I used to believe that if I wanted to go somewhere, then I needed to have a destination in mind. I used to think that if I wanted to achieve a goal, then I had to have it all planned out. I used to feel like a complete failure when my path changed its course

Oh … how times have changed !!!

Although I do hold a vision of the kind of life I want to create, at times its blurry. Sometimes I loose my focus and the vision changes as I do. Its during such transitions that I feel the most uncertain and vulnerable, which is when my fears start to surface. But its a place I no longer run from, its a place I choose to sit in and wait. Its a place I still fear sitting, but its a place I know holds all the answers I seek. I just need to listen

My feelings of discontentment continues to lead me down different paths, seeking fulfillment. My desire to explore, learn and grow continues to drive me

But … in all honesty I have absolutely no idea when, how and where I’m going

At this stage in my life I’m literally only taking one step at a time. I’m flowing with how I feel moment to moment. I’m trusting the process and I’m surrendering to life

New realizations have recently surfaced into my consciousness and has caused me a little upset because I dont like what its telling me

 Since my most recent heartbreak I haven’t actually finished anything Ive started

Nothing is yet fully complete

I started the “Red Tent” course … but still have modules to complete

I started several books … but they all sit on my bedside table unfinished

I started the “Goddess makeover” … but have paused at the sacral chakra

I started the “Meaning of death” course … but pulled out half way through

I started the “Social media & photography” course … but am procrastinating

Hmmmmmmmm … WHY ?

This is not my usual behaviour. I’m the kind of woman who never gives up and always gets the job done. I hold the goal in mind and then I dont stop until its achieved

Its a Capricorn thing

So, I reflected over why I’m struggling to complete what I started ?

And it lead me down several paths of disappointment, loss, failure, rejection and a whole lot of fucking hurt …

A marriage, that didn’t lead to where I wanted it to go

An intense 5 years of university study, that didn’t lead to where I wanted it to go

A love affair with a married man, that didn’t lead to where I wanted it to go

A relationship, that didn’t lead to where I wanted it to go

Dating, that didn’t lead to where I wanted it to go

When it comes to my heart it feels like NOTHING has actually gone in the direction I had hoped. Everything that has mattered most to me has ended or changed. Perhaps that explains my reluctance to complete those things I start? Maybe subconsciously I’m afraid to finish something in-case it doesn’t lead to where I want it to go? So by not finishing them, I’m avoiding the disappointment, the rejection, the failure and the hurt?

Who the fuck knows ?

I can analyze the shit out of it OR I can accept this new realization about myself and actually FINISH the damn things I started and go in which ever direction it leads me

The choice is mine and I choose to keep on walking forwards

… and breathe

Changes to my daily routine and recent events has been shifting my energy and emotions around. Some of it good and some of it … not so good

With the lead up to new moon and my menstrual cycle Ive been feeling a little unsettled and very teary. So, today I meditated on it and 2 things surfaced …

The word OPENNESS and an image of a conflicted heart came to mind

Hmmmmmmm ?

It made me think about how each and every experience in life can serve as an opportunity to bring us more love and light. About how our “negative” experiences are also gifts. Because when we start to explore those things that hurt our hearts, we will generally find that its our thoughts and understandings about the experience that hold onto the pain and suffering. The resistance to LET GO being the main cause of our hurt

Once we let go we are more open to new experiences, which brings CHANGE

Change being something that can stir up our fears because being open also means being more vulnerable. A feeling that leaves us open to so many things that can hurt. The main reason why many people choose the comforts of familiarity and the security of routine, instead of standing in their truth, following their hearts and stepping out into the unknown. Into a  place of uncertainty that can cause us discomfort

Alas, not everyone is ready to hear the truth … let alone LIVE it

Openness isn’t for everyone all of the time. As hard as it is to believe, even I hold back sometimes. There are parts of ourselves that we only share with those we trust, within our inner circles of support because we have experienced the judgements, the ridicule, the criticism, the betrayal and the misunderstandings

But before standing in a place of judgment or before choosing to engage in mindless gossip about someone elses choices, please remember that …

” Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future “

Both positive and negative aspects of self exists in ALL of us

Until we are able to fully accept and love both shadow and light parts of ourselves and embrace ALL that makes us whole, we are unable to completely accept and love both light and shadow in others

I have a great appreciation for those who openly share their messy thoughts instead of hiding behind false truths. I admire those who seek the lesson from their mistakes. I value those who are willing to hurt with truth rather than comfort with lies. I cherish those who continue to believe in love no matter how many times their hearts have been broken. I fall in love with those who are brave enough to share ALL of who they are so they can become ALL they can be

My motto is … appreciate everything and regret nothing because in the end we only ever regret the chances that we didn’t take

Be OPEN to the possibility of MORE

The moon controls the ebb and flow of our oceans and she’s also an energetic force that influences our emotions.

During a new moon we tend to feel tired, inward and more vulnerable. Its a time when our shadows surface. Any insecurities and old wounds in need of healing can come into our awareness.

When we don’t learn to accept and heal our shadow we hold ourselves back from living the life we imagine. We limit our growth. So being mindful about our thoughts and feelings can help us to identify where our garden can grow.

New moon is a time to plant our seeds of intention. Inviting the experiences into our lives that will support our growth and create the life we imagine.

Standing in our own truth enables us to flow with universal energies that make manifestation possible. This is the law of attraction and this is where the magic of change happens ~~~☆☆☆

If anyone had told me that a bicycle could change my life … I would have laughed

Yet, here I am in a budding new romance with my bike and its changing my life

Week 2 of my “changing habits” comes to an end and I can honestly say that I never imagined that it would have unfolded in the way it has

I bought a bike …

No big deal …

I just wanted to get to work quicker because I decided to get rid of my car

Part of my ” GET FIT and FABULOUS at FORTY ” quest

At 42 years old Ive had enough of feeling fat. Ive had enough of the comfort eating excuse. Ive had enough of hearing the reasons why I cant do something. Ive had enough of bills bogging me down and Ive had enough of holding myself back

ENOUGH is ENOUGH !!!!

  So, in an effort to change that, I made a different choice …

  Letting my car go and buying a bike seemed logical because it will help me to save money and get fit … sounds FABULOUS to me

However, the first few days have been anything BUT fabulous !!!

” A picture is worth a thousand words “

Isn’t it just … my face after my first ride to work says it all

Thank fook it was dark !!!

I was wobbling all over the place like a tipsy driver because of the weight in the basket, but once I got my balance all was well … until I hit the first downward slope. I recall zooming down hills as a youngster feeling invigorated by the speed and wind in my hair. But as a wobbly overweight middle aged woman I was bloody terrified !!!

Then came the upward slope, which was no better. Even the tiniest of incline felt like I was peddling through sand. I tried to stand up and pedal but got the wobbles, so had to get off and push the damn thing … hence why they call it a “push bike” I suppose

The entire way there I was thinking to myself WTF am I doing ?

I had been enjoying my walks last week and with a change in thinking, was actually starting to feel kinda fabulous. But there I was in the bathroom at work, looking in the mirror and I wanted to cry because I felt and looked every bit of FAT and UNFIT

I wanted to GIVE UP !!!

The next day I got back on it … and the next day … and the next day

Regardless of how hard it was. Regardless of how foolish I felt. Regardless of how tragic I looked. Regardless of how disgracefully I did it … I got back on

On my first day off I decided to get up and out at 4am and try out a more flatter and longer distance (around 15km return trip). Mostly because its cooler and there are less people around, so Id feel a little less self conscious. And for the first time all week I was actually starting to enjoy the ride. Mind you when I dismounted my legs were so wobbly that I almost fell onto the ground, my bum was numb and my vagina felt like I had participated in a 24 hour orgy …

but I felt like I had accomplished something

So, although its been a very bumpy start to the week, with a little persistence it turned out to be something kinda wonderful

After 2 weeks I’m noticing a few changes that I’m very happy with

• I can already see a change in my body shape
• I’m starting to feel muscles forming in my legs and bum
• My clothes are starting to fit better
• My mind is clearer and thoughts more positive
• I have more energy
• I’m making better choices with my food
• I’m drinking more water
• My libido has hit an all time high

Yesterday was a day of bike riding

Today I shall be climbing a mountain with friends

Tomorrow … who knows what inspirations it will bring

I look forward to sharing the adventures awaiting to be had in week 3 of my

” GET FIT and FABULOUS at FORTY ” quest

How wonderful it will be to raise children who don’t need to peel away layers of bullshit to find their inner knowing …

As we begin to unfold our own stories and expose our truths, we begin to lead the way for our own children to do the same …

Diving deeper into our own sense of self, the layers of false truths that once defined and confined us begin to crumble away …

Time and space begins to take on new meaning as we travel from past, present and future to what was, what is and what can be …

As the shadows rise to the surface and we confront our demons, the less we fear the darkness because it’s no longer our enemy …

Both light and dark dance together like lost lovers, with a deeper understanding and sense of gratitude for one another …

Our heart is the inner compass that guides us towards our fate, so hush now and allow yourself to fall into the abyss of love …

The brilliance of our minds and the power of thought becomes an expansive arena of possibilities, as we tap into our full potential …

Honour thyself ♡

Just a little quicky about tonight’s full moon …

The moon controls our oceans and tides and human bodies are over 50% water, so its no surprise that the moon has a strong influence on our emotions

I just love the energy that swirls around a full moon and I’m very excited after reading a little about our Full Moon in Leo as Mercury is finishing Retrograde

This month is all about our creative self expression, love life and passions. Its about being the shining star that we are born to be

During Mercury in Retrograde some of us were given the PUSH we needed to help us make the necessary changes to create the life we want

Hearing from a past love and my car breaking down were my kick starters

What was yours ?

“When synthesizing the energy of the full moon in Leo with Mercury square to Uranus in Aries, we may be seeking freedom and independence in how we express ourselves creatively and authentically in our work. Or want to make significant changes or liberate ourselves from confining or controlling circumstances in either our careers or structures so we can align ourselves with what we enjoy and care about, and where our creative potential can shine best” (Carmen Di Luccio)

If you’re aligning with any of that, then this is when we start to get excited, because our energies are in sync with the universe and so its the right time to CREATE …

Reflect over …

What is your passion and hearts desire?

Where and how do you shine the brightest in your life?

What are the things you need to do that will help you to achieve your goals?

What changes need to be made in your life that will better support you to be successful?

How does your authenticity and creative expression better serve the greater good?

Enjoy your evening … I know I will

(っ”)っ ♥ ☆★☆♥

This is a blog about “breaking the habitz” so lets talk about my effort to change one of mine. Its been my intention to shed the added kilos, get fit and feel healthier for YEARS. It feels like a battle Ive had FOREVER. And just when I thought I finally had a handle on it, the handle fell off and I was back to square one again. Life has a way of knocking us down … but what matters most is getting back up again

How did I get started ? … well, Ive been procrastinating on it for a while now but the start wasn’t entirely my own doing. I did need a little help to kick start my motivation. My car has been dying a slow death and I haven’t had the funds to fix it. So when it broke down for a 2nd time this month, I had choices …

• I could pick up more nursing shifts and run myself down
• I could go into more debt and stress myself out more
• I could explore other ways to bring in the money flow
• I could be without a car and save money and be more active

Not really a hard decision to make … is it ?

Deciding to get rid of my car and walk to/from work has been my starting point. Its not particularly hard at around 2.5km if I walk the short way and around 5km if I take the scenic route, but getting started can sometimes be an effort …

So, I asked myself … How can I make it a little easier on myself ?

Ive figured out a way to reduce the “OMG I can’t be bothered” thoughts impacting on my motivation too much during nursing night shifts … being organized before my nap has been essential. That way I can literally jump out of bed to the alarm, get dressed and walk out the door before my mind wakes up enough to start thinking. Once I’m out and moving, the body is already in motion and all is good … its working well for me.

Its on the way home after a long night when my body is tired, that I’m aware of how the mind tries to pull me back. I’m slow and I’m weak and so I’m vulnerable. As other walkers keep passing me by thoughts like “hurry up fatso” and “why are you even bothering” or “its too hard, so lets just give up” pop into my mind. I don’t talk like that to anyone else, so WTF am I talking to myself like that ?

My negative thoughts impact on how I feel, which then reduces my motivation and gives me a bad attitude. I look down more, I smile less and I feel disconnected from other people.

The mind can be our worst enemy as we try to reprogram and change our habits. So its important to observe what we are thinking, then we can make a conscious decision to interrupt the negative thought process.

For me walking home the scenic way helps to flip the thoughts over to “no need to rush Tracey, enjoy the beauty” and “the more you do this the faster your pace will get, so just enjoy the process.” … which makes a HUGE difference to how I feel. I look up and smile more. I make eye contact with people who are passing by, we share our good mornings and I feel a sense of connection.

Its only early days, but like any new habit the first week is generally the most challenging. So I’m looking forward to sharing my progress next week.

Even though the stronger woman doesn’t always feel strong, she has strength. She knows her heart needs time to accept the truth, but when its over she is DONE. She knows focusing on her self helps to regain the balance she needs to move her forward into new directions.

The stronger woman will always hold love in her heart for someone she once shared love with because it never goes away, nor should it. But shes not the kinda woman who will beg you to stay, nor is she afraid to leave. She won’t manipulate your emotions, nor will she wish you bad karma.

The stronger woman walks away because she will never settle for less than and she doesn’t want you to either. She will rise above the blame and take responsibility for her own choices  her forgiving heart will defend your choices because she understands you.

The stronger woman doesn’t want a love that holds her down, nor will she ever hold you back. She wants to experience the liberation and exhilaration’s of love. She isn’t afraid to spread her wings and fly alone, nor does she fear jumping into the arms of love.

She hopes that her love will set you free

The stronger woman is more interested in sorting out her own messy mind than trying to mess with yours.

I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the lessons I’m learning in love

I hope you do too ❤️

 “The mountains are calling and I must go” (John Muir)

 I often hear the call of the mountain when my heart and mind are in conflict,
She calls to me because it’s the place I feel closest to my truest self

Walking the winding paths that lead deeper into the heart of the mountain …
… there is no escape from my truth

During the climb the truth of who I am surfaces with each and every step,
Conflicts between my past, present and future self …
What was …
What is …
What will be ?

But she understands my internal conflict and welcomes me to share with her

Sweat and tears flow and fall onto her surface …
… she challenges me to surrender to my truest and deepest feelings

My mood changes as my energy shifts …
… she accepts the shadows that linger behind me with love

I push my way through self doubt, fear and anxieties …
… she supports me as I process messy thoughts and release heavy emotion

I move past uncertainties and apprehensions …
… she encourages me to drop out of mind and step into heart space

I feel the love where my energy becomes one with spirit
Perspective that is forever changing as I get closer and closer towards her peak

Then, I reach the top … where the air is clean and the view is expansive
An overwhelming sense of endless space and limitless time
My mind is clear and my heart is open

I am balanced
We are ONE

Trusting this process without hanging on is how we flow with change, which isn’t always easy. Especially when someone else is involved and especially when it means walking away from something or someone we thought we wanted

The liberation of truth is the process of freeing ourselves from someone elses control or freeing someone else from our control

My recent blog about letting go of a past love caused a reaction with my current lover, which then woke me up to my own truth. A lover who also claims to love me deeply, yet also loves me with limitations and restrictions based on his situation and choices. Although I wasn’t aware of his situation in its entirety until he eventually shared his truth some months later, I still chose to maintain our intimate connection and was settling for less than what I truly wanted and deserved

In truth, the tensions began niggling at me early on but I trusted what he told me more than I trusted those niggles of tension. Even when others voiced those niggles out loud, I didn’t really listen … WHY ? … because I believed I was getting what I wanted, which was an extraordinary energy connection that was blowing my entire being wide open

Being the kinda woman who will always explore something that she has never experienced before, I told myself that although he wasn’t able to give me everything I wanted, I didn’t really see a future with him anyways, so it was OK. I told myself that so long as we were both being open and honest with each other, then it was OK

Hmmmmm … how easy it is to lie to ourselves

Our tensions increase conflict, which are ALWAYS valuable opportunities to hopefully communicate our truths and increase understandings. However, not everyone can appreciate that and so we must also acknowledge when to say enough is enough

But how do we know when enough is enough ?

How do we say it in a loving way ?

How do we walk away from someone knowing how much our departure is hurting them ?

We listen to those niggles and we share our truth, however difficult it is

We acknowledge that our tensions and discomforts are communicating an internal conflict, which if ignored will only cause us unnecessary suffering

Yes, it takes courage to walk away and let go of those somethings and someones that we once wanted, but YOU are worth it. Yes, we still feel the experience of loss, but YOU can do it. Yes, we may endure those emotional messages or painful silences from the ones we are hurting, but YOU can change it …  

In the past I would reply to the begs and pleadings because I hate hurting someone I love and care for (I still do) but it only prolongs both of our suffering. When its time for a reason or season to end, I want so desperately to come to a sense of closure that leaves both of our hearts still in a space of love, instead of hurt. In the past I would become consumed by our pain and struggle to accept the truth, which would continually pull me back into the fantasy of what was, instead of allowing us both to accept the reality and move forward. I would then lose all sense of control over my emotions and become consumed by the hurt, which would set off all those self defenses that projected anger, disappointment and frustration

SELF destruction mode then being activated … BOOM !!!

A place that holds very little space for love because its motivated by the fear of letting go. A place where conflict thrives and suffering persists 

But the lesson has been learned 

So, its easier … right ?

Not entirely, because it still takes courage to express our truth, knowing that it hurts both ourselves and someone else. It still takes strength to walk away from something we want, knowing its not what we need. It still takes acceptance to flow with our own feelings and so it can still get messy because we are not perfect and we are all learning as we go

Trust the process of liberation and step into freedom