” the art of pleasing, is the art of deception ” (Luc de Clapiers)

Seems like an odd statement to make …

How can pleasing others be considered deceiving ?

Making people happy is a good thing … right ?

I think its fair to say that we all prefer to please rather than to disappoint, but before we go any further, ask yourself …

WHAT MOTIVATES YOU to please others ?

Is people pleasing a true act of selflessness ?

Or can it also be a selfish act ?

And when does pleasing others become a problem ?

I can already feel the people pleasers squirming in seats, clenching jaws and frowning brows (insert giggle)

I giggle because I know it all too well …

I AM a recovering people pleaser !!!

and as my beliefs & behaviour changes … I confront a variety of new and different challenges

How did my people pleasing behaviour begin ?

I was raised to believe that putting others before myself was a selfless act of kindness… so whenever I considered myself first, I thought I was being too selfish and felt bad about myself

I was raised to believe that as a woman and mother my needs should come secondary to the needs of others … so whenever I considered my own needs first, I thought I was being too selfish and felt bad about myself

I was raised to believe that helping and supporting others is what made me a good person … so whenever I didn’t offer the kind of help and support someone wanted, then I thought I wasn’t being helpful and felt bad about myself

Feeling BAD about myself prevents me from truly LOVING myself …

So, something HAD to change !!!

My previous beliefs made it extremely difficult to say NO to people and speak my truth in the past, and whenever I did say NO and speak my truth, I experienced feelings of guilt and shame

So, HOW do we stop feeling guilty ?

I often refer to our minds as being like a computer, and just as our computers require software upgrades, so do our minds …

Some of our beliefs become OUT DATED !!!

But, HOW do we know when its time to upgrade ?

If our thoughts create our reality, then its our beliefs that shape our thoughts, which influence our emotions, that impact on our energy flow, which creates our experience …

Therefore, our experience of tension and conflict is our first indicator

So, acknowledging the emotion, to determine the thought, will identify the belief that prevents our energy flow …

WHAT IS cognitive dissonance ?

Its when a CORE BELIEF is challenged … when new evidence suggests that the belief we hold is no longer our truth, it creates feelings of extreme discomfort … and to relieve the discomfort we will often rationalize, ignore and even deny anything that rejects the truth of our core belief

A complicated process … perhaps ?

But none the less, its an ESSENTIAL aspect of our change and growth

As I began to take more personal responsibility for my own experiences and become more consciously aware of my own habits and behaviours, the more I continue to question my own thoughts and beliefs …

Saying NO, considering my own needs first, dropping the guilt trips and blame games, confronting conflicting truths with intentions to understand, voicing my opinion with more confidence, living my truth without the need to justify my actions and changing the way I think about how I help and support others, isn’t always easy …

it has and does bring me great discomforts as my experiences change

Because the more authentic I become the less people I please

FACT: being authentic means we ARE going to displease others

FACT: our truth WILL challenge others

FACT: to love ourselves we MUST look at our people pleasing habits

I believe people pleasing becomes a problem when we choose to please others out of fear of being disliked or rejected

I believe people pleasing becomes a bad habit when we do it to avoid criticism and conflict

I believe people pleasing becomes unhealthy when we believe other people are more important than ourselves

Accepting that some people do not and will not like me isn’t something I’m comfortable with, but I’m learning to not take it personally

Accepting that some people must leave my life isn’t something I do easily, but I’m learning to let go of what was so life can become ALL it can be

Accepting that my choices will be disapproved by those who matter most in my life causes me discomfort, but I’m learning to trust my own heart and walk my own path with more confidence

Accepting that other peoples happiness isn’t my responsibility is sometimes challenging, but I’m learning to maintain healthier boundaries

Maintaining healthy boundaries is important for ALL of our relationships and interactions with others and ourselves … because when we start living an authentic life our giving comes from a place of love and not from a sense of duty or responsibility

Acknowledging how we allow others to manipulate us and how we deceive ourselves is important for ALL of our relationships and interactions with others and ourselves … because when we stand in our truths we encourage others to do the same, which cultivates more self love and less unhealthy attachments and dependencies

Can you say NO without guilt ?

Has your NO been respected in the past ?

Does your NO hold power ?

Are your boundaries respected ?

Are your opinions valued ?

Is your body respected ?

Are your feelings validated ?

When we focus on pleasing others, we fail to please ourselves …

Take back the POWER to LOVE yourself

I read a wonderful blog about “Taking back your NO”, by Lisa Vallejos, that inspired me to write about our people pleasing habits … the blog is an emotional story about holding space, sharing experience, healing hurt and supporting truths … well worth a read, so click on the link …

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/07/taking-back-your-no/

 

We live in a world where SEX sells but MASTURBATION shames … something I can’t quite wrap my head around … because masturbation is a common behaviour and a popular habit enjoyed by many, regardless of age or relationship status … yet it’s something that many people are not all that comfortable talking about

I was raised in a loving home by loving parents, but whenever the topic of masturbation or sex came up (usually initiated by yours truly) then tensions in the room certainly increased, and it STILL causes discomforts whenever the topic is raised … heavens forbid if I can bring up the topic of conversation around my 3 children (now aged 18, 19 , 20) … and who wants to imagine older people in nursing homes with any form of sexual need

Hmmmmm … sex is considered to be a basic human need, essential for the survival of our species and pleasure is something we ALL seek … so WHY does it cause so much embarrassment and discomfort and WHY don’t we talk more openly and honestly about it ? … Our teenagers are most likely surfing the net for sexual content to satisfy their curiosities and wonderings … because its just TOO darn uncomfortable to talk about … and not ALL old people have been raised under the strict restrictions of Catholic guilt and shame … many acknowledge and identify with their sexual needs … but they are often shamed and guilted into silence and submission by those who find the topic uncomfortable

As professional helpers can you see the importance of understanding WHY we may prefer to avoid this subject ? … understanding our own attitudes and beliefs is imperative to ensure that we don’t deny the needs of others, based on our own discomforts

 I’ve had many honest and open conversations with people, including the elderly about sex, masturbation, libido and intimacy … conversations that not too many people are willing to engage in, let alone initiate

WHY do people masturbate ? ? ?

HELLO !!! … because it feels good of course … it relieves tensions, supports relaxation, improves mood, helps us to become more familiar with our own bodies, increases sexual pleasure and it can improve relationships

Is it shameful to touch yourself ?

Do you feel guilty for giving yourself sexual pleasure ?

Do you feel uncomfortable talking about masturbation ?

Answers to those questions will give some insight into your own beliefs and attitudes towards sex and masturbation, which will influence your own thoughts, feelings and therefore experiences

But I pose another question …How can we truly love ourselves if we feel negatively about satisfying our own intimacy needs ?

Yes … I AM a masturbating, sexually active woman … who has experienced feelings of shame and guilt

Anyone else ? ? ? … then lets see a show of hands (insert wink)

My experiences of masturbation have been somewhat interesting to say the least, memories that would make me blush with embarrassment whenever my parents brought up funny stories at family gatherings (insert snigger) … I was the kid with ALOT of questions and far TOO many curiosities and wonderings … accidentally stumbling across a place that gave me a tingly sensation at a very young age

Yes, I was that kid rocking back and forth happily in the shopping trolley and on her chair during class and assembly, getting all tingly … at primary school for fooksakes (insert gasp) hahaha … Oh yes, many an embarrassing moment for my parents … so I soon learned that it was NOT something to be done in public, and so I secretly indulged in my tinglings in private, feeling like I was doing something very naughty … which was where the feelings of shame and guilt began

I refer to them as “tinglings” because I never experienced the intensity of a true orgasm until I was 19 years old … which will probably surprise those who know me well, considering I was a child hood rocker (insert snigger n snort)

Have you ever experienced an intensely emotional or energetic shift during love-making ?

Have you ever sobbed during an orgasm ?

Have you ever avoided or denied yourself sexual intimacy to gain a sense of control ?

Have you ever engaged in casual sex to either gain or lose control ?

Have you ever completely let go of all inhibitions and allowed yourself complete sexual liberation ?

Yup … the child with ALOT of questions and TOO many curiosities and wonderings grew up to be a woman with ALOT more questions and many MORE curiosities and wonderings (insert smile)

For me, masturbation now holds a much deeper meaning without the subconscious experiences of shame and guilt attached to it … the energy around self love has shifted and my experiences are changing … masturbation and sex have both become a source of healing as I choose to keep my heart open to new and different experiences

The theory of how the universe was created with the bursting of atoms suddenly takes on a whole new meaning … having recently experienced an orgasm so profoundly intense that I felt it literally changing the cellular structure of my mind … like a burst of light to my conscience and a shot of love delivered directly to the centre of my heart … I held my eyes tightly closed because I was so completely overwhelmed with what was occurring inside of my body … WOWZERS !!!

Then as the orgasm subsided the tears flowed from a place so deep that I had an unnerving drowning sensation … as if I was breathing under water … I laid there for a few moments, alone, with a feeling of complete surrender … and was compelled to LOOK at myself because I felt “different”… so I stood in front of the mirror naked and gazed into my eyes

I seen a softness and vulnerability … I SEEN myself for the person I truly am, instead of being distracted by the imperfections of my body … I witnessed my soul … and as tears ran down my face and love filled my heart I said the words out loud …

I LOVE YOU

It was probably the most profound heart healing Ive had to date

There is no shame in loving yourself

 I used to believe that vulnerability reflected a sense of weakness, fragility, delicacy, powerlessness, incompetence, incapability and inadequacy ..

… but HOW did I come to hold this belief ? ? ?

As a child I was raised to believe that the world was not a safe place for the vulnerable

As a young woman I was taught that I needed to show strength in order to protect myself

As a mother I nurture, protect and defend my children during their vulnerable years

As a woman I’ve experienced hurt when I’ve exposed my vulnerabilities to men I trusted

As a nurse I’ve seen how the aged experience vulnerability ..

So … no surprise WHY it’s a state of being that I’ve tried my best to avoid

But I’m starting to think and feel a little differently about vulnerability. Although I still find it to be an uncomfortable place to sit, especially when I express parts of myself that I’ve usually kept hidden .. its a place I want to sit or stand more often

How DISGRACEFULLY wonderful (wink) hahahaha … Something I love most about myself is how my external experiences often reflect my internal processes … just as my personal experiences often reflect my professional developments … because there’s an openness and honesty about how and why I do what I do

TO BE vulnerable is to be able to stand in and express our truth

TO BE vulnerable is to have the courage to expose who we really are

TO BE vulnerable is being susceptible to harm, hurt, attack, judgment and criticism

TO BE vulnerable takes courage .. but to gain courage we must first be willing to be vulnerable ..

Brene Brown has a lot to say about vulnerability in her book, “Daring Greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent and lead” … I havent read it yet myself, but its on my list of TO DOs

Sitting with our vulnerabilities can be a wonderful source of healing, but its company can be a little uncomfortable and unsettling. I think its fair to say that we tend to feel most vulnerable during times of loss, when our hearts have been broken. Our hurts often causing us to close up, shut down or turn off, to protect ourselves …

… but what if we did the opposite ? ? ?

What IF … when our hearts have been broken wide open we kept them open ?

What if we flowed with the experience and used it as a rich source of healing & growth ?

What if we privileged our heart breaks the same as we do our heart joys ?

What if we felt safe enough to allow ourselves to feel & flow through the hurt ?

What if we shared our deepest thoughts and feelings with others ?

The less fearful I feel about sitting with and exposing my vulnerabilities, the more my thoughts and feelings change about matters of the heart … I now believe that the purpose of our heartaches are not to hurt us, but to remind us about our ability to love … I now believe that our hearts break when we become attached to an expected outcome, that conflicts with our own and someone elses needs and wants … I now believe that the purpose of heart-break is not to disappoint or punish us, but to break our hearts open and teach us about the importance of self-love … I still believe that our biggest motivator is love, but we tend to focus that love towards others instead of ourselves … I still believe that learning to love without attachment is a difficult concept to grasp, but appreciate how it can better serve us … I still believe that although our happiness can be influenced by another, it should never be dependant upon someone other than yourself

VULNERABILITY … is about standing up and being seen 

 

 

There was a time when I thought that finding my soul mate would make me feel whole and complete, because I held the belief that our soul mates were our other half … but WHY did I hold this belief ? ? ?

Because growing up I heard people introduce their partners by saying things like … “this is my other half” … or say things in jest like … “I’m his better half” … I’ve lived in a society that promotes the romance and unrealistic expectations of relationships … and as human beings we are often hard wired to connect, attach and depend upon other people … hence MY belief.

But this belief and thinking reflects that we are less than, that we are not whole. It confines us and holds us back from being all that we can be. So, is it any wonder why we then attract other halves ? … Is it really a surprise why we then connect with those who don’t feel worthy of love ? … Does it really shock us then that our partners seem to be emotionally unavailable ?

After my own experiences and reflections on love I now think very differently about soul mates. I now think that soul mates are MIRRORS that REFLECT our souls. I think they are people who AWAKEN us, providing us with an opportunity to look deeper into ourselves. And I think that we can find such reflections within ALL of our relationships, connections and interactions. A pretty huge shift in thinking that created a NEW belief.

I NOW believe that our soul is attracted to what needs to be discovered within ourselves. An awareness of any subconscious blockages to our own flow and expression of love and light. An experience that exposes our deepest truths … which are our wounds, hurts, fears and scars in need of healing.

In reflection I can now appreciate how my previous relationships reflected how I was feeling about myself, as I found myself confronted with my deepest hurts, fears and insecurities. I’m slowly learning the art of gratitude for those not so wonderful experiences and reflections, but it’s certainly NOT an easy habit to maintain … WHY ? … Because whenever we find ourselves confronted with an ugly truth or a dark shadow that’s been lurking in the depths of our subconscious, we automatically click into survival auto pilot mode … we FIGHT, FLIGHT or FREEZE !!!

When we FIGHT we become defensive, we may feel angry or frustrated, we engage in conflict and we aim to win and conquer those who threaten us …

When we FLIGHT we become anxious, we may feel hurt or upset, we avoid conflict and we aim to escape, run and hide from those who threaten us …

When we FREEZE we become numb, we may feel fearful or overwhelmed, we shut down and we close off to avoid how we think and feel about what threatens us …

So … WHY is it important to become more aware of our automatic responses ? … because that’s often where and how our BAD HABITS are formed. Being more mindful in our interactions we can begin to practice with different responses. So instead of jumping to our defenses in FIGHT MODE and engaging in behaviours that increase conflict, we can focus more on conflict resolution by learning how to communicate our thoughts, feelings, needs, wants and expectations more effectively. Instead of feeding our anxieties in FLIGHT MODE and avoiding conflict by engaging in self destructive behaviours, we can learn how to sit more comfortably with our discomforts. And instead of avoiding ourselves in FREEZE MODE by building up walls to protect ourselves, we can learn how to face our fears with more courage and confidence.

I strongly believe that when we start to take complete responsibility for our own experiences, we start to focus our attention on our own healing and then become more proactive in our own growth.

“Healing ourselves is the ultimate environmental activism, it’s a political act” (Ben Ralston)

So… WHY do others deny or reject our truths ? .. and WHY do I sometimes feel challenged by someone elses truth ? .. in my experience those who have challenged or rejected my instincts have done so because it challenged their own truth .. and my reactions to someone elses truth are generally prompts and insights into my own triggers that need to be acknowledged and healed.

I think its fair to say that we ALL struggle with taking complete responsibility at times. Even those who live a mindful well balanced life require the necessary time and space to be able to respond, instead of react to challenges and conflicts in life. Why do you think the Dali Lama allocates so much of his time to his spiritual practice … to make sure he’s got a grip and has his shit together (wink)

Taking complete responsibility for our own lives IS a habit well worth cultivating … and it will determine whether we have a good life or an AMAZING life !!!

For TOO many years I allowed the opinions of others to influence my experiences because I didn’t completely trust nor believe in myself … so I sought support and followed advice instead of holding myself in the space of discomfort and listening to my own sense of knowing … it then made perfect sense why I was unable to take complete responsibility for my own experiences … SO WHAT CHANGED ? ? ?

MY THINKING !!! … I started to challenge my thoughts and question my beliefs

Before the deconstruction process my mind resembled a fully functional and organized computer system, which helped to make sense of my world. My mind automatically responded to stimulus because of past experiences and understandings, so most of the time I didn’t even need to consciously think … TOO EASY !!!

BUT … the more new experiences I confronted and the more curiosities I had, the more my mind malfunctioned … I would experience OVER THINKING without actually reaching any conclusions or the entire system would SHUT DOWN … I was desperately trying to make sense of my world because what I thought and believed to be true, suddenly did not match my new sense of reality … and so the deconstruction process of my mind began … and it looked something like this …

But for those of us who are technologically challenged … then it probably looked more like that !!!

Oh yes !!! … what a mighty fine mess I found myself in (wink) … I had boxes upon boxes of crap to rummage through … I came across memories on top of old dusty shelves … I stumbled over files and folders filled with feelings … I sorted through experiences from times gone by … I was overwhelmed by STUFF and thought to myself  WTF now ? ? ?

WELL … I then proceeded to organize my shit … and it was BRUTAL !!!

I realized how much I was hanging onto and I learned that many of my thoughts and beliefs were out dated … so my mind went through a spring cleaning … what I love most about our experiences, is how our internal processes often manifest themselves externally … because the more my mind started to declutter, so did my living space

SO … if you struggle with a cluttered mind and are resistant to challenge your thinking or are reluctant to start the deconstruction process … then why not start by sorting through the accumulated crap around the house ? ? ?  … I am learning that the more we take personal responsibility for ALL of our experiences … YES, even the negative and crappy moments inflicted by the behavior of others … then ironically the more control we have over our own lives …

Be CONSTRUCTIVE in your thinking … instead of allowing your thoughts to DESTROY you !!!

As Mothers I’m sure we’ve all asked ourselves this question at some stage, if not frequently. Therefore our self doubting can often become a habit. I’ve been parenting now for 20 years and I can honestly say that those doubts have not reduced because the more I learn, the more there is to learn … its like the NEVER ENDING story (gasp)

The part we play as Mothers may change over the years as the needs of our children change, but the unconditional love remains ALWAYS and FOREVER. Its the adjustments to those changing needs that are often our biggest challenge, especially as we confront our own personal challenges.

Over the years Motherhood has taken me on a wild and wonderful ride but DIVORCE and HORMONES (my teenagers and my own) have certainly been the wildest. And I’m not sure we can EVER really be fully prepared for those kinds of challenges, but its because of those challenges and conflicts that Motherhood now holds a much deeper meaning for me.

The choices I’ve made over the years have taught me valuable lessons, but those lessons often came at a cost. At times I have failed my children and many times I still feel like a failure. I’ve taken lots of guilt trips, played many a blame game and I continue to have doubts and uncertainties as a Mother ¿¿¿¿ … But I think THATS what makes us a good Mother, because our need to BE better motivates us to DO better.

There is NO right or wrong way of being a good Mother. We just love our children and do the very best we can, learning along the way. I open my mouth and my Mother often comes out, her words `I’m learning how to be a Mother just as you are learning how to be an adult`, are often spoken to my cubs as they grow and mature. I always appreciate that kind of honesty from my Mam and her wise words continue to support and guide me on my own journey as a Mother.

Having good support systems in place is ESSENTIAL no matter who we are or what we are doing, but the support and understanding of other Mothers benefits us all. So appreciate the experience and wisdom of your own Mother, seek out Sisterhood support and know that you are NEVER alone in your struggles.

Being a Mother to my 3 young adults has been and continues to be my biggest challenge but also my biggest joy in life. Teaching me so much about love, life and myself. Hindsight being a wonderful thing (wink) … but when we know better we hopefully DO better.

ENJOY the journey because Motherhood is the best ride of LOVE we will EVER decide to take !!

 

SELF LOVE … is a regard for your own well being and happiness. It influences the partner we choose, the relationships we have and how we cope with problems. Its a state of appreciation for ourselves and it grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth.

HOW can we learn to self love ?

BE MINDFUL … about your thoughts, feelings, wants, needs and expectations. The more self aware we are the more we can avoid those self harming behaviours that turn into bad habits.

ACT ON WHAT YOU NEED INSTEAD OF WHAT YOU WANT … love yourself enough to turn away from something that feels good but pulls you back. Love yourself enough to stay strong and centered to what moves you forward. The more self aware we are the more we can avoid automatic behavior patterns that keep us stuck in the past and impede self love.

PRACTICE SELF CARE … take better care of your own basic needs by nourishing yourself daily. Focusing on nutrition, exercise, sleep, intimacy and social interactions. The more self aware we are the better choices we make.

SET BOUNDARIES … know your limits and say NO to anything that may cause you physical, emotional or spiritual harm. Its not only OK to prioritize your own needs, its ESSENTIAL. The more self aware we are the more we avoid situations that bring us unnecessary conflict and discomfort.

PROTECT YOURSELF … rid yourself of ´frenemies´, those friends who take pleasure in your pain and loss rather than your happiness and success. The more self aware we are the better friendship choices we make.

FORGIVE YOURSELF …when we take personal responsibility for our actions we can often punish ourselves. But we must accept our humanness and understand that there are no failures when we learn and grow from our mistakes, and there are no mistakes when we realize that we are given choices to learn and grown from. The more self aware we are the more gentle we become with ourselves.

LIVE INTENTIONALLY … when our intention is to live a meaningful and healthy life then our decisions will support this intention. The more self aware we are the more we move through life with a sense of purpose.

Cultivate the habit of self love and become all you can be !!!

  

A few days on the internet dating playground and it soon became obvious that my game had changed …

After 7 months of celibacy and a broken heart, I thought I just needed to get back out there and have a good time. I thought I needed to satisfy my sexual desires to liberate myself as a woman, instead of feeling like a wounded animal. I thought to move on I needed to let go of the man I love and move forward with a man I want … NOTE TO SELF – Don’t believe everything you think !!!

I like to think of the brain as a complex computer system with its excitable neurons transmitting action potential through the cells of our body, not so different to the electricity that feeds our computers. During my heartbreak there was more feeling than thinking going on, so old programs wired into my brain´s hard drive automatically starting to run previous thoughts that drove and motivated my behavior in the past. However, those belief systems were now out dated, no longer serving me …

SO … time to reboot the system and update the new software.

My heart is much stronger than I had ever imagined because I now have the courage to sit in the depths of my hurting heart and privilege the experience as much as I do my joys. My ego is in no need of rubbing because I know my own worth, it was this knowing that motivated me to walk away from the man I love.

I’m no longer interested in engaging in meaningless superficial chat with men only interested in connecting for a quick fix or escape because my life has depth I no longer wish to escape. I have no interest in rubbing egos with anyone else because my heart now leads the way. I stand in my truth and acknowledge that although my body desires and craves the touch of a man, I want to share this experience with someone I truly connect with …

“A man who does not play games for he holds all others as equal to himself. A man who is open and honest in speaking his truth for he knows to hide his voice is to veil his purpose. A man who has no shame for the love in his heart for he knows to feel is sacred. A man who owns his mistakes and his past, but is not a prisoner to its chain.“

Does this man exist ?   …. not on a dating site (insert wink)