Life continues to be one hell of a ride !!

One minute its a great adventure full of wonderfuls and the next I’m feeling challenged, tested and pushed to my limits. The last few days have been rough, so yesterday I reflected and today I write. It’s a long read but only those interested will read it anyways. Hence why I decided to blog and share it …

I’ve had that restless feeling and a strong pull back to the UK for many years. It’s a calling that’s been difficult to ignore, yet I resisted it for years.

I kept saying to myself …

I can’t leave my family to chase my dreams. I can’t take my kids with me unless I can support us all. I can’t abandon my kids because I’m their Mum. I can’t miss precious time with my loved ones. I can’t have the kinda life I imagine unless I let go of so much. I can’t let go of those things. I can’t risk loosing everything I hold most dear. I can’t put my own needs first. I can’t be selfish. I can’t do it on my own because I’m not strong enough. I can’t do it now because now isn’t the right time. I can’t do it unless I have enough money to do it. I can’t do it until my kids are properly settled. I can’t do it now that Dad is sick. I can’t leave my family during the challenges that are ahead of us.

Truth is, we can always find plenty of reasons why we can’t do something. But most of our can’ts are usually attached to fear. Therefore my greatest challenge is learning how to make choices from a place of LOVE ❤

For several years now, life keeps challenging me to SURRENDER. To let go of whatever’s holding me back, to trust in the process of change and to BELIEVE in myself and my wildest dreams.

Sounds easy enough …. right ?

NO !!!

“One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go”
( Mareez Reyes )

The process of letting go is an ongoing battle within myself. I notice that whenever I’m resisting the flow, I experience an inner conflict that causes tensions, until I’m finally ready for the sweet RELEASE of letting go.

In 2016, I surrendered to the call to create more freedom in my life. Over the year, I prepared myself for the change. Lots of conversations were had with my family and friends, I applied for a job as a contracted live in carer, I gave away everything that I owned, I moved out of my flat and I took a giant leap of faith. I went to the UK with only my final pay check in the bank and hoped that it would all work out OK, which it did.

I was in a long term contract, doing the kind of work I’ve imagined doing for years. I was valued and gaining a deeper sense of satisfaction from my work. I was inspired to write and felt closer to my wildest dreams. Money flowed easier and I was able to give and gift without the usual financial pressures. I fell in love and I was living an adventerous life full of new experiences and challenges, that I was thriving from.

But then life hit us with an unexpected curve ball and my heart was broken open yet AGAIN, but this time the world as I knew it was totally shattered !!!

Dad’s cancer diagnosis and challenges were hard enough, but Mam’s diagnosis and death continues to challenge me. In my grief I lost all sense of my own direction in life. When I was back in Australia with my family, the pull back to the UK was still strong, but my fear and doubts were getting louder.

I was saying to myself …

I can’t do it now Mam has died. I can’t leave Dad while he’s grieving and still on his own cancer journey. I can’t leave my kids because I shouldn’t leave them. I can’t leave my sisters with the responsibility of supporting Dad without me. I can’t still pursue my dreams during this nightmare. I can’t follow my heart while its broken. I can’t trust my choices while I’m grieving. I can’t have the life I imagine because I don’t deserve to have it. I can’t achieve my stupid dreams.

My internal tensions and conflict soon manifested externally, which threw me into a state of frustration. I had a strong urge to RUN !!! So, I ran away to my ex hubby’s vacant bloke of land, seeking solitude. I needed time and space in Nature to connect with Universe and hear the whisperings of my own soul. It was there, I challenged my can’ts and confronted the fears feeding my demons and poking my wounds. When I returned, I had conversations with family and friends. Contemplated my options and made the choice to take a deep breath and leap into the unknown yet AGAIN !!!

The first few weeks back in the UK were a total shit storm. In all honesty, if Universe hadn’t blessed me with the support that I needed and if I didn’t have the inner strength that I have, I could have easily made some very bad choices in my state of despair, and not be here to share with you today. In reflection, this is a frightening thought, but the ugly truth none the less.

This is MY healing and the journey back to my authentic self, which isn’t always rainbows and sunshine.

Since November 2016, I haven’t had my own place. I’ve been drifting through life with a very different sense of purpose. To stay OPEN and SURRENDER to the flow of service for the greater good.

I don’t always know why and sometimes, nothing about my life seems my own, yet I’ve never felt more like myself, which is just another example of a beautiful complex contradiction, that is ME.

I love my work here in the UK and the opportunities it provides, but the challenges can’t always be openly shared. For me, that’s the most challenging aspect of the job. Come to think of it, most of my challenges aren’t openly shared as they flow, because I’m mindful of other people. Hence why, at times I can feel quite alone when I’m feeling the most challenged.

Over the last few days, triggers have reminded me about the reality of what IS. Challenges and conversations brought lingering fears and hurts to the surface. And waves of despair brought me to tears on several occasions.

Overwhelmed by emotions …

SADNESS because I miss having my Mam to talk to. ANGER because as some are ready and want to die, others are taken far too soon. CONCERN because Dad’s cancer is active. FEAR of what’s to come. DOUBT in myself and my choices. GUILT because I’m not with my family. SHAME because I’m not always who I want to be. PANIC because I don’t always know what’s going to happen next.

I was hit with the sudden realizion that going with the flow, means there is no real certainty about the future. An acknowledgment that the deeper I dive, the darker it can get. Sometimes, I feel like I’m wading in the depths of the unknown and I’m afraid of what’s yet to come or what might never happen. I’m often smacked in the face with my fear like that. Other times fear sneaks up on me or lurks in the shadows of my mind.

Some deep inner work is in progress.

You see, I don’t just slay my demons when they show up, I dissect them to find out what fears they’ve been feeding on. Because I don’t want those fuckers coming back to torment me. I now understand that my darker side isn’t to be banished, but acknowledged. I believe my shadow is the unknown aspects of my consciousness, that wants to be known. So I’m learning how to embrace the darkness, by shining my own light on it.

Dont wait for the light at the end of the tunnel, walk down it and light up the bloody thing yourself. Because WE truly are the light 🌟 and love ❤ we seek

I read these words yesterday …

“Leaving convention to take up the quest for greater meaning, taking the leap ‘leaving the old paradigm of work’ that being working for money (prostitution) rather than doing what they love (sacred service)” (Tanishka).

This, and a conversation I had with my sister reminded me, that I am here to do what my soul needs to do and that’s all I really need to know.

Since being back here in the UK, synchronicites are a plenty and opportunities have been presenting themselves. That in itself reassures me that I’m on the right track.

I also understand that my life is an accumulation of my choices. Therefore my choices determine my direction. So, I’ll just keep being the love ❤ and share my kinda magic with the world 🌟

Something to tickle the funny bone, but in all seriousness. Do you take the time to make love with yourself (or) are you relying on your partner to satisfy your desires ? Do you enjoy loving your own body (or) do you feel shame or sadness when you pleasure yourself ?

Has orgasm ever brought you to tears ?
Is orgasm out of your reach ?
Do you orgasm too quickly
Have you ever wondered why ?

I love these kinda questions because I support SELF LOVE on all levels, but I haven’t talked about mindful masturbation in a while.

In all honesty, it was the last thing on my mind during our family ordeal. There was either little interest or opportunity to mindfully focus on pleasure, which consequently had a dramatic impact upon my usually active libido.

Something I struggled with at times because as strange as it may sound to some, I grieved the loss of my sex drive. But, ironically, it was during the drought, I learned to distinguish the difference between sexual and sacred energy.

Mindful masturbation is all about the intention behind the practice. Like sex, we are either indulging with intent to relieve our tensions (or) we are opening up to experience the love ❤

I often fiddle with purpose 🤣🤣🤣

Masturbating mindfully focuses my attention on the energy flow within my body.

During orgasm I notice where energy flows and circulates, which helps me to identify any chakras that are blocked. I notice how energy vibrates, pulsates and flows throughout my body. I notice when I’m in a self loving space, my body opens and the energy flows freely through all my chakra centres.

It’s only then, I experience kundalini energy.

“According to Tantra, kundalini energy rests like a coiled serpent at the base of the spine. When this dormant energy flows freely upward through the seven chakras and leads to an expanded state of consciousness, it’s known as a kundalini awakening”

It’s my understanding, that this is the sacred energy that taps into the divine flow, enabling us to co-create our kinda magic with Universe.

And THAT’S what I want to experience 🌟

I’m ordering and look forward to reading what wisdom Sophie shares. Because Mam’s death has been my biggest life shock for sure 💔

Sophie shares her story about her own cancer journey, in her first book ‘The Cancer Whisperer’

Having had both our parents diagnosed with “incurable cancer,” within 9 months of each other, I believe it was no coincidence that this book popped up in my facebook news feeds last year … it was divine timing.

I resonated with what she wrote, so I shared her book with my family, but it wasn’t their cup of tea. We think differently about dis-ease and me being me, I’m always open and keen to learn from my most challenging experiences.

But embracing cancer as a teacher, isn’t for everyone. Because the cancer experience can be and IS brutal. For many (my Mam included), it’s something to be fought and not accepted.

For me, this has been a HUGE inner conflict !!!

How can you possibly feel comfortable about accepting your parent’s cancer diagnosis ?

How can you possibly feel comfortable about accepting your beloved Mother’s death ?

NOTHING about it is comfortable !!!

Acceptance comes only after the resistance …

I often share words of wisdoms that I believe as truth, but words can only be truly felt after having lived the experience for ourselves.

We fight to hold on and we fight to let go 💔

Understanding my inner conflicts is why I dive into myself so deeply. I share my experiences so openly because I know I’m not alone in my struggles. I’m still actively processing, feeling and healing from Mam’s death, and as a family we still confront Dad’s cancer journey. So my sharings aren’t always so honest and open. I’m mindful that my sharings can cause others discomfort, so I don’t always publicly share.

Some days are harder than others 💔

To some, my life appears to be a wonderful adventure, which it IS 😊 but it’s not without it’s challenges. As I walk a road less travelled, my path unfolds according to the choices I make.

So, can you learn to love life shocks ?

Hmmmmm …

I believe we can learn to appreciate the lesson but I’m not entirely convinced I can learn to love the shocks that life delivers us 🤔

I am looking forward to the insights in this book tho, because I’m open to think differently about things, if it serves my greater good.

If anyone else has read her first book or are intersted in reading this one, I’m keen to hear your thoughts about what she shares ❤

I had a message in my inbox this morning from my daughter. She was feeling sick and needed Mumma hugs. Not being able to reach out and embrace her in my arms when she needs it, is something that causes me great discomfort.

As Mothers, we are supposed to be there …

(or) are we ? ? ?

What if our absence is just as important as our presence ? What if we become more aware of our Mother’s presence when she’s absent from our life ? What if we become more aware of ourselves and more present in our own lives ?

I suppose it sounds like I’m talking in riddles and perhaps my words appear foolish ? Maybe grief has distorted my perceptions or perhaps I’m beginning to see clearer than ever before ?

As a Daughter, I feel the loss of my Mother and as a Mother, I can appreciate how my Daughter feels. So, you may wonder, why then am I here?

It’s a question, I often ask myself and answers I don’t always have. It’s just a knowing that it’s somewhere I must be and something I must do

Our paths don’t always make sense to us

Maybe that’s because the answers can only be discovered, if we’re willing to take the journey?

Perhaps flowing with life and drifting between worlds is how the story unfolds?

Maybe this is MY own healing journey?

Perhaps that’s the magic I’m here to share?

Hmmmmmmmm 🤔

One thing I am certain of, is that time and distance is irrelevant when it comes to love ❤

I was the curious and confident kid. The one who didn’t give a rats arse what people thought of me. There was an openess about me that not everyone was comfortable with. I was told that I challenged people, just by being myself.

Apparently, I had no shame !!!

Hmmmmm 🤔

Funny how life experiences then shook my confidence and introduced me to shame. I suppose its of no great surprise that my path then led me down roads, that challenged me.

The very same challenges that reignited my curiosities and slowly rebuilt my confidence.

The journey back to myself hasn’t been easy, but it’s a journey that continues to teach me so much. The more bullshit I peel away, the less shame and guilt I feel about sharing who I am.

My family often laugh at me because when we recall memories from the past, my perception is often very different to theirs. They joke about how I’ve lived a very different reality to them.

In truth, I have and still DO 😊

My recollections of the past are based on what experiences were considered meaningful for me. And its those differences that continue to guide me towards my own life purpose.

The moral of this story is to celebrate whatever makes YOU different and share that magic with the world 🌟

According to the star gazers, this upcoming full moon is in Scorpio, which represents death, rebirth and unconditional love. Plus, for the first time in 20 years, Beltane is falling on a full moon. Beltane marks the beginning of Summer and is a time when the veil between worlds is thin.

So, this full moon is a good time for healing and communications with spirit will be so much clearer.

TRANSFORMATIONAL juicy goodness

Oh, how I love the energy of full moon because it’s the best time to get rid of whatever’s holding us back. This could be anything, from a thought, a belief, an emotion, a habit, a job, a person, a place, a circumstance or a situation.

So, pay close attention to what insights, thoughts and feelings are surfacing because NOW is the time to RELEASE and LET GO of what no longer serves us.

Ask yourself the tough questions …

What am I holding onto ?

What uncomfortable thoughts and feelings are coming up for me ?

What do I need to release, so that I can feel unconditional love within myself ?

We keep being asked to dig DEEPER, to peel back the layers and reach the core of our being … towards LOVE ❤

Loving, even though we’ve been hurt
Loving, even though we have lost
Loving, even though we witness heartache and destruction

Truth be told, I can tick ALL of the above

Universe continues to challenge me to sit with and ACCEPT the uncomfortable aspects of my reality. But the loss, the fear, the grief, the hurt, the unknown and the wounds are all opportunities to rise above our fear and choose love.

This IS the sweetest SURRENDER to the flow of life, in all its beauty and tragedy.

This full moon can help us to transcend our greatest fears, heal our deepest wounds and support us to achieve our wildest dreams.

Full moon in Scorpio wants us to ACCEPT the uncomfortable parts of ourselves. To face our fears and anxieties, so that we can transcend them

Its asking …

Are YOU ready to co-create with Universe ?

This is the time I love to evoke and feel the Dark Goddess energy of Kali. She is the powerful force that clears our path.

Kali is the Hindu Goddess of destruction.

But don’t be fooled by her warrior like appearance, nor fear her presence when she shows up because she flows with the fiercer forms of grace, coming to liberate us from our inner demons (ego).

I’ve experienced her energy before and it’s intense. Like Lilith, she is primal and relentless in her pursuit for truth. When I feel this energy rising within me, I’m intuitively drawn to the sound of tribal drums and a need to dance.

Whenever I flow with this energy, I’ve had some extraordinary experiences. It was how mindful masturbation first emerged, which I now understand to be a Kundalini awakening.

It’s an intense energy flow that I’m yet to fully experience within relationship with another, but I’m forever hopeful.

Kali symbolizes the death of ego as we strive towards spiritual enlightenment. She is anger, she is fierce, she is wild and she is fucking powerful. Everything we’ve been taught the feminine is not. These are considered to be the shadow aspects of woman, that we’ve been taught to fear, deny, reject and ignore.

If we’ve been buying into the old stories that a relationship with another completes us, then it’s no wonder we feel incomplete. The truth is, both men and women are realizing the need to balance their own inner masculine and feminine energies, to become whole.

Perhaps this is why more of us are yearning for something more from relationships. We want to come together in sacred union, with a divine purpose that serves our greater good on the spiritual path to enlightenment.

Kali comes to break us free from conditioned roles and those limiting stories, that hold us back from experiencing our truest potential.

I’m learning, as we peel back the layers, parts of us must die, so another aspect of self can be reborn. Suddenly, death takes on a complete new meaning and serves a completely different purpose.

I believe, that as beings of light and energy, we do not die, we transcend.

I wonder …

What if in death, we transcend into love in its purest form ?

What if we embraced this transition more than grieved over it ?

This full moon …

Why not dive deeper into your psyche and discover your own kinda magic 🌟

I’m always blown away whenever I feel the flow of Universal energy moving through me.

Yesterday, there was alot of energy flowing, which made me feel both anxious and excited. It’s an energy that brings any lingering fears up to the surface to be looked at, which I did. I was guided to ground my emotional self and get my body moving, which helped. My writing and the contracts haven’t flowed as easily while Mercury was in retrograde.

Mercury is the planet that influences our mind, which is why it influences our direction when it’s in motion. When a planet is in retrograde it has the same effect on us. We can feel stuck because we’re being directed inwards, to clarify our direction. It’s a good time to explore our inner most thoughts, feelings, desires and dreams.

When Mercury is in retrograde, it’s not a good time to sign contracts or make commitments. Perhaps that’s why the contracts fell through  and the words for my story weren’t flowing ?

I believe, understanding how Universe flows, is essential to better understanding our own flow.

Today, the energy has shifted !!!

Realizations and ideas have all been written down and the story and my direction is clearer.

When Mercury is in retrograde we can feel like we’re in a deep rest. Often labelled as a state of depression, but what if this is a neccesssary dream time, where we come to deeper understandings and higher perspectives ?

When Mercury goes direct it’s like waking up from a deep sleep. If we’ve explored our inner world, then we hopefully have a clearer vision.

Mercury and my mind has its mojo back

This NEW MOON in Aries is all about NEW beginnings, BIG changes, growth and expansion. Mercury going direct has the energy we need to move our plans and ideas forward.

It’s asking us …

What will you risk to get what you want ?

I’ll be honest, my first thought to this question was WTF else can I release and let go of ?

A thought that brought anger to the surface because I’m here, risking it ALL. Then I cried, as I thought about my family in Australia and Mam in spirit. But then my perspective shifted.

PRIDE and HUMILITY came to mind, as I reflected over recent experiences. Learning how to recieve support and be more humble.

The more I wrote, the more I discovered that my choices are often considered to be risky and daring. That my discomfort is a natural response to being out of my zones of comfort.

Taking those leaps of faith is what makes the difference between living an ordinary life and living an extraordinary life. So, I ask again …

What am I willing to risk to get what I want ?

I am willing to risk FAILURE !!!

Strip me bare of my labels
and let me just BE
I am so much more than being
someones mother, daughter or wife
My roles and responsibilities
do not define who I am
Those experiences only shape
the woman I become
I am neither constant
nor consistent in my being
For I am forever changing
My heart beats to the rhythm
of Universe
I am a force of Nature
Just as the constellations shift
and the planets are in constant motion
So am I
Just as the tides turn and the oceans
flow with the energy of the moon
So do I
My moods are as unpredictable
as the weather
and my cycles change with the seasons
Life inspires me
and love sustains me
I am the kind of magic
you’re soul yearns for
I AM woman ❤

When I arrived here, there was mail waiting for me and another unexpected surprise. I posted these pay it forward keys to my sons when I was last in the UK. But the address was wrong and I thought the package was lost forever.

Today, I’m reminded …. BELIEVE !!!

But in what ? ? ?

Well, walking a road less travelled and going with the flow isn’t without it’s challenges, but I believe that those challenges are opportunities for us to experiment and explore with new ways of being and doing.

When I opened up my emails and seen the messages from care managers, I assumed it would be client details. Instead, they were apologizing for those contracts falling through.

I’ll admit, my initial reaction was “shit, bugger, fuck.” Because I’ve been back in the UK for over a month and only had a weeks work. So, I’ve spent more than earned, which isn’t my plan !!!

Hence why these days I’m borrowing the term “sketch” instead of plan. Because learning how to be more flexible on a flowing path is essential to the flow, which makes sense.

I’ve contemplated looking for other work and spoken to other carers about private care. But I choose to stay with OA because I want the security and need the support they provide.

Fortunately, they understand and appreciate my concerns. I’ve been offered a weekly retainer to help with costs, and I’ll be on call incase emergency relief care is needed, until a long term contract comes my way.

My colleague and dear friend was here when I opened up the email, who reminded me that these contracts have fallen through because a much better contract is on its way. I love how she thinks. I also love how she reassured me that as my friend, she has a room if needed.

But her reassurance didn’t seem to stop those nagging anxieties from surfacing. So, I did what I do best and picked up my pen and asked myself the right questions …

What am I worried about ?
What am I afraid of ?

I’m worried about running out of money.
I’m afraid of flowing on this path and failing.
I’m worried about making the wrong choice.
I’m afraid of not achieving my bigger dreams.

Rational worries and fears ?

Perhaps, but those thoughts limit me more than serve me. So, I acknowledge the limiting beliefs driving the thoughts and that’s how I feel less anxious and change my experience.

Today, I’m reminded to BELIEVE that we are supported on our paths, and I’m sharing this story with you because someone else may benefit from this message.

Paying it forward ❤

Life was totally amazing, then it was fucking awful and there’s been plenty of ordinary moments inbetween. But after everything I’ve been through, YES I still believe in magic 🌟

As I wandered down Woodstock road towards the centre of Oxford, I felt the familiar sense of contentment, knowing I am walking MY path.

Within the space of 5 minutes I seen 3 white feathers. The first caught my eye as it blew across the road to the left of me. The second blew infront of my feet and the third blew down from a tree, dancing in the breeze.

I believe it was a reminder from spirit, that I am supported on the road less travelled. Universe keeps showing me the magic of connection.

Strangers touch my life in ways that strengthen my believe, that this truly is a wonderful world.

Truth is, some of us aren’t meant to stay in one place, but not all who wander are lost. For now, I flow wherever the path wants to take me.

I am a seeker and an explorer, so I thrive from new experiences. Maybe my soul is destined to wander because the journey is my gift to you ?