The strong woman’s strength is her weakness

Ironic isn’t it

Shes challenged most by her strength, which makes her a difficult woman to love. Because whenever shes feeling emotionally fragile, she reluctantly exposes her vulnerability to the man she loves. Yet when shes feeling vulnerable, she needs to be seen and longs to be held the most.

A beautiful contradiction

She wont ask for your time or attention, but sometimes she will need it.

She struggles with the “need for other” because she knows it dis-empowers her.

So, she takes deep breaths, dives inwards and breathes into her sense of discomfort. Allowing emotion to rise and fall, focusing her full attention on what’s happening inside of her.

Asking …

Where am I avoiding myself ?
What don’t I want to see or feel ?
Who or what am I reaching for ?
What do I need from someone or something ?
How can I give this to myself ?
What am I resisting ?

I acknowledge that whenever I feel “needy” I experience it as weakness. And its my biggest challenge in my intimate relationships.

 I notice that I need most when I’m tired, poorly and feeling overwhelmed. This is when I feel “sooky” and “sensitive” and need someone to take care of me. Those are the times when I’m challenged most by thoughts and feelings around “other.”

When I’m in love, I fear “depending” or “relying” on him.

Why ?

Because Ive had many disappointments in the past. But the strong woman soon learns that such disappointments serve her growth. Because when we confront disappointments in our relationships, we confront our expectations that guide us towards our own lack of self love.

We fall into the depths of despair and into the darkness of our own minds, where we fight our inner demons. And this is how we gain our emotional strength and learn how to SELF LOVE.

A woman of strength will NEVER need a man in her life, but she will ALWAYS want to share a life of love.

She wants you to understand WHY she doesn’t need you.

What she needs most is to feel SAFE to be exactly who she is

Mindful interaction ❤

The bravest thing we can ever do … is to love again

I had plenty of reasons why I shouldn’t meet him, but I decided to focus on the reasons why I should. I was new in town and wanted to make new friends. Since arriving in the UK I had met some wonderful women, but was lacking male energy around me. I enjoy being in the company of men, so decided to hop onto POF and check out the local lads. But this time I wasn’t looking for a lover, I was hoping for a friendship.

He was new to the online dating scene and I had been back on the site for only a week, already feeling quite frustrated by the whole thing. We were both just looking for some company without any expectations, so it sounded like the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

On our 1st date (that wasn’t a date) there was an instant connection

We decided to meet at the Redlion pub in the center of Oxford. We both turned up half hour early, but neither of us were aware. Because while I sat in a booth indoors, he was waiting for me outside in the beer garden. I wandered up to the bar to see if he had arrived and noticed him straight away. He was sitting outside looking at his phone, typing a text to me. As he looked up and smiled, I instantly had a good feeling about him, so hugged him hello.

Being in his company felt “right” and our conversation flowed easily. He didn’t say much (when I eventually stopped for breath) but his eyes spoke to me. He wore glasses that magnified his baby blues and framed the windows of his soul beautifully. He kept smiling at me. I wondered what he was thinking and how he was feeling about meeting someone for the first time from an online dating site.

So, I asked him …

He told me that he was comfortable in my presence and that he was glad we had decided to meet as friends. Maybe that’s why we both felt so comfortable? because there wasn’t any pressure of hoping for a romantic spark or if we were attracted to each other. It was just two people sitting down, getting to know each other and it was wonderful.

Several times throughout our conversation I thought to myself “WTF are you telling him that for, ya fool” but I just kept on sharing my stories. We took a walk to another pub down the road, in search of food for my hungry belly and we shared a bowl of nachos (which were terrible). Neither of us like hot and spicy foods, so I dared us to eat one of the jalapenos for a laugh.

I liked how he enjoyed being silly and it was nice having fun together. As we hugged goodbye, I smiled as I wandered home because I knew that we had connected on purpose. I felt my heart opening up to him the moment we met, but it was OK because it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship … no pressure.

On our 2nd date there was something flowing between us

We met at the Victoria pub in Jericho. He was waiting for me outside and I noticed how his eyes lit up when he seen me. I liked how he walked over to meet me instead of waiting for me to arrive. We hugged hello and he took my hand in his for the first time. “Oh heck”, I thought to myself. “Don’t ya think that this is a little bit TOO friendly.”

He told me that his car had broken down just outside the park and ride, but he was more concerned about being late for our date. In that moment I felt important in his life and my heart opened a little more. As we chit chatted over dinner, his gaze made me feel a little uneasy because his attraction to me was obvious. But I wasn’t completely sure if I was ready for romance. My heart was still healing, I was focused on my work and so very uncertain about my direction in the future. So I tried my very best not to openly flirt with him, but my heart kept asking, “why are you holding back?”

My mind replied, “The fear of falling ya fool.”

But what was I afraid of ?

I was afraid of making the wrong choice
I was afraid of rushing into love
I was afraid of avoiding myself
I was afraid of hurting him
I was afraid of being hurt

As we stood outside saying goodbye, I knew he wanted to kiss me, but I avoided his lips. I needed to be certain about what I wanted. Did I want his friendship ? or did I want to explore a relationship with him ? I needed more time to gain some clarity because I wasn’t expecting to feel something more than friendship.

It was dusk when I strolled home from our date. Listening to the church bells ringing in the distance, I smiled. “Universe sure does work in mysterious ways”, I thought to myself.

On our 3rd date there was romance in the air

He took me to a place called Christmas Common because he knew I loved the forest and wanted to see the blue bells. I packed a picnic and he brought me pink roses and irises. I suggested he bring some chocolate along and when he asked “what type,” I said surprise me. So he brought me a Kinda Surprise, which made me smile.

I giggled at the look on his face when I took my tights off, so I could get some sun on my legs while we sat on the blanket. But was delighted how he honorably turned his back as I struggled to put them back on again. I liked how we were laughing a lot together. My heart just kept on opening up to him, but in truth, my mind was having a little dicky fit. So I hit the MUTE button and enjoyed the wonderful day as it flowed.

We strolled through the woods and got lost. Our stroll turned into a 3.5 hour hike, but we both embraced our unexpected adventure. We eventually found our way back to the car and went to the Victorian Arms pub, which was a lovely place by the river that I found a few weeks prior. The pub and gardens were packed with people but we found a table outside to watch the sunset. As the wind picked up and I got cold, he suggested I sit beside him (“Oh heck”, I thought to myself). He wrapped his arm around me to keep me warm and I felt myself melting into him. I knew he was holding back his desire to kiss me, so I leaned in and our lips touched for the very first time.

The perfect first kiss ❤

So, why did I pull away and look for my mobile phone?

I needed to hit PAUSE because my mind was racing with a multitude of thoughts and I needed to breathe. Although it felt right, my mind was struggling.

On our 4th date the feelings were flowing between us

He took me to the University Arboretum just outside of Oxford because he knew I’d love the grounds. I giggled how he ever so awkwardly hugged his first tree, but loved how he was open to the new experience. We walked holding hands, stopping on every seat that we passed, just so we could kiss and cuddle. It started to rain, which aroused the senses and made me feel all warm inside as the energy flowed between us.

Later that day, he took me to a beautiful spot by the river and we sat on a seat under the willow tree, watching the sun setting. He surprised me with an Easter gift, a Cadbury cream egg box set (my favourite) and a Lindt bunny. My heart burst open when he told me that he got it for the little gold “Tinker” bell. My mind was giving me the silent treatment, so I welcomed the quiet thoughts and just indulged in the feelings.

On our 5th date my head and heart were in conference

I took him to the University Park down the road because I wanted to share the beauty with him. As we lay on the grass, wrapped up in each other, I could sense the desire in his body stirring, but his touch was ever so gentle and respectful. Once again, I felt myself melting into his arms and I felt my body begin to open up to him. I thought to myself how not so long ago, I had sat in this very same spot, longing to be sharing it with someone special. And here I was, in his arms. WOW !!!

“How did this even happen” ? … I wondered

Although my heart was feeling the love, I held myself back from saying the words … but why ?

My fear was getting louder and my mind had a lot to say. It needed to remind me to take it slow and not rush, to make sure I knew what I was doing and why I was doing it. Telling me what a wonderful man he was, so make sure I knew for certain. Reminding me about how painful my heart breaks had been. Asking me if I really wanted to go there again? Asking if he was right for me and if I was right for him?

My heart wondered why the heck my brain had to ask so many damn questions?

Just OPEN up to the love and STOP thinking TOO much !!!

I noticed that there were no thoughts in my mind about whether I was worthy of his love or if he was worthy of mine, which made me smile. Truth is, he was a man of action, not words. It was his actions that kept showing me how he truly felt about me. I knew he wanted to love me.

On our 6th date passion started to heat things up

We met at the red post box around the corner and I took him to Port Meadow Nature Reserve. Feelings were flowing between us and our bodies wanted so desperately to touch, leading towards some heavy petting on the grass, which captured the interest of a dog walking his owner. We were giggling like a couple of high school kids, which only heated up the energy between us even more. When I moaned with pleasure, he later questioned if I had faked an orgasm and I thought to myself “WTF” ? because it took me by complete surprise, but demanding the kind of honesty that I appreciated.

Truth is, sex is never far from my mind, but my heart needed a soulful connection. So I had promised myself that I would make better choices in love. As a woman who had fallen deeply in love with herself, I was going to wait and only share my body with the right man at the right time, no ifs or buts !!!

I wondered, “Is this the right man and is this the right time?”

I appreciated how he was happy to flow at my speed, without any pressure. I was grateful that he was respecting my feelings, even though I knew he was hopeful for more. It was his patience and understanding that began to ease my mind.

On our 7th date I knew I was screwed before we even made love

We drove and drove and drove, trying to find the perfect place to be together somewhere beautiful and private in Nature. He kept looking at me with his soulful smiling eyes, saying so much without words. But how I so wanted to know what he was thinking and I wondered if he could read my mind. He suddenly pulled the car over because he couldn’t wait any longer to kiss me and I thought to myself …

“Oh fuck, I’m screwed” !!!

That was it, in that moment I knew

I was in love ❤

As we drove around in search of the perfect place to park, we came off the main road and took a side road towards a little village, which we circled twice because we took the wrong turn. Turning left for the third time, we kept on driving for over half hour, getting lost in wonderful surroundings. Only to find ourselves right back in the very same village again. WTF ? It was like something out of an Alfred Hitchcock episode. But when we turned right we noticed something we didn’t see coming into the village. A road veering off into a beautiful green meadow. The perfect place to park.

I felt Universe having a little fun and guiding us that day.

As my body fully opened up to him and his vulnerable heart fully opened up to me, my mind accepted what my heart already knew. There was so much more to this connection than just two people looking for company.

Since that day, I held back my true feelings because I wanted to be completely certain. I wanted to make sure that my feelings were about more than sex.

Truth is …

Opening up to love, is opening up to the possibility of falling in love

But I don’t want to FALL in love again

I want love to OPEN me up so that we can both RISE from it

I want to share the kinda love that awakens the parts of our soul that still sleeps

I want to be with someone who isn’t afraid to grow in love

Truth is …

Neither of us can guarantee the future, we can only fully embrace our today and flow into our tomorrow’s . I can’t promise him forever but I know that our togetherness is some kinda wonderful. I know that my heart wants to share love with him and I know that my soul recognizes him.

So, I waited until we were in Paris, the city of love and light, to say without reservation and complete certainty …

I love YOU ❤

This is a little story about a snail 🐌

It’s one of those fifty shades of grey kinda days in Oxford today. A rainy day that keeps everyone indoors. Its the kinda day we want to be snuggled up under the blanket sharing stories with each other, while sipping a hot cuppa tea.

As I hurried down the garden path towards the rubbish bins. I noticed the snails weren’t indoors and was a little amused to notice how they seemed to be enjoying the wet weather.

So, I bid them a good day and hurried back indoors with a smile ☺

I shared this with my client and she said “I used to call my younger brother, the snail” … and she smiled too ☺

I asked her to tell me about her brother and why she called him that.

She shared …

How he was affectionately given that nick name because as a child, he moved soooo slowly. As she spoke, she smiled as she recalled the fun they had shared together. The snail became symbolic even in his latter years because he walked ever so very slowly. A picture of a snail was placed on the funeral invitations and envelopes for his funeral.

When she finished sharing her story, I smiled and said “then the snails gave us a wonderful gift today”

She looked confused …

I continued to say how the snail had captured my attention on purpose. That sometimes we miss opportunities to connect with spirit because we fail to notice the messages they send us. I told her that I believed that the snail was her brothers way of saying “hello sis” 🤗

She smiled, her eyes sparkled and I thought to myself, thats what we ALL have the ability to share with each other. To help people see the magic that’s both within and around us, so that their own light can shine a little brighter 🌟

Memories are a connection to our past and they are also the key to our future.

So, I thankyou very much Mr Snail and it was very nice to make your acquaintance Bryan. You know, its funny, because as I write these words I have a visual image in my minds eye of an elderly gent nodding his head, as he tips his cap and smiles 😊

Mindful interaction ❤

If its something that I shouldn’t say, then I’ve probably already said it. Most likely put it in writing and am very likely to record myself saying it, just incase you didn’t hear me saying it the first time 😜 hahahaha

But, Im learning to love that about me because it reflects the bold ass attitude I lost many years ago. It reflects that I’m sharing my truth a little more confidently, regardless of how it may sound to others. It reflects how I no longer allow the opinions and judgements of others to hold me back from being completely myself.

YES I sometimes say the wrong things
YES I sometimes share half truths
YES I sometimes think irrationally
YES I sometimes feel messy
YES I sometimes fuck up

Don’t we all ?

But I no longer hide from myself. Instead, I hit RECORD and shine a god damn light on myself. So I can see her in all her glory, which is making all the difference.

Everytime I rewatch a recording, I fall a little deeper in love with what I see because I see the real ME 😍

I’ve shared a few of those recordings with you, but most are for my own private viewing. It’s taking my journaling one step further and I’m gaining a little more insight into myself, which better supports my flow in the now and helps to direct my thoughts, emotions and behaviour towards healthier directions.

Do you wish the world was different ?
Do you want more love in the world ?

Choices

We either remain part of the problem,
by pointing fingers and blaming others for the problems in our world (or) we become part of the solution,
by focusing on changing ourselves.

“BE the change you want to see in our world”

For fucksake drop the masks
Seek balance within yourself
Dive deeper into your mind
Become conscious about who YOU are
Open up your heart
Feel EVERY emotion that flows
Confront your fears
Better understand your shadow

Because this is how we heal and grow, which changes our world

Mindful interaction ❤

Dear Lover,

The house is silent and still.

I lay in bed, alone, drifting into the silence as dawn begins to break. Allowing myself to be seduced by the promise of pleasure. My hands explore my soft, warm body and I’m aroused by the stimulation of my senses. The sweet aroma of rain that fills the air, the beautiful morning song of the birds and the softness of cotton sheets that I feel beneath me.

As I caress myself, I imagine YOU, my lover, laying beside me.

My mind creates the vision of your presence and my body anticipates your tender loving touch, sending shivers of excitement that rushes towards my loins. The cool breeze blowing in from the open window, spreads goosybump tingles all over my skin and my body responds to the sensations.

A burning desire arises within me.

I yearn for YOU to be laying beside me. For your hands to reach over and pull me close, as you embrace me in your strong arms. Cupping my breasts and gliding your fingers over my sensitive nipples. Kissing the back of my neck and feeling the warmth of your breath as you nibble my ear lobe. Feeling the strength of your thighs as my backside rests upon them. Arching my back and leaning into you as your throbbing c*** slides inside of my warm, wet p****

The thought of YOU excites me.

Each stroke from my finger tips soften my yoni and she opens up, like the petals of a flower open up to the sun.

I think about how wonderful it will be, as you awaken from sleep and gaze upon my nakedness with adoration. How our bodies dance with each other. Your body awakening with a rush of blood flow and my body responding to your arousal with a rush of hormones.

The intensity of my stroke brings me closer and closer to climax. Passion burns and heat begins to radiate from my sacral chakra and I’m soon riding the wave, as energy of orgasm pulsates through my entire body.

My lover, our dance has only just begun ❤

” You and I live in different worlds and we collide sometimes “

Was what my client said the other day, while sitting together in the lounge room. We often have meaningful conversations that come out of the blue like that.

” I live in a dream world of memories mostly, ” she said.

My client has been diagnosed with Dementia, suffering short term memory loss, which causes her great confusion at times. But this certainly doesn’t make her any less of an intelligent woman. It means her reality keeps changing, which makes her extremely adaptable and resilient.

” We bumped into each other here in Oxford, ” she said

We spoke about our minds, about her memories of the past, my wild imagination of possiblity and how we collide NOW in the present

About how and why our worlds collide

“You teach me lots” I told her

She was amazed and wondered how ?

“By just being you, sharing your story, sharing your experiences, sharing what you did, sharing what you’ve learned, sharing your hopes, dreams and fears”

“WOW… I never thought I could teach anyone anything now” she replied.

I believe that this connection hasn’t been by chance. Universe has placed me here on purpose because Oxford had my heart the moment I arrived here. Every time I stroll around this beautiful city, I have a sense of excitement and I AM inspired to CREATE. Sometimes I need to pinch my arm, to remind myself that I am actually here and that this is my reality.

This wonderful adventure sometimes feels like a dream. I suppose that’s what it feels like to be truly living the dream ?

The connections I have made thus far are teaching me more about life and love

Work, writing, friendships and romance are all wonderful new experiences.

Why ?

Because instead of fighting the OLD ways of being and doing, I decided to focus my attention on creating NEW ways of being and doing.

All of which is still unfolding

Taking big risks and jumping into the unknown, at what felt like the worst possible time, comes with its own set of challenges and obstacles, which IS the very things that make them the wonderful adventures they are of course.

Those are the LEAPS OF FAITH that take us from what was towards what can be

 I jump IN a lot more often these days, rather than holding myself back. And whenever I sense myself holding back I’m recognizing why, then actively working towards shifting the block, so I can move forward with less resistance.

I do so love changing habits and discovering NEW ways of being and doing because it turns each and every challenge into a wonderful new adventure, which makes life so much more exciting, meaningful and purposeful.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some tough days to move through and part of me wonders if I’ll ever settle down into the comforts of familiar (or) if I’m forever destined to be the seeker.

For now, the question is enough 😊

Mindful interaction ❤

I am here to THRIVE in this lifetime

Granted, there was a time not so very long ago, when survival was the main aim of the game for us all. And unfortunately, its still very much a reality for far too many people, animals, as well as our beautiful planet Earth.

Which is why those of us who are privileged to be born into a culture, country and family that enables us to educate, explore and empower ourselves, have a responsibility to USE it for the greater good.

A truth that has motivated women of the past to stand up and shout out

And now motivates woman to become better acquainted with herself, to deepen her understandings, to balance her polarities, to heal, to truly love and value herself, to rise up and to support others to do the very same.

Because she knows that this IS the way forward for us ALL

Her actions aren’t always appreciated and her behaviour isn’t always understood, because she thinks differently to the norm and she acts boldly.

Why does she keeps choosing to wander down the most challenging roads, instead of settling for an ordinary life ? … they wonder

Truth is, at times she still questions herself

But she has a strong sense of knowing that keeps telling her to EXPERIENCE life in its entirety, to OPEN up fully, to HEAL deeply, to LOVE freely, to SHARE openly, to SUPPORT willingly, to INSPIRE daily, to LIVE with integrity and to BECOME all that she can BE.

Such women are SURRENDERING to the call and placing complete TRUST in the Universe, which is guiding them home.

Home, being to the heart of life itself ❤

To a way of BEING and DOING that we haven’t been actively taught, yet know

The process of unlearning centuries of conditioning and programming

Unlocking the hidden truths that lie deep within our cells

Bringing us towards a deeper connection with SELF and to the heart beat of Nature, which allows us to flow more freely with the energies of Universe.

To the places outside of our comfort zones, where the magic awaits to be harnessed. Where our minds are fully OPEN to experience the possibilities and our hearts are fully OPEN to experience the love, support and guidance from the Source of Creation.

To a place where we are far more fierce than fear itself

The warrior within … she rises

The wild woman within … she rises

The healer within … she rises

The Goddess within … she rises

These are exciting times to be sure ☺

They say that our soul chooses the family that will better serve our purpose in this lifetime. That we ourselves select the people who will support us on our journey home.

” Alone we are strong, together we are stronger “

The bond and strength of our blood and soul sisterhoods are strong. A bond and strength that my sisters and I experienced during our Dads recent cancer diagnosis. Call me crazy (many do) but I believe that we have the ability to THRIVE from ALL of our experiences

YES, I believe that we grow the most from our biggest challenges

Our parents taught my sisters and I that its not the problem that matters but how we deal with it that counts. So, when cancer became a “problem” in our lives, its become an opportunity for all of us to learn and grow from.

Is it easy ?

Fuck NO !!!

After the initial crisis, there has been many a bumpy moment and STILL is, but as a family we are strong. We may not always agree, but we are all motivated by the same thing, which is our LOVE and appreciation for one another.

Together we are ONE

What does that mean ?

Oneness is a “unity of thought, feeling, belief and aim”. A strong feeling of closeness and a deep sense of connection. It means being a part of something bigger than yourself, which describes FAMILY beautifully.

Imagine, taking that concept one step further and applying it to our communities

Imagine the kind of world we could create

So, whats stopping us from creating this kind of world ?

Our differences !!!

Now, this is when I share something about my family

When our Dad was fighting for his life, only days after a cancer diagnosis, our differences made all the difference to how we dealt with the problem

How ?

Because our individual strengths made the family stronger during crisis. Each of us playing an important role, which made all the difference to how we ALL dealt with the problem. I still get goosybump feel goods whenever I reflect over that experience, which is something I am writing about and shall share.

But for now, I want to talk about how my sisters and I deal with our problems. Although we all have a funny bone, a wish bone and a back bone, it was during our crisis that our individual strengths shone the brightest.

My youngest sister, Serena Dawn is the, FUNNY bone

As a child she was the joker of the family, always the one who would lighten tense moods with inappropriate antics, that brought a smile to our dial. As a grown woman she STILL does this 😊 she has the ability to laugh at the most unfunny experiences, which can drive me absolutely bonkers when she refuses to take things seriously. But I wouldn’t change her for the world because she reminds us all to lighten the fuck up, no matter how serious life gets

My middle sister, Kerry Amanda is the WISH bone

As a child she was always the observant one, paying close attention to what was going on around her. Never saying very much but when she did people would STOP and listen. As a grown woman she STILL does this 😊 she carry’s so much compassion in her heart for others, which often frustrates me because I see how it can cause her great strain. But I wouldn’t change her for the world because she reminds us all to carry hope in our hearts, no matter how hopeless it seems.

Then there’s me, Tracey Marie, the eldest sister, the BACK bone

As a child, I was always way TOO grown up for my own good. Yup, the TOO muchness started young. I played Mother Hen to my younger sisters and was forever challenging my parents. As a grown woman I STILL challenge my parents, but my Mothering has changed somewhat (much to my sisters relief). But I’m the one who will change myself for the world, DOING whatever needs to be done, no matter how challenging it is. I like to think that I remind them all of our strengths.

Imagine the possibilities if we focus our attention on how our differences are our GREATEST strengths. Imagine if we truly BELIEVED that each and every one of us on this planet have something of value to offer the greater good. Imagine if we CELEBRATED our differences instead of competing and comparing to one another. Imagine the same sense of love and appreciation we hold for our families, extending to those people who are completely different to us.

Imagine …

Mindful interaction ❤

Let me tell you a little story about love 😊

I married the first man I shared love with because, well I thought that’s what I was supposed to do when I fell in love.

To marry and start a family seemed like a perfectly reasonable and logical kind of life to create together.

Alas, the marriage didn’t flourish as we had hoped 💔

But we were destined to remain forever connected because of our three beautiful children. And our experience of parenting after divorce has been just as challenging as our marriage was. But its been something we’ve both worked hard at, in our own ways.

Still makes me smile how we celebrated our divorce. Heading to the city and watching Robbie Williams in concert. He knew how much I loved his music and so I was thrilled when he suggested it. Mind you, he was hopeful for a finale of sexual fireworks that night, in the hotel room after the excitement of the concert. But it had been a very bumpy 2 year seperation and in my mind it was the beginning of a NEW chapter of “friendship.”

So firmer boundaries were in order from the get go.

Besides, I was dating a wonderful man, who was working behind the stage of the same concert that very same night. So needless to say it was a very interesting experience.

I remained faithful to my word that night, even though we slept in the same bed together. Don’t get me wrong, it was far from easy because we had shared 11 years of marriage and the truth was, our sex life was fabulous, I still loved him and knew I always would.

But that night I accepted the marriage had ended and realized that I was a woman with a very strong will, loyal bones and a tender loving heart.

Hence my internal turmoil when I fell in love with a married man some years later, who didn’t seem to share the same sense of loyalty. Truth was, he DID, but it was to his wife, not me 💔

When I finally decided to let love completely back into my life again, it was with a man who I loved for all the wrong reasons. So it was a relationship that was destined to fail from the beginning 💔

Like many, Ive endured the conflict between my head and heart, and still do. But every experience I have ever chosen has provided some of the GREATEST lessons about this crazy little thing called love, that I’m forever grateful for.

I can honestly say that EVERY single chapter in my life has brought extraordinary loves, which is why my hurts have ran so very deep. Because my feelings run as deeply as my thoughts do. 

As I reflected over my challenges in love, while eating lunch at the pub. A diagram came to mind that I drew up, inbetween gobfulls of chicken pie and swigs of whiskey. A diagram Ive shared with you because in my mind its a map that describes the process beautifully.

I want to express my sincere gratitude to those wonderful men who have and still do LOVE me because as I heal my hurts, all that’s left is a heart so very FULL of the love that we once shared.

My hope is that we can ALL look back with as much love in our hearts as we do when a new love begins. Because then our choices are more likely to be based on love, not fear.

Truth be told, not all great loves are meant to last forever, some relationships are destined to end sooner rather than later. But whether the love in our hearts dies or grows stronger, is our choice and I will always choose to GROW from my experiences of love, however challenging they may be.

Maybe that’s why each NEW experience of love is something I instinctively want to OPEN up to and flow with?

Yet, even with that innate need to open, Ive still been going to war between my own head and heart lately, as the feelings of love begin to develop as the intimacy deepens.

Truth is, even as we heal our deeper hurts, our deeper fears still surface. Those dreaded WHAT IFS that take us away from fully enjoying the wonderful moments that are happening right NOW.

So, I’m here to remind myself how far I’ve come on my journey of self love and to remind YOU that we all have the ability to grow from our experiences of love, regardless if the marriage fails, the relationship ends, the lover lies, the husband cheats, the life partner gets sick, the soul mate walks away or our true love dies. Because we learn our BIGGEST lessons in love through our heart breaks.

Yup, Ive said it before and Ill say it AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN

Our heart breaks us OPEN to the love we seek from others

Those of us who have endured heart breaks have just as much to teach about love, as those who have been in relationships for 50 years.

We ALL have valuable experiences to learn from and share with each other. So that we can ALL heal and grow.

Mindful interaction ❤

She was the child who never held back,
paying no attention to who was judging her.
The young girl who expressed herself freely,
no matter how messy she got.

Tantrums and tears
Questions and curiosities
Pleasures and pains

Whatever she thought
However she felt

With no inhibitions,
she felt completely safe … to just BE

Then life grabbed a hold of her by the heart

Choking and squeezing
Restricting and limiting
Preventing and controlling

Slowly suffocating her into a state of suffering

Social expectations forcing her to conform.
Generations of cultural influences,
that kept holding her back.

Playing it small

Until the warrior within began to stir

Inviting in experiences that challenged her

Attracting what she needed to break free from the illusions

Opening up to the promise of more

The thinker began to think
The dreamer began to dream
The lover began to love
The seeker began to seek
The explorer began to explore

Tracey, you live in your own fantasy world
Tracey, you dont see things like everyone else
Tracey, you are selfish
Tracey, you expect too much
Tracey, you need to put it into the right perspective
Tracey, you need to stop thinking too much
Tracey, you need to be more realistic
Tracey, you dont need to share everything

When you hear these things over and over again.
Enough times, from enough people,
you begin to question yourself.

You start to wonder,
Whats wrong with me ?

Doubts that have fed my fears and starved my dreams

Truth is,
I DO live in my own fantasy world
I DON’T see things like everyone else
I DO expect the best from others and myself

I DON’T believe that I need to put things into perspective
Because when I put my experience into perspective,
I’m comparing my experience to others,
which prevents me from fully flowing with my own experience.

I DON’T believe that I think too much.
Because my mind is the instrument I use to process information.
And the more I open my mind and observe my thoughts,
the more productive my thinking becomes.

I DON’T believe that I need to be more realistic.
Because my reality IS different to yours.

And my sharing is a personal choice

” When you are born in a world you dont fit in,
its because you were born to help create a new one.”

Mindful interaction ❤

Universe speaks to us by sending messages on our path

We either brush them off as being nothing or we open our eyes and become more and more aware of them. I know this, yet sometimes I miss the message and so Universe gets louder, until it has my full attention.

In the last 2 weeks I’ve had 3 strange incidents with wasps

The first one was while on my walk in the woods at Headington. Somehow, I managed to wander off the guided path, which seems to be an innate skill of mine because I do it a lot. A little disorientated (as usual) I thought to myself, “I just need to wander through the field, which should lead me back onto the path”. But one third the way across the field I noticed wasps flying around, looked down to see I was walking in a field of ground dwelling wasps.

WTF I never even knew there was such a thing ?

My initial reaction was PANIC but I reminded myself that if I panicked and ran through the field screaming (like I wanted to), that I would piss them off and they might sting me. So, I told myself to CALM THE FUCK DOWN TRACEY !!!

As I walked through a field of thousands of wasps, dozens of which were buzzing around my feet and legs with each and every step. I kept thinking to myself “holy shit, how did I come to be walking through a field of fucking wasps?”

I remembered that wasps, like most animals respond to our fear, so I tried to calm myself by saying out loud

” I am not afraid, I am not afraid, I am not afraid “

Of course, I was alone in the middle of nowhere and fucking TERRIFIED !!!

I must have looked and sounded like a right twit to anyone watching, but fortunately for me, I was the only lost twit in the field. A huge sigh of relief was breathed when I finally made it out of the field ALIVE without getting stung.

Phew !!!

“Oh my lordy, the adventure got a bit too intense for this woman” I thought to myself, but holy moly what a fabulous story to share. So, when I got home, I jotted it down in my notes as being the great wasp adventure.

The second incident was a week later in the Nature Reserve across the road. I had been on one of my walks and found a nice quiet spot to sit. But when I looked up I noticed half a dozen wasps flying around my head, so quickly jumped up and thought better of sitting still in that spot.

So, two up close and personal contacts with wasps and I STILL didn’t really think anything of it, other than a frightening experience that I wanted to avoid

Until last night …

I went to bed and fortunately turned on the lamp because as I sat on the bed, I noticed a bloody great BIG wasp crawling on my pillow.

What the serious fuck ?

Not wanting to kill it but scared of being stung, I very carefully put a glass over him and carried him down stairs, letting him out of the window into the garden. My heart racing and shaking, I thought to myself

What is the wasp trying to tell me?

So, I did a little research and found this

“You should express yourself more clearly and ask for exactly what you desire”

OK … shall do

Apparently, when a wasp comes buzzing into our life we are being reminded to ACT upon our dreams, not just to think about them. To make a plan and keep working towards it and let nothing get in the way because perseverance, desire and action is how we create the life we imagine. We are being reminded to APPLY THE PASSION to the reality we want to achieve.

OK … message heard LOUD and CLEAR

I DO believe in my dreams, I even hung it on my wall remember. Was scaring the shit out of me with wasps really necessary?

Alternatively, the wasp also reminds us that resistance to change is a form of self-sabotage. Universe is reminding us that NOW is the time to believe that ALL things are possible and that you deserve to have all your dreams come true and BE the best you can be.

Well, I sure am glad I never squished the wasp

Now is when I say Dear Universe THANK YOU for the message and hopefully no more wasps will be showing up to scare the shit out of me. It does make me chuckle though because spirit knows I’m not comfortable seeing ghosts coming and going. So, instead my messages from spirit usually come from Nature.

Yes, I have a few oth

Mindful interaction ❤