Today’s writing is brought to you by my GO FUCK YOURSELF mood

If my mood and language offends you, if you think I need an attitude adjustment, if you want to tell me to shut up, sit down and stop over reacting or if you believe that I have no right to feel this way.

Then I say with complete love and devotion for ME

GO FUCK YOURSELF !!!

I am here to stand up and speak out for those of us who are fed up with being led to believe that what we need, want and expect is TOO much. For ALL those women who continue to be disrespected, devalued and disregarded by men.

I am here to remind you that YOU are worthy of LOVE ❤

The wild woman who roars her truth and the Goddess who rises in her power are well aware of their own TOO muchness.

We see how our needs, wants and expectations cause you constant discomfort and we feel the challenges and conflicts deep within our hearts.

We love YOU

Our Fathers, Our Lovers, Our Sons

But we need you to STAND in your truth and RISE so you can stand beside us

Although we accept the consequences that we must suffer, in the name of the path we have chosen and the truths that we seek. We refuse to be forced into submission by those who mindlessly seek to silence us.

I suppose the courage to share my truth is because I have nothing left to loose, and no longer want to hide from the truth of who I am

My emotions flow with less resistance and more ease because the more my heart opens, the more authentic I am in my interactions, without shame or guilt.

A change I WELCOME wholeheartedly, but its a change that still challenges me at times because there’s no more hiding from myself, even if I want to.

And believe me, sometimes I DO want to avoid myself and those uglier truths.

So, today as anger arises and I feel the rage in my belly, I choose to share it.

Ive been reflecting over the ever evolving experience of dating …

How prehistoric man selected a woman and dragged her back to his man cave, to satisfy his primal urges. Then we evolved (a little), selecting our mates based on which family had more land and live stock. Men selecting a woman who could bare him sons to carry on the family name, or a daughter who could be married off into wealth.

My favorite time in history was the courtships and wooing of poets and romantics. But alas, I reached adolescence during the 1980s and so my dating experiences can be summed up as the drunken disco daters. We were the ones hooking up after a night out on the town and snogging down the back lane (how romantic). Although love was our motivator, selecting a mate was also based on who could offer us a sense of security for our future.

Some, were a little more wiser and a lot more fortunate in their selection.

While others, like me, are still stumbling in their experiences of love.

And now we have online dating, which has opened up our opportunities to connect and meet with a variety of different people.

My experiences of dating sites has ALWAYS been insightful and valuable learning, which is probably why I decided to have another go.

So, why did I decide to go back online you may well ask ?

Well, I’m opening myself up to allow NEW male energy to flow into my life, which is something I’m more than ready for and in need of.

Being new to the area, I’m keen to meet new people and although I’m enjoying meeting new women, I miss being in the company of men. I want to sit down and have conversations with men because I value their presence, both in my life and in this world. I want to be wrapped up in the arms of men who care about me. To feel the warmth of their strong embrace because it makes me feel safe and secure. I want to feel the giddiness of those flirtatious interactions between a man and woman because I enjoy being playful. I want to fall deeply into love because I like how it tickles my senses. I want to connect, mind, body and soul with the one I choose to share my life’s journey with. And although I dont need a man, I never not want to want a man in my life because I love men.

But it hasn’t taken long to feel the frustrations of POF

Its been 3 days now and a total of 169 men want to meet me, yet only 25 of those men have been bothered to send a message. Granted, my profile isn’t as exciting as it has been in the past and I’m a lot less willing to waste precious time and energy.

But I wonder …

Does this suggest that the men are waiting to be approached by the women (or) are they just passing time swiping through the multiple pretty faces, while sitting on the couch scratching their scrotum’s ?

The men who did capture my attention seemed nice enough. So I gave them my number and we exchanged a few messages .. then it got interesting.

I was keen to learn more about the man behind profile one because we shared similar interests. Conversation was flowing and I actually found myself fantasizing about romantic strolls in the park (tragic I know). However, he decided that it was perfectly acceptable to leave the conversation abruptly, without acknowledging the question I had just asked. If the said question was a tad too bold then I may have understood, but it was

“Whats a highlight of your job?”

Although I wanted to give him a piece of my mind, especially when I noticed that he was showing up as “online” on the dating site, I didn’t. I just carried on with my evening and went to bed, deciding to give him time to respond.

Then morning came and I decided NO !!!

I wasn’t going to wait around for a response and instead I was going to let him know, that although he seemed like a nice chap, he definitely wasn’t the kind of man I wanted to get to know more. A message he promptly responded to, which annoyed me because he still hadn’t responded to the question sent 12 hours previous. When I explained that I found his behaviour to be disrespectful, his response was “well, you’re not the woman for me because you’re TOO NEEDY”

Hmmmmmm … I admit, the delivery of those words stung a little and for a brief moment I did actually question my own behaviour, in fear of being too needy. Fortunately it was only a passing thought, which was soon followed by the thought …

Damn straight I am … I not only need respect, I fucking DEMAND it !!!

So, I politely wished him well on his search and once again carried on with my day, but I was annoyed because why was it TOO much to expect respectful communication ?

Then came man behind profile number 2, who was keen to add me to Skype, telling me that he had gone off POF, before we even had a conversation (WTF?) Then half way through chatting decided that it was acceptable to abruptly end our conversation without explanation. Then a message “You seem lovely but I’m just looking for fun”

Arrghhhhhh !!!!

At this point I was a little hurt if I’m honest and for a moment felt the fear of being unworthy of the kind of love I want. Fortunately it was only a passing feeling, which was soon followed by a fire in my belly that made me FEEL the ANGER that I had only previously acknowledged.

I felt angry about the amount of men who continue to devalue women by disrespecting our feelings and how easily those we love can disregard us.

Oh yes … its a very personal as well as a collective experience we share !!!

Being the curious kind of woman I am, Ive always had a lot of interest in our experiences of love. I suppose my multiple challenges has had a lot to do with it. Struggles that often leave me wondering why some of us fall in love, marry, raise a family and grow old together. While others seem to feel challenged in relationship after relationship.

People like me, who refuse to settle and stay in relationships because its what we “should do.” Instead, driven to follow our crazy hearts towards deeper understandings about love and life. Towards experiences that bring disappointments and heartache. Experiences that are intended to break our hearts open, shatter our worlds apart and enable us to recreate ourselves. But at times its a very isolated and lonely journey and we get tired.

I know I’m not alone with my frustrations, which is why I often feel compelled to openly share my challenges in love. Because I want you to know that you are not alone in your struggles. I’m here to remind you that there are others who are opening, learning and growing in love, who are not yet in relationship with their significant other.

YOU are not alone and YOU are loved regardless of your relationship status

Mindful interaction ❤

 

 

A woman’s labia majora are those luscious outter lady lips that some call

“camel toe”

A part of the female anatomy that’s getting a little more attention of late

” The Camel Toe Cup “

Nope, its not a joke and if you’ve been keeping up with the Kardashian’s, then you’ll know all about the products available for the camel toe. But if this is the first time you’re hearing about it.

Then you’re welcome 😊 hahahaha

I admit that I was intrigued by this product when it popped up in my news feeds the other day, even more so as I read through some of the responses to it. To be honest I was a little concerned by the “its disgusting” comments by other women and wondered …

Did it suggest a belief that larger labia lips were gross or was it related to a belief that enhancing this particular body part was considered to be socially unacceptable.

Then I got to thinking about other female body parts that women enhance

The cleavage is probably one of the most sensual and sexual aspects of a woman, which has been enhanced and appreciated for centuries. Yet flash a bit of nipple and people start to get excited and uncomfortable.

Of course, context is everything, but there are conflicting opinions about breast exposure.

I tend to believe that its totally acceptable to see a woman baring her breasts while bathing on the beach and perfectly natural when a Mother is feeding her hungry baby. However, admit that I would feel a tad uncomfortable seeing a topless woman walking through a supermarket, which makes me wonder that perhaps the camel toe enhancer may have its place ?

What if we decided to rock the body we are in NOW no matter how big or small ?

What if we decided to love and care for our bodies instead of judging it ?

What if we ALL looked in the mirror and liked what we seen ?

Call me a radical but what if we stopped judging others based on what the fuck they look like or what the fuck they wear and focus more on WHO they are ?

 Mindful Interaction ❤

Hungry for truth,
I seek those willing to bare their delicious souls.
A longing to hear words that fall from open hearts.
Words that tickle my own truths.
Yearning for conversation that stimulates my mind,
as I fall deeper and deeper into my consciousness.

Although I’m grateful for daily niceties and positivity,
share with me how you dance with your shadow.
Although I appreciate the funnies that tickle my funny bone,
share with me how you keep your tender heart open to love.

Dare we drop the masks that we hide behind,
and talk about our deepest hurts and darkest fears ?
Dare we start conversations that matter,
to deepen our understandings of life and love ?

Although I believe that both life and love is unfolding just as it should,
Sometimes I struggle with the consequences of my choices.
But during those times its pointless wondering why,
because my mind doesn’t yet have the answers.

All I can do is rise up to the challenge,
feel my way through the struggle.
Trust my heart knows the way and grow from the experience.

Mindful interaction ❤

I fear confronting that what I already know almost as much as I fear seeing that what I don’t want to see.

But as my fears rumbled in the dark, spirit whispered into my ear.
“The truth has always been known, but your heart needed to realize it”.

Although the truth was delivered with love, the voices made me feel uneasy as the shadows began to lean in closer.

Unable to run and hide, I confronted my fear and consoled my hopeful heart

The truth gutted me because I loved him with both heart and soul

But no matter how much I was willing to give, I could never give him what he truly needed

Not before, not now and perhaps never

My heart refused to believe it until I had exhausted every possible option

Unable to bare the what ifs rolling around in my mind forever

Whether we loved each other had never been the question because its love that kept pulling us back together again and again. But its a love that never seemed to flow in the way we had hoped, nor in the way we had imagined.

A connection that didn’t seem to make any sense

Cruel to tempt us with such possibilities if not promised to be

So I asked

Why did fear keep holding us back from each other?

Was this a soul contract?

Have we been dancing with Karma?

I wondered

What if this is how it was always meant to be?

What if the purpose was to liberate us both from the fantasy?

What if we needed to be released from the past so we can create a better future?

Will I be a better woman for healing my wounds and surrendering to that what calls me and will he be a better man for letting me go and accepting the life that he has chosen?

I still don’t have all the answers and perhaps I never will

But of one thing I am certain

When things don’t go to plan, our mind will try to convince us that it was all wrong, while our hearts will forever and always remind us that love is always right.

An inner conflict rich with insight

Even though the love may be true, the stories we often tell ourselves can be the very lies that we comfort our hurting hearts with, which continues to feed our hungry fears.

So, here I am

No longer the story waiting to be written

A soul no longer tortured because Ive been liberated from my fear

I hold the pen between my trembling fingertips and begin to write my own story

Forever hopeful for the fairy tale but refusing to live in a fantasy

Because I will forever and always believe that love has the power to transform us into something more

Mindful interaction ❤

Like you,
I’m not always full of positive vibes and smiles.

My eyes don’t always see the beauty and so my heart struggles to flow with love.

Sometimes my mood turns towards the darker shades of my personality.

Where my thoughts become distorted,
and my heart drifts away to alternate realities.

To the place where my actions are sinfully disgraceful and my behaviour blissfully immoral.

Where the shadiest parts of my soul continue to tempt me towards the darker side.

To the place where all my wrongs are righteous and my mistakes are celebrated.

Part of my character that holds the complete truth and nothing but the ugly truth.

Once upon a time, the darker shades of myself brought nothing but shame and suffering.

But the more of me I share, the more I liberate myself from all that I am most afraid of.

For beauty lies in our ability to dance naked as we burn in the passions of who we really are.

Fearless in our pursuit for the kind of love that liberates us from ourselves

Mindful interaction ❤

We only need switch on the TV or turn on our computer to see the evidence of how much FEAR is vibrating in our world. Fear that gives energy to the kind of anger that motivates hate, which causes suffering for all of us.

YES … it concerns me to know that people are hating on Muslims

YES … it concerns me to know that people are angry about the state of our world

YES … it concerns me to know that people are feeding their fears

But, fear doesn’t only lead to hate, it also leads to HURT, which is the biggest cause of our suffering. Something that motivates me to dig deeper and explore further because like you, I have hurts in need of healing. And I’m willing to do anything I can to make sure I live a life motivated by love, so that future generations can live in a world with less fear. Because like you, I want my children’s children to live in a world with more LOVE ❤

I keep talking about how our hurts are often attached to our fears, and how confronting them is the only way we over come them.

So, HOW do we do this you may well ask ?

For me, the more self-aware I’m becoming, the more I recognize the discomfort arising whenever a fear begins to surface. However, because our fears are generally attached to a heart hurt, we not only begin to feel anxious about the experience we are having now, but we will most likely be pulled back into painful past memories. To a time when something happened that caused us physical, emotional, psychological or spiritual pain and suffering.

Hence the importance of flowing completely with our experiences as they occur.

Because when we dont fully feel, process, learn and grow from a painful experience, then we will continue to attract the same experience into our lives. Repeating the same patterns and going through the same old cycles until we do fully feel, process, learn and grow from it. Then and only then will we be ready to LET GO and move forward.

But it’s important to note that our fears serve a very important purpose, to guide and protect us. Most of our fears are created by our minds to make sure that whatever has hurt us in the past doesn’t happen again, or to make sure something that may hurt us, wont.

However, this process isn’t always logical because sometimes our fear is guiding us towards the very thing that’s preventing us from moving forwards. And sometimes our fear is irrational and can be the very thing that keeps holding us back in a state of constant suffering.

Our mind will always try to convince us that whatever we are doing is the right thing for us to do, which of course, isn’t always true.

Hence the importance of not always believing everything we think.

Truth is, when we believe everything we think then our heart is forced to step in. The voice of our heart will get louder and louder until we are eventually forced to listen and pay closer attention to our truth. But when we choose to ignore this internal conflict then our hurts transform into much deeper wounds, which continues to feed our fear.

Indeed, our brains are magnificent creations, but it helps me to remember that my mind is like a computer, which requires the same kind of management. Just like a computer, it needs to constantly upgrade the software, because new experiences continue to change how we think. Updates to the “system” ensures that we are not running on any outdated belief systems that are no longer serving us. And just like a computer, it needs to run frequent spy ware and antivirus protection. To ensure there are no irrational thoughts feeding those hungry fears.

Hence the importance of understanding how our own mind works.

In the past, as my fears began to surface I would typically respond to the feeling of discomfort in the same typical way. Firstly, I would usually start chewing on my finger nails as my anxiety increased. Soon followed by seeking out mood altering substances to relieve my feelings of stress (cigarettes, booze, food or sex). Once feeling a little calmer, I would then look for someone to talk to because I struggled to sit with my fears alone.

Hence the importance of exploring our unhealthy “bad” habits.

So, what has changed for me ?

Fuck loads !!!

Now, even if I haven’t recognized the fear, I am aware of my behavioural change. I notice myself chewing on my fingernails, which is the first prompt to STOP and pay attention to what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling. At this point how I respond will depend on how irrational the fear or how deep the heart wound.

Although I successfully kicked the smoking habit, have less need to escape reality, so drink less booze and am learning to love and respect myself more, so having less sex out of relationship, I do still seek comfort in food. Even more so now that I’m not smoking cigarettes, drinking booze and having sex.

Arrghhhhhhh !!!

This has brought up those deeper heart wounds, which has required some serious attention as I noticed myself repeating the same old patterns in love.

The biggest change in my life has been my desire to pull back from others during these times, which is largely related to my need to trust and allow myself to fully feel, process, learn and grow from the experience.

This has had the biggest impact on my life and is changing how I think, feel and experience both fear and hurt. Because the truth is fear leads us towards our own darkest side.

Mindful interaction ❤

No matter what,
just keep on …

Shining in your beauty,
roaring in your anger,
howling in your madness,
burning in your passions and
rising in your power.

Because you are the wild ones,
women of contradiction.

Dancing between the extremes,
of your polarities,
while exploring the grey areas of life.

You are the truth seekers,
the dream chasers,
the magic makers,
the fairy whispers,
the moon worshippers,
the potion mixers,
the star gazers,
the heart healers.

You are the ones
bathing under the moonlight,
sparkling in the sunlight,
dancing with your shadows,
and standing in your storms.

You are the ones
walking barefoot,
diving into oceans,
climbing mountains,
and chasing rainbows.

Learning to balance inbetween worlds,
as you create new realities.

You are the ones
refusing to settle,
seeking an extraordinary love.

Releasing unhealthy attachments,
and deepening your connections.

No longer willing to fall,
because you are RISING in love.

Mindful interaction ❤

What is fear ?

“An unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain or harm”

I began delving into my fears when I started looking deeper into my bad habits

As I explored why I bit my nails, smoked cigarettes, over indulged in alcohol, comforted myself with food and had sex with men who didn’t love me, I eventually realized that at the core of my unhealthy behaviour was either hurt or fear, and usually both.

Explorations that continued to take me deeper and deeper into myself

First making me more self aware, which at times was frustrating as fuck because there’s nothing worse than knowing why you’re doing something that isn’t good for you. It sucks the enjoyment right out of it, raising all those feelings of shame, guilt and self loathing.

Its true, the more you look, the more you find, which is usually why we stop looking. But what if we keep looking ?

Well, that’s exactly what I did and it made all the difference

Its why I’m here doing what I’m doing, going where I’m going

But not without the presence of fear

Last night as I lay in bed, listening to the strange noises stirring through the house, my fear began to rumble. But instead of freezing or fleeing by either hiding under my blanket or staying where I was with the light on, I faced it. I wandered down stairs and explored the house, confronting what I was afraid of. That there was something or someone lurking in a dark corner, waiting for an opportunity to frighten or harm me.

Feeling very brave I was, but I still slept with the lamp on 😊 hahaha

Because I’m far from being the fearless warrior woman that I like to believe that I am. Most of the time I’m freaking the fuck out before I decide to confront whatever it is that I am afraid of. But I do it anyways.

I guess that IS courage

I do believe that our greatest fears are our biggest opportunities for growth

A belief that’s been the biggest game changer, which is altering my experiences in new and profound ways. Because the more fears I confront and the more hurts I heal, the more my reality begins to change.

😊😊😊 Exciting hey 😊😊😊

The thing is, we dont attract our hearts desire, create our dreams or live the life we imagine without fear. Quite the contrary. Our fears actually lead the way forward because whatever it is we are most afraid of, is the very same thing that will lead us towards our success.

If this is so, then why are we afraid of fear ?

Because that is the story we have been told and the very same story we keep telling ourselves

But what if we have the ability to change the story ?

So lets take a closer look at fear

It stems from our innate need to survive

To stay away from those things that could hurt us: falling from great heights, drowning in rough seas or getting bitten or eaten by dangerous creatures.

But as our world has progressed, so have our fears

If we take a closer look at our fears, we will find that many of them are irrational and stand in the way of our progress. Holding us back, keeping us stuck in the same realities, repeating the same patterns of behaviour and experiencing the same cycles of uncomfortable emotions, that continues to provoke our bad habits.

Hmmmmmm she ponders

The reality of fear is …

We dont really fear the dark, we are afraid of what we cannot see

We dont really fear heights, we are afraid of falling

We dont really fear people, we are afraid to trust

We dont really fear falling in love, we are afraid of not being loved back

We dont really fear letting go, we are afraid to accept the reality of what is

We dont really fear the risk, we are afraid of failing

The deeper we look into our fear, the more we see how they reflect how we are thinking, feeling and are experiencing life. When our thinking is motivated by fear we start thinking that the world is a dangerous place, people are not to be trusted and our safety is under threat, which impacts not only on our own experiences, but also influences every other person we come into contact with. Thinking that causes more heart hurts and creates deeper wounds for everyone.

So, ask yourself …

Are you feeding fear or are you sharing love ?

What am I afraid of ?
What am I holding onto ?
What am I scared of loosing ?
What would I do if I wasn’t afraid ?

Accepting that fear lives with us just as much as love, is a challenging concept to grasp. We usually avoid what ever it is we are most afraid of and we certainly wouldn’t want to openly share our fears with other people.

Why  ?

Because it exposes our vulnerabilities and our weaknesses

Something we ALL have, yet we all hide behind masks, avoiding the truth of who we really are, which is beautiful complex creatures full of wonderful contradictions. Ravishing creations of both positive and negative, light and dark, masculine and feminine.

Each one of us learning how to balance our polarities, maintain healthy relationships, live a meaningful life and love those who matter most to us.

Mindful interaction ❤

“The first step to solving any problem is first acknowledging that there is one”.

We are witnessing an increase in tensions and conflicts that are creating chaos because a NEED FOR CHANGE is upon us.

I think its safe to say that we all agree that things need to change in our world. And if we’re paying close attention, then we are feeling the shifts happening within and around us.

But ask yourself …

Are you adding to the problem?
Or are you part of the solution?

Whether it be about ourselves, our relationships, our communities or the world at large. It’s got very little to do with which political party we support. Because when shit comes to shove, it all comes down to this …

Are you feeding the fear?
Are you stroking ego?
Are you opening your heart?
Are you choosing love?
Are you pointing fingers?
Are you blaming others?
Are you taking responsibility?
Are you diving deeper into yourself?

The truth is, if we want to change the world then we must first be willing to change ourselves 😊

Mindfulinteraction ❤

Sometimes I not only embrace the solitude,
I crave it.
While other times its endured.
Feeling the need to reach out,
because I struggle with being alone.
Yet compelled to pull back,
deeper into myself.
And I wonder,
Why the fuck must I travel this journey alone,
while others share life with their others?
Love forever guides me,
yet never lingers long enough to grow.
Why does my path twist & turn in roundabouts,
while others seem to know the way home?
Deeper truths discovered,
but I’m forever spiralling down.
Into an abyss of ever expanding spaces,
that seek experiences to keep filling the gaps.
But I wonder,
Am I destined to be forever the lone wolf lover,
or am I fated to live life with my other?
The passion within me keeps rising,
relentless in its need for release.
Yet here I am,
alone with my desires.
What the fuck am I to do with this fire,
that keeps burning deep inside of me?
I fear the flame may become a raging inferno,
and cause mass destruction to all in its path.
What if it all burns down in a blaze of glory?
The Goddess tells us to RISE UP and SHINE !!!
But what if we stand too tall,
and burn to brightly?
Hush now,
say the whisperings of my soul.
Listen to the silence

Mindful interaction ❤