Allow me to introduce Mary Poppins and Magic Mikey

Its week 4 of my ” changing habits. ” Still not sure what I actually want to call the process yet because “Get fit and fabulous at forty ” is too cliche. A warrior woman quest sounds like I’m traveling with hobbits and body transformation brings far too much pressure. So lets just figure it out as we go and hopefully something profound will come to mind

My 2 bikes may look the same, but they each give a slightly different experience

The cruiser style bike …

Mary got her name because the cruiser holds my body in a more upright position (when I’m not slouching), which distributes my weight more evenly. Depending on the mood of the day, depends on whether I hear the Mary Poppins or Wizard of Oz sound track. I feel more comfortable on her and I like how I’m better able to admire the scenery as I pedal. The basket up front can give me the wobbles and she has no gears, so she makes me work much harder, which isn’t such a bad thing (I suppose). Shes great for flat roads, fabulous going down hill (once you get the feel of the foot pedal brake and hand brake) but my legs still cant push her up those darn hills … but all in good time Tracey

The mountain and road style bikes …

Military personel from all over Europe compete in the 2006 United States Forces Europe Mountain Bike riders prepare to race at Aviano Air Base, Italy. Military personel travel from all over Europe to compete in these series of races. ( U.S. Air Force photo by Airman Nathan Doza ) ( Released )

Mikey seems to have lost his magic because his gears are dodgy and the brakes broke the other day (thank fook I wasn’t going down hill or it could have been disastrous). This style of bike puts my body in a bent over position, putting a lot of weight and pressure on my hands, which hurts. Hes a little higher than the cruiser, so getting on and off him in a hurry is a little tricky for someone like me, who isn’t overly confident on a bike to begin with. I feel awkward and clumsy (unlike other areas of my life where I’m totally graceful and dignified). Who am I kidding, I’m like the ugly ducking flapping her feathers like fuck. But as in the fairy tale she soon transforms into a beautiful white swan … right ?

The reality is a little more confronting ….

This image pretty much sums up how I feel. I wish I could say that I feel fit and fabulous, but the truth is I still feel fat and unfit. Every time I put on my silly little helmet and jump on the bike, I feel out of my comfort zone. Every time I get off the bike to push it up hill, I feel frustrated. Every time someone on a bike zooms past me, I feel slow. Every time I pass someone who looks me up and down, I feel less than. Every time I see someone snigger and smirk at me struggling (which isn’t often, thank fookness), I feel shame. Fortunately the majority of people are encouraging and the majority of the time I have a positive attitude and can laugh at myself, which makes it easier

I kinda lost my mojo in week 3 because of the crazy energies circling around new moon and my menstrual cycle. So I found it really tough to get up and out in between my nursing shifts, which is why being car less was definitely the right choice to make. Because like it or not 3 to 4 times a week, I am riding 5km and like it or not if I needed to go anywhere, I am walking or riding. So, even during my low motivation, bad attitude, carb and sugar blow outs, I still see and feel some positive changes in my body. Granted its been a little slower … but progress IS progress no matter how slow we go

Whenever I’m struggling with negative mood or thoughts, I take a deep breath, close my eyes and dig deep to find the inner warrior within …

… and she gives me the strength and courage to keep on going. She reminds me why I have chosen to focus on and prioritize my health and well being. She keeps pushing me forward because she knows I’m worth it

Given a choice I prefer to mount Mary Poppins, but I think we may need to introduce someone else and have ourselves a threesome (insert giggle). Ive decided that I want a cruiser bike with gears because I think it will encourage me to ride further if I’m more comfortable … its all about enjoying the ride after all

What is a Warrior Woman ?

A warrior woman is not WHAT she does it is WHO she is …

She is a woman who makes a conscious decision to take control of her own life

She creates positive changes for herself and for her loved ones

She defends core feminine values and serves to empower others

She is strong, independent, ambitious and honorable

She is willing to fight with relentless perseverance for her principles regardless of the outcome

She leads, mentors, encourages, inspires and motivates others

She is soft, sensitive and compassionate

She is highly spirited and expresses herself freely

She knows her words are powerful and uses her voice

She has a “can do” attitude and overcomes obstacles

She falls , but rises bigger, stronger, brighter and more determined each time

She stands on a mountain of spiritual integrity and understands her mission is to serve the greater good

She walks the difficult path of challenging cultural views, unsatisfied by the comfort of status quo

She is resilient and confident

She views adversity as grand opportunities for growth

The warrior woman lives inside ALL of us

She IS your strength and courage to be ALL you can be ❤

To be a warrior we must be willing to change how we see ourselves

Who are YOU ?

So, with that in mind I reflected over my “Get fit and fabulous at 40” quest and thought to myself, how boring and cliche that sounded, which is everything I am not. So, I decided to write about my journey of transformation in the way I feel it. Telling my story, which is about so much more than changing the way I look

❤ I am here to be the best version of myself ❤

As strange as it may sound I can pin point the exact moment in time when I knew my life was going to take a completely different course. I didn’t know why it was happening, I had no clue about how it was going to happen and I had no idea where I was going. I just felt the change in myself. A change that put my in a sudden state of panic

Ironically, it was pretty much to this exact same day 16 years ago. Around February 10th in the year 2000. The exact date is a little blurry because we had flown over to the UK for my Grandas funeral, who died a day before his 79th birthday. I was married with 3 small children and it was my first trip back home. Come to think of it, we also emigrated to Australia February 11th 1991, which was a another huge change in my life

Hardly surprising then, that its around this time again that I’m feeling yet another big shift happening in myself, only this time without the panic. This time I am excited because I know that even though its a place of uncertainty, change IS happening

When I first had this “feeling” back in 2000 I suffered from anxiety and had several panic attacks. It was a place that terrified me, yet something deep inside kept pushing me forward. I fell down into depression many times as I struggled to find my way. It was a very challenging few years because it was like breathing air that felt foreign yet familiar to me. My body reacted as if it was infected by some unknown virus

❤ It was the journey back to myself ❤

Many of us wander off track and loose ourselves. Sometimes we are influenced and drawn into worlds where we don’t really fit, as a result of the choices we have made. Choices that take us to a place where we feel like we are only existing. As if we are living someone elses life. A place where we have feelings of discontentment and a sense of emptiness inside

But … are we really swaying off our path of discovery ? Or are we choosing to walk those paths because they are important experiences for us to have ?

I think that those experiences provide us with the valuable lessons that we need

❤ I believe our choices are all part of our journey back to ourselves ❤

Our hearts are simple … its purpose is to LOVE

Its our minds that often screw us over

Can love remain after a loss ?

I believe so

I think its our thoughts about what we’ve lost that can hold us in our pain and suffering for longer than necessary. But I also believe that this is a natural part of our grieving process and it should be privileged for what it is

Our hearts break open and cause us physical pain when a love is lost because it feels like we’ve lost a part of ourselves. Its the part of loving that often makes us decide never to be open to fall in love again, to give up on our dreams and to loose hope. Our hurts can temporarily shut us down for business and build walls around our hearts without us even realizing that its happened

Accepting and allowing the pain depends upon the type of love lost

Loosing a child is different to loosing an elderly parent. Loosing a lover is different to loosing a friend. Loosing a job is different to loosing a dream. Loosing our independence is different to loosing our home. Loosing our limb is different to loosing our memory. Every loss will be experienced differently for each and every person

But whatever the loss and who ever the person, the best way is to flow naturally through our grief, however messy it gets and however slowly we go

Choosing to stand in our truth, however uncomfortable it is to face

Choosing to remain open, however much we want to shut down

Choosing not to rely on someone else to fill the gap, however hard it is to confront alone

Choosing to love our selves, however challenging it is to heal our hearts

Unhealthy hearts suppress the process of grief to protect itself, but the hurt doesn’t go away until its fully expressed and released. It manifests in other areas of our lives. We may make different choices to avoid or seek love. Our behaviours may change so we can deny or invite love in. The kind of love we invite in may change. Our relationships may suffer. Our friendships may change. Our bodies may experience fatigue, pain, illness or disease and we may even eventually loose ourselves in the darkness

Sometimes this is a place we choose to be because there is something we are meant to find there. Sometimes we need to accept the help we need to find our way out. Sometimes we must fight hard to find the light and sometimes the light finds us. It doesn’t matter how our relationship with darkness begins. What matters is understanding its purpose

The darkness isn’t a place to fear because it IS a part of us. Its purpose is to make us a whole being of both light and dark. Neither being good nor bad, right nor wrong but both being just a state of what is

“I have learned things in the dark that I could never have learned in the light, things that have saved my life over and over again, so that there really is only one logical conclusion. I need darkness as much as I need light” (Barbara Brown Taylor)

A healthy heart is not only full of rainbows and light, its not without pain or suffering

A healthy heart is open to feel whatever it feels

A healthy heart appreciates and flows with both love and loss without resistance

A GRATEFUL heart is a healthy heart that LOVES

I used to believe that if I wanted to go somewhere, then I needed to have a destination in mind. I used to think that if I wanted to achieve a goal, then I had to have it all planned out. I used to feel like a complete failure when my path changed its course

Oh … how times have changed !!!

Although I do hold a vision of the kind of life I want to create, at times its blurry. Sometimes I loose my focus and the vision changes as I do. Its during such transitions that I feel the most uncertain and vulnerable, which is when my fears start to surface. But its a place I no longer run from, its a place I choose to sit in and wait. Its a place I still fear sitting, but its a place I know holds all the answers I seek. I just need to listen

My feelings of discontentment continues to lead me down different paths, seeking fulfillment. My desire to explore, learn and grow continues to drive me

But … in all honesty I have absolutely no idea when, how and where I’m going

At this stage in my life I’m literally only taking one step at a time. I’m flowing with how I feel moment to moment. I’m trusting the process and I’m surrendering to life

New realizations have recently surfaced into my consciousness and has caused me a little upset because I dont like what its telling me

 Since my most recent heartbreak I haven’t actually finished anything Ive started

Nothing is yet fully complete

I started the “Red Tent” course … but still have modules to complete

I started several books … but they all sit on my bedside table unfinished

I started the “Goddess makeover” … but have paused at the sacral chakra

I started the “Meaning of death” course … but pulled out half way through

I started the “Social media & photography” course … but am procrastinating

Hmmmmmmmm … WHY ?

This is not my usual behaviour. I’m the kind of woman who never gives up and always gets the job done. I hold the goal in mind and then I dont stop until its achieved

Its a Capricorn thing

So, I reflected over why I’m struggling to complete what I started ?

And it lead me down several paths of disappointment, loss, failure, rejection and a whole lot of fucking hurt …

A marriage, that didn’t lead to where I wanted it to go

An intense 5 years of university study, that didn’t lead to where I wanted it to go

A love affair with a married man, that didn’t lead to where I wanted it to go

A relationship, that didn’t lead to where I wanted it to go

Dating, that didn’t lead to where I wanted it to go

When it comes to my heart it feels like NOTHING has actually gone in the direction I had hoped. Everything that has mattered most to me has ended or changed. Perhaps that explains my reluctance to complete those things I start? Maybe subconsciously I’m afraid to finish something in-case it doesn’t lead to where I want it to go? So by not finishing them, I’m avoiding the disappointment, the rejection, the failure and the hurt?

Who the fuck knows ?

I can analyze the shit out of it OR I can accept this new realization about myself and actually FINISH the damn things I started and go in which ever direction it leads me

The choice is mine and I choose to keep on walking forwards

… and breathe

Changes to my daily routine and recent events has been shifting my energy and emotions around. Some of it good and some of it … not so good

With the lead up to new moon and my menstrual cycle Ive been feeling a little unsettled and very teary. So, today I meditated on it and 2 things surfaced …

The word OPENNESS and an image of a conflicted heart came to mind

Hmmmmmmm ?

It made me think about how each and every experience in life can serve as an opportunity to bring us more love and light. About how our “negative” experiences are also gifts. Because when we start to explore those things that hurt our hearts, we will generally find that its our thoughts and understandings about the experience that hold onto the pain and suffering. The resistance to LET GO being the main cause of our hurt

Once we let go we are more open to new experiences, which brings CHANGE

Change being something that can stir up our fears because being open also means being more vulnerable. A feeling that leaves us open to so many things that can hurt. The main reason why many people choose the comforts of familiarity and the security of routine, instead of standing in their truth, following their hearts and stepping out into the unknown. Into a  place of uncertainty that can cause us discomfort

Alas, not everyone is ready to hear the truth … let alone LIVE it

Openness isn’t for everyone all of the time. As hard as it is to believe, even I hold back sometimes. There are parts of ourselves that we only share with those we trust, within our inner circles of support because we have experienced the judgements, the ridicule, the criticism, the betrayal and the misunderstandings

But before standing in a place of judgment or before choosing to engage in mindless gossip about someone elses choices, please remember that …

” Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future “

Both positive and negative aspects of self exists in ALL of us

Until we are able to fully accept and love both shadow and light parts of ourselves and embrace ALL that makes us whole, we are unable to completely accept and love both light and shadow in others

I have a great appreciation for those who openly share their messy thoughts instead of hiding behind false truths. I admire those who seek the lesson from their mistakes. I value those who are willing to hurt with truth rather than comfort with lies. I cherish those who continue to believe in love no matter how many times their hearts have been broken. I fall in love with those who are brave enough to share ALL of who they are so they can become ALL they can be

My motto is … appreciate everything and regret nothing because in the end we only ever regret the chances that we didn’t take

Be OPEN to the possibility of MORE

The moon controls the ebb and flow of our oceans and she’s also an energetic force that influences our emotions.

During a new moon we tend to feel tired, inward and more vulnerable. Its a time when our shadows surface. Any insecurities and old wounds in need of healing can come into our awareness.

When we don’t learn to accept and heal our shadow we hold ourselves back from living the life we imagine. We limit our growth. So being mindful about our thoughts and feelings can help us to identify where our garden can grow.

New moon is a time to plant our seeds of intention. Inviting the experiences into our lives that will support our growth and create the life we imagine.

Standing in our own truth enables us to flow with universal energies that make manifestation possible. This is the law of attraction and this is where the magic of change happens ~~~☆☆☆

If anyone had told me that a bicycle could change my life … I would have laughed

Yet, here I am in a budding new romance with my bike and its changing my life

Week 2 of my “changing habits” comes to an end and I can honestly say that I never imagined that it would have unfolded in the way it has

I bought a bike …

No big deal …

I just wanted to get to work quicker because I decided to get rid of my car

Part of my ” GET FIT and FABULOUS at FORTY ” quest

At 42 years old Ive had enough of feeling fat. Ive had enough of the comfort eating excuse. Ive had enough of hearing the reasons why I cant do something. Ive had enough of bills bogging me down and Ive had enough of holding myself back

ENOUGH is ENOUGH !!!!

  So, in an effort to change that, I made a different choice …

  Letting my car go and buying a bike seemed logical because it will help me to save money and get fit … sounds FABULOUS to me

However, the first few days have been anything BUT fabulous !!!

” A picture is worth a thousand words “

Isn’t it just … my face after my first ride to work says it all

Thank fook it was dark !!!

I was wobbling all over the place like a tipsy driver because of the weight in the basket, but once I got my balance all was well … until I hit the first downward slope. I recall zooming down hills as a youngster feeling invigorated by the speed and wind in my hair. But as a wobbly overweight middle aged woman I was bloody terrified !!!

Then came the upward slope, which was no better. Even the tiniest of incline felt like I was peddling through sand. I tried to stand up and pedal but got the wobbles, so had to get off and push the damn thing … hence why they call it a “push bike” I suppose

The entire way there I was thinking to myself WTF am I doing ?

I had been enjoying my walks last week and with a change in thinking, was actually starting to feel kinda fabulous. But there I was in the bathroom at work, looking in the mirror and I wanted to cry because I felt and looked every bit of FAT and UNFIT

I wanted to GIVE UP !!!

The next day I got back on it … and the next day … and the next day

Regardless of how hard it was. Regardless of how foolish I felt. Regardless of how tragic I looked. Regardless of how disgracefully I did it … I got back on

On my first day off I decided to get up and out at 4am and try out a more flatter and longer distance (around 15km return trip). Mostly because its cooler and there are less people around, so Id feel a little less self conscious. And for the first time all week I was actually starting to enjoy the ride. Mind you when I dismounted my legs were so wobbly that I almost fell onto the ground, my bum was numb and my vagina felt like I had participated in a 24 hour orgy …

but I felt like I had accomplished something

So, although its been a very bumpy start to the week, with a little persistence it turned out to be something kinda wonderful

After 2 weeks I’m noticing a few changes that I’m very happy with

• I can already see a change in my body shape
• I’m starting to feel muscles forming in my legs and bum
• My clothes are starting to fit better
• My mind is clearer and thoughts more positive
• I have more energy
• I’m making better choices with my food
• I’m drinking more water
• My libido has hit an all time high

Yesterday was a day of bike riding

Today I shall be climbing a mountain with friends

Tomorrow … who knows what inspirations it will bring

I look forward to sharing the adventures awaiting to be had in week 3 of my

” GET FIT and FABULOUS at FORTY ” quest

How wonderful it will be to raise children who don’t need to peel away layers of bullshit to find their inner knowing …

As we begin to unfold our own stories and expose our truths, we begin to lead the way for our own children to do the same …

Diving deeper into our own sense of self, the layers of false truths that once defined and confined us begin to crumble away …

Time and space begins to take on new meaning as we travel from past, present and future to what was, what is and what can be …

As the shadows rise to the surface and we confront our demons, the less we fear the darkness because it’s no longer our enemy …

Both light and dark dance together like lost lovers, with a deeper understanding and sense of gratitude for one another …

Our heart is the inner compass that guides us towards our fate, so hush now and allow yourself to fall into the abyss of love …

The brilliance of our minds and the power of thought becomes an expansive arena of possibilities, as we tap into our full potential …

Honour thyself ♡

Just a little quicky about tonight’s full moon …

The moon controls our oceans and tides and human bodies are over 50% water, so its no surprise that the moon has a strong influence on our emotions

I just love the energy that swirls around a full moon and I’m very excited after reading a little about our Full Moon in Leo as Mercury is finishing Retrograde

This month is all about our creative self expression, love life and passions. Its about being the shining star that we are born to be

During Mercury in Retrograde some of us were given the PUSH we needed to help us make the necessary changes to create the life we want

Hearing from a past love and my car breaking down were my kick starters

What was yours ?

“When synthesizing the energy of the full moon in Leo with Mercury square to Uranus in Aries, we may be seeking freedom and independence in how we express ourselves creatively and authentically in our work. Or want to make significant changes or liberate ourselves from confining or controlling circumstances in either our careers or structures so we can align ourselves with what we enjoy and care about, and where our creative potential can shine best” (Carmen Di Luccio)

If you’re aligning with any of that, then this is when we start to get excited, because our energies are in sync with the universe and so its the right time to CREATE …

Reflect over …

What is your passion and hearts desire?

Where and how do you shine the brightest in your life?

What are the things you need to do that will help you to achieve your goals?

What changes need to be made in your life that will better support you to be successful?

How does your authenticity and creative expression better serve the greater good?

Enjoy your evening … I know I will

(っ”)っ ♥ ☆★☆♥

This is a blog about “breaking the habitz” so lets talk about my effort to change one of mine. Its been my intention to shed the added kilos, get fit and feel healthier for YEARS. It feels like a battle Ive had FOREVER. And just when I thought I finally had a handle on it, the handle fell off and I was back to square one again. Life has a way of knocking us down … but what matters most is getting back up again

How did I get started ? … well, Ive been procrastinating on it for a while now but the start wasn’t entirely my own doing. I did need a little help to kick start my motivation. My car has been dying a slow death and I haven’t had the funds to fix it. So when it broke down for a 2nd time this month, I had choices …

• I could pick up more nursing shifts and run myself down
• I could go into more debt and stress myself out more
• I could explore other ways to bring in the money flow
• I could be without a car and save money and be more active

Not really a hard decision to make … is it ?

Deciding to get rid of my car and walk to/from work has been my starting point. Its not particularly hard at around 2.5km if I walk the short way and around 5km if I take the scenic route, but getting started can sometimes be an effort …

So, I asked myself … How can I make it a little easier on myself ?

Ive figured out a way to reduce the “OMG I can’t be bothered” thoughts impacting on my motivation too much during nursing night shifts … being organized before my nap has been essential. That way I can literally jump out of bed to the alarm, get dressed and walk out the door before my mind wakes up enough to start thinking. Once I’m out and moving, the body is already in motion and all is good … its working well for me.

Its on the way home after a long night when my body is tired, that I’m aware of how the mind tries to pull me back. I’m slow and I’m weak and so I’m vulnerable. As other walkers keep passing me by thoughts like “hurry up fatso” and “why are you even bothering” or “its too hard, so lets just give up” pop into my mind. I don’t talk like that to anyone else, so WTF am I talking to myself like that ?

My negative thoughts impact on how I feel, which then reduces my motivation and gives me a bad attitude. I look down more, I smile less and I feel disconnected from other people.

The mind can be our worst enemy as we try to reprogram and change our habits. So its important to observe what we are thinking, then we can make a conscious decision to interrupt the negative thought process.

For me walking home the scenic way helps to flip the thoughts over to “no need to rush Tracey, enjoy the beauty” and “the more you do this the faster your pace will get, so just enjoy the process.” … which makes a HUGE difference to how I feel. I look up and smile more. I make eye contact with people who are passing by, we share our good mornings and I feel a sense of connection.

Its only early days, but like any new habit the first week is generally the most challenging. So I’m looking forward to sharing my progress next week.