Sometimes the flow doesn’t take us on a horizontal path. Sometimes its a veritcal descent into our shadow. I understand these to be our personal storms, but they have a collective purpose.

My horizontal flow has been disrupted, and I’ve been flowing vertically for what feels like most of the year.

Grief has taken me on one hell of a ride !!!

When Dad died, I couldn’t just “get on” with life because I didn’t have anything or anyone to go back to. My relationship had ended before I left the UK, and I didn’t want to care for anyone’s end of life anymore. I didn’t want to care at all.

It was just me and my shattered dreams.

So, I choose to honour my truth, to privelage my process, to dive into the depths of myself, to sit with my discomforts and to figure shit out.

For the last 3 years, I’ve flown to the UK (3) times and returned to Australia (3) times. While in Australia, I lost (3) people I love. While in the UK, I had (3) meaningful love connections.

The significance of (3) cannot be denied.

“3 is the number of the Trinity and an auspicious sign for anyone, especially for light workers and those involved with spiritual development.”

Hmmmmmm 🤔

I’ve been noticing angel numbers more frequently for weeks now. Although I’m aware this is one of the many ways spirit connects, I’ve been feeling a sense of awareness that’s just out of my reach.

What am I missing ?

“Angel numbers are communications from our guides intended to provide us with the guidance and encouragement needed to achieve our aims.”

Hmmmmmm 🤔

Last night I had a conversation with spirit while laying in bed. Personal experiences of shame surfaced around sex. I wonder why shame didn’t make it onto the diagram? I suppose others haven’t either.

Anyhoo, I’ve done things in the past I’m not particularly proud of, but these experiences have shaped the woman I am. I don’t feel ashamed of anything I learn and grow from, but shame was triggered by my recent behaviour.

For me, abstinence and/or sexual unfulfillment can bring another side to the surface. Causing me to drift away from a spiritual path, seeking out the external arousals of pornography.

Some would say, the fall from Grace.

I’m not a religious person, so I don’t believe sex or porn is a sin, but I am mindful of the kind of experiences I want to have.

I’m less interested in the shallow satisfactions of sex. And more curious about how a soulful connection, and a sense of spiritual bliss can transcend beyond, and expand upon our experience of physical pleasure.

Everything porn is NOT !!!

Hmmmmmm 🤔

It wasn’t an opportunity or an invitation to forgive myself. It actually felt more like a demand. As I began to feel the stings of shame, I thought about other “sinners”. Those less mindful of themselves who are disconnected from spirit. Those who loose themselves in distorted thoughts, perversions and deviations. Those who abuse, rape, torture and murder.

And my heart broke open 💔

I cried for all those who suffer abuse, and I cried for all those who abuse.

I felt a connection I didn’t really want to feel, but obviously needed to. It seems, the more conscious I BEcome, the more I feel part of a collective conscience.

Yup, sometimes I FEEL as crazy as that sounds. But I keep getting nudges from spirit that reassures me. I’m not crazy, I just see things that others don’t need or want to see.

Hmmmmmm 🤔

My descent has been brutal these last few months. There were times I wasn’t sure I’d make it out of the darkness. In truth, I’m still thrown into the cyclone of the storm of shadows when the need arises.

But these personal storms have NEW meaning and a collective purpose.

So I neither fear nor avoid them 🌪

I believe …

Emotions are triggered and directed by our thoughts, so how we think and what we believe matters. Our choices are dependant upon those thoughts and beliefs. It’s WHY I observe the conversations between my head and heart. It’s HOW I identify any limited beliefs that restrict my spiritual growth.

E-motion is ENERGY in motion.

Like the Alchemist, we have the ability to transcend our lower vibrational energy into fuel for our growth. Like the Shar(wo)man we have the ability to alter our state of consciousness, and channel transcendental energies.

WE are our own Medicine Wo(men)

Let that thought linger with you awhile and ALLOW it to empower YOU 🔥

I love how Facebook asks us what’s on our minds. It’s nice to know someone cares. I wonder, are you like me? Do YOU have a relationship (of sorts) with Facebook? It’s not as strange as it may sound.

FB is the new “Friend’s with Benefits”

And I love my FB ❤

I love how it prompts me to share with you. I love how it nudges me to create a post, reminding me that I’m a creator. Of stories such as this. I love how it gives me a platform to hone my craft of writing. I love how I get to share that process with you all. I love that if I was to die tomorrow, it doesn’t matter if I never got around to writing my books. Because I’m already writing and sharing my stories with you NOW 😊

So … what’s on my mind today ?

❤ L.O.V.E ❤

Brace yourself because a religious post (of sorts) is coming, but I do hope you keep reading because I believe it’s a story worth sharing 😊

I’m not religious because I don’t align to ONE particular faith based belief. I believe religion has and does separate us, which is why I’ve challenged my own “Christian beliefs.” I rid myself of the “Christian” label years ago because I felt restricted by it. Not because I don’t believe the stories of Jesus. Not because I don’t believe in a Higher Power. Not because I don’t believe the Bible holds some value. But because other religions have their own stories, and their own Holy Scriptures they teach from.

I was curious about how religion, culture and history, has and does influence and shape us. How it’s influenced and shaped societies. And how it’s influenced and shaped our beliefs. By ridding myself of a label, I gave myself the freedom I needed to explore other religions, cultures, stories and beliefs. I allowed myself to BE open minded to other possibilities.

At the core of most, if not ALL religion is

FAITH 🙏🏾 HOPE 🌟 LOVE ❤

Those are the things that CONNECT us

I now consider myself to be a spiritual BEing. I don’t align with a particular name given to a Higher Power, because they’re all forms of the ONE, which I believe to be The Source of ALL Creation. Whatever or whoever that is ?

Maybe WE are the Universe ?

I’m not comfortable giving it a name because it has many names. I’m less interested in what we call it, and more intrigued about what it IS.

I believe it to BE an energy that’s within us. A belief that’s given me the freedom I needed, to explore another way of BEing in this world.

I recall a conversation I had with a Taxi Driver in the UK. While waiting at the traffic lights, he commented on a young woman crossing the road. I had noticed her too because she was in full Muslim dress, with her face covered, but she was wearing bright pink stiletto heeled shoes. He said something along the lines of, dressing to appear like something she wasn’t. According to him she was a drug addict, with a very shady character.

It was a conversation I’ll never forget …

We couldn’t get any further apart in our beliefs. He was of Muslim faith and I’m a free spirited woman, but we talked openly and honestly about some very deep stuff, in a short space of time.

He shared how he didn’t taste alcohol until he was in his late 20s, because his religion didn’t permit it. I shared how my relationship with alcohol was changing. He shared how once he tasted it, he began binge drinking and suffered the consequences. I shared the challenges I’ve had as a single Mum and he shared his, as a single Dad. We shared what we thought and how we felt about dating. He shared his beliefs in God and I shared my beliefs in Goddess. And I blew his mind OPEN when I shared …

That I believe God is a male energy, influenced by the Sun and guided by reason (the mind). And Goddess is a female energy, influenced by the Moon and guided by love (the heart).

That both female and male energy is within us all. That our healing involves learning how to BALANCE these energies. That this influences the quality of our relationships and therefore our interaction with others.

The drive only lasted 30 minutes and in that time we had shared something meaningful. We left feeling hopeful and most of all CONNECTED in our differences, and UNITED in our efforts.

Freeing myself from the limitations of my mind, has made me less attached to my own beliefs. So, I’m less interested in defending my beliefs, and more focused on learning and growth.

The FREE spirited woman I am doesn’t want to argue about who’s right or wrong. I don’t want to get into religious and political debates, that loose sight of what really matters most …

❤ L.O.V.E ❤

I want to know who YOU are. So, tell me about your culture and how your faith based beliefs has and does influence and shape who you are.

I want to know what you believe in?

What’s tested your faith? Have you ever wrestled with the demons in your own mind? What have you learned from those battles? How do you connect to Source? When have you lost all hope? Have you ever been lost in the darkness of your own shadows? What gives you strength to carry on? What are you most afraid of loosing? How do you approach challenges and conflicts? What are you doing to create a better world? How do you consciously shift from fear to love?

Let’s talk about how we BE the L.O.V.E ❤

I’m not one to toot my own horn,
but sometimes
we have to blow our own bubbles.

Not because our ego demands it,
but because we finally believe
the truth of who we are.

I am a woman of substance,
striving to live a life that matters.

A participant,
not a spectator.

I have a brilliant mind,
and a warrior’s heart.
My spirit is strong
and the vessel I inhabit
is a soft and sensual body.

The fleshy goodness of my BEing

I wasn’t just made for love.
I was fucking created for it.

My very BEing screams LOVE

YES !!! YES !!! YES !!!

I am worthy of what my heart desires
I am worthy of creating my dreams.

My heart guides me towards it.
My soul knows it.
But I needed to change my mind.
To liberate myself from old stories.

I am not TOO much
I am more than enough
I am worthy of love

Because I am LOVE

Love isn’t something we seek
Love isn’t something we earn
Love isn’t something we buy
Love isn’t something we deserve

LOVE is something we ARE

It flows as freely as the rivers flow.
Can be felt regardless of our emotions.
Love doesn’t flow from an idea,
or a thought in our heads.
It’s not dependant on conditions or rules.

Love breaks ALL the rules.

It’s a way of BEing in this world.
Considered radical by those who sleep.

LOVE isn’t lost when a loved one dies,
it doesn’t know time or space.
When love is shared,
it’s eternal.

Forever and Always ❤

It doesn’t matter if a relationship
flourishes with growth,
or if it withers away to nothing.

LOVE doesn’t give a fuck
who said what.
It doesn’t care who’s to blame.
There is no tit for tat,
or karma drama bullshit.

LOVE forgives
ANYTHING and EVERYTHING.

LOVE isn’t dependant
upon what another
does or doesn’t do for us

It just IS

LOVE doesn’t subside into friendship,
because it can’t be diluted.

LOVE knows no such boundaries.

Our minds think the thoughts
Our hearts feel the emotions
But our spirit IS the love

LOVE is the light
that radiates from our soul.
And it can be seen,
through the eyes.

It’s the sparkle we see.

Like moths,
we’re drawn to the light.

A soul recognizes itself,
when its reflected back.

Like mirrors,
we see what we’re looking at,
or what’s missing.

Like magnets,
we attract what we are.

BE the love you seek,
and together
lets BE the change we want to see.

Guess what …

Those of us crazy enough
to believe we can change the world.
Usually DO ✌😍

On my walk home from work the other day, I decided to take a different route. It was hot as fuck and I was tired, so I was trying to find a quicker way back. I took a short cut through a park, that joined onto the road I was heading for. I was walking against the wind, but it was a welcomed relief from the heat. Although it made me work a little harder, the warm wind blew the sweat from my face, which helped to make me feel a little cooler.

As I walked through the park, I didn’t know there was a shop there. I noticed a young chubby woman fussing around her car, that was parked outside the nursery. She was wearing a grey tshirt, a short black skirt and a pair of thongs on her feet. As I approached, I watched her re-arranging the plant pots in the boot. She had a blonde bobbed hair cut, that was all messed up from the wind. She was wearing silver rimmed glasses and looked kinda nerdy, but she was cute.

When I reached her she was standing on her tippy toes, leaning into the boot. She didn’t acknowledge my presence with a smile. Instead I came face to face with her bare arse. I was surprised, amused and a little aroused by her confidence if I’m honest. She must have felt the wind blowing around her bare cheeks. She must have known her arse was on show. Maybe she was too distracted by the plant pots? Perhaps she liked how the wind felt on her skin? Maybe she liked knowing people were looking at her arse? It’s a nice arse, why wouldn’t she be proud of it. I’d flash mine if it looked like that.

I kept on walking, thinking to myself how nice it was to appreciate another woman’s body, without feeling the pangs of insecurity or the stings of jealousy. I thought about insensitive partners who’ve crossed the line of admiration. I thought about how those men have made me feel insecure about my own body, having not expressed the same admirations for mine. So I made a promise to myself. To stop pointing out my flaws and start admiring my own body. To love my flattened peachy arse.

Then I noticed a middle aged man walking down the road towards me. He was tall and heavy set, but he didn’t walk tall and proud. His shoulders were hunched and he leaned forward as he walked. He was taking big strides, so he was approaching fast. He was wearing red shorts and a green buttoned shirt. Carrying an empty Coles shopping bag, that was blowing around his knees. His hair was longish, black and greasy. He was walking with the wind, so his hair was blowing all over his face, which was sticking to his facial stubble.

As he got closer I couldn’t help but smile at his style. He was wearing an Hawaiian shirt with surfing Santa’s on. I was amused because he looked like a festive grump, with the scowl on his face. Ho ho fucking ho. Like the young girl, he didn’t look my way me either. For a moment I actually wondered if I was visible. Maybe they can’t see me? Perhaps I’m not really here? Maybe my body’s in bed sleeping already? Perhaps I’m dream walking?

No, he just seemed a little shy and awkward. So he was avoiding eye contact. Focused on keeping his hair out of his face and getting to the shop to fill his bag. I chuckled to myself because he was heading towards the young girl. I wondered if he was gonna get a flash too

As I reached the top of the road, I was over taken by two young men on my right. They were chatting and seemed to be in a hurry to get somewhere. I didn’t get a good look at their faces, but one of them was taller than the other, with broad shoulders. His skin was sun kissed and he had a tattoo on his upper arm.

My body automatically responds to a man with  height, broad shoulders, big hands and a sexy smile. I don’t mean to sound crude, but it’s like instant lubricant to my loins. As a woman in her sexual prime, my imagination went wild and I thought to myself. I need a younger lover, with stamina to satisfy my sexual appetite.

As I turned the corner, I looked back on the road I had just walked and smiled to myself. I wonder where the next path with lead me? I wonder what other unexpected things I’ll see? I wonder what other delights await me?

I took this photo after my shower yesterday, to capture the mood I was in.

I noticed the “I’m” and I began to write …

I’m still feeling kinda dreamy after the last New Moon cycle. This dark moon wasn’t as dark as it has been in the previous months. The descent into the Underworld of shadows didn’t feel as heavy. My period was flowing, but I had very little discomfort. My Moon flow was lighter and I felt lighter within myself too. So, I pondered over the changes.

I’ve had 2 challenging nightshifts, but I’m in a different mindset. I don’t feel stuck or trapped somewhere I don’t want to be anymore. So I’m flowing with a little less resistance. Challenges and concerns can and still DO overwhelm me, but I appreciate these experiences as valuable opportunities to learn from.

My heart’s back IN the work again ❤

While tending to the cares of a palliative client, I heard his wife sobbing behind the curtain. I didn’t walk away or ask my collegue to check on her. I knew she needed to know she wasn’t alone, so I sat down beside her bed and held her hand. She told me how much she loved her husband, and that she didn’t know what to do. I could feel the pain in her heart, but seen the love and light shining from her eyes. So I shared the words that came from my heart.

“Just keep loving him” ❤

She smiled and her tears fell, as did mine

I cried for her, for the loss she was feeling
I cried for him, for the life he was loosing
I cried for me, for the deaths I have faced
I cried for us, for the loves we have lost

This New Moon brought my BIGGER dreams to the surface, which is why I’ve been feeling kinda dreamy. Over the last few days I’ve been journalling about what experiences I want to manifest. Focusing on all areas of my life, but intimate relationship was significant.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been struggling with my “friendships” with men. So, I’ve been reflecting over my choices in love. Thinking about the challenges we had in relationship, and how those challenges now determine the quality of our friendship. And I’ve been thinking about how I feel about being single again.

Solitude doesn’t feel like a punishment anymore, so I’m feeling more at ease in my own company. Maybe that’s why I’m able to see things a little clearer? Perhaps I needed to go through the struggle to realize the conflict? Maybe this Dark Moon wasn’t so dark because my shadow wasn’t suppressed? Perhaps I’m feeling more empowered because I’m making better choices? Maybe I’m breaking cycles and changing patterns? Perhaps I’m peeling away the bullshit of illusion, so I can live the dream?

Afew days ago, I realized how often I haven”t choosen myself. And this morning I woke with a clearer understanding of why. I acknowledge how the Damzel wants to be chosen, and the Princess wants to find her Prince Charming. Although I reject these parts of myself, I’m a fool to deny their existance. It doesn’t matter how much I want to BE the mighty Warrior, my BEing is the sum of many parts.

Even though I’ve been the one who initiated the conversations, that ultimately ended my relationships. Knowing we wanted and needed different things. If I’m honest, my inner Damzel in distress wanted them to hold on and fight for us. My inner Princess wanted them to rescue me from my distress. And deep down I had hoped that wanting me would be enough. And when they didn’t fight and they let go, I thought

“I’m not enough”

And there it is, the limited belief !!!

Even though I’ve been loved by many, in truth, only parts of me have been wanted by men. If I’m honest, my inner Wild Woman isn’t always welcomed. Sometimes she’s suppressed or limited in her full expression. Yup, another limiting belief is … “I’m TOO much”

I realize that this is why I’ve felt abandoned and rejected in and out of relationship. Therefore, a lack of love isn’t why we can’t be friends with ex lovers. It’s our own woundings and therefore our own healings, that impact upon the quality of our “friendships”

Hmmmmm 🤔

If I’m the one who’s chosen to reject parts of myself. If I’m the one who’s chosen to abandon myself, then I’m the ONE to choose myself.

But HOW do I choose myself ? ? ?

Choosing to disconnect from “complicated” connections and drama, that no longer serves my spiritual growth, is how I choose ME.

Choosing to release myself from any limiting beliefs, that no longer serves my growth and the Greater Good, is how I choose ME.

Choosing to focus my time and energy on creating the NEW, not fighting the old, or reliving past mistakes, is how I choose ME.

Choosing to believe in my dreams and trusting the visions I have, is how I choose ME.

As women, we often need reminded that it’s OK to choose ourselves. We’ve been raised in a culture that expects us to put others first, and we’re shamed or guilted when we don’t. We’ve been led to believe that being a single woman, is a tragedy best avoided. We’re still being told to sit down and shut up, but it’s in less obvious, subtler ways these days. And we’ve been conditioned to surpress our uglier truths.

Authenticity isn’t easy because it’s hard to look beyond the darkness. To confront our shadow, to own our fuckups, to love our flaws, to learn from our failures and to admit our faults.

Sometimes we choose to live in the ignorance of our bliss … and that’s OK ❤

As women, we fear owning our personal power because strong women are misunderstood. Our strength doesn’t lie within our ability to conquer and overcome obstacles alone. It’s not even in the raging roars of I AM WOMAN !!!

Our strength comes from our willingness to BE vulnerable. To drop the masks and in letting the walls of our defences fall to the ground. It’s in our willingness to BE seen as we truly are.

Not pretending to BE someone you want us to be. Not faking it till we make it. Not diluting our truths to make you feel more comfortable. Not trying to be something we’re not, to please you.

Our strength is BEing the mighty hot fucking mess we are, and not apologizing for it.

Our strength is seeing and loving the beautiful imperfect BEing of humanness YOU are ❤

Our strength is saying this is ME and I LOVE her, ALL of her and if you can’t, then Fuck Off !!!

Our strength is in our ability to believe in love, after having lost what we feared loosing.

Our strength is saying YES to ourselves.

Until I can fully choose myself, then how the fuck can I expect anyone else to? Does this mean the next man to walk into my life will be the “one” ? Hmm, although forever the hopeful heart, I’m also a realist. Besides, who is the ONE anyways? Aren’t I the BEloved of my own life? I do wonder though, will I ever grow in love with the same man for the rest of my life?

Perhaps not ? Maybe that isn’t my path in this lifetime ? Perhaps relationship with a variety of different men provides the growth I need in this lifetime ? Maybe my destiny isn’t to love one ?

What if I AM THE ONE ?

Who the fuck knows ? All I can do is improve the quality of the relationship I have with myself. Break free from co-dependency. Stay true to myself and BE open to learn from love.

I’m heeding the Wanderluster call and looking forward to the NEW adventures that await me in 2020, as a much stronger single woman.

And I’m at peace with that 😌

I choose ME and I choose to be FREE 💪😍

Memories automatically take us back in time. We recall, recollect and reflect to learn the lessons from our experiences.

Today, I’ve been taken back to a conversation I had with my Dad, afew weeks after loosing Mam. Although he believed in spirit, his faith was shaken. No matter how much he wanted to believe, he couldn’t feel her spirit and it upset him, but it also triggered his fear.

I was reassuring him of her presence. Reminding him that his grief was deep, so his heart was hurting. Then I noticed something on his chest. A tiny white feather was resting on his heart. When I pointed it out to Dad, it gave him hope.

It gave me hope too and it strengthened my faith. Since Mam’s death these kinda conversations with spirit happen often. On my own journey, there are times when I feel hopeless and my faith is shaken too.

When I descend into the underworld of shadows, the darkness can and does consume me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m strong enough to fight my way out. But I notice, that during those times the presence of spirit feels stronger.

Our loved ones are the light in the dark

Grief isn’t just about the loss of a loved one. It triggers any lingering fears, wounds, blockages and limitations we may have. It challenges us to confront a different reality. Invites us to take a long hard look at our own lives. And it takes us on a wild journey of transformation.

Dragging us through the past of our yesterdays. Forcing us to look at the future of our tomorrows. To help us BEcome more fully present in the precious moments of our today.

I recall the conversation with my Dad, recollect my inner thoughts and reflect.

Dad’s heart didn’t just break open when his beloved died. He lost the other part of himself, so his heart felt like it had broken in two. His heart was no longer whole, so his healing was complex. He was also confronting his own battle with cancer and his own fate, which only complicated his healing further 💔

I wonder …

How do you balance something that’s missing?
How do you heal something that’s gone?
How do you feel whole if you’re a half?
How do you heal someone who can’t be cured?
How the fuck do you find peace in that kind of suffering?

Words can’t explain how difficult it was to witness Dad’s pain. Like Mam, he often stayed strong for us. Like Mam, he always tried to focus on the positives. Like Mam, he often suffered in silence because he didn’t want to worry us. But like Mam, sometimes his pain broke through, and we witnessed the brutality of his truth and the beauty of his vulnerability.

Those were the moments that were the most difficult to bare. For me, its easier to feel my own pain, than to watch someone I love struggling to feel their own. But those were the moments that also triggered my own fear, anxiety, wounds and incompletions.

Truth is, it’s not easy to bare witness and allow the pain to be seen. Whether it’s physical, mental emotional or spiritual, it’s hard to feel our own pain.

It’s a natural response to comfort and reassure others and ourselves. It’s an automatic reaction to want the pain to stop. But what if we just allowed the pain to be expressed? What if we asked fear and anxiety more questions? What if we went straight to the source of our woundings? What if our conversations are opportunities to become whole?

Maybe it explains my own challenges in love?
Perhaps my relationship with pain is changing?
Maybe its why I need to be whole?
Perhaps I want to love differently?

The past no longer haunts me, but it continues to teach me. I appreciate that the experiences I’ve had, are the lessons I’m learning. The challenges are the obstacles I’m overcoming. So, what if, the struggles I’m having are the sufferings I’m healing?

They say that resistance leads to suffering and acceptance brings peace. So to find peace, we must be willing to let go and release what was. And to accept what is, we must surrender to change and transformation. Only then, will we become all that we can BE

Hmmmmmmmm 🤔 she ponders

Maybe that’s why the past keeps knocking?
Perhaps that’s why the past haunts us?
Maybe I just needed to see it differently?
Perhaps some bridges do need to burn?
Maybe we can’t take everyone with us?
Perhaps that’s my greatest struggle?

Sometimes, our minds need to catch up to what our hearts already know. But our hearts only know LOVE and I always follow mine, which is probably why I’ve been hurt so many times before.

My love life is one great big tragedy

But if my heart only knows love, then it’s my own thinking that hurts me. Now, there’s an empowering thought to digest. A thought that has the ability to change everything. A thought that shifts us from Damzel in distress to the Heroine, from lost to found, from wounded to healing and from incomplete to whole.

Hmmmmmmm 🤔 she ponders

What if to transcend fear into love, we must first feel the pain of loosing what we fear to loose? What if our healings are the pain we’re transcending? What if we are the Alchemist?

PS … I LOVE this pic of my parents ❤

But I still cry whenever I look at photos

The last few days I’ve glanced at clocks when numbers are repeating (1.11, 2.22, 3.33). And yesterday I unknowingly posted the frog photo at 4.44. Some say these are angel numbers.

I’m not really sure what it
eans, but I believe in spirit. And the past seems to be loosening its grip on me. Over the last few weeks some things are beginning to fall away from my life.

And I notice there’s less resistance.

Usually, whenever I feel something or someone leaving, I fight to hold on. If I’m honest with myself, I often hold on longer than I should, and fight for things no longer meant for me. I don’t let go easily. Usually, it takes time and alot of mental anguish and emotional upset, for me to release something or someone from my life.

Maybe its the stubborn goat in me ?
Perhaps its my hopeful heart ?
Maybe its a lack of boundaries ?
Perhaps its a need for faith ?

I realize that I resist letting go because I fear the void I’ll feel when it or they have gone. I usually don’t welcome that empty feeling. It’s why I fill the void with food, by comfort eating.

But what if the empty feeling is the creating of space ? What if it’s clearing old energies, so new energy can flow ? What if the void is like a blank canvas for the artist to paint, and an empty page for the writer to write ? As a creative BEing shouldn’t I welcome the void ?

Last night at work, a Praying Mantis flew at me. I was mesmerized by her presence. She looked like a fairy with her pinkish wings. The RN said it looked like Tinkerbell, which made me smile.

Some say when this creature crosses your path it brings a message. Symbolic of stillness, patience and intuition. Reminding us to slow down and connect to the gift of our everyday moments. To strengthen our connection to Source with spiritual practice.

On my walk back to the van from work I treated myself to breakfast at the Shack. I noticed I sat on the chair infront of “Don’t worry, be happy” and it made me think about my Mam. When I shared the photo, a family friend commented that I had sat at the same table she had sat with her Mum, on her last birthday. Her Mum is now in spirit and our Mum’s were friends.

After a bite to eat, I stopped at the beach for a dip in the ocean and I napped on the sand for awhile. I love how FB tagged my friend Christie, who is now in spirit. The same thing happens with Mam now and then. FB never recognized either of them in my face when they were living. So I believe its a message from spirit. A reminder of their presence and it comforts me.

After a rest to recharge my batteries, I carried on walking to the van. Popped in my earphones and listened to some of my favourite tunes. Songs I imagine being played to certain scenes in a movie. Of a story yet to be written.

Miley Cirus “The Climb”
Tina Turner & Angelique Kidjo “Easy as Life”
Christina Perri “A thousand years”
Disturbed ” The sound of silence”
James Blunt “Bonfire heart”
Bon Jovi “Its my life”
Def Leppard “Love bites”
Missy Higgins “Temporary love”
Sam Smith “Stay with me”
James Morrison “All around the world”

As I walked, memories, reflections and insights flowed through my mind. As I watched the cars as they drove by, I thought about their rush and their busy. Instead of envying their wheels, I felt blessed to have the freedom to take my time.

A green parrot flew straight towards me, as if he was playing a game of chicken. He gained height at the last minute, and I couldn’t help but laugh out loud at his boldness, or blindness. A currawong and I captured each others gaze, so I bowed my head and greeted him a good day.

I laughed out loud when a lizard ran across my path, with his head outstretched like he was the road runner being chased by Kayote.

The little critters and creatures were comical and full of character, which amused me.

When I got back to the van, I showered and had a lay down on the sofa under the gazebo. A cool breeze was blowing and dappled sunlight created pretty shadows on my legs. I drifted off to sleep thinking “What a wonderful world”

I remind myself, that I can either choose to feel the heaviness of my grief, or I can choose to stay open to the loving presence of spirit ❤

I woke feeling a little out of sorts this morning. Melancholy has decended upon me. Perhaps the storm blew it in from the west? My heart feels like a tight ball in my chest. I came Yam yesterday, with intentions to clean. But the storm left me feeling a little uneasy, so I settled into bed early last night. Sleep was restless and my dreams were busy, because Yam doesn’t feel like it once did. I kinda feel like a swatter in a place I once knew.

Conflicting feelings.

A sense of comfort, yet a deep sadness keeps sweeping over me. I feel safe and secure within these walls, yet I’ve never felt more alone and unsure of the world, as I do now.

Maybe I shouldn’t have returned?
Perhaps I shouldn’t stay overnight?
Maybe I shouldn’t be here alone?

But here I am.

With truths that need to be known.
Thoughts that need to be observed.
Feelings that need to be felt.
And tears that need to be cried.

I stand at the window, and feel like a ghost. Trapped between realities.
Looking out onto the world, but not ready to fully engage in it. Part of me desires to disconnect and fall away from society and it’s expectations. To reject the systems I struggle with and live a simpler life.

I can understand how functioning members of society, can suddenly find themselves living on the streets. I can understand how the choice to be homeless, can be stronger than the need to belong. I can understand how the desire for freedom, can lead us to places we never imagined going.

I’ve been drifting through life,
but for what purpose?

I was there, but I wasn’t.
I’m here, but I’m not.

Like me,
Yam isn’t the home it once was.
Now it’s just a house,
full of empty rooms and bare walls.
A house of memories,
that haunt me.

In my minds eye,

I see Dad coming home from work.
I see Mam pottering in the garden.
I see Dad doing his crosswords.
I see Mam on the computer.
I see Dad drinking his cuppa coffee.
I see Mam making dinner.
I see them cuddling on the sofa.
I see them smiling at me.

I can see them both clearly,
but they’re not here.
Not in the way I want them to be.
The only comfort I have,
is they’re together in spirit.

But what was, is no more.

My heart breaks,
the tears flow,
and I cry.

For everything I once had.
For everything I have lost.
For everything that’ll never be.

I cry until the tightness in my chest eventually softens. I cry until I have no more thoughts to think, no more feelings to feel and no more tears to cry.

But I’m surfing because thoughts and feelings, they come in waves.

I’m grateful for the release and the energy that’s now reflowing through my heart chakra, but I feel a little weary. So excuse me, as I rest awhile.

Van life …

It’s no secret that I don’t always enjoy my solitude. Sometimes I struggle to be in my own company and seek escape. But for years I’ve fantasized about living the gypsy life in a van.

To explore new work and life possibilities. To write and create my kinda magic. Like other desires of my heart, it manifested into reality. Perhaps not in the way I had hoped. In truth, it rarely does, but its a reality none the less.

There’s hope in knowing that ❤

I ride waves, which is why I need solitide the most when I don’t want it at all. I flow with natural cycles and seasons, because my destiny is written in the stars. But my fate is guided by my own heart and the lessons my soul seeks. I believe more than ever that Universe guides my choices, because when I overcame my fear of death, I had to then learn how to trust life. In my grief I’m learning how to transcend my fears and BE the love I seek.

The heaviness of my flaws, faults, failings and fuck ups have lifted. And I’ve been feeling very poetic the last few days. Perhaps I’ve been inspired by the recent book I read? “Me, myself and Lord Byron.” Maybe after my descent into shadow last New Moon, creative juices are flowing this Full Moon? Perhaps I released? Maybe I did the work and now reap the reward of my creative expression?

Whatever the reason, I’m grateful ❤

She’s not to be found in the words she writes,
because she lives within a story
that expands far beyond those pages.

You’ll find parts of her
somewhere between the lines,
where the truth is yet to be written.

She’s the kinda poetry in motion
to be tasted and experienced.

A contradiction of complexities
that stimulates the appetite.

Pure of heart with devilish tendancies.

A sinful delight for those
who fancy dipping their toes
into the depths of themselves.

Once tasted, the experience will linger
long after she’s gone.

Her soul igniting the flames
of your own passions and purpose.

You’ll discover aspects of her within yourself,
and search for her in others.

She’ll either satisfy your hunger,
or leave you feeling starved of her affections,
whilst giving you an appetite for more.

Because her love expands
far beyond the carnal pleasures of flesh,
and the romantic attachments of your heart.

She’s a soulful lover,
who has caressesed every part of you
with her loving intentions.

Unafraid of the darkness
and accepting of your imperfections.
Knowing, that she too is magnificently flawed.

With a deep desire to grow in love,
she hopes you’ll read between the lines
and find her beyond the pages.