Getting out of our comfort zones is sometimes a choice we make in the hopes of improving our quality of life in some way

As a 41-year-old sexually active woman I decided it was time to close the chapter, reduce my stress about unwanted pregnancy and opt for something more permanent. Having used various contraception over the years and never being completely happy with them, I wanted my body to flow more naturally through hormonal changes and I’ve never enjoyed the feeling of wearing condoms. So after many years of pondering a tuber ligation was the logical step to take

I’ve always been curious but it seems the more consciously aware I become, the more observant I am of my own experiences, which deepens my understandings and allows me to flow more consciously through my discomforts

But my “over thinking” is something I’m both admired and criticised for … I myself prefer to call it CONSTRUCTIVE THINKING (insert wink)

There were a number of discomforts before, during and after my tuber ligation procedure. Being aware of each and every one of them is essential for me to consciously flow through the experience. I believe this is how we reduce the need for healing further down the track because we may have held onto a thought, an emotion or a belief that may block the natural flow as it occurs

We can either choose to move mindlessly through our experiences or we can choose to flow mindfully with them … the choice is ours to make

I believe … being completely present and FLOWING with our discomforts is a habit worth cultivating and a skill worth learning

I believe … ALL of our experiences occur on multiple levels and by exploring those levels, it helps us to identify if we are flowing or resisting

Physical discomfort (body)

Our bodies experience pain and discomfort for many reasons. Increased physical activity, illness, disease, post op or manifested emotional pain (to name a few). How we respond to our discomforts will depend on our beliefs about pain and suffering, which will impact on how we experience it

Does the pain and discomfort exist or persist ? or does it flow and shift ?

Emotional upset (mind)

Our thoughts about an experience will impact on how we feel about it. So, if we believe pain is a negative experience to be avoided, then we will experience it as such. If we believe pain to be just another experience to be understood, then we will experience it in that way. Sometimes our emotional upset is triggered by past experiences, which have been previously blocked out or we may choose to avoid and deny our present experience of pain and discomfort

Does the emotional response match the situation ?

Is the emotional response extreme or is completely nil and void ?

Energetic disturbances (spirit)

After exploring my thoughts and expressing my feelings, I find myself working from this place more often as I become more aware of my own energy blocks. Our chakras are our energy centres that influence ALL of our experiences. If we are aware of any thoughts or emotions and still feel blocked in some way, you can bet ya bottom dollar that there’s an energy blockage somewhere in your being that’s preventing the flow and your healing

Spiritual distress (belief system)

Whenever our present experience is in conflict with our personal beliefs, we start to question and doubt ourselves, which disrupts our entire state of being. We may experience feelings of anger and fear during times of great uncertainty. Making sense of our lives, finding meaning and seeking purpose helps us cope and adjust with this kind of discomfort … this is GROWTH

So … let me walk you through some of my recent discomforts, which may help you with your own process of flowing with discomfort

A straight forward procedure that involves 3 small incisions. Gas is pumped into the belly to inflate the abdomen, which gives the surgeon a better view and more room to work. A narrow tube with a light and camera is inserted into the abdomen and a long thin instrument is inserted to locate and hold the fallopian tube, which are cut and clamped … sounds simple enough ?

A simple enough operation, but I still had a lot of nerves and anxieties. The last time I went under anesthesia was for an abortion when I was 17 y ears old. Some unpleasant memories and uncomfortable emotions that stirred during my pre op consult told me that there was still some energy around that choice. I was also told that being a larger woman there was a higher risk of complications, such as perpetrating the bowel … gulp !!!

Well … that would certainly put a damper on my sex life wouldn’t it !!!

For those living this reality, check out these creative and groovy ideas that will have you rocking the ostomy look

So … before even walking into the surgery I was already well aware of my past hurt that was triggered and my present fear, which were both acknowledged, hence the feelings and anxiety. Getting prepped for the operation the nurse gave it to me straight … “Youre going to be uncomfortable” … BRING IT ON !!!

I have dodgy veins and am overweight so I’m a real challenge with needles, so the first discomfort was being told they had to use a large IV needle … oh heck !!! … I’m well aware that I’m a sooky la la when it comes to pain, but I’m also the woman who will confront and challenge that reality

So when he asked if I wanted a local to numb the hand, I said “No, just don’t wriggle it around too much” … survived it !!!

The next discomfort was being told that because I was a heavy weight I had to hop onto a hover mat and use a ramp on the operating table to lower my head. Feelings of SHAME surfaced to add a nice flavour to the mix. Although I take complete responsibility for my choices and am actively working on reducing my weight … I still feel the shame everytime someone reminds me that I am FAT !!!

 

The hover mat turned out to be very cool and it was kinda fun. Air was blown into it until it enveloped me like a cradle and raised me up. The nurses only needed to push it in the right direction and I was hovered off the trolley and onto the operating table

Made me feel like I was travelling on a magic mat … LOVED it !!!

This was my biggest FEAR !!! … the last time I was in this position I had made another life changing choice during a time when I felt lost. A choice that shook my world and changed the direction of my life. Oh yes, I recall this moment so very clearly, even though it was 24 years ago. I remember feeling scared, vulnerable, confused, alone and like I was about to make a terrible mistake

I had lost my virginity and was having an abortion

 

Ironic … that after all those years, I choose to place myself back on the table ending the chapter as it had begun

I woke up from my abortion feeling very sore, sorry … and empty of life

In reflection … this was my first experience of depression and it was a black hole I avoided back then by drinking copious amounts of alcohol, smoking, comfort eating, nail-biting and casual sex. I lost all respect for myself and self punishment came in a variety of different costumes. A black hole that Ive since been exploring anxiously for years, looking for answers …

Where did it came from ?

Why cant I escape it during times of uncertainty ?

How does is serve to help me ?

What am I avoiding by falling into it ?

Ive been aware for some time now that the abortion was my first real trauma in life and it was my first experience of HEART BREAK …

… but until now I never really comprehended how it also relates to my inability to truly love myself. To love ourselves is to love ALL of who we are and ALL of who we are not  (tears fall and she sobs)

I’ve been feeling very alone in this experience because my usual support network(my Mam and 2 younger sisters) have been over seas and I’ve been pulling back and isolating myself from friends more and more, as I work through my process of healing. So any discomforts I’ve been feeling as I recover from the operation have been intensified, which ofcourse serves a very important purpose in my experience …

As I recover from my tuber ligation … I also heal the source of my heart hurts

We all have hopes and dreams

Many of us even cast our wishes out to the universe, but often become disheartened when those wishes don’t come true. Creating our dreams involves much more than casting out a wish. But manifesting our hearts desire is a process we can all learn

What if I told you that you have the ability to create the life you imagine

What if I told you that you have the ability to live your dreams

I believe this to be true … yet there are still times when I allow sudden changes in direction to knock me off balance. Times when I need to fall down because there is something to be found down there. Times when I need to fail because there is an important lesson to be learned. Times when I need to lose something because its time to let it go. Times when I need to change because I want to grow

Sometimes the change of direction just doesn’t make any sense to us, but in time it does. Knowing this doesn’t make it any easier to adjust to those sudden changes, but in time it does. The more we seek to understand the reason for change, the easier it is to flow with it. With our new understandings our automatic response and way of being also changes … which has created a new habit

… but it’s a process and it takes time

Theres a sense of magic that motivates us to make a wish. As a young child I always believed in magic. I enjoyed watching fantasy movies about fairies, witches, werewolves, dragons and vampires (I still do) because I love how they take me to a familiar place where my imagination carries me away into other worlds where anything and everything is possible

As a grown woman I still believe in magic, but I believe that the magic exists inside of us all. I believe our energy flows with the universe and that’s how we are able to create the experiences we want and need in life

 

Whenever I doubt my ability to manifest my dreams I remind myself about some of the experiences I have already brought forward into reality

For example … I wanted to learn more about the lived and working experiences in Nursing Homes and with that intention my path began to unfold …

I was working in Aged Care as a carer when I decided that I wanted to have more influence in how older people were cared for. I was soon presented with an opportunity to do an Enrolled Nurse scholarship …

… it was the first scholarship offered by our organization

I was working in Aged Care as an EEN when I decided that I wanted to understand the behaviours of those I cared for. I was soon presented with an opportunity to do a Psychology undergraduate degree  …

… I was part of the first group to do this degree at that university

I was studying psychology when I decided that I wanted to expand upon my clinical knowledge and objective truths because I wanted to learn more about subjective realities. I was soon presented with an opportunity to do a Counselling postgraduate degree …

… I was part of the first group to do this degree at that university

I was studying counselling when I decided that I wanted to know how to better support older adults in Nursing homes so I wanted to know what they needed. I asked if I could volunteer my time to do Group therapy sessions  …

… it was the first time it had been done  in that facility

A coincidence ? .. Fate ? .. or did my intentions manifest the opportunities ?

 

Those of us with a hunger for experiences

Those of us with a thirst for knowledge

Those of us who continue to question what is

Those of us who challenge the norms

Those of us with a desire to do more

We are the trail blazers …

… and the universe wants us to dream big because that’s how we evolve. Its how we reach our full potential and that’s how our world changes

The first step in manifesting our hearts desire is to WRITE IT DOWN !!!

The writing process helps to identify what we think and how we feel. Writing helps to  clarify what we want and it directs our goal planning. Writing helps us to be clear about our intentions, which energizes the manifestation process

 Be CREATIVE and don’t hold back on your creative expression because that’s how we tap into our passion, which motivates and inspires us. When we believe in what we want so much, then it has no choice but to materialize

But what if you believe in your dream and yourself but it still isn’t manifesting ?

Sometimes the door isn’t what we expected it to be

Sometimes the door opening up to new possibilities is our own mind

Sometimes the door isn’t what others can do for us but what we can do for ourselves

We often believe that something external to ourselves is blocking us, when the truth is WE are often the obstacle because of how we think, feel and respond to the challenges or conflicts we confront

Obstacles  do not block the path because they ARE the path

Obstacles are put in our way to challenge us, to test us, to see how much we want the dream

Obstacles do not stop us because they are the stepping stones towards success

When it comes to manifesting our dreams we WILL confront many obstacles and the most challenging is ourselves. The biggest mistake we often make when manifesting our dreams, is not doing the inner work needed to clear out any blockages that may be preventing us from creating the dream

So … what internal experiences could be blocking the manifestation process ?

Our IMPATIENCE  and  EXPECTATIONS of when and how it happens can often be our biggest obstacle. It can become a little frustrating when we feel like our dreams are taking forever to manifest

 But be assured that when our mind and heart is set for creating something new and we follow that intention with love and passion …

… then it WILL manifest in its own time

Our THOUGHTS and BELIEF that once we create our dream that it will take away the uncomfortable feeling of not having it can be another obstacle we may confront. We experience this whenever we want something we believe we do not already have. So learning to be OK if our dreams do not manifest allows us to let go of having it, which activates a higher level of consciousness … this is a GIFT

Our EGO can often pull us off the path by questioning and doubting ourselves. During our wait we may experience feelings of disappointment, fear, anger and envy when what we want doesn’t happen when and how we expect it to

That is when our gift becomes our GUIDE towards living the life of our dreams

We begin to manifest our dreams easier by getting out of our own way

When we believe that whatever we have set our heart and mind to already exists and that it’s already here. We begin to LIVE the dream

 

Dream it .. Imagine it .. Believe it .. Action it .. Create it .. Live it

 

Have you ever wondered WHY we dream ?

I believe … our dreams are gifts given to us by something far greater than us

I believe … our dreams are previews into a future we are here to create

I believe … the universe conspires to breathe life into our dreams

But it wasnt so long ago that I was feeling stuck and it seemed like some of my dreams were not going to come to life. So, I reflected over the process to determine where I was holding myself back and to identify how I was standing in my own way

Did you DREAM it ? … then its YOURS to create

Can you IMAGINE it ? … then YOU have the vision to create

Do you BELIEVE it ? … then YOUR mind has accepted it as your truth to create

Are you ACTIONING it ? … then YOUR energy provides the motivation to create

Asking myself those questions, I determined that I didn’t believe in myself, which was blocking the energy needed to create my dreams. Life was challenging me and so my fears and doubts increased. While I was healing a hurting heart I allowed myself to be influenced by the opinions of others. I became overwhelmed by negativity, criticism, doubt, mockery and misunderstanding. I began to think that my dreams were something I was unable to achieve. I was feeling defeated

 How could I breathe life into my dreams when life had left me breathless ?

How could I believe in myself when others doubted me ?

Perhaps that was my lesson ? Maybe life was challenging me as a way to bring me to my own attention ? Was it possible to learn and grow if my heart had not been broken wide open ?  What if things needed to fall apart so I could rebuild myself ?

I believe … when we start to trust the process of change, our experience changes

I believe … our failure is just as important as our success

I believe … we learn most from our challenges and conflicts

I believe … our growth is only possible when we follow our heart

My heart has led me down some challenging paths. Sometimes the road has been bumpy and I’ve learned some very hard lessons through some very hurtful experiences, but those lessons have served me well. Because following my heart leads me closer towards my truth, which has always been and always will be essential to my own change and growth

I LIVE as passionately as I LOVE and that is my purpose

I want to inspire, encourage and support others to follow their DREAMS

I want to inspire, encourage and support others to IMAGINE how life could be

I want to inspire, encourage and support others to BELIEVE in themselves

I want to inspire, encourage and support others to take ACTION towards living and loving life for all it can be

I want to inspire, encourage and support others to CREATE a life with more love and less fear

Our dreams sometimes manifest in ways we don’t understand, but by asking these questions we can usually determine where we are blocking ourselves

Are we being clear about what we do and do not want ?

Do we have any thoughts, beliefs, emotions or energy blockages that need to be acknowledged and released ?

Are we resisting the necessary changes that are essential to allow our dreams to be manifested ?

Honour your own process of change and growth and be gentle with yourself

and NEVER give up on YOUR dreams

Our understanding of something will generally relate to how we DEFINE it, because our definitions attach meaning that helps us to make sense of something

 How we define something will influence how we THINK about it …

… and how we think about it will impact on how we EXPERIENCE it

After my recent conversations about the conflict and challenges I’ve been experiencing in my life, I decided to look a little deeper into the possibility that my feelings of being stuck could be related to my own resistance

So, I slipped into my Dora the Explorer shoes and explored my own definitions …

As I looked at some of my own understandings and experiences, I realized that perhaps it was my expectations that were causing some resistance and keeping me stuck ?

 

 Expectations are like our fears, we ALL have them, but they often lie just beneath the surface, influencing our automatic responses. If we mindlessly move through our days, we are often oblivious to the impact they are having on our everyday choices and experiences. So, lets look at our expectations …

Have you ever attended a show and been disappointed by the performance ?

Have you ever been rejected for a job you were sure you would get ?

Have you ever hoped for more and received less ?

Have you ever had a plan of action that failed ?

Have you ever imagined a future with someone you loved but lost them ?

Have you ever fallen in love but had to let them go ?

It’s a natural response to be disappointed or hurt when things don’t go to plan … but is it a realistic expectation to move through life without having any expectations ?

We may avoid disappointment and hurt if we don’t expect anything … but can we achieve great things without raising the level of our expectations ?

Not everyone will live up to our expectations … but if we don’t expect to be treated with respect will we be respected ?

How can we achieve our wildest dreams if we don’t expect them to come true ?

I can see how our expectations can prevent us from accepting and appreciating WHAT IS … but it’s not so easy to accept the unexpected or be prepared to accept those things that hurt or disappoint us

“Grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change. COURAGE to change the things I can. WISDOM to know the difference” (Serenity pray)

We are not always going to get it right. Ultimately, we are going to suffer consequences of any choice we make. Our expectations will change as we do. Change and growth is therefore an ongoing learning process

As a woman I have very high expectations of myself and I’m my own biggest critic, but I’m learning how to become my own best friend and biggest supporter, instead of beating myself up with the critic stick whenever things go wrong or change direction … it’s a process

As a single woman I’ve often compared my experiences of love to those who appear to be in satisfying relationships, with an expectation that true love lasts forever, but I’m learning that not everyone grows in love together … it’s a process

As a divorced mother I often allow myself to be influenced by how others understand and experience motherhood, instead of trusting the flow of my own change and growth. I’ve carried my mothers guilt as a form of self punishment for not living up to mine or others expectations, which is a mighty heavy burden to carry, but I’m learning how to be more gentle with myself as I change and grow … it’s a process

As a nurse with a dream of improving lived experiences and empowering the elderly in Nursing Homes, I continue to confront obstacles and challenges that cause me discomfort, but I’m learning how to become part of the solution instead of being consumed by the problem … it’s a process

Everything happens for a reason …

… even our disappointments, failures, rejections, heart breaks and losses ALL serve a very important purpose in our life experience and our souls quest for growth

WHAT IF our lives don’t turn out the way we had hoped because life has MORE to teach and offer us ?

 I believe our plans constantly change because WE DO

and so the journey of LOVE continues …

 

 

 

 

 

Do you ever feel like a duck treading water ?

Those times when we are confronting many or major challenges, when life is changing and times are stressful, when we feel completely overwhelmed. When we appear to have our shit together on the surface, yet people are totally oblivious to us paddling like fuck trying to keep our heads above the water

WHAT IF we stopped paddling ? …

… 1 of 3 things could happen and ALL depend upon OUR choice of action

we could TENSE up, sink to the bottom and DROWN

we could RESIST, splash around frantically and continue to STRUGGLE

or we could RELAX, float on our backs and ENJOY THE RIDE

Hmmmm … when it comes to my own experiences of fear, hurt, depression, anxiety, loss, rejection or failure it’s not so easy to RELAX into the thoughts and feelings that often accompany such experiences, hence my STRUGGLE

 Apparently, we privilege our experience of NOW by being more AWARE, whether it be of our feelings, our thoughts or our surroundings …

… but WHAT IF our experience of NOW is shitty and uncomfortable ?

It’s easy to flow and relax into positive experiences, while having the ability to think positive thoughts and being able to flow with positive feelings. But the real challenge is learning how to flow and relax into negative experiences WITHOUT tension, resistance, avoidance or denial …

It’s during times of discomfort that our HABITUAL RESPONSES will often surface. Our defense mechanisms and coping strategies reflected in our choice of action …

 WHAT DO WE DO ? … We light the cigarette, pour the drink, eat too much, don’t eat at all, pull back from people, seek out people, hide in our beds, become more social, sleep too much, don’t sleep at all, bite our nails, run, walk, write, read, draw, have sex, masturbate, blame others, blame ourselves, put things into perspective by comparing our experience with others …

We generally will DO whatever we can to shift the discomfort and feel better. But when we shift our discomfort without understanding it, it will only resurface with more intensity during another challenge or conflict

 Even with this understanding I’ve still been feeling stuck, blocked, restless and completely fucking FRUSTRATED !!!

? ? ? WHY ? ? ?

Hmmmm (she ponders) … is THIS my problem ?

I can relate to the quote being a woman who is striving to LIVE the life she IMAGINES. A woman constantly moving towards accomplishing her goals, while juggling multiple roles and responsibilities. A woman who BELIEVES that she deserves to LIVE her dreams, regardless of the obstacles

RESISTANCE is something I feel, so WHERE is coming from ?

 

I believe … ACCEPTING that our past experiences and future hopes impact upon our experience of NOW is the first step to CHANGING any discomforts or conflicts

I think … DENYING this truth only prevents us from understanding what influences our experience and therefore keeps us stuck in our discomforts or conflicts

Over the years I’ve been learning how to observe my thoughts and be more mindful of my thinking, in attempts to identify any beliefs that no longer align with my wants and needs. I’ve been focusing my attention on my own habits and behaviour in attempts to make better choices. I’ve been allowing my feelings to flow as I stand in and express my truth. I strive to keep myself open to change by focusing my time and energy on healing any hurts, that may be preventing me from moving forward

BUT I still feel stuck … WHY ? ? ?

I used to think that once we became comfortable sitting with our discomforts that something would change. But I found that the more I sat with my discomforts the more comfortable I became sitting with them. This kind of thinking didn’t remove my discomforts, it only increased my ability to be able to BE PRESENT with them

I now ask HOW do I move through and LET GO of my discomforts and conflicts

Something I love about women, is their willingness to SHARE their wisdom and SUPPORT others on their journey. A dear friend held space for me to help me explore some relationship challenges and conflicts. During our discussion I became aware of how the appraisal of my feelings were still reinforcing the belief that my feelings were wrong, not valid or justified. We also identified that I unconsciously attached to some feelings as a form of self punishment (insert gasp)

With this sudden new awareness now popping into my consciousness, it automatically CHANGES my experience as I become more mindful of my thoughts and more aware of my feelings, that may influence my behaviour. Of course this raises MORE discomfort as I begin to process and feel my way through this new realization. My dream state reflected a shift in consciousness, which I always find very exciting and extremely interesting …

My dream was about my teeth crumbling and falling out, followed by my jaw coming away from my face. I recall not feeling pain nor fear, but I was shocked and didn’t understand what was happening …

According to dream analysis a broken jaw reflects a sense of loosing a grip on life, reassessing plans because things aren’t going to plan. What I found VERY interesting was how the dream analyst spoke about how the chosen path taken for career growth suffers primarily due to poor economy, but that this must happen for my own mental and spiritual growth … WTF ? … serious goosey bump moment reading those words. Teeth falling out reflects state of anxiety during radical change, feelings of helplessness and a lack of control over life circumstance and experiences of loss. My dreams raised important questions …

Will I continue to maintain my direction long term, will I make small adjustments or will I take a totally different path ?

How willing or able am I to tolerate the discomfort and tension of the situation I’m in ?

What do I need TO DO to better align with my life and priorities ?

Reminding myself to be patient and compassionate with my changing self is something I need more support with. Learning how to truly love myself for ALL of who I have been, am and will be is sometimes no easy quest and can be quite the adventure …

I am a work in progress … and that is OK

With new realizations and insights I am able to consciously make different CHOICES, which then create opportunities for different experiences

A mind-blowing concept to grasp isn’t it … that WE are in complete control over our experiences, that WE have the ability to create any reality we can imagine, that WE only need identify our resistance to change, that WE just need to make a different choice to have a different experience, that WE are our only limitation

Are YOU open to receive what you want ?

I wrote this in my “CONNECTION” blog a few months ago … 

“To fully appreciate our connection with others we must first honestly identify our own wants and needs … because the more honest we are with ourselves the more we attract with energies that better satisfy our needs, better fulfill our wants and better serve our growth …The universe will connect us with those who are attracted to our energies and we will be attracted to others in the same way … some will connect to our body because they are attracted to how we look … some will connect to our mind because they are attracted to how we think … some will connect to our heart because they are attracted to how we love … some will connect to our soul because they are attracted to who we are … and some will connect to us on ALL levels because they are attracted to YOU for ALL of who you are”

… and I find myself pondering over CONNECTION again

WHAT IF … my feelings of unrest is related to my connection with myself and my experiences of love then being a reflection of that sense of connection ?

As I reflected over my previous intimate connections with men a pattern emerged …

WHO I was attracted to and WHY, which influenced HOW I experienced LOVE

 I learned a long time ago after lots of frustrations and many disappointments, that my happiness is not dependant upon anyone other than myself … Experience has taught me that conflicts within a relationship most certainly reflect our own internal conflicts … So, I created an image to clarify the different levels of love to help make sense of my connection to self and others and identify any experiences of internal conflict or disconnection …

My first “falling into love” experience was with my husband to be when I was 18 years old. I was physically attracted to him, so we connected intially on a sexual level. But he also made me feel safe and secure during a time when I was lost, due to emigration to Australia with my family that literally turned my world upside down and inside out. My love for him deepened over time as we raised our family together, but the more I started to find myself, the more we seemed to drift apart. I started to feel like my need for change and growth was being compromised and so our 11 year marriage eventually ended. Parenthood keeps us connected and its a love I’ve never fallen out of, it’s just changed …

Adjusting to those changes involve ALOT of ongoing self-reflection

After my divorce I was single for about 7 years and although I met many wonderful men and experienced love, I wasnt willing to fall into love with anything less than extraordinary … I wanted more than a sense of safety and I needed to feel more than the twitching in my loins

My second “falling into love” experience was unexpected, not to mention complicated. He was an old friend, in an unhappy marriage who lived at the other side of the world. The distance meant that we connected on an emotional level and my heart was awoken, but it was a long and winding road with far TOO many bumps. We disconnected and reconnected a few times over 7 years because of our unwillingness to let go. Eventually I walked away and am still moving through the process of letting go after a recent reconnection and yet another bumpy ride. TOO many complications and the recognition that he could never really love me in the way I deserved to be loved. A tragic tale of love, about two people destined to connect and awaken but who were never meant to be together. A love I havent yet fallen out of, but it’s changing …

Finding the lesson and healing my hurts is still an ongoing process … HOW do you let go of a love that never was yours to begin with … HOW do you gain closure from a relationship that never was ?

 

 My third “falling into love” experience was during a disconnection with my 2nd love, with a man who stimulated my mind. We connected on an intellectual level and I was attracted to how he expressed himself through the written word. He was a beautiful man with a childlike wonder, who helped me to see the world through a different lens, which opened up new and wonderful perspectives. An intriguing man with an unfortunate past that created walls and barriers, which I was unable to break through. I started to feel like my need for intimacy was being compromised and so our 18 month relationship eventually ended because I needed MORE than companionship

 

My fourth “falling into love” experience was a recent intense and brief encounter, during a time of healing. I was attracted to his energy and our chemistry was something I’ve never experienced before. It was a connection that shifted lots of emotion around during a time of intense heart hurt. But recent conflict has forced me to confront myself before I loose myself. I am a woman without inbetweens. I am either ALL in or not at all

I used to believe that true love was about meeting our soul mates and living happily ever after … but then LIFE happened and my experiences have certainly changed my beliefs about love. I now believe that WE are our own true love and that our life lessons are our soul mates. I believe that we are destined to connect with those who teach us something about ourselves because its our lesson to learn. I believe nothing lasts forever when our intention is to learn and grow. I believe that we connect with others to awaken or let go of something. I believe that finding the reasons for our connections, attractions, loves and losses is challenging because it forces us to confront ourself

 How do YOU think, feel, connect and love YOURSELF ?

WHAT IF our progressive spiritual growth depends upon our love connections ? ? ?

WHAT IF we opened ourselves up to love instead of closing our hearts in fear ? ? ?

WHAT IF we believed that what we need is what we deserve ? ? ?

WHAT IF we are destined to connect with many souls in our life time ? ? ?

If I had listened to others who cared for me, those who wanted to guide me in other directions to avoid hurts, instead of trusting my own instincts, then I certainly wouldn’t be the person I am today. I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I have learned. I wouldn’t have the insights I can now see. I wouldn’t have the depth of understanding I now understand. I wouldn’t have the questions I now ask

I AM a woman who seeks experiences and so I will always be attracted to those connections that make me feel, think or see something I never have before …

I AM a woman who will compromise my wants for those I love but not if it means compromising what I need … because I am learning to trust, believe and LOVE myself enough to let go of anything that no longer serves my growth

I AM a woman falling into love with HERSELF

 

Today .. I’m feeling a little emotional as I physically LET GO of some emotional attachments to the past. I’ll be honest, I wasnt expecting to feel this way … I mean who cries over a book-case and a dismantled bed for fooksakes ? ? ?

        

Someone who appreciates the sentimental value of our belongings

Someone who remembers buying them with her husband as they began their life together and became a family

Someone who believes that our energies are transferred into those things we love

Someone who has many memories attached to them

I sat at my sisters place the other day. Her daughter in the chair fiddling with her phone, pretending not to be listening to what we were yakking on about. Her son in his bedroom chatting to my son about computer games. Her dogs sitting at the back door waiting patiently for their evening meal. Her cat prowling around the house being mischievous. Her husband busying himself in the back yard …

… and my heart ached a little

Dont get me wrong, I have no regrets about my life choices … but letting go of those final pieces of furniture, reminded me of how we can sometimes become attached to how we think our lives should be, instead of embracing ALL of what our life could be

I’ve been consciously moving through my own process of healing. Letting go of all the hurts and disappointments that keep pulling me back from living the life I want. And the more I do … the more I want to let go and free fall into life

When we focus our attention on our own thinking, feeling, being and doing … we begin to realize how our own thoughts, emotions, beliefs and behaviours influence our experiences … we begin to understand how we are holding ourselves back … and we begin to experience a sense of freedom when we LET GO

I imagine a life with less attachments and more connections

I imagine a life with less excuses not to and more reasons TO DO

I imagine a life with less baggage that holds me back and more freedom to let me go

I imagine a life with less unstimulating routines and more wonderful adventures

I imagine a life with less stress and more excitement

I imagine a life with less fear and more LOVE

CHANGE was something that made me feel uncomfortable … but WHY ? ? ?

Because I grew up in the UK where nothing much changed, so I felt very protected and safe surrounded by familiarity and security. My first BIG change happened when I was 17 years old, when I emigrated to Australia with my family. It was a shock to the system and wasnt experienced as a positive, because I struggled to find my way and lost myself in the process of change

Hence, my fear of change …

When we choose to live a more conscious life then one thing is for certain, change will be consistent. I can honestly say that I no longer fear change … I CRAVE it !!!

Seeking truths, finding answers and coming to new understandings is all about asking the right questions, and being the curious woman I am, I LOVE questions … So, I get very excited when people ask me those important and meaningful questions that make me STOP and REFLECT

“What is LOVE to you” ? …

 … was the question my Mam asked me during a recent conversation we were having about my love life

Being a woman who has loved many I sometimes struggle to understand who, why, when and how I love the men in my life … My automatic response was, “it varies and has multiple levels”, which only caused even more confusion (insert giggle)

So, I pondered and gave the question some more thought, because even though I have an inner knowing about my feelings and experiences around love, it wasnt so easy to explain

LOVE … means many different things to many different people, and it’s a feeling that’s often difficult to describe and explain … so this is my attempt of explaining what love means to me

For me, the love I have for my children is the DEEPEST and TRUEST love I’ve ever experienced … it’s a love and connection that remains strong, regardless of time and space … Theres something kind of wonderful about making, carrying and raising a child … But, however prepared we may think we are, nothing quite compares us for this journey … Like many of us, I tend to learn most from the experiences as they unfold … Motherhood definitely continues to be my biggest teacher and lesson of unconditional love

 For me, the love I feel for my family remains CONSTANT and CONSISTENT, regardless of challenges and conflicts … Although our life experiences often result in uncomfortable changes, there’s always been a sense of acceptance and respect for our differences and who we are as individuals … The love of family provides me with a strong sense of connection, comfort and security and continues to be my biggest teacher and lesson on attachment

For me, the love I feel for my friends also remains CONSTANT, but challenges and conflicts often CHANGES our connection … Some friendships fade, while others strengthen and deepen … Over the years my circle of friendship continues to change as we do, but when a strong connection is formed, it’s usually a forever kind of bond … Friendship continues to be my biggest teacher and lesson in diversity

My experience of romantic love has been and continues to be FOREVER CHANGING, based on my own growth and therefore dependant upon my own wants, needs and expectations … I’ve been doing ALOT of reflecting upon my previous heart connections as I focus on understanding myself and healing heart hurts … My romantic and intimate connections continues to be my biggest teacher and lesson in self-love

Why do we fall in love ?

Understanding why our hearts connect with someone is the key that unlocks deeper understandings into ourselves, and why we therefore choose a certain relationship

… which leads me to SELF LOVE

I used to believe that I didn’t fall in love easily, which isn’t true … I actually fall in love often and love LOTS of things about life … because for me, love isn’t just about the feelings between a man and a woman … love is whatever is in my heart …

… and I hold ALOT of love for MANY different things in my heart

I hold the love for my nearest and dearest … and fall in love with them more with each passing year … because the more experiences we share together, the more depth and substance it gives our connection

I hold the love for my passions and interests … because they are what give my life meaning and provides me with a sense of purpose

I hold love for people … for all those who are brave enough to be themselves, in a world trying to make them something else … for all those who pay it forward … for all those suffering and for all those aspiring

I hold love for the magic and wonderful wildness of nature and animals … every time I’m confronted with something beautiful … and each time I’m reminded that I’m guided and supported by the universe … I fall in love with life that little bit more

  BUT … I’ve always been my biggest critic and therefore havent really loved myself in the way I truly deserve … my understanding of self-love has and continues to change ALL of my experiences … which at times can be confronting, challenging and uncomfortable … because to love ourselves more, we must be willing to LET GO of everything that holds us back from doing so (people, things, beliefs etc.)

 LOVE is true when its unconditional

LOVE feels secure when its constant and consistent

Challenges and conflicts changes our LOVE connections

LOVE is forever changing depending upon wants, needs and expectations

I’ve been trying to finish a blog entry based on a question I was asked recently …

“What is love to you” ? …

… but my self reflection stirred up some very uncomfortable thoughts and opened up my heart to some very intense emotions, when I suddenly found myself confronted with several challenging situations all at once (a hurting child, financial stress, work conflict and heart challenges) … and like any bad habit, several of the buggers rose their ugly heads at once, in attempts to “help me cope” (hmmmm)

How do you cope during unexpected challenges and conflicts ?

Are you aware of your automatic coping mechanisms during times of stress ?

Do you reflect over your habits and behaviours ?

 I have a habit of thinking TOO much (insert wink) … and so I’ve given ALOT of thought to those questions

When I feel anxious or worried I chew on my fingers and bite my nails

When I feel stressed or overwhelmed I reach for booze, cigarettes and sex

When I feel depressed or emotional I comfort eat

When I feel alone or have low self-esteem I seek out male attention

Ofcourse, I also engage in more positive coping behaviours, but this blog is about the uncomfortable truth about how I’ve leaned on bad habits to cope with challenging life experiences … the habits I’ve been consciously working on changing over the past 10 years … and the very same habits that ALWAYS surface during challenges or conflicts

SO … Whats changed ? ? ?

My biggest accomplishment is that I’ve finally successfully kicked the smoking habit (HURRAY for me) … but I still “think” about it during times of stress and have reached for it during emotional break down mode, but it no longer provides me with the same sense of comfort or relief … It now makes me feel physically ill, which triggers off an entirely different reaction, making it much easier to STOP the behaviour before it becomes a habit

I still chew on my fingers, especially when I watch scary movies, which suggests there’s a strong relationship to fear … but when it comes to stress, I now recognise that when I start to nibble I need to self-care … and when I mindfully manage my stress better, I automatically don’t engage in the behaviour … the condition of my fingers has become a GREAT visual indicator of how well I’m coping

I very rarely drink to escape or avoid my reality anymore, because I’m actively working on creating the life I want to live … However, I still indulge in a few glasses of wine to help me relax … but I’m mindful of when and why I over indulge … so if I ever find myself reaching for the booze during times of stress, I usually end up talking myself out of it because of my self-awareness … but there are times when I tell myself … “Screw you” … and over indulge during my moments of misery anyways … because I am a human BEING who ever she is, based on whatever she is thinking

WHY damn it WHY ? … comfort eating is STILL my most challenging habit to beat … because temptation is EVERYWHERE … and so how well I do depends greatly upon my state of mind … some days I get it right and other days I don’t

It wasnt all that long ago that my heart was broken … and making a conscious decision to keep my hurting heart open to experiences, instead of pining over a love lost, I went back onto the online dating site

Ofcourse, this was also about fulfilling my intimacy needs as well as my need to still feel desired, wanted and worthy of love … but I’ve tired of the endless interest from those seeking sex … and I find myself fleeing from those seeking love

Its become apparent that its neither sex nor love I’m looking for

My ego obviously no longer drives me because I no longer seek attention … my heart wants and needs CONNECTION

Perhaps … that’s because my focus is loving myself more ?