I’m feeling a lack of authenticity because I wasn’t smiling when I posted “Keep smiling”

So, why did I post it ?

I posted it because I noticed how our smiles were the same. I posted it because no matter what Mam kept smiling. I posted it because no matter what I also keep smiling.

But I also keep it real !!!

I don’t want to impress by sharing only on the positives. I want to inspire you with the truth. I don’t want to comfort you with half truths. I want to challenge you to love the negatives.

Because if we’re truly embracing our TODAYS then we are living and loving ALL of it !!!

Although I believe that Mam is with us in spirit, I still flow with the waves of my grief. Although I trust the process of change, I sometimes struggle with the flow. Although I respond to the whisperings of my soul, I sometimes feel challenged. Although I follow my heart, I’m still balancing my energy and healing my wounds.

For me, writing is part of my healing process. I write to make sense of my world. I write to express and explore my inner most thoughts and feelings. I write to connect with myself and others. I write because I’m called to write.

So, how am I really feeling tonight ?

Tonight I’m not feeling as strong as I seem.

This contract has it’s challenges, as they all do, but I’m also flowing with memories as they pop up. Inbetween the professional, I acknowledge the personal. So, on my breaks, I write because it helps me to process my experiences.

As a sharer, I feel it’s important to be authentic with my offerings, so I drop the mask.

This afternoon, my insides were unsettled and I’ve been cramping. My periods are coming but they haven’t yet arrived. A hot bath usually soothes, but tonight the heat only increased my discomfort. So much so, that I had to get out.

Laying on the bathroom floor, I felt the blood flowing rapidly through my body. As I lay there I was aware of my life force pulsating, but my heart was pumping blood way too fast, so I focused on my breath. As I lay on the cold hard floor, a thought flowed through my mind.

I thought about Mam’s life force leaving her body, cold and lifeless. A thought that brought sadness to the surface. As I cried, I rolled into the foetal position and allowed myself to feel.

In that moment I felt far from strong.

In truth, I needed Dave. I wanted to feel the comfort of his presence, but we are apart and I’m missing him. To be honest, although I share my thoughts and feelings openly, I still struggle with my sense of vulnerability in relationship.

This is the kinda stuff I usually journal, but every now and then, I’m called to share my inner most thoughts and feelings because someone somewhere needs to read it. To know that they’re not alone in their struggle. Perhaps I share so I don’t feel so alone in mine?

As my body flows with the energy of Universe, I feel a deeper sense of connection and a stronger sense of purpose. I don’t fully understand but I trust the process and surrender to the flow. Knowing that all will be known in divine time. Until then, I allow my thoughts and emotions to rise and fall without resistance … and FEEL ❤

Today, is another significant day for my family. This time last year it was Mam’s funeral. I’m sorry to say that it wasn’t the celebration of life that she deserved. Alas, it wasn’t possible for us to celebrate her life when our hearts were so heavy with loss. Most of our family and alot of Mam’s friends live in the UK, so there were alot of people missing that day. We did the best we could, but it was far from easy.

Most of all we missed Mam’s ability to turn a funeral into a cause for celebration. You see, Mam had a gift of bringing love and laughter to any and all situations. She had an energy that infected the room with smiles. She had the ability to lighten the darkest of moods. Those of you who knew Mam know what I’m talking about. She was a blessing to our lives because she really was some kinda wonderful, which is why she’s missed by so many of you.

But I feel it important to remind you all, that she isn’t missing from our lives. Although I flow with waves of grief, having lost the physical presence of my beloved Mother, I still feel her.

Although I miss being able to talk with my Mam, our conversations continue. Although I miss my Mam’s hugs, I still feel the warmth of her love. Although I miss my Mam’s physical presence, her spirit is still here, there and everywhere. Although I miss my Mam, I focus on what’s changed, rather than what’s missing.

Today, is a significant day for someone else too. My cousin lost her beloved daughter the year before we lost Mam. A synchronicity that captures my attention. I’ve been writing about conversations with spirit. This morning I wrote my first outline for a book and spoke with my collegue about it. Having lost her beloved Dad some years ago, she resonated with my words.

Today, I read Mam’s words in my facebook memories and I share them with you. Truth is, Mam and I have always challenged each other. She continues to challenge me in spirit, and no doubt she still wants to censor me at times 🤣

Both of us unafraid to express and share our truth. Having had different life experiences we learned from each other, but she was my role model in life. She continues to teach me in spirit and I’m so very grateful for her presence.

Today, I got caught in the rain. As others were covered in hoods, huddled under umbrellas and hurrying for undercover, I took my time. As the rain poured down onto me, I laughed because the rain felt so damn good on my skin. I smiled because the joy in my heart made me feel happy to be alive.

Today, one year later, I still cry when I gaze upon your photos and read your words, but my heart feels able to celebrate you more than mourn you. I believe that death isn’t the end, it’s just another beginning. So I embrace TODAY

I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER ❤

Still feels like a bad dream to wake up from 😞

Perhaps that’s the point ? Maybe loosing someone awakens us to deeper truths ? Perhaps the purpose of loss is to learn the truth of unconditional love ? Maybe death comes to teach us how to overcome our sense of being seperate from each other ? Perhaps the gift is to connect us to spirit and Source ?

What if we didn’t fear death ?
What if we didn’t suffer loss ?

Are my questions foolish ?
Are my wonderings radical ?
Are my curiosities pointless ?

Do my questions make you think ?
Do my wonderings make you wonder ?
Do my curiosities make you curious ?

I hope so ❤

Browsing through my facebook memories this morning, I read a blog I wrote this time last year. Dad was sitting in the lounge room with me, so I read it out loud.

They are words that reflected my inner conflict at the time of Mam’s end of life. Words that triggered my inner tensions around saying goodbye to Dad soon. Words that brought emotions to the surface, providing another opportunity for us to talk openly about our conflicting thoughts and feelings about death and loss. Dad and I have had afew of these chats while I’ve been staying here.

On the drive to see my cubs, I cried all the way there. A release of emotion that helped lighten my heavy heart. I shared openly with my cubs and hugged them a little tighter today. 

Then I spent afew hours in my own company at the beach. I enjoyed a refreshing dip in the ocean, bathed my naked body under the sun, collected some shells because I was inspired to create a spiral. While gathering the shells, I noticed something silver in the sand …

It was a mother of pearl spiral pendant.

The Spiral is a universal sacred symbol that represents: the cosmic force and deeper understandings. A doorway to life, the cycles of time and nature, spiritual journey, evolution, birth and death. Taking a labyrinth-like passage that leads to the Source.

Our Beloved Mother

I wrote the words in the attached link last year, while confronting Mam’s end of life. I still feel like this sometimes, as I process, feel and heal from our loss 💔

https://breakingthehabitz.wordpress.com/2017/10/21/the-demons-of-my-own-mind/?preview=true

Scrolling through my facebook memories this morning, I reflect over what has been, what IS, what is unfolding and the uncertain future that lies ahead of us all. There have been so many challenges and changes over the last 2 years.

Individual and Collective

As a family we are still processing, feeling and adjusting to our challenges and changes. And as we approach Mam’s first year anniversary in spirit, we’re all having different experiences.

Although we have all endured the same loss, we each have our own personalities and life experiences, which influences how we individually experience and process our grief.

What I love most about my family, is our ability to be completely honest with each other. We value truth over comfort and never shy away from our tensions and conflicts. Majority of the time we talk openly, which helps us to better understand each other. Other times our inner tensions will build and our understandings come through our conflicting differences.

We continue to learn alot from each other

In the heaviness of my grief, I’m learning alot about myself and others. As I pull back to process, feel and heal, I notice the reactions to my sharings. I’ve been unfollowed, defriended, encouraged, avoided, supported, stalked, judged, misunderstood and celebrated.

Although unfollowings, defriendings and judgements cause me discomfort, I appreciate how such reactions are none of my business. I understand that others are confronting their own inner tensions and conflicts. A belief that helps me to reframe my own thoughts. Instead of wondering what’s wrong with me? Taunting myself for being too much or not enough, I can stand more confidently in my truth and feel love and compassion, for those who don’t fully see, support and love me or themselves.

I strongly believe that our individual journeys are essential to the collective experience. Because it’s our healings that are breaking us free from the limitations of our minds. Shifting the collective consciousness from fear, into a space of love. This is what continues to guide and motivate my sharings ❤

Only 10 days until I fly back to the UK.

The usual conflicting feelings because I never like, nor is it easy to say goodbye to my cubs, family and friends here in Australia, but I’m so looking forward to wrapping my arms n legs around Dave and saying hello to family and friends over there in the UK. In all honesty I love Australia and the UK, but my sense of home is connected to my heart, which belongs to no specific country. My heart continues to guide me to where she needs and wants to be.

Spending quality time with my family has been a blessing, regardless of our challenging circumstance, but I’m excited about getting back to the life that’s unfolding in the UK.

Time stands still for no one and the future isn’t promised to any of us, which is what continues to guide my own life choices. We are all here to follow the beat of our own drums, to trust our hearts and to live as fully as we possibly can.

NOW is the time to live the life YOU imagine ❤

This time last year we were living a nightmare. Updates were challenging to write because our parents didn’t want us to share the brutal truth with you all. Something that caused me great discomfort. Some read between the lines, knowing what wasn’t being said, while others were oblivious to our daily struggle. The brutal truth was, the cancer Mam had was aggressive and we all knew it from the get go, Mam included, but our parents choose to focus on the fight.

A fight that brought me tension and conflict, which is why I’m sharing.

There’s a system in place in emergency, which contributed to Mam’s pain cisis. The Palliative team warned us about this, but Mam refused to transition into Dove after her hip operation. Refusing to confront the brutal truth, that we had already reached the end of life too damn soon. A truth no one was ready to accept.

In hindsight, if we had transitioned to Dove after the hip op before going home, Mam could have presented to Dove for prompt treatment when she became symptomatic after the chemo. But instead we were forced to go to emergency, where we had to follow “procedure”

It was a pain crisis that still hurts to think about. NOTHING can compare you for seeing your Mam crying out in extreme pain, seeing your Dads heart break when Doctors tell him the fight is over, seeing your sisters trying to hold it together as their hearts break and hearing your Mam pleading “please dont give up on me” when you’re all fighting harder than ever to keep her alive for as long as you can 💔

It was a day, that’s been etched into the fabric of my heart 💔 I had a vision of that hospital scene weeks after Mam’s diagnosis, during a meditation in the UK. It was a vision that literally brought me down to my knees. As I wept into the carpet of my client’s front room, I felt overwhelming grief and rage, even tho Mam was still alive. I told myself it was only my mind taking me to my fear, but I knew intuition was guiding me.

In reflection, as I stood around the hospital bed observing my family, it felt like I was having an out of body experience. I felt everything yet nothing. I remember hugging Mam and saying “its time to stop fighting but you still have control over how you want to die” words that felt so very wrong to say, but the words needed to be spoken. We could no longer deny the brutality of our truth. Treatments were NOT giving Mam more time like we had hoped, they were bringing her life to an end quicker 💔

The only way I could cope was to focus on what Mams last wishes were. To die at home, surrounded by family and friends, with NO pain. So, a transition into Dove was essential, but no one was ready to confront that reality.

My sister and I listened to our guts, knowing if we didnt get out of the hospital system, then Mam’s death would be very different to her last wishes. None of us wanted Mam to go to Dove because it was taking that next step. The step into a different reality, where we were no longer holding onto hope for a miracle, but we were accepting death 💔

The first night in Dove has also been etched into the fabric of my heart, because it was the night I felt the burden of my family’s fear 💔

A burden I carried because I felt responsible. The transition into Dove happened much quicker than my family was ready for. When we told Palliative, they had a bed and ambulance transfer arranged within hours. In any other circumstance we would be grateful for prompt service, but I suppose it all depends on the destination.

Mam is only here so we can get her home

Is what I told myself as I walked away from my parents that night. After kissing them both goodnight, reassuring them that tomorrow they would be in a much nicer room. That they only had to be in the small shared room, with the dying man for one night. That its only because we’ve admitted at 9pm and tomorrow they’ll have their own room. That it was only for afew days to get pain sorted, so we can get home.

Mam is only here so we can get her home

Is what I told my sister as I comforted her in the hallway. She was pacing back and forth, demanding that we take Mam back to the hospital. Distressed about leaving Mam in a place that felt like death.

Mam is only there so we can get her home

Is what I told myself as I lay in my bed that night, alone in the dark, with my thoughts and a heavy broken heart, thudding in my chest.

That night we all faced the brutal reality of what was … that Mam was dying 💔

The mountain was calling me ❤

I wandered up Ngungun to indulge in some solitude and meditation. I love climbing in the rain because not many others go then, so it’s an opportunity to be alone with the mountain.

The energy is warm and inviting when it rains, which is when I usually hear her calling me.

Today, there was no hurry to reach the top. So I stopped to hug some of my old friends. My old mate, Twist always enjoys an embrace. I was instinctively drawn to two other trees. To place my forehead against their trunks (my 3rd eye).

As strange as it may sound to some, one tree just wanted to say hello and the other had something to share. The instant my forehead connected with his trunk, I felt my 3rd eye open

If you’ve never hugged a tree before, then I invite you to wrap your arms around the soft trunk of a tree. Press your chest against him/her and feel the exchange of energy. If you linger long enough your heart beats will connect. You see, ALL living things share the same heartbeat of Nature. Because we are ALL connected to the same Source of Creation 💚

At the top of the mountain, I was alone with the flow of my thoughts and feelings. I leaned back against the rock and soon laid down upon her.

As the wind blew around me and the rain kissed my skin, I allowed my thoughts and feelings to rise and fall, until there was a silence that spoke to me. Unspoken words that communicated with my inner knowing. I was overwhelmed by the immense beauty of life.

A strong sense of spirit caused my heart to cry tears of joy. I drifted between worlds for afew moments. There was no worries of slipping on the wet surface, because I pretty much floated back down the mountain in a state of bliss.

Then I drove my soggy butt to my sisters to pick up my son. Drove him home, hugged all 3 of my cubs and headed back Yam to Dad.

As I share this with you, I smile 😊 because facebook tagged Mam in one of my pictures. I knew she was with me because I felt her ❤

This morning Keza and I put on our rainbow socks, to walk for Mental Health.

My interest in Mental Health goes beyond my profession. I’ve personally suffered from Depression, Panic Attacks and Anxiety. I’ve been diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder, but not because I had it. To get the rebate I needed for additional support, I had to tick boxes.

Hmmmmm she ponders 🤔

As a woman of extremes, I could tick afew Bipolar boxes. Being a woman with a wild imagination who drifts between worlds, I could tick afew Schizophrenia boxes. Being a woman who dives in deep to explore herself, I could tick a few Personality Disorder boxes. Being a woman in tune with the flow of Nature and Universe, I most certainly would have been burnt at the stake years ago, along with all the other “hysterical women and witches.”

Fortunately we are living in different times and I refuse to be labelled and confined by boxes !!!

Truth is, we ALL have a mind and at times it can malfunction. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again and again, our mind is like a computer.

But we are so much more than what we think and how we feel. I believe we are beings of love and light, having a human experience, here to realize our true potential. A perception that’s helping me to break free from the limitations of my mind, and experience life more fully.

Sure, some of you may “think” I’m crazy, and I’m learning how to be OK with that.

I talk honestly and openly about my thoughts and feelings about my concerns, conflicts and challenges because I believe it matters. And I share my own processes because I hope it helps others to explore their own limitations.

Mental health matters 💜

Sometimes I wonder …

Why am I so damn curious ???

Why do I articulate my thoughts so honestly?
Why do I express my emotions so openly?
Why do I voice my concerns so unreservedly?
Why do I talk about my challenges so publicly?
Why do I reveal my wounds so unashamedly?
Why do I proclaim my desires so overtly?
Why do I expose my fears so explicitly?
Why do I want to share my words so truthfully?

Over the years, I’ve asked my parents what kind of child I was, curious to know who was I before the world told me who I should be?

As a child I was curious about everything and asked alot of questions. My personality was overt and open. I shared my thoughts and expressed my emotions without fear. Some of my “shameless” behaviours challenged those around me. I demanded attention and loved an audience. I thrived from new experiences and needed to share anything I learned with those around me. I was a little miss bossy boots with a whole lota attitude and confidence. I had a vivid imagination and loved to listen to stories that were full of magic and wonderment.

Kinda sounds like the woman I’m becoming. So what happened to her ???

She was taught stuff by people who knew stuff. She learned who she should be and what she should do. She seen and heard stuff that fed her fears and experienced hurtful stuff that broke her.

Once upon a time, I used to believe my TOO muchness was wrong, but now I know better. I’m unlearning what I was taught and reconnecting with my truth.

It’s not easy to be who we really are, in a world where we’re told who we should be and what we should be doing. It’s not easy showing up in a patriarchal world as a fearless and shameless woman. But for someone like me, its so much harder not being who I really am.

Some of us are here to bleed and burn while others witness. In the days of old, we were the witches being burned at the stake. Our crime was being who we really were, which was WOMAN. Today, we are the free thinkers, the truth seekers and the writers. The bridge between worlds, here to show up and be seen. Shining a light in the dark 🌟