As the year comes to an end and I reflect over …

what WAS, what IS and what WILL BE …

I find myself sitting in a familiar place of PAST, PRESENT and FUTURE … but after a past life reading a few days ago, I also find myself in a strange and unfamiliar place of seeking connection to unknown parts of myself

I consider myself fortunate to be surrounded by many women of wisdom, some of which are psychics and mystics, many who are moving away blockages and reopening channels to spirit energies …

So, I excitedly asked a dear and wonderful friend of mine “What can you see for me” ? … which led us towards an unexpected jump to the past and some exciting insights into the future …

She confirmed many of my own knowings about having lived many lives in the UK, where I still have a strong heart connection to the land. It was 17th century self that came through: a woman with long curly auburn hair, green eyes, slimmer than I am now with a well proportioned body (a similar image I’ve had of myself living in another life)

I was from a middle class family, happily married, very much in love, had 2 children (one died), a justice fighter and school teacher, with a strong desire to see the world through different eyes and have different experiences … which is why my eyes changed to the colour blue

I didn’t full fill my life purpose in that life time, hence why she came through … maybe “she” has unfinished business ?

I was told that she walks with me during this lifetime …

Now, there’s a concept that spins me out, if I hold onto the belief that our soul can only be in one place, at one time …

but WHAT IF we can and do exist in other dimensions and therefore be living different realities at the same time ?

Some serious mind blowing WTF possibilities !!!

Keeping my mind open … I listened attentively as she described the images coming to her. My 17th century self, walking through a market square alone, smiling to passers by and feeling happy and content … then my future self walking on a white sandy beach on an island somewhere, feeling the same way … a pivotal moment in time …

As if both parts of myself are walking on an exact parallel

What it means or what message it gives, I guess time will tell ?

Which brings me to some of the future images that came to her …

Traveling to somewhere with snowy mountains soon

A book, spirit suggested I read “Scarlet Fever”

Pretty much going in the same direction and dabbling in similar things for a few more years yet to come

Writing my book about “Love”, which is part of my healing process … I will confront some knock backs and rejections but I wont GIVE UP … and it will eventually be recognized (most likely internationally) … she had an image of a book launch in front of the Sydney opera house. A tall grey haired gent standing proudly beside me

  I will meet the “one” once my book has been written and published at a formal function … I’m wearing a black gown and hes wearing a black suit. Hes tall, dark and handsome and I will know as soon as our eyes meet …

She’s not the first person to tell me that …

Another psychic told me that my “soul mate” won’t come into my life until I am in my late 40s, that my path will lead me towards other men before then because of my need for experience

  Not too long ago, Frenchy had an image of a tall, dark and handsome man coming into my life … and although I can’t picture his face, I do sense this man coming into my life in the future …

But first, I have important work to do myself …

Our conversation opens up some VERY interesting possibilities …

but as I regress over past experiences and work towards the future …

Life … its all about the journey !!!

Me too …

The how, why and when our friendship ended caused me alot of heart hurt. Suffering exaggerated and prolonged by her continued connection with my family & friends …

But just as some relationships come to an end … so do some friendships …

Seasons ♡ Reasons ♡ Life times ♡

I learned many valuable lessons from the unfortunate experience …

I learned how to stand in MY truth, regardless of what other people thought or felt about me.

I learned how to drop the masks and live with more integrity, no matter how uncomfortable it felt.

I learned how to be more authentic in my interactions, regardless of how much it upset the status quo.

But most importantly I learned how to face up to my own BULL SHIT !!!

I may have lost her friendship but I gained so much more in my life because I now see and experience life very differently …

I believe that sometimes we outgrow people, and that’s not only OK, its often necessary.

I think the role people play in our lives needs to change as we do.

I understand that the universe connects and disconnects us on purpose.

I accept that some changes are often not wanted but are always needed.

I believe conflict and tensions occur when we refuse to let go and move on.

I trust the process of change and growth … even though at times I may not always like or want it ♡

“Somewhere over the rainbow”

Once upon a time there was a young girl named Illumine …

She lived in the woodlands with her parents and was known by the villagers as being a wild and wonderful free spirit, who danced with the fairy folk. One blue eye, one green, white porcelain skin, blush pink cheeks and blood red lips. She had long flowing rainbow hair, that she rarely brushed and she never wore shoes because she loved how the earth felt beneath her feet, and how the grass tickled between her toes.

She had a very special gift … that she wasn’t yet aware of

Illumines heart was warm and she loved easily, which attracted both people and animals a like. Her mind was filled with many curiosities and wonderings as she continually questioned the world in which she lived in. She couldn’t understand the anger and the sadness of the world, which is why she preferred to spend time in the forest with the fairy folk. Her soul seemed old and of another time because she had a sense of knowing that guided her through life.

She had a very special gift … that she wasn’t yet aware of

Illumines favourite place to be was outdoors in nature, where the trees grew tall and the waters ran free. She paddled and swam in the streams with the fishes under the night sky, watching the twinkling stars … and she fell in love with the moon. She danced in the wide open meadows as the rains fell from the sky, watching the sun shine through the clouds … and she fell in love with the rainbows. She stood on the mountain tops feeling the wind blowing her wild hair, watching the birds take flight … and she fell in love with their wings. She screamed with each roar of thunder, watching how the lightning bolts lit up the skies … and she fell in love with the heavens.

She had a very special gift … that she wasn’t yet aware of

Something changed when she turned 13 years old, she became aware of the darkness, which seemed to follow her. Colour began to drain from her hair, she lost the sparkle in her eyes and her mood became gloomy. Shadows lurked in the corners of her mind, causing her to lose all sense of reality. Her body soon became infected with the darkness and life began to slowly drain from her. Illumine spoke about how her heart ached with an overwhelming sense of sadness, as if she carried the grief of the world in her heart. She said the fairies had told her that it was her time to show the world why she was here and that she need not be afraid.

She had a very special gift … that she wasn’t yet aware of

Family, friends and fairies surrounded her, each shining a light onto the darkness that was taking her away from this world. Love filled the room as lights shone brighter and brighter around her. She smiled and took her last breath … then something magical happened. Her spirit levitated from the bed and she BECAME the light. The entire room was filled with a warm glow that drifted down onto each and every person, making everyone’s light shine even brighter.

She had a very special gift … that she gave to us

Illumines message was that of LOVE and LIGHT. She showed us that we are more than the body in which we inhabit, that our energy continues to live on in each and every one of us. She showed us that the darkness was the sadness and anger of the world and that it can be healed by our love and light. She reminded us that her energy forever lives on in the stars that sparkle, the moon that glows, the fish that swim, the rains that fall, the rainbows that shine, the wind that blows, the birds that fly, the thunder that roars and the lightening that flashes.

Share YOUR love and light with the world

WHAT is creativity ?

and HOW can I become more inspired to be creative ?

By definition creativity is …

“The ability to transform traditional ideas & create meaningful new ideas”

To live a creative life … I need to feel inspired

To feel inspired … I need to have new experiences

To have new experiences … I need to be willing to do something different

To do something different … I need to change how I think

To change how I think … I need to challenge myself

To challenge myself … I need to get out of the comfort zone

To get out of the comfort zone … I need to take risks

 

1 ) Listen to your heart because that is your truth

2) Trust your instincts because it guides you

3) Focus on your strengths because it makes it easier to be creative

4) Open up your mind and explore new ideas because it will inspire you

5) Follow your passion because it energizes your creativity

6) Challenge yourself because it opens up new perspectives

7) Surround yourself with inspirational greatness because it inspires you

8) Experiment because trying new things stimulates your creative mind

9) Play and have fun because it liberates your self expression

10) Don’t compare yourself with others because it is YOUR journey

” The Watchful Souls “

The building is dark and the mood is somber …

As I walk quickly down the hallway I have a strong sense of suffocation, so I seek out the exit. There are windows all the way down the hallway. The windows frame each room, as if advertising the contents and enticing me to enter. Turning to my left, I notice a large framed window and I see a dark room filled with soft, cuddly toys. In the middle of them I see the outline of a young male. He’s sitting in the dark among the pile, motionless and gazing directly ahead without any expression. The vision unnerves me a little, yet I’m unsure why I’m compelled to enter the room where he sits.

Reaching down to the handle, I open the door and walk inside. I see the young man hasn’t moved. As I quickly sweep my glance over the room, I also see a young girl standing in the corner. Neither of them speak out loud but I can hear voices. I’m confused and a little frightened.

I wonder …

WHERE are the voices coming from ?

WHAT are they saying ?

HOW am I able to hear them ?

WHY is possible ?

HOW is it happening ?

My questions drown out the voices until I hear a loud shout … STOP !!!

Startled, I look up and notice the young man is watching the young girl who is now walking towards me. As she approaches there is an uncomfortable silence. I want to run but my legs won’t move, I want to speak but my mouth won’t open …

Transfixed, I’m hypnotized by her presence.

At a guess she is around 12 years old. Her hair cut short to the scalp as if she has cut it herself. Wearing a dirty grey set of pajamas that were at one time white with pink fluffy bunnies on them. Bare feet and black toe nails. Although her body is malnourished and she appears weak, she glides easily towards me as if standing on a moving floor. As she gets closer I see her facial features becoming clearer. Dark brown glassy eyes that have sunken deep into her skull. Skin that is colourless and without life. Lips dry and cracked … then she smiles at me and reaches out her hand.

I take her hand and like a jolt of lightening her story unfolds ….

She and her older brother have been stuck in this inbetween world for several decades, unable to live but not yet dead. A tortured past keeping them both trapped together in a place of darkness. Watchful souls, who can only look through the window and watch as others pass them by. Watching as people gaze inside and look at the scene, but with no real interest to understand what it is that they see.

This was a room where she had felt safe as a child. A place where she would hide whenever she was afraid. Glancing over to the young man, I notice that he still hasn’t moved but that he’s now looking at me with a look of desperation … I’m confused ?

She tells me that he did things to her, things that no one should ever do. I feel uncomfortable and unsure as to why I am here. My thoughts don’t need to be said out loud because she can hear them, her brother too, but why can’t I hear his voice ?

She tells me that she needs me to help her …

I want to, but WHAT can I do ?

A sudden sharp pain in my head causes some disturbance between our conversation and I hear a softly spoken male voice. I see the young man struggling as he tries to move out from the pile of toys. His sister cries out “PLEASE don’t let him get me”, as she tightly squeezes my hands. She is afraid, but WHY ? … I don’t understand what is happening and I feel a strong sense of conflict, as I also hear the young man saying over and over again … “I forgive you” … “I forgive you.”

The more I tune into what he is saying, the quieter she becomes. The more I hear what he is saying, the more he is able to move. The more he moves the tighter she squeezes my hand. Energy in the room is shifting and we are all feeling uneasy.

I see the young man moving towards us. At a guess he is around 17 years old. He is tall and very thin. Messy black hair and wearing a torn black jumper. He has no limbs ? Yet he moves towards us with no arms or legs. How is this possible ? … as he gets closer I see his face becoming clearer. Bright blue eyes that pierce through to my soul. Blood stained skin and soft red lips that smile at me.

He softly kisses my cheek and like a jolt of lightening his story unfolds ….

A scared little girl is sitting in among her soft toys, crying. He approaches to comfort his little sister by leaning down to hug her, because he knows that she is carrying a heavy burden in her heart. He knows that she is in pain. He knows that someone has hurt her. But she hits him on the head with a hammer that she was holding. Blood runs down his face as life leaves him. His sister cuts off his arms and legs, wraps rope around his body and drags him outside, over the hill, down the embankment and towards the woodland.

I’m horrified by the images that are flashing before me !!!

I don’t understand ???

The young girl has fallen to her knees and is sobbing. She tells us that she had mistaken her brother for the man who had raped her over and over again. She told us that fear took her to a place she couldn’t escape. She begged for her brother’s forgiveness because she loved him so very much. Her brother kneeled down beside her, with arms that could now embrace her. As they hugged each other tightly a light filled the room and the watchful souls were set free …

…. then I woke !!!!

“Expressing LOVE and suspending judgment … takes mindful consideration in our interactions”

Our changing truths are sometimes difficult for us to understand, more challenging for us to express and takes immense courage to share  …
Take heed … when our changing truths fall upon judgmental ears, it can damage fragile new growth pushing up beneath the surface …

Judgments poke at old wounds that are still healing,
Assumptions cause self-doubt that bring us back not forward,
Sharpness of tongue kills without drawing blood,
Critical perceptions that lack depth of understanding deliver harsh truths,
Punishment serves to feed guilt, shame and fear,
Discrimination separates you from me and us from them.

“Expressing LOVE and suspending judgment … takes mindful consideration in our interactions”

Seek to understand and support those who reveal their truth.
Nurture and nourish new growth with tenderness and warmth,
Be gentle and let the truth fall upon compassionate ears and kind heart,
An open sinner or false saint is only a matter of perception,
With the focus of our attention bringing us closer towards our own truth,
Allowing conflicting truths to be an opportunity for mutual understanding
Sets our vibrational frequency to LOVE

“Expressing LOVE and suspending judgment … takes mindful consideration in our interactions”

It arks me how easily medications are prescribed and how easily we often take them without actually thinking it through for ourselves …

Yesterday I decided NOT to take the stemetil or the panadols and instead focused my attention on the possible cause instead of the symptoms … I may have been right, I may have been wrong, but it was right for ME ♡

Whether it was a viral infection or an energetic shift, who really knows for certain ? But instead of accepting the doctors truth I listened to my own by tapping into my instincts and curiosities

Taking the medication and sleeping it off was something old Tracey would do, but I think differently now. Instead, I paid attention to how my body was feeling and what thoughts I was thinking, which in itself changed things. Because being more aware of myself as a passive witness, rather than an active participatant helped me to flow rather than control the experience …

PLEASE NOTE that I don’t suggest nor recommend that everyone stops taking medication because sometimes its needed alongside other treatments. My advice is listen to your body and seek professional advice. I am a nurse and so I’m well aware of medical risks, which is why I always get checked by a doctor first … but thinking holistically often takes me away from the medical model

So, what did I do ? … I meditated and asked my angel guides to work with me and the crystals, drank plenty of water, nourished my body with vitamins and minerals, kept my brain activity to a minimum, did more things that made it easier to be present, like soaking in the bath tub and writing down my thoughts

It wasn’t all that comfortable because I had a head full of pressure, which panadols would have eased. A nauseated tummy, dizziness when I moved too quicky, racing thoughts and anxiety … all of which would have gone away by taking that little magic stemetil pill …

Hmmmm … do you see how tempting and easy it is to not flow with our experience and instead control it ? … who has the time and energy to heal ? … when we have responsibilities and commitments. My method was a slow process of discomfort. I took time off work to prioritize my own needs, knowing I have no sick leave … but for me, my health and wellbeing is more important ♡

Today, I still don’t feel 100% but after 24 hours of no medication I’m a healthier 90% 🙂 The nausea has gone, the pressure in my head has relieved, no more vision disturbances. But I still have a heavy headache so I’ll continue doing today what I did yesterday and I’m feeling well enough to do some exercise that will help shift some energy around

The biggest shift of all has been in my mental clarity and emotional balance during an intense new moon phase. In matters of the heart and career plans this helps me to stand in my truth 🙂

Trust the process of healing ♡

If my truth is different to your truth and their truth is different to our truth … then WTF is the truth ?

Poses an interesting question … dont ya think ?

I BELIEVE that to be true …

Something I appreciate most about my university education is how the experience taught me how to truly think for myself. It gave me the opportunity to learn the importance and benefits of questioning, reflecting and challenging everything … including MYSELF !!!

IF this is true … then TRUTH as we know it is forever changing as our experiences continue to shape us, which then changes the meaning as well as the purpose of truth. This has been a HUGE change of thinking in my life, which has caused a MASSIVE shift in my entire being

This is a GREAT image to reflect what I’m trying to say, which is …

If my truth is different to your truth then we are going to waste precious time and energy arguing about who is right or wrong. Because that is NOT the problem. The problem is how we are perceiving our reality, and how we understand the experience depends upon how much we understand ourselves … which brings it back to YOU !!!

Let me share a recent dilemma that caused me some discomforts …

My lover told me that he had lied to me. He admitted to have fallen deeply in love with me and could no longer hide nor deny his truth, which was that he lived with his “girlfriend” … OUCH !!!

YOU BETCHA !!! … it certainly got a reaction from me, but not quite the reaction I had expected. Instead of ranting and raving, instead of pointing blame and playing woe is me, instead of disconnecting and running away, I pulled back and told him that I needed time and space to digest what he had just shared with me because I acknowledged that it changed EVERYTHING between us … and it DID

I responded instead of reacting, which suggests some emotional maturity and FINALLY some growth I can work with

When we seek TRUTH then we cannot forget his/her partner … LIE

Both exist on opposite sides of the spectrum. Just as light cannot be present without dark and love cannot be lived without the experience of loss … Therefore, can the truth exist without the presence of a lie ?

Hmmmmm (she ponders)

Do you ever find yourself with holding in your relationship ?

Have you ever compromised your own needs to keep the peace ?

Are you afraid to rock the boat of comfort ?

Do you prefer to sail your ship on smooth seas ?

 Sometimes … the lie is unintentional because the truth is hidden from our sense of awareness. Those times when we avoid or deny our own truths because we are not yet ready to acknowledge or accept it

The truth bubbling away beneath the surface of our consciousness

When my lover shared his truth with me, I wasn’t expecting to forgive him so easily and I certainly wasn’t expecting it to bring my own hidden truth to the surface … that was a little unsettling

HONESTY … the fundamental truth that is the foundation for trust

As my lover shared the details of his truth, I found myself conflicted with my own truth … DAMN IT !!!

Although my truth may be different to your truth and their truth may be different to our truth … how we perceive it, will ultimately determine how we EXPERIENCE it … and if the experience we seek is related to the lesson we need

WHAT are we learning and HOW does it support our growth ?

Maybe I’m talking in nonsensical riddles ?

But how YOU perceive my words will depend upon YOUR own truth

I feel most alive in those moments of sexual pleasure when my mind, body and spirit are opening up. The pleasure zone brings an overwhelming sense of connection, relief and release. It’s when we LET GO and it’s where we can BE completely present in the moment … but it requires TRUST

As the waves of climax flow through our bodies we become more and more aware of our energy. Where ever the energy flows, stops or circulates tells us where we are holding back and blocking ourselves … but it requires HONESTY

Sometimes my orgasm pulsates through every part of my body and my energy flows freely. Sometimes my orgasm intensifies in one or several specific parts of my body. Sometimes I feel pain, discomforts or heaviness. Sometimes waves of climax flow but orgasm doesnt happen

 But only when I am alone, naked, vulnerable and exposed

Ripped open of all my defenses

Safe …

can I release whatever energy surfaces

Sometimes after I have climaxed, thoughts drift into my mind about past loves, hurts and longings. Allowing them to drift without attaching to them is becoming easier, which enables me to be completely present with what is

Accepting that moments of pleasure can also bring us closer towards our pain allows us to flow more freely with what is, which is a beautiful combination of light and shadow

Do you avoid sex and intimacy ?

How do you express your sexual and sensual energy ?

Can you identify the difference between sex and love ?

Do you seek out sex to satisfy your need for love ?

Important questions I often ask myself as a sexual active woman and my answers vary depending upon my wants, needs and my level of conscious awareness

Therefore my truth is FOREVER CHANGING …

Have you ever cried during sex ?

Have you ever cried after an intense orgasm ?

Tears are the words our hearts are not yet able to speak

Ive only ever cried  during orgasm with one partner in my life, my ex-husband, during a time when our connection was breaking. Since then, although I have experienced those overwhelming feelings of disconnection during intimacy, I’ve never felt safe enough to completely let go in the same way with any other sexual partner

But I sometimes cry after an orgasm when I’m alone, especially during those heart aches and hurts when I feel most disconnected. A disconnection I now understand as being from myself

Having a healthy sexual appetite, loving heart and passionate spirit means that sexual energy has a huge influence in my life. But it can also impact negatively on my experiences when I either try to deny that part of myself or when I confuse sex with love

 In the past my choice of intimate partners hasn’t always served me well, but they always bring me closer to my truth and for that I am GRATEFUL

My sexual energy holds a lot of power for change. So the more I heal, love and trust in myself … the more I embrace my own divine feminine energy and the more authenticity I seek

I am a work in progress

I’m not just interested in REST and RECOVERY …

I want to HEAL …

 

Recovery from a tuber ligation hasn’t been the usual straight forward process for me, which isn’t a surprise, considering I made a conscious choice to work on myself energetically. I wanted to identify any blocks that are preventing me from letting go, releasing, moving onwards, forwards, inwards and upwards

… so the universe DELIVERED

I knew WHY I was experiencing increased pain and discomfort, but if I didn’t want to avoid, numb, escape or fight it … then, I needed to explore WHAT it meant and HOW I could heal from it ?

The surgery is only keyhole but it involves sticking 3 large metal prods into your abdomen, filling it up with a gas and fiddling around with your parts, which of course has an energetic influence on our body, mind and spirit. Then to add some intensity to the pot, because we all know how much I like to experience those extreme high and lows to strengthen my understanding. I asked the Doc if I could stop taking the pill post op and she said “YES”, so I did, but on day 2 of my recovery an early period presented itself in full force. I’ve never experienced a cycle so intense, it certainly wasn’t a normal period for me, it felt like I was in labor, which told me that my uterus wasn’t very happy with me …

or was she trying to tell me something ?

When the shit started to get real I reacted from old ways of doing, as we all do during those times when we feel most fearful about our health and wellbeing. I admit the intense pains, pulsating uterus, excessive bleeding and clotting had me a little worried. But reassurance was given that there were no signs of infection or complication, it was “just” a period

Seriously ? It actually felt like there was a war happening inside of my uterus and there was an ongoing massacre in my panties. Although it was a little reassuring knowing that it wasnt anything more sinister, I certainly wasnt content with the comment “its just a period”

That comment delivered from Doctors, Nurses, Friends and Family kinda pissed me off actually !!!

I was told to keep going with the regular Panadol and prescribed some medication called “Ponstan” to relieve my period pains and was told to take it 3 times per day for 3 days, with an active ingredient of Mefenamic acid, the name alone had alarm bells sounding “TOXIC”, but pre conditioned Tracey took a dose anyways because Doc knows best … hmmmm … I soon gave myself a shake and thought to myself … “WTF are you doing” ? … here I am preaching about how our bodies communicate to us and I’m taking chemicals to shut her up

WAKEY WAKEY !!! … Miss Hypocrite at your service … Geeeez !!!

So, I threw the drugs away and decided to dive deeper than what I was experiencing physically and tap into the underlying emotions and energy that was manifesting the pain and discomfort. First, I dragged out some clay to help me express my inner experience because I love playing with it. But I did something a little left of center, something that even I felt a little squeamish about, until I actually did it and then I really got into it and ENJOYED it !!!

I collected some of my menstrual blood and poured it into a cup of water and used it to work with the clay. It was a little smelly but OMG the energy that poured out of me and into the clay was amazing, I expressed some very intense emotion and created some beautiful pieces of art, which was my ultimate goal

 

As I thought about my abortion I found myself wanting to sculpt a vagina and place a baby fetus inside of her. It was a very emotional and intense experience, which was a beautiful way to release and LET GO of something I’ve held onto energetically for far TOO many years. 24 years I’ve carried it inside of me, so the RELEASE was way overdue !!!

The other piece came as my energy shifted, she is my symbol of Lilith, our inner wild woman and she is my emerging Goddess. I’m currently working my way through an intense 7 month energy healing that focuses on how our chakras connect with different parts of our feminine psyche, because I want to learn MORE about how I experience myself. So, she represents the journey of my awakening …and I LOVE HER !!!

The next day after my clay activity I lay on my bed and consciously invited the soul of the baby I aborted to join me in meditation (it was suggested by a beautiful friend of mine who understood the hurt I still carried around this choice). I used to believe that I wasn’t very good at the whole meditation thing because it’s not something I do often, but the few times I have my experiences have been enlightening, which made me think to myself  “WTF aren’t you doing this more often” ???

 

Although I felt a presence I couldn’t visualize or see an image, which was a little frustrating because I really wanted to see how he or she looked. During our conversation some realizations surfaced that shifted some energy. One being that my decision to have a tuber ligation was about removing my CHOICE !!! … I no longer wanted to carry the fear with me of becoming pregnant and being in a position of having to choose how an unwanted pregnancy would impact on my life … WOW !!! … now there was my TRUTH smacking me in my face and it kinda stung a little and I cried

Then my circle changed, the presence of that soul left and I was standing alone with my 17 year old self and I stood there feeling a little awkward to be honest. During a conversation the previous day, my friend asked me “what would you tell your 17 year old self laying on the operating table about to have an abortion? ”

Emotions overcame me even being asked that question, let alone actually asking one to myself, because I didn’t know ??? … So standing there silently beside her I just allowed my mind to wander where it wanted, which took me to observing my 18 year old daughter, which then took me to thoughts of “well what the fuck do I know because no matter what I say or do its wrong anyways”. I didn’t attach to those thoughts but just let them flow

WOW, now there’s a first for me (insert wink)

 

My thoughts flowed to mundane things like “my backs itchy” and “I wish that outside noise would stop so I can concentrate” … but then an answer came. I would tell her that she was not alone and that I would be completely present with her in whatever moment she was in, with no need to fix it, just BE there with her. My answer made me cry AGAIN !!! … because even though I had my family support system, I remember feeling completely alone and isolated in my experience back then and even now sometimes during my ever changing experiences

Then my Mam entered the circle, the woman who has been my biggest support throughout my life. A woman I admire, love and respect. We stood holding hands and I cried AGAIN (oh yes ALOT of tears were shed). I told her how very sorry I was for causing her so much pain and suffering. Then her Mam entered and I giggled and cried because it was like a beautiful reunion of spirit. I had a strong sense of other generations of women being present. So I invited them all into the circle, there was a strange sense of knowing between us, about how times have changed and are changing and how we are all working together for the higher good, then my daughter stepped in beside me and took my hand … and YES I cried AGAIN because beside her was her child

WOWZWES !!! … talk about an intense family get together (insert giggle)

So … then I had to come back to reality with a bump having to get busy with the normal routines of life. My sisters and parents visited, I had a Doctor’s appointment, dropped off my sick note to work and my daughter returned home from her Dads. And I tell you what, I was well aware that EVERY interaction since my meditation had a different energy than usual. I felt and thought differently about certain things that were said or done …

Like the look of disgust on my sister’s face when I proudly showed her my clay sculpture. The comment that “you are weird” from my Mam. The eye roll and I don’t give a fuck attitude from my daughter. The advice to keep taking the toxic drug from my Doctor even though I had said I wasn’t comfortable taking it. I actually tried to tell her that I was also working on other levels of my discomfort, which was effectively reducing symptoms but she completely ignored it. I found myself not engaging or attaching emotionally, instead I accepted it and moved on doing my own weird and wonderful thing

That evening there was a very intense FULL MOON, the skies were stormy and I sat beneath it on the beach feeling VERY excited about how the universe was opening up for us. But after a few clashes of pink lightning, that were a little TOO close for comfort, I scurried back to my car like a timid little mousey (insert giggle). When I got home I decided to DIG DEEPER and explored my experience of constipation, lower back pain, menstrual cramps and bleeding and this is what I found …

The primary function of the BOWEL is to eliminate the crap we no longer need, so in metaphysical terms CONSTIPATION is experienced on an emotional level as the resistance to LET GO of anything that no longer serves us (ideas, feelings, thoughts, beliefs, material things, people or situations). Reflecting a mental block with our inability to RELEASE or EXPRESS

Our body is literally telling us that if we don’t LET GO of whatever crap we are holding onto then it will eventually poison us !!!

When we respond primarily on a physical level we are only dealing with the symptoms, not the cause. Upping the fiber and fluid intake, regular exercise and routine, taking stool softeners and aperients may help the crap come out easier, but without those interventions the body will continue to experience constipation as a chronic condition, until we address what needs to be expressed and released. I’ve often jokingly said to myself that I was dumping the shit whenever I’ve had the runs

Since my clay healing I’ve been shitting A LOT (insert giggle)

The primary function of our spine is to provide support for our physical bodies, so in metaphysical terms LOWER BACK PAIN is experienced on an emotional level as not feeling SUPPORTED or it can also be related to a fear of losing our freedom if we continue to help and support others

So when we respond primarily on a physical level we are again only dealing with the symptoms, not the cause. Taking pain relief medications, using heat packs, rubbing on ointments, resting and avoiding activities may reduce the discomfort, but without those interventions the body will continue to experience chronic back ache, until we address our thoughts, feelings and experience around support

Since my clay healing I stopped ALL pain relief and although there’s still some tenderness and back ache, Im consciously exploring my experience of support

The primary function of our uterus is reproduction so in metaphysical terms MENSTRUAL CRAMPS or DISORDERS is experienced on an emotional level as difficulty accepting our femaleness, which is our body’s way of telling us that our belief system concerning women is inaccurate in some way. So when we respond primarily on a physical level, once again we are only dealing with the symptoms, not the cause. Again, interventions will ease monthly discomforts but until we explore our thoughts, feelings and experiences as a woman then we will continue to experience intense PMS … this stuff is fucking brilliant but logical !!!

I now have minimal bleeding, a little back ache discomfort but still very tender around the belly button incision, which makes sense because the tummy is where we hold onto our emotions and I’m still in the process of HEALING as I set my status to rest and recover. New realizations and understandings are popping up into my consciousness as my awareness of self continues to expand

Another TWINGE I had this morning was how I’ve allowed men who held no love for me to penetrate my sacred being. In layman terms I’ve shagged men I didn’t love and who didn’t love me. Justifying my actions as me being a sexually liberated woman, when the TRUTH was I was disrespecting my self because I wasnt loving myself. Each lustful but loveless encounter has filled my body with negative energies, not to mention HEART HURTS

Now that shifted some interesting energy …

NO more tears … but I was a little cranky with myself

How times have changed (insert smile)

NO MORE cigarettes, booze, sex or food to comfort and avoid myself. NO MORE running to others for answers because I don’t trust myself

Instead I indulge in a variety of different creative art therapy techniques, I listen and believe in myself more and more, I attract the support I need, I attract the love I believe I deserve and if I don’t, you betcha sexy socks that I will walk away. I actively work with the energy of the universe, I keep my heart and mind open even when its challenging to do so, I invite my hurts and fears into my conscious experience and I continue to share even when I’m mocked

… because I TRUST the process of CHANGE

I keep getting asked WHY do I SHARE my personal experiences with so much detail ?

 

First and foremost, I have no shame about WHO I am …

Secondly, I LOVE to learn and I like to share what I learn …

Thirdly, I believe its how I can inspire, encourage and support others to HEAL

But lets face it … Some wont even bother reading my blogs. Some will read them and take away what they need from it. Some want to read them because we walk a similar journey. Some will stumble across them as part of the perfect divine plan and some will only read them to mock or criticize because it challenges their reality

HOWEVER my sharings reach you, its none of my business how you perceive or receive it. My intention is to CONNECT and HEAL with LOVE