I’ve never really given Mercury in retrograde much thought in the past because although I’m a self-confessed moon gazer, I’m far from being an avid astrology follower. But I’m beginning to wonder more and more about how the universal energies are able to have such a profound impact on our energy and experiences

Mercury in retrograde is here until January 25th. Its a time of confusion, delays and yes, MORE reflection. Its a time that will pull us back into our shadow self, where we tend to react more from our needs, hurts and triggers, with a focus on others more than ourselves. Therefore, it provides us with a valuable opportunity to become more consciously aware and hopefully step into our heart space where we can be more aligned with spirit

Sounds very much like finding our calm in the midst of the storm of change doesn’t it ?

Hmmmm … she ponders ?

With some recent positive energetic shifts and a change of direction I started to feel like I was finally healing my heart and getting my shit together …

Then BAM !!!! … it hit me like a freaking freight train. “Ding Ding” went the viber bell and there it was …

“the past knocking on my door”

I only have myself to blame because a little over a week ago I made a mindless wish to hear from him on my birthday, which I did …

WHY did I invite him back into my life ? Was I looking for closure or am I still hanging on ?

“Hi, how are you?” …………………. I paused and asked myself,

Does he really want an honest answer?
Do I really want to give him an honest answer?
Do I want him to know that I’m still healing the wounds?
Do I tell him that life for me is just fine and dandy?
Do I want him to know that he still has a hold on my heart?
Do I tell him that I’m doing OK?
Do I ignore it?
Do I wait a few days before responding?
Do I reply back at all?
Do I really want to reopen communication?
Do I block him?

I found myself in a sudden state of anxiety, unsure what the fuck I should DO?

So, I took a deep breath and got OUT of my head and dropped down INTO my heart

I answered truthfully, but it got a little messy because with the reopening of communication I also began to feel my heart tighten as emotions flowed through feelings of annoyance, frustration, anger, sadness and before I knew it I was crying …

Fuck you Mercury in freaking retrograde !!!

Is it really necessary to bring me back to this place to prove to myself that I do want to let go and move forwards? … Haven’t we already spent hours, days, weeks, months even years going over this same shit !!!

The following few days I was in a state of disarray and confusion. Although the contents of his messages were brief and even “nice”, I was conflicted. So, not wanting to repeat past mistakes by falling into old patterns, I shut down communication as quickly as possible

But then the darkness began to consume me. I spent the rest of the day and night in my bed, wrapped up in my sadness and suffering. My energy and motivation disappeared and I just wanted to sleep. I felt myself pulling back, seeking isolation, I didn’t want to process it, I didn’t want to talk about it, I didn’t want to express it, I didn’t want to feel it …

SHUT DOWN mode was activated

In the past this is the time I begin to experience a state of depression and fall into my old habits of coping; smoking, drinking, eating, sleeping, promiscuity

ANYTHING to numb the pain

ANYTHING to avoid confronting the truth about myself …

… and hence the HEALING and our long journeys BACK to ourselves

My wise mother, knowing me only too well came to my side to offer her love and support. During our conversations I realized that I’ve been moving forward with every memory, every tear and every hurt. Even my last email asking him to let me go, reflected a sense of blame for him holding me back and there was obviously fragments of hope left in my heart. I wasn’t accepting responsibility and I was still giving my heart away

So, what do you do when the past comes knocking?

Its obviously not as easy as making the choice to walk away, saying out loud that we want to let it go, writing down the words that come from our messy minds and hurting hearts and burning the notes with good intentions of moving the fuck on !!! … so WHAT else prevents us from leaving our pasts behind  ?

In the romanticized fantasy world that I often live in, I open the door, greet with a smile, we reminisce over wonderful times and then we either continue on our merry separate paths, wishing one another love, light and happiness OR he tells me that he can no longer live without me, that he loves me and wants to explore a life with me

Wakey fucking wakey Tracey !!!

The reality was … standing at the door was the same man, in the same situation, doing the same things, holding the same bunch of “if onlys”, the very same man I fell in love with

but WHY was he standing there? and WHAT did he want?

Perhaps he was holding onto the same old story I was ?

Sometimes we hang onto our seasons and reasons far longer than we should because our hearts hope for the lifetime … but the truth is WE are our lifetime and so our own hearts should matter most ♡

Sometimes we hold onto the hurt because when the love no longer connects us, our hurts do … but the truth is our hearts are holding onto false hopes that keep us locked in our own suffering and eternal damnation ♡

When love hurts our heart, then we are holding onto something or someone that isn’t meant for us … but the truth is WE sometimes struggle to accept this truth ♡

Letting go isn’t something we just DO, its a process we must go through … but the truth is our closure can only come once WE loosen our grip with fantasy and accept our reality

And with the simple acknowledgment that I was still holding onto OUR STORY, instead of accepting that we shared a wonderful chapter …

I reclaim my heart, my choice, my power and my life  ❤

I’m feeling a little exposed and quite vulnerable at the moment because what I thought I was doing is not what Ive actually BEEN doing, in more than one area of my life

Illusionary visionary … Yup that’s ME !!!

I hope that my musings offer a piece of my heart to those who are also moving through their own process of change. So feeling a little braver after the publication of my first submission to Elephant Journal, I took another risk and submitted my latest blog on “Living with Love” … and it was REJECTED

Stung a little because it tugged at the “I’m not good enough” strings.
But after the initial sting I reread the email and was extremely grateful for the valuable feedback they willingly offered. My blog was too scattered and covered too many topics at once with not enough depth, which kinda reflects my head space to be honest …
They also asked … is your writing Emotionalism ?

At first glance it sounds like a positive thing because I like to think that I DO write with emotion. However, it’s NOT a good thing for a writer because although writing with heart involves our emotions, TOO much of self can offer a sense of “Look at me”, which separates instead of connects
Ouch !!! … another sting

Yes, I was one of those kids and some would argue that I’m still one of those adults, but its neither my motivation nor intention for writing. I want my words to come from an open heart, sharing my experiences with intentions to support others as they also move forward through the discomforts of their own changes

Massive FAILURE !!!

I really wanted to hear another “we love your work” response, not “you’re not quite there yet” … but part of the journey is the breaking down of old ways of being and doing, to become something new, which can be totally terrifying … yet also kinda exhilarating !!!

I consider constructive criticism to be a mighty stroke of luck because it reflects an offering of support and guidance on our journey, so I’m taking it all on board gratefully and reflecting over the feedback

Improving my writing and counseling skills is my motivation and I want my blog to reflect that learning process, hence why I’m sharing this experience with you

So … I’ve now learned that the difference between emotionalism and catharsis is GENEROSITY … which is about opening up our hearts and offering the suffering instead of using the suffering as the motivating factor

Hmmmmm ?
How do I offer it ?
How DO I get MORE real ?

“what the writer least wants to share is what the world is bleeding to hear”
Hmmmmm ?
So, some questions to sit with are …

What DOES the world want to hear ?
How can I offer that to my readers ?
Is there a common, clear theme in my writing ?
Does it inspire the reader ?
Can the reader benefit from what I share in some way ?

So … this is where I ask YOU the reader to feedback on ANY of those questions

I’ve been fortunate over the years to have met many delightful men
Blessed to have been loved by some wonderful hearts
And privileged to have fallen in love with some beautiful souls
Men who have all loved me far more than I had ever truly loved myself
Men who loved me far more than they were also loving themselves
And for that I am so very grateful ♥

My journey has never been about hating men … and never will be
Because I’m forever grateful for any love I experience and share
My heart has led me down some wonderful paths and I’ve had some extraordinary experiences
Paths that I never regret walking and experiences I never regret having
My path has always been about the journey … learning HOW to love ♥

When I think about my heart aches and broken hearts
Its only during the aftermath of emotion …
can I appreciate the experience in its entirety
Only once the loss has been acknowledged and the grief expressed …
do I realize that it had nothing to do with them and everything to do with my own heart ♥

I’m a woman who chooses to live a more conscious life
A choice that continually challenges and changes me
A way of living that isn’t for everyone
The men I have loved have also tried to become more conscious …
We both did, but unfortunately we were destined to fail
Because they didn’t actively choose to live a conscious life
Each of them feared the necessary uncomfortable changes that accompany the awakening process
Whether it was fear of growth, vulnerability or the change itself…
Fear started to trump our experience of L.O.V.E ♥

Tensions and conflicts have always arisen with my need for MORE …
More honesty, more truth, more openness, more intimacy, more time
My need for more causing feelings of frustration
Neither one of us feeling like we were ENOUGH
Both of us hanging onto fragments of love, unwilling to completely let go
I believe that the men I have loved, still love me ♥
Not because I’m egotistical, but because my heart loved them so fiercely
Perhaps, I challenged the way we both had experienced love in the past?
Maybe, I brought us out of our comfort zones, offering a taste of something that we both craved?

It’s not easy to hold onto a woman like me
Because I’m driven to experience ALL that life has to offer
Ive never doubted the love of any man who has declared his love for me
But to love a woman like me, he must also love the journey
And the journey of love is fraught with hurt, loss and discomfort
Experiences that break our hearts open for an important purpose ♥

Others have criticized and judged who, why and how I have loved
Criticisms that often made me feel like the love I was feeling was wrong
Judgements that caused my heart more anguish than was necessary
But each and every criticism and judgement are also important aspects of the journey towards living a life of L.O.V.E
For, if we choose to listen to the opinions of others, then we ignore the truth in our own hearts ♥

Yesterday, I shared an intense experience with my lover

During our love making in the light of day
Our naked bodies exposed and entwined in full goddess and godly glory
I kept my eyes wide open … and I witnessed the love ♥

During our heart to heart conversations
Our shame and guilt cast aside
I gazed deep into his eyes … and I witnessed the love ♥

Those of us who choose to walk the path less traveled, with intentions to become more consciously awake … will always challenge what IS
Our desire to explore and experiment with love will often confuse those who misunderstand us …

But its through our experiences that we WITNESS the LOVE
Each of us are OPENING and GROWING in love in different ways
So, just because MY truth is different to YOURS … doesn’t mean that my experience of love isn’t TRUE ♥

Suspend judgement … extend LOVE ♥

If Ive already met, connected with, loved and been loved by so many beautiful, wonderful and amazing men
Imagine … the experiences of love I am still yet destined for ♥

I had full intentions of starting off the New Year feeling refreshed and motivated … but here I am feeling like total crap !!!

Coming off a run of night shifts I didn’t feel particularly sociable and so wasn’t really in the “party” mood. I declined several offers of New Years Eve celebrations, deciding that I needed to stay home, reflect, write and set some intentions. I really wanted to indulge in a quiet evening in the arms of a lover, but alas I neither got what I needed nor wanted …

Time with my family is always enjoyed, but I foolishly helped to gobble up the remaining Christmas treats and had a few too many whiskeys before the early firework display. Combined with not enough sleep and finally bringing in the New Year alone … well I’m sure you get the picture

My relationship with booze has been changing and my tolerance is low. So, I went to sleep feeling sad & sorry and woke feeling tired & weary

BUT … I dragged my sorrowful bum out of bed at 4am and took myself down to the beach in search for some INSPIRATION …

I wandered down onto the sand and started walking. Allowing my thoughts to flow in and feel whatever came out, without judgement …

… then I sat and mindfully became present by observing “What I could see”

… and I was INSPIRED !!!

I came home and reflected some more about my process …

The start of last year I was motivated and making some positive changes in my life. I finally felt like I was going to be successful on my weight loss journey. I finally believed that I was transforming myself …

I was following the Harcombe diet principles, gaining more energy, becoming more and more active and shedding the weight …

I was inspiring others to get up and get out …

… and I was feeling FANFOOKINTASTIC !!!

As my habits changed … so did I

“a woman who cuts her hair, is about to change her life”

I got BRAVER

I got STRONGER

I got BOLDER

I got more FEARLESS

I decided that I was WORTHY of the kind of love that I gave

I decided to LOVE myself in the same way I have loved others

And even though it hurt … it was also liberating and empowering

But … then it all started to go down hill

I began to comfort myself more and more with food, which reduced my energy levels and activity …

“Old habits die hard”

The more hurts I acknowledge …

The more fears I confront …

The more truths I expose …

The more conscious I become …

The more cognitive dissonance I experience …

The more changes I need …

The more healing I want …

The more growth I do …

But, its not always pretty … it gets mighty MESSY !!!

Sharing my process of healing has been challenging because it has and is such a personal experience … but I believe there is power in our willingness to be vulnerable

So, as I stand more comfortably in my own truth, the more comfortable I begin to stand in my own skin

The process of weight loss in the past was about disliking what I see

It was about hating my body and not loving myself

TODAY …

I not only gaze upon my own body with less hatred …

I share my naked body with a lover, with less feelings of shame …

I feel brave enough to expose the woman beneath the clothes …

I am beginning to embrace the god damn Goddess that I am !!!

Yes … my body isn’t perfect

Yes … I am perfectly flawed

But the more I LOVE and ACCEPT who I am …

… the more lovingly I speak to myself and the better choices I make

Enjoy the process … that is YOUR journey

I created this blog with intentions of sharing my own process of change because it’s part of my own personal and professional development
“GROWTH”

I made a conscious choice to become more authentic and transparent in my helping role because I want to inspire and support others to stand more comfortably in their own truths, with less fear, shame and guilt
“TRUTH”

I share my own thoughts, feelings and experiences as part of my healing process because I want to support others as they acknowledge their own hurts, confront their own fears, challenge their own realities, change their own habits and transform their own lives
“HEALING”

As I step into the new year I have an overwhelming sense of pride …

Life didn’t go as planned … but I flowed with each and every wave

I’m far from perfect … but I embrace all that makes me human

I don’t have all the answers … but I’m asking the right questions

I’m not where I thought I was going …

but I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be !!!

Come walk with me and let me show you what it is that I see …

I see a new day is dawning

I see a new chapter is beginning

I see a new year full of opportunities and possibilities that await us

I see wide open seas and a vast ocean of flowing tides, with waves that lap up against the shore and invite us to dip our toes

I see the sun casting an amazing show of light and shadow, as she reflects her brightness down upon us

I see contemplators quietly seated on the sands, reflecting over what was

I see hopeful hearts meandering closely to the waters edge, wondering if what they wish for … could be ?

I see lovers embraced warm and tenderly in each others arms, lingering in the moments, as they stand drenched in feelings of love

I see runners in music worlds, moving to the beat of their determination

I see bodies laying in sands, nursing headaches and hangovers

I see gatherings of people sharing in conversation, greeting passers by with a smile and a nod, while gazing upon the horizon

I see birds gracefully swooping and insects busily buzzing around

I see the ever changing cloud formations, that consistently create a variety of different shapes and patterns

I see an orb of light energized by the light of the sun, that keeps playfully appearing within my view

I see a beautiful and wonderful world before me, full of endless other world magic and limitless opportunity and possibility

I see another wonderful journey beginning to unfold …

As one year comes to an end, another year of possibilities await us

I farewell 2015 with mixed emotions, as I reflect over my experiences

This time last year I was conflicted between what was happening in my life and what I wanted to happen. It was New Years eve 2014 and I hadn’t long returned back to Australia from the UK, after spending time with the man I was still in love with, to determine if we were going to gain closure or begin a life together in the UK. The man who claimed to love me too, yet he kept giving me reasons why he couldn’t yet tell his wife that his marriage was over because he was in love with another woman, excuses that continued until April. As the months passed by it became painfully clear that he either doubted our love or was still in love with his wife. So, I decided that I was no longer willing to feel like an option in his life and I certainly didn’t want to continue being the “other woman” …

My heart shattered into pieces when he let me walk away AGAIN, knowing very well how deeply I loved him

Another heartbreak to recover from
Another broken dream
Another hard lesson learned

But I have no regrets because I will always choose to follow my heart and believe in LOVE ♡ regardless of what others may think is best for me …

WHY ?

Because I believe that my heart always guides me towards experiences that serve an important purpose in my growth. The more I trust the process of change, the more I understand that sometimes the things I want, aren’t always what I need, however difficult it is to accept …

Does that make it easier to let go ? … NO

2015 has been another challenging year. I allowed love back into my life, even though I was still recovering from a broken heart. So, another heartbreak literally broke me wide open, but this time I made a different choice. Instead of focusing on mending the broken pieces of my heart, I decided to spend time exploring my truths and looked deeper inside of myself, which brought me towards a completely different experience …

Instead of recovering I was healing ♡

Healer’s outstretched open hand surrounded by random wise healing words on a rustic stone effect background

Reflecting over the year coming to an end, I can’t help but smile, because I understand that sometimes we must experience a loss to gain something much more valuable in its place …

My journal entries highlighted my goals for 2015 …

• To loose weight and get fit (an ongoing battle)
• To move over to the UK and start a new life with the man I love
• To become a Wellness Coach by 2016
• To be a Counselor in Aged Care
• To be a Writer
• To increase my income

What DID I successfully achieve ???

• I got fatter
• I walked away from the man I love
• I focused on my own well being
• I became more frustrated with Aged Care
• I started writing
• I worked less and so earned less

Hmmmmm … things rarely go as planned (wink) hahahaha

“Where our focus goes our energy will flow”

My time and energy was spent on comforting myself through emotional times and regaining a new sense of direction. Writing has become a very important part of my healing process, which has led me towards living a more creative and conscious life and is guiding me in another direction, towards my wildest fantasies and greatest dreams ~~~☆☆☆

I’ve experienced some profound spiritual movements and energetic shifts that have shaken up my world. The more truths I expose, the more hurts I acknowledge and the more fears I confront …

the more OPEN I become to RECEIVE …

“What’s NEW about what I do” ?
What INGREDIENT tastes like me” ?
What’s my FLAVOUR” ?

I think it’s …. the JOURNEY 

My professional and personal development has been an important process of pragmatic thinking and inquiry based learning, which has led me towards experiences that hopefully provide me with a more holistic perspective …

CARING – compassion of HEART
NURSING – physiology of BODY
PSYCHOLOGY – philosophy of MIND
COUNSELLING – communication of EMOTION
MOON / NATURE – flow of ENERGY
and my recent interest …

METAPHYSICAL – experience of CONNECTION

What does this mean for my future 2016 goals ?

… that the JOURNEY continues !!!

As the year comes to an end and I reflect over …

what WAS, what IS and what WILL BE …

I find myself sitting in a familiar place of PAST, PRESENT and FUTURE … but after a past life reading a few days ago, I also find myself in a strange and unfamiliar place of seeking connection to unknown parts of myself

I consider myself fortunate to be surrounded by many women of wisdom, some of which are psychics and mystics, many who are moving away blockages and reopening channels to spirit energies …

So, I excitedly asked a dear and wonderful friend of mine “What can you see for me” ? … which led us towards an unexpected jump to the past and some exciting insights into the future …

She confirmed many of my own knowings about having lived many lives in the UK, where I still have a strong heart connection to the land. It was 17th century self that came through: a woman with long curly auburn hair, green eyes, slimmer than I am now with a well proportioned body (a similar image I’ve had of myself living in another life)

I was from a middle class family, happily married, very much in love, had 2 children (one died), a justice fighter and school teacher, with a strong desire to see the world through different eyes and have different experiences … which is why my eyes changed to the colour blue

I didn’t full fill my life purpose in that life time, hence why she came through … maybe “she” has unfinished business ?

I was told that she walks with me during this lifetime …

Now, there’s a concept that spins me out, if I hold onto the belief that our soul can only be in one place, at one time …

but WHAT IF we can and do exist in other dimensions and therefore be living different realities at the same time ?

Some serious mind blowing WTF possibilities !!!

Keeping my mind open … I listened attentively as she described the images coming to her. My 17th century self, walking through a market square alone, smiling to passers by and feeling happy and content … then my future self walking on a white sandy beach on an island somewhere, feeling the same way … a pivotal moment in time …

As if both parts of myself are walking on an exact parallel

What it means or what message it gives, I guess time will tell ?

Which brings me to some of the future images that came to her …

Traveling to somewhere with snowy mountains soon

A book, spirit suggested I read “Scarlet Fever”

Pretty much going in the same direction and dabbling in similar things for a few more years yet to come

Writing my book about “Love”, which is part of my healing process … I will confront some knock backs and rejections but I wont GIVE UP … and it will eventually be recognized (most likely internationally) … she had an image of a book launch in front of the Sydney opera house. A tall grey haired gent standing proudly beside me

  I will meet the “one” once my book has been written and published at a formal function … I’m wearing a black gown and hes wearing a black suit. Hes tall, dark and handsome and I will know as soon as our eyes meet …

She’s not the first person to tell me that …

Another psychic told me that my “soul mate” won’t come into my life until I am in my late 40s, that my path will lead me towards other men before then because of my need for experience

  Not too long ago, Frenchy had an image of a tall, dark and handsome man coming into my life … and although I can’t picture his face, I do sense this man coming into my life in the future …

But first, I have important work to do myself …

Our conversation opens up some VERY interesting possibilities …

but as I regress over past experiences and work towards the future …

Life … its all about the journey !!!

Me too …

The how, why and when our friendship ended caused me alot of heart hurt. Suffering exaggerated and prolonged by her continued connection with my family & friends …

But just as some relationships come to an end … so do some friendships …

Seasons ♡ Reasons ♡ Life times ♡

I learned many valuable lessons from the unfortunate experience …

I learned how to stand in MY truth, regardless of what other people thought or felt about me.

I learned how to drop the masks and live with more integrity, no matter how uncomfortable it felt.

I learned how to be more authentic in my interactions, regardless of how much it upset the status quo.

But most importantly I learned how to face up to my own BULL SHIT !!!

I may have lost her friendship but I gained so much more in my life because I now see and experience life very differently …

I believe that sometimes we outgrow people, and that’s not only OK, its often necessary.

I think the role people play in our lives needs to change as we do.

I understand that the universe connects and disconnects us on purpose.

I accept that some changes are often not wanted but are always needed.

I believe conflict and tensions occur when we refuse to let go and move on.

I trust the process of change and growth … even though at times I may not always like or want it ♡

“Somewhere over the rainbow”

Once upon a time there was a young girl named Illumine …

She lived in the woodlands with her parents and was known by the villagers as being a wild and wonderful free spirit, who danced with the fairy folk. One blue eye, one green, white porcelain skin, blush pink cheeks and blood red lips. She had long flowing rainbow hair, that she rarely brushed and she never wore shoes because she loved how the earth felt beneath her feet, and how the grass tickled between her toes.

She had a very special gift … that she wasn’t yet aware of

Illumines heart was warm and she loved easily, which attracted both people and animals a like. Her mind was filled with many curiosities and wonderings as she continually questioned the world in which she lived in. She couldn’t understand the anger and the sadness of the world, which is why she preferred to spend time in the forest with the fairy folk. Her soul seemed old and of another time because she had a sense of knowing that guided her through life.

She had a very special gift … that she wasn’t yet aware of

Illumines favourite place to be was outdoors in nature, where the trees grew tall and the waters ran free. She paddled and swam in the streams with the fishes under the night sky, watching the twinkling stars … and she fell in love with the moon. She danced in the wide open meadows as the rains fell from the sky, watching the sun shine through the clouds … and she fell in love with the rainbows. She stood on the mountain tops feeling the wind blowing her wild hair, watching the birds take flight … and she fell in love with their wings. She screamed with each roar of thunder, watching how the lightning bolts lit up the skies … and she fell in love with the heavens.

She had a very special gift … that she wasn’t yet aware of

Something changed when she turned 13 years old, she became aware of the darkness, which seemed to follow her. Colour began to drain from her hair, she lost the sparkle in her eyes and her mood became gloomy. Shadows lurked in the corners of her mind, causing her to lose all sense of reality. Her body soon became infected with the darkness and life began to slowly drain from her. Illumine spoke about how her heart ached with an overwhelming sense of sadness, as if she carried the grief of the world in her heart. She said the fairies had told her that it was her time to show the world why she was here and that she need not be afraid.

She had a very special gift … that she wasn’t yet aware of

Family, friends and fairies surrounded her, each shining a light onto the darkness that was taking her away from this world. Love filled the room as lights shone brighter and brighter around her. She smiled and took her last breath … then something magical happened. Her spirit levitated from the bed and she BECAME the light. The entire room was filled with a warm glow that drifted down onto each and every person, making everyone’s light shine even brighter.

She had a very special gift … that she gave to us

Illumines message was that of LOVE and LIGHT. She showed us that we are more than the body in which we inhabit, that our energy continues to live on in each and every one of us. She showed us that the darkness was the sadness and anger of the world and that it can be healed by our love and light. She reminded us that her energy forever lives on in the stars that sparkle, the moon that glows, the fish that swim, the rains that fall, the rainbows that shine, the wind that blows, the birds that fly, the thunder that roars and the lightening that flashes.

Share YOUR love and light with the world