Even though the stronger woman doesn’t always feel strong, she has strength. She knows her heart needs time to accept the truth, but when its over she is DONE. She knows focusing on her self helps to regain the balance she needs to move her forward into new directions.

The stronger woman will always hold love in her heart for someone she once shared love with because it never goes away, nor should it. But shes not the kinda woman who will beg you to stay, nor is she afraid to leave. She won’t manipulate your emotions, nor will she wish you bad karma.

The stronger woman walks away because she will never settle for less than and she doesn’t want you to either. She will rise above the blame and take responsibility for her own choices  her forgiving heart will defend your choices because she understands you.

The stronger woman doesn’t want a love that holds her down, nor will she ever hold you back. She wants to experience the liberation and exhilaration’s of love. She isn’t afraid to spread her wings and fly alone, nor does she fear jumping into the arms of love.

She hopes that her love will set you free

The stronger woman is more interested in sorting out her own messy mind than trying to mess with yours.

I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the lessons I’m learning in love

I hope you do too ❤️

 “The mountains are calling and I must go” (John Muir)

 I often hear the call of the mountain when my heart and mind are in conflict,
She calls to me because it’s the place I feel closest to my truest self

Walking the winding paths that lead deeper into the heart of the mountain …
… there is no escape from my truth

During the climb the truth of who I am surfaces with each and every step,
Conflicts between my past, present and future self …
What was …
What is …
What will be ?

But she understands my internal conflict and welcomes me to share with her

Sweat and tears flow and fall onto her surface …
… she challenges me to surrender to my truest and deepest feelings

My mood changes as my energy shifts …
… she accepts the shadows that linger behind me with love

I push my way through self doubt, fear and anxieties …
… she supports me as I process messy thoughts and release heavy emotion

I move past uncertainties and apprehensions …
… she encourages me to drop out of mind and step into heart space

I feel the love where my energy becomes one with spirit
Perspective that is forever changing as I get closer and closer towards her peak

Then, I reach the top … where the air is clean and the view is expansive
An overwhelming sense of endless space and limitless time
My mind is clear and my heart is open

I am balanced
We are ONE

Trusting this process without hanging on is how we flow with change, which isn’t always easy. Especially when someone else is involved and especially when it means walking away from something or someone we thought we wanted

The liberation of truth is the process of freeing ourselves from someone elses control or freeing someone else from our control

My recent blog about letting go of a past love caused a reaction with my current lover, which then woke me up to my own truth. A lover who also claims to love me deeply, yet also loves me with limitations and restrictions based on his situation and choices. Although I wasn’t aware of his situation in its entirety until he eventually shared his truth some months later, I still chose to maintain our intimate connection and was settling for less than what I truly wanted and deserved

In truth, the tensions began niggling at me early on but I trusted what he told me more than I trusted those niggles of tension. Even when others voiced those niggles out loud, I didn’t really listen … WHY ? … because I believed I was getting what I wanted, which was an extraordinary energy connection that was blowing my entire being wide open

Being the kinda woman who will always explore something that she has never experienced before, I told myself that although he wasn’t able to give me everything I wanted, I didn’t really see a future with him anyways, so it was OK. I told myself that so long as we were both being open and honest with each other, then it was OK

Hmmmmm … how easy it is to lie to ourselves

Our tensions increase conflict, which are ALWAYS valuable opportunities to hopefully communicate our truths and increase understandings. However, not everyone can appreciate that and so we must also acknowledge when to say enough is enough

But how do we know when enough is enough ?

How do we say it in a loving way ?

How do we walk away from someone knowing how much our departure is hurting them ?

We listen to those niggles and we share our truth, however difficult it is

We acknowledge that our tensions and discomforts are communicating an internal conflict, which if ignored will only cause us unnecessary suffering

Yes, it takes courage to walk away and let go of those somethings and someones that we once wanted, but YOU are worth it. Yes, we still feel the experience of loss, but YOU can do it. Yes, we may endure those emotional messages or painful silences from the ones we are hurting, but YOU can change it …  

In the past I would reply to the begs and pleadings because I hate hurting someone I love and care for (I still do) but it only prolongs both of our suffering. When its time for a reason or season to end, I want so desperately to come to a sense of closure that leaves both of our hearts still in a space of love, instead of hurt. In the past I would become consumed by our pain and struggle to accept the truth, which would continually pull me back into the fantasy of what was, instead of allowing us both to accept the reality and move forward. I would then lose all sense of control over my emotions and become consumed by the hurt, which would set off all those self defenses that projected anger, disappointment and frustration

SELF destruction mode then being activated … BOOM !!!

A place that holds very little space for love because its motivated by the fear of letting go. A place where conflict thrives and suffering persists 

But the lesson has been learned 

So, its easier … right ?

Not entirely, because it still takes courage to express our truth, knowing that it hurts both ourselves and someone else. It still takes strength to walk away from something we want, knowing its not what we need. It still takes acceptance to flow with our own feelings and so it can still get messy because we are not perfect and we are all learning as we go

Trust the process of liberation and step into freedom

I’ve never really given Mercury in retrograde much thought in the past because although I’m a self-confessed moon gazer, I’m far from being an avid astrology follower. But I’m beginning to wonder more and more about how the universal energies are able to have such a profound impact on our energy and experiences

Mercury in retrograde is here until January 25th. Its a time of confusion, delays and yes, MORE reflection. Its a time that will pull us back into our shadow self, where we tend to react more from our needs, hurts and triggers, with a focus on others more than ourselves. Therefore, it provides us with a valuable opportunity to become more consciously aware and hopefully step into our heart space where we can be more aligned with spirit

Sounds very much like finding our calm in the midst of the storm of change doesn’t it ?

Hmmmm … she ponders ?

With some recent positive energetic shifts and a change of direction I started to feel like I was finally healing my heart and getting my shit together …

Then BAM !!!! … it hit me like a freaking freight train. “Ding Ding” went the viber bell and there it was …

“the past knocking on my door”

I only have myself to blame because a little over a week ago I made a mindless wish to hear from him on my birthday, which I did …

WHY did I invite him back into my life ? Was I looking for closure or am I still hanging on ?

“Hi, how are you?” …………………. I paused and asked myself,

Does he really want an honest answer?
Do I really want to give him an honest answer?
Do I want him to know that I’m still healing the wounds?
Do I tell him that life for me is just fine and dandy?
Do I want him to know that he still has a hold on my heart?
Do I tell him that I’m doing OK?
Do I ignore it?
Do I wait a few days before responding?
Do I reply back at all?
Do I really want to reopen communication?
Do I block him?

I found myself in a sudden state of anxiety, unsure what the fuck I should DO?

So, I took a deep breath and got OUT of my head and dropped down INTO my heart

I answered truthfully, but it got a little messy because with the reopening of communication I also began to feel my heart tighten as emotions flowed through feelings of annoyance, frustration, anger, sadness and before I knew it I was crying …

Fuck you Mercury in freaking retrograde !!!

Is it really necessary to bring me back to this place to prove to myself that I do want to let go and move forwards? … Haven’t we already spent hours, days, weeks, months even years going over this same shit !!!

The following few days I was in a state of disarray and confusion. Although the contents of his messages were brief and even “nice”, I was conflicted. So, not wanting to repeat past mistakes by falling into old patterns, I shut down communication as quickly as possible

But then the darkness began to consume me. I spent the rest of the day and night in my bed, wrapped up in my sadness and suffering. My energy and motivation disappeared and I just wanted to sleep. I felt myself pulling back, seeking isolation, I didn’t want to process it, I didn’t want to talk about it, I didn’t want to express it, I didn’t want to feel it …

SHUT DOWN mode was activated

In the past this is the time I begin to experience a state of depression and fall into my old habits of coping; smoking, drinking, eating, sleeping, promiscuity

ANYTHING to numb the pain

ANYTHING to avoid confronting the truth about myself …

… and hence the HEALING and our long journeys BACK to ourselves

My wise mother, knowing me only too well came to my side to offer her love and support. During our conversations I realized that I’ve been moving forward with every memory, every tear and every hurt. Even my last email asking him to let me go, reflected a sense of blame for him holding me back and there was obviously fragments of hope left in my heart. I wasn’t accepting responsibility and I was still giving my heart away

So, what do you do when the past comes knocking?

Its obviously not as easy as making the choice to walk away, saying out loud that we want to let it go, writing down the words that come from our messy minds and hurting hearts and burning the notes with good intentions of moving the fuck on !!! … so WHAT else prevents us from leaving our pasts behind  ?

In the romanticized fantasy world that I often live in, I open the door, greet with a smile, we reminisce over wonderful times and then we either continue on our merry separate paths, wishing one another love, light and happiness OR he tells me that he can no longer live without me, that he loves me and wants to explore a life with me

Wakey fucking wakey Tracey !!!

The reality was … standing at the door was the same man, in the same situation, doing the same things, holding the same bunch of “if onlys”, the very same man I fell in love with

but WHY was he standing there? and WHAT did he want?

Perhaps he was holding onto the same old story I was ?

Sometimes we hang onto our seasons and reasons far longer than we should because our hearts hope for the lifetime … but the truth is WE are our lifetime and so our own hearts should matter most ♡

Sometimes we hold onto the hurt because when the love no longer connects us, our hurts do … but the truth is our hearts are holding onto false hopes that keep us locked in our own suffering and eternal damnation ♡

When love hurts our heart, then we are holding onto something or someone that isn’t meant for us … but the truth is WE sometimes struggle to accept this truth ♡

Letting go isn’t something we just DO, its a process we must go through … but the truth is our closure can only come once WE loosen our grip with fantasy and accept our reality

And with the simple acknowledgment that I was still holding onto OUR STORY, instead of accepting that we shared a wonderful chapter …

I reclaim my heart, my choice, my power and my life  ❤

I’m feeling a little exposed and quite vulnerable at the moment because what I thought I was doing is not what Ive actually BEEN doing, in more than one area of my life

Illusionary visionary … Yup that’s ME !!!

I hope that my musings offer a piece of my heart to those who are also moving through their own process of change. So feeling a little braver after the publication of my first submission to Elephant Journal, I took another risk and submitted my latest blog on “Living with Love” … and it was REJECTED

Stung a little because it tugged at the “I’m not good enough” strings.
But after the initial sting I reread the email and was extremely grateful for the valuable feedback they willingly offered. My blog was too scattered and covered too many topics at once with not enough depth, which kinda reflects my head space to be honest …
They also asked … is your writing Emotionalism ?

At first glance it sounds like a positive thing because I like to think that I DO write with emotion. However, it’s NOT a good thing for a writer because although writing with heart involves our emotions, TOO much of self can offer a sense of “Look at me”, which separates instead of connects
Ouch !!! … another sting

Yes, I was one of those kids and some would argue that I’m still one of those adults, but its neither my motivation nor intention for writing. I want my words to come from an open heart, sharing my experiences with intentions to support others as they also move forward through the discomforts of their own changes

Massive FAILURE !!!

I really wanted to hear another “we love your work” response, not “you’re not quite there yet” … but part of the journey is the breaking down of old ways of being and doing, to become something new, which can be totally terrifying … yet also kinda exhilarating !!!

I consider constructive criticism to be a mighty stroke of luck because it reflects an offering of support and guidance on our journey, so I’m taking it all on board gratefully and reflecting over the feedback

Improving my writing and counseling skills is my motivation and I want my blog to reflect that learning process, hence why I’m sharing this experience with you

So … I’ve now learned that the difference between emotionalism and catharsis is GENEROSITY … which is about opening up our hearts and offering the suffering instead of using the suffering as the motivating factor

Hmmmmm ?
How do I offer it ?
How DO I get MORE real ?

“what the writer least wants to share is what the world is bleeding to hear”
Hmmmmm ?
So, some questions to sit with are …

What DOES the world want to hear ?
How can I offer that to my readers ?
Is there a common, clear theme in my writing ?
Does it inspire the reader ?
Can the reader benefit from what I share in some way ?

So … this is where I ask YOU the reader to feedback on ANY of those questions

I’ve been fortunate over the years to have met many delightful men
Blessed to have been loved by some wonderful hearts
And privileged to have fallen in love with some beautiful souls
Men who have all loved me far more than I had ever truly loved myself
Men who loved me far more than they were also loving themselves
And for that I am so very grateful ♥

My journey has never been about hating men … and never will be
Because I’m forever grateful for any love I experience and share
My heart has led me down some wonderful paths and I’ve had some extraordinary experiences
Paths that I never regret walking and experiences I never regret having
My path has always been about the journey … learning HOW to love ♥

When I think about my heart aches and broken hearts
Its only during the aftermath of emotion …
can I appreciate the experience in its entirety
Only once the loss has been acknowledged and the grief expressed …
do I realize that it had nothing to do with them and everything to do with my own heart ♥

I’m a woman who chooses to live a more conscious life
A choice that continually challenges and changes me
A way of living that isn’t for everyone
The men I have loved have also tried to become more conscious …
We both did, but unfortunately we were destined to fail
Because they didn’t actively choose to live a conscious life
Each of them feared the necessary uncomfortable changes that accompany the awakening process
Whether it was fear of growth, vulnerability or the change itself…
Fear started to trump our experience of L.O.V.E ♥

Tensions and conflicts have always arisen with my need for MORE …
More honesty, more truth, more openness, more intimacy, more time
My need for more causing feelings of frustration
Neither one of us feeling like we were ENOUGH
Both of us hanging onto fragments of love, unwilling to completely let go
I believe that the men I have loved, still love me ♥
Not because I’m egotistical, but because my heart loved them so fiercely
Perhaps, I challenged the way we both had experienced love in the past?
Maybe, I brought us out of our comfort zones, offering a taste of something that we both craved?

It’s not easy to hold onto a woman like me
Because I’m driven to experience ALL that life has to offer
Ive never doubted the love of any man who has declared his love for me
But to love a woman like me, he must also love the journey
And the journey of love is fraught with hurt, loss and discomfort
Experiences that break our hearts open for an important purpose ♥

Others have criticized and judged who, why and how I have loved
Criticisms that often made me feel like the love I was feeling was wrong
Judgements that caused my heart more anguish than was necessary
But each and every criticism and judgement are also important aspects of the journey towards living a life of L.O.V.E
For, if we choose to listen to the opinions of others, then we ignore the truth in our own hearts ♥

Yesterday, I shared an intense experience with my lover

During our love making in the light of day
Our naked bodies exposed and entwined in full goddess and godly glory
I kept my eyes wide open … and I witnessed the love ♥

During our heart to heart conversations
Our shame and guilt cast aside
I gazed deep into his eyes … and I witnessed the love ♥

Those of us who choose to walk the path less traveled, with intentions to become more consciously awake … will always challenge what IS
Our desire to explore and experiment with love will often confuse those who misunderstand us …

But its through our experiences that we WITNESS the LOVE
Each of us are OPENING and GROWING in love in different ways
So, just because MY truth is different to YOURS … doesn’t mean that my experience of love isn’t TRUE ♥

Suspend judgement … extend LOVE ♥

If Ive already met, connected with, loved and been loved by so many beautiful, wonderful and amazing men
Imagine … the experiences of love I am still yet destined for ♥

I had full intentions of starting off the New Year feeling refreshed and motivated … but here I am feeling like total crap !!!

Coming off a run of night shifts I didn’t feel particularly sociable and so wasn’t really in the “party” mood. I declined several offers of New Years Eve celebrations, deciding that I needed to stay home, reflect, write and set some intentions. I really wanted to indulge in a quiet evening in the arms of a lover, but alas I neither got what I needed nor wanted …

Time with my family is always enjoyed, but I foolishly helped to gobble up the remaining Christmas treats and had a few too many whiskeys before the early firework display. Combined with not enough sleep and finally bringing in the New Year alone … well I’m sure you get the picture

My relationship with booze has been changing and my tolerance is low. So, I went to sleep feeling sad & sorry and woke feeling tired & weary

BUT … I dragged my sorrowful bum out of bed at 4am and took myself down to the beach in search for some INSPIRATION …

I wandered down onto the sand and started walking. Allowing my thoughts to flow in and feel whatever came out, without judgement …

… then I sat and mindfully became present by observing “What I could see”

… and I was INSPIRED !!!

I came home and reflected some more about my process …

The start of last year I was motivated and making some positive changes in my life. I finally felt like I was going to be successful on my weight loss journey. I finally believed that I was transforming myself …

I was following the Harcombe diet principles, gaining more energy, becoming more and more active and shedding the weight …

I was inspiring others to get up and get out …

… and I was feeling FANFOOKINTASTIC !!!

As my habits changed … so did I

“a woman who cuts her hair, is about to change her life”

I got BRAVER

I got STRONGER

I got BOLDER

I got more FEARLESS

I decided that I was WORTHY of the kind of love that I gave

I decided to LOVE myself in the same way I have loved others

And even though it hurt … it was also liberating and empowering

But … then it all started to go down hill

I began to comfort myself more and more with food, which reduced my energy levels and activity …

“Old habits die hard”

The more hurts I acknowledge …

The more fears I confront …

The more truths I expose …

The more conscious I become …

The more cognitive dissonance I experience …

The more changes I need …

The more healing I want …

The more growth I do …

But, its not always pretty … it gets mighty MESSY !!!

Sharing my process of healing has been challenging because it has and is such a personal experience … but I believe there is power in our willingness to be vulnerable

So, as I stand more comfortably in my own truth, the more comfortable I begin to stand in my own skin

The process of weight loss in the past was about disliking what I see

It was about hating my body and not loving myself

TODAY …

I not only gaze upon my own body with less hatred …

I share my naked body with a lover, with less feelings of shame …

I feel brave enough to expose the woman beneath the clothes …

I am beginning to embrace the god damn Goddess that I am !!!

Yes … my body isn’t perfect

Yes … I am perfectly flawed

But the more I LOVE and ACCEPT who I am …

… the more lovingly I speak to myself and the better choices I make

Enjoy the process … that is YOUR journey

I created this blog with intentions of sharing my own process of change because it’s part of my own personal and professional development
“GROWTH”

I made a conscious choice to become more authentic and transparent in my helping role because I want to inspire and support others to stand more comfortably in their own truths, with less fear, shame and guilt
“TRUTH”

I share my own thoughts, feelings and experiences as part of my healing process because I want to support others as they acknowledge their own hurts, confront their own fears, challenge their own realities, change their own habits and transform their own lives
“HEALING”

As I step into the new year I have an overwhelming sense of pride …

Life didn’t go as planned … but I flowed with each and every wave

I’m far from perfect … but I embrace all that makes me human

I don’t have all the answers … but I’m asking the right questions

I’m not where I thought I was going …

but I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be !!!

Come walk with me and let me show you what it is that I see …

I see a new day is dawning

I see a new chapter is beginning

I see a new year full of opportunities and possibilities that await us

I see wide open seas and a vast ocean of flowing tides, with waves that lap up against the shore and invite us to dip our toes

I see the sun casting an amazing show of light and shadow, as she reflects her brightness down upon us

I see contemplators quietly seated on the sands, reflecting over what was

I see hopeful hearts meandering closely to the waters edge, wondering if what they wish for … could be ?

I see lovers embraced warm and tenderly in each others arms, lingering in the moments, as they stand drenched in feelings of love

I see runners in music worlds, moving to the beat of their determination

I see bodies laying in sands, nursing headaches and hangovers

I see gatherings of people sharing in conversation, greeting passers by with a smile and a nod, while gazing upon the horizon

I see birds gracefully swooping and insects busily buzzing around

I see the ever changing cloud formations, that consistently create a variety of different shapes and patterns

I see an orb of light energized by the light of the sun, that keeps playfully appearing within my view

I see a beautiful and wonderful world before me, full of endless other world magic and limitless opportunity and possibility

I see another wonderful journey beginning to unfold …

As one year comes to an end, another year of possibilities await us

I farewell 2015 with mixed emotions, as I reflect over my experiences

This time last year I was conflicted between what was happening in my life and what I wanted to happen. It was New Years eve 2014 and I hadn’t long returned back to Australia from the UK, after spending time with the man I was still in love with, to determine if we were going to gain closure or begin a life together in the UK. The man who claimed to love me too, yet he kept giving me reasons why he couldn’t yet tell his wife that his marriage was over because he was in love with another woman, excuses that continued until April. As the months passed by it became painfully clear that he either doubted our love or was still in love with his wife. So, I decided that I was no longer willing to feel like an option in his life and I certainly didn’t want to continue being the “other woman” …

My heart shattered into pieces when he let me walk away AGAIN, knowing very well how deeply I loved him

Another heartbreak to recover from
Another broken dream
Another hard lesson learned

But I have no regrets because I will always choose to follow my heart and believe in LOVE ♡ regardless of what others may think is best for me …

WHY ?

Because I believe that my heart always guides me towards experiences that serve an important purpose in my growth. The more I trust the process of change, the more I understand that sometimes the things I want, aren’t always what I need, however difficult it is to accept …

Does that make it easier to let go ? … NO

2015 has been another challenging year. I allowed love back into my life, even though I was still recovering from a broken heart. So, another heartbreak literally broke me wide open, but this time I made a different choice. Instead of focusing on mending the broken pieces of my heart, I decided to spend time exploring my truths and looked deeper inside of myself, which brought me towards a completely different experience …

Instead of recovering I was healing ♡

Healer’s outstretched open hand surrounded by random wise healing words on a rustic stone effect background

Reflecting over the year coming to an end, I can’t help but smile, because I understand that sometimes we must experience a loss to gain something much more valuable in its place …

My journal entries highlighted my goals for 2015 …

• To loose weight and get fit (an ongoing battle)
• To move over to the UK and start a new life with the man I love
• To become a Wellness Coach by 2016
• To be a Counselor in Aged Care
• To be a Writer
• To increase my income

What DID I successfully achieve ???

• I got fatter
• I walked away from the man I love
• I focused on my own well being
• I became more frustrated with Aged Care
• I started writing
• I worked less and so earned less

Hmmmmm … things rarely go as planned (wink) hahahaha

“Where our focus goes our energy will flow”

My time and energy was spent on comforting myself through emotional times and regaining a new sense of direction. Writing has become a very important part of my healing process, which has led me towards living a more creative and conscious life and is guiding me in another direction, towards my wildest fantasies and greatest dreams ~~~☆☆☆

I’ve experienced some profound spiritual movements and energetic shifts that have shaken up my world. The more truths I expose, the more hurts I acknowledge and the more fears I confront …

the more OPEN I become to RECEIVE …

“What’s NEW about what I do” ?
What INGREDIENT tastes like me” ?
What’s my FLAVOUR” ?

I think it’s …. the JOURNEY 

My professional and personal development has been an important process of pragmatic thinking and inquiry based learning, which has led me towards experiences that hopefully provide me with a more holistic perspective …

CARING – compassion of HEART
NURSING – physiology of BODY
PSYCHOLOGY – philosophy of MIND
COUNSELLING – communication of EMOTION
MOON / NATURE – flow of ENERGY
and my recent interest …

METAPHYSICAL – experience of CONNECTION

What does this mean for my future 2016 goals ?

… that the JOURNEY continues !!!