

Universe sure does work in wonderful ways ☺
When it comes to love, there’s an experience that I’ve never been able to fully understand or explain. A connection that was starting to make a little more sense in my own mind, until I began re-feeding the fears and creating unnecessary drama, which was depleting my energy. As thoughts stirred and emotions flowed, something shifted within me energetically, that I’ve been sitting with. Unsure and still feeling a little frustrated because although there’s always been a sense of knowing, I still haven’t been able to fully understand my experience. Laying here tonight, alone with my thoughts with even more wonderings, I decided to open facey and an article from this woman captured my attention. And suddenly things start to make a little more sense … Gratitudes and Appreciations for your guidance Universe, my soul appreciates the support from spirit ❤

Authentic spiritual healing brings us closer to ourselves and the Source of Creation. We feel this deep within when our energy flows. We feel connected to self, others, Nature and Universe.

This kind of healing touches our deepest wounds and brings us face to face with our greatest fears. We FEEL SAFE TO FEEL life intensely.

Life breaks us open

We ride the waves and flow to the beat of life’s pulse.

Its about honesty

Transformation doesnt require us to relive our pain but to accept what was. Being who we are now and creating the future we dream about. Guiding through our fears, resistance, anger, desperation, jealousy, darkness, pain and frustrations. Deeper insights into our own experiences. Transforming energy not yet seen.

Opens our hearts

Not about cutting parts out but helps us to understand and honour those parts until we can bring enough energy to return twisted patterns, beliefs and energy to original loving intent.

We feel more self acceptance even about our non acceptance. Opens up to feel raw vulnerabilities and possibilities

Transforms our experiences

Subtly or Profoundly

Addresses issues at the Source

Struggle ends and we begin to create new experiences. We are free

Hello darkness my old friend 🌚

I haven’t slept much tonight because my moon flow had other intentions. When my energy is flowing with the natural cycles of Universe, I notice how my menstral cycle occurs during the New moon. Something I feel compelled to write about and share with other Goddesses.

Every month the moon circles the Earth, casting shadows. A cycle that influences a woman’s mind, body and soul.

Its no coincidence that both women and Luna have a 28 day cycle. Women are created to flow with the energies of Universe. And when our body and the moon are in synce, our cycle becomes an opportunity to “go with the flow.”

New moon is a great time for women to look inward, to honor our body and assess our lives.

To ask ourselves …

What is and isn’t working ?
What is no longer serving our greater good ?

It’s a time to set intentions and cleanse the body and mind of any stale or blocked energy.

A woman’s menstrual cycle is so much more than inconvenient bleeding and PMS. It’s an ebb and flow of energy. A cyclic rhythm we experience within our bodies that is sacred.

It’s to be celebrated

During the dark moon, we have an innate need to descend into the underworld and explore our shadow self. To confront the hidden parts of ourself that’s been relegated to the darkness by our collective consciousness.

When we make the descent we confront our shadow and connect to our repressed feelings.

We shine a light on our own darkness, which brings more light into the world. Inspiring others to do the same is how we shine brighter.

Each menstrual period and New moon gives us a chance to go within and listen to our own innate wisdom. As we unlock the hidden, darker parts of our psyche, we discover lost knowledge that enables us to heal our deepest wounds and transcend from our greatest fears.

We ascend from the underworld with more intuitive knowing, vision and personal power.

Doesn’t that sound like a journey worth taking?

When life gets ugly
Our lights don’t shine so brightly
We take a step back
Hide in the shadows
But I want to step forward
Out of the crowd
I want to be seen
For ALL of who I am
The pain
The confusion
The failure
The doubt
The guilt
The shame
The fear
But I’m censored
All of my experiences
Influenced by others
My sharing is mine
But its yours too
I feel resistance
Yes, I feel the love
But I’m surrounded by fear
I’m drowning in my truth
Comforted by my shadow
Mindful of your discomfort
Tension that stifles our growth
I breathe into this space
Diving in
I explore
The belief driving the thought ?
The thought energizing emotion ?
Why doesn’t the energy flow ?
What am I holding onto ?
How am I resisting ?
What am I afraid to feel ?
What are you afraid to see ?
Questions that lead me to a whisper
“It is our shadow that fears being seen”

They say to avoid disappointment then don’t expect too much from others, but I disagree because I am the TOO much kinda woman 😊

How can we ever live the kinda life we imagine if we keep lowering our expectations of others?

I want YOU to rise up and be ALL you can be. But your choices DO impact upon my experiences and therefore determine my choices.

So, we must ask ourselves …

Do we want to linger in feelings of resentment because someone isn’t living up to our expectations (or) are we willing to take complete responsibility for our own experiences ?

This has been a BIG switch in my thinking, that’s making all the difference to my experiences 😊

TRUTH is disappointment is a big part of our lives because we ALL want and need things from each other. Therefore, to gain insight into our own feelings of disappointment, we must first look at our own wants and needs.

Ask yourself …

What do I want?
What do I need?
Have I communicated this ?
Can the other person fullfill my wants?
Are they satisfying my needs?

Truth is our disappointments are all about US and it presents itself to teach US something. By holding another person responsible for our experience, we are giving someone else power over our experience. So, how can we RISE in our own power if we keep giving it away ?

Sure, we could waste precious time and energy with our internal conflicts that motivate us to be in conflict with other (or) we can ACCEPT that our wants and needs change as we do 😊

And this my friends, is how we respect each others choices and move forward with LOVE in our hearts ❤

Not all nice people are “nice”

Some paint on the smiles to be nice.
Some bite their tongue to be nice.
Some comfort others with lies to be nice.
Some talk shit to convince you they’re nice.

Truth is, I’m not always nice !!!

Sometimes …

I’m brutally honest with myself and others.
I will speak my truth, even when it hurts.
I acknowledge my own bullshit.
And not afraid to call you out on yours !!!

Truth is, its an act of bravery to expose the real you in a world of masks, created from delusional illusions.

Authenticity is revolutionary

But I’m learning …

To listen and trust my own instincts.
To confide within my circle of trust.
To mindfully share with others.
To be kind instead of faking “nice.”
To keep it fucking real.

Don’t trade your authenticity for approval ❤